A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

A useful practice

A useful practice

A useful practice, if you are someone who is interested in self-fluency, which is probably you if you’re here, is developing the ability to notice when we get upset or distressed or activated in some way, and maybe something about what sets us off.

This is a skill that we finesse over time, adding compassion as we go, making room for ourselves and our experience.

As we notice what we are noticing, of course we can add Acknoweldgment & Legitimacy, we can try to bring some sweetness into our noticing.

Spaciousness

Again, we work on creating a cozy yet spacious container of sanctuary space, in which it is safe for us to be feeling whatever we are feeling as we experience it.

Yes, I am feeling angry and upset about this, I’m allowed to feel that way, it makes sense that I feel that way, these emotions are moving through my physical body and I am making space for them to move through me…

Sometimes the emotions feel as though they are bigger than us, and we need to come back into right perspective, we contain them and not the other way around. They are temporary, and we contain the wholeness.

Noticing

Sometimes our noticing practice is about providing context: Oh, I notice that I feel upset in response to [x category of behavior or y words], and I am also noticing that my emotional state is more intense if I’m premenstrual or it’s hot outside or I have a headache, etc.

So there’s acknowledgment and legitimacy for my reaction and my reactiveness, and also the recognition that these emotions might be heightened due to circumstances.

Sometimes this is good and useful! Maybe if I wasn’t having that heightened experience, I wouldn’t have been able to clock my reaction to the same degree. Maybe I need this extra burst of emotion to really let myself be as upset as I need to be.

Situation [now] reminds me of situation [then]

Sometimes I can notice that I am feeling MORE intensely, if the current situation is reminding me of a past situation.

As we practice this over time, you might find yourself becoming more adept at this — noticing faster, recognizing that we get reminded of the same hurts because they still hurt more than we think.

This week I wanted to tell you about a situation in my life currently that really only barely has to do with me that has been stirring up all kinds of big feelings for me, and it turns out these big feelings are yet again about something else!

Practicing, in action, in community

This is the practice of noticing, in action, in community.

Or: I am experimenting with modeling what one form of this kind of noticing might look like, in case this is helpful for you.

Obviously, we bear in mind that People Vary. We are all different people having different experiences, your mileage may vary etc.

You are welcome to take any clues that might apply, and tweak things in a way that works for you.

Noticing, take one…

The situation is my friend’s

My friend, a skilled, competent, warm-hearted yoga person, has run an excellent and very thorough yoga teacher training for some years. If I could wave a magic wand and have everyone who teaches train with her, I would.

Someone else is starting up a rival teacher training in the same extremely small town, and this person has been publicly saying negative things about both my friend and my friend’s training that simply are not true, in order to grow her own program.

This is not what is setting off feelings for me though

This all is, sadly, extremely normal boring yoga world drama, and all it makes me feel is sad that my friend is going through this.

Sad and also frustrated that people who study yoga deeply often still can’t work with the basics (speaking truth, for example), and just sort of generally disillusioned with everything.

But not big waves of feeling. Just a slow lapping at the shore of feelings, if that makes sense.

Where the big feelings come in

Where the big feelings come in is that my friend does not wish to correct these lies because my friend does not wish to “compete”.

My friend wants to believe that the truth will prevail, and light over darkness, and all that.

Which, putting aside that this is not the world we live in (points to plummeting vaccination rates and measles outbreaks) is not the world that I live in, and that’s where my big feelings are coming from…

Scooby-doo rewind

Many years ago, my former teacher and mentor spread untruths about me online, in a very public way, and I don’t know what was going through their head at the time or at all, so I can’t make guesses about why or how this came to pass.

Perhaps they had been lied to by someone else about me, and believed those lies, or maybe something else happened, no idea.

What I do know is what happened as a result of this.

Teapots, fires, mixed metaphors abound

Here is what happened:

I did not defend myself or stand up for myself or try to correct these false statements in any way.

In part because of the same line of thinking as my friend: the truth will prevail, people know I’m a good person with a good heart and good intentions, and that will be enough. They will see this for what it is: a bizarre misunderstanding, a miscommunication, and it will be okay.

And in part because everyone in my life, from my business partner to my attorney to my friends, said that this was a tempest in a teapot, and it would blow over on its own. To give it more attention would just be to adding fuel to something that needed to burn out on its own etc.

Regrets etc

The main thing I regret is that by not standing up for myself, I also didn’t stand up for my own students and their teaching and the beautiful work we had done together.

I hurt them, and let them down, and that is awful. I am so sorry about that.

I think in the moment I was trying so hard to course-correct for my teacher’s misunderstanding (his perception that I did not respect him despite having devoted a decade of my life to spreading his work in the world?) that I didn’t want to say anything all that could be even remotely perceived as undermining him and being actually disrespectful to him.

So in that sense, you can say that I prioritized his comfort over the people who I owed something to, the people I had trained. I regret that. I also regret that despite my best efforts, I was not able to resolve the misunderstanding with my beloved teacher.

Noticing, again

So, I have this past painful experience, that majorly fucked me up, and that experience taught me, right or wrong, that the truth does not come out unless you actively put it out there.

And who knows, maybe even then it still doesn’t come out, but at least you tried?

In my experience, for the most part, people did not trust my good heart or trust that I had my own reasons for not defending myself. They were upset and they walked, and it is on me for thinking it could be otherwise.

I see my friend choosing Not-Competing, and what I see is someone declining the opportunity to set the record straight. I wish I had set the record straight, or at least tried.

I wish I had stood up for my students even if it meant that my teacher received that as disrespectful when all I wanted in the world was for him to know how much I respected him and his work.

