What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

Obsessed with congruence, obsessed with gleaming

a very huggable tree that I hugged last week, with many arms, on a vibrant blue sky day

Reflecting on this very huggable tree that I met (and hugged) last week on a hike, and being rooted in loving-kindness


A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Obsessed with congruence

MMA, not the kind you think

I make a notation in my notebook each morning.

MMA makes it looks like I’m doing mixed martial arts, which would be rad.

But it actually stands for Mild Morning Anxiety, which is sometimes a win, aka not having excruciating morning anxiety for hours, or even a bout of run of the mill anxiety when I wake up.

Though lately it has been more of a frustration to note my Mild Morning Anxiety.

ZERO

I keep having a good solid round of five or six days of ZERO, which is both my preferred amount of anxiety, and favorite triumphant morning notation.

ZERO! NONE! THE BEST!

Yes please, that’s what I want. More of that.

It feels like things are trending in that direction, maybe the ZERO will become the new normal, and I won’t even need to write it down.

And then MMA will start back up again. Here we are. Okay. Here we are.

You are here

Signpost:

You are here. In mild morning anxiety.

Okay, at least we know where we are.

When will my beloved ZERO return to me from the war?

I have been in a state of ZERO and it is delicious.

And some days we have MMA. That’s just how it is right now.

When will my beloved ZERO return to me from the war?????? I am waiting for it longingly.

In the meantime, yes, noting it. The signpost of you are here, right now, for the moment.

For the present moment. Not forever. Just right now.

A breath for that.

Countering

So far the best ways to counter the MMA, for me, seem to be some combination of gentle yoga before bed, not reading news, taking my supplements, doing the calming techniques, and jogging or circle-walking to disperse the anxiety energy.

And, moment by moment, continuing to practice not being impressed.

“Okay, we’re back on Mild Morning Anxiety, it happens, it’s temporary and of this moment, I don’t have to like it, it’s just where we are right now. I am noticing my anxiety, making room for it to move through me and exit my body, practicing Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.”

We are where we are where we are. Present with what is, not impressed by the anxiety. Having a very reasonable human reaction to the current realities, and also energy can move, that’s the nature of energy.

This energy can move and it will move; it will pass. DISPERSE, DISPERSE.

A candle lit in service of the dispersing. As a reminder of the nature of dispersing. Energy wants to move.

Calm, focused, motivated, invigorated

After I morning-jog or morning-dance-party or whatever form of Stimming du jour feels necessary to disperse the energy of anxiety and agitation, I do my morning slow yoga aka bobcat stretching time.

The intention I name and set has been the same for about a month now: calm, focused, motivated, invigorated.

I am calm, focused, motivated, invigorated.

A breath for this.

A breath for this

A breath for these qualities and superpowers. Calm, focused, motivated, invigorated. A breath for everything they hold within them.

Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.

What do I know about this? What lives inside each beautiful wish?

Calm: What do I know about my wish

Calm is about STEADINESS and the earth. I am of the earth, grounded in sanctuary.

Calm is about knowing that I am not going to be shaken even when everything is (or seems to be) shaking.

See also: the wild winds rattling my house, the ongoing drought in New Mexico where I live but also more generally the terrible news, the circumstances, etc.

Things might feel shaky, but I can call on a walking stick. I am grounded, of the earth, drawing power from the earth. Stability. A calming breath.

Moving through.

Calm is related to staying curious

Calm is about staying curious; being less reactive and more responsive. There is a gentleness to calm. Receptive and ready, but not alarmed.

Calm is the earth that everything else is planted in. The focus, the motivation, the sense of being invigorated, these are fruit trees rooted in calm.

I am calm not because everything is fine; I invoke calm as one possible approach to try on in response to everything not being fine.

Peace within, regardless of the wild winds

Calm doesn’t mean that everything is okay. Obviously it is not okay, there is so much that is not okay.

Calm means that things are how they are, and I am not fighting that. I can move through chaotic times and fight the good fight as needed, and still maintain an access a sense of stability and Peace Within.

Calm is a channel. I am learning how to spend time in the places where I can also be a channel.

Focused: What do I know about my wish?

Focused is about an intentional narrowing. Drawing in to the center. Strengthening from the center. Being a glowing ball of energy.

Focused is acknowledging that I can’t think about all the things, or I will get overwhelmed. Instead I do one thing at a time, take one small and intentional step at a time, trusting in the fractal magic.

Each step I take, each motion, each breath, is supporting all the other wishes.

Untangling one dilemma is untangling all the dilemmas. Everything is interconnected.

Or at least, that’s what I imagine and pretend, because this helps me stay focused on right here, right now.

Intentional forward movement. Reaching and extending. Striking and staying striking. Like a big cat.

A zooming in

Focus can feel like a zooming in, but it is also about attention and concentration. And these are about choices and discernment; staying intentional.

Where do I put my attention and my energy?

What matters to me?

Am I acting like I know who I am…?

And if not, what would help shift that? What motivates me towards focus, or encourages me to stay with this focus?

Motivated: What do I know about my wish

Motivated is about DESIRE. It is about MOJO.

Motivated is feeling pulled towards; it’s magnetic and dance-ey.

I used to think that it was about discipline, but now I think it’s about being okay with letting myself want something, which is brave and sometimes scary.

But what if brave and scary can be fun too in this context? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Invigorated: What do I know about my wish

Invigorated is energized, sparkly, effervescent, bubbling up.

Invigorated is MOJO BACK. Invigorated is full of aliveness. Invigorated feels radiant.

When I am invigorated, I feel light and fun and also focused, motivated and calm. Like when I have a good obsession. A well-directed obsession.

