I took a day off yesterday. It wasn’t the fun kind of day off.
(Though yeah, it is possible that some fun was had.)
It was the kind of day off that you take when you realize that if you don’t stop working right this second you are going to get sick.
I was going to have to take my father’s advice.
As my father likes to say:
“Take that mental health day before it takes you.”
Of course, it didn’t feel so much like a mental health day as an “I really, really, really don’t want to get a cold” day, but these tend to be more closely related than we’d like.
And granted, any advice from my father is a tad suspect …
Especially since he also says things like “Don’t be silly — stress is good for you!” and “Don’t underestimate the power of worrying!” and “I spent the whole day in crisis mode! It was fantastic!”.
It’s my experience, though that this particular bit of wisdom is quite sound.
All that to say that I gave myself permission to blow off work yesterday, which gave me ample time to devote to figuring out what was going on. And it boiled down to this:
I need to get better at saying no and feeling okay about it.
I’ve gotten pretty good at turning down new projects. I’m also (finally) okay with not giving my products away to everyone who wants a freebie copy.
But not giving help to every single person who wants it and asks for it … oh this is so hard!
I talk so much about the art of the ask and how we all need to get better at asking. Still standing by that.
And now it’s time for me to also get better at finding different ways to be helpful.
Yesterday was Wednesday and I’d already given away over five hours of my time this week. You know how it is. Readers wanting advice on things that just wouldn’t be appropriate to answer in an Ask Havi post. Friends wanting business advice. Like that.
Almost all of these were things that — taken alone — would have been fine. Me giving joyfully from my heart. Perfect.
Taken together … all of a sudden I was feeling tired and depleted. And what surfaced for me was the resentment coming up that my own projects weren’t getting the love and attention that they deserve.
Where the breakdown happens.
All of a sudden five hours seemed like a lot of productive time that, especially when you factor in that a lot of my time is taken up with clients and communicating with my team and stuff.
You start calculating the time that could be going to your own business multiplied by your hourly rate and this starts to get pretty depressing. And that time is actually much more valuable than that if you’re spending it (as I do) on developing products and programs that support your entire business.
Add to that the realization that, as my business grows like crazy (yay — not complaining), the number of people wanting from me is just going to go up and up and up …
Well, no wonder that I desperately wanted to hide under the covers.
Middle ground: what does that even look like?
Luckily there are a couple of things that are already showing up to help out.
In addition to my virtual assistant who takes care of most of my administrative tasks, I recently hired a personal assistant specifically to handle a huge chunk of customer support stuff and take on mini-projects.
She’s lovely and she totally gets what I’m trying to do in the world. *happy sigh*
Also I have a huge and awesome thing coming up that’s going to launch in about six weeks that I’ll be able to refer people to.
That way, I won’t have to say “Sorry, you really have to hire me for that” but “Here’s a (useful, helpful, very, very affordable) place where I answer questions like that.”
But what came up for me yesterday while I was meditating and pondering and yoga-ing around this issue was that I’m still feeling awkward and uncomfortable about not just helping everyone who wants my help. I’m a helper mouse. That’s my thing.
Wackiness: it always helps.
What that looked like this time: meditation plus tapping on acupressure points plus guided relaxation plus some weird made-up rituals that I’d rather not go into.
In retrospect it seems obvious that if I really wanted a clear answer right away, I should have done Dance of Shiva for that, but I was feeling petulant and irritable as it was.
Anyway, what came up for me in meditation were two concepts:
Clarity. And Safety.
So I asked myself what it would look like if I had more of these two qualities in my life. Or if I could access them more often. Or if I could trust that they were already there.
Stuff like that. And four answers — “bits of information” — came out of the asking:
- I need to feel safe remembering that I cannot help everyone and that my own emotional comfort needs to come first.
- Are you ready to see all the support you already have around you and to lean into it more? Because all you need to do is to say yes to it.
- It is time for me to get better at speaking my piece.
- Sometimes it’s important to put things where they belong.
That last one was the least clear of all four pieces. To the point that I wrinkled my nose and said “Haenh?”
(That’s how you say “Huh?” in German and it’s really a much better way of expressing irritated bewilderment than anything I could say in English. Trust me on that.)
Putting things where they belong …
Right. I totally had no idea what that meant. So I tried to figure out what might happen if I already knew what it meant to put things where they belonged.
Instant information.
For one thing, I realized that instead of filling out that ridiculous form that had me grumbling all day about how people trying to be “efficient” actually creates more work, I could have just had my assistant shoot back an email, saying (nicely, though):
“Here’s the one piece of information you need from me — everything else you requested is in the sigfile on every Fluent Self email.
And instead of trying to help my friends with every aspect of their new businesses I could ask them to write up a list of their questions and try to answer them in blog posts when I have time.
Maybe even write a series on business-building and how not to screw it up. Hmmmm.
Also: instead of passing out problem-solving to everyone who needs it, I could admit that the Ask Havi line is already several months long and that I’m flooded.
And/or let them know that really, really soon there will be a whole wonderful environment where I’ll be hanging out with everyone who needs me at very specific times.
That’s where I’m at.
