Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Mmmmmm.
First VPAs of the new year.
Hi there, year.
I’m practicing wanting what I want.
So let’s do this.
Thing 1: setting things up for next-day me.
Here’s what I want:
To constantly be enjoying the tiny little presents that yesterday-me planted for today.
And to set things up for tomorrow-me.
Like putting fuzzy slippers by the bed.
Like placing my new bus pass where I can easily get to it.
Like having a jar of pens on the not-a-vanity-table (which itself is a gift from a Very Personal Ad, or from one-hundred-and-eight-weeks-ago-me).
Ways this could work:
Possibly some secret agent code words.
Maybe some stone skippings.
Or I could interview Slightly Future me, and see what she would find helpful.
I’ll play with:
Noticing all the places where I already do take care of myself.
Appreciating the sneaky presents that are already here.
Thank you, yesterday-me for having the presence of mind to get epsom salts for this morning’s bath.
Thing 2: reflecting on my twelve wishes for the year.
Here’s what I want:
Lots and lots of reflectings!
Reflecting is a word that metaphor mouse gave me because I loathe collage. But whoops, I secretly love cutting up words and images, and assembling them. Which, oh god how embarrassing, is totally collage!
So yes, if you call it collage, I will never do it. But I will gleefully do reflectings.
Anyway, I have twelve wishes for this incoming year.
And I want to reflect on them. WITH SCISSORS.
Ways this could work:
My partner-in-crime and I can take this to the Playground. We can hole up in the arts and crafts room, and pretend we’re on Rally (Rally!).
I’ll play with:
Costumes. Tea. Making space for this.
Talking to any walls that come up, or negotiating when I run into internal rules about why I’m not allowed to wish for these things.
Thing 3: entering the exiting so as to enter the entering.
Here’s what I want:
I was just talking to Cairene the other week about how uncomfortable we both find the practice of reviewing the year-that-was during the month of December, while you’re still in it.
This year I’ve decided to make January a month of reflecting (with and without scissors) on the year that was. Right now I’m still in that dazed “what just happened?!” place. And I’d like to spend some time processing the exiting before (or while) I enter the entering.
Ways this could work:
An Absconding!
Maybe I’ll go visit my wonderful uncle Svevo and hide in the woods.
More reflecting. Um, let me reflect on that and get back to you!
Maybe the Book of Me will have some ideas.
I’ll play with:
Paying attention.
Trusting that all roads leads to entry.
Finding the doors.
Thing 4: a new relationship with January.
Here’s what I want:
I want a new January. A new me-and-January together.
The past three Januaries have been so challenging.
The yearly January tempest-in-a-teapot collective freakout session (which is never going to happen again, because me-from-four-months-ago is a GENIUS) at my Kitchen Table program has made January all about dealing with other people’s pain being directed at me.
And January has always been crazy booked for me with clients and teaching and plans. Last January I ran two Rallies, the previous January I taught the amazing destuckification retreat in California, the year before was devoted to setting up the systems and structures so that I could go on email sabbatical.
So I’m feeling really appreciative towards past-me who decided that these January patterns get to change this year.
THIS January is going to be about rest, recovery, consolidation, revue. Entering the new year through taking time to consciously exit the year that was.
I’m setting up January to be slow and contemplative rather than following the bigger cultural push to be busy doing and creating.
In fact, I am just now realizing how dissonant and incongruent it seems (to me!) to try to follow that cultural push at a time when my body wants to be in hibernation. So yay, sovereign decisions. Now to figure out how this is going to work.
Ways this could work:
Through play.
Through shivanautical epiphanies!
I’ll play with:
I am beginning this year with wishes.
And with time to let these wishes sleep and grow.
And this is is totally different than any other kind of beginning that I have ever given myself.
I’m going to try to follow my instincts as much as possible. Body first.
Thing 5: costumes for the Incoming Director
Here’s what I want:
I know that costumes are magic.
Especially when bringing in a new aspect or identity.
Right now I’m setting things up for the Incoming Director. Shhhh, it’s me!
What does the Director wear? How does she feel? What does she need?
That’s what I’m trying to figure out.
Ways this could work:
Asking lots of questions.
Maybe an interview?
Trying stuff on.
I’ll play with:
Trust.
The director knows what’s good. Just ask her.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted to set up a Rendezvous that I had been dreading. This happened! Both the setting-up and the rendezvous itself. And something completely magical happened during the rendezvous, and it gave me an incredibly valuable piece of information at exactly the right time. YAY! I’m so glad I asked for help with this.