Talk to me about WELL DIRECTED. Talk to me about OBSESSIONS and a good obsession.

Well-directed

I love the double meaning or many meanings of DIRECTED.

Directed in the sense of indicated, pointing in a direction. I am directing my attention here, pouring all my energy into this channel.

Directed like a movie. Someone knows where everything goes or should go. There is a unifying aesthetic.

Directed like a magic wand. Directed like targeted. Directed like HERE IS YOUR NEXT STAGE DIRECTION.

When something is directed well, it is calm, focused, motivated and invigorated.

When something is directed well, you can feel how intentional every aspect of it is.

You have to be a little obsessive to direct something at all, never mind well, and I love getting a little obsessive, I love a well-directed obsession.

Congruence & Gleaming

Congruence or Congruencing is the word I use for “organizing”, because I simply never wish to organize anything or put something in order, and if I put organizing on my list, it will not happen.

Gleaming is the word I use for cleaning, for the same reasons.

I may not feel like organizing or cleaning, but I like the feeling of congruence and gleaming.

Congruence is about harmony and harmonizing. It is about going by feel, an intuitive practice rather than something prescriptive.

Gleaming is sparkling, alive, enlivened, shining, radiant. It feels good to be in a gleaming place.

It feels good to be in a congruent, harmonious environment.

Obsession as a door

The only (or best) way I can get myself to focus on Congruence & Gleaming is to get a little obsessed with them.

Last week i was obsessive about Spanish and Arabic, to the point of spending over four hours a day on them, which was great for Spanish and Arabic, and arguably not great for any of the many other things that needed doing and did not get done.

Though again, everything is fractal and connected, so I’m sure it supported my other wishes in some as-yet-unknown ways. Mainly it reminded me of the power of a good obsession.

A quest and a question

So now I am sitting with the the question (and quest) of how can I get that obsessive about literally anything that needs doing.

What are my Obsession Sessions when it comes to Congruencing and Gleaming.

Obsession is the door to Congruencing & Gleaming. And Congruencing & Gleaming are the doors (for me, at least) to creativity, expansion and play. I thrive when things feel congruent and gleaming.

A Good Obsession

Maybe I’m not ready yet to be or get obsessed with Gleaming & Congruencing, but I can wish that wish and then obsess over something else as a proxy practice.

For example, I can be The Jam Maker, and make ginger habanero jam like I did last weekend (a test batch), and fold, hide or or at least seed the wish of being someone who is obsessed with Gleaming & Congruencing inside of that practice.

Yes. Try something new. Learn, notice, take notes. What can jam-making teach me about my wish?

Or I can be obsessed with hiking, something I already love and enjoy, and use that obsession to learn about being someone who is obsessed with Gleaming & Congruencing.

Meanwhile, Gleaming & Congruencing also support both hiking and jam-making.

Yes, all obsessions support the other obsessions

All obsessions support the other obsessions.

Each wish supports the other wishes.

That’s why it helps to focus on a wish that feels non-scary and attainable; let it do the heavy lifting and reveal the clues.

And if I can stay playful and curious, each obsession returns me to passion, aliveness, being someone who is interacting with the world around me as well as the world inside me. Peace within.

Peace within

Calm, focused, motivated, invigorated. A little obsessed.

A little obsessed.

What fun.

Twenty five years ago I thought that Peace Within sounded both completely unattainable and very boring, why would you want that? But now it sounds like a fun experiment.

Even if it’s just a moment here and there. What a cool thing to experience, what a cool thing to pursue.

Even a moment is an opportunity to anchor that sensation into the body-mind, preserve it for later, call on it in a moment of need. Can we find the pull towards playful experimenting?

What is next?

I am going to spend this period from full moon to full moon learning more about Gleaming & Congruencing specifically, and about obsessions more generally.

Currently trying to temper my languages obsession in the sense that I want to stay obsessed but devote less time to the learning itself, and more time to letting the learning land deep within me.

Also I’m hoping that by spreading the obsession energy around, I will be able to give sunshine and water to my love of languages without neglecting the other crops.

We try things, let’s try things

As always, I’m going to try to stay curious and playful and compassionate. Not judging myself for perceived screw-ups; it’s all part of the experiment and the practicing.

We try things. We learn. We shift the parameters of the experiment. We drop in a sugar cube, to add sweetness and distract the devil, or to distract ourselves.

We stay attuned to joy when we can, and when we can’t, we make room for that too.

Making room for what is, lighting a candle

Sometimes trying things does not feel joyful, like with my ongoing practice of trying to quit MMA. It might not be joyful, but it’s interesting. And interesting is a starting point too.

Can I stay fascinated by the process of experimentation? Can I keep treasuring myself to the best of my ability, and stay attuned to whatever supports that…let’s find out.

Calm, focused, motivated, invigorated. What beautiful wishes. Let’s see where they lead.

Let’s light a candle, drop in a sugar cube and let the magic bubble up, and trust that whatever bubbles up is useful.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

I know who I am

a very rustic wood swing hanging from a majestic oak tree on a sunny day

Reflecting on the glory of a swing, but also about things that swing (moods, patterns, weather, identity etc…), and what is stabilizing, what is joyful


A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

I know who I am

Addiction patterns

I am hooked on a language app that many people, very rightfully, are currently abandoning (“user attrition”), as the CEO decided to use AI and waste the world’s precious water reserves instead of paying human beings to do jobs.

Someone less addicted than me might have their values in the right place and make choices accordingly, but lololol not me. I stayed up until 1am last night reviewing vocabulary for points, even though I’m someone who likes to be asleep by 9pm.

I forgot who I was. I can’t explain it better than that.

