Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
One question, many forms.
Lately whenever I do stone skipping, I have been asking questions that are really all variations on the same question:
What enhances my ability to experience my own light? And what diminishes that ability?
Sometimes I phrase this question in other ways…
- What are the things that feed me?
- What helps me stay lucid and clear?
- How can I treasure myself?
- What gets me connected to my whole-hearted yes?
- How can I be the clearest bell?
- What can I do to boldly glow where I have not before?
- What needs to be eliminated? And what needs to be illuminated?
The same answer.
It is hilarious (to me!) that I keep asking what is obviously the same question, and I get the exact same answer each time…
What emerges, no matter how I phrase the question, is an identical list of the choices and activities that are good for me, things that fall into the category of DO MORE OF THIS, PLEASE. And then a list of things I would do well to avoid (cough, facebook) if I want to function at my best in this world.
I get clear intel, and then a week later I ask again, and I get the same clear intel, and then I ask again.
Not sure if it’s because I forget, or I need to hear it again, or maybe I think something will change, or maybe this is just part of the process of learning how to take care of myself.
I know what I want.
I know what I want. I know what I need. I know what works.
It’s super clear.
And there is a gap between what I know and what I choose. This is okay. It’s part of the voyage. Like in the line from my favorite sea chantey:
The anchors are weighed / the sails they are set
We are setting sail.
And by anchors I mean presence, and by sails I mean intentions.
Five minutes of X.
Many of the things that are on the list of YES are things I can be doing right now, just not always in large quantities because time does not currently permit.
Actually, time always permits. Or at least in theory. There are previous commitments I’ve made that mean I’m currently making other choices towards other things, and, again, that’s okay too.
What I find interesting is this:
Yeah, okay, I might not have two hours for long, slow, sweet yoga on the floor. For sure I have five minutes though.
Maybe I can’t make a massage happen right now. I could still take five beautiful minutes and rub my feet, or roll things out with the foam roller, or just let my body sink into the floor.
Five minutes are there. Five minutes to do a gazelle thing, five minutes to breathe, five minutes to talk to my heart, five minutes to say thank you.
Five minutes of anything on the list of things that are good for Havi Bell.
What if.
Sam and I have been calling this 5MX. It stands for Five Minutes Of X.
Let X = anything that would be helpful and supportive for me, anything related to how I want to live.
His 5MX sometimes includes things that are not appealing to me. Like pull-ups. My 5MX is often just closing my eyes or staring at the wall.
It helps.
And then I forget again that this is a thing I can do. I find myself feeling frustrated about my desire for the experiences that would be good for me if only I had time.
The truth is, I really do have time for most of them right now if I go with the five minute version. Or even if I can’t have the thing I want, five minutes of something that’s like the thing I want.
While I can’t go to the ocean for five minutes, I can connect to some of the qualities of ocean. And I can look at pictures of the ocean or remember the ocean or watch a surfing video or close my eyes and channel Beach Day me.
I want more 5MX in my life.
Not once or twice a day. All the time.
I want so much 5MX that I can’t forget the reason for the voyage. I want constant reminders of what is important.
What else would I like?
Partners and playmates. People in my life that want to play with this so that at any given moment, I know my friends are also 5MX-ing along with me, even if not at the same time.
Anything else related to this?
I don’t want to think of this as a chore. I want to think of this as a delight.
Like a tryst.
Checking in. How am I doing?
So very tired.
It’s partly the travel, and partly the burnout, and partly having just been through my mother’s funeral. Also today would have been my mother’s 70th birthday. So. And also I got vaccinated for the flu, and apparently HSPs and vaccinations is a complicated combination, because it’s been over 48 hours, and I have barely been able to get off the couch.
What helps with tired? Permission. Rest. Remembering that tired is always legitimate.
What do I really want?
Same as the past few weeks. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: 5MX is a great idea. And even 2MX. Honestly even thirty seconds is enough to lovingly interrupt an unconscious pattern, and really, that’s what this is about. This is the entire basis of all of your work: the sweet, loving, compassionate interruption of patterns and habits that aren’t working.
Me: You are right, that is the basis of this work.
She: So every time the monsters say that this is taking you away from your Very Important Work and from being of service in the world, let’s remind them that actually this is the work.
Me: This is the work. This is the work. I need to remember that.
She: You know how the monsters basically have two primary doom modes lately? It’s either You’re Wasting Time (Doom!), or This Is The Beginning of the End (Doom!)? Let’s use 5MX to interrupt that.
Clues?