Reactiveness

Every time I talk to my friend about what she could do to promote her program, I advocate for being really clear about all the great elements of her program, and correcting the misinformation floating around.

She doesn’t want to do this because she thinks love and light win, or something that sets me off completely, and then I stomp around about this on my own time, in my own stuff about it.

What is useful here?

My job here, in my relationship between me and me, is to provide comfort and compassion for the pain and painful echoes of these past experiences.

It sucks that I went through these painful losses, losing my beloved mentor and my beloved students and an entire community, it sucks that people believed and potentially still believe things about me that are not true, it sucks that I still regret acting according to wise and well-meaning counsel that came from people who love me, and so on.

Safety and sanctuary for past-me, for these big feelings of loss, grief, sadness, remorse, shame, hurt, regret and so on, and for all the stirred-up pain from the surrounding narratives, or other life wounds that feel connected to this experience.

My job as a friend is to be loving and supportive for my friend, and to not make this about me and my pain.

Wise counsel: it depends

In retrospect, I think the wise counsel I received from everyone in my life does apply, most of the time, in most circumstances.

Quite often the best move is just to let things blow over, don’t fan the flames, I am going to keep mixing metaphors on this one forever…

In this specific case, I don’t think it was the right move. And if I got to have do-overs, I would make some kind of public statement sharing as much as I could, in as warm and loving a manner as I could, in the interest of everyone having as much information as possible.

Might that also have wildly backfired? Sure. And I still wish I had set the record straight, and been there for people who needed that from me.

Making space, again

Something I have to remind myself when these big feelings come up for me in response to my friend’s situation is this:

Now is not then.
Our situations are not the same.
I can share with her as much as I want or not from my own situation, and ultimately she will receive her own decisions and make her own way, and learn what she learns.

I can’t solve my past pain through trying to solve someone else’s current pain.

What I can do is keep noticing all the ways that my past pain pops up now, and try to layer on experiences of safety and warmth and kindness for myself. I can work on meeting my pain with love, with acknowledgment and legitimacy, and recognize all the ways that it shapes my life.

What is the next step after noticing

So noticing has layers, and noticing is an ongoing step, because there is always more to notice. We notice, and add compassion. Notice more, and add more compassion.

We apply some Now Is Not Then. We take a breath for that.

We notice any monster-stories we are telling ourselves (nothing will ever change, this pain will never stop hurting, nothing ever gets better, nobody loves you, etc), and we investigate, with love, but without giving them too much credence.

We introduce fun and playfulness where we can. DANCE PARTY. Tell the monster-stories in a silly voice. We find the good / where is the treasure.

And we keep noticing how we are feeling, how we are reacting, what we need, what might help. We stay curious.

Stay curious

This is really the practice at its essence, right? It’s the point of all the noticing.

We stay curious about what our needs are, about what might change for the better, what is possible…

We stay receptive to useful clues, fun insights, all the ways that life sometimes offers up surprise moments of healing and joy and loving-clarity…

We try things. We ask what is needed. We look for the next indicated step. We find pleasure where we can.

My focus right now is on being a good friend by glowing supportive thoughts, and making suggestions where I can, and then treating my own pain on my own time, making room for all of it.

Applying this

I’m sure there are scenarios coming up for you, and maybe you will feel drawn to journal or do art or otherwise process on some of these themes or clues or sparks.

If that feels too intense or too close to home, then going for a walk or doing some rolling around on the floor counts as good self-fluency practice too. Safety First!

Maybe it’s just enough to let some of these ideas skip out like stones across the water of consciousness, and there is nothing more that needs to be done for now. The work is working itself out, it’s all solving itself.

Into the wishing cauldron

I am wishing for safety, sanctuary, love, clarity, and joy, or whatever is needed most, for me and for all my former teachers and former students and for my friend, and for everyone reading.

I am wishing for support and strength in training this ability to separate out now from then.

And I am wishing for solace for the painful times and painful situations, past and present.

Certainly there is no shortage of current challenges that are also reminding us of the past, very understandably. I am wishing for simple elegant solutions, and for miracles, and extra ease and comfort for everyone who needs some. Let’s keep going, let’s keep trying things.

Noticing plus softening. Noticing plus breathing. Noticing plus compassion. Noticing plus play. Let’s play.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Recovery just is

Deficit

This week I napped a lot. It was less of a situation of me taking naps, and more like, the naps took me!

If that makes sense. I was kidnapped by some long naps.

It was surprising and unexpected. This past year my sleep has been hot buttered garbage, but after I tried one time to take a nap in January, and the nap turned into a massive panic episode, my body refused to even consider napping as an option.

So the sleep deficit just grew and grew.

These past two months, I have been blessed with getting longer shifts at the sleep factory, and so maybe now my body feels better about trying to play catch-up? Or maybe napping just feels safer.

Or maybe it’s the heat and humidity, the exhaustion of being in evacuation mode from a fire, the cumulative everything, who can say. Wiped out.

Better shifts at the sleep factory

I went through a trauma last fall and, after it happened, my body refused to experience sleep for more than about thirty to forty five minutes at a time.

Eventually these blocks of sleep became longer, but not long enough to provide real rest. I began to refer to my attempts at sleep as my work at the sleep factory, piling up blocks of sleep.

Each time I was able to get in an impressive-to-me shift of three hours or more, I celebrated.

By May, I was occasionally getting the coveted five hour consecutive shift. It’s still inconsistent, but progress is trending upwards. I sleep more than I don’t during my hours at the sleep factory lately, and that is huge.

Context matters

The vibes are not great! You might have noticed!

