Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
VPAs are late this week because I spent the last three days in intense preparation for Rally (Rally!).
Asking, asking, asking. Many wants, in small forms.
Thing 1: Potter wants a hat.
Here’s what I want:
Potter is my mouse (not a real mouse). He is adorable. And maybe four inches tall?
He doesn’t talk very much but when he finally told me his name, he said that he wanted a hat.
It can be a newsies sort of hat or a cap with a feather in it. He feels strongly about this.
Ways this could work:
I have not even the slightest idea.
I’ll play with…
Sitting with him and listening. Then listening some more.
I like it when he talks to me.
Thing 2: ease-filled sovereign announcing.
Here’s what I want:
I need to announce a thing and I need it to happen in a clear, loving sovereign way.
This is a no that is a loving gift.
Ways this could work:
I will have another spectacular shivanautical epiphany and the words will be there.
I’ll play with…
Presence. Perseverance. Pleasure. Possibility. Provision.
Other things that start with P.
Thing 3: oh dear lord a break from this over HSP nightmare.
Here’s what I want:
I have Highly Sensitive Person tendencies all the time, yes, but when premenstrual, certain types of noise drive me absolutely batty.
Right now the handyman is loudly fixing stuff on the Playground roof, the people next door are hammering, there are leaf blowers, and I am this close to having to go up to the roof and hurl people off of it.
I want relief from this immediately.
Ways this could work:
The peacefulness meditation.
Asking the First Mate to call the handyman.
Things could just shift. I could find something useful about this superpower of hypersensitivity. I could find my way back to being a magical unicorn pony again.
I’ll play with…
No advice, please.
But I will use my headphones and next year I will not schedule any teaching to happen while I am anywhere near this state, and also I will abscond to the quietest chrysalis ever.
Thing 4: many small plumlets.
Here’s what I want:
The PLUM is the Playground User Manual.
I need a mini quickstart version of this.
One for Rally, one for Stompopolis, one for communication stuff. One for what I mean when I say that we are on a retreat from care-taking and advice-giving here.
Ways this could work:
Maybe my Rally project will be related to this.
I’ll play with…
Wanting what I want.
Using the shared pool of knowledge concept from the Crucial Conversations book.
Thing 5: [Boston/Astoria]
Here’s what I want:
This is kind of a proxy and kind of not at all a proxy.
I will silent retreat on the details.
It has to do with moths and brackets, but these are also substitutions for substitutions.
It has to do with lusciousness, courage and possibility.
Ways this could work:
One day this week I will wake up and I will know the who, what, when, where, how and why.
Well, maybe not the why. But I’ll settle for the first five.
I’ll play with…
Desire. Deconstruction. Glow-sitting (morning meditation).
Thing 6: passage for Incoming Me.
Here’s what I want:
Incoming Me and I have an understanding.
But we need some quality time together to hash some things out.
I want a certain thing to happen. She knows about doing things that she enjoys and in ways that she enjoys them. I think we need to connect more.
Also she thinks this will help me have an understanding about the HAT. Not Potter’s hat, but a Havi Announces a Thing HAT.
Ways this could work:
Not sure yet.
I’ll play with…
Hope.
Thing 7: working through sadness.
Here’s what I want:
I am feeling sad about two things that didn’t happen this week that I really wanted to happen.
I would like to do something with this well of sadness.
Ways this could work:
The usual destuckification stuff. Processing the process. Skipping some stones. Inventing rituals. Giving myself room to have the sad.
I bet the Floop will help too.
I’ll play with…
Legitimacy and permission.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I needed a perfect simple solution to a situation that was reconfiguring, and while it is not resolved yet, it is going more smoothly.
Then I wanted clews for the Room of Mystery! And some of you sent clews! Thank you. Yay, clews! More are welcome too.
I wanted courage and I got it. Just in time too.
There was an ask about progress on a seemingly impossible thing, and there are signs.
I wanted a mini-chrysalis before Rally and that did not happen, which is actually a third thing that I am feeling sad about. So I am going to process that because it is interesting. Why do I not give myself what I need? Aha, because I have rules about what trumps what. I will do some madcap Shiva Nata on that.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Yay for mice in hats!
Last week: I wanted this week “not to suck.” And that happened! Yay! Also, I made progress on the Blanket Fort, which was from the week before last, and I found out that the suckiness from before *was* progress on the Blanket Fort. Yayay!
This week I want:
#1: A Passage
For the experiences of this week to be exactly what incoming me and I need to come closer to one another.
Ways it could work:
FORCE FIELDS! Also, the unexpected. And I’ve heard that the tenacious belief “I am loved” will also be helpful.
