So the big theme of my Extremely Necessary Vacation has been sovereignty.
That’s the very useful word I picked up from my dear friend Hiro and it refers to oh, pretty much everything I’m working on right now.
Namely:
- not caring so much about what other people think
- not caving in to other people’s expectations
- being able to rest in the safety that comes from knowing that my space, my body, my energy and my life belong to me
- remembering that these things will always belong to me because guess what? I get to be the queen of my fabulous pirate-ey queendom.
The signifiers of owning your power.
Anyway. Back to Extremely Necessary Vacation.
My gentleman friend and I were having a long talk about my business and where it’s going. Yes, vacation vacation, but come on. There’s really no better place to talk business than in a hot tub.
And I was wondering out loud what the signifiers of owning your own power would be.
In other words, if I want to start thinking about my company in a more biggified way, it seems as though there need to be things that help me actively step into that mindset.
But the traditional serious business signifiers (briefcases? shoulder pads? golf clubs?) are so completely not my thing.
My thing is to keep on being the mad pirate queen. The Chief Eccentricity Officer! I want to wear braids! And stripey socks. And to go everywhere accompanied by a duck. Wait, I already do all of that.
So how do I biggify confidently and … out loud, without compromising the part about doing it my way?
And my gentleman friend looked at me and said: “What about asking for what you want?”
What about asking for what you want?
Hold on a second while I process that.
Me: Haenh?!* What are you talking about?
My gentleman friend: You’re saying that physical signifiers aren’t going to work for you. That this is more about an internal shift.
Me: Right … and?
My gentleman friend: So … what if you approached every single interaction you have with the question, ‘how am I going to comfortably and confidently ask for what I want?’, knowing that your … sovereignty thing doesn’t diminish their uh, sovereignty thing?
Me: Whoah.
*See translation here.
Putting the “sovereignty thing” into perspective.
One of the biggest things that keeps me from experiencing this … sovereignty thing is my stuckified fear that somehow me owning my own life will be uncomfortable for other people.
Then I remembered this bit from the Mishnah:
Bishvili nivra ha’olam. For me the world was created.
For me. But also for you. And also for everyone else in the world.
So … the principle is this: someone acting in sovereignty doesn’t need to step on or challenge anyone else’s sovereignty.
As in, I am the queen of my personal queendom just as you get to rule yours. My sense of “this space is safe for me” does not mean that I stop respecting yours.
Or: this sovereignty is a cool freaking thing and I’m going to care for it and love it.
The short version:
- No one else gets diminished by you standing in your own light.
- When you act out of sovereignty, the result is always gracious because you’re respecting both your own space and that of the person you’re interacting with.
- The more sovereignty each person has and experiences, the more everyone gets.
The cool part.
I have to save this for next time.
But I spent a week of my Extremely Necessary Vacation working on one small thing. A small thing that has to do with practicing being in sovereignty.
Every night. For six nights. And I took notes.
Which is good, because I was pretty terrible at it.
Anyway, tomorrow is the Friday Chicken (yay!) and Sunday I’m posting my Very Personal Ad for the week. But on Monday I’ll share the results of my six days of sovereignty practice, and where I’m going with that.
Comment zen for today …
What I would love: thoughts, musings, reactions related to the stuff I’m talking about and the sovereignty thing in general. What I’d rather not have: to have my stuff judged or psychoanalyzed, advice.
Thanks for being in this with me!
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Sovereignty rocks. Like Music with Rocks In. I’m with you in the fear that owning my life will make others uncomfortable with it.
Because, blimey have I spent most of my life living it for other people and I find each step of saying “no thanks, that’s not for me” a difficult and challenging one and I am required to have much freaky compassion for myself during the process.
Especially when I realised I have a problem with people who do have a modicum of sovereignty and I get all offended by them. When I realised that it wasn’t that they weren’t thinking of other people’s needs that was the problem but that I thought it was wrong for them to be biggified and soverign. I tell you – I stood there for about two minutes with a teaspoon in the air, poised over a cup of tea for about two minutes staring into space thinking “HUH!” when I realised this.
Sovereignty strikes me as a superb idea and one freaking brilliant way of being in this world and I realised there is no way I’ll be able to embody that until I’ve come to terms with the little girl inside who tells me I’m a bad, bad person and everyone else is bad who thinks in such a way. It is a huge pattern to unravel, but unravel it I shall. 🙂
.-= Wormy´s last blog ..Clothes! Hats! Men Dressing Up! Oh, Handbags and Hairstyles – it’s all happening here. =-.
Argh – strike out the second “for two minutes” would you? In your mind. Please. I didn’t realise.