There’s the compound trauma of the news cycles, geopolitical and local, the climate-collapse tragedies, the general stress of existing in fundamentally shaky times.

Sometimes doing something (anything) within all that seems to take all the strength and courage in the known universe, even something seemingly mundane, like doing laundry or solving for groceries.

Maybe even especially the mundane things feel more fraught, or maybe I just notice my resistance to these more.

Effortful

Everything feels extra effortful these days to me. It’s like revisiting concussion-summer. It’s also reminding me of the first year of Long Covid when it would take me all day to wash a few dishes.

So when we say that Recovery Just Is, we also mean that there are so many reasons we might feel wiped out, so many reasons we might not even remember them all.

Recovery just is.

I might not remember all the context for the fear or the exhaustion, and: my body still needs more rest, more comfort, more acceptance, more experiences of Safety First.

The Decompression Conundrum

A phenomenon my friends and I talk about:

You do something brave or something you have resistance to doing, like going out into the world or getting something off your list, or cleaning the bathroom, and it takes all your energy, and then you need to decompress.

And while there might be dozens of possible ways to decompress, the one you go with is SCREENS, and then SCREENS are not as relaxing or replenishing as you needed them to be, and you spend more time on SCREENS, and then regret.

So a question I have been asking myself is how to make other forms of decompressing feel more appealing and luscious and crave-able.

Maybe a dance party, maybe a gentle yoga hour, maybe reading a book (???????????), listening to music with eyes closed, journaling, flipping through a cookbook…

Monsters gonna monster

Even though it is a good thing that I have been finally catching up on sleep after a grueling year of not sleeping nearly enough, do I feel good about this? Hahahahahaha, of course not. Monsters are monstering!

All of my monsters, aka internal self-criticism mechanisms, are getting on my case about how I am wasting time, and how I will never be productive ever again and also my life is a messsssss, and so on.

But that’s what they do, and I don’t have to be impressed by them or take them too seriously.

I can notice what they have to say, and notice that it feels true and accurate to me, and then I can gather some evidence to prove that they are wrong, or ask my friends to help with perspective.

Recovery just is

Recovery Just Is = something my incoming selves say when I ask for advice, guidance or perspective.

What I think it means is that you can’t rush the healing process, which we all know is messy, non-linear, and goes how it goes.

With luck, one day things get a little easier, or: they don’t but we can be a little more easy with ourselves and the non-ease. Imagine that.

Eventually there are more days like this. And so on.

The hard days are hard

This week was the anniversary of something very painful, and there are two more days like that this month. I didn’t handle it very well.

Or maybe that’s not true. Maybe I handled it exactly the way it should be handled, by falling apart into grief and despair, a natural and understandable reaction to something so painful.

Yet again, recovery just is

Recovery just is. In other words, there’s no utility in blaming myself for still being in pain over painful situations of the past, or painful memories of past joy, or whatever is going on.

This isn’t taking me away from the path, it’s part of the path. I don’t have to like it. It’s not fun. That’s super fair. And also, this is jus what we are going through right now.

Permission and spaciousness for the hard days to be hard, for the process to be bewildering. I can invite ease and also make room for what is right now.

Some perspective about time

Whenever I have the thought that the bad feelings are going to be FOREVER, I know that’s a monster-thought.

Yesterday was hard, hard, hard, hard, and last night was really not great, though I did have a dream about Paul Rudd telling me I have a great ass…

So: blessings upon my subconscious and also blessings upon dream-life Paul Rudd and his flawless opinions.

Anyway, today was nothing like yesterday, so I’m glad I did not fall for the monster trap of YOU WILL FEEL THIS BAD FOREVER, because that was a lie.

Panther time

This morning, much to my surprise, I enjoyed a blissful, creative, playful and fun morning movement practice in my friend’s tiny hallway, between the stairs and the bathroom.

I felt strong and of the earth, like a panther again. I felt my curiosity return, and my ability to find pleasure in play and motion.

Yesterday I would not have thought this was possible, because I was in monster-mode of everything is going to be this devastating forever, but luckily time is not everything-is-frozen-forever, time is malleable.

What else can be playful and malleable?

Can I apply this to the mysteries of Decompression Time?

What else do I know about Recovery Just Is?

Let’s talk to a version of me who is ahead of me on the recovery timeline, who is sleeping more and better, who doesn’t turn a nap into a story about how I am screwing up my life…

Havi: Hey, self of Recovery Just Is, what do I need to know? What am I missing here?
Slightly Future Self who knows more about Recovery: Nothing is taking you off the path. This is the path. Sometimes we move slowly, sometimes we fill up on rest, sometimes we doubt ourselves. It’s all part of getting better and regaining our strength and sense of self…

Havi: What else?
Slightly Future Self: When you catch yourself fighting the recovery process, add some compassion and patience if you can. Like seasonings to a recipe. Sprinkle them in and taste again.

Tell me more

Havi: Tell me more please.
Slightly Future Self: It’s understandable to feel frustration with yourself when there is so much pressure to do and achieve, when there is so much to be done, when the stakes feel so high. And also, Recovery Just Is.

Havi: Okay, so, be less hard on myself? What if I do that and just stop getting anything done at all????
Slightly Future Self: That isn’t what’s going to happen. Making space for recovery is also making space for clarity, motivation and the ability to feel into the next indicated steps. Your passion might make a comeback as well, you never know…

Aren’t you bored of that yet?

Havi: So try being less hard on myself and trust the process? That sounds very hard.
Slightly Future Self who knows more about Recovery: Sure, it could be hard. It doesn’t have to be though. You would be able to channel a lot of grace for someone you loved who had been evacuated from their home, in a year of hard things.

