I’ve been working pretty much non-stop on this for a couple years now.
I’ve written about how stuckified I can get with saying NO. And composed so many Very Personal Ads asking for help finding that elusive, gracious NO.
Because that’s what I want:
To be able to give a gracious, sweet NO.
A NO that has kindness in it.
A clear, firm, loving, sovereign NO.
Anyway, I’ve recently gotten way better at it.
So here are a bunch of not very organized thoughts.
Note: this is all stuff that has worked for me.
I’m trying to isolate principles instead of giving you something prescriptive, but make it work for you. Take what appeals to you and throw the rest away.
–> One more thing. I’m sticking to business-related stuff here because that’s 99% of the things people ask me for, but you can extrapolate to other situations as well.
Reassurances.
The saying of the No. It is so fraught.
Not for everyone, because people vary — but for a lot of us.
It’s not like we learn how to do this in kindergarten. So the agonizing over but whyyyyyyyyy can’t I do this is not really all that relevant. If it’s hard, it’s hard.
Forgivable. Human.
The thing I never say.
This is a cheesy-sounding piece of advice that works like you would not believe. The number one thing I do is to avoid the word “but” at all costs.
Everything goes better without that “but”.
As soon as you say “Thanks for asking but …”, everything after the BUT is just [perceived] rejection rejection rejection.
The thing I always include.
I sincerely wish them luck with their thing.
Because I really do hope people will connect with whoever they need to connect with, even if I don’t happen to want to be a part of it.
“I won’t be able to join you for your event — I wish you lots of success with it, and hope you get all the right people for it.”
“This isn’t something I have the capacity for. I’m hoping that you enjoy every minute of it and that it’s a wonderful experience.”
The sequencing.
Generally my NOs are composed of the following elements, in the following order.
- appreciation for being asked (“how sweet of you to think of me”)
- a clear no (“this isn’t going to work for me” or “I won’t be able to participate”)
- wishes for their success (good for them for wanting to make something happen)
You can skip that last one if what they’re doing seems evil or gross. Though really, if the ask is that unappealing, you could just ignore it.
Systems.
Oh how I love systems.
For example, I don’t do email, which means that my First Mate says the NO for me. Ahhhhhh, distance.
Part of that system is the criteria I’ve given for what kinds of things I’m excited about. Anything else gets a gracious NO.
Another useful system is having some FAQs. Or a policy page about what kinds of things you are interested in saying yes to.
These are things you can casually point people to in your NO.
“I don’t know if I’ve shared my systems page with you before — here’s where you’ll find my general guidelines for the kinds of projects I’m taking on right now. Again, so much luck with what you’re doing and all my best.”
Giving the kind of NO you want to receive.
This is my variation on what Paul Grilley (featured in my non-sucky yoga package) says in his yoga teacher trainings:
“Be the kind of student you want to teach.”
Asking is hard enough. Getting a NO makes it all that more painful.
Yeah, I know that the ask is the first win and that it’s a useful skill and that the NO doesn’t say anything about you. But it’s still hard to hear.
And I still remember every single “but what you do is not a good fit for us” that I’ve ever gotten.*
* The best part of biggification is that once you biggify enough for your people to find you, there’s no need to run around asking people to care about your thing.
Honestly, If I’m going to ask for something, I’d always really rather receive a loving, gracious NO. So that’s what I try to give.
Sometimes this is really challenging.
I probably feel so strongly about giving the gracious NO — maybe a little too strongly — because of all the times I’ve screwed this one up.
So many times that I have not been even slightly gracious or loving.
Especially when people ask for things that annoy me. Especially since I already have to say no to so many things. Especially since some pitches are so disastrously off-base.
I know they’re not trying to annoy me. They just don’t get what’s important to me.
And I know I’ll make my own mistakes as someone who asks.
So my practice is to try to get better at the NO that is kind and patient, while still establishing clear boundaries.
There’s way more stuff I want to say.
About being gracious with yourself.
About making room for not-having-to-do-things.
About how I make decisions.
But I’m still processing lots of things about what gracious is all about. And how it interacts with clear, firm, loving and sovereign .
So I’ll stop here.
And … comment zen for today.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a practice. We try to remember that people vary. We try to notice where our stuff is coming up and not get it mixed up with other people’s stuff. That’s it. Big love.
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I always loved Anne LaMott’s saying, “No is a complete sentence,” but the “formula” you’ve given here is much better and more gracious for business situations. I also love the idea of having thought through ahead of time what kinds of things you want to say yes to.
