Note: it is almost impossible to get on the Ask Havi list. This person got in by a. being one of my clients or students, b. flattering the hell out of my duck, and c. making life easy on me by being clear about what the question was and what details I could use.
It’s probably not even slightly surprising, but I get all sorts of questions that don’t really have anything to do with what I teach.
Some are too nuanced or complicated to answer in a hundred and forty characters at the bar (on Twitter) — and others don’t manage to fall even into the wildly broad categories of stuff I to write about here.
I always figured the right time would show up to answer some of the ones that show up over and over . And that time is (apparently) now, as I am off visiting Hiro and we are being a little bit silly.
So. Here they are. The answers to five off-topic questions — which you may or may not have been dying to know.
“Why is your gentleman friend your ‘gentleman friend’?”
Oh.
There is a story there.
When we first met, my gentleman friend called his parents and told them he’d fallen madly in love.
The next time they spoke, his mother asked after the ‘lady friend’.
My gentleman friend: You mean my girlfriend?
My gentleman friend’s mother: You’re a little too old for a girlfriend.
Awesome.
So I became the lady friend. And my gentleman friend is my gentleman friend.
“Why don’t you admit that your gentleman friend is actually a girl?”
Huh.
You know what’s funny? I talk about all sorts of things here that people would normally never bring up.
I’ve written about poverty and terror and stuff blowing up. And about my friend who is dead and my conversations with walls and the fact that my filling system is arranged by chakras.
Also, I live in northeast Portland, which is a place where my having a lady friend would not even be interesting.
Believe me, if my gentleman friend were my lady friend, y’all would know about it.
“How do you bake bread without using sugar?”
Juice.
I feed my little bread yeasties with juice instead of sugar.
Any non-citrus juice that’s 100% fruit will work, but I like grape juice best for bread. It does turn the dough a little bit purple-ey, but you get used to it.
Kedem is the brand I bake with, but my friends make my recipe work with whatever they have around the house, and it’s good that way too.
Mmm, bread!
“Why do you think yoga mats are evil?”
Um.
I’m not sure that I do think that yoga mats are evil.
But I must have said something to that effect because you’re asking the question. And yeah, it does kind of sound like something I might say. 🙂
So. Let’s see.
I think that yoga mats made with PVC are evil. First of all, you’re breathing in poison. And the manufacturing process (plus their inevitable destination as landfill), means that buying one is participating in crappifying the world. Neither of those are very yoga things to do.
If you’re going to get a mat, get one that’s biodegradable — or at least one that you’ll be able to leave it to your grandkids in good condition, like Peter’s manduka mat.
My deeper point is that mats are not so much evil as not really necessary.
A mind and a few working body parts, and you can do yoga. It doesn’t actually require much more than being able to breathe. Which is one of the things I love about it.
The danger comes when we start thinking that we need stuff to do yoga, and we get caught up in the trappings — in the “yoga industrial complex”.
The truth is that a blanket works great for most poses, and the floor works well for the rest. And we sometimes forget that having a narrow rectangle defining our space can really confine our creativity of movement.
But I also don’t think it’s bad to have a mat — not at all.
I have one myself (the compostable kind) and I use it when I want to work on balance stuff, or to mark out the space of “I am practicing yoga”.
For me, seeing the mat on the floor is a reminder that this is my daily ritual. That this is something I need and something I’m committed to.
“I don’t get it. You’re a big tree-hugging yoga hippie Shivanaut but you also like Roller Derby. Explain.”
“Explain”?
Roller Derby is all about drag, brilliantly bad puns, ass-kicking, stripey socks, marginalized culture, and beer.
Which is pretty much a list of all the stuff I like.
And I also like hugging trees.
We’re complex and multi-faceted beings.
I don’t know if I have a better explanation than that.
And that’s as good a place to finish today as any.
Honestly? I can’t come up with a conclusion for this one.
But since we’re off-topic anyway, feel free to jump in with stories of odd/interesting things that people ask you. Or that you wish they’d ask you. Or … anything else, really.
Comment zen:
We’ve all got our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
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I wish people would ask me more about puppetry, dog autobiographies, and famous inventors. These are things I find myself thinking about all the time. But no one ever wants to talk about them, so I never get to either.
Funniest thing was shopping for a mattress while in a polyamorous relationship. You could always tell the salesmen wanted to ask… but couldn’t quite bring themselves to. It was hilarious. Especially when the three of us would all climb on the mattress together to test it out.
