Don’t ask about the title. Seriously. I don’t even know what’s going on today. It should really just be called the “random” edition.

Anyway. Two Ask Havi bits today. One relates to our blogging therapy series on taking the scary out of blogging.

And the other one kinda has to do with Non-Sucky Yoga Month … and is also the very first Ask Havi question that I’ve needed to farm out to a guest expert.

Shall we? Yallah.

First question: How come my friends don’t visit my blog?

This one was from Juliet who asked in the comments section of the “Why even bother bloggingwhen other people are doing it better?” post.

Hi Havi. Somewhere on your site I recall you saying that your friends don’t read your blog.

If you don’t mind sharing, how do you feel about that? And why do you think that is?

I know that none of my friends are particularly interested in even venturing near my blog to see what it’s all about. It hurts, I have to admit.

Either they have looked, and they don’t know what to say, or they haven’t…because they aren’t interested? Maybe jealous that I have found something I enjoy? (There have been other signs of the latter).

Okay. One thing at a time.

The weird truth is that I actually feel okay with my friends not reading my blog. Well, most of the time.

But I know enough people who get really annoyed about this phenomenon — and it is a phenomenon — that I get that it’s a big deal. And it’s definitely something I’ve given some thought to.

Here’s my take on it.

People don’t look.

They don’t look and they don’t want to look. Not because they aren’t interested, but because they’re scared. Scared? Well, anxious.

Maybe they won’t like what you’re up to, and then they’ll have to tell you (awkward and uncomfortable). Or lie to you (awkward and uncomfortable). Or pretend it never happened (awkward and uncomfortable).

Actually there are all sorts of things for them to be afraid of. For example?

Maybe they’ll discover that you’ve changed — and in ways that they don’t like.

Maybe they won’t like your online persona. Maybe it’s weird for them to see you as an expert in something and it feels like they’re losing you to this other, new, distant person.

Maybe they’ll get the sense you’re trying to sell them something and they’ll end up feeling uncomfortable.

There are all sorts of things that could happen theoretically … and any one of these could be enough to keep your friends away from your website.

My friends — the ones I’ve had for a long time — tend to miss the days when I partied like a rockstar. Sure they know I’m a freaky yoga chick and a successful businesswoman … but they don’t want to uncover stuff that might make them not want to be friends with me anymore.

It’s fear of losing someone you care about. I can identify with that.

Are they wrong? Yeah, probably. But I don’t think I can change their minds. Eventually they’ll show up. Or not. If and when the time is right.

The jealousy thing

You brought it up. So it probably didn’t come out of nowhere. And I have to say that it’s a real thing.

In fact, this is something anyone who wants to be successful is going to have to deal with because some people will be jealous. It’s no fun, but it can happen.

We talked about this quite a bit in the fear of success portion of the non-icky self-promotion course.

Jealousy happens. I have many friends who’ve had very different life experiences and made very different life choices than mine.

Like, they got married and got “real” jobs and had kids. Well, probably more of them are lesbian performance artists who live in squats. Which — weirdly — I identify with more.

But anyway, among all these friends, some are really proud of me and yes, some of them are jealous.

That I have my own business that’s totally successful. That I have a six week waiting list for seeing clients. That I can pick up and fly to Germany to teach at the Berlin Yoga Festival if and when I feel like it. That I make my own hours and do work that I love and just generally have a lot more freedom in my life than they feel that they do in theirs.

So yeah, jealousy can also be a reason. I wish it didn’t happen but it does.

Neither of these reasons really matters.

I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt because of course it does. It’s just that it’s not about you. It’s about them.

The only part that has to do with you is your reaction to it.

My way of dealing with it has been making new friends — online friends who completely get what I do and support the hell out of it — and keeping old friends for talking about other things that don’t necessarily have as much to do with what I’m doing right now.

Those friends don’t hang out here, and I can live with that.

The other thing to remember is that not all friendships are forever. Some are strong enough to work through stuff like this. And some aren’t.

Sometimes we need to let go of some old ties that aren’t supporting us anymore. When it comes to the jealousy thing, I don’t have a lot of patience for it. I don’t need that kind of energy in my life.

But it were someone really, really special to me I’d do the work to talk it out and see if we could work through that.

My suggestions …

• Find online friends who think the stuff you do is awesome.
• Let your offline friends be just that. Hang out with them in real life and do real life stuff. They’ll either come around or they won’t.
• Take a break from the people who aren’t in a position where they can be supportive and loving to you right now. Because you need support and love, and you deserve to be around people who are going to give it to you.

That’s what I’ve got. This is a pretty touchy issue so I’m sure people will make additional suggestions in the comments section …. go for it. Hug to you!

Second question … yoga for fertility?!

Hey Havi,

I know it’s ‘non sucky yoga month’ and even though you have thoroughly answered the question about yoga that doesn’t suck, is there any chance you could answer this question:

Is there any specific yoga practice that helps IVF / promotes fertility?

Cheers,
Jodie (a fan from Australia)

This seemed like a question that would require a little outside assistance so I asked Amelia Hirota aka The Fertility Acupuncturist — who happens to also be an internet-friend — if she could help me out.

Here’s Amelia:

Yes, yoga does promote fertility for two reasons.

One, it calms the mind and reduces stress. Easing the pressure on the adrenals (caused by chronic stress) is important in enhancing fertility.

Secondly, yoga promotes blood flow to the pelvic cavity, providing nourishment to the ovaries and uterine lining.

With a healthy diet, this increased blood flow to the reproductive organs often makes a huge difference in fertility levels.

I actually just reviewed a good yoga fertility book called Fully Fertile on my site.

In Fully Fertile, they talk about specific asanas (yoga postures) that are helpful during an IVF cycle. I like using yoga to enhance fertility because of the way it treats both the mind and the body.

Yay, Amelia! That was much more interesting than anything I would have said.

The only thing I’d add to that is that yoga poses all make use of internal and external pressure points on the skin and in the joints (marmas).

Every time you use the pressure of your own body to open or press on these points, you’re interacting with the nervous system which then sends messages to the brain to release hormones through the blood flow.

This is one of the reasons yoga often makes you feel like you’re on happy drugs … you’re gradually creating an altered (and ideally a more balanced) hormonal state.

Normally I talk more about this stuff in terms of how it can help facilitate your process of releasing emotional stucknesses, but there are absolutely physiological implications as well.

Either way, achieving hormonal (and emotional) balance could only help with your chances of getting pregnant if that were your goal. And with other, completely unrelated goals, if fertility is the last thing on your mind.

That’s all I’ve got …

Oh boy, I hope one of these answers (or questions) was vaguely related to something that interests you.

And if not, it was certainly sweet of you to come and hang out with me just because.

We’ll be back to slightly broader themes tomorrow. And anyway the Non-Sucky Yoga Month package thing goes away tomorrow which means I’ll stop with the yoga stuff for a while.

If you have an Ask Havi of your own, you’re more than welcome to ask, but keep in mind that it might not get published for a while. There’s a pretty serious line-up right now. Just saying.

Happy happy rest-of-the-weekend, guys.