Clue: Your POWER comes from the GROUND UP

This is a clue I have working with lately.

It is a clue from boxing, but it also relates to dance, yoga, writing, really everything I can think of that I enjoy. Maybe even language learning.

In dance you draw power up from the earth, and you send energy down into the earth. You use the floor.

The floor is your one true dance partner, a constant, like the breath. The floor is where your power comes from, if you choose to use it, if you dance with the floor, instead of moving on top of the floor.

There’s your body, and your partner’s body, and the music and the connection itself.

But it all comes from, or reacts to, your grounded push-pull relationship with the floor, receiving power, drawing it up, grounding down.

Olympia

My mother’s favorite movie was Moonstruck.

I would probably also put this movie in my top ten. What’s not to love. The absolutely bonkers chemistry between Cher and Nicolas Cage, the opera, New York City in the snow, the romance, the character actors, the bakery, the Italian-ness, the banter, the philosophizing about love, the idea that sometimes a thing that is bad is good, and sometimes the good thing is bad.

The grandfather instructing the dogs to howl at the moon. Olympia Dukakis cooking egg-in-a-hole* for Cher.

* I’m linking to that piece specifically for the phrase Suburban Cowboy Eggs, but also for the clip from the show Friends.

A classic.

Drinks in the face

My mother’s favorite part though is when Olympia Dukakis tells John Mahoney, “I can’t invite you in because I know who I am.”

That’s John Mahoney, better known as the cranky dad in Frasier but here playing the scene-stealing, extremely charming, emotionally messy, eternally baffled professor who ends up joining her for dinner and walking her home when she is in an emotionally vulnerable state.

And when I describe him as eternally baffled, I mean: eternally baffled by people’s entirely predictable reactions to his equally predictable behavior.

Knowing who you are, and then acting on it

As Sarah Larson phased it in the excellent New Yorker profile on him after his death, “Mahoney plays an aging lothario professor who often gets drinks thrown in his face by indignant younger women after a sleazy remark.” He does indeed, and then he’s baffled by it, and this repeats itself.

If you want a good recap of this movie, I would read this one. But also just go watch Moonstruck.

Anyway. Olympia Dukakis knows who she is, and that is what determined her choices, and this is what my mother loved most.

I used to think this was a weak point in the movie, but now I agree with my mother.

From the ground up

Is this (power from the ground up) related to my mom’s love of Moonstruck?

Surely the power of I know who I am is power from the ground up, embodied.

Surely this is the power that I am craving when I am trying to connect to the ground, the reset I need when I forget what is important to me.

You can see in Cher’s acceptance speech for the Oscar she won for Moonstruck that she too knows who she is.

I am thinking about games

I am pretty much constantly thinking about C Thi Nguyen’s excellent writing on games and gamification, and how Thi says that games and gamified systems and experiences essentially train you to align your value system with the values of the game.

A great example being Twitter (RIP), a place whose utility and joy, for me at least, came from things like connecting with colleagues, having interesting conversations, having a place to share your weird little brain thoughts, etc.

But because of the nature of the platform, and because of the way our brains react to Number Goes Up, you could make some little joke that got thirty thousand likes, and then suddenly you’re trying to be the person who makes thirty thousand people laugh, instead of being someone who is there for connection.

Related: I am thinking about choices

So let’s say, because it’s true, that I am someone who loves to learn languages because I love words and people and connection and solving a giant puzzle. And I am also someone who loves Early To Bed.

But the app is a behavior modification mechanism, as Zadie Smith puts it.

And really, it is a values modification mechanism, according to the work C Thi Nguyen is doing.

The point of the app is allegedly to help me learn languages, but what it trains me to do is to be on there at certain times doing certain activities to get the highest number of points, or to achieve a goal that is related to the app and not related to I know who I am.

Thi says that the only way to navigate this is to regularly check in with yourself to make sure that you are still acting in ways that are aligned with your values and not the values rewarded in the game.

Sticky

That’s probably the best possible advice for this sticky situation, and also it is extremely clear that I am forgetting who I am, and what is important to me.

Anyway, this morning I woke up late and felt wildly hungover, and ate the entire chocolate bar that was supposed to be for a baking project I was excited about, and skipped morning jog, and (astonishingly) felt worse.

About as surprising as John Mahoney getting a drink in his face.

I wrote a sticky note to myself about that sticky situation with the themes I feel drawn to contemplate for today…

Themes to contemplate (for me, right now) include…

  • never again
  • check in with your own values
  • stay curious: things change, you change, that’s okay, just find out what feels true and right for you right now
  • do you know who you are, babe
  • because you used to be someone who didn’t compromise on sleep or morning practices
  • but also we can salvage this and everything is an experiment and therefore useful
  • and also Compassion First, before and after everything and also in between
  • what would help?
  • RESET, RESTART, REGROUND
  • draw power from the earth, start from the ground up

I was in a major downward spiral day, and then I interrupted it, with these themes and questions, and with the reminder to me to keep adding compassion.

I am thinking about the question: What is the utility

I have a friend who, somewhat like John Mahoney in Moonstruck, is eternally baffled by people’s reactions to his predictably inappropriate behavior.

Sometimes I am good at the American practice of prefacing what I am about to say with “can I be blunt”, and then also softening what I was going to say. But sometimes the Israeli side of me forgets to do that, or simply doesn’t want to.

And so, the other day, after he said something predictably inappropriate but particularly out of line, I said:

“Dude, do you not ever just get tired of being a frustrated, resentful, homicidally horny innuendo machine? What is the utility in that? What is it giving you?”

