I keep seeing this “timestamp” thing freaking my people out.
You know, setting a date for something. This is when it’s finally happening.
Because, you know, the productivity guru-ey people need you to say that whatever it is you’re busy not-doing is — despite all odds — actually going to happen.
And not only going to happen, but going to happen by a specific date.
Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Especially if it works for you. Yay — stuff that works!
But if having a date on something makes you want to throw up?
Let’s talk about that.
Totally understandable.
Sometimes having a timestamp on something makes you want to throw up because ohmygod it’s going to happen and I’m not ready.
And sometimes having the timestamp makes you want to throw up because ohmygod that’s like, two years from now and what if I can’t make it that long?!
Either way, it doesn’t really matter.
The point is that it’s time for reassurances!
Reassurances!
Point 1: You’re allowed to feel panicked and terrified.
Whatever you’re feeling is a legitimate thing to feel. Always.
Wanting to throw up = normal.
Point 2: Timestamps are malleable.
Here’s the thing.
Life is a weirdly dynamic process. Things shift and change. As we all pretty much know, that’s just how they are.
To paraphrase the Dude, new shit can come to light.
Which means?
Just because you’re saying right now that a thing is going to happen in X amount of time doesn’t mean it has to. It might. But it doesn’t have to.
Setting the date is just to help you feel supported — like the thing you’re thinking about might actually turn out to be a real thing.
But if that’s bringing on the scary? Skip it. It’s just pretend. It can happen sooner. It can happen later.
The point is to make space for it to happen with timing that’s right for you. You can change the date as many times as you need to. Or life will change it for you.
Point 3: You’re almost always wrong anyway.
Ow. I know, that’s not really reassuring. But it is kind of.
Oh, examples. I have some.
When I was a bartender in Tel Aviv and I really, really, really wanted to be not-a-bartender in Berlin, I needed a timestamp.
It had been ten years. I wanted out of the Middle East. I wanted out of the bars. I wanted out period.
The problem is that I was earning minimum wage — which translated to about $3/hour. If I worked overtime and didn’t spend money on anything other than rent and the bare minimum of food, I could save, oh, about a dollar a month.
So my five year plan was … kind of depressing. And not very viable. But I clung to it.
My whole plan was based on all sorts of assumptions about what I needed in order to make the changes. And, as is so often the case with assumptions, I was wrong about all of them.
Because we know nothing about nothing.
It didn’t take five years. It took one year. It was a hellish year, yes. But it was a year.
I had a timestamp. And the timestamp wasn’t all that relevant. What was relevant was the dream. The thing I was giving myself permission to ask for.
Point 4: Things often do happen in the right time.
Maybe not always. I don’t know. A lot.
And the best way that I know to try and remember this easily-forgettable-thing is to ask for the perfect, simple solution.
Like this:
“Okay. Even though I’m not sure I actually believe that things can happen in the right timing for me, I am open to the perfect simple solution.
“I might not be convinced that such a thing even exists, but if there is a perfect, simple solution, it is officially invited to show up. Or even many perfect simple solutions.
“And even though lots of things in my life have happened in really crappy timing, I am reminding myself that I am allowed to think that things generally suck.
“I do not have to turn into someone annoyingly positive in order to be open to the possibility that this particular thing might happen in the right time, structure and sequence.
“And if it doesn’t, then whatever happens will probably turn out to have been good timing too, so I’m going to stop stressing over this if I can. Or give myself some more time with this if I can’t.
“I know it feels really urgent right now that everything work out in the exact right way, and I’m just going to try and remember that when I pay attention to what I need, things work better.”
Well, that’s how I do it.
Your version can be way less ramble-ey.
Point 5: There’s time.
Really.
It’s not like we’re going to stop freaking out all the time.
Maybe just some of the time.
But there are two important things going on here:
- If you want to biggify your thing, you gotta work on your stuff. Hence all the destuckification work that we do here.
- Working on your stuff is not the kind of thing that gets a “timestamp”. It’s something you do. It’s part of having a conscious, intelligent, non-jerky relationship with yourself.
So you keep doing it. And you use that work to stay grounded.
That’s so when you do set a date for something, and you want to hide under your desk and cry, you know it’s going to be okay.
You know that you’re allowed to give yourself permission to want to throw up. You know that perfect simple solutions are going to make themselves known. You know that you can handle it even if they don’t.
In the meantime, you get to practice remembering that freaking out doesn’t mean you don’t want to do the thing. Just like how avoidance doesn’t mean that either.