LOL @ R.
I’m trying to picture the gentleman friend as a lady friend and it’s not working. Which is weird, because it’s not as if I have an elaborate mental picture of what your gentleman friend is like.
People ask me: how long have you been drawing. It stumps me, because I want to say: it’s how much, not how long. How long doesn’t matter. The answer is 7 years, which puts me precariously close to the decade that’s supposed to make me a master. Bwaha hahaha! Yeahnicetry.
.-= Willie Hewes´s last post … The Inky Girl =-.
Sorry for the double comment but, yeah: why on earth are yoga mats so narrow! There are so many poses that would make you fall off your mat? Why!
I have a big carpet type thing with orange stripes. Made in India. Grandkiddable.
.-= Willie Hewes´s last post … The Inky Girl =-.
i’m glad someone else brought up the subject of ‘amor’. i’m black american, my beloved is very, very tall and very very serbian, and those are the only reasons i can come up with as to why people, from barcelona (where i live) to belgrade would ask us deeply personal questions of a sexual nature IN POLITE COMPANY and actually expect answers.
.-= ieishah´s last post … lost in translation 19 =-.
Funny that someone would think you can’t be environmentally conscious and into beer and roller derbies. Comments like that make me think we have ridiculous perceptions of what other people must be like, and somehow they lose all the shades we see in ourselves. It’s an attitude of “I’m in the grey scale, but boy you are black and white.” Shouldn’t we all be a little more open and flexible with what we think about one another?
Best example I have of myself: my then-girlfriend (age appropriate title) and I were throwing a party in our apartment. One of my friend’s girlfriends was listening to my tales of moshing to Slayer and how tight their performance was. She looked at me and commented on what I looked like as I told this story: tucked in shirt, moccasin slippers, clean-cut hair, with my legs crossed and a fine imported beer in my hand.
We are all the spice that is variety. Now if we were all willing to try and see it that way.
.-= Jonathan Vaudreuil´s last post … Building loyalty over satisfaction =-.
I too am trying to picture your gentleman friend as a lady friend. And I’m seeing him in my mind’s eye dressed in a little white dress with frills and white lacy socks. And it’s frightening and hilarious all at once. Poor gentleman friend. 😀
.-= Charlotte´s last post … Things Entrepreneurship Teaches You (or: OMG Darth Vader’s in that cave!!) =-.
People semi-regularly walk up to me and ask me questions that are things I know about (like “how to move forward in a spiritual crisis” or “where to find people who like to hug trees”) but not things I have any reason to believe that they know I know about. This probably happens to you all the time, so I bet it doesn’t seem all that wacky to you 🙂
Question that seems unbelievably wacky to me: “So, are you going to have kids?” Er, wait, why are you asking me that again?
Hmm. I have a yoga mat but it’s in storage. I don’t do a lot of yoga, but when I do I’m content with a rugged floor (i.e. floor with rug, not a macho rough floor) or a big towel. As a tall person, I prefer not to be boxed in by a short narrow yoga mat.
Also, I dig that you’re a tree-hugging roller derby lover. Always thought that was cool about you.
It never occurred to me that you might lie about your gentleman friend’s gender. Just seems like it’d be so much effort against the very things you write about: destuckification, sovereignty, being yourself out loud. Love your answer though.
Probably the oddest (& coolest) thing some people have asked me is what country I’m from because they can’t place my accent. One started with, “Your English is very good,” which pleased & amused me because I’m from here, the US.
.-= claire´s last post … Autumn in action, part deux =-.
I am so upset with the yoga mat PVC thing. I bought one a few weeks ago and can never use it because I can smell the poisons clawing their way in.
I never really think about what I’d like to be asked. I usually ask all the questions due to some insatiable curiosity I have to know about people’s lives and how they live in their alone moments.
I think I’d like to be asked the same questions by someone who really seemed genuinely curious (other than my husband).
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last post … A Ritual Exchange in New England =-.
This is great. I’m feeling relieved that you also get asked ridiculous questions or want to rewrite the ones you do get asked.
@Claire – ooh, me too! I mean, I get all the time the “my goodness your English is terrific”, which is completely annoying. Apparently the decade overseas killed my accent, but still.
@Lydia – Mmm. Genuine Curiosity. That *is* nice. I like your ask.
