Note: it is almost impossible to get on the Ask Havi list. This person got in by a. being one of my clients or students, b. flattering the hell out of my duck, and c. making life easy on me by being clear about what the question was and what details I could use.
Thanks to the lovely and thoughtful Maryann Devine for today’s Ask Havi. With permission, as always.
The question.
Hi Havi
I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me between the insights you provide daily in your blog, and the techniques and concepts you put together in your ebooks and audio. Seriously, thank you.
Here’s my question:
I think there are just some things that are not in one’s nature, and there’s no reason to force yourself.
But how can you tell if you are being true to yourself, or just giving in to what feels safe?
Here is a concrete example from my life: I’m an introverted person. That doesn’t mean I don’t like people, or don’t enjoy being with them, or even meeting new people, but it takes a *lot* out of me.
I’m not afraid to stand up and talk in front of people, but it is completely draining for me.
I hear a lot of advice about the importance of face-to-face, and even get great opportunities to do in-person stuff like this.
Part of me says, you should do this, everyone says it will help, and another part says, you just don’t have this in you, and it doesn’t make sense to force it.
p.s. I also think I’m procrastinating about _________.
And an answer.
Ohmygod. This is a really, really rich question that pretty much deserves an entire book to be written about it.
Here’s my off-the-top-of-my-head answer, though:Β
Assume for now that you can’t tell if you’re being true to yourself or just giving in. Have that be your starting point.
And then give yourself permission — temporary permission, if that feels better — to not do the thing you don’t want to do.
In fact, let’s make it easier. Selma and I will give you permission to Not Do The Thing, and that way if you have resistance to giving yourself permission, we can sneak around it.
This is how the experiment works.
If you consciously and activelyΒ allow yourself to Not Do The Thing, and you consciously and activelyΒ observe your reactions, then you’re not “just giving in”.
You’re experimenting.Β
You’re experimenting with being kind to yourself. You’re finding outΒ what happens when you do things without guilt.Β When you — whoah — make a love-based decision instead of a fear-based decision.
And then you pay attention to what comes up.
Removing guilt from the equation makes everything clearer. If you’re not doing the thing just because you think you should, and you’re not beating yourself up for giving in, then you just happen to be Not Doing The Thing.
And then you can find out whether that feels okay or not.Β
As long as you’re doing it (or not doing it) mindfully and without guilt, you’ll get the right result.Β
The right result? What does that even mean?
I don’t know. But you will. For example …
Maybe you’ll discover that when you allow yourself to Not Do The Thing instead of guilting yourself into it, that you’re not as scared of it as you thought you were. Could be that you were just stuck in resistance mode.
Maybe now you willΒ want to do it, but your own way. And you’ll get some insights into what that way is.Β
Or maybe you’ll discover that Not Doing The Thing is not giving in at all, but just gathering the information that will help you find a different way to achieve what you want.Β
Or maybe you’ll discover that you really, truly, 100% don’t want to Do The Thing, in which case, good for you. Now you know for sure. Don’t do it!
In this specific case …Β
Okay, I totally identify with this one because I’m also an extremely introverted person.
Not only that, but I’m also a Highly Sensitive Person in the Elaine Aron sense of the word, which I suspect you are too. This means, among other things, that we take a lot longer to recover from social interactions than “normal” people.Β
Anyway, you have my permission to deshouldify!
Did you know …Β
In 2007 I was teaching live events twice a month and in 2008 I only taught a couple live events?
And I made way more money. And had more time. And taught a lot online which was really fun because you can have 100+ people on a phone call while you’re snuggling in bed with your duck …Β
So let me ask you a question …Β
What would happen if you made a commitment to yourself to help yourself feel SAFE AND SUPPORTED this year in whatever form that took? So you could give yourself permission to just not teach live for a while.
And then you can work on figuring out which patterns are the important ones. Maybe feeling safe and supported will mean that you’ll start taking steps to make live teaching easier for you.
Or maybe it will mean that you’ll want to build in more recovery time. Or maybe it will mean that you’ll want to experiment with teleclasses.Β
I would never say “Oh, you just don’t have this in you.”
Because you don’t know that yet for sure. You still don’t even know what you’re like when you’re not swimming in shoulds and guilt.Β Which means that you can’t know what you want or need yet.
