It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Cozy Warm Unitards!
The amazing Barbara Sher has this technique called CWUs that I use all the time. It stands for Complete Willingness Unit, and what it means is that you only do tiny things that don’t trigger resistance.
So if I’m working on a writing op, and I don’t want to start, my CWU might be just putting my notebook on the table. Or it might be asking myself what I might want to write about later if I happen to feel like writing.
I have trouble (this is just me) with the phrase Complete Willingness Unit because it sounds cold and metallic and like something that happens on a sci-fi show that takes place in space, so I make up my own words to fit the acronym.
Crimson Witchy Undergarments! Cat Whip Umbrellas! Clandestine Winding Up! Cornish Wind Utensils! Creative Whale Urbanization! Carefree Wandering Unicorns! Colorful Wombat Usurpers!
This week I took absurdly tiny steps, and it worked for me.
Next time I might…
Avoid the 6.
I already know about this, but then I forget.
The #6 bus is not a good place for me to be, and I always take it, and I always regret it.
This week I had a classic 6 moment when I chose to sit by the one person who did not seem to be (possibly-probably-potentially) dangerous, and then he immediately started yelling about the queen and staring at me while making squawking sounds.
I have a really hard time with situations of “I can’t read what’s happening”. Like, maybe you’re just going to talk about the queen, which is fine by me, except the intel you are giving me is that you are Unpredictable, and Anything Could Happen, and this is uncomfortable.
I have already had too many incidents (on the 6!) that ended in not-good. The problem with avoiding the 6 is that it means a lot of walking, something my knee does not love at the moment. But right now my main goal is feeling safe and secure in daily life, so let’s do things that support that.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- I had high hopes for this being the week that my knee got better, and instead it was a lot of up and down. My lover whisked me away for a much-needed day off in the trees, except my knee didn’t like sitting in the car and really didn’t like climbing into and out of the camper, and squatting to pee is horrible, and yes, I know there are devices for this as well as badass and trans-boy-approved self-training methods that I could/should be working on in order to master the art of peeing standing up, but right now all I want is a lot of OH NO POOR YOU about my knee. Pain is just not fun and right now there is a lot of it. A breath for release and relief.
- And now my right hip is hurting too, in addition to the left knee, and this is just stupid. A breath for Shmita, because that is what is needed.
- Still no dancing and I want to be dancing. A breath for comfort.
- Got triggered during an interaction and went numb. And a twenty year reunion is happening for a thing that was [traumatic] for me, and all sorts of stuff is coming up around that. A breath for noticing and taking care of myself.
- Aaaaugh there is really no good way to run into an ex, but does it have to be when I haven’t showered in three days and am wearing my oldest grubbiest clothes, no makeup, hair a disaster? I mean, over the past couple years I have imagined what it would be like to run into him, and I have imagined this on many, many occasions, and in my imagination I always look way more put together. I have heard people say “and I just wanted the earth to open and cover me up”, and I think “no no no think about what you are saying you do not want that at all”, but in that moment, yes, I seriously just wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. Also he said, “I hope you know I’m not mad at you. You know that, right?” UM EXCUSE ME WHAT. If anyone should be mad at anyone, I should be mad at you, the person who Mysteriously Disappeared, which resulted in a lot of pain. I mean, I’m not mad, it was years ago and I got over it. But still. And maybe I’m not mad but maybe I still have a lot of leftover insecurity and overly-cautious-scared-to-show-that-I-like-someone from that. And now I shall disappear into a saferoom where I am always getting a facial and I look glowing and radiant and only have amazing clothes, forever, ta da! You are all welcome to say things like “WTF, dude” and “”Havi, you always look outrageously hot, this is a known fact”. A breath for sending all of that to the magical elevator shaft: whoosh!
- People I love so deep in their stuff that they are believing the stories they spin in their head. A breath for presence and for holding truth quietly in my heart.
- The Floop, my beautiful online private community for practicing self-fluency and sovereignty, now in the sixth year of my ongoing experiment with some form of this, ended this week. We are going into a couple weeks of Dry Dock as we do each year, and then it will be something new. I will miss everyone, and I already miss having a designated space to process. And endings — even the most beautiful ones, and this was an exceptionally beautiful one — are complex creatures. A breath for ease-filled transitions.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Knee has been giving me breaks from the pain. Whole hours of not-hurting, this is amazing. A breath of appreciation and gratitude for this.
