One of the things I’ve been messing around with lately is my relationship with piles of things.
I pile. I pile a lot. This is a known thing.
But it’s not just the usual Stacks of Useful Paper that I tend to think of inhabiting my pile-loving world. And it’s not just messes of iguanas and doom.
There are piles of information in my head, piles of Direct Messages on Twitter, piles of messages at the Frolicsome Bar, a wide variety of piles.
These piles serve a purpose for me. Or really: a couple of purposes.
And they are full of patterns.
The first adventure.
So I’ve been using the Rally (Rally!) — and all the madcap Shiva Nata we’re doing — to learn more about the patterns and lovingly rewire as necessary.
The mission: figuring out what I need and what the piles need and what the iguanas need.
There have been an astonishing number of resulting shivanautical moments of bing bing bing ohmygod that!!!
And much scribbling down of information and mapping of connections.
So. I thought I’d share the part I started with.
It’s a series of my Book of You questions. And here’s how I used them:
Two rounds. First round: total free-association whatever comes up. Second round: taking a bit more time to think things over.
The first round is here. I can post the second more-in-depth round too, if people are interested. Let me know.
Hey, piles. What do I know about you?
Let’s see.
Why I make them
Because it’s what I know.
How I make them
I can’t decide what to do. The iguanas take up so much space and so I hide them. I hide from them too, but mostly I am helping them hide.
The purpose they serve is
Monuments to despair and monuments to hope.
Reminders.
What I know about them, me and our relationship
We both misunderstand each other.
Where the pain is
Having things in common with X. Plus all the iguanas.
What they symbolize
Support.
Wait, what? Support?! Interesting.
Why I need them
An identity thing, maybe. Who would I be without them? No, it’s about death. It’s about goodbyes.
Why I’m done with them
They create walls and I am a wall-whisperer.
What is the connection between my past and piles:
Avoidance.
The version of me who is done with them.
She has other ways of working with systems and containers.
What I don’t know yet.
How to trust.
Playing. And the comment zen blanket fort.
What I would love:
If you wanted to think out loud about any of those questions, investigate your own relationship with piling, or do some of the super-speedy word association thing too.
A cup of tea.
If you would say Vhoooooosh! Which is the sound of stuckness dissolving and all the right spaces opening up.
What I would not love:
Please no advice, recommendations or pep talks. I am doing this in intimate thing in my way and in my own timing, and I need a lot of spaciousness with that.
As always, we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.
Love to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Follow
*clears throat, readies the daiphragm*
VRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
Oooh Havi, I have a very similar piling pattern. Seeing your process with this is opening my eyes to some of my own answers to these questions… I would love to see a part II as you dig in deeper.
I have tea! Lapsang Souchon, it’s quite nummy 😀 I’ll raise a cup to you!
And for me and you, both: (((((((((((VVVVWWWWOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHH!))))))))))
Vhoooooosh!
I would be very much interested in Round 2.
Hello there, Internet avoidance patterns!
Why like this? Because I don’t feel ready to do hard stuff yet, and I need time to get ready.
How so? I read things. I write things. I gather patchwork bits of comfort. I make a quilt out of them, that I can look at and say, This is me. This is what I like. This is what interests me. These are my passions.
What’s the purpose? To create a sense of spaciousness and safety.
What do I know about you, me, and us? You feel like work, even when you’re not. Sometimes you really do help me get ready, and sometimes you help me stay safely sidelined and sidetracked. We confuse each other. Yeah. I think that’s very true. We confuse each other.
Where is the pain? In the fear of time lost, life wasted, things left undone.
What do you symbolize? Security. Protection. Work without risk.
Why do I need you? To spark new connections and ideas.
Why am I done with you? Because I’m learning how to find my balance. I’m learning to negotiate with myself, and with my monsters.
What’s the connection between you and my past? Reading books. Watching hours and hours of television. Fantasy. Making up stories. Cocooned creativity.
The version of me who is through with you: She’s learning that I don’t need to feel “ready” to be awesome. I can be scared and still be awesome. I can feel sick and still be awesome. I can feel lost and still be awesome.
What don’t I know yet? How to stop.
Just to clarify: The pattern I’m chatting with is not about avoiding the Internet; it’s about using the Internet for avoiding other stuff. But you probably figured that out. 🙂
Vhoooooooosh! I love ‘Monuments to despair and monuments to hope.’ Yes! I’d be very interested in Round 2.
I have piles, too. Oh so many. I sense I will have very different answers to the questions. Mostly.
Thanks for posting this.
Please yes, share Round 2 if and when you’re ready!
Also. VHOOSH.
(To me, it sounds like a broom on simple wood floors, getting all the dust out of the corners and shuttling it out the door.)
Oof, piles… I have them too. They’ve on the list of stuff I want to bring to my Shiva Nata practice for a little while. Now, I can also bring your questions to my post-ShNa journaling to facilitate the “Vhoooooosh!”.
