A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

THE ELK ON THE PATH

Ultimate

Driving down a dark and winding mountain road, I came around a bend and in front of me stood the elk.

I have seen elk before, but really only as a blur. They are massive, powerful creatures, and they move so fast that it’s almost as if you sense them more than see them.

Something flashes before you on the road, and you think, well that was a freebie. Alive.

Safe and well. The ultimate that-was-a-freebie.

Once

Once, standing in my kitchen, I heard a reverberation that reminded me of thunder, but also of an earthquake.

Turning to its source, I saw or perceived a blur of large motion as it whooshed past my front porch.

And then, turning my head back to the window, I recognized the majestic elk, disappearing into the forested hills, having vaulted over my gate like it was nothing at all. All grace and speed.

Blessed by a swift visitor. Later I read that they can jump up to eight feet in the air vertically. I believe that, though can’t imagine how they measure it.

This was the opposite of that. This elk was motionless. This elk was standing his ground.

Here is what I remember

Here is what I remember:

My foot on the brake, trying to slow to a stop before reaching the elk. The elk not moving.

A certain moment in which I understood, or maybe we both understood, that I was not going to be able to stop in time.

And the moment of realization that the elk was not going to move from the path.

That collision was inevitable. Nothing to be done but meet.

Receiving

And then we both just sort of received the slow collision.

You could say that we softened into collision.

I don’t really know how to describe the collision because I don’t remember anything about what it felt like.

The part that is clear in my mind is that I saw the elk fold to the ground like origami. Then it bounced right back up and vanished into the ravine, as if it had been a figment.

Lights, breath, action

My body seemed to be in working order, my car seemed to be functioning as well.

I did not feel brave enough to venture out to look at it, but the lights were still on and all systems were go, and so I drove home, aware of the many miracles.

The many miracles

There are easily a hundred different ways that an elk collision on a dark winding mountain road with sheer drops into a ravine could have either killed me or totaled the car, or both.

I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky to not be experiencing pain.

Similarly I am glad and relieved the elk seemed to move easily and lightly as it disappeared into the darkness.

And my car feels good to drive.

The next day I gathered all possible courage to take a look. The headlight casing is broken, some cosmetic damage, a lot of elk hair. One part will be expensive to replace, but I am lighting a candle to support my hope that my mechanic will give me only good news about everything else, amen.

Mr Carr’s thoughts on cars

The person who taught me how to drive was Mr Carr, which is an amusingly apt name for a Drivers Ed teacher.

He was a kind and thoughtful teacher, who noticed things, and would lend me books about topics he thought I would like (people living off-grid in New Hampshire, I think, is the one I remember most), and I was lucky then too.

I was an anxious driver, worried about everything. And Mr Carr pointed out, correctly, that you cannot possibly prepare for every scenario. And also that you can train for many of them.

You cannot, for example, do much, if a plane suddenly crash-lands on the freeway while you’re driving. Some things are beyond your control.

Some things, many things

Some things are out of your control. Many things, probably.

Other elements, like paying attention, gathering information, training yourself to react calmly, getting to know your instincts, can be trained for, or finessed, over time.

Attentiveness is a form of training. Breath is a form of training.

We trained for this

We trained for this. It is good and useful to train.

And also, shit happens.

More specifically, shit happens that really challenges all your training. So part of the training is knowing and remembering that you will get waylaid.

Path medicine

My friend Cate said:

Elk is the medicine of stamina. Pace yourself to maintain stamina.

So there is the medicine of stamina, there is the medicine of the path and what is in it, there is the medicine of [you cannot prepare for everything and also you can train for many things].

Naming the medicine

There is the medicine of surrender and receiving the collision.

There is the medicine of miracles. There is the medicine of shit happens.

There is the medicine of colliding. I am still learning about this.

Quiet

Things have felt very quiet since the collision.

I am sleeping again. And doing brave things, even though I don’t want to.

Some days I feel floaty and unfocused, like my nervous system can’t remember how to sequence things.

Other days I feel remarkably focused, as if all the noise has disappeared.

Either way, I am slow-moving these days, but moving slowly feels indicated, so I am going to trust that path.

Attuning to the truth of things

In the morning guided meditation I listen to sometimes, they say, you cannot control everything, you do not control everything.

I am trying to stay attuned to the truth of this, while I continue to train.

How can I react with grace to what is in front of me on the path? How can I be more compassionate with myself in moments or situations when I am questioning my reactions.