Oh my gosh, I love this, especially the part about wishing them luck. I always try to do that too.
I also find saying no very difficult, especially when you don’t have a reason why you’d rather not do it, but only a lack of time to focus on it. It gets stressful when you have several nice opportunities you’d like to take, but can’t take them all.
My personal habit of trying to find space for everything I want to do has left me drained more times than I’d like to admit. Probably the best solution for that is upping the ante a little bit in terms of what’s the right fit and what isn’t. 🙂
Thanks, Havi!
.-= Naomi Niles´s last post … Friday Guest Posts Roundup =-.
Something I’ve struggled with is the language of “I won’t be able to do that” because it feels like a lie. It’s not that I’m not ABLE to, I’m choosing not to. For about two years now I’ve had a policy of never lying when turning down events and it’s served me really well. Like when someone invites me I say “no thanks” or “I won’t make it” instead of pretending I have something else to do. I have to say I think this no-pretending-I-want-to-do-things-when-I-don’t thing has really crept into other areas of my life in a really good way. Although it can be difficult – recently someone got really pissed off at me for leaving their party because I just said I was ready to go while she argued with me about what I had to do instead (basically attempting to goad me into the norm of making up a lie). Not fun.
BUT I have struggled with how to apply this policy in the context you’re talking about. Some phrases I have used –
It’s not the right match for me
It’s not what I’m focused on right now (even this one has a little bit of lie, because I often use it when the truth is that would NEVER be my focus!)
I’m not accepting ____ right now (ugh, often a full out or semi lie not really a good one)
I’m really looking forward to hearing the specific language others have used for a gracious no!
.-= Laura Roeder´s last post … How to Automate Scheduled Updates Across All of Your Social Networks =-.
What a fabulous post! My philosophy for the last few years has been “it’s easier to start with a no, and then change your mind to a yes, than to say yes and wish you’d said no”… of course, I adopted that philosophy only after my own tendency to say “yes” automatically nearly killed me from stress-related burn out 🙁
Of course, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so having a nice way to say “no” is always helpful!
@Laura – one way that I look at the “I’m not able to do that right now”, is that the not able part of the sentence can simply mean “I am not able to do that and be true to myself” (or alternatively, and not be stressed out by it, etc).
For me, not being able to help someone with something doesn’t have to be about not having the skills/time/whatever. It can generate from a personal need that would not be met if I were to help them. I don’t need to explain all the reasons behind not being able to, but the unable still applies.
.-= Heidi´s last post … How taking responsibility makes you powerful =-.
Havi, thanks for sharing your process with naysaying, as you do with so many other issues that challenge our sovereignty.
When I’m connected with what’s true for me right now, my Yes or No is clear, loving, and ultimately kind.
Any response that comes from my wholeness connects me with the other person in their wholeness too. Then, the exchange is a healing and blessing for both of us. One sovereign being to another.
I try not to make decisions when I’m feeling cranky, irritable, or generally reactive. Waiting until I feel connected with my self again brings me to a more wholehearted No, if the answer in my heart is No. And because it comes from a loving place, it’s seldom misunderstood.
Love,Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Elegy =-.
I love what you say about the word ‘but’. And I think you’re bang on. It’s hard to resist, but still probably not helpful.
I’m also glad to see that I’m pretty much following your steps already. Pretty much. At least, when I successfully resist the ‘but’.
.-= Amber´s last post … Embracing Simplicity =-.
A beautiful, important message Havi.
I identify with wanting the ‘No’ to be sweet, mindful and compassionate.
Saying ‘No’ seems to be a common challenge in American culture, and even more common amongst our women.
When I lived in Austria for 2 years I noticed the Europeans around me said No with gusto. Regularly and without conflict.
I believe as women come ever greater into their power, embracing the power of No will be an integral stepping stone.
(oh yeah, no is good for you guys too 🙂
Blessings,
I get to say ‘no’ a lot. Often to young hopeful artist type people, which doesn’t make it easier.
I often end up trying to put a kind of ‘it’s not you it’s me’ thing into it, which is generally true, often I get asked for projects that look really cool, but aren’t right for me. It’s still hard though, and I’m sure it hurts a lot of the time.
Saying ‘no’ well is harrrrd.
.-= Willie Hewes´s last post … Chocolate Milk after Workouts =-.
Your old asking is the 1st win post is fascinating. Hadn’t seen that one before. Thanks for linking it!
No’s can be tough. As I learn to better phrase my asks so that people feel they really do have a choice, i.e. no repercussions for saying no (NVC FTW!), I see that I get tripped up by unsovereign askers*.
