I had big crazy plans to wrap up a bunch of the Ask Havi posts over the holiday “break”. Hahahahaha. Yes. Well.
That hasn’t really happened. Other things happened instead, which turned out to be the right things.
I did get to a few though, and today I’m pleased to put up an especially meta Ask Havi question that (she types hopefully) almost for sure won’t make anyone cry.
It didn’t make me cry, so we’re already getting somewhere. 🙂
Here it is.
How long have you lived without TV? Do you not have one at all, or do you have one that your gentleman friend watches and you don’t?
I’ve felt very compelled to give up TV for, like, a year now, and I just don’t, partially because I adore some of the shows on TV (I’m such a sucker for crime and medical dramas), and partially because when I called to cancel my cable, I discovered that I pay less for cable + internet service than I would for internet service without cable television. (Lame.)
But the fact that the urge to disconnect from TV has stayed with me so strongly for so long makes me think that my spirit is really trying to tell me something.
Maybe there are epiphanies waiting for me that I can’t connect to while TV is still a part of my daily existence? Ponderable.
Ah, decisions.
I can’t answer this yet.
Come hang out inside my head for a minute while I deal with some meta-issues first.
One of the problems I have while answering Ask Havi questions is that I can never decide whether to answer the question that the asker thinks they’re asking or if I should really answer the one that I think they’re asking.
The questions I want to answer — the ones that seem to be at the heart of the matter — almost never get asked out loud.
To me this question is asking two things:
- Do I have to give up this thing I like in order to grow internally in some important way? I suspect that I do, but am kind of hoping I don’t … so what do you think?
- If the answer to the first question is the one I don’t want to hear, but am willing to maybe actually try it … how do I do it? How do I end an addiction?
On the other hand, who am I to say that the asker really wants answers to the questions that I think she’s asking?
I mean, she’s an adult. She’s a smart cookie. Maybe she just wants me to answer the darn question already.
You see my conundrum?
And it gets worse. Because invariably the answers to the questions that I want to answer are longer and more complex. And my posts are way too long as it is. And asking for clarifications to every Ask Havi question would be just too much.
Alright. We’ll try doing a double feature here. Your questions and my questions.
Question you asked #1: How long have you lived without TV?
My gentleman friend and I both grew up in television-free homes.
Neither of us had one when we met, and it was ridiculously easy to agree not to have one in the house.
We will occasionally rent every single episode of Starsky & Hutch ever made a television series DVD from Netflix, which we watch on my gentleman friend’s laptop. And we regularly ingest movies that way — but that’s pretty much it.
We’re no strangers to television addiction, though.
We both went through periods in university where we were serious junkies. In fact, my own experience is that television addiction is always more intense in media-protected people like us than in “normal” people because we don’t have that youthful “TV-resistance” built up!
I spent most of my university years watching television. It was pretty much the best drug I’d ever found. If it was around, I wanted it on. And if it was on, I couldn’t do anything but stare at it.
After the divorce, my husband kept both of our televisions along with everything else we owned (would you like some fries with your bitterness, Havi?) and I was working two jobs and struggling to pay rent.
So I wouldn’t have been able to afford a television, and even if I had, there wouldn’t have been time to watch it. That pretty much solved that.
Question you asked #2: Epiphanies that television is blocking?
Maybe. It’s quite possible.
There’s (at least) one very clear way to find out, right?
Question that I think you’re asking #1: Is it time for me to stop watching television?
Well, it sounds like you’re getting a strong hit that the answer is “yes”. But since you’re asking me, you’re maybe not sure it’s a yes. Or you’re hoping it might not be a yes.
I can’t tell you for sure that it’s a yes, because that’s not my area.
So let’s sidestep this question.
If you knew for sure that letting go of the television pattern would open you up to new understandings about yourself, would you want to do it?
If no, then we’re done. If yes, then I would say take your time with it.
But that’s really getting into “second question I think you’re asking” territory.
Question that I think you’re asking #2: So how do I quit?
Well. This is really more the subject of a book than a post. Which is to say we’ll barely scratch the surface of it here.
That said, here’s the way to begin working with any habit:
All habits are the same. They’re collections of unconscious patterns, and it’s our job to make these patterns conscious. But in as sweet and loving a way as we can possibly stand it.