Then I wanted to drink lots of tea, which was kind of a proxy. And it happened! Both the tea part and the proxying.
I asked for two of everything (certain things), and first steps have been taken.
Then I wanted to release/process a fear of a thing that’s happening, and I’m feeling EXUBERANT about what’s coming. Yes. So that worked.
And finally, I wanted to trust what I know, and I think that’s working. Thank you.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
p.s. If you also want to begin this year with conscious entry, the material in the Art of Embarking is really useful. And it’s the prerequisite for everything we’re doing this year because how we enter something changes what happens once we’re in it.
Which is kind of intense. But also really amazing.
Follow
Can I just say that Svevo is an utterly cool name?
Thank you for mentioning the Art of Embarking in this connection. You’re a genius.
Feeling so much gratitude for this new year! So glad to be Entering into it as consciously as i have.
Grateful for seeing old patterns so clearly, and for more re-working of them.
Grateful for the beautiful patterns emerging. Or rather, being able to see the patterns. So grateful for finding keys and clues big and small. So delighted by how they really are fractals and they really do bloom. Lots of buds.
My gwish is for more of this in 2012.
What I want: For January, I would liek continued Ease, and Rest and Revue. Making things ShipShape is a priority and I want it done with Ease and Gentleness.
WTCW: Flail on it. Set a reasonable goal for a day, and don’t ush past it. Ask for help. And silent retreat as necessary.
Remember a brilliant comment recently about my onw expectations setting un-sovereign circumstances. Brilliant.
I keep drawing pictures and making maps and making proxies–Snowflakes! The Island!–for a good reason. The clues are there, but I need to Study the Map in Order to Chart the Course.
My commitment: To flail. To ask Future Me. To be kind and Let SHit Go. Being kind includes to me. To declare silent retreat as necessary
To chekc in with myself a few times every day and ask “How am I right now?” and to really pat attention to what comes up. Journal on this.
I want: to move to NE PDX this year! Wheeeeeee! After five years of thinking about moving into Portland itself, I realized on Friday that I am finally ready and all my perceived objections to moving have dissolved.
How this could happen: Magic and serendipity and right and perfect timing.
Things I can play with: Daydreaming! Finding the qualities/essence. Continuing with my building community ideas for right here and not shelving them (as is my usual pattern) now that I know I want to move eventually.
The moving VPA is tied up with another VPA, which I will Silent Retreat on. And then I have another secret VPA which I will also Silent Retreat on, because it feels a little silly and I feel a little shy about it.
I want: a kitty friend for Atlas, someone he can visit occasionally or regularly and follow around and let boss him around.
How this could happen: I am not at all sure. It could happen like it’s happened all the other times – we just stumble across an outdoor kitty that likes dogs and they become friends – but those kitties always seem to disappear eventually and then Atlas looks for it forever after.
Things I can play with: I am also not sure. I will think about this and see what comes up.
Sending love and good wishes to everyone’s VPAs.
Hurrah for VPA day! Really intrigued by the Incoming Director.
UPDATE on VPAs-of-2-wks-ago – Things happen so differently than I expect! The segue into the horrorday season was not gentle at all, but being *in* it was. The results desired from that came through – navigating and/or breaking the patterns was surprisingly easy. I’m going to spend some time this week contemplating my expectations vs. my realitations…
So for this coming week, my VPAs are:
Thing #1 – Rally! Mojo Time
So much stuff! Art of Embarking and Navigational Charts and Shiva Nata and! Which means I ask for whatever time and space is best for me to start conscious entry.
Blooms For It:
– Successful implementation of Art of Embarking rituals
– More time for Shiva Nata in my day
– Maybe enough time to finally change the Book of Me into the Book of Mes?
What I’ll Plant:
– Breathing!
– Place proxies for it in my workspace. A new feather, or a decorated key, or something.
Thing #2 – Job Workspace Happiness
I’m in a new workspace at the job & just want it to feel like mine.
Blooms For It:
– Not sure what to put here. Leaving it up to the seeds to determine what the blooms look like.
What I’ll Plant:
– Will bring things that feel more like me into the space & see how they fit
– Will look for a good calendar
– Something purple!
Loads of mojo rah cha cha to everyone for their VPAs, & a wholehearted sigh for gentle entries into January.
What I want: the perfect illustrator/artist (water-colorist!) to paint approximately 7 scenes for a story I wrote that looks/reads like a children’s story but is meant for adults.