That’s also part of the training, and the medicine, apparently.

Fifteen minutes

I have been setting fifteen minute timers for Bravery Ops, reminding myself that fifteen minutes is a container of time to experiment.

When I don’t want to be brave, which is often, I look at these words that I wrote on a card:

Guess what, I am so fucking brave, and I only have to be this brave for fifteen minutes, and nothing scares me because I calmly experienced a collision with a massive elk who could have destroyed me and my car, but I emerged unscathed, and if I got that lucky, I can also be this brave right now.

And then it’s one step and another step. Sometimes renaming the steps so they don’t seem as daunting, sometimes doing alignment, sometimes breaking things down into even smaller steps.

Quests versus locations

I have been sitting with this incredible sentence from PJ Vogt, from the Search Engine podcast:

“The real questions that haunt me don’t tend to be resolvable; they aren’t quests you get to go on, they’re places you just have to live for a while.”

This is interesting to me because right now all my questions feel like quests. But what if they are locations, and I just need to spend time in them…

Considering, for example

My questions have to do with, for example…

I am considering what the elk who wouldn’t move from the path was trying to tell me, if anything.

Or what it tells me that I didn’t freak out and just kept my foot on brake and stayed the course and we just both received the collision. I could have swerved either way, but I did not, which is fortunate on a steep mountainside.

I am considering questions that have to do with trust and vibes and right timing.

Resetting

Since the collision, I have been sleeping much better and also not thinking about the mysteries of heartbreak, so I am trying to imagine or at least pretend that this elk collision was a sort of cosmic resetting that solves and resolves.

I have questions about this too. I have questions about what it means that I am so slow-moving these days, and if that is a good thing. I have questions about We Trained For This.

But also I think PJ is right, and I need to stop focusing on clues and quests, and receive the reality of this moment, hang out here for a while.

It’s either a cosmic resetting or it’s not, but either way, my next steps are the same.

But either way my next steps are the same

Yoga, meditation, journaling, snacks, deep self-treasuring, gentle recovery, go see my country mechanic who adores me, get hugs from the best chiropractor, get back in the saddle, let the elk medicine be absorbed.

Those are my next steps, yours may vary. Everyone is different and needs different things. I bet you have some good clues to follow.

It is interesting and comforting to me though to realize that I don’t need to adjust my next steps very much.

We do the things that help. Sometimes it gets sticky because the vibes aren’t right, or it feels like something is missing. Okay, into the wishing cauldron it goes. May a lovely, simple, elegant solution arise to this too.

A candle for this.

A candle for this

A candle for all the miracles that have been, a candle for miracles incoming. May we have many more opportunities to exhale, fill up on gratitude, and say, “Wow, that was a freebie”.

You are welcome to leave pebbles or light imaginary candles in the comments, and I will also gladly take all well-wishes! Also any clues you might have or fun theories you want to spin about the medicine or meaning of an elk encounter are welcome too.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Protest time: Hands Off!

If you’re in the United States and want to join a protest this weekend, here’s where to find one near you!

Strength in numbers. Let’s do this.

The elusive Havicorn (and other dreamscapes)

Where is the ground, asking for a friend

If we are ranking lyrics in breakup songs by the most heartbreaking — and most accurate gems of poetry-wisdom, it’s a tie for me.

My first pick is the line in It’s All Over Now Baby Blue about how your lover who just walked out the door has taken all his blankets from the floor, the carpet too is moving under you (and it’s all over now, baby blue).

That really is how it feels.

It’s not just that they left, it’s not just that they took with them the physical pieces that had formed your shared experience and a world of memories; it’s that the floor itself is moving under you. All stability is gone.

You are here (ungrounded, hurtling)

There is no ground, only hurtling. You are hurtling.

That’s what indicates that it’s over. There’s no footing to be had.

The rug was pulled out from under you, but also the floor itself, and also the foundational foundations, or what felt like grounded grounding ground.

When is that part over though? I don’t know.

You are here, baby blue. You are here, but the here is moving. Okay, so that’s a starting point.

It’s coming down again

I never fully appreciated the song Kshezeh Amok (When It’s Deep), by Corinne Allal, whom we lost this past year, a heartbreak of its own. I always loved the chorus though.

The chorus wrecks me, always, but on reflection, I think I just didn’t have enough appreciation for how the song quietly and steadily sets up that experience of nostalgic wreckage. And then wrecks you.

