Gee, thanks for the paradigm shift

Hanging out in the waiting room of my doctor’s office the other day, I meant to catch up on some work. Instead, I got distracted by a handout called “The Top Ten Ways to Calm Down and Get Rid of Stress”. Or something like that. I don’t remember the exact wording, but it was definitely ten and definitely calm.

My first thought was, Neat! Right up my alley. Especially since I spend a great deal of my time talking people down when they’re having a “moment”, and teaching them little tricks so they can do it to themselves. I’m always curious as to what else is out there, and like to keep my eyes open in the hopes of picking up a new angle.

Well, I can’t tell you now off the top of my head what any of the ten were, just that they were all equally useless. Things like, “Don’t worry about things you can’t control” and “Focus on the positive”. Ugh. Nothing sets off my inner sarcastic smart-alec like inane bits of inadequate wisdom.

What’s the problem?

You know a piece of advice isn’t working when the only possible response is rolling your eyes. As in, “How on earth am I supposed to do that?” Or, “If I were able to instantly stop worrying about things I can’t control, I wouldn’t need a top ten list, would I?” It’s hard to imagine anyone saying, “Oh, what a relief. Thank you, I’ll just focus on the positive then. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of that myself.”

I know, it’s well-meant. And I appreciate the intention. Intention is awesome. Yet intention is only part of calming down. To be specific, it’s one of five parts. And each of these parts is more effective in conjunction with the others.

The five puzzle pieces

A lot goes into quieting the thoughts and calming the mind. One piece of it is intention — the energy behind the desire to tune into yourself and get quiet. Call this important bit the awareness piece.

Another piece is the cognitive angle. A choice bit of advice (not for the commonsensically-challenged) or a good way to reframe the situation. This is the mental piece.

There’s also meeting yourself where you’re at with a healthy dose of kindness and compassion, and then talking through your “stuff”. That’s the emotional piece.

And of course you want to do something with your body. First of all, just to help you get focused and grounded, but also because of all the “fairy dust” you can access through using pressure points to stimulate nerve endings. Using your body helps you talk to the brain. That’s the physical piece.

Then there’s all the stuff you can do that isn’t visible, like conscious breathing techniques that help the brainwaves synch up to the breathwaves, or using perception or visualization techniques to enter a state of calm. That’s the energy piece.

Putting it all together

It sounds like a lot, but that’s the way it works best. Try it:

Starting with the physical piece, plant your feet on the floor and sit up straight. Take your index and middle fingers together, and press gently but firmly right on the filtrum (the spot right under your nose and above your mouth). Keep it there as you move through the rest of the steps.

Moving to the energy piece: let your breathing slow and become more conscious. Do a quick body scan and find out if there’s any tension in the shoulders, neck or jaw you can let go of.

Now the emotional piece. “Even though there is stress in my life, and I have plenty of reasons to be freaking out right now, I’m allowed to be stressed. I want to remind myself that I’m human, I have stress like everyone else, and that I’m doing the best I can. This temporary moment of stress does not define me. I am getting better at noticing when I need support and kindness.”

Onward to the mental piece: “What would it feel like to be able to let go of some of this stress? Is it possible that there is something my stress is trying to tell me? Do I need to slow down? Do I need some more people on my team? I’m willing to use this moment to learn something useful about myself.”

Straight to the awareness piece — ask yourself for the qualities that would be most useful for you right now. Or affirm that you are open to receiving the help, strength and support that you need.

Feel just a tiny bit better? Good.

Be well.

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