.-= Wormy´s last blog ..Clothes! Hats! Men Dressing Up! Oh, Handbags and Hairstyles – it’s all happening here. =-.
Holy moly! This is just…wow. Yes! Stripey socks! This is the first time that “sovereignty” totally started to resonate with me. Maybe it’s the recognizing-everyone’s-sovereignty bit. And how sovereignty is one of those spiraling-upward things that just grows when we all step into it. Agh! Goosebumps!
Anybody got a fast-forward button to Monday? I can’t wait for the follow-up!
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Battle-Worn (A Chat with the General) =-.
You nailed it. How many times have I read that phrase in the Mishnah, but I never heard it. Thank you.
This right here I’m going to do up in a really pretty font, print out, decorate, frame, and hang on my wall:
“No one else gets diminished by you standing in your own light.”
I’ve been rolling that over in my mind for the past 15 minutes, and wow, is that powerful.
.-= Lori Paximadis´s last blog ..Studio Tour =-.
I was having trouble with this very same thing this morning. Dear Havi, you read my mind. Thank you for this!
Isn’t that an immensely powerful realization? It’s so hard for people to just ask for what they want – and mean it. Ask straight out, with the certainty behind them that they deserve to be heard and to have their needs met, and that being heard and having their needs met doesn’t mean that anyone else has to suffer or sacrifice.
Children can ask for what they want loudly and proudly, while still respecting others’ sovereignty. Where and when did we each lose this ability?
.-= Charlotte´s last blog ..5 Gmail Labs Widgets That Will Save You From Yourself =-.
This whole sovereignty theme is rocking my stripey socks, thank you very much Havi & Hiro. I can remember feeling uncomfortable asking for things starting at a pretty young age … there is a bit of untangling for me to do here. So basically, I can’t wait for more from you on this.
.-= Briana´s last blog ..When you realize you’re already “there” =-.
Dearest Havi, I love following along as you share your adventures with Sovereignty. It’s such an essential quality of our own goddedness.
We have the privilege, the power and the responsibility of shaping our lives, of bringing our wholeness into the world, and honoring the wholeness of every other being in the universe. As we stand in sovereignty, we step into our Divinity in a fuller way. Our radiance grows brighter, and illuminates not just our own lives, but the whole world around us. We are suns of the Great Sun.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Much love,
Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last blog ..Refugees: Remembering 9/11 =-.
This is one of the largest things I am tackling with my fiancée. I have no problem doing what I need to do or asking for what I need. She always feels obligated to bend her life around everyone else’s.
Boy did it shake her when I told her she was allowed to get back to people and see them on her own time, her own terms, and they would still love her and care for her.
You’ve already experienced this, as you said. You’ve set in place your rules of no e-mails. You’ve established the pirate queendom. This next step is no different.
Remember, most people are too busy thinking about themselves to care about the minor details of you and your life, the very minor details people sweat over every day. Do your thing, attract your people, and fly the pirate flag high.
.-= Jonathan Vaudreuil´s last blog ..Why you should hand out empty ice cream cones =-.
Bishvili nivra ha’olam. For me the world was created.
This…when I read this…I burst into tears.
It’s so obvious, and beautiful and true.
Physical signifiers are important, but they can be whatever you want. For many they act as signals to others “Hey, look at me with my big golf clubs. I am super successful. You want my stuff.”
But, they work best when they act as signifiers to ourselves.
I know a fellow who is a software engineer. He wears tevas. He’s kind of a geek. He also sports (incongruently) a little gold hoop earring.
One day I asked him about it. He said, “Pirates always wear a gold hoop, because if they needed to get home, they knew they had enough gold to trade for safe passage. I wear this earring to remind me of my sweethearts at home, and to not work to much.”
Then he teared up. It was his signifier, that he was safe on his journey and that he had what he needed to get home.
So, as you biggify, what would the physical signifier be that reminds YOU of your sovereignty? Perhaps a ring with a crown on it?
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..Special for the Month of October! =-.
“One of the biggest things that keeps me from experiencing this … sovereignty thing is my stuckified fear that somehow me owning my own life will be uncomfortable for other people.”
Oh my god I love you woman. You’ve just summed up my entire current “stuckified” state of being and slammed me up against the wall of my own concsiousness. I don’t even know how to thank you… except to say, “thank you for taking the time out to write this down and really process it for not only yourself, but for my own self as well.”
“my stuckified fear that somehow me owning my own life will be uncomfortable for other people.”
Yeah, the same here, that little voice that tells me that owning my own life is selfish and self-centered and that I will end up a lonely old woman unless I just give it all over to them/others.
I see other people owning their sovereignty and I admire them for it and I think “they are doing it and no one thinks they are bad/evil/wrong”.