- When I was panicking about the run-in with the ex, Max said: “Hey, listen, your radiance and unicornness does not come from a store, it is innate!“. A breath for being reminded of truth.
- Leslie Knope! A breath for the joy that is this season of Parks And Rec. And Donna and Joe’s wedding: thank you thank you thank you. Well, not their wedding so much as everything Jennifer Barkley says in that episode which is all the things I say in my head.
- Saturday night with my lover. And sitting across from him in the camper, both of us working, his hand on my ankle or foot, the way he is smiling at me every time I look up. A breath for a full heart.
- I finally got to see Adiv, my wonderful childhood friend who has been in town since AUGUST and we have both been busy and traveling and nothing ever works out. The curse is lifted! A breath for friendship.
- The ex of the Mysterious Disappearance wrote to me after our Awkward Run-In, and explained everything that happened two years ago in a way that was honest, vulnerable and kind, and there is nothing I value more than that. I will also add that it really helps to have that extra intel, which confirms that, as usual, all my insecurity monsters were completely wrong about everything, and that the best thing to do in life is always Assume Misunderstanding. A breath for an unsolved mystery suddenly solved, and all the superpowers of that.
- While I am sad about the Floop ending, I am overjoyed about how it ended with ZERO DRAMA this year, and I was so impressed watching people exit in conscious, intentional, rally-like ways, glowing-love for the space, the experience, themselves and each other, and ohmygod thank you. Plus the Secret S-Word Society is happening! Plus now I can hear the inside of my head again. I am so looking forward to the beautiful thing that is the SWOOP BOOP BADOOP! A breath for joy, for appreciation of what was and excitement for what is coming.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Moving forward on the Playground op and on the house op and other forms of Releasing, and there is much steady Slowly But Surely, and this helps. Finally set a date for the next big op with the beautiful boy. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Even more Playground-emptying. Sent out not one but TWO Internalship ebooks. Did a bunch of writing about important stuff. Prepping the new op. Thank you fractal flowers and thank you, FLOOP! Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
Creating safety for the panicky jitters…
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the power of appreciating something I have that I didn’t know I had.
Powers I want.
I want, again, the superpower of Totally Unfazed By Any Of This. And I want the power of I Let Myself Really Know What I Want Instead Of Hiding It From Myself Out Of Fear.
The Salve of I Let Myself Really Know What I Want.
This salve reminds me a little bit of chamomile in that it is so much more soothing than it has the right to be, and it reminds me a little bit of tiger balm in that it wakes me up more than I think it will. Calming and invigorating, in equal doses.
When I wear it, I feel safe, steady and also revitalized, ready.
Suddenly is so much permission. Yes, it may be that the monsters are right and I will discover that the thing I want is not currently an option. However, it is much more likely that I can integrate aspects of what I want right now. And that knowing my desire cannot hurt me, even when I think it will tear apart my life.
When I wear this salve, I trust more and stop agonizing over details. I get out of my thinky-head and sink into quiet spaces of faith. I approach the fountain with reverence: here, fountain, let me show you my pain, instead of approaching the fountain with complaints and or not allowing myself to approach it at all.
This salve eases and releases, which is so perfect because this is the Year of Easing & Releasing. It is safe to know, it is safe to love, it is safe to desire, it is safe to turn inward and meet myself as I am in this moment, with sweetness.
This is a hell of a salve, is what I’m saying.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Agent Anna, and she actually made ALBUM ART for this one, which I can’t get to right now for complicated reasons but trust me, it is awesome and I think the Fake Band of the Week should always have album art. The band is called Intimacy Sluts, their latest album is Mediocre At Routine, and it might or might not be just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
There is still time to join the Secret Sword Society, embarking at the end of February! It’s the only thing I’m doing this year, and it’s also temporarily half-off for current members of the Floop…
And I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
The Hard:
– my head is full of SAD and sad and I’m not sure what else but I’m fed up with it.
– crowds and squeaky doors and squeaky chairs and footsteps on gravel and my bike helmet makes me feel like someone’s put a vice on my head and is strangling me and coffee machines
– and yes I would look into HSP but you would not believe how much stuff I have around the S
– [work thing] and then [work thing]
– weird shit
The Good:
– I did really well at shit not being about me. I am really proud of this because there is definitely some kind of shit going on but I did not (as about twenty past-mes really, really wanted to) make it about me. Sparklepoints!