I don’t have all the answers yet. Not even close. But I’m processing all the information I got on my day off.
It’s becoming ridiculously clear to me that if I want to live my mission and help all my right people and stuff like that, I cannot do it when I’m feeling tired and cranky and depleted.
This sounds so familiar and obvious that it’s almost trite.
If you’d said it to me a year ago I would have rolled my eyes and said, “I knoooooooow!”
So yeah, it’s totally one of those annoying little “life lessons that you I keep learning over and over again” but it seems like this time it sank in a little deeper.
Here’s the part that I just understood.
My peace of mind is the most valuable asset in my business.
By a lot.
Understanding that feels huge. Being able to teach that to my clients is also going to be huge.
If tuning into the clarity and safety that I need means having clearer boundaries and “putting things where they belong”, then I’m just going to have to figure out how to do that.
And — because I learned yesterday that part of my enormous, beautiful network of people who love and support my work in the world is my amazing group of blog readers — I know you’re going to be rooting for me.
Just wanted to say that I love that. And appreciate it so much. Sigh. Thanks for putting up with me — it’s great to be back!
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Hang in there!!!!
*hugs*
We all love you even if you tell us no! Just remember that.
If someone doesn’t love you anymore just for you telling them no, then they probably didn’t love you as much as what you could do for them.
Of course, you already know that. =)
Melissas last blog post..Hump Day
You’re just awesome, Havi. I know you know that already, but I just had to say it for emphasis.
“No” to one thing is “yes” to something else. By saying no to me or anyone, you’re actually modeling what we ALL need to learn. No pressure or anything, of course.
Way to go on the meditation insights. “Sometimes it’s important to put things where they belong.” To me this means that you are not the only source of what people need. And hoo-ray for that, because, as you say, you can’t meet everyone’s needs. That’s what God is for.
Can you tell this hits home for me, too?
I love that you’re creating a revenue-generating resource for people to get their needs met in a way that’s respectful to you. I can’t wait to see what it is!
Hugs,
Jen
Havi,
For those of us who spend a lot of time focused on coaching others with their issues, “helping” as in actively working with them is the most obvious way of going about what is important to us. BUT, honestly, what makes as much impact and is more profound is MODELING how to take care of yourself and your own stuff. Thank you for that!
Your willingness to open up and show us how hard it can get for you, letting us see you when you are not performing at the level at which you expect of yourself gives us exactly what we are looking for: a look at you using your own wisdom, destuckification techniques and self compassion. Heck, if you can do that for yourself, I can certainly give myself a little room and love when I’m feeling overwhelmed and crazy.
Thanks for letting us see you, Dana
May I suggest a trick that college professors use? Have a coffee hour.
Because you are more national and international, replace the coffee hour with a one hour “Ask Havi Rapid Fire Conference Call” once a month.
Where you don’t teach or talk or discuss. You just answer.
Where you answer / help people only when they log onto the call. So if their question is really serious, they will make time for the call.
This will allow you to help everyone – but on your terms.
“A time for everything and everything in its time.”
Ankesh Kotharis last blog post..How To Eradicate Poverty (Without Doing Charity)
I’m glad you took some time for yourself and figured out some stuff!
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But we’ll find a way. Love it.
@Jen, Dana, Melissa – thanks so much for the love and support. I’m totally appreciating it.
Also — totally off topic — my brother just pointed out that I missed a whole bunch of the things our father says that fall into the “completely hilarious but wait, this is actually terrible advice” category. Like:
“I like my habits — why would I want to change them?”
“I have an enormous capacity for self-deception!” (proudly)
“Life is easier when you can just compartmentalize your problems.”
“It’s easier to get a job when you already have a job.”
And I just remembered that there’s also:
“Denial is the healthiest thing there is!” or something like that.
Awesome. Or depressing. But we just cracked ourselves up over it for about ten minutes.
Best part about siblings is having someone who totally understands exactly how insane our parents are. It is wonderful.
“My peace of mind is the most valuable asset in my business” is exactly what I needed right now. Been going a little off the deep end, which is not useful.
Sonia Simones last blog post..7 Dumb Things Small Businesses Do That You Can’t Afford #4: Thinking It’s About You
Havi,
Speaking of leaning into the support you already have? Kyeli and I are here for you. If you need anything, just ask, okay? (:
Also, if you need some practice in saying no, I can help with that too. Could you please PayPal me five bucks? (;
Paces last blog post..Come home, Black Sheep.
Big hugs to you, Havi!
Thanks yet again for such a beautifully honest and transparent post. It’s so helpful to see what you’re going through. (After all, we all have the same stuff from time to time.)
And, if it helps, trust that all your readers and students will be here with compassion and understanding for you, and understand that we also trust you to take care of yourself so you can be there for us on your blog, and in classes and whatever wonderful thing you’ve got cooking. 🙂
(I know you know all of this, but that doesn’t mean it’s not nice to hear.)
Hope the rest of your week goes swimmingly!
Sometimes I come back to the drill before every plane ride. You must take care of yourself first before you can help another person. You know with your mind that you’re worth it. Now believe it in your heart. We all know you’re capable of wonderful things.