Why can’t I do that for my ownself?
This year has been a wild ride of waking up to my sovereignty, of allowing and accepting and love. It is hard, it is scary, but most of all, I am seeing that people do still love me. And those that don’t wouldn’t no matter what I did.
Oh yeah, and I dug my own stripey socks out of hiding and chose to wear them today 🙂
.-= Andi´s last blog ..Taking the Leap =-.
Hi Sweetie,
You rock. As always. And I’m also loving this exploration of sovereignty and how it’s showing up in your life. I also know that struggle of fearing that if I shine, take up space, ask for what I want, be who I really am and live from my own power that I will somehow be taking something away from someone else.
But what I’m discovering more and more is that living from my bigness and my core essential self is actually an act of GENEROSITY of major proportions. Because it allows and invites other people to shine their own amazing light. Which is way more fun and satisfying for everyone involved!!
Thanks for being so unapologetically and unabashedly who you are. You are a joy to behold. And yes… More stripey socks!! Less golf clubs!!
Love you madly,
Chris
.-= chris zydel´s last blog ..Ghost Ranch 2009: Bringing The Magic Of Being On Retreat Back Home =-.
This is good stuff.
Everything comes down to respect for self-ownership.
Nobody has a legitimate claim to anyone else, or anyone else’s stuff, without permission granted. No one is legitimately obligated to another, without it being explicitly volunteered.
To claim otherwise, is to claim two sets of rules for humanity. It is to claim without cause, that some people’s lives are worth less than others. It is to claim that some people do not deserve the sovereignty they were born with.
There are some terrifyingly difficult implications to this knowledge. Like, how do we treat children? How do we treat each other? How do we order society?
But exploring those implications are well worth the effort…
Perhaps we all should wear stripey socks when we don’t go to SXSW next year.
P.S. I think awfully highly of your Gentleman Friend.
.-= Sonia Simone´s last blog ..What Makes Marketing Hard? =-.
Yes! I TOTALLY dig sovereignty. But I didn’t have a name for it until I started reading your blog. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So much.
I started doing the sovereignty thing a few years ago by learning how to say No. I would sit by myself and say the word “No” over and over again -like an athlete practicing a skill – and eventually it became a whole heck of a lot easier. My *body* grew accustomed to it and I wouldn’t wince internally when I said it to a real person.
Something else that helped me say No to people was an idea I read. Here’s the gist of it: You have the right to ask a person for something and they have the right to say yes or no. You *also* have the right to say yes or no. Not rocket science, but HUGE in my mind. It served as some kind of equalizer for me. Everybody’s free to say no. HUH. Epiphany.
My current inner work about sovereignty has to do with Worthiness. Oy. Whole other topic. It goes something like this: I have the right to my own world… but do I deserve it? Mmrh. The work continues.
Thank you for sharing your world. 🙂
The sovereignty thing fascinates me. Even remembering how to spell it does something for me as I recall its root ‘reign.’
For me the stuck is similar to that with using NVC. If I’m responsible for my feelings, words, self,… and intellectually, I believe I am, then it’s not right to blame any aspect of my circumstances on someone else. And that’s frightening in a way because of the awesome responsibility it puts on me as well as the sense that if things aren’t going well, then it’s my fault. I’m already good at beating myself up so it makes me leery of taking on the rest. But if I don’t, then I don’t get to take all the credit for the good either.
Hmm. Still figuring the sovereignty thing out. I do believe everyone owning their own stuff is better for the greater good. Looking forward to the follow up.
.-= claire´s last blog ..The tragically unhip, now with more moose! =-.
*sighs*
I get what you mean.
Unfortionally I am in a place where living my sovereignity means hurting someone else. That particular person can’t find personal bounderies (either her own or other peoples) if you hit her on the head with them, and so she demands and demands and demands without end, like a black hole. You see, she really, really is in pain herself and now feels that the world and everything and everyone in it OWES her big time, including me.
I’ve helped her so much, and it simply didn’t matter to her. She always wanted more.
I finally came to a place where I had to say “No”. She exploded at me. Yelled at me. Cried at me. Her stuff, yes. And thanks to what you teach here in the blog, I actually manage to weather the situation, without breaking down. (HUGE FREAKING THANK YOU for that, btw.) But now she’s talking bad about me behind my back and worse, dragging bystanders into her personal little crusade.
I’ve got to deal with it, but right now I don’t know where my sovereignity ends (every kingdom has borders, they’re important) and where my personal revenge and pettiness begins – because I’ve been hurt (alot!) and she’s hurting people I love and I am very, very ANGRY at her right now. And at the same time I know she hurts and that makes things… complicated.