This artist is reliable, timely, responsible, and loves my story and wants to see it come to life through her (his?) paintings. This person feels drawn to this ad (or to me) and knows on some deep level that my story is also their story.
This person has the time and space in their life right now to make a commitment to following through with this project within a specified amount of time.
Finally, this artist’s rates either fit perfectly into my budget or they are in need of my work and are willing to do part in trade.
The essence of our relationship: creativity, flow, trust, ease, surrender, integrity, magic.
How this could happen: Elizabeth already said it perfectly: “magic and serendipity and right and perfect timing.”
I’ll play with: being open to suggestions and possibilities, allowing things to unfold in their right timing, working through the disappointment of the first artist not following through with her commitment to me and the project, and continuing to explore and embody the magic of this particular story.
*love to all*
larisa–I’m an artist, I will have to come say hello to you.
Havi–thank you for your words about january. so perfect for me to read today.
What I want: to gain clarity about this year throughout the next couple weeks or months.
To find ways of working on my goals/dreams in ways that have the same qualities of my goals/dreams. Freedom, playfulness, experimentation. I ended the year feeling burnt and burdened and spinning my wheels and have realized I want my process to feel like what I am working toward. Otherwise I might end up hiding under the covers for 2012!
My commitment:
To keep flailing. To keep writing. To keep exploring.
Trusting that the insights I need are on the way!
Happy clappings and murmurs for all VPAs! And so oddly excited to know things that I want, if that makes a bit of sense.
Thing #1:
A new partner in crime for my old partner. Has to be able to do the things I do for our business, but with the enthusiasm for the projects that I just don’t have any more.
Ways this could work:
Not sure at all, so I’m going to wait, and percolate, and try to keep my eyes open.
To play with:
Stone skipping, writing it out, being aware of new people I meet, being open to new ideas or solutions.
Thing #2:
To be happy with my old business, and clients, even as I make the transition away. To not let the work, or their demands, drain or exaust me.
Ways this could work:
Entry and exit rituals, force fields, being conscious of what is really going on, and taking more breaks.
To play with
Making rituals, and costumes!
Thing #3:
More play time, more writing time, more me time.
Ways this could work:
Percolate on rearranging my play space, and bring metaphor mouse in, and maybe talk to slightly future me as to what needs to happen here.
To play with:
Make my fortress. Move some furniture around. Work on my boundaries and force field. Get my supplies together, and play with my brain. And toys.
Thing #4:
To have a better relationship with my body
Ways this could work:
Stretching, checking in with my body more often, listening more.
To play with:
Laying still, digging out the hula hoop, seeing what happens.
What I want: a cat. What needs to happen: my landlady needs to get back to me with a “yes, cat.” Then I need to visit with lots of cats and find one that is the perfect cat for me. Then I need to buy cat supplies, and make some cat space and bring my cat home.
what else I want: ease back into working after time off.
Reflectings! What a fantastic name for the thing-that-is-usually-called-collage! I also love it, and try to do at least one a year. I used to always hide them away in my closet after I made them, but in the past few years have actually become bold enough to hang them in my studio, which is also where guests sleep, so other people are getting a rather deep look into my brain!
Anyway, if you are in need of additional resources for reflectings, SCRAP on NE MLK and Stanton has tons of magazines, cards, calendars, and other paper ephemera for reuse at bulk prices. And if you’re ever wanting an additional companion, I’d love to join you and have all sorts of fun crafty stocks to contribute.
What I want:
Thing #1…To resist the crazed pace of typical New Years from the past
How this could work….Take Havi’s lead to make space for reviewing the year just past BEFORE taking on a slate of projects and transitions fit for way more than the month of January. Give myself permission to take it at my own pace, regardless of the messages sent toward me from others.
Thing #2…Consistently share my own VPAs this year
How this could work….Let Havi’s VPAs serve as a prompt each week. Give myself favor as I get accustomed to this rhythm. Let the Real Me show out along the way.
Hello! & invoking VPA amnesty.
For some reason, asking is hard this week.
And I think it’s because I want some things I’m afraid to want. Let’s give it a try.
VPA update
Last week, I wanted “time in the batcave” to write and I found space for it! I wanted fun and enjoyed two days of unguiltified fun playing games with siblings.
Also, I wanted a ‘graceful rendezvous’. That one was a lot harder. I wanted it and and I was terrified too. In the end it was so full of grace and warmth. Enter as you wish to be in it.
Thing 1: Careful work
What I want – I’d like to generate results, write up results, feel confident about them.
Ways it could work – I could take out time. I could block other things. I could set up strong boundaries for the work.
