Background: The thing with Shiva Nata: it makes/strengthens neural connections which let you see your patterns, and all the different ways they can be taken apart and put together.
When you do it right (by doing it wrong), you can end up in that cop show detective moment where all the pieces start swirling together. The matrix keeps re-forming, so you see the patterns *and* their possibilities.
The first realization: I’ve been here before.
This situation with the woman whose office is next door to the Playground.
This is not new.
This is my internal narrative about how there’s always a petty tyrant in my life.
So what’s going to be different this time?
The second realization: it’s the Encroachers.
The people who just expand and expand into your space.
It doesn’t matter if it’s physical space, energy space, emotional space, mental space, spiritual space.
Like my boss with the “long arms”, as we used to say.
Like those guys on the bus who sit with their legs wide apart.
Or the other bartender who used to just show up for my shifts and then take them.
It didn’t matter whether I argued or cajoled. Whether I was calm or furious. She’d just look at me like I was crazy and then start working.
Like my roommate in Berlin who took over the entire living room and the entire kitchen and filled the entire hallway with boxes until my space got smaller and smaller.
Until I didn’t even feel safe coming in the door.
Like the people who think they own my life and therefore can ask for things that no one should ever ask for.
The third realization: I actually know a lot about the Encroachers.
That’s because I’ve lived with them for most of my life. Here’s what they have in common:
They’re incredibly insecure.
They often have OCD or compulsive tendencies.
So they encroach into more and more space because that’s where they can establish control.
They challenge my space because that’s where their own challenge is.
They need to control and dominate space because it’s the only thing that gives them safety.
And they are incapable of noticing that this is encroachment because they’re viewing it as protection. As far as they’re concerned, they’re just taking care of what’s theirs so no one else can encroach on them.
So they become expansionists. With their own personal brand of Manifest Destiny. They spread.
The fourth realization: I’ve been looking at boundaries all wrong.
When I say “ohmygod she has no boundaries”, I usually mean someone who will do totally inappropriate things.
But the truth is: I am the one with no boundaries.
I am the one with no way to say stop. I am the one who doesn’t know how to be strong and flexible enough to keep them out.
The fifth realization: boundaries are my job, not theirs.
So yes, they are expansionists.
But they have expanded and expanded into my space and my time and my energy because there wasn’t anything there to stop them.
It’s my job to establish boundaries that tell them where they can’t go.
And not through resentment but through love for myself and my space.
It’s my turn to know where my walls are. To establish my own force fields. To not be impressed by the Encroachers. To let them run into the place where their space stops and mine begins.
My mission is to learn about my boundaries and fill up my internal spaces.
To fill them up with me.
And to do this instead of being mad about how other people walk through boundaries they cannot see.
The sixth realization: It isn’t really about them though, is it?
Of course. I’ve learned this one before.
The pattern isn’t the piece of information. It’s your relationship to that piece of information.
In other words, the pattern at play is not “look at all the encroachers in my life”, though that’s certainly interesting.
The real pattern I’m learning about here is the one about how I connect to my sovereignty and my own power in relation to situations where these get challenged.
The seventh realization: I have options.
In fact, there are all sorts of things I already know how to do that can help me in this situation of not getting along with someone.
Option! I can play with the shadow.
Like Carolyn and I did with the hackers.
I can ask:
Is there some part of me that also encroaches? Do I share any characteristics at all with someone who has this need for expansion as a way to protect their boundaries.
Or:
Is there anything useful about being an encroacher? Is there something in this that I need that is missing from my life?
Another option. I can do the alignment exercise.
And find out what ten things I have in common with this woman.
Where are the meeting points? Where is the common, neutral ground? How are we connected?
More options. I can separate too.
Making separations between my stuff and her stuff, using the basics of destuckification.
I can separate between my pain and her pain, my stories and her stories, my experience and her experience.
Create some room to breathe.
A really good option! I can implement what I’ve learned from Hiro
About boundaries.
And establishing them.
And this brilliant bit of wisdom that she gave me:
The more you fill yourself with you and really take up your own space, the less work you have to do to “enforce” your boundaries.
Because those boundaries are just there. And they know how to do their job.
(If you’re curious about how to do this, I highly recommend that you sign up for Hiro’s Sovereignty Kindergarten course which is all about that.)