Havi: Yes, okay, maybe?
Slightly Future Self: Channeling grace is channeling grace. Why do you hold yourself to impossible expectations? Aren’t you bored of that yet?

Havi: Oh damn.
Slightly Future Self: Just saying, maybe it’s time to get bored of that pattern. No one is being served by boring perfectionist bullshit.

Where do we go from here

A lot of food for thought, as they say. A buffet of things to think about.

I think I want to channel the beautiful stubbornness of my future self, and just keep repeating RECOVERY JUST IS, until the penny drops and that concept lives in my consciousness…

Recovery just is. Add kindness and compassion and patience. Make room for the hard things being hard, and also for them to get easier faster than I think is possible. Make room for both and get out of the way.

What if we start there and feel our way into it? Channel some courage and keep making space for this moment of right here right now, taking a breath for that and for what might be possible from there…

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Operation streamlined / learning about ease & not-ease

The most confounding advice

I wrote about this a little bit last week, but basically the situation is this:

Every time I try to consult with any Incoming Selves, aka any slightly future versions of me, they refuse to weigh in on my problems, and just say: It’s easy if you do what you want.

It’s easy if you do what you want.

Is it though?

I mean, come on. I want it to be! But I don’t know…

Havi Gets Prickly!

And then, invariably, predictably, I get a little prickly about this, for two reasons.

First of all, I am very limited in what I can do thanks to a variety of constraints, from financial resources to available options to how much energy I have, so how is it even relevant what I want if I can’t act on it.

Second, what if I don’t know what I want!

Or what if the things I want all seem equally appealing and/or unappealing! And often at the same time! Which seems extra unfair.

What if everything just comes with pros and cons, and considering them is overwhelming, how do I even know which is my yes?

To which my incomings say, you guessed it: It’s easy, if you do what you want.

Exploring

So I have been exploring this concept of It’s Easy If, as well as my own prickliness in response to it.

This exploration has become the theme of Operation Streamlined, which is the name I have given to my summer excursion that resulted from fleeing a fire at my place, without taking anything with me.

Now I am visiting family and friends in Oregon while I wait for some good news, and I am considering what it means to let something be easy. I am learning about Ease and Not-Ease, and how they relate to Streamlined.

And I am learning (a lot) about how much resistance I have to this entire process. Good to know!

Clarity, a slow and steady drip

So far, some bits of Clarity have landed, and I am going to share them with you.

They might not be the clarity you need for your situations, whatever those may be, but maybe the clarity I received contains some sparks or truth-kernels that can support your own investigations and explorations.

Clarity #1: the caveat to It’s Easy If You Do What You Want

The thing about It’s Easy If You Do What You Want is that first though you gotta do the hard part of admitting to yourself what you want.

I have to be honest with myself, maybe even uncomfortably honest with myself.

More than that, I cannot pretend to myself that I don’t know what I want! And it turns out that I like pretending I don’t know what I want!

Wow, it is so vulnerable to just say it out loud. And yet. Every time I say that I don’t know what I want, it turns out that I do know, and I just don’t want to admit it.

Ease begins with Not-Ease

As my wise and hilarious friend Kathryn put it: Tough news that in order for things to be easy you have to begin with the hardest task in humanity!

Say what you want. To yourself. That’s step one. And it’s a doozy. Or it can be.

It’s easy if you do what you want (but first you gotta name what that is and not hide it from yourself!).

Clarity #2: Acknowledging some ingrained patterns

I found another way to frame this question of how would it be easy to do what I wanted if I knew what I wanted or if I could be honest with myself about what I want…

And that is:

What would I do in a given situation if I weren’t invested in people-pleasing everyone involved in these scenarios???

And what I got from investigating that is that the reason I do so much people-pleasing is because I don’t want to be around the energy of someone feeling resentful about me being in their space.

Some background

I was raised by people who had big moods that were unpredictable, I was married to someone who didn’t like sharing space with me, I’ve had roommate situations with people who wished I didn’t exist, and so on. I have spent a life maneuvering, trying to not stress anyone out with my presence.

So of course I am not taking into consideration what I want because I am primed to worry about what I think everyone else might want.

Or: it turns out that I can’t turn off my accommodating and people pleasing patterns while making considerations, then maybe the answer to what I want right now is to not stress people out because then I have to be around their stress…

And also maybe there is a deeper want that I can access if I’m not trying to accommodate everyone…

Something about conflicting yeses

For example, I want to be somewhere by myself so that I can’t engage in those patterns, but my other True Yes is three minute hugs (outdoor dancing) and seeing friends and connection.

So I am back to diving into this question/mystery of “It’s easy if you do what you want” but hard to admit what you want.

A clue about cards

My wise and wonderful uncle, Svevo, said something about sometimes just saying yes to everything and letting the cards fall as they may.

And he’s not wrong, and also even with that I have to be hyper aware of people pleasing tendencies.

I am thinking about being raised by people whose moods swung rapidly and unpredictably, and how I am trained basically from birth to be hyper-attuned to everyone’s mood, and contorting myself to not be a negative impact on someone’s mood through being in their space.

Something to take to shower-therapy or walking-in-circles therapy, or walk a labyrinth on it.

My comment is more of a question

I thought I had another piece of clarity, but it was more of a question than a comment, or: more of a question than a clarity.

Is the wisdom of “It’s easy if you do what you want” the same as “If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no”…

And for me, if that’s the case then everything right now is a hell no, because all my options are in the category of “sure, maybe that would work for me” but nothing is a concrete yes, other than outdoor dancing which is a big yes.

