And why you still don’t have to do it even if it is.
Some people hate incredibly tacky Christmas decorations. Some people hate cherry Coke. Or, you know, things like racism and war.
Me? I hate charades. Not “people pretending to be something they aren’t”, though I’m willing to concede that this could also be pretty annoying. The game.
This is, obviously, not something that generally gets a lot of thought. But my gentleman friend and I spent the weekend at a house on the coast with a bunch of his college friends who — twenty-some years later — still get together to hang out.
They’re all completely awesome, so yeah, much fun was had. But then one night they were playing charades. And I don’t play charades.
And to be honest, I was pretty obnoxious about it. Well, I ran away.
Okay, not really. I just disappeared upstairs with Desmond.
Desmond is eight. And way smarter than I am. We went and practiced our ninja kicks and invented some very um, inventive kung fu moves.
And then we played an existential pirate game that I can’t really explain other than that it involved pirates and discussing varying degrees of nothingness. Des was better at conceptualizing it than I was.
But eventually bedtime rolled around which meant (for me) going back to the world of grown ups. They were still playing charades and I was still acting like I was eight. Maybe not as obnoxiously as it seems in my mind, but there was definitely some yawning and eye-rolling.
The first insight.
Luckily I’d spend the better part of the weekend doing Shiva Nata (my wacky yoga brain training thing), which is all about generating big, fat insights and light bulb moments.
Here’s one of them.
It dawned on me (thanks, neural connections) that I’d spent my entire childhood impatiently waiting to grow up. Because, you know what? I didn’t really like being a kid.
Is that sad? Hmmm. Maybe, but that’s not the point.
Mainly I just didn’t like being told what to do. Between being told what to learn in school and how to play at summer camp, it was all about resistance to being herded, guided and grouped.
Other people always had the final say over how I spent my time. No one ever consulted me, and the things they came up with were stupid things like charades.
And since I always had a much better idea of what the best thing to do would be, it seemed as though life would be a lot easier if people would just let me do my thing.
Since I wasn’t equipped with quite the right skills to deal with all that resistance and frustration, I just waited.
For a really, really long time.
In high school people said that at university you’d be able to take classes you actually liked. But then it turned out that at university they didn’t really like you to think for yourself and that you had to wait for graduate school to do real thinking. And then it turned out that wasn’t true either.
Eventually I did grow up — and stuff was hard and I was poor. Five years working as a bartender in Tel Aviv was enough to bring home the realization that no, people will tell you what to do. Forever. That’s what having a job means.
Which is a big part of the appeal of owning your own business. Yes, time and money will dictate much of what you do, but at least you’re the one analyzing the situation and steering the course.
Plus you get to take naps whenever you want. Naps!
Being an adult means you should get a free pass from charades, right?
The whole point of grown-up-ness, as far as I’m concerned, is that I don’t freaking have to play charades.
That no one can herd me into a group and tell me how to spend my time. That no one else gets to make rules. That I can go to bed when I want (the earlier the better, thank you very much), read what I want and even do what I want.
Obviously we’re all limited by stuff like time and money. And the laws of physics (ow, stupid gravity!). Oh, and various acquired beliefs and conceptions about what is possible. Beliefs that lead into some pretty painful tunnel-vision-ey consequences.
But within all that, at the very center is a hurt, bored kid who wants some autonomy. Who wants to be trusted to choose.
It just boils down to the raw desire to have some degree of choice (and through choice: power) over how you spend your time. Or at the very least your “free” time.
Part of this is just that I want to spend my time in self-work and in helping others. So yeah, I’d rather be engaged in one meaningful conversation (even if it’s about pirates) than in playing a game. And I’d rather be off doing yoga or writing than a moderated or mediated version of “hanging out”.
Okay, it’s my stuff. But it’s mine, and the process of learning how it works is fascinating and useful.
What I’m taking from this.
There’s always going to be stuff you can’t stand doing.
Some of it you can work on, poke at, and shift so that you get to the point when yes, you really won’t have to do it any more.
Some of it you’re probably going to end up choosing to do anyway, because of some deeper benefit or result that makes it all worthwhile.
Some of it you’re just going to rage against until you eventually, finally, get to the point where you can learn from it.
So now my thing is this: how can I be really, really conscious about how I choose to spend my time?
Part of that is giving myself permission to not want to do stuff. So that when everyone’s playing charades I can just quietly exercise my right to opt-out.
And part of that is recognizing which things push my buttons so I don’t have to regress into resentful eight-year-old mode and just run away when things are uncomfortable.
Part of that is remembering that it is my time (it always was) and that now is the time to take it.
The pirates have mastered the art of nothingness. Full nothingness, as Desmond calls it. I’m not there yet, and not planning on getting there.
Partly because of the whole “Crap! There is no there!” thing.
But also because watch out, I have more stuff to learn, and I’m going to take some time to learn it.
P.S. If I did play charades? I would totally make people act out “Charade“. Cary Grant is so so hot in that, and no one would ever guess. Suckers.
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If “Charade” was the first movie I had ever seen George Kennedy in, I would never have watched him in anything again.
Trivia: The hotel they stayed in is our (Jenni’s and mine) super secret special hotel in Paris.