And you get to take your time with it.
Comment zen for today …
We all have stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We’re practicing.
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yesterday I threw in the towel metaphrically speaking – I resolved to take the whole of Sunday off I was tired tired tired and felt that nothing I was doing actually making difference. And in a really negative space.
So… after my ‘I’m not going to Do Anything Anymore( or at least for a week)’ I wrote an outline for a playshop emailed it got good response !
But I am still allowing myself my day off.
So yes having time off from your dream/work is just as productive as having time on your dream in a weird sort of way.
.-= creativevoyage´s last post … Are you happy? =-.
Oh, my. The… utterly delicious ironical timing of this post! Having spent much of the last two nights sleepless and fighting migraines and nausea because of deadlines and schedules and serious overwhelm, this is almost a Sign from the Universe.
That guy I asked for help who made me feel stupid because I needed help with a programming language I haven’t worked in for 20 years? Yeah, some of that was my stuff but some of it was his, too. I can’t fix his stuff, but I think I will have a conversation with mine and find out why it’s afraid and what it’s trying to protect me from.
Then I will talk to the deadlines and reassure all of us that it’s going to work out, because it always does, one way or another.
Thank you once more, Havi.
.-= Carol Logan Newbill @2fishweb´s last post … Two Great Ways to Send Your Readers Fleeing into the Night =-.
This is SUCH a good reminder for today. Thank you thank you thank you.
.-= Julie´s last post … How can you tell if you should leave academia? =-.
Interesting. I posted a reply but added my Twitter name to my real name, as @alightheart does (great idea!) and that caused it to get stuck in moderation.
.-= Carol Logan Newbill´s last post … Two Great Ways to Send Your Readers Fleeing into the Night =-.
Time is such a fascinating thing: it is just a tool to measure a weird and abstract fourth dimension (OK, too science-ey for this here blog), but it is also so incredibly loaded with personal meaning and associations, happy and scary and yuck.
For me, time is very logical and meaningless at the same time: I can set a date to finish a Thing and understand how many days that is from now, but at the same time I have no idea how much hanging around in unstructuredness it will take until the Thing starts to take shape and can be finished. In the end, the Thing counts, not how and by what time I get there. Deadlines just add a layer of should to things that might not be a should in itself.
One book that helped me think about ‘time’ in different ways is Ten thoughts about time by Bodil Jonsson. Highly recommended read.
@Carol – I was wondering if that putting-the-Twitter-thing-in-my-name was totally cheesy – glad that it might not be…
@Havi – if this is an example of your trend-bucking business advice? I totally love it.
I’ve had Well-Formed S.M.A.R.T goals up my well-formed A.R.S.E.
Enough! Do it if it’s useful. If it freezes you = don’t!
As always, your work is Permission Central.
And any post that deals with feelings so well, and also includes the line:
To paraphrase the Dude, new shit can come to light.
… is totally rad.
Love. It.
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last post … Handling your feelings, their feelings, your feelings about their feelings =-.
Thank you for this, Havi! I love what you do here, but I’m also still trying to “get it.” I’m not sure what my “stuff” is, but I know I want to find my right people, and I know that I want to be destuckified. So thanks for helping to at least get that far. 🙂
The timing of this post is awesome, as well. My husband and I are moving to Nashville, which been a huge timestamping-freaking-out kind of thing. And even though I am really excited about the transition because it is a huge opportunity to biggify, there are still some days that I want to hide under the kitchen table and make it all go away.
So I suppose that is the stuff I am working on. Thanks for the reassurances you shared in this post. I feel a little more courageous, a little more like I can look at our timestamp with more excitement than fear. And when I feel like throwing up, I’ll know that’s okay, too.
.-= Dee Wilcox´s last post … Art is Everywhere. This Week: Art Every Day Month =-.
Delicious irony and timing, as always.
.-= Emily´s last post … Hidden Oak – November (a poem) =-.
Having the due date can be a motivator, sometimes, for some people. I find that doing something towards your goals, consistently, will get you there in a happy state. But importantly, the “something” could mean resting, resetting, and/or reflecting, if that’s what you need to do. Taking care of yourself goes a long way.
.-= Mark W. “Extra Crispy” Schumann´s last post … The Saga of Lou =-.
@Andrew: Totally not cheesy, especially since I don’t use my name as my Twitter handle. There were reasons to do it in the beginning, but I’ve found it confuses people.
.-= Carol Logan Newbill @2fishweb´s last post … Two Great Ways to Send Your Readers Fleeing into the Night =-.