@Sarah – yes yes yes! That is the worst question, and asked way too often. That’s its own post or three. *sighs*
@Kelly – I adore you. Please tell me more about puppetry, dog autobiographies, and famous inventors. Preferably at the same time. You totally should write about all of that.
@Charlotte – silly girl! If my gentleman friend were my lady friend, he would be tough as nails. No lace!
Grandkiddable. Thanks @willie!
Wow. I get a version of “tree hugging hippie/roller derby fan” confuse-the-stereotypes comment too. And so does my husband. We are environmentally aware, spiritual-growth-oriented and do in fact hug trees whenever we’re in the woods … and we both like truck-stop diners, ’60s muscle cars, and Jackie Chan. Oh, and we both get comments about how we “look so normal” fairly often.
.-= Anna-Liza´s last post … Pollyanna colors outside the lines =-.
Hi Sweetie,
What fun! First of all I never doubted for a MINUTE that your gentleman friend was a boy… uh, guy….uh MAN!! But I always DID wonder how he got dubbed with that particular moniker. What a great story.
And your whole roller derby-tree hugging- wacky duck maven-barmaid- pirate queen extraordinaire magnificent complexity is something that I completely ADORE about you. When people first meet my fabulous and sweetly sensitive, long haired artist husband they automatically assume that he is a vegetarian. And then are totally SHOCKED to find out about his carnivorous ways.
Love you tons. Give a big hug to Hiro from me!!
Chris
.-= chris zydel´s last post … CREATIVITY TIME BANDITS: What Stops YOU From Living A More Creative Life? =-.
The thing I like about yoga, or one of the things I like about yoga anyway, is that you don’t need special shoes to do it.
People ask me all the time how long it takes to knit a pair of socks or a sweater or whatnot. Since I knit 30 minutes here, 40 minutes there, I have absolutely no idea. It might take 2 months, but how much time I actually spend knitting it? Not a clue.
.-= Riin´s last post … Blog Action Day 2009: Climate Change =-.
Oh my. Well I’ve pretty much confused people all my life. (ha) I’m bubbly, but smart. I’m…um…bubbly, but deeply serious. I have a wicked sense of humor that can sometimes seem jaded (or quartz, whatever) but really isn’t. And try having that sometimes naturally seep out as you’re being ‘corporate’ in a meeting with someone like Toyota or Samsung or Macromedia (which is now part of Adobe) and having them wonder if you understand business. (The answer is yes.) But I gave up years ago trying to explain it or make it fit. I’m me and it works. 😉
All the best!
deb
.-= Deb Owen´s last post … an exciting new community (a huge announcement) =-.
@Sarah: Or worse, people just assume that you are going to have kids and go straight to ask “So, *when* are you going to have kids?” (yeah, it happened to me (again) lately). Er, “when” is irrelevant here because no, I’m not going to have kids. And then, of course they have to go on with “but why?”… Er, do I really have to explain myself? And do you even care for real? {sigh}
.-= Josiane´s last post … Noticing – the dragonfly edition =-.
I’m one of those people that always get asked for directions. Especially years ago when I lived in a big city and worked on a college campus, not a week went by that I didn’t get asked where the admissions office was, or how to get to the bus stop. It kind of became a joke among my friends. It never bugged me because I always took it as a sign that I looked safe and friendly.
.-= Liz´s last post … Maybe you’re losing it… maybe you just need a nap! (Twitter version) =-.
I get asked for directions all the time. Including when I’m traveling. In foreign countries. Where I clearly do not look like a native. I deduced that it’s because I walk quickly and purposefully – so I must look like I know where I’m going. Except I never do. I have no sense of direction and am generally misplaced and always trust my instincts (which have pretty much been consistently proven wrong). I just have a fast paced walk. I guess it could be the safe/friendly thing too .. I do smile and giggle to myself a lot, LOL.
Thank you for sharing the “gentleman friend” story! I wondered how that came about.
.-= Elizabeth´s last post … it must be providence =-.
“I’m content with a rugged floor (i.e. floor with rug, not a macho rough floor)”
@claire, that made me LOL so hard!
Whenever I invite someone to roller derby, they ask, ‘Um, is it okay if we just watch?’
I was talking to a vegan friend once about the questions she gets asked all the time. Apparently a common one is, ‘If a monkey made you dinner, would you eat it?’
I would never have thought to ask that.