What this means is this:
You don’t want to forbid watching television. Because that will create resistance. And resistance creates stuck.
What you do want to do is to bring more conscious awareness into the pattern and into your relationship with television itself. (I’ve written about this already — in fact, specifically with television as an example — in the little-known self-work practice of watching TV.)
You turn the act of watching television into part of your practice.
Treat the act of sitting down and spending time with it just like you were practicing yoga or meditating. Make your relationship with watching television something that you get to work on.
With the intention that you’re ready to learn what it is that you need to learn so that you can release the need for this habit.
It starts with asking yourself clearer questions.
For example, you start asking to learn more about this habit, this pattern. What needs are this pattern filling? And what can you do to get better at meeting those needs with love and understanding and patience?
You ask yourself what you can do to be gentle and kind with yourself while you’re playing with these patterns.
You ask yourself what you can do to remind yourself that you’re trying to be as loving and forgiving with yourself as you can, if you can.
You ask yourself to remember that you’re allowed to have needs that are asking for attention.
All of these questions (ideally) help you remember that oh right, the more compassionate, patient, conscious Paying Attention you bring to the process — without resistance-building shoulds and guilt — the easier it is to shift things.
And not only to shift things, but to understand how you work and what you really need … and whether any of this really has to do with television at all, and if so, how much and so on.
So you’re really only going to answer my question with more questions?
Is that where you think I’m going with this?
Just kidding. I’ll stop. It’s not easy, because I’m Jewish, but I’ll try to not end all of my thoughts with question marks.
But I guess my point is that questions are almost always useful. And that often the thing we think we’re asking isn’t always the thing we want to know.
Which is why the best question — and this is the one I take with me into meditation or Shiva Nata when I need answers — is the one where you ask yourself what you need to know.
“What do I need to know right now?”
“Is there an easier way I haven’t thought of yet?”
“What’s missing?”
“What do I already know that I’m not paying attention to?”
And then you keep asking.
And reminding yourself that you’re allowed to take as much time as you need to understand whatever it is that you need to understand. And be willing to be surprised.
That’s it. I’m out of wisdom for this morning. Let me know how it goes!
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oh my, so itchy-yummy! (though i do feel my 3rd-eye twitching uncontrollably 🙂
Another thing I found by accident now that I rarely watch shows when they’re broadcast (PVR, downloads) is that you really find out what you want to watch vs what you’re just used to watching.
There are episodes I really look forward to seeing, and a couple shows I miss when the season ends… and then there’s stuff I thought I was totally jazzed about, but find myself never getting around to watching. Oh, I need to finish that book to get it back to the library. Oh, I really shouldn’t let those dishes pile up any longer… And so they sit.
While deciding to divest yourself of a TV is certainly a much bigger decision, separating your interest from your habits might be a handy way to get a handle on where you’re really at. Kinda how one recommendation for quitting smoking is to change your patterns to not smoke when you usually do and to smoke when you don’t want to.
Regardless, good luck figuring it all out. 🙂
Melanie Bakers last blog post..Sporting
I’ve also found that using my DVR (records live TV) has brought a mindfulness to watching TV. Now I only watch what I want to watch, when I want to watch it & never spend anytime just watching “what’s on”. This has helped me narrow down what I really love and want to keep & what was just “filler” in the evening. Because my work (spinning yarn) requires sitting still, using my hands (but not my eyes and brain that much), intentional TV is pretty fantastic.
Taras last blog post..Merry Christmas!
wow…i grew up with *lot’s* of television…like, that was just what we did! every night. from dinner to bed. and every saturday morning for sure. and most afternoons immediately upon getting home from school.yikes!
perhaps this explains my loathing? yep. having seen every episode of gilligan’s island at least 5 times, having a head full of favorite captain kirk quotations (“i didn’t understand you because you spoke it so poorly”), i was actually so happy when i lost both the televisions in the divorce (strange synchronicity there, eh?) and it was probably then a year and a half before i ever watched a tv again…and that was my intoduction to twin peaks, which i remember very fondly, and after which i switched my once-weekly addiction over to the x-files, but only the black-oil conspiracy episodes.
and now being completely t.v. aversive because it seems like *such a bad drug*, i come face to face with my son thinking it is the greatest thing since you-tube! ack!