– leaving the house an hour later than I really want to at least means that it’s daylight all the way.
– happy email
– I am writing stuff and it’s good.
– fish and chips!
Cluck cluck cluck. Happy Friday to all the Chickeneers!
Ah, Friday. You are a lovely Friday.
The Wonderful.
1. A visit to the dentist. Yes. I went despite my most massive anxiety over the dentist and the fact that 97% of my feelings about myself, my relationships, my money, my success as a business person and my self worth are tied up in my teeth. (Woah, back away from the bars.) But my teeth were fine and healthy, and he told me how he could fix the one I hate and the others that are trying to relocate and I left happy and calm. And with a plan.
2. The post-anxiety sleepiness once the adrenaline leaves your body. I love it, and plan to go home and nap.
3. Canceling acting class and feeling further stress dissolving away.
4. New clients.
5. Old friends and getting to see them again tonight and wanting to hug them and love them and call them George.
“I’m just gonna spend my time doing exactly what I wanna do because I don’t have children” 😀
Ha! Priceless
Friday.
The Hard:
– I am so frustrated by the situation of [betrayal], and especially by not being able to talk about it because lawyers. Like, this is the biggest hardest thing in my life for 6 months now (four since we found out it was my best friend/lover despite him swearing it wasn’t him), and I borderline can’t discuss it with anyone.
And I’m so so so mad and I want to be able to do something or maybe slap someone but all I can do is wait for the court and the lawyers and hope [very bad thing doesn’t happen]. Sometimes it all bothers me less, but this week it bothers me much more.
– I don’t like feeling angry and I want to not feel angry and it’s all very tough.
– I cannot watch my kid all week and be even halfway functional or present. And at the same time, I really really can’t get less than 8-9 or even more hours of sleep in a day. I haven’t figured out how to get more than 6 hours a sleep (interrupted) a night since she started preschool. She needs preschool. I need preschool. But I can’t get so little sleep.
– Even with her in preschool Monday-Thursday, I have to take care of her all day long all by myself Saturday and Sunday and I hate it. Where are the weekend daycares? Aren’t there other people who work Saturday-Wednesday?
– And thus, the week was pretty awful. Understatement.
– I am to the point with our kitchen where even thinking about it inspires nausea. And we found the perfect piece of furniture to go in there and these people told us we could come get it at 5pm but then texted at 3 to say they’d sold it. We could have come at 3! We could have come at 7 in the freaking morning. And who knows if this furniture would have actually helped but I think so.
– I still haven’t answered my emails. It’s been more than a month.
The Good:
– I started painting again! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!
– Taking the bus. I love the bus, and so does Scarlet, and we had so much fun.
– Every day she says a new word or phrase. It’s all very exciting. Today was “my foot is under the blanket,” but she said it completely in Spanish.
– Getting back out into the yard.
– Scored some free well-amended organic garden dirt just as I was wondering how I could possibly afford enough for my raised beds. Answer: spend zero dollars. And my raised beds are made of similarly free urbanite. Craigslist ninja!
– I got an initial interview for the teaching job-like thingy I want. Tentative excitement, though I am quite possibly the world’s worst interviewee. At least I got an interview, and I’m going to try my hardest. Next week I’m practicing finding the interview location, to ease my HSP self into it all.
Yea painting again!!
I woke up from a nightmare this morning that was so vivid I had to try to interpret it. What I came up with was… it’s time to leave Twitter. Social media, as a whole, is a multi-part experiment that has… failed. I cannot use it to do what I need it to do.
Unlike other endings, tho, this time I said goodbye. And a few people have said nice things. I will stay in touch with some.
It was worth doing. But now it’s time for different adventures.
Agreed so hard! <3
Hi, Friday. Hello, Chickeneers. I’m glad to be here with you.
What worked? The Flow Chart of Spaciousness. I think I may be playing with that a *lot* this year. Spaciousness is an S-word, after all. <3
Next time… I don't know. Except deep down, I probably do know. So maybe next time, I'll use this as a stone to skip, song lyric style: "Don't know much about ______ …but I do know _________"
Hard: I seem to be having a little trouble with momentum — a sense of being in some ruts. Some of them I'd like to change into grooves, and some I might like to escape altogether.