It is the month of trusting the voyage, and it is on the calendar, and here I am, on a voyage. Also, I am getting strong intel that I need to visit the Vicarage soon. So yes. Trust the voyage.
Also I met someone whose nickname is the last name of my favorite cover identity. Clue!
The superpower of trusting the voyage.
Last month on the calendar was the month of receiving, and gracefully receiving gifts. Gracefully receiving my gifts.
Now we’re in the month of Embarking, with the superpower of trusting the voyage.
So here we are. This is me trying to find my way into a life where I am much, much, much more true to my internal knowing than I have ever dared to even try before. It requires new levels of trust.
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. See also: The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers. And adds panache.
Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…
More sweet pauses, yes to the red lights, remember the purple pills, say thank you to the broken pots. Permission. Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Lipstick. My body gets the deciding vote. And, as always, saying thank you in advance.
Give it to the compass: Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka SMOPL IT…
I still haven’t figured out how exactly I want to SMOPL (Something Meaningful On a Personal Level) the grieving process. I’ve gotten some good clues though, and tried some experiments.
I’ve been wearing my mother’s necklaces. My friend Patrick bought me the DVD of The Tango Lesson, so I can watch her favorite movie, and that was super sweet.
I’ve been eating soup, taking things slow, doing things my own way, and this is good.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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The theme these last few days seems to be “even though.” Even though my arm feels lit on fire, I can walk on the treadmill and sit on the bike because I am in pain either way but walking is better than not walking. Even though I am afraid this pain will not end I can make my bed and fold laundry because a beautiful home is important to me. Even though my doctor said 1 every 8 hours, I can take 2 every 4 hours because that is what works to keep the piranhas away.
So my wish this week is that no matter what comes my way, I can still have the mental energy and willingness to do some writing, some reading and some business planning.
I would love to play 5MX/2MX with you! <3
Just leaving a stone for you.
-o-
I will gladly be a partner in 5MX. I believe this will help me tremendously as I dive more deeply into my wish from last week. There has been progress, and there has also been [silent retreat], and I want to find a way to bring all of this into harmony. Remembering that I can always take five minutes, and that it serves the mission — yes, this will help. Thank you! I’m off to review my List of X… <3
Been awhile since I’ve commented here, and since I’ve been here for a recent/new post.
I’d like to leave a stone for Havi.
Oooooh, EXCELLENT because 5MX can also stand for “five million times” which 5MX always is. Five MILLION times better than 0MX, a good thing for me to remember.
Oh, wow! What beautiful wishes!
5MX really speaks to my yes. I don’t always give myself the time, in favor of instead refreshing forums or other things that don’t feed my soul.
If I can interrupt those patterns and do things that feed me, I’ll be a better person and a happier one.
Dropping the gwish of adopting 5MX for myself, or even 30SX (30 seconds of X). Thank you.
As always there’s so much wisdom here.
I desire to do X and yes, even five minutes of X is better than 0 minutes of it. In fact, doing X in five-minute bites may make it happen.
A wise woman wrote on the Floop Groop that she does [thing] because she’s been doing [thing] and that has been a powerful clew for me about my X.
I’ve recently returned from a short trip — we spent more time en route than we spent at our destination — with a renewed desire for X, and *this* is showing me how to make it happen.
Thank you, dear Havi.
This week I am curious (a lot in pain, a little curious, but it counts) about the experience of everything going fuzzy.
I am currently taking it as a sign of “things have gone so far off course we are shutting down the system so Rhiannon may receive only love.” Like huge backup emergency boundaries for the unfortunately many times when my primary boundaries have gone astray.
In the soup of this fuzziness, then, are all the things I’m needing about what I am and am not open to receiving so that I can be in this world. Like: Rhiannon is only receptive to love and sweetness and gentleness. But also: Rhiannon is not going to engage in this bullshit, thanks. And: Rhiannon has no time or space for throwing shoes because she only throws shoes when she needs love and right now she’s only receiving love so shoes aren’t necessary.
And all of that is treasure, but it comes wrapped in this debilitating fog that can make it more difficult. I want the above but without the side effects of unable to do anything.
Kind of like butter, which I can’t eat because it makes me bloated and gives me acne and makes my whole body ache. Ghee, on the other hand, I can eat a little bit of without much trouble.
So just like I clarify butter into ghee, I’d like to clarify fuzziness into its essence to which I am not allergic, and which is protective.
I don’t really know where to start. It’s hard to start anything from fuzziness, though even harder, currently, to be in the atmosphere of my life without it. By “atmosphere of my life,” I might only be talking about my mind, but there is definitely some monster besieging I can’t currently engage with.