As you can imagine, I’m very interested in reading round 2. 🙂
Ooooo! This is so useful! I have so many piles… I need to figure them out, because I can feel them following me with their eyes, challenging me to do something about them…
Oh my everloving stars, @Kathleen you are rocking my world with this: Sometimes you really do help me get ready, and sometimes you help me stay safely sidelined and sidetracked. We confuse each other.
I need to think more about this. The whole idea of the patchwork of comfort, identity, the soothing nature of internet time — like combing my fingers through information, ideas, things. Wow do I need to think about this more and the ideas it sparks in me for how to soothe that need in other ways, or to create a more intentional and beautiful container for it to happen.
@Havi, I love this entry. I want to use this as a prompt to write a similar thing for myself! And part of it will be chronicling about how the writing of it is in part a mourning feeling for Not Being At This Rally, I think. But mostly to mix it up and figure out my own tangled stuff.
Magic, magic, magic. I love it when my brain goes *bing* and *vhoooosh!* all at the same time!
Vhoooooosh!
I’m not sure I have PILES so much. Piles sounds too orderly for what I’ve got. I would say that what I have is more along the lines of a lot of junk drawers.
I keep the stuff, because it MIGHT be useful one day. Or I plan to deal with it, but I don’t currently have the time. So I kind of glom it on to the rest of the stuff that I’ll handle someday, out of sight in a drawer somewhere.
I think having all of that stuff in drawers makes me feel safe and capable, on some level. Because I have plans and projects that I will do Someday and it will be awesome and I will be awesome. But then, eventually, it just makes me feel all weighed down and like I can never actually accomplish anything, and I become afraid of the drawers.
I think that what I would love is a blanket, some hot chocolate and a cookie. And I would like to clean out just one drawer, very slowly and gently, and see how it goes.
VRROOOSH. It’s a little one, ’cause I’m just starting on this. I have SO many piles, and even the piles I made for “dealing” with then become piles of mental sludge. They take up a LOT of mental space and create anxiety. Or occasion anxiety, anyway.
I’m starting to learn about my pattern of avoidance in this area–that I need time to get ready to act, and sometimes just time to calm my panic about whatever the piles are made of, so I pile. There’s fear of something–loss? Mistakes? Still working on that.
Lately, though, I’ve been able to create some space around my need for getting ready to act and sort of incorporate it into my life without judgment. So that’s something. Also, I’m getting bursts of energy to clear stuff out. Sometimes those bursts aren’t helpful (the “powering through” thing), but sometimes they are inspiring. So I’ll probably indulge them a bit this weekend.
Thanks for the post! It’s really helpful, and I’d enjoy reading more.
@Amber
!!! You made me realize something that I didn’t even know I needed to realize.
Piles versus drawers. Whereas I love having junk drawers (in the positive nifty-odds-and-ends sense) and I hate having piles de-spaciousness-izing my places.
I need to acquire one of those plastic stackadrawer thingies. 😀
(I know this is sort of the opposite concept of your stuckified drawers, but I still wanted to thank you for catalyzing my brain.)
It’s early and I’m having tea. It’s a bloody good organic tropical Aussie one too. So… *here’s some tea*
And also, vhoooooooosh!
You know, I’m all about the lists. There are (many) notebooks filled with (many, many) lists. All sorts of lists. Groceries. Goals. Bucket Lists. Vegetables I want to grow. Places I want to visit. Films I want to see. It’s about overwhelm, no doubt. But it’s also about a certain lust for life. Unfortunately, it reminds me of my dad who was slightly unhinged and (not slightly) alcoholic. Upon his death, we found a filing system consisting of wine casks (over 50) filled with notes and clippings. He also had a peculiar lust for life which never left him. But I’ve thought carefully about this and decided I’d prefer to keep my lists than be like my mother. There are no lists, no lust, no life. Hmmm.
Yikes, sorry for the long comment, Havi. I’ll go finish this in one of my (many, many) notebooks :o)
Thank you for the prompt!
xo
vhooooosh! 🙂
I’ve been getting destuck around this, actually, so this is nice. I tied piles with The Overwhelm; a pile or a list was a way of pretending there was an action taking place (because, you know, it’s IN A PILE! Right there! On my desk!) and as a way to avoid the pain of doing the action, or facing the pain of not knowing what to do about the thing. Or the possible failure after doing the thing. Or, God forbid, forgetting to do the thing… which I still did and do, despite massive piles.
I’m letting go of piles because they don’t do what I thought they were doing. I’m not helping them, they’re not helping me. File folders that like me, that say “it’s been a lovely party, but we need to go home now.” Facing one tiny bite of hard every morning, and sitting with uncomfortable for five minutes without doing anything. So far, it’s working. We’ll see how it goes.
Round 2 please. Thank you so much.
Oh my goodness! How this speaks to me!
(Excuse me, I’ve got to go and review a few things about iguanas…)
Hi, guys!