The eighth realization: this is about everything I’m already working on.
It’s about sovereignty and being the queen of my life.
It’s about trust and destuckifying and learning how to be patient.
It’s about bringing more of the pirate queen into daily interaction.
And it’s about detangling patterns.
So I really just need to stick with what I’m already doing.
To do five minutes of Dance of Shiva to find out what the next piece is. To write a Very Personal Ad and do some Old Turkish Lady yoga. To breathe and write and ask questions.
Everything else will show up when it needs to. And if it doesn’t, I can go back to the patterns and ask for help.
And comment zen for today.
Interacting with patterns can be really challenging. Stressful. And that sucks. I’m sorry.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. People vary.
If me-working-through-my-stuff accidentally stepped on any of your stuff, that definitely wasn’t intentional.
My wish for you: to have as much space and safety as you need so you can take care of yourself in whatever way works for you.
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Oh, sweetie, what a wonderful way to take the encroachment out of your Encroachers!
I’ve had my challenges with Sovereignty too, this week, as I’ve moved into a new home and share part of the space with the owner of it. Each new relationship requires us to define the terms of our connection–the boundaries, the containers, how and where those boundaries will touch, or intersect, and what happens at the edges and margins.
And of course, as each relationship evolves, those boundaries and patterns shift too.
Wishing you ease in your process with this.
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Elegy =-.
Hello Havi,
Just want to say that this line really resonated with my space today: “And not through resentment but through love for myself and my space.” When I feel overrun by someone else’s needs, I often use resentment to defend my own “rightness.” Much better to love myself and my space so much that I can’t see anyone else taking it over. Thanks for this.
Lynn
.-= Lynn Jacobs´s last post … 10,000 Hours =-.
I’m seriously terrified of being an Encroacher. Like, I actively withdraw and cede my space because I don’t want to be seen as encroaching on anyone else’s. And yet I still feel like I’m stepping on toes anywhere I go, and like if I set my own boundaries I’m going to be overstepping someone else’s.
I would love to be able to establish a Territory, with boundaries and edges and HIC SVNT BELUAE (“here there be monsters”) written on the map. But I’m not sure how, because I feel like if I do that, I have to be taking space away from others.
So I am completely sympathetic to what you’re talking about here, and I wish I had the sovereignty and self-awareness to start establishing boundaries and not letting my fear of being an Encroacher keep me from having my own space.
.-= Chris Anthony´s last post … Which customer do you want? =-.
We have an encroacher here at work, a neighbor who appears to feel very insecure and vunerable. My personal pattern I’ve noticed is that when an encroacher like this shows up, it always signals a period of growth. As if life was telling me, prepare to move away from this person or circumstance and towards a more comfortable situation that is conducive to growth.
When they showed up I started noticing all sorts of limitations to doing business in this particular building, all the constrictions, and then I started making plans for a move. So I am now in a slow motion moving process, which feels better than not gleaning any meaning at all from a symbolic jackass in my life.
Exactly, my dear. Exactly. This has been a very parallel struggle of mine lately, and I’m still stuck on how I can separate my stuff from their stuff, my pain from their pain, especially when they were the most important person to me and we almost seriously started planning to get engaged. Filling the space up with me… is going to take a long time, I fear. It’s a worthy goal though.
Thank you. I really needed this advice today. I’m feeling cornered and trapped and encroached upon. This helps.
I’ve been working hard on just this issue at work, so thanks for the post! Seems I’m not alone (whew) and that this is a work in progress for lots (not alone again). My boss thinks my desk is an extension of his office. Urghgh. So based on this experience and others I’ve had, often the encroachers and the encroachees are usually two sides of the same coin. Much like the bully/victim thing. And as Hiro mentioned, it’s when we fill our selves with us…that we can step out of this painful dance. It’s not about overpowering or winning, but about not playing that game. Which apparently I’m still doing. But with awareness at least:).
– Carrie
“When I say “ohmygod she has no boundaries”, I usually mean someone who will do totally inappropriate things.
But the truth is: I am the one with no boundaries.”