Interesting interesting

And he was hurt and annoyed, by my bluntness or by the content of it, which is interesting, because hurt and annoyed is quite often the exact response he receives to the inappropriate things he says, which he doesn’t have a lot of patience for.

What’s the utility? Do we know?

I know who I am

And I tried to explain that the things he says do not offend me, they are just irrelevant to me. I don’t need to know them, because I know who I am.

And I am okay saying that I don’t want this input, because I know who I am.

Even if sometimes I forget.

Because forgetting is part of remembering.

What would Orna say

I had a beloved teacher in Tel Aviv, back when I was studying something called the Yemima method, and she would often say something like this:

If someone’s behavior is annoying you, there is probably some element to this that is reminding you of a situation in your own life where your behavior also doesn’t make sense, or isn’t aligned. And you’re annoyed about that.

It’s not that the other person’s behavior isn’t annoying. It’s that the reactiveness to it is coming from something closer to home.

In other words, I see my friend repeating behavior that does not serve him, and does not bring him joy, and I want better for him, and for everyone who encounters him. And then I have to investigate my impatience further.

Okay, so two questions arise from this…

Two questions, with an “And, also”

Can I set clear, firm, loving boundaries with the people in my life?

And also: can I look at the places in my own life where I too am repeating behavior that does not serve me and does not bring me joy.

Which leads to a third question: Can I want better for myself?

Okay, how about a fourth question…

Can I know who I am?

I am thinking about Grounded Enthusiasm

Can I stay grounded and positive, can I channel curiosity and infectious joy, can I be motivated by what I value?

Anatomy of a downward spiral day

Like I said, I stayed up way too late (for me, people vary), and then was moody and cranky and impatient with myself.

I got mad at myself for forgetting to do something the app rewards me for, and then I didn’t do languages at all, which is the whole reason I use the app to begin with, then got mad at myself about that.

Then contemplated a wide variety of regrets and sadness and shame related to the last thirteen years since my former mentor brought a lawsuit against me, and all the ways I didn’t protect my students or myself, and how I should have just shared all the information I had with everyone instead of following the advice of my lawyer and staying quiet to not exacerbate or escalate.

And how everyone said it would blow over, and all the ways I thought it would eventually be fine because people know I’m a good person and therefore they would know that if someone says I’m not then obviously that person is either mistaken or confused or being dishonest, but it wasn’t fine.

How does it work, to know yourself? And other questions

I knew who I was and thought everyone else did but that’s not how anything works.

And how will I ever make things right? Is it even possible to do that? AND SO ON.

Forgetting and returning

Like, I fully spiraled today. In the bad way.

And it all started from forgetting that going to bed early is the most basic foundational piece (for me, I’m not giving advice to anyone else) in my self-care and mental health maintenance, which I forgot because I let the app change what I value.

Sometimes spirals can be healing though. A re-patterning. A celebration of roundness and returns.

Remember? Yes.

Channeling compassion for a downward spiral

Extremely normal to have trouble granting ourselves compassion and grace in a downward spiral.

In fact, I can’t think of anything less helpful than someone telling me to have compassion for myself, that’s sure to backfire.

And yet I know I would model compassion, grace, loving acceptance and warmth for someone I love who was downward spiraling. So can I remember to do that for myself, even a little?

Again, we forget in part in order to have the experience of remembering

This is something another teacher of mine, Esther Gokhale, says all the time.

Forgetting is part of remembering. We forget and then we can remember again later.

This is part of the learning process and part of making progress; not a diversion from the path but an intrinsic part of being on a path.

Let’s pause, breathe, remember. Good job to us for remembering, each time we remember.

I know who I am (some of the time at least)

I know who I am.

I forget, I remember.

And also: it changes.

And that’s okay too.

And that’s okay too

If I want to experience or experiment with being someone who stays up to 1am, god bless. It’s an experiment. Nothing is written in stone. My yeses can change.

Experimenting is how I learn. Visiting the edges. Returning to center.

Lovingly interrupting the pattern, and resetting the VALUES (yes, all meanings) of my own game that I am playing. And not the one the game wants me to play or is playing for me, or the game that is playing me.

A sugar cube into the champagne

Champagne is served twice in Moonstruck, and both times Loretta (Cher’s character) drops a sugar cube into it.

This is related to an Italian superstition that you need to distract the devil who is attracted to your joy. You sort of feed the devil with a different form of joy.

I love this because I love ritual, and I love this because I love sweetness, but mainly I love the idea of acknowledging fear and discomfort, and giving it something.

What if? Let’s start there

Today I got mad at myself when I (extremely predictably) shifted my behavior and my values because I (predictably) got conned by the Behavior & Values Modification App designed by the smartest people in the world to get me to do just that.

But what if I drop a cube of sugar into this experience of being upset with myself over a series of predictable events, and take a breath, draw power from the ground up, and reset.

I can reset and reconfigure through getting curious. What do I value right now? What brings me joy?

Yes, that’s a good starting point

Let’s start there, with patience, with grace, and ideally the ability to laugh at my own shenanigans.

I tried something and I didn’t like where it got me. And now I get to follow the questions…

What is the utility? Where is the joy? Let’s drop a cube of sugar into this and take joy in the bubbling-up.

Power from the ground up. Effervescence. Curiosity. Loving Clarity.

The experiments continue.

Come drop sugar cubes with me.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings (or favorite Moonstruck quotes) of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

Right Parts

the view of the tip-top of a glorious tree during forest yoga

Reflecting on looking up at a treetop from a pine-needle covered yoga mat, the glory of it all…


A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Right Parts

Where am I at home

There is the world of concepts and the world of things, and I live in the world of concepts. I thrive in the world of concepts.