Here’s an off-the-cuff translation from the Hebrew of the verse that comes before [the chorus that wrecks you], I can’t do it justice but hope it works:

When it’s deep
it’s as if the wind is carrying you off to foreign places
when it’s deep
snowfalls of anger in a moment melt away


what is hiding within that sweet second
when it’s deep you know
what’s left in the end is just the silence
when he’s far away you’re alone

Are you ready to be wrecked?

Or maybe you are in a very different heart-space than I am, so maybe it won’t wreck you, poetically speaking, but if you are familiar with the depths of heart-hurting, here you go, here’s the chorus:

AND A MEMORY THAT IS FADING WITHIN THE HEART HURTS,
AND INSIDE YOU THE SNOW IS COMING DOWN AGAIN

Or you could say, a memory that is fading within THE HURTING HEART hurts.

Of course it does. The heart hurts, and the memory, and the fading. All of it.

It hurts so much. And the snow is coming down again.

Then / now / now

There was someone whose presence was so warm and grace-filled that the internal snowdrifts simply had no chance. Everything melted in the proximity of their love.

Except they went away, and took it away (their love, but also that seemingly magical ability to melt away all those snowdrifts of accumulated hurt and anger from your past).

And now it’s fucking snowing again, and here you are, and it’s just going to keep coming down and accumulating forever? That can’t be right. But it feels accurate.

Or at least that’s how it feels

I have been talking this out a lot, with my friends, with the tree friends and the pasture, with my imaginary therapist.

Thinking about various grief forms, not only of the heartbreak flavor, but all the hurting heart moments related to missing someone who is gone. Whether because they are dead, or they mysteriously disappeared from your life, or they stopped loving you, or circumstances shifted, or the many mysteries of human connection, who knows.

And obviously I know what wise me would say, or my therapist. That you can’t let someone else be in charge of being your snowfall-melter.

Interrelated circles of glow power

It’s lovely when someone can glow like that for you, and: realistically you have to be the one who trusts in your own glow-power, in your own healing properties and processes.

Community is a blessing, and we lean on support from friends where we can, absolutely, what a gift.

And, also, we gotta do whatever helps us keep cultivating that sweet tenderness towards self so that we are not lost when alone.

Cultivate, a verb that is both active and patient

You cultivate your relationship to yourself and your relationship to the [piles of snow, snowfalls of anger, or whatever they are for you], because that’s the only part you have any say in.

I do love the word cultivate. Love a verb that is both active (I am doing this thing intentionally) and passive (the seeds have been planted, now I just sing to the future powers, I’m playing the long game.)

And that advice or counsel is not wrong; cultivation of the parts you have control over is a very wise approach, it’s just that it’s not enough when everything hurts.

Some wise words

Here is something a friend of mine texted me that helped this week:

I once read about breakups being like losing a part of your memory, so there is sadness but it is compounded by disorientation and a strong seeking impulse that is really painful. So yeah this all makes sense.

It all makes sense. Disorientation. Seeking something that isn’t. Destabilized. It’s snowing again in my heart.

Snowing again in my heart

It’s snowing again in my heart and also someone took all the blankets. Memory not working. Looking for warmth, but it has to be the right kind. There is a sense memory but it is faded, and my heart hurts.

Sometimes it helps too for someone else to say: THIS ALL MAKES SENSE.

So if you need someone to say that, let me and my friend say it here.

This all makes sense. It sucks and it makes sense.

The dream

I had a really lovely dream last week about my beloved chef friend who died last year, and I was so happy when I was in the dream, and then so sad when I woke up.

Sad, grateful for the gift of that dream time. I miss him so much.

In the dream he had this sweet little pop-up restaurant with a patio, only open a couple days a week. And he had also just published a cookbook and was soooo happy, just elated, it was so great.

I have never felt so thrilled for someone.

Everything goes together

I had stopped by early afternoon before it was officially open with a couple friends, and he was showing us around his new space

The pop-up kitchen only had four dishes, which was part of the plan (simplicity, everything goes together), and they were all fantastic, and I wish I could remember literally anything about that part

The main thing I remember is a giant vat of this incredibly delicious, completely addictive popcorn…

Popcorn

I told him that I was going to need the recipe for the popcorn spice blend he was using, and he said actually he’d invented this flavor based on our conversations, and he called it Havicorn. A nod to my inclination to be a Flavor Maximalist.