*people (mom) whose asks are heavy with yes expectation and judgment for no’s.
In that case, I’m working on getting her to rephrase her asks. “How would you like to…?” is irrelevant when what you really mean is, “Please do this for me.” I’m not saying no generally, but it does feel more sovereign for me when I get her to be direct. If that makes any sense…
.-= claire´s last post … Awareness is the new black =-.
Excellent post!
What really gives me the strength to say no is to remind myself that, when I don’t say NO to someone else but want to… I’m saying NO to myself.
This actually came up for me during a yoga class yesterday. I wasn’t feeling it, yet I stayed there because I felt it would be disrespectful to just get up and go in the middle of the class.
But then I started getting all angry at myself because I wasn’t following my gut.
And then I realized I was disrespecting myself. So I got up, bowed namaste to the teacher and left.
And I felt SO much better afterwards for staying true to my gut and taking care of me!
A couple of questions: what are your thoughts in terms of how to say NO to family? ALl that guilt shows up and it gets so tricky!
Lastly, it occurs to me that women might have a harder time saying NO than men, due to our upbringing. What’s your opinion?
.-= Melody´s last post … Orgasmic Dancing: Exercise and Exorcise =-.
It’s funny that this post went up today, Havi, because I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. When I first started out I heard no all the time (I think all writer’s have that experience in common), and like you say in your post, I still remember every last one and how they made me feel.
Now that I’m more established, I’ve realized that in some ways the positions are reversed. I get lots of emails about guest posts, questions about copywriting and running a business, and help on various projects. I think as a result of my early experiences, I have trouble saying no to any of it because I remember how it effected me when I heard that.
I appreciate this post, as I’m trying to figure out how to say no graciously to a variety of things, and be more sovereign in my own life, and in my work. It’s hard not to let your own emotional experiences overflow into the requests you get from other people.
.-= Holly´s last post … The Five Keys to Unconventional Marketing =-.
Claire, really like your idea of teaching people in your life how you’d like them to make requests of you. Obviously a certain degree of closeness is needed for that, but I love it.
.-= Sue Mitchell´s last post … When Was the Last Time You Danced in the Rain? =-.
Oh, I need SO. Much. Help. with saying NO. Graciously or otherwise. My default setting, for the longest time, was yes. Now it’s maybe, but I still find myself agreeing to things I don’t want to do. Most often in business.
I am off to apply what I have learnt here. Gulp.
Oh, yes, the wishing them good fortune can be amazing. I had that happen just recently. A young lady came to the door, wanting to do odd jobs for money.
I said ‘no’, but that I sincerely wished her good fortune in achieving her goal. And her eyes lit up. It was a great feeling.
Thank you for this post today. It’s also helped me realize what hurt about a situation today. Which makes it hurt a lot less.
Thank you! 🙂
It’s a lot easier for me to say ‘no’ to someone or something when I remember that saying ‘yes’ to them is necessarily saying ‘no’ to something else. And this ‘something else’ is likely to be me! I’ve tried to cultivate a practice of seeing every ‘no’ as a ‘yes’ to something else (and of course, every ‘yes’ is a ‘no’ to all the other things I might have done instead.) They really are two sides of the same coin.
When I want or need to soften my ‘no,’ I’ll often say something like, “I’m sure your thing will be wonderful, and I have a previous commitment.” No one needs to know that sometimes the commitment is not to over-commit myself!
I love the term “the gracious no.” It captures exactly what I’d like to do more regularly.
.-= Liz´s last post … Summertime and the Livin’ Ain’t Easy =-.
Such a fabulous post Havi!
This is so up for me as I recover from some hard lessons due to not saying “no.” Granted I am nursing a baby, so I think the volume is turned up on my discomfort level with “no” (babies need us to say “yes”), but I am really blown away at how difficult it is for women to say “no.” I just had to let go on my web developer (hence the wacky looking site) and was bedridden for two days.
I am studying the work of Allison Armstrong who explains that for thousands of years women survived by being pleasing – so saying “no” goes against our survival instincts and can feel (like with my ex-developer) life threatening. The disturbance is very real.
I am also a HUGE fan of Regena Thomashauer, who asserts that a woman who is fierce about her own state of pleasure says “no thank you” like sweet pearls coming off her lips. So true.
Great topic.
Hi Havi,
Thanks for the post. Just the other day a friend and me were discussing how to say “no” powerfully. The three steps will really work for me. Sending it to my friend forthwith …
.-= solidgoldcreativity´s last post … Julia carries the day =-.