Sometimes I visit the world of things, but I tend to get lost there pretty easily. I tend to get frustrated and demotivated there. It seems like everyone else knows their way around, and I’m always speaking the wrong language or misunderstanding something basic.

You could also say that I have strong absent-minded professor energy, and maybe that’s the ADHD, or maybe it’s the traumatic brain injury, though really it’s always been this way.

I am trying to get better at visiting the world of things more often; paying more attention, orienting myself there, picking up idioms and expressions, being attentive to clues, mapping out a path, taking notes for next time.

Mapping the maps

Last week I crawled under the car to change the oil, which is a very World Of Things activity, so I do it with supervision from someone who is very much at home in the world of things and has the patience and skill to translate for me and explain things slowly and clearly.

My anxiety around this activity is way lower than it used to be, but that doesn’t mean I feel at home doing it.

I consistently have trouble remembering what is where, or which part needs to be turned which way, and in what order, and so on. My mental map of this activity remains hazy. All of this is frustrating to me.

But I keep practicing, in the hope that one day it will land for me, and because I believe that the act of practicing itself has value and meaning. I am trying to learn a new skill; I am trying to acclimate to unfamiliar places.

Surveillance

Beneath the car, I surveyed the damage done to my poor sweet Star Car by colliding with a large elk, and was relieved to see that it all seemed superficial.

But also I took the car to my country mechanic a few days later to get the official checkup.

(Thank you to everyone who lit candles for me, everything went well and there was only good news. The damage was minimal and the fixes were less expensive than I had feared. Blessings abound. Go team!)

Timing

My friend Vincent kept me company on the adventure to the mechanic. I remembered that we also did this last year, and he looked it up on his phone, and it turns out that the third Thursday in April was also Visit A Country Mechanic Day last year too.

So now it’s a ritual. In the books.

Like Goose Day, but for driving way out into the country to a backyard shop that has no name and no sign.

Love a holiday that suggests itself.

Visit A Country Mechanic Day rituals include: coffee, chocolate, laughter. And enjoying the company of another World Of Concepts person in going to visit a World Of Things location.

Panic! At the Disco Auto Parts Store

Anyway, while I was doing the oil change, I realized that the auto parts store had given me the wrong size gasket, and I had a moment of anxiety that maybe I had ordered the wrong one, because I do not reside in the world of things.

That’s exactly the kind of mistake I might make, and that my self-criticism monsters would have a field day over.

The chorus of You Should Know These Things, Why Don’t You Pay Attention. I can beat myself up over that stuff for days if I am not careful.

So I had the wrong part which meant that I didn’t switch out the gasket, which was fine, and I drove to the store to find out if it was my mistake or theirs.

Commotion in motion

And even though I was absolutely covered in grease, or possibly because of this, all the big truck cowboys and mining guys there were tripping over themselves to respectfully flirt with me, which somehow made me feel better about the world and my place in it.

I may not live in the world of things, or even spend much time there, but I can walk into a World Of Things location and cause a commotion, and that’s something. Note to self: always wear leggings to the auto parts store.

Right Parts Rick

There was this old-timer working there who said to call him Right Parts Rick, and he confirmed that someone there had given me the wrong part, even though I’d ordered the right one, which also made me feel better about the world.

It was a world of things person who had screwed up in the world of things this time, not me.

Of course, he explained, he would never have given me the wrong part, that’s why they call him Right Parts Rick, and that next time I should just ask for Right Parts Rick.

Right Parts Rick would never give me the wrong part. Imagine being so at home in the world of things for decades that you just call yourself Right Parts. Incredible.

Vegas

Right Parts Rick said that I should be a dancer in Vegas, even though the $3.45 refund wouldn’t get me there.

I laughed.

This man looked like he was eighty, but he still has game, and I respect that.

Right Parts Rick knows what’s good.

It Solves Itself

Here are some the things that have gracefully and elegantly (or not) Solved Themselves this month, channeling the beautiful superpower of It Solves Itself:

It was time to take my car for a checkup and I just wasn’t doing it, but then I had a collision with an elk, so it had to happen.

And my country mechanic, who is honest, kind, thoughtful, affordable and every possible quality you could want in a mechanic, but very hard to schedule with, fit me in right away because he loves me and was worried about me.

All of the above maybe

My electronic gate was being fussy, and someone very kindly offered to fix it because they felt bad about their colleague driving into it, and so it just got fixed, and I didn’t need to do anything.

I had a wish about making friends out here in the wilds, and this month I suddenly made a bunch of new friends after five years of being out here not making friends. I am not sure what changed other than everything? Attitude shift? Trying new things? Magic? Luck? All of the above maybe.

Also I was brave and joined a hiking club, which turned out to be awesome, but then other friends came into my life at the same time, seemingly out of nowhere. IT SOLVED ITSELF.

You already have it

Oh, and I had this big ongoing wish in process about Mojo Back / Groove Back, and didn’t know how to go about this.

But it turns out that all I had to do was visit the auto parts store, and all is right in the world again. What I thought was a big complicated wish was actually almost ludicrously simple. Go see Right Parts Rick.

Superpower of you already have the right parts. Of course you do. Or someone else knows where the right parts are. It all works out.

Superpower of the thing you are craving is not distant, it is not beyond the horizon, it was right around the bend, or it was there all along and you just forgot about it for a while.

Forest yoga

My hiking friends invited me to forest yoga, which is basically a combination of every single thing I love.

Being around trees, in fresh mountain air, breathing deliciously, being in community, experiencing a sense of harmoniousness and of joy, moving my body, looking up at the sky, feeling playful and embodied and alive.