He said the recipe was in the book, and that I should take the book to the nearby park with a bag of the popcorn and read it there.

And that was the dream.

Like happy goats

It was just a sweet, simple, lighthearted good-mood dream, almost child-like in a way?

By which I mean that it reminds me of dreams I had as a very small child that were just experiences of happy moments, like frolicking in a field with goats who all knew my name.

To be free, to be known, to thrive. And to be friends with goats. What else could you want?

I was very honored, both in the dream and in real life, to have taken part in inspiring a popcorn flavor. What a thing to have done in this world, or in any world.

What treasure, baby blue

And I’m not sure why my subconscious or the universe or whatever found that detail important but it made me smile. There was a giant vat of delicious popcorn! Havicorn!

My brilliant, talented, creative, one-of-a-kind sweet friend made popcorn in part because of me, what treasure. Even if it only happened in a dream universe.

Except then I woke up into a full on panic episode, which is the part of grieving where it feels like someone took their blankets from the floor, and now the carpet too is moving under you. It’s all over now, baby blue.

What does the popcorn taste like though

I don’t know. I am going to have to experiment. And everyone I could have a really good conversation about this with (my friend, my mom, my ex) is gone from my life.

Another friend said: Oh man, what a beautiful dream! Havicorn! I want to know what it tasted like and what all the food was, sounds like heaven, I don’t think I ever wanted to escape into someone else’s dream before, but it sounds so lovely.

It really was lovely. And now it’s a memory that’s fading in the hurting heart, and it’s snowing.

Boring, so boring

My friend the Vicar and I talk quite a bit about how grief and heartbreak are just so fucking boring, like the process is boring, and still being in it is boring, and that moment of [suddenly gutted again out of nowhere] is so miserable but somehow also boring.

You’re making progress. You are.

You know that you are, both because sometimes you can tell, and sometimes you find the ground faster than you did the last time, and occasionally you can even laugh about it. But yes, the process is somehow both ridiculous and excruciatingly tedious.

A forever gut punch but also different each time. That’s also a form of progress and also I don’t like it.

What do we do with all this?

We cultivate and tend, remembering that a lot of cultivation is about hope, waiting, and singing to the seeds.

We make art and we make popcorn.

We rank sad songs and laugh about that a little.

We talk to people who get it, if we are lucky to have that. Or we talk to Incoming Selves, or Slightly Wiser You or a good imaginary therapist, or someone you think has wise thoughts. Journal it out, walk it out, dance it out, keep it moving.

Human, the most human

Grief is this shared human experience but we don’t talk about it a lot with each other, maybe because it feels so personal, or maybe because if we paused to really acknowledge how much grief tears us up, how would anything function? I do not know.

I walk circles in the pasture and cry over lost love, over missing my mom, over all the questions I can’t ask people who are gone, over dog friends who are gone, over how hard it is to wake up from a dream.

And I spend a lot of time thinking about what is a good SMOPL – Something Meaningful On a Personal Level, a ritual or an activity or an experiment or a moment.

Something that honors the person or the relationship or the dream or the past wish that was, and also honors this ongoing phase of singing to the seeds. Love, courage, strength, miracles.

Love, courage, strength, miracles

Love, courage, strength, miracles. Channeling the wild courage to be able to hope for something new, beautiful, meaningful, something better.

The daily work of cultivating, tending, checking in, nourishing, noticing, adding more compassion. It takes so much patience. And often it is not fun. But a thousand points to us for doing any of it, for keeping on keeping on.

Elusive

I am laughing a little bit about how the popcorn named for me is elusive, like a unicorn. Unicorn popcorn. Havicorn. Maybe that was an element of the name too. This popcorn came into existence, and you helped bring it to life but you can’t find it.

Maybe the way I can meet this sensation of [everything is elusive] is through being as playful as I can be inside of a dream.

If my unconscious can come up with a flavor of popcorn that deserves a remarkable name and a vat of it in a chef restaurant, then it can also come up with new forms of heart-healing that I haven’t encountered yet.

Or I can follow the clues to get to them.

Pebbles

Leave a pebble in the comments (o) to say you were here, and if you want to drop any wishes of your own (heart-related or otherwise), please do. Or you can name anything you noticed that came up for you.