Qualities – Strength, consiseness, door-closing, exploration, boundary-setting, definition.
To play with – Work space. Shifting work location. Hats. Enter as you wish to be in it. Project conversations. De-guiltification – see how far we can get.
Thing 2: Travel preparation
What I want – I shall be traveling soon. I’d love for a sorted organization folder before I leave. I’d also love to set up a good schedule for the rest of the year.
Ways it could work – Time, space, scanning. Borrowing Barrington for the day. Remembering things can still be changed.
To play with – Fun summer dress. The fun in it! Traveling light weight with almost nothing.
Thing 3: Exploring a want
What I want – I want thing and it’s hard to want because it feels out of reach. And I am wanting it more. And I am feeling more shoes, too. I just want some time to think about it.
Ways it could work – Some time OOD-ling. Some time metaphor-mousing. Some time coming up with new wacky ways to want what I want.
To play with – Being where I am. Writing. Self appreciation notes. Letters from and to past and future selves. Reading.
@hannahsavannah, you are rocking the html code!! Looks great. My trick is to forget the backslash and so the ENTIRE THING IS IN BOLD and it’s just a leeetle bit embarrassing! 🙂
Thing 1 – Capacity. Energy.
Everything is better and easier when you are have more capacity and energy. Just-whelmed rather than over-whelmed.
Ways it could work – deeerrr, sleep. Iron supps. Nutritious food. Surrendering to what my monsters consider being a “good girl” because it serves the mission from god and I am humble enough to
ignorerise above their goading and remember that they are worried about me and acting out of their stuff. Humble like the one-L lama. That’s me. TOTALLY.To play with – embodying the Dalai Lama around my monsters, OBVIOUSLY!! Hahahaha. I am hilarious. Actually though, maybe that really would work. Just twinkle and smile enigmatically all over the place and speak kind and wise words all day and see what happens…. That might be a fun game….
– writing up my minimum daily requirements for self-care and putting them in places reminders would be useful (because I’m humble enough to not have to react to the “you’re such as dag” eye-rolling of the husband-in-my-imagination. The one who may or MAY NOT actually exist if I actually DO stick up some post it notes… Another experiment/game – does he exist???)
– sleep, supplements, take the damn chinese herbs already, naps, meal planning. ACTION.
Thing 2 – The Assistant of Extreme Awesomeness ala Barrington multiplied by any of the staffers on The West Wing. Particularly the talking-too-fast-bit which is hilarious.)
The one who will hand me the damn herbs and stare pointedly at me until I just swallow them already. The one who will hand me the menu plan for the day. The one who will draw up the calendar for the month and give it to me to play with. The one who will take CARE of now-me and tomorrow-me.
Ways this could work – writing up a job description.
– interviews with various applicants from within my internal cast of characters and the waiting room in my head filled with an amalgam of various Awesome Assistants from years of dedicated television viewing….
– asking her what she needs in order to be Most Extremely Awesome.
To play with – levity!! Don’t make it serious and should-y, erggh.
Thing 3 – an actual, functional, dedicated workspace just for me
Because everything works better when there is a safe, strong, loving container for it. (After the space, the time container too. A future VPA!)
Ways this could work – haul out the floorplan and revue. Book my amazing mother in for the rearranging weekend. Warn my beloved that he’s just going to have to deal with the chaos. Call up all my nesting instincts which have not appeared yet but are surely coming soon!!
To play with – use every kick and squirm as a reminder that “MUM I’M COMING IN SEVEN AND A HALF WEEKS GET YO ASS INTO GEAR AND MAKE ME SOME SPACE IN YOUR HOUSE AND LIFE AND HEAD BEEARCH AND ALSO MAKE YOURSELF SOME DAMN SPACE SO YOU DON’T GO PPD ON MY ASS WHICH WOULD NOT DO ME ANY GOOD OKAY?”
– nothing like a deadline really, so that’ll probably do. Maybe post deadline reminders all over the place so I stop pretending that this baby isn’t coming for aaaaages…. And also remembering that if I think I feel exhausted and bad NOW it will be a zillion times worse if I actually sign myself up for PPD by not taking care of this. ACTION.
Hmmmm. Yup. So basically, three things is really one big thing isn’t it. Capacity. And things that SERVE/CREATE my capacity. Cos I have got shit to do in this world, and a mission from god. So stop arguing lady and get going already. MISSION!!! FROM GOD!!!
woo – correct hmtl coding for the win!
