Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
So many things I want to say right now!
Let’s start with this. I love double meanings. I love double meanings so much that I get physical pleasure from discovering them.
Today I complained about a strawberry jam wrapper that had found its way onto the path by my back door. Like a ketchup packet? But for jam? I had never seen anything like this before, and I do not like the idea of people littering in my garden path, or even being in my garden path for that matter.
Someone suggested that maybe it was a crow, and I said that I hope so. I hope it is a crow. And I hope that it is his jam.
And then I giggled for at least an hour.
Today the theme is Releasing Wishes, and that is a double meaning too. It is Wishes about Releasing, and it is the act of releasing the wishes, like balloons.
Like balloons.
Remember when I told you about yoga with Sigal? I got to Sigal through Sivan, my first real yoga teacher and a really good friend. Most of the good things in my life have come from Sivan dragging me somewhere over my protestations.
I remember one particular class that Sivan led, this is back when I was still pretty sure I was against all this hippie nonsense, and I only put up with the guided visualizations she’d do after class because she was my friend.
She had us think about a wish and hold it in our hearts and glow love for the wish. And then she had us put the wish inside of a red balloon and let it go.
I don’t remember what my wish was, but I remember this:
I DID NOT WANT TO LET MY WISH GO.
I think actually this is the first time I really understood the idea of attachment. I felt it. I wanted to hold onto the balloon string with all my might. Don’t leave me, wish. Stay with me, wish. Don’t go.
Currents.
Releasing didn’t feel like freedom, or permission, or allowing something to emerge.
Releasing felt like death, like giving up on hope.
I wasn’t able to understand that surrender can be a sweet softening, that letting something go can be an exquisitely tender act of love, and there were all kinds of good reasons that I couldn’t feel into this distinction yet.
That’s okay. All timing is right timing.
A couple years later I understood that the best way to love the wish is to let it float to wherever it needs to go. And either I will get my wish, or I will receive some aspect of it, or I will receive the qualities of my wish, or I will understand what the wish was really about and a new wish will emerge in my heart.
There are endless wishes, endless beautiful currents for wishes to sail.
And the more I release them, the more wishes I can send off into the world to have adventures. This weekly ritual, these three hundred and eight weeks of releasing wishes into the currents, this is because of what I experienced with Sivan.
Month of Releasing. Time for Releasing.
And then this week suddenly it was June (hello, June), and a new page in the Fluent Self calendar, and guess what. It is the Month of RELEASE MORE.
So I am releasing wishes about releasing more. And I am releasing more wishes about releasing more. And I am wishing wishes that have to do with releasing, and I am releasing them. Into the wild, to play and transform and delight, to set off sparks and chain reactions of wonder and possibility.
It’s time to release more. So here I am.
What am I releasing? What are my Releasing Wishes?
Among the many things I want to release, or that I want to feel ready to release:
- I want to release my fear of the future: all the fear-mongering of the What If monster brigade. Whatever comes will be unique, special, sweet, challenging, and will change me. I want to welcome many beautiful possibilities of what that could look like, including ones I can’t even imagine yet.
- The need to know when and where.
- This physical pain.
- This emotional pain.
- This particular interaction between physical and emotional.
- Trying to figure out what happened when, and if it happened at all. It doesn’t matter. My feelings and perceptions are enough. Let’s heal that.
- Needing to solve all the mysteries.
- The summer when no one came to rescue me.
- Not wanting to be seen.
- These patterns of not saying my yes, and pretending I don’t even know what it is.
- When I had The Playground, my amazing teaching center, for five years…well, I have let that go and that is a releasing, and also it was filled with things: so many vibrantly colored tassels. I wish to release these and find them a new home. And cushions and stuffed animals. I want to release these as well.
- I am going to rent out a room in my house. A suite, actually. The (unfurnished) downstairs bedroom and private bathroom. WOULD YOU (just one of you) LIKE TO COME LIVE IN MY HOUSE FOR SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR? Wood floors. Newly painted. View of the garden. Wonderfully peaceful and beautiful home. I’m practically never there because I’m on the road, and my housemate is at his girlfriend’s a lot of the time. This is a form of releasing and also a form of welcoming.