But maybe you’re allowed to not know.
This is what I would practice saying to myself in your case:
“I don’t have to force it right now. Right now I don’t feel comfortable with this, and this is where I am right now. Β Maybe it will change. In the meantime, I’m going to go back to this conscious, intentional, being-kind-and-patient-with-myself thing.”
That’s what I think.Β
p.s. About _________. No, it’s not procrastination! Absolutely not.You’re obviously thinking about it and processing with it and interacting with it. You’re fine!
And her response …Β
Havi, your advice is, as usual, comforting and thought-provoking at
the same time — thank you!Hearing your recommendations makes me realize that I attach a lot of
“shoulds” to issues around face-to-face networking/workshop-giving/teaching, etc. — “Important People think I should do these things! So, I should, right?”And I feel guilty when people are generous with opportunities like that — I feel obliged to do whatever I’m offered.
It sounds obvious now, but I really didn’t realize all that, in working it out on my own. Thank you!
And now the part that’s for you.
I know the thing you’re working on isn’t exactly the thing that Maryann is working on, but I also know that you’re smart enough to start applying the principles to your own thing.
So I’ll just say: there is power in consciously, actively and intentionally Not Doing The Thing and seeing what happens.
And there is also power in consciously, actively and intentionally trying The Thing. But either way, at least we’re shifting the focus away from the guilt and towards the “what am I learning about myself here” part.
Follow
The timing on this post is amazing because I have done everything I think I “should” do or have been frozen at thinking of all the things I think I “should” be doing in regards to promoting my work, etc, and have come to a dead end where I don’t know what step to take next, and practically find myself crying at AT&T commercials with the stress of it all. So this week I decided to take a week off from any of the “shoulds” so I can step back and find out what I do want to do next.
What I am finding out so far is that I needed a break (duh) and enjoyed reading and napping on Saturday and Sunday. I also found out that after a while of reading I get bored and want to do something, so I am playing with yarn and also finding that even fabric is starting to look appealing again.
And today I tweeted, plurked and emailed links to the show I have up with my art group (http://parkersburgartcenter.org/currentexhibits.html if you’re interested; my pieces are the water tower ones) which did not feel like a “should” or even work, just “hey, I did this thing and it was fun and I’d love for you to come see it”
There is something about that permission to just walk away that frees up the energy. Thank you for the timely confirmation/reminder/permission. Hugs to you and Selma!
Andis last blog post..FAQ
This is so valuable: the idea of experimenting, being curious about your reactions and responses when you change behavior.
And also the idea of playing with different ways of doing things. Why do something just like everyone else?
I used to loathe, hate, despise, curl up in a shrivelled ball of mushy insecurity at just the idea of going to in-person networking events. Now – it’s ironic and laugh-out-loud funny – I’m teaching other people how to network.
But it’s all about finding out how to do it – whatever “it” is – in a way that works for you. And that might be not doing it at all.
Let’s face it: forcing ourselves to do anything is violent and nasty and doesn’t work real well. It wasn’t till I stopped networking (and a few other things too) that I realized how to do it all.
I wish I’d had this post to read four years ago, Havi! π Brilliant, as always!
Grace Judsons last blog post..Is face-to-face the new social networking fad?
Hi- I just started reading your blog not too long ago and am really enjoying your way of thinking. Sometimes you put into words ideas that I sort of had but that didn’t crystallize. Like this post- I’ve sort of had a similar idea about “I want to but I’m scared” vs “I just don’t want to (though I should.”
Going to read more about HSP now, which I definitely am.
@Andi: That’s great about your show! And great about napping and reading, too. I always know that’s the best thing for me, and it’s still so hard to actually do it.
I’ve totally gotten to the crying during commercials point, which is funny because I don’t even have a television. So I have to cry on NPR newsbreaks.
@Grace: You found your own way! That’s so completely inspiring to me. I wish more people had encouraged me to do the same, but I’m planning on practicing this a lot more.
It’s so incredibly counter intuitive to the point that it seems like a weird sleight of hand or something. But I’m practicing. Slowly slowly, right?
Wow, as an introvert this is something that I constantly struggle with. The defining of who I am. The “war” inside my head is intense sometimes and your post has given me a lot to think about… or process I should say π Thanks so much for exploring this topic. I knew I wasn’t the only introvert who struggles with this question.