There were fifteen of us in a clearing, surrounded by glorious ponderosa pines.

We watched the blue sky. We observed the blue sky between our toes, legs in the air.

A forest delight

At the end of an hour of slow steady movement sequences, we were given fifteen minutes to free-form wander and channel childlike curiosity: pick up a pinecone, toss some pine needles, meet a tree, climb something, move slowly and be alert to everything, stay playful.

I put my nose right into a ponderosa pine while hugging it and inhaled its magical scent of vanilla and reassurance. A forest delight.

Then we rested on our pine-needle covered mats and watched the sky between the trees and that was class.

Grounded, Undulating, Focused, Ready

I loved yoga in a forest clearing so much that I went to another class, and the theme of that class was GROUNDED, UNDULATING, FOCUSED.

This turned out to be the best possible remedy (for me) for a day of anxiety and heartache and reactiveness.

What beautiful qualities, what useful superpowers. Earth under my feet. Moving like a big cat. Stretching, extending, feeling a building up of kinetic energy ready to be unleashed.

I might be a world of concepts person but I maybe most of all love the world of being a big wild cat out under the big wild sky.

Moving powerfully, breathing steadily, perfectly fine with causing a commotion when I am ready to pounce.

Readying for the readying

These are the themes for me right now.

Everything I don’t know how to solve is going into the wishing cauldron of It Solves Itself.

Beyond that, I keep practicing, I keep wishing, I keep training, I keep breathing and hugging trees and taking in their scent.

Staying ready. Big cat stretches. Big cat yawns. Prowling for the joy of prowling. Becoming someone who can recognize the right parts, or go to the places where the right parts already are.

What would my grounded tall tree self do? What would my powerful big cat self do? One breath and then another breath. One wish and then another wish. It solves itself, let’s keep playing.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any Right Parts style stories of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A Goose Day Tale

the greenest green tree I met on a walk

Reflecting on how the trees are thriving even when the circumstances are not ideal…


A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

A Goose Day Tale

The unfolding stories of Goose Day

Before we get started, let me clarify that no geese were harmed — nor even involved — in the making of Goose Day stories, the goose is a MacGuffin.

My friend sent me a care package, blessings on friends and packages and care.

And, thanks to the miracles of modern package tracking, I received information that the package was in my mailbox, so I detoured from walking circles in my pasture and set off for the mailbox, except the package was not in fact in my mailbox at all, which was empty.

The first mystery!

More mysteries

We discovered that I’d given her the wrong address (very mysterious and unlike me).

But I had a number to look for, so I started walking.

I live on a very country road that is mostly forest and not particularly walkable, but I wandered a while and eventually ascertained that the other address did not seem to exist.

Then I happened upon a shack of sorts with a bunch of signs about how government and taxes are bad, and an old-timer came out and looked at me suspiciously and asked if he could help.

I made friends with him and with his dog (Miss Sugar), and he had never heard of the mystery address. He thought the whole thing was a wild goose chase, and so I trekked back to my pasture, pondering the mysteries.

Easy come easy go

My package was missing, and I was sad about that.

I thought about the phrase Easy Come Easy Go, and is that a comfort or a threat.

This thing I was missing I hadn’t (until quite recently) even known existed to miss it.

Things come and then they are gone, or they don’t come at all but you get a message that they have already arrived and then you feel feelings about them being in your life or not being in your life.

Lo que

I find it very funny that in Spanish, a language that is so often more compact than English, it takes much longer to say this: Lo que fácil viene, fácil se va.

That which easily comes, easily goes.

In Hebrew, a similarly compact and to-the-point language, you also have to do a long-winded workaround, and say: What comes with ease, with ease also goes.

In German it reduces elegantly to four words again. Wie gewonnen, so zerronnen. As it is won, so it melts away.

And in Arabic it’s back to what comes with ease leaves with ease, though someone told me that there is a saying about what the winds brought, the winds disperse, which is very poetic.

Not a straight line at all

Anyway, I walked in circles and thought about ease, and being easy with things, and about how sometimes you can say something in a way that is compact, and sometimes you have to say it in a way that is circuitous.

The shortest path may be a straight line but is that the best path? It depends.

There is something to letting things come and go as they will. Something about flexibility, adaptability and ease, something about surrender.

But/and/also: of course at the same time I was still sad about my package, and still confounded by the mystery.

Wild wild (goose)

I talked to Arash about my mystery, and he said, “I love a wild goose chase, but only if the goose gets caught.”

I didn’t think this was a case where there would be any kind of ending, only a story.

The only goose I could catch, in theory, had to be something related to the gap between my Big Feelings about suddenly inexplicably having this intense desire for the missing package, versus the reality that the package had disappeared.

I didn’t even know what to chase exactly.

It solves itself

The next day I went to the post office early and confirmed that their information also said the package was in my mailbox, and I got there right as Juan was packing up the mail truck, so I got to talk to him too.

It turns out that it didn’t matter that I gave my friend the wrong address, because he just delivers by names, and if my name was on it then it should be in my box, and if it’s not there, then it’s a mystery. Back to the mysteries.

But later in the day, he came over to my place with the package, and it turns out he had accidentally taken it to the forest service. Easy come, easy go, easy return. It all worked out!

The forest service hadn’t had any interest in my box, but they’d kept it.

Miracles abound

Miracles abound. What a delight.

Even better, now I know that anything sent to my general area with my name will eventually arrive to me, which is kind of amazing, and also sweet and reassuring.

It reminds me of my favorite mail-related story ever, which is when Yaron received a letter that was only addressed to his first name, the name of the town and the name of the country, and it still got to him.

Happy Goose Day!