Oh my gosh, this post is really perfect timing (sorry I am such a nerd). And I read another article about the same general idea last night, spooky. I sent a timeline for some things I’m working on to my coach this week, oh, about a month after she suggested I do that. I was majorly freaked out about the whole idea of making things official and letting *her* down, among a bunch of other stuff. All part of the whole learning to have a non-jerky relationship with myself thing.
And I’m with Andrew: “new shit can come to light” is totally rad. Carrying that with me.
.-= Briana´s last post … This post has an ulterior motive. Oops, not anymore. =-.
@alightheart – “if it freezes you, don’t”
thanks! and now time for application…
It’s so good to be reminded that sitting under your desk and crying when you finally make those commitments and set those dates is totally a viable response to the fear that comes up when you say “OK. Lets DO this thing.”
And it’s also so good to remember that you just never REALLY know how something is going to unfold. And that there really is plenty of time. And that kindness and compassion to myself… NO MATTER WHAT… is really all that matters!
Breathing easier now….
Thanks for this my dearest Havi.
.-= chris zydel´s last post … Art Every Day Month- Day 19: Toxic Comparison, Soul Sucking Creativity Demons and The Healing Power Of Napping =-.
ah yes, good reminder. My time stamp did make me feel light and free in some ways, but it also makes me freak out daily. On the bright side, at least I feel lighter and freer while freaking out. And now I have been reminded that freaking out is perfectly ok – and that working on my stuff (which is what I have been doing ever since) is the right think to do. Thank you for that.
wanders off repeating “There is all the time in the world.”
.-= Elizabeth´s last post … no. 19 =-.
Havi, if you weren’t somewhere at the other end of the world, across an ocean and such like and were, in fact, sitting next to me right now, I would kiss you.
This post = so timely and somehow has just helped me to reframe a gazillion things and have a few hot buttered epiphanies which I shall go away and digest… hmmm.
*wanders off feeling all empowered now*
.-= Wormy´s last post … A small aside on being one of the Divorced Club =-.
Boy oh boy. I read this seven times, and maybe will come back to read it more later.
My favorite timestamp trick is to pick a date (which then makes me want to throw up), because I fear that if I don’t have the time-stick threatening, it (The Thing) won’t happen at all.
The part I forget, when I’m setting up this system, is that it’s *all pretend* anyway. Ees good to be reminded that I made it up, and I can re-make it up. My Thing is my little snowglobe universe, and I can change the time/space laws to help me whenever I damn well feel like it. Dammit. 🙂
I gotta have a deadline to get anything done…especially for my biz. Otherwise I tinker and tinker endlessly. Perfection is the enemy of the good, as many wise people have pointed out. I’d be lying if I said I never blow past a deadline (I’m pretty sure I have an advanced degree in that), and I’d be lying if I said I never freak out about them. File under: Necessary Hard Stuff.
.-= Sally J.´s last post … A Crazy Rant About Local Eggs (with *important* information about archival photo boxes) =-.
Hey guys!
@Andrew – ooh, first belly laugh of the day! (I’ve had Well-Formed S.M.A.R.T goals up my well-formed A.R.S.E.). Excellent. I am so *your* Right People!
@Amna – *blows kiss*
@creativevoyage – oh yes! Completely forgot to mention that part. That the Taking Intentional Time Off is the best thing for moving forward.
@Crispy Mark – right right right. You always know exactly what I’m talking about – it’s very reassuring!
@Extra Crispy you are quite right about moving towards a deadline doing a bit at a time getting you there in a better state.
November 30th People! this has been my deadline of doom for months and now I’m here, I wish i had just chilled the hell out and done some of this stuff before.
Having been stressed out of my brain in late October, I am now feeling remarkably relaxed.. this may or may not be a good thing! ask me next week!
Having blown one personal deadline or another for myself about, um, one billion times this year, I thank you for writing this.
.-= Sonia Simone´s last post … What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
I actually take great comfort in the fact that I’m probably wrong anyways. It takes some of the pressure off. So if I don’t meet my timestamp because I chose the wrong one, it’s OK. I know more now than I did then, so trying to keep to a schedule that doesn’t make sense isn’t necessary. It makes me feel less like hiding and crying, anyways.
.-= Amber´s last post … Self-Promotion Is No Fun =-.
I’m with Sally J…I need deadlines to make things happen. That being said, I absolutely dread the 48 hours leading up to those deadlines!