Interview with an Incoming

Havi: Please help me integrate this clarity. I’m still feeling unsure about how to assimilate any of this. Like, I think I understand the basics of [It’s Easy If I Do What I Want], and that first I have to get really honest with myself. But where is the ease exactly?
Incoming self: You are going to do some outdoor partner dancing, after six years of not dancing. Do you remember the secret to dancing with someone?

Havi: Yes, you can’t try to devote yourself to pleasing the lead, because it will just be confusing and exhausting for both of you. You have to move from the earth, and dance your dance, and be beautifully grounded and consistent. Then the lead knows what they are dealing with, and it’s easier for them to dance with you than if you are trying to give them what you think they want.
Incoming self: You get it.

Havi: So it’s like that, but between me and me. Or between me and the situations, or between me and the cosmos. Or am I not getting this?????
Incoming self: It’s easy if you do what you want.

Tell me more

Havi: Tell me more, please. Like what do I do with all these constraints, for example.
Incoming self: Treat the constraints as a gift. The constraints make things easier not harder because they are so clarifying.

Havi: Say more about this.
Incoming self: Constraints are your friend. Constraints are the banks of the river. The constraints show you what you are working with. They narrow things for you in a useful way. Like the structure of a haiku. Sure, you can only do so much, but that also means you have the gift of a form to fill.

What if

Havi: What if I genuinely don’t know what I want?
Incoming self: lololol

Havi: What if I’m scared to say what I want?
Incoming self: Of course you are. That’s why it’s so courageous to choose ease.

Havi: I don’t know what to do with that.
Incoming self: Say what you want.

Havi: I want my passion back, but also I know there is no back, so maybe I want a new passion. I am afraid of burning out again, so I want a new way that prioritizes my well-being. I want to prioritize joy, fun and play. I want to find a new better path or enjoy the one I am on more.
Incoming self: That’s a great start. Good job. Tell me more.

The gentle art of being uncomfortably honest

Havi: I miss teaching, but I don’t want to be at the front of the room.
Incoming self: What if you start by just magic-8-ball-ing some small situations…

Havi: What do you mean?
Incoming self: What do you want today? What do you want this week? What feels like a strong yes as opposed to a maybe? You have the tools to get quiet and tune in, so get quiet and tune in.

Getting quiet and tuning in

We take a break to do a little meditation.

Havi: What I want is to prioritize peace and quiet. And there are things I want to teach but through not-exactly-teaching them. And you are right that it’s time to release the people-pleasing.
Incoming self: You know what I’m going to say.

Havi: It’s easy if I do what I want? But first I have to say what I want and make peace with the fact that I want it?
Incoming self: Yes, and you have the right idea on first steps. Get really quiet, go inward, wait it out. Say no to things that get in the way of that. Say yes to experiences that fill you up on joy. Reduce chaos. That is also related to streamlined.

Havi: Anything else?
Incoming self: Try to have more fun. I know these are terrifying times, and also: you are alive. Find the pleasures that feed you.

Where do we go from here?

My plan is to keep exploring.

Which right now involves more getting quiet, more fun, more talking to my incoming selves even if they give me the same advice that I haven’t figured out how to follow yet. More practice following.

Whether that’s following clues, following instinct, following like in dance which is mostly about feeling and trusting and moving from the earth…

Let’s start from quieting, and from fun. And keep asking the question, keep being brave. What do I want?

A breath of thankfulness for the possibility of knowing that I can ask, even if the answers scare me, even if the silence scares me. It’s courageous to wonder and explore and care and keep on keeping on. A thousand points to us for playing.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Adjacent to the Joy Church

A breath of gratitude, why not just start there (if we can, when we can)

Thank you to everyone who has checked in on me, I appreciate the warm thoughts and the kindness.

I know the world is full of non-stop relentless stressors right now, and who can even keep track of all the scary things going on, so I really appreciate all the care that has been directed towards me while so much else is in a state of upheaval.

My town is still evacuated, going on two weeks now, though this might change soon. The fire is not contained but things do seem to be more under control on my road, and monsoon rains are coming, which is both good and less-good.

Praying for the positive healing effects of moisture without mudslides and flooding, and am just keeping watch from afar while also trying not to check the updates too often.

Thankful for everyone looking out for me, and for your good hearts. I feel loved and cared for and lucky.

A revealing time, a time for revealing

There were several themes I wanted to write about for us this week, but it feels like they are all still percolating, so what if I share with you some of the adventures I have had on the road while trying to distract myself from thinking about my road being on fire!

Maybe we will get to those themes or touch on them in a roundabout way, or maybe something else will be revealed instead.

There have been many wonderful small adventures, and many things have solved themselves without my input, which is my favorite miracle of all.

In the meantime, it seems that my structures are safe, my favorite tree friend is safe, and miracles abound, so I want to remember that there is plentiful good in my life, even if this is a scary and uncomfortable time.

A breath for the many wonderful adventures

A breath for the many wonderful adventures.

A library that was not a library and a farm that is not a farm, a church that is not a church, a problem that is not a problem.

A dog, a cat, a heart opening, a tree, a bridge, a pilgrimage, everything that solves itself, a clue and then another clue.

What a thing it is to be alive

What a thing it is to be alive.

The fires sent me here and I have had some beautiful moments of appreciating ALIVENESS, which is a good antidote to worrying about my home.

Aliveness is the answer, and the questions are maybe not as complicated as I thought they were.

Let’s rejoice in the clues.

A dog

I found a yoga class in a tiny town in Nevada, it takes place in an empty defunct library that looks abandoned. Everything about this seemed very unlikely, and yet there it was and there I was.

The doors and windows were open, and there was a lovely breeze.