Chris
http://www.chrispugh.com/
Chris Pughs last blog post..Elemination and Daily Decrease
Havi, I’m glad it’s inspiring! π I love it when my struggle is worthwhile not just for me, but for others as well. I had to swear off networking for a while – absolutely not allow myself to go to events – before I could rebalance and start understanding what I was doing wrong that was making it so painful for me.
You said it’s “incredibly counter-intuitive,” and I’m curious about what you mean by that?
And always slowly. Always. Unless you want to go fast, in which case, have at it!
Grace Judsons last blog post..Is face-to-face the new social networking fad?
I was reading this in my feed reader and just generally agreeing till I got to the bit about
“So you could give yourself permission to just not teach live for a while.”
And was amazed at my gut (actually it was more like a whole body thing) reaction -“Oh that would be bliss!” Erm,totally wasn’t expecting that! So thanks Havi, I think you just helped me make a guilt free decision.
Lindas last blog post..Procrastination – Oh Yes, I know it well!
Everything Havi says here is true, but I want to add an unsolicited thing.
An extrovert is energized by being around people; it gets them all jazzed up and they could feed off it forever. But that doesn’t mean they don’t like to contemplate things from time to time.
An introvert is energized by being alone and having time to process. That’s their rejuvenation time. It doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy being around people, but it isn’t what fuels them.
So enjoy your people time, but realize as an introvert you need to balance that with your own style of rejuvenation. No reason to feel guilty if you don’t get energized by groups, it just isn’t your thing.
Terry Heaths last blog post..Lifehacks ΓΒ la Gilbert and Sullivan – Make a Plan
I always find it interesting that people think extroverted people love networking. The two things aren’t necessarily tied together. I’m an extrovert. And I can talk to anybody. But I hate ‘networking’. But that’s mostly about my ‘stuff’ – kind of like the way you were telling us to stop saying we are ‘shamelessly self-promoting’. It’s along that same line.
I absolutely cannot think of ‘events’ as networking. Can’t do it. I won’t go. (And I’m a person who has been to lots and lots of trade shows and LOVED going to them. But that was because I was just looking forward to ‘seeing people I know’ and ‘catching up’….and seeing what new products were coming out.)
The only way I’ve found to stomach it is to think of it as simply a social gathering where I’m getting to meet people. So while I’m at the ready and can tell someone exactly what it is I do…..it’s not the goal of any conversation. I just go and talk to people….to find out what THEY do. (Because, I also LOVE to refer people. I love to say “My gosh! I know someone awesome who does exactly the thing it is you’re looking for!” Love it!)
Basically, I have to go to events without thinking about *ME* — what people will think about me, what my agenda is for the evening, how many contacts I can make….and so on. I have to go focusing on other people and finding out about them and hoping that someday I can help them out with a referral or maybe become cool friends or…..who knows? If I’m thinking about ‘me’, I go into performance anxiety mode and worry about being all perfect. If I’m thinking about ‘them’, that takes the pressure off. (For me, anyway.)
But my first instinct to the initial question was ‘why fight it’.
We waste so much time trying to be what others tell us we ‘should’ be, rather than knowing what our strengths are and running wildly forward with those. There are other ways to think of things or approach things so that they work for us. And there are things we really don’t need to force ourselves to do just because everyone else says we ‘should’.
We would never berate someone else for not networking.
But we sure will beat ourselves up about it, huh?
Good things to think about.
As always.
All the best!
deb
Deb Owens last blog post..what’s wrong with AIG, businesses, and the country
OMG! As per usual… this is a gem. Giving myself permission to not have to do the should. It’ll take a while for this to sink in properly but I think this is going to be big. It’s to do with my degree and I think it’s going to take one whole heap of pressure off.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wormys last blog post..Revelations Γ’β¬β not the ones from the Bible though.
Bingo! I’ve got this Thing that I’ve been dealing with for years…practically every journal entry I’ve written mentions The Thing and how I can’t do it and how it’s so EASY for everyone else, but it sucks for me, and I try to do it, and it doesn’t work, and so therefore…what the heck is wrong with me?!