For my very last year of trick or treating as a kid — I was thirteen, I think — I dressed up as a Roller Derby queen. Yes, I was trick or treating on skates…in the dark…on a damp, cold night. At one point, I slipped on a clump of wet leaves and fell in the middle of the road. I was still a bit stunned, trying to recover, when a car began moving towards me — not very fast, thank goodness. Two of my friends each grabbed an elbow and wheeled me to the curb, then helped me to my feet. If I hadn’t still been a bit dazed, walking around afterwords, I don’t think I would have brushed against that stepladder with the nail-or-something sticking out from the side. I ended up getting several stitches in my left calf. You can still see the scar if you look very closely.
Apparently, I was wishing someone would ask me to tell that story. 🙂
.-= spiralsongkat´s last post … Some people cry at weddings… =-.
Yay Havi for being a complex person who doesn’t fit in a descriptive box! Or, um, within the boundaries of a neon purple PVC yoga mat. (Here’s a question for you…if I happen to be someone who bought one of those nasty yoga mats years ago before I knew any better, is there ANY good thing that can be done with it?)
There are two questions that I get asked frequently. First question: “What kind of artist are you?” Still figuring that out, thanks, but I’m happy to rattle off the long list of materials/processes I have experimented with and the even longer list of ones I haven’t tried yet. Second question (because I am a female person who DOES have a lady friend): “Do you two want to have kids together, and if so, how exactly do you plan to do that?” Sigh. I don’t think this is what the second wave of feminists meant when they said the personal is political.
.-= Tracy´s last post … Reflection: Beginning, and Beginning, and Beginning =-.
@Tracy YES! Me and my “lady friend” also get questions like that…all the more so because I’m starting a doula business and so I’m really immersed in the childbirth community. I get people’s curiosity…but it’s still a little weird.
Havi and all….
There you go again. Crawling inside my brain and having the “outloud” version of my own conversation. Another round of pregnancies at my church and here comes THAT question. Duck it. Smooth it over. Smile and shrug. You name it, we’ve done it. And all I want to do is ask them (politely or not…) what does our choice mean to you?
These are shoes people lob at me. The quiet “oh”… The careful comments. The elbow ribbing. The “when’s it your turn? *wink*… The reminder that “you’re not getting any younger…” (I know exactly how old I am. Seriously. Would you want a woman so feeble-minded she can’t remember her age to raise a child?)
People think that throwing baby shoes is ok. They’re so cute. They’re so small. (Man, they are expensive…) But a shoe is a shoe. The little ones can sting as much, if not more, than the big chunky ones. Sigh, with the realization that the sound I’m hearing is not the “pitter-patter” of little feet, but the rain of baby shoes falling all around me.
I want to ask them if I will truly disrupt the space/time continuum if we don’t have babies. Will the streams cross and the world vaporize in an instant? Is this really the measure of a person – the creation of more persons? It’s my trigger and my litmus test of progress.
Ah, the baby question. And once you have one, I can report that the question doesn’t go away. It simply morphs into, “When are you going to have another kid?” Um, huh. OK. And when you say never? Yes, you invite lectures about how horrible it is to be an only child. Um. Hmmm. Right.
@Elizabeth: I also get asked for directions everywhere I go. I think you’re right. It’s the walking-with-purpose thing. Except, it also happens all the time when I’m driving. Maybe it’s the non-threatening-looking woman thing?
.-= Emily´s last post … Keeping the Signal Clear =-.
As far as I could tell, the only reason for having a yoga mat was to tell your cat exactly where to lie down when you were hovering in downward dog. However, if I’d had a choice of @Claire’s rugged floor (macho rugged variety) I think I would choose that.
Havi and Hiro – have a (tree) hugging, stripey socks delight of a time together.
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Bringer of Blessings | Rest & Receiver =-.
Oh yes the kid question. Fortunately I don’t have much tact, especially for stupid questions.
Stupid person: When are you having kids?
Me: We’re not.
Stupid person overcomes stun and asks: WWHHHYYYYY?
Me: Because I don’t want kids.
Usually puts an end to the conversation.
Amy, I totally understand about the church thing. I got really lucky when I became an Episcopalian. I’m at a small liberal church with two other married women who never had children and never wanted them. So now it’s not such a big thing. But when I was evangelical…let’s just say oy vey and leave it at that.
My other favorite stupid person question took place while I was in seminary in several church foyers.