The class came with a yoga dog; an affectionate, easy-going, twenty year old dog who circled the room before we started, napped through class and then came over to snuggle after shavasana.

A cat

I found myself at a tiny side of the road gas station in nowhere, Oregon, which was also a miracle because according to my phone there was no gas station to be found on my way unless I drove an hour out of my way.

The gas station came with three in-house cats, and one of them, Greta, took a liking to me so we hung out for a spell while I chatted with Dale, the owner of the place who moved out there in the early 90s.

You should be a cat owner, Dale told me, while I petted Greta and we communed over the countertop.

But probably the thing I have thought about most while fleeing the fires is that I am very glad I do not have to take care of anyone or anything other than myself.

Greta is seventeen, so it was a big week for meeting pet elders who were in good spirits with a calming presence, and maybe that is a clue for me too. Can I also be a source of calming presence?

A heart opening, part I

The yoga teacher in small town Nevada had done her training nearly twenty years ago with someone I took a three day workshop from even farther into the past than that. We bonded over that.

I liked how her class mirrored what I remembered of him, everything heart-centered and heart-centric, but not in a lip service way. A real TUNING IN to heart space. Moving from the heart, both physically and metaphorically. It felt like when you suddenly understand the truth behind a cliche.

Somewhere familiar that I have never been

Mainly thought it just felt so wonderful to be there, somewhere familiar that I have never been.

And I mean that about the class, and about hanging out in the depths of my own heartspace in that specific way.

And about having stumbled into something magical, seemingly by accident but not at all.

A heart opening, part II

In class, my new yoga teacher friend asked us to set an intention.

Lately in my own morning practice, my intention has been [I am powerful], but when I tried to say to myself, “I am powerful”, what came up instead was: I am joyful, and my heart is healed.

I am joyful and my heart is healed.

Let’s combine those: I am powerful. I am joyful. And my heart is healed.

Also, there is a lot of power within being joyful and knowing my heart is healing, so each of these answers the wish of the other ones.

Teardrop heart

She had us do this beautiful breathing exercise that I loved: a round teardrop breath, starting from third eye and inhaling down the right side to the heart center, exhaling back up the left side from heart to third eye.

I never really thought about how beautiful a teardrop shape is, and how it also mimics a heart shape but upside down.

And at the end of class, she gave us essential oil massage and did singing bowl stuff which usually I don’t like, but it was completely magical, and I really truly felt it in my heart: I AM A JOYFUL BEING AND MY HEART IS HEALING, HEALED, AND WHOLE.

And then after class, I saw that my ex had called me, so that was interesting.

Sweetness

Everyone in the class was so sweet, and they all hugged me and said they would pray for my house and that I need to come back on my way back from Oregon.

Everyone I have encountered has been so kind.

Miracles

My favorite tree is safe from the fires. I am on my way to make a pilgrimage to my favorite bridge. I went for a ninety minute walk down a dirt road and saw magnificent boulders.

Next week there is outdoor dancing and masked dancing and I will dance again for the first time in over five years, if it all works out, god willing, etc.

Everything is solving itself.

My friend whose parents mysteriously own a defunct llama farm put me up for a week in their guest house.

I have almost nothing with me but somehow I still have exactly what I need. What good fortune. What treasure.

It solves itself

I was worried about not having any warm clothing for this trip, because I left from my aunt’s place in Tucson where it was 112 degrees Fahrenheit (44 degrees Celsius), and all I had with me was yoga clothes.

But then I stayed with my friend Em in Sedona, and she gave me a sweatshirt and a warm flannel.

I was second-guessing myself about jewelry because right before I left my tiny house, I had a strong feeling that I should take my favorite earrings with me. But I didn’t because of the high heat and the long drive, and then when I found out about the evacuation orders, I was even more sad about not having earrings.

But then a friend had the perfect pair of earrings that they weren’t using, and now I am wearing them. It solved itself.

Warm clothes, earrings, animal friends, a spontaneous heart healing, a safe place to stay, what else can beautifully solve itself?

It’s easy if you do what you want

This is something Incoming Me always says when I ask for counsel, and I always bristle at it because a) I often hide from myself what I want, and b) it never seems easy, and c) there are so many conflicting factors.

But I think what they mean by this is that I need to stop over-complicating everything by trying to be overly accommodating. And instead I need to just get quiet and clear about what feels like a yes for me.

This is related to letting things solve themselves instead of trying to force solutions, but it is also related to staying attuned to heart space and letting myself have fun.

The Joy Church

On the way to where I was going, I passed a sign that said This Way To The Joy Church.

I still don’t know where or what the joy church is, but I like the idea of being joy church adjacent, I like the idea that there is a sanctuary of joy in my heart.

What if I’m not fleeing a fire and instead I am following joy?

What if my solstice wishes are not about recovery and healing like I think they are but actually about letting myself follow joy? Or, what if recovery and healing are served by following joy?!

What if some of the wisdom of STREAMLINED, the big theme of this trip so far, is actually about letting myself say yes to joy?

It’s a new day

My friend Marisa says:

It is a new day! Things are hard but we are so resilient! We will solve problems!

Yes. We will solve problems and we will let problems solve themselves.

Or can we let the problems not be problems in the same way that a library was not a library and a farm was not a farm? It might look like a problem but maybe it’s an adventure.

What else, speaking of solstice wishes?

I’ve been making so many wonderful friends on this road trip, so I want to keep being someone who just makes friends everywhere I go, what fun. It’s not really like me, since I generally keep to myself but I am enjoying it.

Joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing. And those in combination

Every pet owner I met thought I was a pet owner and thinks I should be one, but really I think I just need to be spiritually friends with a mountain lion or something.