What I will play with:
FORCE FIELDS! Grounding. Presence. Believing I’m loved. Watching for clews. Being surprised.
#2: Harmonious Community
I would like to be surrounded by an energy of welcoming, belonging, protection, safety, sovereignty, gentleness, nourishment, celebration and play. I would like it to be available to everyone who comes into contact with our wedding and/or reception.
Ways it could work:
Clearly, force fields are involved. I think it has to do with watering chickens, at least a little.
What I will play with:
Staying in my force fields. Grounding. Presence. Believing I’m loved. Watching for clews. Being surprised. Asking for help.
Whooosh. Off into the world.
Oh, mice in hats! Leads my very tired mind to mice with swords, and then perilous hares, and then I’m in tears for the brave badgers. Perhaps I need more naps.
Which leads me to my VPAs for the week!
1. More core needs, please!
Not exactly that I need more, but its suddenly become very crucial that I start identifying them for every thing, and then figure out how to get them met.
Ways this could work: pausing before projects. Taking the time (what, five whole minutes?) to figure out what I really need from that thing. And what I need from non-project things, in order to feel safe, and like there’s progress, and I can relax.
I’ll play with: my legal pads, of course! And colored markers. OOOH! And the new glittery pens.
2. To announce a party
Or at least get further along with the party announcing.
Ways this could work: Write a little tiny paragraph of copy? Break it into the smallest pieces, and do them Thursday morning before we leave?
I’ll play with: Seeing how many Chihuahuas are in this party! (sorry, Eve!)
3. For things to be super smooth with the new house sitter.
I’m really nervous about this. New people with our dogs often doesn’t go well. But!! I have magical baby gates!
Ways this could work: I can be relaxed about it, and see how the dogs behave, and it’ll work out either way.
I’ll play with: quite possibly a stiff drink first.
4. To spend some time dreaming with Me in the Garden of that House.
Silent retreating on this… its still growing – but wanted to put it out there, just a tiny bit.
Updating from last week: I’m really, really enjoying this trust thing. It’s deeply wrapped up in the relaxing experiment. Both seem to be dependent on identifying my core needs in a situation, making sure those are met… then just seeing what happens. Or doing whatever seems amusing, because the core is safe. This is a HUGE bing for me. Other things are actually rolling along!
A Thing:
I am feeling more upset than I want to be about a shoe that hit me yesterday. I would like to stop stewing about it, and for the stewing that’s happening anyway to lead to somewhere or something helpful.
WTCW:
* metaphorical hotel rooms for the me that wants to throw shoes back and the me that wants to cut my connection to the shoe-thrower right bloody now already
* role-playing: is there a me I can inhabit who would find the shoe-throwing more intriguing and informative than aggravating? Or a more compassionate me who can see the shoe-thrower as a child or a student or a patient?
* displacement: the shoe hurt because it smacked a button that’s connected to other clumps of wires, including big, big knots of Oh-cripes-here-we-go-again. I could pay more attention to the dust-billows on my end, which I can do something about, than the shoe-heaps on shoe-thrower’s end.
I’ll play with: “Now is Not Then” mints on the hotel room pillows. Metaphorical pedicure, and maybe a real-life one, too (Slightly Future Me is giving a thumbs-up to that one. SFM also has a message for me: It is okay to take more than a week to discern “what now?” and “what next?” with this situation. It is realistic to need more than a week: the shoe-thrower’s monsters have been around for a long, long time, and they’ve had so much practice at standing their ground. People with far more training and experience than you would need more than a week, and this is training and experience for me…)
Sending everyone here hopeful thoughts and supportive vibes for their Things.
What Corie said about identifying core needs: yes! That resonates so much! Me too!
What else I want:
More seemingly impossible and unlikely good things to happen. The present state of “floating along being happy” to continue.
More learning and self-knowledge. More research by the internal scientists. More using what I know.
More EASE: more Essential self care; more Action; more Setting things up; more Elegance (simplicity, dignity, grace).
How I am going to approach this:
Putting it out there (and putting it here).
Watching for it.
Not trying to make it happen.
Noticing and taking note.
With trust.
With playfulness.
With expectation and hope.
Being open.
yay to many plumlets! as the original PLUM is so scrumptious. Also, plumlets make me think of prunes, which (possibly for me only) is both a hilarious and delicious thing.
I want: Everything to happen with ridiculous ease!
I found out there is a two-week trip happening. Starting Saturday (!) Cheers and cheerio! Also: it suddenly matters that I’ve been putting off the big deal thing. It’s been mulling, furiously and happily, but not -happening-.
WTCW: I do all the online/bandwidth intensive things now.