This totally resonated with me (but maybe not in the way you intended). Like when I think “ohmygod, this person will never forgive me for this mistake” and realise it’s because, recently, I have been acting unforgiving and rash. Or, “ohmygod, this person is taking up so much space and won’t get out of my way” and I realise that I’ve been spending all this energy feeling like I’ve been stepping on everyone else’s toes, or being unable to clearly define my boundaries. Or when I think, “ohmygod, everyone thinks I’m an idiot” and I realise that recently I’ve been acting really judgemental towards others.
Maybe the energy we give out does come back to us, even if we do it to ourselves! 🙂 Or at least that’s true for me!
Thanks, Havi. This was so timely for me to read today, especially the image of filling up my internal spaces with my me-ness.
.-= steph´s last post … sovereignty and dancing in the dark =-.
Wow, maybe instead of having my own epiphanies I should just read yours from now on! There’s so much wisdom packed into this post. I feel like I just got 10 years older reading this–in a good way. Need to read it again to see what else I missed the first time.
.-= Kelly´s last post … How to get a truck driver to trust you =-.
I also had to reread this post a few times to let the goodness soak in. Very wise stuff — it’s Advanced Sovereignty for the Not Faint of Heart. This post gives me so much hope, such trust that as long as I’m working on my me-ness and maintaining the (as Hiro indicates) ever-shifting boundaries, I can stay solid — rather than amorphous and leaky.
Your strategies and ideas have helped me immensely, especially during periods of transition. I hope you know how loved and appreciated you are, and how much you’re teaching others.
.-= Dawn´s last post … Novel to Me: Two Epiphanies for the Price of One =-.
Havi,
Thanks again for a wonderful post! Especially for the wisdom about filling up one’s space with me-ness. Yes! I forget to do that a lot.
Oh, I love my circle of me. It goes wherever I do (when I remember it’s there and work on it’s walls).
Sometimes, I even wake up in it! Gift!
And filling it with me-ness and my much-ness. Easy to forget. Sometimes, hard for me to do.
But, important.
love!
Laurie
.-= Laurie´s last post … The key to, basically, everything. =-.
This is a good topic for me to contemplate right now. I think there are two primary reasons why I let my boundaries be encroached upon. The obvious reason — obvious to anyone who knows me, at least — is my desire to please and to placate: be happy; please don’t be mad at me; I’ll let you do/have whatever you’re wanting. No, I’m not a complete pushover, but it’s still a powerful drive, and insidious, because what I want rapidly becomes engulfed in the people-pleasing impulse, and that is something I want too, yes? But no, it’s different.
Then there’s the subtler reason: as the oldest of several siblings, and as the daughter of a mother who was also the oldest of multiple siblings who all shared rooms, clothes, and toys willy-nilly, it became very important to me to have at least a few things and spaces that were mine, really mine. This became such a powerful need that, in order to ensure it, I learned to want less and less, just to minimize the risk of losing those few things I was frantically protecting. No one could ever say I was being selfish or unfair when all I really wanted were these few little things, right? So, now that I’m grown, I’ll come into a situation, and my modus operandi is often, “Oh, sure, we can do whatever you feel like doing, it doesn’t matter to me; oh, okay; I wanted to stop for a snack, but if you don’t want to, we don’t have to; but THAT’S MY FAVORITE CUP, please let me get you a different one, and yes, it does matter!”
Balance. That’s the word that’s coming to mind as I’m rambling here: there are a number of elements that I need to bring into balance, and it’s tricky. Fortunately, Shiva Nata is an excellent means of improving balance.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … All you need is love. Thank goodness for that. =-.
Hi Havi,
It was so good to read this, boundary stuff can be so hard and confusing. I totally relate to being vulnerable to encroachers.
I was really struck by the idea of filling up our own internal spaces.
Reading that, I realised just how much, and how often, I shrink back within my own boundaries–kind of like a reverse encroacher.
yikes.
.-= Dave Rowley´s last post … Sleepy Buddha =-.
When I was a freshman in college, we had an energetic Encroacher who was also, not surprisingly, a bit of a bully. She would bounce into people’s space uninvited or slink around and slime all the women who lived on the hall. She was everywhere.
My hallmates and I would cope with her encroachment by avoiding her completely, or by smiling and doing whatever she said. It sucked.
Of course, this was Virginia. Girls are supposed to be *polite* in Virginia. People do not talk back to each other. People talk about each other behind their backs.