I digress. And I haven’t even started…
You hit the nail on the head (my head, anyway) as to why it’s fun and good and powerful to be in business for yourself, even when times are tough.
In the corporate world, you’re in a never-changing tier of promised adulthood.
“When I get to be Director of Operations, I’ll be able to run this show like I want to.”
Then you realize that there’s still someone telling you that your idea won’t work because it’s “too simple,” or “You just don’t understand how it works.”
Or maybe that was just me.
Running your own business is like being a kid again. Sure, you’re confined by small things like space, time, hunger, transportation costs. But, you get to decide what the pirates will do on any given day, even if it’s contemplating nothingness.
There’s power in being a kid.
Davids last blog post..You Suck and I Rock!
This is soooo related to what I’ve been thinking about and want to write about. I’m going to have to write my posts up quick before you read my mind and put it all out there first! Nope too late…
I’m having brainsparks off this, but I will say this now: I completely, 100%, unequivocally agree with the idea of giving yourself permission not to do something.
The other day we had to drive four hours with three kids for a two hour party. And then drive home again.
Everyone was foul tempered and testy, but then this thought popped into my head and my mouth said “you know, sometimes it’s good to do things for other people, without worrying about whether we’re getting something for ourselves”. It wasn’t even my own thought. I needed to hear it as much as any of us did. It was as if my mouth was selected by our collective unconscious or something to transmit this message from some place where people are wiser than us.
We all kinda said “hmmm”, and then smiled, and then had a great day, because we were doing something for someone else.
I also hated being a kid. By 11 I was already trying to do adult things – like, teach high school classes in computer programming, or telling my mom to clean her room. I also thought I’d finally get the freedom to do what I wanted “once I was an adult.” Right. With adulthood comes responsibility that is every bit as shackling as being told to play charades. Frankly, it’s virtual imprisonment.
Hey Brandon, I don’t want to get all psycho-analytical on you, but did you notice that your two examples of “adult things” were all about having authority?
I’m not a big fan of authority and generally try to set up my adult life so I give and get as little of it as I realistically can.
Driving however I want is not realistic. Not paying my taxes is not realistic. Trying to guide my kids instead of bossing them around is, however, somewhat realistic. Working as a partner with my clients instead of an employee or guru or boss of others is very realistic.
@Mark – I think one of the aspects of this theme is the choosing thing. Marshall Rosenberg talks about this a lot in “Nonviolent Communication”.
He gave the example of: Okay, I don’t want to drive my kids to school, but I choose to because this means they’re getting a better education than they would otherwise.
He argues that everything is choice. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but certainly most things involve a degree of choice.
Shifting away from “who gets the power” into “what am I choosing (and is this a realistic way of looking at things)” might be helpful too.
There’s a lot of themes in this one … could have been about ten different posts. Maybe @James will write one or two of them … 🙂
Such a succinct explanation of WHY I want to be self-employed. Too much time has already been spent doing what other people “made” me do. It’s time to be a self-made woman!
Taras last blog post..Failure
Very interesting, Havi. I went through a similar process in a different way (and without quite the same experience in childhood as you describe).
For a number of years drinking coffee was, for me, a symbol of adulthood. I realized I really was an adult when I felt okay about saying, “No, thanks, I don’t drink coffee. I don’t like it.” It was my version of not having to play charades. I don’t have to drink coffee to be a grownup. 🙂
Havi, how can I add a pithy comment when you’ve already said everything I’d want to add to the conversation?
I’m just going to have to be content with:
“Great post!”
Cheers,
Alex
P.S. I would have been right in there playing charades because none of my friends ever liked playing those sorts of games as a kid and few of my adult friends do, so any chance I get to be silly that way – I’m so there!
Dear Havi, I love your blog, these kind of feelings seem to be quite familiar to me. I found out, that these outer limitations often bring out something good: For instance, as a kid, when I wanted to “run away” I simply took a book, I read a lot. I loved to go to school and loved to study. So this definitely brought me far. When there are outer limitations with stuff I have to do, or together with others, I try to figure out, how to change my inner focus on the same thing, this brings me further – instead of thinking, oh, horrible, I have to do this now! I try: “How can I love to do this and still doing it” or if loving is too much, how can I simply accept my work as it is now? Or, I take a challenge in simply accepting everyone around me instead of judging…
This brings a inner widening, which I wouldn’t have had without the outer limitation.
I love the director Wong Kar-Wei. In an interview he once said, that he often had to work under not so perfect conditions, once with a broken something in the camera. He then came up with a completely new concept of colours in his movie, which made it very special.
As a kid maybe the limitation did something good unconsciously, the nice thing now is: we can play with the limitations consciously.
And I am convinced, that they only occur to remind us, where we still have to get a little bit more open and lovingly. Even if it is tough I try to welcome my limitations 🙂
Sandras last blog post..Mirrors, mirrors everywhere
Hee hee. I LOVE charades. Of course, I spent *my* childhood wishing I had someone to play things like charades with. =)
I totally support your premise though. I was right there with you in high school…college was supposed to be better…it wasn’t. Don’t get me started on how totally f**ed up our education system is regarding supporting people’s autonomy…I’ll start mumbling about a industrialist conspiracy to turn people into mindless drones.