so i’m just letting that ride. tom robbins tells the tale, in still life with woodpecker, of the nietzschean legend of the lion that eats the camel and turns into a lion (?), which represents the awareness that as we grow up we take on all sorts of burdens and habits and patterns and the more the better, ‘cos then when we finally eat that camel and turn into a lion, well, the bigger the camel the bigger the lion!
that said, i really love that scene in the starsky and hutch movie when owen wilson sings david soul’s 70’s schmaltz fest “don’t give up on us baby”…which if i hadn’t grown up with t.v. and top 40 radio would have gone right over my head the way it probably did for most viewers of that movie.
enough! my blog addiction is getting big enough to eat!
let’s just say that when i got that divorce and started to get out more, television dropped away…and how the hell would i ever find time for it today?
chass last blog post..friday afternoon update! 11: goodbye 2008
tv/internet/reading its all connected to how much I want to avoid myself !
creativevoyages last blog post..Glasgow trip
This is really interesting.
I don’t have a TV, so I can’t watch it. I don’t have one because five years ago I couldn’t afford one. Now I just don’t want one in my life.
I find the only difficulty I have is in conversations with people who say “Did you watch…?” or “Do you watch…?” Some client employees live their lives around TV programmes, so it can stop conversations short.
But you should never really force yourself to do something in order to “improve” like this. When TV falls out of your life easily, that’s when to let it go.
Joely Blacks last blog post..The post-travel edition
@Ask Havi Asker – Totally agree w/ Havi that making it a flat-out no-no to watch would not be the most helpful way to go about stopping (or cutting back). One idea (*just* an idea) would be to try a time-boxed trial of not watching – even just a week. Maybe that would take the pressure of permanence out of the equation, and you would be able to experience for yourself if you are better off without it.
@Tara – Ahhh…the DVR. I find it’s been a double-edged sword.
On the one hand, it has freed me up to watch my shows *when* I want to watch them (often making for earlier bed times). On the other hand, it also has created a weird sense of obligation. If I’ve recorded it, I sometimes wind up feeling like I have to watch it.
Still working on the pattern behind THAT bit of weirdness.
Hey, wow, who knew there were so many people who shared my weird childhood of no TV? I can remember when my father (a writer) rented a TV to watch something that he was reviewing in *Time* Magazine. Despite my bitter protests (i.e., tears and begging), he sent the TV back when he was done with it – right in the middle of a two-part “Batman” episode. Oh, the pain of it!
My now-ex husband was a TV (especially sports) addict, so of course we had a television when I was married. About two years after the divorce (I kept the TV!), I was paying the cable bill and realized I hadn’t watched anything in months. So I cancelled it, and haven’t had it since – 12 or 13 years now, I think. Haven’t missed it either. Still have the TV for watching the occasional Netflix movie, and for my yoga DVDs.
I will say it makes for strange conversations sometimes. Like the ones I have with the people who call me up and want to conduct surveys about what shows I watch. “None,” say I. “No, really, do you watch…” “No, you don’t get it. I don’t have cable. I don’t watch TV.” “You don’t watch TV?” It’s as if I just admitted to, I dunno, reading in my spare time, or something equally perverse!
In any event, when changing habits and breaking rules, remember that nothing is irrevocable. Just because you cancel cable today, doesn’t mean you can’t call up the company and have them reconnect you tomorrow, next week, next month, or years from now. So try it out for one night, see what happens, and where it goes from there – y’know?
I grew up in an entire country without TV. 🙂 In fact, TV only arrived in India a year or so before I left. And then the only channel was a government-issue station that ran documentaries on How To Run Your Generator On Methane Gas Made From Buffalo Dung.
That sort of thing doesn’t make for TV addiction.
Mostly, I take television in small doses, like a homeopathic remedy. 🙂 I like watching movies, sometimes. Some documentaries. A very few shows. But even those create a kind of noise in my head that’s hard to handle. Especially if I watch them at night.
There’s a need (or two or three) hiding shyly under the urge to let go of your tv–and under the reluctance to give it up. A long conversation with those needs can go a long way towards making peace with your decision, whatever it may be.
Hiro Bogas last blog post..Creative Connection: Where’s Your Muse When the Baby’s Spitting Up at 3 am?