The opposite of low regard. What is that? Higher standards? Raising the bar? Staying playful.

Something about cockiness

Someone I know but not very well said to me, about me:

”Seems like you are exactly where you want to be. That’s a big deal. Happiness is so sexy. You have this kinda cocky attitude happiness. I’m not sure I have seen that before in someone. I kinda like your I don’t need nothing from nobody vibe.”

So yeah, okay, I have joy and I have a spirit of adventure and I have warm clothes now. Let’s go, HOT COCKY COWPOKE HIGH REGARD SUMMER.

More importantly, I have some hope. Maybe that is also a form of cockiness, I’m not sure. It feels very new but I am liking it.

What else is like that?

Keeping the faith.

Another yoga teacher friend said: “Faith and optimism are great to have right now”

I’ve got plenty of both to go around right now. Usually I don’t but for whatever reason, I do right now. Maybe that is also related to the solstice wishes, to staying rooted in gratitude, to bravery.

I AM A JOYFUL BEING AND MY HEART IS HEALING AND WHOLE. Holding this for and with you too.

In the dream

In the dream, my car did a complete flip in the air and returned to upright, and I was okay but my car was not, and a mother and her son stopped to check on me and invited me to stay with them.

Something about how everything is tumult and turmoil and yet things keep working out somehow. People are so kind. We connect in mysterious ways and share joy or moments of joy, a spark of magic, that oomph of ALIVENESS that is so hard to describe or qualify.

It wasn’t a bad dream or a good dream, it was just mirroring how everything feels lately. A little chaotic, a little magical. Can I stay rooted in gratitude within the chaos, and keep tuning into heart space and hope?

Maybe that is my solstice wish too. Let’s keep practicing and playing and checking on each other. Here’s to the glow sparks of good things coming.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

The Scale of Aversion and a bridge of bridges

Just some background stuff

In my world:
I had to evacuate due to fire so a) my mind is a little all over the place, b) I am also all over the place, c) please think good thoughts for my sweet home and beloved tree friends, and if you want to light an imaginary candle or plant an imaginary tree of good luck and safety, that’s welcome too.

In our world:
I know we are all going through it right now, for a variety of reasons, and there is no shortage of scary stuff going on, geopolitical and local and in all ways.

Fluent self, fluent world, ideally

I know it’s hard to focus on anything right now, with all the scary situations. And maybe it seems frivolous to be focusing on internal work.

And yet…

In my experience, playing and working with self-fluency supports our ability to exist in the world with more stability, to hold steady, and to be a glowing source of good energy for the world and for people and situations we encounter.

So we are turning inward and playing, in the interest of curiosity, and also to support the greater good in a way that may seem small in the moment but is still meaningful in a fractal way. Let’s explore.

Time to do what’s indicated

It’s time to do what is indicated, which for me involves getting on the road and being a cowboy on the move, but it mostly involves breathing, doing grounding practices, turning inward, tuning in, paying attention, accessing tenderness.

Today I am sharing some notes from a little coaching call I did related to last week’s experiments in emptying….

Big thanks to Darcy for being courageous and open-minded and playing with me on this one, and for letting me share our fun processing experiment here.

The situation

Our friend Darcy was feeling some feelings about EMPTYING, both in relation to some Emptying Meditations someone had recommended she listen to, and to emptying things from her home.

With her permission, I’m sharing notes from our mini-session so that you can replicate this on your own at home if you like, inserting whatever word is bringing up stuff for you.

H is me and D is our friend.

The Scale of Aversion

The first thing I like to do in a situation with this is to check in on the Scale of Aversion / Disinclination / No Thank You. In other words…

Havi: Okay, so imaginary scale! How much do you think you resist the word or the idea/concept that is stressful or not working, on a scale of one to ten…

Darcy: Medium? Probably not that bad, maybe a 5, in the in-between. Maybe some aspects are really uncomfortable, and in some context emptying gives me the willies, but also in other contexts the idea of emptying feels really good and appealing.

Useful

H: What do you think would be useful to you about being okay or more okay with EMPTYING, whether that’s being able to listen to the meditations, or not needing them at all, or emptying in other forms…?

D: I honestly wouldn’t mind if I were pro-emptying in that way, whatever my beef with emptying is probably isn’t happening at a conscious level, it’s more like there’s an internal hitting the breaks, I listened to first ten seconds of the meditation and was like NO THANK YOU, I’m not doing this, and can’t tell you why…

Acknowledgment & Legitimacy

For me a huge part of self-fluency is practicing Acknowledgment & Legitimacy, over and over again. It is okay for us to be where we are. It makes sense that we are feeling what we’re feeling.

Completely reasonable to have aversion to emptying, or to a meditation on emptiness!

So I always like to just pause here and take a breath for Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.

We name what’s going on, we make space for it to be what it is in this moment. A safe space to experience what we are experiencing, nothing is wrong with how we are experiencing it…

Memory, insight, spaciousness

D: I remember now what he said in the meditation: “listen to everything going on around you”, it was probably just birds and a train whistle but i didn’t want to be hyper-aware of my surroundings…

Insight! We love this.

We take a breath of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy for this too. Not wanting to be hyper-aware of surroundings, not wanting to be aware of aspects of our surroundings that are upsetting. So reasonable, so understandable.

We also sent up a little prayer for the kids playing loud sports and the old-timers on loud seated lawnmowers to choose a different path, a quieter path, to take up a new fun quiet hobby, or to relocate their noise to a different location…

It couldn’t hurt. Meanwhile we are just naming what we are noticing about how we feel and how we are reacting, and making space for that.