A reclaiming-adulthood moment for me was realizing that even in a completely interesting woo-woo class-I-completely-chose-to-take-and-enjoy, I still don’t “have” to do the homework. I learn by my own devices, thank you very much. Sometimes the homework matches my learning needs…sometimes it doesn’t. And no, I don’t want a “homework buddy”!
I generally reject a lot of the “accountability” stuff that seems to be common (communal) wisdom with business goal-setting and “mastermind-ing”. I dunno…maybe someday I’ll have an epiphany and it will make sense and work for me, but…until then, “accountability” can bite me. I get things done…the way I get them done. And I’m perfectly capable of deciding whether a “productivity technique” actually helps me or short-circuits my entire system.
I also refuse to engage in any form of news-watching. I never know “what’s going on”. Eh.
And: mmmmm…napping. =)
Emma
Emma McCrearys last blog post..Differentiating Your Goals From Your Heart’s Desire
@Emma
We should have been childhood friends! I would have played charades with you… (btw, love the attitude and now look forward to seeing that attitude show up in my feed reader.)
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndromes last blog post..Practicing Flexibility to Remain Steady – Full Text Answers
@Alex, Emma – Oh, it would be too awesome if you and Emma played charades. In fact, let’s all go to Spain and everyone can play charades with Alex while I hang out on the beach.
Oh, Emma, thank you so much for saying: And no, I don’t want a “homework buddy”! Man, you took the words out of my gritted-teeth mouth in a hundred memories.
@Heidi – Yes! I went through that with coffee too. It was weird to say “No, I don’t drink coffee” … took a while until I was able to leave off the “Because I quit” part.
@Everyone else – Wow. Thanks for the insights, guys, and everyone who emailed me to say “yes yes yes”. I’m loving the conversations …
Ok, I’m coming if we’re having a party in Spain! I’ll play charades with people who get me (I’ll add my ‘Right on!’ to Emma’s comment) and revel in the fact that when I was a kid everyone commented how like a grown up I was and that now I’m a grown up everyone comments how like a kid I am!
Personally, I think it’s really cool that I’ve always had access to the whole spectrum of kid-adult. There’s times when being like a kid (e.g. only doing things coz you want to) is a great way to achieve things. 🙂
Hmmm, maybe I’m blogging about being childish, not lazy?
James | Dancing Geeks last blog post..The Lazy People series
@Alex I’ll put my other blog in the sig this time. Hee, it’s got more attitude than the other.
@James I think “doing things coz you want to” is our natural state. Words like “childish” and “lazy” are judgments that the oppressive anti-autonomy regime (that gets internalized into our heads) employs to keep us down. Rise up! Take a nap!
@Havi YESH. No more buddies, make me gag.
Hee hee, yes lets go to Spain and play charades and/or nap. Sounds good to me. I’ll bring my juicer!
=)
Emma
Emma McCrearys last blog post..book guilt
Woot! Party in Spain! With juice! Best. Life. Ever.
Yeah, I’m all for a natural joyous state of kid-dom (imagination, unlimited sense of the possible, ability to talk to fairies without being embarrassed ….).
And I also think that words like lazy and childish are probably going to end up pushing people’s buttons to the point that it might be too hard to reclaim them as words that have power. Even though they have power.
But I do talk a lot about conscious not-doing and about playfulness. Are they the most fun words ever? Meh. Could use some better ones. But at least they don’t set off my inner resistance-guilt mechanisms, so they’ll do for now.
@James – love the kid-adult spectrum … it feels so open and full of possibility.
Naptime? Juicetime? Playtime? This is all starting to sound very, very good. Alex, I hope you have a couple couches. Because I think we all want to join you over there. 🙂
@Havi
I agree – ditto with the word “slacker”. I use words like “intrinsic motivation” and “authentic desire”.
But, before you start using those words, I think it’s helpful to realize that the words lazy and childish are judgments that someone else made up. Not to reclaim the words – but to reclaim your choice about how you describe what you are doing. To reclaim your power over words themselves, over the judgments.
Then, use whatever words work for you. IMHO.
Emma McCrearys last blog post..Differentiating Your Goals From Your Heart’s Desire
Yay! Party in the Basque Country – only one problem… our place is 250sq ft. We do have room for 3 people but any more would have to sleep on the terrace…
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndromes last blog post..Practicing Flexibility to Remain Steady – Full Text Answers
@Emma – yeah I do like using words that get a reaction out of people, but only because I like to then challenge that reaction and get people thinking. Well, that and I like to stir things up occasionally. 🙂
@Havi – I tend to think about almost everything as existing on some spectrum or other. It’s how I remind myself that the world consists of lots of shades of colour rather than just being black & white.
@Alex – Room for 3 sounds perfect! Now how to turn this idea from a someday idea into something else…?
James | Dancing Geeks last blog post..The Lazy People series
@James I’m totally with you on the stirring things up. =) Like Utah Phillips said, “I like to mess with people”.
Emma McCrearys last blog post..Differentiating Your Goals From Your Heart’s Desire