I make piles, but they get tucked into totebags, folders, zipper organizer thingys…
I will have to find out why they are in hiding. I do know that they are WAY smaller in reality than they are when they are in the totebag. *smile*
Sometimes I make note-to-do-piles, which is just a note that looks exactly the same as a to do list.
It is just a verbal pile, because while I do check off things here and there, it is LIKE a TO DO JENGA! (ha ha ah ha ha! just occurred to me.) Where I occasionally get one thing off the to do pile, then another one gets put on the top, and sometimes it feels really wobbly.
And the rewiring, lovingly? So far, I’ve mostly been imagining the paths and taking a few steps to the side and changing the patterns. But the word “rewiring” in this post instantly made me imagine Han Solo (swoon) telling Chewie how to rewire the millenium falcon. (“no no no no! THIS one goes HERE, *THAT* one goes THERE!”)
I am such a geeky nerdlet! 😀 I guess you wouldn’t normally think of that as “lovingly” but, everybody knows they were best buddies.
Ingrid
Oh, yes, Please some of Round 2!
Busted!. Yep, still guilty of piling after spending 3 years shredding 35 years of joint piles and vowing to never letting it get to that level again.
Piles of indecision, of avoiding decisions – very hard decisions, but there are among the good piles many piles I do not want to move to my gentleman friend’s house or to my kids shed or to leave for the prying eyes of my subletter I have written a VPA to find me. Definitely hope and despair.
Waiting for pt 2.
Vhoooooosh! And, yes, I’m interested in round two.
Vhoooooosh!
Vhoooooosh!
Vhoooooosh!
Vhoooooosh!
Vhoooooosh!
Celestial Seasonings Peppermint tea here –
Please, please, part 2.
I too, have piles.
They move.
From one place to another.
Some parts go away – to trash – to recycle bins – to friends – to thrift stores.
Other parts just keep moving.
I think I don’t know what to do with the empty S P A C E.
It’s scary.
So, even if it’s there, ever so briefly, there’s a PILE lurking, quickly filling it up.
Piles comfort, they insulate, they provide protection. They sop up that pain from when there truly was nothing – nothing to make piles and nothing to hold piles.
I am going to have a conversation with one momentarily.
But first – another cup of tea – Peppermint, of course.
@Ingrid — To-Do Jenga! I so love this!
Metaphor Mouse Rules!
@Cathy — “…sitting with uncomfortable for five minutes …” and “File folders that like me, …”
So helpful!
Thank you, Havi, and thank you everyone! I feel a lot more VHOOOOOOOOOOSH!
Round 2, please!
Hi,
I’ve been reading the blog for a little while now, and I always love it, but I’ve been inspired to make my first comment, because this post really struck a chord. I don’t know why. Maybe because “making piles” is the perfect description of what I do, and I’ve been searching for a description for a long time.
I did the word association thing. I learned a lot.
My piles symbolize potential. That’s significant. Because the pain is, partly, in a sense of self-sabotage. I use my piles to be able to move on to the next moment, by saying, “I have already begun to deal with that because, by placing it in a pile, I have acknowledged the need to deal with it. So I don’t have to deal with it now.” So there is the potential to deal with it and the reality of not dealing with it, all in the same place.
I’m looking forward to exploring further. And I would love to see a Part 2!
I’m having a late-morning cup of Earl Grey. Small but triumphant VHOOSH! for now.
Thanks!
Tea, yes. Tea is IMPORTANT.
Sometimes I don’t actually want the cup of tea I just want the feeling that comes when somebody makes me a cup of tea. But then I always drink it anyway because there is no such thing as too much tea.
(Alright, yes I know there IS, but I’m using decaffeinated teabags at work so it’s okay! Also, Yes I mostly use teabags I’m afraid. I know, I know. Priorities, okay?)
@havi – I’m raising a made-with-a-teabag-but-it’s-still-great-cup to you now, and saying thank you once again for sharing the vulnerable and the hard with us because it makes us braver too.
VHOOOOOOSH!!
xx
PS: Oh yeah, Procrastination Dissolve-O-Matic for the win!
Was mudra-ing today pretending I am Deep In Thought and Cannot Be Disturbed. Hehehe. Then I actually DID SOME WORK. Funny AND effective, my favourite. Cx
PPS: Bing there goes another (completely unrelated) epiphany. My head is like a percussion section these days. I must take more notes….
VRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
at the very least, that great wind blew some paper piles around and now they need resorting/stacking/clearing 😉
VHOOOOOOOSH!!
I would love to read part 2, because I just realized…
Piles. I have them. Things that I didn’t even realize are piles TOTALLY ARE PILES.
@Miranda: “So there is the potential to deal with it and the reality of not dealing with it, all in the same place.” Thank you for this – so helpful.
@Julie – yay, glad it was helpful! I had the same ‘things I didn’t know were piles are piles’ realization.