I can spend more time planning and relying on the super-speedy superpower that looks suspiciously like play.
Doing everything as an awesome present for Beth-on-the-beach.
Deciding that whatever happens is a success.
Playing with: Ease. Completion. Play. Hope.
I love all the codes!
[Boston/Astoria] sounds SO LUSCIOUS!
Last Time
I wanted slow time and I found some. I wanted something for the Eurocup that didn’t happen but that’s ok because Brasil 2014 here we come!
I really wanted a simple solution on upcoming conversation and I feel like space is evolving around this.
Thing 1 – A wonderful conversation
This feels ambitious but I am going there. I would like to start communicating and talking about my research more, in a strong and safe and wonderful context and a good conversation.
Ways this could work – mmm. strengthening the force field. preparing but not-overpreparing. re-reading my alignment exercizes. Connecting to the good in the universe and the good in people?
I’ll play with – energies. costumes. excitement. fascination. reconnecting to the deva of my work. letting my work have its own deva and its own life path, disconnected from mine. stepping away from the ego of ownership. sharing freely.
Thing 2 – A Solid Draft
Another big ask and yet I am asking. Universe, will you help me out ?
Ways this could work Time in the garden, time in the office. Alternating and shifting and Tesseract and exit and entry and logbooks. Mmmmm.
i’ll play with – again with energies and excitement. other words with an e? Stickers. Rewards. Berries. working in the grass. enjoying the words and the sentences and the flow of things.
Thing 3 – Clarity in a situation
I feel I am ready to embrace clarity now in situation [silent retreat].
Ways this could work Time. Space. Feeling what I feel and needing what I need. A solid refusal of antyhing that is silly and non-clear.
i’ll play with dancing, music, inspirations. staying with myself. being on my own team. being my own supporter.
Thing 4 – More play with the force field
I have been learning a few amazing things about forcefields, thanks to Andy! and thanks to time in the metaphorical thinking batcave. I’d love to keep learning there.
Ways this could work waking up with the forcefield. enter and exit of everything. feeling what i feel. glow-sitting and yoga class and chatting more with andy!
i’ll play with colors. dreaming. breathing. lie-ing in the grass.
Thing 5 – Preparation for my Retreat Week
I imagineered a Retreat Week and my friend Eefje just made it happen out of nowhere. I believe we might have a case of Teseract! I want to feel wonderfully aligned and happy when I go… ready to meet Eefje and ready to recharge.
Ways this could work Permission permission permission. Some time preparing. Some finding of costumes. Flipflops. Writing books. Convening in the Internal Interviewing Studio.
I’ll play with Decorations. Dancing. Shift and Tesseract… i might already be there. Letting things flow. Presents. Presents for me!
LOVE to the Commenting Mice and to Havi and to Selma!
Hi friends! Hi Havi!
Don’t know what this Boston/Astoria thing is, but if there is a literal Boston component, that would be VERY COOL.
Today, asking for calm conviction that I don’t need to make the world rotate or sweat the details. Want to let things (lalalala! Things know What They Are) take care of themselves.
Also, some success to report: A coveted object came to me this week. It is a very beautiful fig tree and I have loved it and wanted it for years. Its current owner is giving it to me for the best possible reason: he’s moving to an AMAZING place on this planet to do something wonderful.
I can’t ever remember being happier for someone else’s good news, and that was before the fig tree.
So, actually, I would like more of that: taking joy in the joy around me. YES!
What I want: Loving, fulfulling, comforting connection with my mother, who is visiting this week.
Ways this can work: I need to practice sovereignty without crankiness. I want to listen. I want to talk. I want to laugh together. I do not want to be caught in the middle of anything. More sovereignty, then — gentle, compassionate sovereignty.
I’ll play with: Love.
1. Congruence at work
I have taken on a considerable portfolio of duties this year! Exciting! But there are clear steps in the hard that need to provide more congruence, which affects how I work and how I feel about how I work.
Ways this could work
I could do some pre-writing…I just realized that there actually isn’t a meeting set to talk to my boss about this. So I could do that. I could do my research. And then I could (eep) propose my new title and new salary. (!!!!! that is very exciting just to write out, even if this wanting is very very conflicted, but that’s why I’m bringing it here.)
My commitments
To schedule time for myself to noodle about this. And take care of the scared parts of me by thinking in advance about what happens if I hear “No” and what to do next.
2. Time with friends
It’s been a while. I feel all disconnected and discombobulated.
Ways this could work
I could spend some time thinking about why and how friend time helps me reconnect to myself. To fill up internally and then connect.