Good: Oh, the usual suspects — music-making, morning pages and artist dates, living with people who love me, connecting with kind and wise people online — and wow, isn't *fantastic* that these are such usual good things in my life? A breath for *that*.
Farewell and thank you, Floop. Welcome, oh welcome, Swoop. I'm lighting a candle for both of you. <3
Superpower of Peaceful Play: activate!
Dear Havi, As usual, I think you’re magic. I love coming here to read about how you practice self fluency and navigate through the yuck and the yum of your life.
So, so, sorry about your knee pain – that sucks! Totally with you on the WTF about “I’m not mad at you” from ze ex. Also glad that the follow up communication cleared things up in that department. As for your desire to dance again, I hope you have dreams of dancing your heart out in your favorite outfit tonight.
In my world…
Hard:
– Someone I love a lot is mixed up in a lot of things. It’s impacting me, in mostly terrible ways. I want to help, but I can’t, because it’s one of those things they have to help themselves through. Plus, because I’m kind of a mess, I know I’m not seeing things clearly. Where’s my oxygen mask again?
– Despair related to the above. Questioning my sanity more than I like and wishing I could turn back the clocks. Like by a lot. Basically not liking what is at all.
– Lack of sleep.
– Being so far into other people’s business that I’m actually lonely and feeling depressed.
Blessings:
– Finally crashing out for a nap this afternoon and waking up in the pitch dark. Sooo nourishing.
– 10 minutes of solid smiling with friends last night. Needed and cherished.
– A different someone close to me is gonna be a mama for the first time! And she lives nearby, so I’m thrilled about being a local auntie.
– Finding those just right books and teachers that are saying things that I need to hear right now. Really, really grateful for this because I’m definitely in need of some help to come back to myself.
– Remembering to come here for a dose of practical self awareness. Thank you, Havi. <3
Sending healing vibes for your knee. And my knee, and the knees of 2 other people I know. Apparently it’s that kind of week.
The hard
— I’m in a situation at work where I have confidential information about problems a co-worker is causing. Both the problems themselves and the extra bonus problems created as a result of keeping it from my other co-workers is wreaking havoc on my life. A breath for patience, kindness, perspective, and taking the high road.
— Super stressed out about upcoming Major Life Transition. A breath for remembering that nothing is improved by worry.
— The stress from the 2 Hards above is preventing me from enjoying my life as it is now. A breath for remembering that now is the moment we have in which to live.
— Inundated by the grief and rage of people around me. A breath for That Is Not Mine and This Doesn’t Require a Response.
The Good
— I managed to do several hard, scary things this week even though they were hard and scary. All the sparklepoints.
— My current level of anxiety is completely unreasonable given the current state of my life, and it’s at least nice to recognize when that’s true.
— I’ve gotten lots of information about what I don’t want, and that’s useful information to have.
Complete Willingness Unit sounds *exactly* like a sci-fi space assimilation device. “Resistance is futile!”
Crimson Witchy Undergarments sound much nicer. 🙂
Havi! POOR YOU! about the knee! And WTF dude! And — you always look hot; this is a known fact, and it is innate!
I have a knee problem too! I need to find out what this means for me.
What worked: focusing on the qualities of what I wanted for particular situations.
Next time: I might not want to include Exploration in the qualities of what I want for a trip. Use the eight-foot ladder.
What a week! We spent last weekend visiting MrB’s younger brother and his family: the six-month-old grandchild was the focus and reason for the visit, and it was lovely. The trip itself was hard on me, harder than I expected. But it was good for MrB and I loved seeing him so happy.
Pain. This week has been about pain. I fell Monday – landing flat on my back *and head*. Concussion was suspected but I don’t have one. I had to cancel some stuff because I was on pain meds. I taught two classes anyway — I had someone drive me to the college — and on Thursday I was able to drive myself to the cafe for the rescheduled Tuesday Talk. I could focus on conversations but when there was a lull, my mind kind of floated off.
And the fall triggered lots of other pains so that doing anything hurts, and so does doing nothing.
On the plus side: the quilt is hung, temporarily and will be affixed more permanently tomorrow. I’m doing the Artist’s Way and this week, week 2, the exercises were particularly fun. People care. The massage I got on Wednesday helped a lot. I have books and audio books. When we were stranded, I was able to call and get help from W. I didn’t catch cold (yet). Babies and dogs that belong to other people are so much fun. MrB is not fading away like he did last winter and SAD has not got me in its grip.