Stupid person: Are you going to seminary to be a pastor’s wife?
Me: No, I’m going to seminary to be a pastor. My husband will be the pastor’s wife.
Stupid person finds someone else to talk to. Although I do have to thank these stupid people: they gave me the idea for my M. A. thesis, Your Daughters Shall Prophesy: A Biblical Theology of Women in Ministry.
Sometime having no tact has its good moments.
.-= Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last post … The So-called “Biblical” Marry a Strong-ER Christian Man Myth =-.
When people ask me if//when I am going to get married, I look worried and say “I don’t think I’m mature enough to get married.” (I’m 31.)
Then they laugh, and point out the example of themselves, or another couple, or whoever. “See, they’re not mature, but they’re married!” they say.
Then I say “Well, then . . . I guess I’m not immature enough to get married.” Either way, they get the idea.
But really, there are lots of smart answers to that question and the kids question . . but, yes, it still hurts for people to ask anyway. (The last time I had to answer that, I said “Um, well . . you see, the joy of marriage and motherhood is scary and bad for me. But I understand it’s nice for other people.”)
I figure asking somebody personal questions about having children is, really, kind of like saying “Let’s talk publicly about your uterus!” So I’ve prepared several rude answers about my uterus juuust incase I’m expected to enter into an unwanted rude discussion about it.
Well, at least I never get asked the baby question, since I’m single as can be. I do get this one: how come a nice girl like you is still single? Right.
The one single question I get asked all the time but is actually forbidden: how’s the dissertation coming along? Do not go there, please, especially not on the few occasions I’m trying to forget all about it and be social. The few people that ask the Forbidden Question because they really care and not just to make sound know that it has been named and ask about it as if it’s a person. Gently.
Oh yes, the annoying baby question. Recently I happened to bump into an ex-colleague I hadn’t seen in years and literally the first thing he said after “hi” was “Still no kids?”. Serious. Other people don’t dare to be that blunt but the question is still somehow hovering in the air.
An extra post on this would be much appreciated, Havi.
Married questions, baby questions, thoughtlessly rude questions. Since I see the comments are still growing on this post, may I offer Pema Chodron’s wisdom on the subject?
The post is titled Pema Chodron, Skillful Answers to Disgraceful Questions
http://luminousheart.com/2009/08/pema-chodron/
Part 2 is here:
http://luminousheart.com/2009/08/mindfulness-skillful-answer/
I hope this may be as useful to you as it has been to me.
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Thoughts On Giving & Receiving =-.
@mahala I remember reading that on your blog now! Yes, really a wonderful response. Like the young man in the story, I think people don’t understand how personal or painful their questions can be. And in the case of asking my girlfriend and I not just when/if but HOW we would have kids…I think people are genuinely curious about something they know little about and feel comfortable enough with me to ask. Anyway, my point is that as frustrated as I can feel with this sort of prying, I don’t want to shame people while setting my boundaries. Which is what is really beautiful about the Pema Chodron response. Thanks for sharing it with us (again).
@emilylime – So glad it helped to see Pema Chodron’s post again. I was a little hesitant to link to it here. Your response reminds me, too, how much these intrusions hurt exactly because they are triggery for us. You don’t want to shame people while setting your boundaries. But I’d bet some our your/our friends would be unhappy to know they’ve invaded and hurt us. How I love the word “skillful means.”
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Thoughts On Giving & Receiving =-.
@Mahala – I am so so so glad you posted your piece. I had been meaning to do it and forgot. It’s lovely.
And @everyone else … I just want to say how much I get this. Because ow. I do.
This will probably have to be its own post, but some thoughts:
— one thing I’ve found helpful when people ask me about why I don’t have kids (kind of a variation on Mahala’s thing) is “you know, that’s a really personal thing for me and it’s not something I feel comfortable talking about.”
Works best when given with a smile and a shrug.
For people who press I do start to want the more “gaaah, get your greedy eyes off my uterus” reactions though.
— another thing is just basic variations on NVC:
“I’m feeling uncomfortable when you ask why I’m not having kids because I need to know that you support the way I live my life” or whatever it is.
— I do *try* to remind myself that people are curious, and at the same time I definitely have a lot of resentment around some of the questions.
— “That’s not a question I feel like answering” has also worked for me. Though not with my parents. And not in Israel.
— my all-time least-favorite question: “Don’t you think it’s selfish to not have children?” Answer: No ………