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And, Havi? November. November is dark and darker every day. It can be wonderful and cosy, but it is also hard. Everything keeps going so fast, and it keeps getting darker.
I feel it especially when my sometimes-out-and-about work has me doing a complicated automobile commute in the days when the sun shines less and less. Out there on the highway, maybe in the rain, in that sea of headlights in the dark morning–oh, my. Why all this hurry when what we need is more and more kindness? November.
“My peace of mind is the most valuable asset in my business.” Yes. And, yes, we’re rooting for you.
Susan Marie Swansons last blog post..susan_marie: Swedish author Astrid Lindgren born 14 Nov 1907. “She never forgot how wonderful, but how difficult, it is to be a child.” http://is.gd/7kzM
Oh, good point Susan about it being November – and Havi, you’re not in the brightest place on the earth. It’s pretty gray there, and it’s pretty gray where I am too so I can totally relate.
I’m glad for you that you’ve been able to gain some clarity in this situation – you’re such an incredible person and I love that you’re so transparent too.
Great post – you rock, as always 🙂
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@Susan Marie – Thanks so much for the reminder about November and the grey. I always love the great way you have of expressing yourself.
And who knows? Maybe I’m in hibernation-mode a bit. Completely possible!
@Sonia – Hilarious. Without my brother to remind me that he and I don’t actually crave stressful situations, I’d completely think that we were the nutty ones.
I don’t know what I’d do without that. And take care of your peace of mind, too. We need you in good form!
@Lisa, Diane, Pace, Jeanne, Carole – thanks for the good wishes and insight and empathy and for being such a great source of support. Love that.
I once spent November, December too, in the north-west.
Now, I’d just say “no”.
As for the Ask Havi backlog, one solution could be to just post the questions, the non-sensitive personal ones, and let readers answer them with comments. Sounds a lot like a forum, that one…
This is a problem that a lot of women (in particular) have. Maybe it’s the helper mouse thing. But in one of my gigs last spring it felt like I spent all day teaching young professional women how to say no without losing their identity as nice, helpful women. So you are not alone. But that insight about the importance of your peace of mind to your business is spot on.
JoVEs last blog post..Inspire me…
Hi Havi:
YOu have a line in your non-sucky yoga mp3 that says “what if everything you need is right here for you or coming right to you” – something like that.
You are such a giving soul – you’ve helped me see that what I need is right here, always has been and always will be.
That’s because what I most need is the underlying peace and stillness that I always am – despite whatever giving, drama, busy-ness, that is going on. I can tap into it in whatever quality that looks like – i.e. clarity, trust, safety, truth, etc.
So, dig in girl – there’s plenty for all and I can tell how much love you share with others. That’s here for you too.
Be good to Havi today–
xoxox
Char
Havi, I need a couple of bedroom re-decorated when you have a spare moment. If you say no you’re obviously an evil witch and I may have to unsubscribe and drag your name through the mud along with your aquatic friend. On the other hand, Selma may enjoy being dragged through the lovely warm mud that I had in mind by her beak, so I’ll drag her through some sand instead. That should do it.
I get this a lot with clients and I ask them “Who is the person in the world that you most respect. They must be at least slightly famous?” It doesn’t matter who they say as long as they’re alive, I respond thus. “Hah! Do you honestly believe that person doesn’t have to say no at least 10 times more than they say yes?”
I then look very smug as they soak up my words of wisdom.
Of course you’ve read my book, so you already knew that 😉
Tim Brownsons last blog post..Let’s Get Political
(HUGS) and I’m glad you worked it out with yourself.
That was a lesson I had to come to terms with when I became a mom. The first instinct is to put the kids first no matter what. Then all of a sudden it’s 7pm, your tired, cranky and thinking… “Did I ever eat lunch?”
It took me a long time to realize that if I put my needs first I was then a better mom. That throwing myself on my sword might seem right in the moment but was a long term disaster for the entire family. I believe that is true whether your family is 2 small kids or an entire community of readers.
(HUGS)
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Hi Sweet Girl,
The experience of overwhelm that you are describing is just kind of what happens when you go through a huge growth spurt like you’ve been doing with your business and being internet famous and moving and having your brother come and, and and…. of course the winter grey Pacific Northwest uber hibernation mode doesn’t really help anything! When you are renegotiating some of those new boundaries NO can be the most beautiful word in the English language! ( However, you would know if there’s something even better in German (-: ) And so necessary, especially for helper mice women!
I’m glad that you are taking care of yourself and finding healthy, happy, sparkly, shiny ways to go to that next level of biggification. Thanks for sharing your process around this. It’s something that we all need to be reminded about.
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Dear Havi,
After reading your post I quickly realized that I don’t value my personal time as much as I thought. Time to refocus on the projects I want to work on and saying no to others is not a bad thing.
Guilt is the feeling I am often left with when I have said no. I then gave in to others out of that feeling, dropping whatever I was working on.
What an eye opener this post has been. I suppose you have to see others who are dealing with the same obstacles before you really see your own in full light.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! Looking forward to reading more of your blog to see what else I can learn about my own self. ~ Michelle Hayes