But I just know in my soul that my life would be 1,000% better if I did The Thing. I just know it would be the huge deal maker for me if I could just do it. But I can’t. And I’ve tried for forever and years.
I sometimes give myself permission to not do it, but I always come back to it…or it comes back to me. Boo.
I’ve been pondering the de-stuckification thingys (which seem to be so exactly perfect)…if I were just the type of person who could change. But I feel like I’m basically not! Isn’t that ridiculous?
Do other people just pour out all of their junk in your comments? Oh whew. That’s good. I was getting ready to press “delete”. π
Sarah Brays last blog post..We need to come up with another word for Γ’β¬Λuseful’
@Sarah B., yes, yes we do. π
Sometimes I wish this blog & my blog were sort of joined at the hip, because I want all of my folks to read this.
This was a big giant issue for me. I can’t sell. Seriously, I couldn’t sell my grandmother raffle tickets when I was a kid. Can’t do it. Tried door-to-door stuff and cold calling and all kinds of horribles. Can’t.
But I didn’t want to work for other people forever. I knew I could do stuff people would pay for, but I couldn’t figure out how to cross that bridge. Very scary and very frustrating.
What I ended up doing was dividing my time into chunks. One chunk was spent getting a lot better at what I was already good at. If I could get best-in-the-universe at some little slice of something, I figured that had to be in my favor.
And the other chunk was spent figuring out how to do “not-selling selling.” Which, of course, Havi is the genius queen of, which is why I’m always hanging out here eating your snacks and drinking the last beer in the fridge.
The cool part is, it actually worked. I used your ideas & a few other goodies and came up with a workable “I’m not selling anything but I do have some things you might find useful” bag of tricks. If the internet goes away and I have to sell used cars for a living, I’ll still be pretty stuck, but for now this works pretty well for me.
So thanks, and encouragement to all who are facing one or another Big Thing they don’t think they can get past. This post is a really nice roadmap of some of the ways to approach that.
Sonia Simones last blog post..Obey Me or Fail
I’m with Deb. Big extrovert. to the extent that putting in a proposal to do a talk at a big conference was a complete no brainer. I love that stuff. Hate networking if it is about ME but love it if it is about meeting people I can help (even if help means putting them in touch with other people who can really help).
But my attitude to Twitter is a bit like Maryann’s attitude to live events. I can’t see what the point is. I don’t see how it lets me do the things that make me happy and energized. I don’t see how it is instrumental (and if it is only instrumental it feels icky just like Deb described live “networking” feeling icky). But most importantly it doesn’t involve either beer or good long conversations. Maybe that’s why I love blogging.
JoVEs last blog post..One thing at a time?
@Terry – nice point about how we all have to take care of ourselves.
@Grace- I meant that the inclination (and advice typically given) is almost always to force yourself to learn how to do the thing that you don’t want to do.
So for you have decided that you weren’t going to go to networking events until you had recovered and learned what needed to change … that’s awesome, and most people wouldn’t even think of it. Because it’s just not something that’s even part of our culture. Permission to avoid something you hate? Crazy! But brilliant.
@JoVE – well, the one thing Twitter really has in common with live events is that it depends tremendously on who’s there. Even a couple of boring people can make the whole thing miserable. The advantage (for someone like me) of Twitter over live events is that you can kick out everyone you don’t find interesting the second they stop being interesting.
Man, if I could do that in real life … I might have actually attended stuff at sxsw. π
Either way, the point is that we’re allowed to not do stuff we find uncomfortable … in order to learn what exactly it is that causes the discomfort and to do things differently.
Sometimes – like in Grace’s case with networking – it turns out that we DO like the thing, just in a different form. Sometimes – like with me and networking – it turns out that it works better for me to hang on to a thread of sanity, and I can do that best by meeting live one-on-one or in small groups with people I already know and like.
Have, ohmigawd, yes. “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Yikes. A prescription for bad, bad things to happen.
“Feel the fear,” yes, but in a compassionate and curious way. What’s not working? Why? Bedamned to the things all the so-called “experts” have to say. They’re only experts in what THEY experience.
We’re all our own experts in our own experience. And the thing is, it’s ONLY our own experience that counts. If walking into a networking event backwards – or on your hands – or with your eyes closed – or whatever – works for you, then hey, do it. If someone else’s suggestion sounds cool, try it because you want to, not because “they” say it’ll work.