Happy Goose Day! This is what Arash said when I told him the package had been returned to me.

He suggested April 16 as a new holiday (Goose Day) when we celebrate Finding The Goose, and all other forms of stuff just working out, aka It Solves Itself.

Which in some ways is kind of the the opposite of easy come easy go.

It is about outcome. But also I think we can celebrate both outcome and ease of letting go of outcomes. Maybe both play an equally important part.

But also

Yes, I think that part of searching for the goose involves steadily maintaining that Easy Come Easy Go mentality of okay, maybe we find it maybe we don’t.

Maybe it’s coming and maybe it’s going, we’ll just have to wait and see. It’s wild and it’s a chase, anything could happen.

That’s the hard part, right? The not-knowing, the searching. How do you maintain lightness around that? I am not sure yet.

Another Goose Day Tale

This did not happen on Goose Day, or at least not that I remember, but I was telling a friend this story recently, and he was like, oh that is a GOOSE DAY STORY.

A story to tell and retell and celebrate in Goose Day season.

This was close to twenty five years ago. I was fired from my job as a very low-level website moderator for a Tel Aviv tech company that was going under, at the end of the dot com bubble, and I did not know what I was going to do next, and so I started walking.

A corner

There was a little corner kiosk and I stopped to buy something.

The guy working behind the counter said, I know you from somewhere.

A couple of months earlier, my friend Rachel had taken me as her plus-one to her cousin’s wedding, and this guy had been the excellent bartender at that wedding. It took a while but we figured out where we knew each other from.

He said, my shift ends in ten minutes, wanna go grab a beer?

Or something even better

We ended up a place down the street that had a large varieties of beer on tap, and I proceeded to get in a huge argument with the proprietor about beer and beer-making.

I was pretty sure I was going to be asked to leave but instead, Omri, the owner of the place, conceded that I know more about beer than anyone else he knew, and said, Okay fine, why don’t you come work here?

And so I started the next day and stayed for two years. A very Goose Day situation. Can’t tell you what happened to my accidental-date.

Easy come easy go easy return, or something even better. Lost a job, gained a job. It all worked out.

Surprise spaciousness, surprise ease

This past week has contained a lot of surprise spaciousness. It’s not that everything is solving itself elegantly, but many things have. There has been enough time. I have been unhurried.

My gate got fixed. The part for my car arrived. I was able to sidestep an awkward situation without much effort.

Everything else is going back into the wishing pot, the witching cauldron. May it resolve itself simply and easily, with some good Goose Day style miracles.

Something about mojo

More about this another time but a lot of my wishes lately have been about the return of the mojo / groove back, and it turns out that all the things I do in service of this wish are just all the things I do anyway for sanity:

  • getting outdoors (double bonus outdoor points)
  • being in beautiful nature
  • listening to myself breathe / being the compassionate observer
  • languages
  • baking
  • a long slow luscious yoga hour, or other forms of bobcat time
  • try new things
  • moisturize
  • early to bed
  • find something to laugh about

None of these things is the answer, but they are all contributing factors to self-treasuring and generally feeling okay, either of which is a huge win.

What am I taking with me from this experience?

This is a question I ask a lot, or journal on, or take to the pasture.

What I am taking from Goose Day is:

Have some faith. It will work out one way or another, and probably not the way I think it will. Stay calm and steady, keep asking for simple elegant solutions, without assuming I know what those solutions should look like.

Walk it out. Make friends with dogs. Ask more questions. Tell people what you’re looking for. Keep wishing the wishes, keep detaching from outcome and agenda, staying attuned to the qualities of the wishes.

Peace within

Peace within. A sense of humor.

Creativity. Playfulness. Wonder. Delight. Receptivity to some good surprises.

These are all good Goose Day superpowers.

Here’s to more things solving themselves elegantly, or at least in a way that makes for a good story.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any Goose Day style stories of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

The elk on the path

pretty pastel sunset light illuminating the trees

Reflecting on how the last of the sunset illuminates my tree friends…


A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

THE ELK ON THE PATH

Ultimate

Driving down a dark and winding mountain road, I came around a bend and in front of me stood the elk.

I have seen elk before, but really only as a blur. They are massive, powerful creatures, and they move so fast that it’s almost as if you sense them more than see them.

Something flashes before you on the road, and you think, well that was a freebie. Alive.

Safe and well. The ultimate that-was-a-freebie.

Once

Once, standing in my kitchen, I heard a reverberation that reminded me of thunder, but also of an earthquake.

Turning to its source, I saw or perceived a blur of large motion as it whooshed past my front porch.

And then, turning my head back to the window, I recognized the majestic elk, disappearing into the forested hills, having vaulted over my gate like it was nothing at all. All grace and speed.

Blessed by a swift visitor. Later I read that they can jump up to eight feet in the air vertically. I believe that, though can’t imagine how they measure it.

This was the opposite of that. This elk was motionless. This elk was standing his ground.

Here is what I remember

Here is what I remember:

My foot on the brake, trying to slow to a stop before reaching the elk. The elk not moving.

A certain moment in which I understood, or maybe we both understood, that I was not going to be able to stop in time.

And the moment of realization that the elk was not going to move from the path.

That collision was inevitable. Nothing to be done but meet.

Receiving

And then we both just sort of received the slow collision.

You could say that we softened into collision.

I don’t really know how to describe the collision because I don’t remember anything about what it felt like.

The part that is clear in my mind is that I saw the elk fold to the ground like origami. Then it bounced right back up and vanished into the ravine, as if it had been a figment.

Lights, breath, action

My body seemed to be in working order, my car seemed to be functioning as well.