Thank god there are no deadlines/”timestamps” for working on your stuff. That would be horrible…and funny. Imagine: “Dec 14th – Finished with fear of failure”
.-= Christine Bougie´s last post … Limits =-.
“I had a timestamp. And the timestamp wasn’t all that relevant. What was relevant was the dream. The thing I was giving myself permission to ask for.”
!!!
Love you.
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Tender Edges of Your Heart =-.
@Christine – hee! “Oh no! I’m going to be at least three days late on being able to like myself! Crap!”
And yeah, if deadlines help you, god bless you. Use them and flourish!
Ooooo…this is a triggery topic for me. Setting deadlines for myself, and then failing to meet them, repeatedly, has become such a source of shame and self-flagellation for me, I am struggling to believe that your wonderfully soothing reassurances truly apply to me. To everyone else, yes, absolutely — but to me?
I want to believe it. I will try.
I suppose it’s all a part of learning to look at my patterns, and not be impressed. Thanks for helping me with that.
.-= spiralsongkat´s last post … Blogging in the dark =-.
Wow. Banging against timestamps large and small (mine and others’, but mostly mine) all over the place here now. Really appreciating this post. Thank you!
.-= Sandra´s last post … Sounds curdly =-.
That was very timely, both for the part of me that’s still hoping against all hope that my thing will be out of my head and into the world by the end of this month, and for the part of me that thinks there’s no way I’m going to make it by that (newish) timestamp, no more than I made it by the previous ones…
@Inge: “I can set a date to finish a Thing and understand how many days that is from now, but at the same time I have no idea how much hanging around in unstructuredness it will take until the Thing starts to take shape and can be finished. In the end, the Thing counts, not how and by what time I get there.” –> Yes! That’s it, exactly! Thank you for putting it up so eloquently.
.-= Josiane´s last post … Noticing – the dragonfly edition =-.
I have more to say (having slept on it…)
I was pushing myself to a new dead…*timestamp* on a project and realised that what I really needed was…
Crap.
Start again.
I’m setting up a new site with nerdy analysis of presentations on it.
I thought I needed a timestamp for launch.
What I *really* need is a quantity-stamp. ie When I have 14 presentations already done, THEN I can launch.
So then I feel more in control of when things happen – I can go faster if I feel like it, or slower and I’m not going to die, or sabotage myself with the opportunity to feel shit.
Might not always apply, but seems sensible with this particular project.
*blushes and grins with eyes shut and tries not to hold breath at being Havi’s Right People*
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last post … Friday list #3 – Yay four and half steps! =-.
“A goal is a dream with a deadline.”
First of all, I’d like to thank Havi for coming up with the term “timestamp.” “Deadline” sounds so, I don’t know, …
… FINAL.
“A goal is a dream with a timestamp.”
There. Better.
The challenge that I have with this post is that it almost seems we’re giving ourselves permission to miss the timestamp in advance. I think that’s counter-productive. We set timestamps for a reason or two:
— we want to accomplish something by a certain date.
— timestamps allow us to work backwards to break down our project into smaller tasks.
— they focus our attention on a goal.
And all these things are important.
Rather, I think it’s more important for us to forgive ourselves for missing timestamps for the very reason you mention: “New shit can come to light.” @spiralsongkat shares the importance of this: “Setting deadlines for myself, and then failing to meet them, repeatedly, has become such a source of shame and self-flagellation for me,…”
This is why we dread the deadline. This is why we shy away from setting goals and timestamps for future projects. Because we’re so ashamed of ourselves that we screwed up the last one.
Rather than set ourselves up for missing the timestamp by forgetting its very purpose, we should forgive ourselves wholeheartedly for missing it, and then figure out what it was that caused us to miss it.
Did new stuff come to light? Yeah? Then, that’s cool. What do you do now?
Nothing new? Where was the stuckness? Found it? Great! Now what do we do?
Because that’s what biggification, non-stuckness, and having a conscious, intelligent, non-jerky relationship with yourself is about.
At least, that’s how I see it.
.-= Paul´s last post … Days of Wine and Roses =-.
I like a good time stamp because when it comes, it lets me look back and see my progress up the hill.
And I like having to look forward to it with joy instead of seeing it out there with fear.
My new time stamp- Having the new improved bridgetpilloud.com up and roaring by the end of December.
Woo-hoo.
Thanks Havi for taking the pain out of the time stamp!
.-= Bridget´s last post … Na-No-Intuit-Mo: Using your intuition to face a potential tragedy =-.