It’s complicated, yes.
But since I started reading this blog, I learned about bounderies, thrown shoes, personal capacity, how to seperate my stuff from hers and now about sovereignity. It actually makes me capable of dealing with this bolshevik drama.
So I’m asking now “What do I want” in this situation and the whole thing suddenly became alot of clearer. I want to protect those who are mine (including myself) and she doesn’t belong into THAT group anymore. No one who tries to make me into a puppet does. I do not want to hurt or battle her, but there’s line I cannot let her cross. The sovereignety thing again, see? “Until here and not further!” And now I know I’ve got the options! To be polite and superficial, to withdraw, to simply talk to others and and lend aid to my loved ones.
(Woah. That became WAY longer than intended. Um, sorry about that. But, well, thanks again. This whole thing really triggered an epiphany.)
.-= Carina (@chalcara)´s last blog ..Abandoned Powerplant; photos of =-.
There’s really no better place to talk business than in a hot tub.
The hippie husband solves nearly all his major programming issues in the hot tub. I don’t like the chemicals so much, so I don’t go there as often. But I *do* get most of my A-HA moments in the bathtub. When I’m sick or stressed, I take at least two baths a day. Usually listening to one of the destuckification recordings. It works.
I think it’s water. Water makes everything better. Rivers, streams, lakes, oceans – who doesn’t feel better just hanging out by the water? It hydrates and heals. Water is a big deal.
Stripy socks!!
You introduced me to Sock Dreams. I need to take you out to the bestest awesomest dinner on the planet to thank you, because my life has been improved a zillion times over because of that.
Possibly not quite the positive impact you intended, but there you go. Positive impact from you to me. (:
I’m wearing stripy socks RIGHT NOW, in fact. Green-and-sea-foam ones. And I plan to wear orange-and-rust ones tomorrow, and black-and-red ones to my BFF’s wedding on Sunday. I’m IN the wedding, and I’m wearing stripy socks! Woot!
*smootchies*
.-= Kyeli´s last blog ..What we learned from your feedback on the contest, and how we will do better next time =-.
Owning your life is hard. It means that you are responsible for all that it is and is NOT.
As I stroll around the crowded sea of Manhattan, I sometimes vision myself to be a little island that nobody cares to compliment or denigrate. Why? I cannot be seen.
In this self made isolation, I feel safe and well enough to do anything I desire.
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last blog ..Love, Loss and What You wore? =-.
YES. (Again.)
In 2006, I hammered out a statement that reflected a massive inner milestone: I am entitled, other things being equal, to arrange my life in a manner I find satisfactory.
In 2008, I added a second statement: I do not have to pay for happiness with misery. (Meaning that if I do something simply because makes me happy, I don’t have to make sure I “balance it out” by putting myself through something unpleasant later on. Srsly.)
This year, I’ve revisited the first statement and realised that “other things being equal” has to go – because it represents my habit of basing my decisions on other people’s reactions (real or anticipated). The statement is at least as true without that phrase.
All my life, I have lacked a firm place to stand, from which I can experience the kind of faith in self that you describe. I think I am finally growing that place for myself. The sense of peace is something else.
Sovereignty. Thank you for putting a name to it.
.-= Lean Ni Chuilleanain´s last blog ..Remember September? =-.
Thank you for this post. It was nice to read something like this at the end of such a bad day. Funnily enough, I happened to tell my gentleman friend earlier today that the fact that we did *not* have a long talk about our businesses during our last vacation definitely has something to do with how bad this day was for me! Now, we have to schedule an extremely necessary business talk in the middle of a huge rush, and that’s no fun at all.
Here’s to good long business talks in hot tubs during vacation! 🙂
.-= Josiane´s last blog ..Practicing body poetry with Havi =-.
“No one else gets diminished by you standing in your own light.” I’m gonna write that on my bathroom mirror. 🙂 Standing in my own light feels awkward and uncomfortable, but I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to!
I want to tell you, Havi, that I’ve learned so much from you and your community of friends about giving myself permission to take care of myself. That’s an odd concept when you’re not acquainted with it and it’s taken quite a bit of practice. Today, I was freaking out about some work stuff (too much work, not enough time…same old story!). I decided to take a nap, which ended up lasting for several hours. I’ve been so tired and haven’t been resting, and then when I try to work, I’m not being productive at all. So, today, I decided to recharge the old batteries. And that was HARD! Usually, if I take time off in the middle of the week to do something like that, I end up feelig guilty and then depressed, and then I’m even less productive than if I hadn’t stayed home to recharge. Not today, though. I lay in bed and gave myself permission to rest so that I could be my best self. Yay! I don’t feel 100% better, but I feel better enough that I think I can be productive and meet those (stupid, STUPID!) deadlines without killing myself (or anybody else, for that matter!). So, thanks, everyone!! I’m glad to be getting to know you and getting to learn from you!