To all the chickeneers: cheers for the good and hugs for the hard! May all be well with you.
Oh, and I need to add to the good: MOOCs. I am in the midst of several online courses and enjoying them a lot.
Yay, Vicki about the MOOCS. I love MOOCS.
It is still Friday two thousand miles west of me, and I have the superpower of doggypaddling across assorted time-space continuums in any case.
What worked: Roasting the beef. Making the sloppy joes. Skipping the cucumber soup.
Next time: Let the buses go by. Leave their schedules unread.
Hard:
* Still coughing, and assorted anxious-awkward moments because of it.
* Not as far along on [x] as I’d planned to be by now.
* Having to ask yet again for some red-tape de-tapefying. As in, I have been begging for over a year for these things to be resolved, and I am so frustrated that I cannot simply fix them myself instead of having to coax the person-who-must-jump-through-the-hoops through said hoops.
* Not getting through one of my own hoops this morning b/c the parking situation around the government building in question is so OMGWTFBBQ gnarly.
* Man, I did not want to deal with that light coming on this week.
Good:
* I can walk to that building some other day, and I can take an extra-long lunch if necessary.
* Reliable warning sensors = peace of mind.
* New bookshelf in my office. Yay, order!
* The people-watching at tonight’s show was SO fun! And the dancing woman from Dallas who came over to chat with me was especially awesome.
* Net gain from Sunday’s gig included solid applause, a tarot deck, and a referral.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Oh, hard week! You were hard. Extra <3 for me this hard week.
Breathing for the tangles.
+A breath for the Rogue Agent. Goodbye. Breathing for sovereignty. Breathing for sadness. Breathing for heartbreak. Noticing that hearts break sometimes, they are breakable and fixable.
+A breath for the Bologna Delivery. Didn’t really need that again, thanks. Force field, activate!
+A breath for the Endless Sea, for its Choppy Waters, for the Unpopped Corn. Breathing for all of it. Breathing for the container that carries it. Breathing for all the past mes that have Sailed this before, for all the future mes that will Sail it again.
+A breath for the Rainbow Festering. Fester on, festerers. Enjoy your fest. Love, Voldemort.
+A breath for the stupid Strawberry Door. I didn’t even want you in the first place! Thanks for helping me recognize that! Observing that this is just one Post-It, there may be other notes, all the notes are okay (even if they contradict each other).
+A breath for the River Plant, breathing for the me who Blankies it, breathing for the me who knew what it was like Before, breathing for the me who knows what it will be like After.
+A breath for the Cow Flutter Stethoscope that isn’t really a thing but just a bunch of made up things that don’t really address the real thing, like a proxy gone bad and imposed upon the masses.
+A breath for Banana Peel. Yes, you’re there. Hi.
Breathing for donuts
+A breath for Canis Major, still doing its thing.
+A breath for breathing, because breathing is good.
+A breath for Operation Sea Queue. A breath especially for Operation Great iDeer (ohmygod this is the best proxy name EVER)
+A breath for the Cabin. Hello, Cabin!
+A breath for Project Orfeo. Breathing life into this. Yes.
+A breath for rest. All the rest.
+A breath for Project MYOG. Perhaps we shall throw it a Festival.
+And of course, a breath for all the Nude Falconry.
Bathing myself in sovereignty. Splashing in giant puddles of it. Slurping it through a sttraw. Rolling around in it. Scrubbing my skin and my hair with it. Soaking it in through my pores. Blowing bubbles of it. AAAAAAAHHHHHH, Sovereignty.
And my fake band of the week is: The De-Escalators! ::everyone cheers::
cheers, chickeneers!
+chicken amnesty
+he won. he won. he won.
+Floop-Swoop drydock: quiet refresh
+a day off
+sun and a bit chill – perfect
+daffodils are coming out
-another headache.
-need more or better sleep
-saying a no, which ultimately is good, but was hard to do
-Floop-Swoop drydock: missing connections
How lovely that the ex of the Mysterious Disappearance followed up and now there is no mystery. Endings are always so much easier to process without mystery. “assume misunderstanding” is a great guideline, I must remember it … I am pretty good about not taking things personally but it never hurts to remind one’s self.