That doesn’t mean, never push yourself to take risks. Challenge yourself, but challenge yourself in ways that feel real, not ways that make you want to run screaming out of the room and rush home to take a shower.
Sometimes what feels real also feels really scary. But that sort of fear is different, somehow – cleaner, clearer, less self-hating.
I’m ranting. I’ll stop now. Didn’t know I had this particular soap-box lying under my desk this evening!
Grace Judsons last blog post..Is face-to-face the new social networking fad?
Love love love this:
“I don’t have to force it right now. Right now I don’t feel comfortable with this, and this is where I am right now. Maybe it will change. In the meantime, I’m going to go back to this conscious, intentional, being-kind-and-patient-with-myself thing.”
Permission not to do the thing (or TO do the thing) = HUGE. Either way practicing kindness. Permission to just be and let life show me what’s next. Kind permission. Oh, I feel a softening just with those words. I am applying this to a relationship. I can beat myself up (and have for many many years) over lack of clarity etc, but underneath it all I see there are some really old and reeeealy hurt places that can’t be plowed through. At all. Trying to plow through always has backfired in a hugely physical and almost paralyzing way. My body comes to my rescue, it seems. It won’t let me move past what I’m ready to. It says, “Nuh-uh, my love, not yet. Or not now…” So kind.
Thank you! xo
Heidi Fischbachs last blog post..Dearest Life, Bring it on! Love, Heidi
yum-yum … arrive at the fluent self, & whoo-ee if havi doesn’t pop up from ’round a corner, throw back [yet another] curtain and point to a doorway that i’ve walked past innumerable times never seeing no-thing-but the curtain … tee-hee
I sent the link to this post to a large number of friends, under the subject line “Havi is being brilliant again”. This is yet another aspect of being compassionate with myself, being non-violent with myself, that hadn’t yet oome fully conscious for me. Havi, I think my favorite thing about reading your stuff is that you do such a terrific job at putting things in such a way that I can actually work with them, rather than just getting them as intellectual concepts.
It’s going to take a fair bit of practice! Sort of like making the very slight change in the way I walk my Rolfer suggested to me, which is so much easier on my body but so hard for me to do without constantly thinking “push off from the ground, push off from the ground” with each step I take. (If you’re wondering, this is as contrasted with reaching out for the ground with my front leg, which is how I’ve been walking).
Anna-Lizas last blog post..Pollyanna and the Sucky, Sad Moments
1. Havi has ***the most intelligent, reflective, self-aware readers*** on all of the internets. Everywhere (cosmically). Period (gramatically).
2. This post hit all of my + + buttons which, because of Havi’s handling, = a strange blend of blissful self-acceptance. How can I say thanks?
3. For those of you who manage a smallish readership, and then one day you experience Serious Spikes in visitors… chances are, Havi linked to you π Deeeeeepest thanks to you, M’Lady! You are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my favorite HSP.
Love & Light,
Crank & Shadow,
(just coverin’ all my bases and all my moods, ya know?)
P.S. I created the site about high sensitivity that is oh so kindly referenced above, but in the box below, with the precious red heart, I chose to feature a blog posting pretty relevant to this conversation…
Erika Harriss last blog post..An Open Letter to Social Mavens and Shivanauts
OK, the whole deshouldification thing made me think of David Roth’s song, “Don’t Should On Me” (lyrics here: http://www.marcogiunco.com/Testi/001987_03.htm ).
David is a great songwriter–website here: http://www.davidrothmusic.com/index2.html
His “May the Light of Love” has been a favorite since the first time I heard it.
Daddios last blog post..Mother Earth
Your writing is truly inspirational! Thank for this blog site. I have nominated your site with a Lemonade Award! You can read more about it at my blog site.
Havi,
Silly what “intelligence” can do to us. Make us think that because we can comprehend something and see how useful it might be, that just because we hate it, we should just get over ourselves. When all the while, big red flags are maybe signaling that it is just not our highest best use of self.
I love this post. And thank you so much for Elaine Aron, I had not seen such a useful breakdown of HSP. π Made a huge difference to me this week Havi. Thank you.
Janice Cartiers last blog post..Oranges Go Here