Six hums

I wrote about this humming exercise the other week, but the basic idea is that it’s sort of a resonance exercise.

You block your ears with your thumbs and then press fingers between the brows, or cover your eyes if you like, and you take a lovely breath and HUM.

We did six slow hums, and then sat quietly just breathing to notice what that experience felt like.

D: Oh, I have my own personal private white noise machine that is in my head that I didn’t know existed! I was unaware that I could do this! That was so cool! And it is interesting that we were just talking about emptying because it did have an emptying effect on me, it basically filled the space that thoughts would normally chase each around in, the humming crowds everything else out!

Naming the negative associations with the word

What are the negative associations with emptying?

(I wrote about my own negative associations with emptying last week if you want to read that.)

D: I think the highest consciousness brain level of it is if I’m thinking about emptying my house and getting rid of things, and there’s a moment of panic like what if you need these items later, or regret it or you can’t replace them? It feels like anxiety about LACK and not having access, or a perceived future lack.

What does this remind us of?

H: What does this remind you of? Or, is there an image or association that comes up when you think about that?

D: This might sound silly but the only thing I really deeply regret getting rid of was an orange mini skirt with black fringe, it symbolized dance and fun and going out, and I wish I still had it even though I wouldn’t wear it now.

Naming the positive associations

When does emptying feel good or appealing or enticing? Or what are you reminded of?

D: An example of emptying that went great is I had a jewelry chest that belonged to my mom, and I hated it and it was not my style, but it was where I kept my jewelry, but finally I knew it needed to leave, and every single I walked into that room after it was gone, I felt relieved, for months, and even though I still don’t have a good place to put my jewelry, it’s fine, I’m just glad that jewelry chest is gone.

What is the bridge?

H: What is the bridge? Or: how do we get from one to another, from the place of Anxiety About Lack to that feeling of spaciousness and freedom you just described?
D: I visually see a very long bridge that you just walk over and it’s easy to recognize that you are walking to the beautiful place, that’s where the emptiness is that makes me happy

H: And do you need anything to help you cross the bridge or take it somewhere?
D: No, its like gliding. Like a people mover at the airport, It’s just walking me across.

What is needed, if anything

H: Is anything needed here?
D: I’m going to put a statue of the skirt at the outset of the bridge and a statue of a shelf of empty space at the other end…

H: I love this imagery because of the spaciousness in it! It feels like if you were missing the skirt you could just walk across and visit the skirt statue and say hi.

D: Yes! I have access to the spirit of the skirt even if the skirt is long gone!

What else is the bridge for

H: So now you can be people-moved across the bridge to the side of freedom, what else is the bridge for? Or is there anything else you need from it?

D: I love this bridge and can see how I can use it for clearing out my sewing room, because there’s glorious emptiness on the other side. It’s almost like you can’t take a bunch of stuff over this bridge, it’s not very wide. You can’t be carrying cartloads of crap; you need to be your unencumbered self just sailing over this space.

Messages

H: Is there any message the bridge has for you?
D: It’s saying, Come on!!!! Like a welcoming beckoning! That makes me so happy. Now I have a little mantra and a visualization to tune into when I’m getting ready to do some emptying.

A winding down

We did another six HUMMING breaths with ears and eyes blocked.

And on the last hum, I saw her bridge, clear as day. A beautiful vision.

We checked in again with the Scale of Aversion to see if D was still at a 5 or if something had shifted.

D: Yes, I feel like I’m at HELL YES LETS EMPTY! Ready to just glide along that!!!

A checking in

We checked in the next day and D said:

Thank you!!! That was great! I feel so happy now! 🙂

I know you already said and realized this, but the idea that I can go both ways over the bridge is so freeing! I can visit the things I release with my mind, and that’s enough!

A breath of relief, what a beautiful thing

I hope you enjoyed living vicariously through this beautiful and inspiring shift through the experience of reading it, and I hope it sparks new experiments for you that can facilitate shifts of your own.

Or maybe there is nothing that needs to be done and you are doing great!

A breath for the idea that just reading this was enough, and the fractal work is already happening for you beneath the surface, on multiple levels.

Here’s to that too, here’s to possibility and all the good things that are possible.

Any moments of relief and sweetness: this is what matters

I am happy for any moments of relief and sweetness in these hard, overwhelming, scary and challenging times.

Let’s hum our way through this together and keep dissolving little bits of stuck, for ourselves and to support each other and our world.

Making space, inside and out, in community, for the collective, supporting our inner selves and the miracles.

Rooted in gratitude

I am being asked by my own current situation* to really deep-dive into Compassionate Detachment.

* My own current situation being that my road was evacuated due to fire, I wasn’t able to take anything with me because I wasn’t there when this happened, not knowing if I will lose my beloved home and everything I own, too close to call!

And to stay rooted in gratitude, as I meet my fear, a fear that is very close to home, literally and figuratively.

Rooted in gratitude: I am physically safe, I am alive, I have somewhere to go, there is no one I need to take care of other than myself, I am blessed with kind, loving friends who are checking on me every day. The rest is not in my hands.

The rest is not in my hands

It’s out of my hands.

That is another form of emptying, right?

Something else to practice, and sit with.

The rigging of my ship

These are perhaps bigger and more complex topics for another time, but I am inviting us (and myself) to stay curious and receptive to these qualities and practices.

Things can be scary and hard (and they are!), and also I can call on this grounding, centering center of rooted in gratitude.

Rooted in gratitude is the rigging of my ship. This is how I return again and again into my thank-you heart.

A breath for this, and for how brave it is to keep practicing. We are allowed to be scared. And we keep practicing. Let’s keep practicing.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️