- All my beautiful metaphorical-red-balloon wishes…
- Plastic in my life, in all forms.
- Forgetting that everything is actually fine.
- This lack of trust. Come in, trust, come in.
- Everything that is done.
What will help?
Sleep. Tea. Hot water bottle.
Taking it to the water, the bath, the ocean, the dance floor.
What else do I know about this?
This is the right time.
What do I want to experience in this new releasing?
Spaciousness. Laughter. Tenderness. Joy. Expansiveness. Sovereignty. Radiance. Trust.
The superpower of Beautifully Anchored and Ready For This Moment.
Anything else about this?
This is related to my Year of Easing & Releasing. I seeded this a long time ago.
And it is related to my Shmita year, which literally is a releasing.
What clues do I have right now?
I have to pee. That’s a releasing too. Let’s do that.
Now.
I am on the couch and it’s very late and I don’t want to go to bed. I am afraid to release the day.
It’s the red balloon thing.
Acknowledgment and legitimacy for all the parts of me who don’t want to get off the couch. I get it. It makes sense.
Sweetness and presence. Let’s take our chamomile tea and head upstairs and breathe in bed. Inhale EASE and exhale RELEASE.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: When you made (non-dairy, no-sugar) banana ice cream today, you released the bananas and the cocoa powder and the vanilla and the poppy seeds. You released them from their previous form so that they could take on this new form: ice cream that was so delicious you were overwhelmed by pleasure and lusciousness.
Me: So you’re saying that releasing can be a kind of alchemy?
She: What if everything in your life is an ingredient which can change form when you let it go?
Clues?
Today I thought that I had three options to deal with [Situation], and I didn’t like any of them. Then I was talking to my friend Danielle, and learned that she has this exact same [Situation], and that she made a choice which had not even occurred to me.
There’s a fourth option!
The superpower of I am stronger than I think.
The quality for May was REVERBERATE, and it comes with I take care of myself first. Now we are in June: RELEASE MORE, with the quality of I am stronger than I think.
This is exactly what I need with this week of doctor appointments. And it is the exact right time to be releasing. I can do this. I can let things go. I am stronger than I think.
This can be a joyful releasing, a peaceful releasing, a sweet releasing. If I want it. I am stronger than I think.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week aka State of Emergence…
I asked for a State of Emergence (E!), and got it. I also got a double meaning of course: state of emergency, state of emergence (E).
This wish helped me gather the courage and focus to set up a flight to Portland for a week of visiting doctors, wise healing people, and anyone who could help me solve some of the current body-related mysteries. And I was able to get a last minute flight from San Francisco and a flight back to Salt Lake City when I’m done, all for 24,000 miles and twelve American dollars, both of which I had.
Emergence was definitely the theme of the week in all kinds of ways, and as always I feel grateful that past-me was so good at planting seeds, even the ones we couldn’t see at the time.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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What beautiful wishes, Havi.
I have no idea what it was, but so much of this has touched me to the point of eye watering. So much of this wish has been my own, and I hadn’t even known it.
The fear of the future thing is something I did know I hold, but the way you said it was so beautiful, so I cried some more.
And now I want banana ice cream because it sounds like the most delicious thing ever to come from a humble banana.
My wish is for rest and replenishment.
My weekend was not good (understatement) and instead of ease, rest and fun I wanted, I got stress, tiredness and guilt.
Tomorrow is a national holiday and I anticipated I would be working anyway, but this morning I woke up with a sore throat and my whole body is tired even though I slept enough, and I’m crying for weird reasons, which is always a sign of being tired-cranky.
What do I know about this wish?
It’s about releasing (!) guilt for not working enough, for not growing my business fast enough, for not providing enough.
I thought I was over this guilt, but apparently I’m not.
I want to allow some space for inspiration and desire to create to call me forward.