@ Grace, also weird is when you have internet but no tv and hte cable company calls trying to sell you a TV package. they usually start with the “it is cheaper for your internet if you bundle it” but their script doesn’t have a section for “I don’t have a tv”. You get silence. Incomprehension. And apologies for phoning. I know because when I first moved back to Canada I was living on a severance payment and didn’t want to buy a TV in case I needed that money for rent. But I had internet because I was looking for a job. We have TV now but we’re not really addictive types. I often think of cancelling the cable and getting an aerial and just watching DVDs and stuff but I have a lodger so I figure I can’t do that right now. And sometimes there are good things on. Saw a great documentary about Nicaragua on TVO last night.
Havi, I think the advice about just noticing when you watch and why is great. Sometimes I notice that I’M just turning it on to have it on. Sometimes that’s okay. But sometimes I then switch it off and do something else. I also think that looking at the listings and deciding whether there is something on you want to watch (or might enjoy watching) is a good practice. Much better than turning it on and channel hopping until you find the least offensive thing on.
JoVEs last blog post..A recap of my week
@JoVE i think that just noticing thing works the magic on almost everything. like, ever try to really savor bag of chips? or just notice what’s going on when you reach for them? like all things havi: patience, simplicity, compassion.
chass last blog post..monday morning motivator! 5, the big theme edition
Growing up, our family TV mysteriously “broke” at the beginning of summer and would equally mysteriously be fixed again come fall football season. lol
I’ve been off TV for some 16 years now (tough do have a TV for movies) and don’t miss it at all. Really, considering there are so many things I feel like I don’t have time for, I’ve no idea how I’d fit it into my schedule anyways.
@ Joely — I’ve been in those situations too, where a client will say, “Oh did you see such and such last night!?” expecting a launch of conversation that hits a wall dead on. At this point, I’ll often say, “I don’t watch that one” if the client has any kind of defensive persona.
One thought for weaning off might be to engage the ole bait and switch like pick up what is sure to be a compelling read or some other super fun activity and do that instead of grabbing the remote.
Shawn Tuttles last blog post..I’m now a podcast listening fiend
Hmmm… this is interesting. Isn’t TV sort of a barometer of culture and, therefore, useful for marketing people? Just wondering.
As the saying goes “make the good things easy and the bad things hard.”
All you want to do is unplug the TV and place it in a room where there is no cable connection. And everytime something is going on that you really want to watch – you’ve got to pick up your TV to the room with the cable and plug it back in.
This extra work will make sure that you’ll only watch good important stuff.
But you do have to be disciplined about unplugging the TV after watching it. (If you have a cleaner or someone who comes to your house regularly – give them one more responsibility: unplug and move the TV if they ever see it plugged back.)
Ankesh Kotharis last blog post..The Black Magic of Rumour and Reputation
Wow! This may sound nerd-like, but those 4 questions were so great I just wrote them on index cards. Now I’m ready! Ready to eat ice cream, read gossip blogs late at night, and make incredibly difficult decisions under pressure! This is so useful. Havi, I think you and Sir Richard should team up again and design an embroidery set (yes, with thread & needles) with these four questions and call it The Should Extractor. And we can all embroider our own Should Extractors at home and mount them on our walls. Let me know when it is ready so I can purchase it!
Ha! This post (and its accompanying responses) is almost like tv for me — so juicy! It is a tv-like diversion/reprieve from the important but weighty topics covered in the past few days on here!
This morning, I’m still on vacation and at my bf’s place, where there is no tv, so I logged on to hulu.com (sorry, don’t mean to inadvertently advertise on here, but it’s tv-like in that there are brief ads, but you get to choose what to watch) and viewed a couple episodes of The Office to start the day laughing.
I grew up much like it sounds like chas did — tv was on constantly. there was one in every room, including the kitchen! So it’s been a hard habit to break b/c it’s very comforting and familiar. But I *have* found ways to feel *less* guilty about watching so often.
1. I use it as a reward. If I’ve done what I committed to during the day (exercise, projects, etc.), I get to watch a couple episodes of a show I like. It’s a lot more mindful and enjoyable that way.
2. I keep the tv on and do other things around the house, esp crafting projects that I often neglect (but really want to do) b/c I want to veg out in front of the tv. Best of both worlds.