My commitments
To remind myself that the evening schedules have been off for three weeks because of my trip, and will next week fall back into normalcy(ish).
3. Talk about the epiphany
I had this great big huge epiphany related to my marriage and its reconfiguration process, and it’s made me think about things very differently. But I haven’t talked to my spouse about it yet and I want to (eep more conflicted wanting).
Ways this could work
Oy. It’s definitely my turn to initiate a talking time, except therapy is today, so I can start by acknowledging that aspect. But in general, whatever happens today at therapy could get the wheels moving a little easier. I can also do some pre-writing to remind myself about the epiphany itself, and translate it into what I want K and N to know about it — one of the ways this will work is by remembering that it’s not the epiphany itself that matters, but how it changes my behaviors and plans.
My commitments
To practice conscious entry, conscious exit (exit is so hard! can i talk to myself on the iphone maybe and record it?) for this afternoon. I can also work on acknowledging that I didn’t desire/know how to initiate a talk this week, and I don’t have to know the reasons why in order to talk about it or get through it.
4. Settling of accounts
There is this annoying credit card thing that is all confusing and lame and also really scary. I want to figure it out.
Ways this could work
This may require a phone call. I may need to write out a script beforehand, and practice entry. I can work on acknowledging the emotions and giving their own safety so they don’t crowd to the front during the phone call. I can ask for the Business Lady Gets Shit Done self to come to the front of the vee and use her skills.
My commitments
To settle this by the end of the week, if today is not possible for some reason. To not despair. To remember that there is no possible answer from the credit card people that can have an actual negative effect on me.
5. Time at the secret hideout!
This is an actual place, and also proxy for a whole summer’s worth of time at secret hideouts.
Ways this can work
For the hideout itself, I already had one idea about how this could work — can I implement that idea? For the proxy fractal flower parts, I could make it a special project and concentrate on all the pieces that need to happen to make it flow.
My commitments
To not forget this project. To find a way for this time to live inside each of the summer months.
6. Shoes and seats
My new running shoes, P’s summer sandal-sneaker things, and a rear mounted bike seat. These are all helper-items for #5, actually!
Ways this can work
I can send the grandmas on the hunt. I can activate Craigslist spies. Maybe K or I know someone through respective workplaces looking to get rid of one, or has one unused we can try out? Secret money-stash for this by selling those other fancy shoes on CL?
My commitments
To fill up on internal abundance so that the external can flow.
7. Bloggyblog
I want to check in about all the processing stuff that has been Floopified.
Ways this can work
Make it simple: start with the character list, start with what I remember, use the posties. Make it fun: a postcard from my adventure on the Floating Playground!
Ways this can work
I could set this as a list I add to over time, so it’s not a wild-donkey type project.
My commitments
To forget about congruence with what came before: focus on where I am now.
8. Ballet! Swimming!
For the little llama! But perhaps also fractal flower for me too!
Ways this can work
I can borrow the powers of #5 (wow echoes all over the place from #5) and find where this time lives in the schedule.
My commitments
To not let shuttle-duty time become a substitute for secret hideout time. To bring all my clever erev knowhow to the front of the vee when it’s time.
.
Whew! I had no idea these were all hiding inside! I love it when that happens 🙂 It’s been four weeks since my last VPA, but I got the reconfiguration-talk I wanted, I figured out all but one of the phonecall asks, and I MOST DEFINITELY got hot pink together for the final bout. Yay pink hair! I miss you, pink hair! One day we’ll be reunited!
#Thing one
For my ood to work out with smoothly
Ways this can work
Keep it simple, follow the map, avoid the rabbit holes, ask for help.
My commitment
To take the steps, to be open to the flow, not to rush it.
Qualities I’ll play with
ease, flow and energy
#Thing 2
A hat is still to be found, but maybe not a potter’s hat 🙂
I’m re-asking and I promise to be more aware and not forget.
VPA Update
My silent retreat thing still hasn’t happened but that’s OK. I can see how it will work more clearly now.
So I think this is vpa two or three for me. I’m applying chicken amnesty.
#1 was going to be “easy” and the way it was going to could work is “hope, trust (not blind faith but recognizing that it always has somehow so of course it will)”; with that spirit, I’m upping the ante to “fun!” and it’s going to work because I *I* am powerful and *I* always have made it so and so *I* will again. YES.
#2 is the very same thing for my very best friend who needs it even more, and I will play with being a super hero; no mask needed but I think a cape could be of use. And perhaps some feathers?
#3 Getting **it done.
Ways it could work: with easy and fun.
I will play with: being willing to get seen wearing capes and feathers in the interest of progress. And coming up with some good super hero one-liners to explain myself.