@ Risa & @ ClaireP & @everyone, really
I am excited about Jen’s home office retreat space January series – http://www.inspiredhomeoffice.com/community/january-rest-and-nourish-series – and just joined :). Now wouldn’t it be nice to meet some of you there?
PS “just-whelmed” – I love it. That’s what I want too!
Also i am guessing it’just one guy!
Here’s what I want: A fresh burst of energy, clarity, and joy to bring to my work.
Ways this could work: Lots of being mindful and in the moment.
I will play with: Playing!
@Hannah – those look GREAT! butbut *sadface* I’m already scheduled for half those times, boo! Maybe next year, or if she offers something similar for my Happy-September transition time?
YESYESYES! to everything about January above. Lovely. Mmmmmmm.
THING #1
Here’s what I want: to go to London and Paris and get this planned and not have it be a horrible anxious planning frenzy freakout of hideous details.
Ways this could work: I could do some emergency calming before settling down to plan. I could ask for inspiration from a Shiva Nata session. I could remember to breathe. I could be open to insights about why I get like this when it’s time to plan a trip.
I will play with: getting dressed up like I’m already in Paris, or dress for Brighton Pier before I sit down with any planning tools.
Update on previous VPAs:
I wanted to sleep through the night, and I am. Probably because I’ve been getting outside a lot.
I wanted to clear out some cookbooks, and I slowly am.
I wanted to clear out my office, and not much has happened, though it is tidier.
Max I really like your dressing-to-plan plan!
Claire I totally feel you on 3 (in a not-pregnant-myself kind of way).
Amnesty still needs to be invoked for me because I have all these pages of notes with no coherency (resolution season YOU ARE KILLING ME), except this one thing:
I want to have a flying-lantern ceremony that involves bunches of people but is meaningful and solemn for everybody. I want to be unembarrassed about this so that I am able to set the tone. Less crucially, I want people to carpool to a remote location for this. And I either want to find someone to document it in advance or to completely avoid the idea of documentation on principle…whichever comes first?
How this could happen:
People could be interested.
I could think of it like a performance and that would help me to be able to tone-set. Maybe there would be music? Or words spoken? The invitation could help explicate this.
It could be on my birthday, so there’s an occasion/reason–or it could be sooner, while I still have this feeling of hopefulness about the future. And everyone’s still in new-year mode. And people could *want *to come without the birthday-obligation-guilt thing.
Maybe I will wear a costume! And/or invite others to do so, too.
My commitment:
To keep feeling the lantern feeling.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, everybody!!
#1 A steady stream of gorgeous souls to have deep, profound conversations with as the bread and butter of my work.
What I want: There’s a certain kind of work that is my soul’s work. I want to do more of this.
Ways this could work: Keep asking myself and the world and the invisible forces for direction. Keep noticing who is around me who is already one of these gorgeous souls. Believe that there are many more on my list than I realize. Realize I may already have what I am seeking.
My commitment: Stay engaged. Believe. Ask for help.
#2. Courage in moving through the refinance.
What I want: To stay strong and conscious as we go through the steps of refinancing. To have a positive, happy outcome that results in lower monthly payment and general financial happiness and stability long-term.
Ways this could work: It could all go smoothly without any effort on my part. We could get a great appraisal. I could ask for more help getting the house cleaned up and pretty. It could unfold without a hitch.
My commitment: Breathe. Take a step. Breathe. Take a step.
#3. To have the courage to do less this year.
What I want: More freedom of mind to play when I am not working and more clarity about choosing not to work all the time.
Ways this could work: I could make a bigger effort to schedule play time. I could bring more of a playful spirit to work. I could practice going from lots of options to one or two. I could celebrate the many small ways I am getting better at this.
My commitment: Practice choosing daily so I don’t feel overwhelmed. Let overwhelm sound as a bell that I am doing too much.
Yay for play. Yay for wishes (and wishers) getting sleep when it’s so dark. Yay for 12 wishes for the year rather than a big, unmanageable one. I found myself drawn to quarterly priorities (as dull as that sounds).
I want a secret birthday to leave more time for me at home, with naps and gardening and reading. Not the luxury of a full day, mind you, but two quality half days!
Then what I want:
me (and my excitement and “ownership”) extending into my work
Ways this could work:
thinking with the pros about the underlying issues; then, ignoring the underlying issues! As I may be in blog-reading withdrawal anyway, I can shift focus from the mind to the body — lopsided, tense, unable to process everything thrown at it willy-nilly.
I will play with:
looking at trees, tree pose, root veggies (I amuse me).
Maybe other non-writing, non-mental ways to introspect.