Off you go, wish…
Updates on last week:
I wanted a fix for my foot. And I got one. which is “do the thing that is really painful and it will get better.” Which I guess can apply to more than one thing.
Also, Past Me used to wish for new jobs and on Monday I got a call about a job and I have an interview tomorrow. So I will wish for calmness, preparedness and not too much flinging of my hands around while I talk.
I’m not ready to release my wish about The Boy. That story isn’t over yet. It’s just moving at a slower pace than I thought it might.
Releasing as alchemy: I *love* that.
What beautiful wishes.
Thank you for the image of the red balloon, and the explanation. I understand releasing better now.
<3
I also love the releasing as alchemy thing.
“Human kind cannot obtain anything without first giving something in return.
To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.
That is alchemy’s first law of equivalent exchange.
In those days, we really believed that to be that world’s one and only truth.”
[Full Metal Alchemist]
-o-
“What if everything in your life is an ingredient which can change form when you let it go?”
Wow, this really striked a note with me (is this an actual expression?), on a level I don’t even entirely understand yet. Going to put in on my desktop as a reminder…
*Struck! struck a note! I think
Such beautiful truth here. -o-
I am home sick today and am so in my stuff abut everything.
Lots of ongoing wishes. Lots of tiny adjustments and sweet things that are gifts. Lots of synchronicities, recurring phrases. Lots of fractal flowers, but also, suddenly, a bunch of stuck.
What worked this past week was spending time on Sunday journaling on Operations Natasha and Levanah. realized i really need lots more journaling, because good stuff came up.
Both of them insist on better food, which is a very complex and weighted thing for me, so I proxy it Yellow Daisies. This includes everything from taking my probiotic and a glass of water first thing in the morning, to getting to the farmers market and cooking better food. I have not gone gluten-free, but suddenly What Would Natasha Eat? is a wuestion i’m asking.
Wonderful gifts have come my way:
-kids leave for Florida on saturday, will return in many weeks. this is so much privilege, but i absolutely need it
-more poetry
-moving towards greater congruence, very timely
-wet weather
-dance! tease techniques on mondays, cbf in july, more zumba which is good practice.
-the tiny lil baby hint of a wish that is Black Box
-feeling the joy sprks in ritual, i’ve lost that pizzazz but have discovered tech that brings it back
My biggest wish is about the Wretch Illusion: toxic media culture, toxic plitical culture, i could go on. i get spun by it, but it is all an illusion designed to disconnect me from source so i will fill in that empty space with stuff. I think this is becoming My Last Straw. I want to excise thrse narratives frm my life, i want to be able to imagine soemthing Mo Betta, rather than wallow in pinting out the bullshit. Yes pointing out what’s not working is important, but for me i have too much tnedency to stay there and not move into action.
WIW: better media content, excising the toxic elements from my intellectual diet
WTCW: Not sure, but i think just vibing on this the past few months has brought me enough insight to be able to articulate this wish. it took time. every time i pass over shitty contnt in any feed, and refrain from clicking the rage-bait, i win. so clearing out the bad, making room and inviting in the good. Much like good vs. bad food.
ICT: More journaling. more sleep. more reading.
Ongoing wishes:
-Everything is okay
-I know what to do next
-Foundation and Temple
-Operation Gold Star – so many parts
-It supports all things, all things are supported by this
– Unexpected support
-i’m a writer ecause i write, i’m a dancer because i dance
-all my Ops
-discipline is rembering what you want
– I visit the Holy Wells
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes. xxx
Some days the serendipity is . . . astounding. Like being at the ocean and suddenly a flying fish (with actual feathered swan’s wings) glides up and smacks me gently on the head. Wake up! Pay attention!!
There is [stuff] going on about releasing and attachment — huge lessons in releasing and attachment!! So much sorrow. So much rage. The tears will pass if I get out of their way. The urge to scream and punch the wall will pass harmlessly (so long as I do not ACTUALLY punch the wall; bones are far more brittle than drywall).
So the musing about the alchemy of release is particularly welcome. As is the thought of the crow licking his talons as he jams out licks in your garden.