3. I watch hulu or DVDs on my laptop. Literally turning OFF the tv was SO hard at first, b/c the entire mood and tone of the living room seemed to shift when the tv was off. That’s when I really realized I was addicted to the light, sounds, and *feel* of tv, rather than to any particular programs (most of which you can find online for free these days).
4. I forgive myself for seeking out the comfort of tv by noticing what my day was like and why I’m craving tv in the first place. Then I watch a program or movie that will bolster my mood, esp a silly comedy.
BTW, I really love the comments on this blog — they’re chock full of fascinating and useful stuff! And I love that people don’t mind reading or writing long blog posts and blog comments!
Dawns last blog post..The Source of My Angst
It’s neat to see how many different ways (including ones I never would have thought of) there are to bring mindfulness into the whole “my relationship with television as a mirror reflection of my relationship with myself” thing.
Sorry to dive into Shiva Nata terminology there with the mirror reflections but you know what I mean.
It’s like, there are so many ways I can practice kindness with myself.
Sometimes it’s going to be like what Dawn is talking about: can I consciously give myself comfort through this thing and can I also consciously choose to receive comfort through other things.
Sometimes it’s going to be Taking Steps and Preemptive Measures like what JoVE and Shawn and Ankesh were suggesting.
Super interesting the whole thing.
Also fun to meet other “deprived childhood” suffer-ers and fellow culturally inept folks. No, I never know what anyone is talking about!
But to answer Karen’s question: do we need to be in touch with that culture to be successful marketers? I think it depends what kinds of people you’re marketing to.
In my case, since my Right People are all kind of nutty, quirky individualists, not at all. But if you’re talking to 20-somethings, then maybe.
Though I like to think the internet *is* a sort of shared culture, in a very broad way.
@Kelly – I am so completely sold on the idea of embroidering smart things onto pillows. Maybe I’ll start with Twitter witticisms and move on from there.
Embroidery kits! Genius.
Also – I’ll just add that I’m fine with outing myself as a non-TV person. Between that and living more than a third of my life abroad, there’s just no way I’m going to catch all cultural references. So stuff can just keep flying over my head and I’ve learned to be okay with that. 🙂
It’s interesting to hear people refer to reading as an addiction. I read a lot (serious literature mostly and some non-fiction) and have never thought of it in those terms. Clearly society values the one over the other.
I never watched TV until my husband had a stroke and bought a 42″ plasma set that he could watch in lieu of other things he used to do and because mindlessness felt good. He now watches less but I’m still escaping into it. I also love medical dramas and crime shows and I know there are tie-ins to feelings I’ve not let go (e.g. regrets and sadness of not going to medical school because I was really f’ed up emotionally). Maybe there’s something in the particular shows you watch that resonates for you and which is encouraging the addiction over dealing with the issue.
On the other hand, I have friends who watch a lot of TV and movies, and most of them do it simply to relax. A lot of them are therapists who need time in “la la” land after listening to 12 hours of other people’s problems. Maybe you need some plain ol’ veg time, too.
There are really educational things on the tube if you watch the history channel, the science and nature stuff, and public TV. I sometimes watch those instead of a series because the subject matter interests me but I know I’ll never pick up a book about it. Maybe you can substitute some of these for the series you watch. I find the educational shows less addictive; maybe they can serve as your “nicotine patch” as you wean yourself off of TV. (Of course, that doesn’t answer the “why” part of your question, but I’m a big proponent of behavior modification).
byw, not knowing show names/actors etc. really sucks for crossword puzzles (my true avoidance/addition) and Trivial Pursuit, too.
Good luck!
Nancy
Thanks for answering, Havi. It was a real question. 🙂 I really enjoyed reading the Comments. For the last little while I’ve been thinking about my relationship with TV so this was very timely. The first half of Dawn’s #4 did it for me. Can’t give up “Lost” yet, though.
Havi,
Thanks for the post. I’ve borrowed the four questions and now they’re becoming a part of my lexicon.
I used to be a charge full-steam-ahead person, but lately — as I’ve begun to let go of my perfectionism — I’ve developed a new (new to me, anyway) “neuroticism”: procrastination.
Of course, I’d like to order your Procrastination program, but finances don’t allow it right now. In any case, the four questions you encouraged your poster to ask her/himself are a good first step for me.
Here’s to a peaceful and *more* productive ’09.