That’s a clue. Are there things that take me out of my mind that aren’t fuzziness?
1. A good book.
2. Podcasts
3. My music.
So maybe tonight I can plant a seed of less fuzziness by putting on my podcasts to clean the kitchen or putting on my music to work on the rug.
And as for deeper/better/more fun applications, I’m putting it here in the pot, and something good always comes of that.
Also into the pot:
1. I am a gift.
2. Halloween is not my last shot.
3. Everything that’s mine returns to me.
4. Red only to the edge.
5. The next big adventure.
6. No terror here.
<3 for everyone's beautiful wishes.
Another of the many, many of the Fluent Self blog posts I’ve bookmarked. Thank you!
-o-
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes. Pebbles and flowers for you, Havi, as you find your SMOPL way. I have recently begun “2 minute movement breaks”, because it seemed do-able, just 2 minutes. And occasionally they turn into 5 minutes, or longer, but just the 2 minutes are lovely if that is all I can manage. And the more breaks I take throughout the day, the happier I am and the more energy I have to do the things I want to do. And then there are days when I do none of the breaks…the monsters have much to say about these days. But your words have helped me to remember – I do the breaks because they *feel good*, because they *make everything better*, and they are trysts with delight, and doorways into ease, *not* chores. I think this will help. So, I will continue to invite the trysts and seek the doorways, as much as I can, and with even more delight now I know that you are playing, too. 🙂
And a wish to throw into the pot: I wish for the superpower of My Pace is Right Timing, and An Object in Motion Stays in Motion. And another superpower wish: I Have What I Need Inside Me, and It is Vast and Useful, Wise and Valuable.
Thank you, and leaving love and sparkles for everyone’s beautiful wishes here.
I love “trysts with delight” – what a great thing to add to my life! 🙂 Thanks!
Yes, Havi’s words above “I don’t want to think of this as a chore. I want to think of this as a delight. Like a tryst” really sunk in for me, too. I went back and re-read Wish 271 also, all about the tryst. 🙂 I am trying to embed “tryst with delight” into my thinking process — sort of a ritual entry, a mantra, to begin the doing of the 5MX things that I know will make me feel good. Thank you Havi, for reintroducing me to one of my new favorite words – tryst! 🙂
So much to love in this post! Hearts and pebbles!!
I have been doing my own 5MX the past few weeks, which I called 10Minutes 30Minutes, and I was amazed at how it worked. With my most dearly held and frustrating piece of ‘no-time’–my writing–I was able to 10M 30M my way into a blog post right on time. So Science proves this works, and your post is Independent Confirmation! Hooray!!
I also just clearly Stated a Preferance, and my friend and i were able to adjust a plan very well before things got mired in assumption and disappointment. Especially during Mercury Retro, this is very awesome.
Wishes etc:
-White Flowers. Made a lil progress. This is frustrating, all I have to do is make sure to LEAVE the house quickly. All I need is to leave the house before whatever trigger sets me off. This morning I was fine until I realized the dishwasher flooded.
-Orange Blossoms. Still in the fact finding part of this investigation, but i think a huge clue is dancing. I put a ‘healing power of dance’ postcard on the fridge and something moved in response.
Yellow Daisies- Better all the time! No i am not making boeuf a wellington for the kids on a school night, but this is moving in the right direction
-Green Lotus. husband and i are doing okay. this is progress.
other things/ wishes:
-an Owl plan
-time for Congruenting
-for Lu to make it on the Honor Roll this marking period. there’s not much i can do to make it happen, but fingers crossed.
superpowers, what works:
-Everything is fine! I can do this!
-it’s genius things worked out this way
-Support is everywhere i look
I love this post so much. Specifically, I want to say the calendar is amazing, and “embarking” is wonderful.
My head is full of slugs and weasels at the moment. And maybe ferrets. Not sure about the ferrets. And this training montage seems to be taking forever. But it’s less than a week now until the clocks go back, and that buys me three weeks of sanity.
Anyway. I am going to keep wishing this wish, because it is what I need, and the more I wish it the more I will have of it: I wish for daylight, and I wish to trust the darkness.
And I wish for rest, and I wish to allow myself to just stop for a little bit, and trust that the things will work on themselves even when I am very consciously and deliberately not working on them.
5MX also works well for the hard things, like grief-SMOPLing (except when it doesn’t, and that’s okay too).
Endless streams of love to you, Havi.
Yes, good call! I love it. <3