I did not feel brave enough to venture out to look at it, but the lights were still on and all systems were go, and so I drove home, aware of the many miracles.

The many miracles

There are easily a hundred different ways that an elk collision on a dark winding mountain road with sheer drops into a ravine could have either killed me or totaled the car, or both.

I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky to not be experiencing pain.

Similarly I am glad and relieved the elk seemed to move easily and lightly as it disappeared into the darkness.

And my car feels good to drive.

The next day I gathered all possible courage to take a look. The headlight casing is broken, some cosmetic damage, a lot of elk hair. One part will be expensive to replace, but I am lighting a candle to support my hope that my mechanic will give me only good news about everything else, amen.

Mr Carr’s thoughts on cars

The person who taught me how to drive was Mr Carr, which is an amusingly apt name for a Drivers Ed teacher.

He was a kind and thoughtful teacher, who noticed things, and would lend me books about topics he thought I would like (people living off-grid in New Hampshire, I think, is the one I remember most), and I was lucky then too.

I was an anxious driver, worried about everything. And Mr Carr pointed out, correctly, that you cannot possibly prepare for every scenario. And also that you can train for many of them.

You cannot, for example, do much, if a plane suddenly crash-lands on the freeway while you’re driving. Some things are beyond your control.

Some things, many things

Some things are out of your control. Many things, probably.

Other elements, like paying attention, gathering information, training yourself to react calmly, getting to know your instincts, can be trained for, or finessed, over time.

Attentiveness is a form of training. Breath is a form of training.

We trained for this

We trained for this. It is good and useful to train.

And also, shit happens.

More specifically, shit happens that really challenges all your training. So part of the training is knowing and remembering that you will get waylaid.

Path medicine

My friend Cate said:

Elk is the medicine of stamina. Pace yourself to maintain stamina.

So there is the medicine of stamina, there is the medicine of the path and what is in it, there is the medicine of [you cannot prepare for everything and also you can train for many things].

Naming the medicine

There is the medicine of surrender and receiving the collision.

There is the medicine of miracles. There is the medicine of shit happens.

There is the medicine of colliding. I am still learning about this.

Quiet

Things have felt very quiet since the collision.

I am sleeping again. And doing brave things, even though I don’t want to.

Some days I feel floaty and unfocused, like my nervous system can’t remember how to sequence things.

Other days I feel remarkably focused, as if all the noise has disappeared.

Either way, I am slow-moving these days, but moving slowly feels indicated, so I am going to trust that path.

Attuning to the truth of things

In the morning guided meditation I listen to sometimes, they say, you cannot control everything, you do not control everything.

I am trying to stay attuned to the truth of this, while I continue to train.

How can I react with grace to what is in front of me on the path? How can I be more compassionate with myself in moments or situations when I am questioning my reactions.

That’s also part of the training, and the medicine, apparently.

Fifteen minutes

I have been setting fifteen minute timers for Bravery Ops, reminding myself that fifteen minutes is a container of time to experiment.

When I don’t want to be brave, which is often, I look at these words that I wrote on a card:

Guess what, I am so fucking brave, and I only have to be this brave for fifteen minutes, and nothing scares me because I calmly experienced a collision with a massive elk who could have destroyed me and my car, but I emerged unscathed, and if I got that lucky, I can also be this brave right now.

And then it’s one step and another step. Sometimes renaming the steps so they don’t seem as daunting, sometimes doing alignment, sometimes breaking things down into even smaller steps.

Quests versus locations

I have been sitting with this incredible sentence from PJ Vogt, from the Search Engine podcast:

“The real questions that haunt me don’t tend to be resolvable; they aren’t quests you get to go on, they’re places you just have to live for a while.”

This is interesting to me because right now all my questions feel like quests. But what if they are locations, and I just need to spend time in them…

Considering, for example

My questions have to do with, for example…

I am considering what the elk who wouldn’t move from the path was trying to tell me, if anything.

Or what it tells me that I didn’t freak out and just kept my foot on brake and stayed the course and we just both received the collision. I could have swerved either way, but I did not, which is fortunate on a steep mountainside.

I am considering questions that have to do with trust and vibes and right timing.

Resetting

Since the collision, I have been sleeping much better and also not thinking about the mysteries of heartbreak, so I am trying to imagine or at least pretend that this elk collision was a sort of cosmic resetting that solves and resolves.

I have questions about this too. I have questions about what it means that I am so slow-moving these days, and if that is a good thing. I have questions about We Trained For This.

But also I think PJ is right, and I need to stop focusing on clues and quests, and receive the reality of this moment, hang out here for a while.

It’s either a cosmic resetting or it’s not, but either way, my next steps are the same.

But either way my next steps are the same

Yoga, meditation, journaling, snacks, deep self-treasuring, gentle recovery, go see my country mechanic who adores me, get hugs from the best chiropractor, get back in the saddle, let the elk medicine be absorbed.

Those are my next steps, yours may vary. Everyone is different and needs different things. I bet you have some good clues to follow.

It is interesting and comforting to me though to realize that I don’t need to adjust my next steps very much.

We do the things that help. Sometimes it gets sticky because the vibes aren’t right, or it feels like something is missing. Okay, into the wishing cauldron it goes. May a lovely, simple, elegant solution arise to this too.

A candle for this.

A candle for this

A candle for all the miracles that have been, a candle for miracles incoming. May we have many more opportunities to exhale, fill up on gratitude, and say, “Wow, that was a freebie”.

You are welcome to leave pebbles or light imaginary candles in the comments, and I will also gladly take all well-wishes! Also any clues you might have or fun theories you want to spin about the medicine or meaning of an elk encounter are welcome too.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

The Fluent Self