I hope the hurting parts of your heart are being comforted by the resilient and nurturing parts of your heart, and that you are going to join me in making popcorn (or substitute anything for popcorn), while the snow falls, trusting in the glow powers that you are cultivating.

Here’s to peace within, and when peace within is elusive, as it often is, here’s to adding even more compassion to tide us over until it reappears.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Hurtling & Wishing

Devotion

I wrote this on a piece of paper, recently, as a reminder:

devotion to calm steady focus
& deliberate thriving

Calm, steady focus towards deliberate thriving. Calm, steady focus in service of deliberate thriving.

And always as a devotion. Devotion as the foundational element.

It is not just the calm, the steadiness or the focus, but the devotion to these qualities, the devotion to staying deliberate and thriving.

What do I know about devotion?

Sometimes the piece of paper lives on my desk and sometimes it is perched in front of my yoga rug, and sometimes it waits for me by my bed; a circulating reminder about what is important to me, right now.

Sometimes I whisper this wish-phrase to myself, while jogging, while circle-walking, while cooking…

What do I know about devotion? What do I know about this particular devotion?

And, a related question that offers up even more questions:

What are the devotional practices (for me, right now), and, a harder question, how do I stay attuned to the remembering?

What’s working, devotionally speaking?

Or really just in general…

To be clear, I don’t know if it’s even accurate that everything that is working for me right now is a devotion…

But I must say, I like how that hypothesis feels as it wanders the corridors of my mind.

So I would like to keep imagining or operating under the assumption that if it’s working for me right now, it’s also probably a form of devotion to deliberate thriving.

And I would like to stay receptive to new forms of devotion to deliberate thriving; to meeting and discovering or revealing what would bring me pleasure and meaning in this next phase of time.

Here is what’s working for me right now…

Walking circles in the pasture once a day — or twice if that is indicated, whether that’s due to gorgeous weather or just extra anxiety. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Cooking, especially if I can get into a good rhythm or a good obsession with a recipe, a dish, an experiment. Sometimes I really enjoy the puzzle-solving aspect of figuring out what to do with a surprise abundance of [something], like with the apples that became applesauce that became cake, though currently that something is acorn squash…

Hiking and exploring, especially if I get to do it with a friend.

Wish-writing as a form of journaling.

Languages (I’m back on Arabic, and also Spanish).

Gentle yoga before bed.

Are all of these devotions? I think they are. Even if I don’t always remember that they are. I am open to perceiving and experiencing these as devotional practices.

Into the cauldron of what am I wishing for

If I channel (or imagine, conjure up through imagining) a wishing cauldron to hold my wishes for this three month container of time between vernal equinox and summer solstice…

Let’s begin with qualities, feelings, sensations, superpowers, a pull. Show me what I am pulled towards, reveal my wishing.

I am wishing for…

CALM STEADY FOCUS & DELIBERATE THRIVING
Working with what is (with love)
Powerfully Motivated Yet Deliciously Unhurried
Grounded Enthusiasm
I love myself more! And even more than that! Extreme self-treasuring!
Feeling at home in myself, in a good way
Playful & Lighthearted
Compassion compassion compassion compassion
Simple elegant solutions (It Solves Itself)
Attuned to miracles (this is also about slowing down enough to notice and appreciate them)

Revisiting the cauldron of It Solves Itself:

There are many situations right now that I wish would solve themselves or offer up their own solutions, so let’s look at what has already solved itself, in the last three months between winter solstice and vernal equinox…

I wished for a way to go for a daily walk without having to drive to a hiking trail, and someone mowed a circle in my pasture for me, which is how I discovered that I actually like circle-walking, not just as an alternative to hiking a trail, but as its own activity.

Also I have been wishing for a kitchen fan in my tiny trailer for nearly five years now, but no one could figure out how to install one, and someone did! Game-changer.

And I wished for a solution to wifi needs that didn’t involve going to the library, and that too solved itself.

There are probably many more items to name in this category, but those are three examples of things that were big stuck mysteries at winter solstice, and are now beautifully resolved.

Let this be a lovely reminder

Let this be a reminder (to me) that things can change for the better, mysteriously and swiftly, and I don’t need to know how it’s going to happen.