One day, I can’t even remember what happened, but she was bullying me through the walls of her room (her room was right next to mine) and I flipped out. I started yelling back and banging on the walls.
I’m not sure how much good the banging did because the walls were made of cinder block, but the intention of reclaiming some of my energetic space was there.
Eventually she stopped her harassing me and didn’t even make eye contact with me any more.
I remember the moments after I yelled back at her, I shook and shook and shook. My face was so red. My hands were sweating. My roommate just sat there staring at me. It was… a lot.
I get these moves towards Sovereignty. It’s huge.
Thank you Havi for continuing to venture into your own Sovereign Land and to find all these beautiful ways of dealing with things (that don’t involve banging on walls). 🙂
Of course, if you needed to bang on some walls for some reason, I’m all for it.
Encroachers! You must have been reading my mail today.
The problem with the encroaching is how confronting it affects me…how it makes me feel all SMALL and anxious and “I can’t stop thinking about this until it’s resolved”. I HATE CONFRONTING IT. And I feel like I have to or the encroaching will continue until I am officially gum on the sidewalk.
I would much rather not confront it at all and just become one with my gum-on-sidewalk self. But something in me will not let me do that. Because it’s my business and it’s my life, and I CAN’T BE GUM!
I’d like to see more of what “filling myself up with me” would look like. Thanks for that visual. 🙂
.-= Sarah Bray´s last post … I am a love machine =-.
Oh… boundaries. I think I have a Boundary Monster somewhere. This is a big project. I feel like every time I think I’m getting somewhere with it, something new comes along to point out how I need to work on taking care of myself instead of just being so nice all the time and getting stepped on as a result.
I’m also going to go off and ponder the idea of what “being filled up with me” would be like. Thanks <3
.-= Shannon´s last post … The Creative Initiation, 2010 =-.
The bits about *me* being responsible for my own boundaries, and that it’s not even about the encroachers really hit home.
Thanks for the different suggestions of how to work on this! xox
.-= Victoria Brouhard´s last post … The Ninth Try’s a Charm? =-.
It’s so fascinating how many of us there are going through this … and I find it very reassuring to hear these stories. To know that I’m not the only one who doesn’t know how to fill her space is kind of a relief, actually. So thanks for that reminder.
@Sarah – me too! With the being gum and then knowing that I can’t be gum. And all the frustration that goes along with that. Oof.
@Rebecca – whoah, yelling back! That’s quite a story. Thank you.
@Dave – yeah, reverse encroaching. Nice image. I know what you mean too.
@Kat – I’m glad you have a FAVORITE CUP. That’s important. And that was interesting, I’m thinking now about what things I pretend aren’t important and which ones I can’t do without.
@Carrie – man that has to be so frustrating. Your DESK! Argh. Hard. Wishing you good resolution with that one. Sweetness!
@Lilly – that was awesome and also really comforting.
Especially: now in a slow motion moving process, which feels better than not gleaning any meaning at all from a symbolic jackass in my life
Yes!
@everyone – hugs
Why did I decide to pop over to your blog just now? Because I obviously NEEDED to read this post.
Said as I have multiple relatives camped all over my house. And each day, there is a new corner that gets crept into.
When they started moving into our room (during the day when we were at work), I said “jeez, have they no boundaries?”
Now I realize it is I who don’t have them.
Such good stuff.
And reading your conundrum made me laugh, not in an AT you kind of way, but in a “thank god I am not the ONLY one who finds myself in these situations” kind of way.
Sounds like a music video needing to happen, with ducks, costumes and “Stop (moving into my space) in the name of love … before you break my heart (and sit on me).
Thank you!
.-= Pamela Slim´s last post … The new body of work: fear, attitude, clarity and power =-.
I think I just had an anti-epiphany. My space is my own. ALWAYS. But I have been accused of taking up more space than I could possibly physically occupy.
Thanks for this post. Its a great reminder to remember my effect on other people. And to have compassion. And be as aware of other people’s energetic boundaries as my own.
Thank you. Fill yourself with you!
A wonderful take on relationships and boundaries, thanks.
Whenever I hear about boundaries, I realise that I don’t even really know what that means.
And then my mind slides over it.