I think I need to tattoo ‘claiming my sovereignty does not diminish anyone else’s sovereignty’ on my hand. Seriously. So true. Also so hard to believe. Thanks for the reminder.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Time Management =-.
You mean, this *wasn’t* the cool part? I can hardly wait for Monday!
I’m so happy that you’ve chosen to focus on sovereignty, Havi. I’ll be working on my own, right alongside you, because I need this too, and because sovereignty loves company!
Strikes me that the whole sovereignty thing is kind of like an orchestra (arkestra?)… Everybody needs to sing their song, play their drum, and toot their own horn confidently, knowing that by doing so they are part of creating something larger than themselves. Yes, there will be people off-key, but if each of us stops worrying about them and focuses on playing their instrument joyfully and without reservation, we’ll all make beautiful music together.
It’s the same with a pirate ship. You are the captain, not because you took the job from someone else who deserves it better, but because you were the right person. Sometimes your circumstances choose you and you have to “fake it till you make it”. Whenever you start to doubt yourself as the Pirate Queen, remember that you could only remain that if your crew kept their confidence in you (and there’s no shortage of people here and around the internets that count themselves proud members in standing of your wacky pirate ship and happy you’re at its helm).
Oh, and tell Stu, “Standing on the monkey wockle.” He’ll know what it means…
Bishvili nivra ha’olam. For me the world was created.
For everyone.
So so so powerful.
Thank you!! xxooo
Ohmygoodness. There is so much interesting stuff in here that I don’t even know where to start. It’s like, food for thought for a year.
I’m just feeling really inspired right now. And relieved. It’s kind of nice to belong to a mad stripey-socked clan. Yay!
Also:
@Gilbert – Monkey wockle!
I just have to chime in by saying that you, Havi, have made a huge difference in the way I take care of myself. I am grateful for the way you think, because it’s encouraged me to stretch my mind and heart as well. Reading through these amazing responses, I can see that you have touched many, many people’s lives, in truly tangible ways. We’re all the healthier for you. And hopefully we’re learning how to take credit for our role in that healthiness, too.
Thank you, Havi!
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Still Feeling Defensive… =-.
@Wormy! Are you a fellow Pratchett fan? Go Pterry!
@Jonathan – you and my Sean would get along smashingly – he too is occasionally flabbergasted by my socialized-female-thing-of-adapting-to-prove-love-or-worth. I don’t always agree with him and he’s had to learn how to say things so I hear them right (and not as criticism), but keep it up, very gently.
There are, alas, people in the world who genuinely object when they see another person else claim their own sovreignty, and my current goals are to a) not be like one of those people too often (even seemingly harmless cattiness surrounds me in the wrong vibe, I’ve realized) and b) not have to deal with anti-sovreignists on a regular basis ever again.
Which is why I’m looking for a new job or jobs and why I am really looking forward to Monday, to see the exercise described 🙂
Lovely weekend wishes!
fear that somehow me owning my own life will be uncomfortable for other people
Well, I think this is true in some cases. There are some people who would find that uncomfortable to witness. Not to say it was harmful to them, but that they wouldn’t like the feelings they had about it, and then they might get cross, “Grump grump, who does she think she is”.
But on the other hand there’s all of us going “Wow, so cool to hear about Havi exploring sovereignty, really inspiring and thought provoking!” We want role models for what that looks like, and you are being one! That is an immensely valuable thing to bring to the world!
Not that that makes the grumpy people magically disappear, and it seems to me that investigating how to be (unsquashed yet not entirely uncompassionate) with people experiencing those emotions is an inescapable part of investigating sovereignty. But meanwhile maybe the enthusiastic people loving you and cheering you on could be considered to sort of outvote the grumpy ones 🙂
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..International Celebrate Bisexuality Day =-.
Just what I needed to read and ponder. Thank you!
I remember the joy of feeling very sovereign when I was first allowed to take a public bus by myself. I was going to school. The bus (or shame train) was not glamorous. But I was in charge. I had potential to go anywhere — I even had a free transfer!
Signifiers of seriousness are also a tough question for me. Who am I trying to show off for? Do I need to show off to myself, and if so, why use other people’s language? Then again, why waste time making up my own language? Sometimes, part of my block is that outwardly I don’t act like my brilliant fried E, so I must not be brilliant. Too black and white. For me the world was created!
Off to find a hot tub for biggifying talk!