For years I’ve been struggling with saying no. What I find hardest is when someone asks me to do something in person, because I don’t always immediately know if I can or want to do it. It often happened that my initial not very firm no got questioned and persuaded into a yes anyway – usually by people that only think of their own interest and not mine. The trick I’ve learned is to delay the no. Now, I’ll tell them that I’ll think about it and get back to them later (at a specified time: ‘tomorrow’, ‘after lunch’). Then, if the answer is no, they know I have considered it and not just dismissed it. I might offer an alternative for a meeting request of point to resources to help them solve their problem themselves. If it is a yes, I can also tell them by what time I can have their request done. Added bonus: I’ve taught people they cannot dump post-haste things on my plate, because I will not give immediate responses and will do things for them when I can do them. For urgent requests, they now seek other people that have trouble saying no.
Saying no in e-mail has also taken some time to learn. Apparently, we are conditioned to justify a no. And the justification is usually an excuse, because the real reason might be a (perceived) shoe to the other party. So, like other commenter mice, I’ve decided not to make up excuses anymore, but also not add any information that might be taken as a shoe. I’ve found that a nice no, such as described followed by sincere well-wishing, rarely gets questioned.
“Refusal is elegance.” –Coco Chanel
I have always wanted to try the refusal from Melville’s “Bartleby the Scrivener”. He just says “I prefer not to.” This is really, really hard to do, simple as it sounds.
@Shirls — Oh, my goodness, yes, I agree, very difficult and also very powerful. When I say “I can’t,” the asker sometimes seems to believe that negotiations are still open: “Why can’t you? Tell me your reasons, so I can attempt to subvert them!” (To be fair, I’m probably also giving off awkward, oh-I-hate-to-say-no vibes that may also send the mistaken message that negotiations are still open.) If I am able to say, “I prefer not to…” — well, yeah. Sovereign. Send a much clearer message, both to the asker and to myself.
Thanks for this post, Havi.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … Intention =-.
Happy 99 chickens! And vacation too!
The Hard:
-Hot, hazy and humid. Definitely no fun 🙁
-Work has been hard for 2 weeks now. I really need a break.
-Struggles I just can’t talk about yet.
-Making difficult decisions.
-My body is not cooperating.
The Good:
-Nice, cooler dry weekend weather expected!
-Good friends.
-4 day weekend!
-Pay week.
-Iced coffee
-Homemade dinner with my honey and a ride to the beach for sunset!
Enjoy the weekend.
.-= Stacy´s last post … Sum… Sum… Summertime =-.
Love love love your NO guidelines – wishing people success with their thing IS so gracious. Wonderful!
Thanks, Sue. I think the benefit of getting people to be direct is that they understand more what they are asking of you and why you then respond the way you do.
I don’t have an itching desire to do a lot of the things my mom asks when she says, “How would you like to…?” so it’s better when the question becomes, “Would you please…?” because then my yes is a choice to help her if I can, not about the task being something I wanted to do anyway.
Which I suppose means that I want credit for being helpful. Yup, that would be true, so perhaps I’m not that evolved. However, that recognition (proportionate to the ask) lets me feel sovereign rather than at someone’s beck and call.
.-= claire´s last post … Sketchbook- page 35 =-.
Claire, I think often requests are phrased the way they are because the person feels uncomfortable asking.
In my family, we have the odd habit of starting with requests with, “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to…” It’s meant sort of facetiously, but people don’t always take it that way, and if they don’t, it’s a really insulting way to ask for something! That’s just how I heard my dad, in particular, ask for things, so I did it, too, until my husband pointed out how icky it is and asked me to come up with a better way.
My point is just that people are usually well-intended but just don’t realize how the way they phrase the request affects us.
.-= Sue Mitchell´s last post … When Was the Last Time You Danced in the Rain =-.
I totally get what you’re saying. To some, it might appear that I’m overreacting to grammar, but in my family language is a pretty big deal.
What I like best about getting my mom to rephrase is that it also bolsters her sovereignty (not that I’m likely to try to explain that to her). When I say, “Please rephrase that to ask me directly,” I’m telling her that she’s allowed to have unqualified asks and that I’m more likely to look favorably upon them. She’s actually gotten a lot better about it.
.-= claire´s last post … Sketchbook- page 35 =-.
Good point! It makes both people more powerful when requests are phrased in a direct, respectful way.
.-= Sue Mitchell´s last post … When Was the Last Time You Danced in the Rain =-.