Makes me think that maybe I need to look at this…
(Ya think?)
Kind of makes me frown and squint and blink…
.-= Andrew Lightheart´s last post … Permission =-.
Isn’t it interesting the way we see things differently. If I said someone had no boundaries I would definitely mean they weren’t holding their boundary and letting people walk all over them. Not to say that my own boundaries are completely sorted. Oh no. That’s definitely an ongoing one!
I really love that idea of filling up my internal spaces with more of me. That would be lovely. And so gentle and achievable sounding.
Thanks!
.-= Kerry Rowett´s last post … Change doesn’t have to be hard =-.
Love this post. Actually, the bit about the bartenders showing up and taking your shifts sparked an image in my head of Sookie Stackhouse from True Blood. I could totally see Sookie saying sweetly, “Arlene, I’ve got this shift. You don’t have to take it. I’ll see you back here in a few hours, and I’ll have your shift all set up for you.”
Maybe I should channel that sort of kind firmness (minus the accent) when I encounter an Encroacher (inside or outside of my own head).
.-= Catherine Cantieri, Sorted´s last post … What’s important… and what isn’t =-.
This is hard stuff. The kind of hard that gets my shoulders all tense just reading about it.
It is pretty fascinating seeing how many of us are dealing with really similar stuff.
I’ve had a few encroachers lately too.
The first one was easier for me to deal with. Because I immediately realized the story-of-mine that she was acting out. And I’ve done enough work on that story that I could set a clear boundary with only a little ack.
The second? Much harder.
I get the story that’s showing up. And it’s still one that I get tangled up in a lot. This time is no exception.
I’ve been drumming a lot to sort it out. And making notes. And drumming some more. But still… hard.
Hugs to everyone for the tangles and the hard.
.-= Fabeku Fatunmise´s last post … Bombs. Gonzo. And Drums. =-.
Oh My! I read this post earlier – but today after some Shiva Nata I realized something: I am an encroacher on myself!
I’ve been all bummed out because I have so many projects that I want to get done this summer and the time just seems to be flying by. I’ve been complaining about not having time to enjoy my summer – but no one is imposing any deadlines on me but me! I have zero outside obligations until August 12th – and that is just a run-of-the-mill-start-of-semester department meeting.
It’s one part of me vs another part of me. How does one draw boundaries within one’s self?
Perhaps I should chat with my monsters.
.-= Katie (Sauer) Hart´s last post … Yoga for People Who Don’t Do Yoga – #1 =-.
I was reading through this and saying “that’s like my housemates.. that’s my housemates.. woah my housemates are like this; this is what all that drama has been about” until I realised that I’ve been encroaching “back” as a way of trying to enforce my boundaries – and they don’t think they encroached first.
It’s good to see the patterns so we can be more careful with other peoples boundaries.
.-= Rose´s last post … Visibility: Creating the Dreamscape =-.
Oh dear.
Reading this was kind of “ow” for me, because I had a… I’m not going to say a fight, but a difficult discussion with my husband last night that centered around me kind of being an encroacher on him. In the “physical space” sense — I tend to fill as much space as possible around me with my stuff and my mess. I don’t even notice that I’ve done it until somebody points it out to me — or, I notice it, but I don’t really confront it.
I recognized a lot of myself in your description, especially with the obsessive-compulsive tendencies and the insecurity. I’m a twin and the “little one” in the family (growing up, my twin brother was always about twice my size), and I’ve always sort of felt like I was at risk of being so little that I disappeared entirely. Now that I’m a normal-sized person, I still sometimes forget that I don’t have to, metaphorically, shout to be heard.
I think it’s kind of the reverse of the conflicts that you talk about with biggification — those posts always seem intuitive to me because I feel like I’ve spent my whole life yelling “HEY. I’M HERE. YOU CAN NOTICE ME NOW” but I don’t really know how to scale down and realize when people are already noticing and caring about me, ~without~ my launching a full-blown paramilitary campaign into their space.
A funny thing about Encroachers is they usually have boundaries of steel –when it comes to THEIR space, emotional physical and otherwise. Meanwhile peeps who have trouble setting up boundaries protecting themselves also tend not to step on other people’s lives too much… It’s an interesting asymmetry (or maybe symmetry.)