Into the cauldron of IT SOLVES ITSELF, here are my wishes…

A hiking companion or companions who can be good company in exploring.
More meaningful pleasurable time with people.
New favorite places to wander.
A bathroom fan solution that is as easy as the kitchen fan turned out to be.
A way to evict the mice who are living in the barn that does not involve having to feed cats?
At least one glorious new obsession, but the more the merrier.
Good sleep and feeling rested.
A solution to the many mysteries including [Shed, Beta, Group Hang, Reliable Handy-person?????, Curtains, Mini-Split, Summer].
Ideas about a garden.
Someone or many someones I can talk to and strategize with locally.
Suddenly, without even necessarily noticing, a heart-healing has transpired.
To find and see and perceive (and celebrate!) the good wherever I can find it.

What can I do to support these wishes?

I can keep learning more about my current yeses, and keep putting love, energy, attention, and focus into the cauldron of these yeses.

And I can keep tending to the ongoing experiments, figuring out how to take exquisite care of myself in these scary, tough, challenging times in the world, and stay attuned to my values and the mission.

Mainly I can keep reminding myself that this form of And Three Months Later… is actually very powerful, that a lot can shift in a three month period, and my job here is to observe, experiment, trust, play, and keep trying things.

When hurtling

Here is the primary theme or question I am concerned with right now.

How do I go through this experience like someone who loves themselves more instead of like someone who is hurtling through the abyss…

Or: if I’m hurtling through the abyss or I perceive that I’m hurtling through the abyss, how do I love myself through the hurtling?

When hurtling: break glass (love myself more through the hurtling).

How am I

A friend asked how I am today, and in the interest of staying honest, I responded that I am doing my level best in true cowboy spirit. And also that I am trying to stay attuned to what is working. I want to make sure I notice all the good, all the ways that things are solving themselves, all the treasure.

And, at the same time, yes, I am also still feeling lonely, sad, angry, hurt, anxious, worried, tired, overwhelmed, drained, grieving, a bit in shock too. In tumult, ongoing, perceptions of.

Hurtling through the abyss. Some days more than others, some days less. All while trying to love myself more and describe the experience. And to reduce chaos and overwhelm in any way I can.

Into the cauldron of what are my current yeses

Companionship.
Pleasure.
Playfulness.
Inspiration.
Steadiness.
Ease.
Miracles.
Thriving.

A compass of yeses. Obviously for now the companionship might take the form of me and Incoming Selves, me and aspects of self. I am just naming the wish.

And of course, all this within a circle of devotion: calm, steady focus on deliberate thriving.

What is here for me now

I have been mulling over my various equinox wishes, which is also a form of devotion, of attunement and listening.

There are some good clues for me here. Something about slowing down even more to notice. Staying unhurried, while still focused and motivated. Welcoming pleasure. Welcoming aliveness. Taking some risks.

Staying with the steadying practices, and also trying new things.

Inviting in a good obsession. Noticing what has already solved itself. Each day things are solving themselves, sometimes this is a slow process and sometimes it is accelerated.

Noticing what pulls me out of myself. Noticing where I get hurt. Remembering the wise words about “be very careful when it comes to who you give the power to offend you”, or in other words, is this someone whose opinions you cherish? No? Then you can toss their words onto the compost.

What is indicated? What are the next steps?

My focus as always is on the nature of the experiment.

The point of a wish is not to get the wish. Sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t. The point of the wish is to learn about my yeses, to be real and vulnerable about my wants, to allow myself to want what I want.

All of these can be hard. All of these can be a practice in courage. And is that not also a form of devotion?

If I can approach with the mindset of [what a beautiful experiment], then I can let myself make room for the wanting, and make room for the fear around the wanting. I can tweak the experiment in a thousand different ways. Compassion compassion compassion compassion. And play.

Attuning myself

What does it look like to stay playful while wishing?

Everything is a clue. Some clues are fun, some clues are intriguing, others are merely useful, but still, a clue is a clue.

*If I think it says something mean about me, that’s not a clue, that’s just monsters of self-criticism. In that case, the clue is Add Compassion.

It is courageous and beautiful to name wishes. It can also stir up a lot of stuff. Sometimes it might be easier to play with a proxy wish, or a wish that is made-up entirely. This is why I am going to pretend that the next three months are about salsa. (The food? The dance? Sure!)

I am going to investigate that wish, and see what it has to say about my other wishes, and go from there. Possibly it is a wish about pep, and possibly it is a wish about grounded footing, either way it’s about playfulness, so that is both my starting point and my end point. Let’s play. As a form of keep on keeping on.

Add any wishes or clues of your own if you like, and I will light a candle for your wishes too!

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️