Heart shaped pebbles and bowls of excellent soup to you, with ice cream of your choosing for dessert.
Oh, wow, you guys. What beautiful wishes!
This week, I wish for safety and healing for someone I care about who’s in the midst of a health crisis. I wish for strength and peace for their family. I wish for calm and patience for myself, while I wait for news. The waiting is so hard.
I am also re-wishing my wish for a job. And my wish for an apartment. Everything feels impossible, and terrifying. I wish for peace and patience and hope as I wait to see how things turn out.
I also wish for more information about how a project I’m thinking of could take its best shape. I want to create an online community for people to encourage each other’s creative work. I’ve been looking for good online art communities to join, and haven’t found exactly what I’m looking for. So I’m considering making it myself, but I’m not sure what format would be best. Email? Podcast? Chat room? Website with forums? Wishing for more intel, and clews. And open to ideas and insight if anyone has any to offer!
Thank you so much for this wish, and this month’s quality, and this SuperPower. All of which I SO needed, but didn’t know I needed. I sort of hadn’t noticed it was June, so much STUFF going on, and I hadn’t thought about what June Is the Month Of, for me. But RELEASING is absolutely, exactly, perfectly right for me at this moment.
All timings are right timings.
The Super Power of I Am Stronger Than I Think was also exactly what I was unconsciously wishing for this very afternoon! So now I have it – yay!
Wishing sweetness for all the Wishers x
oh, it’s almost weird how perfect this is for me right now! I have so much stuff about releasing, and said stuff got super triggered this week as I am leaving a (thing) and unable to focus on what’s next because omg I should have done better while I still had the chance and now it’s all over and I Failed. Again.
I am thankful to feel all this and how much it hurts. I mean, it very much sucks, but I am thankful for clarity, for being able to feel it and interact with it consciously. I wish for safe passage through Breakdown Territory,for more support, for ease and healing. And I wish to accept that this will take time, because it goes deep and it goes far back and sometimes i think it actually defines me. Like, who would I even be without (all my stuff about releasing)? Could I even handle the Herenow? Do I deserve to be free from worry and second-guessing?
I guess I have stuff about releasing my stuff about releasing.
(a breath for all the stuff about releasing)
actually? i am sitting here right now all in my stuff, editing and re-editing and unable to release this comment 🙂 let’s do this, then.
what else do I want to say?
hello. thank you. wow! what beautiful wishes!
Oh, beautiful wishes.
I’m releasing into the world the idea of living in Hoppy House (because it won’t work for me right now so I’m letting myself be free of attachment to actually doing that). I’m also releasing that lovely idea in the form of reverberating qualities…maybe I will wake up as if I’m getting cozy in your sweet suite for the next six months. Maybe I will enjoy that freedom, that newness, that garden view, that quiet.
The tetchiness triggered by the temporary crowns is tiresome, as is the second-guessing of myself on what advice/providers to trust. So a VPA for improvement both in pain management and monster negotiation.
Seeking same for some tech issues.
WTCW:
To remember that I have ample resources, and that recent history shows a record of sound instincts and decision-making. Now is not then!
More tea.
More rest.
Cinnamon sticks.
Aioli.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
“I am afraid to release the day.”
That got me right in the heart, in that special oh-that’s-what-I’ve-been-feeling sort of way. I’m going to try that tonight.
This has been beautifully apt to read. Last week I get hit by a car when I was biking home and I now have concussion. Strangely, wanting has almost all gone, along with capacity to read, write and do small talk. It will all come back. I was able to trust myself, the people around me when the collision happened and since, be my body, ask for help, and I am so grateful for the little practices I do that made this as okay as it can be. Good wishes sent in a red balloon to you, though they are feeble as this too is bruised, I hope they spin up some luck n the form of letting go and relaxing into what is.
Wishing you speedy recovery! <3 <3 <3
Lately everything is terrifying and I’d like to release that. I’d also like to believe that I’m stronger than I think. Learning to hold things lightly is still a thing.