Talking through the burnout.
And yes, I’m talking to myself.
What is needed?
What do you need, sweetie?
More stopping.
More going dark.
More hiding.
Acknowledging the hard. And finding the useful.
What is useful here?
Obviously, burnout sucks. Without having to appreciate the burnout or be grateful for it because that would just be annoying, what is useful about having reached this extreme state of it?
Well, I can take notes about what it’s like, and and put them in the Book of Me.
When I plan things for future me, I can build in time for unexpected craziness.
And I can seed vacations. Plant them into the calendar. But actually take them. Not like the ones that are on my calendar now that just get ignored.
Also holidays that come before the work and not just after.
Schedule in both planning time and down time. Time for being OFF.
Teacher me needs to be rested and replenished before running events. She needs to be alone.
She needs to be thoroughly rested and cared for. To retreat into a cocoon and emerge new and refreshed. It’s a better for what is being taught to come into the world.
Now is not then. So how is now not then?
This state of intense wiped-out over-done tired is really reminding you of your last teaching trip to Berlin two years ago when you fell apart completely. Except it’s not like then. How is now different from then?
That burnout came from weeks of endless auditory and energetic assault on my senses, along with a number of extremely stressful and problematic situations that were beyond my control.
This round, on the other hand, comes from working too much at things I love that are highly successful. Different.
That burnout happened during a much bigger transition period, in a time of (perceived, at least) considerably less support.
The infrastructure wasn’t there. We thought we were going to have to leave Hoppy House. We didn’t know what was coming next. Everything was shaky and up in the air.
And I didn’t know anywhere near as much about how to take care of myself. I didn’t have my morning rituals and my stopping rituals. So the falling apart was that much more violent and drastic.
Now we have so much more stability and sovereignty.
Imagine. What will you say about today?
One day you will look back on these past weeks as the thing that changed everything in your life for the better. Why?
Hmmm. So this is how and when I learned to really and truly re-charge. And also to plan things to require less recharging.
The genius thing that is pre-vacation so you start everything super-relaxed? That came from this.
This is where I figure out the transitions. This is where I learn to respect my capacity and to over-estimate rather than under-estimate the amount of down time that is needed to do what I want to do in the world.
What happens once this shift has been made?
Once you know how to care for yourself, what happens to you and in your life?
I laugh more. I apologize less.
My teaching becomes even more grounded. I maintain boundaries better. I’m less worn out.
It’s easier for me to promote the next event because I’m not secretly wishing for a magical month of time off.
Recovery times get both easier and shorter.
I am full of love for what I do, not just while I’m doing it but before and after too.
Going on holiday isn’t about exhaustion, but about pleasure. Note: this concept is blowing the top of my head off, so I am going to need to sit with this some more.
Apparently my fuzzball monsters have some serious objections to the idea of doing anything for pleasure. But I’m also getting that the more I take this time for me, the less my monsterlets show up.
Because it’s only when I’m worn out and vulnerable like this that I start to think maybe they’re right about things. Interesting.
And comment zen in the comment blanket fort.
You are welcome to grab a cushion and play if you want.
You can answer any of the questions I came up with or make up your own. You can talk to exhausted you or past you or slightly future you.
You can sit around and listen. Whatever you like.
As always: we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We give people room to have their own experience and to that end, we don’t give unsolicited advice.
xox
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“Imagine. What will you say about today.”
I say a variation of this to myself when I catch myself cringing at an image of myself in a photo I don’t like. I tell myself, “Honey, in ten years, you’re going to look at this and say, ‘I was beautiful.'” So why not say it now? (And again in ten years?) Perspective. xox
Cushion. Curlycushion. Snuggle.
Listening to the idea of rituals holding one together from burnoutfallapart. Thoughtful.
Oh, a cushion! My cushion is so soft and beautifully textured. Thank you.
What is needed? Love. Love for myself. Love for the people around me. Love for my fears.
What is useful here? Looking around me to see what works. Textures. Touching things. Touching myself. Touching my Self.
How is now not then? I contain more. I am larger inside.
One day you will look back on these past weeks as the thing that changed everything in your life for the better. Why? This is where I begin to change the story. This is where I get to take the hard things, the old things, the oh-no-not-again things, and forge new ways of interacting with them. This is a new chapter.
What will you say about today? Today was, and is, and will be, mine to explore. Today is the present.
One day you will look back on these past weeks as the thing that changed everything in your life for the better. Why?
This is where/when I changed my entire world-view and started the ball rolling on my new life. This is when I discovered that life is sooooooooo much easier and exciting and fulfilling when I’m in alignment with who I really am, instead of trudging through every minute trying to be who I thought I should be. This is when I truly started loving myself and, in turn, loving others became easier. SUPER BIG DEAL: This is when I found my right people! 😉
dear exhausted me:
about a month ago you wrote the words “blocked for the sake of sanity” into this coming weekend on your calendar. so *I KNOW* that you knew this would happen, and you know how to fix it.
So that weekend “to-do” list that you just wrote that is 10gazillion lines long? Yeah. About that.
Lets sit down tonight after work and decide how we add the “sanity” back in. A nap at the beach. A walk. A restful Sunday afternoon.
Our slightly future us (the us that is going to March Rally!) will be so grateful, so well cared for, and so much more open to possibility and opportunity and brilliance and health. We owe it to her.
love,
me.
ps – thank you havi!
This state of intense wiped-out over-done tired is really reminding you of that horrible conversion in 1986 when you fell apart completely and then your massive meltdown in 2001 when your father went nuts. Except it’s not like then. How is now different from then?
– I have a friend who completely gets what I’m going through and with whom I can share my deepest darkest fears without be judged.
– I have sweet kitties who ground me twice a day
– I have a safe place to hide where the world can’t find me
– I am much more self-aware and can spot the patterns of dysfunction before they blindside me. Note I said spot, not stop.
– I am aware of the choices that I made that have gotten me into this short-term bind, but in the long-term I will be a stronger person
Thank you for posting this today, Havi. It’s been a particularly hard day in a long series of hard months.
I’m here. I’m listening.
I keep writing things and deleting them. I’ve done my post and let it all out. Tomorrow is a new day and a better day for all of us.
Oh, hooray.
I mean, BOO that you’re having this awful burnout. And it does sound truly awful, and (is there a way of saying ‘my heart goes out to you’ that doesn’t sound completely cheesy when addressing someone you’ve never met?)
But hooray, hooray for these revelations. I am so glad, and really hope and pray that they take root.
(I know I’m being really sappy here! Sap sap sap!)
This (well, this and thinking about my Friday Chicken ahead of time) has triggered a little thought-process in me too:
I’m afraid my current burst of crazy-productivity will end the way my bursts of crazy-productivity always have – a spectacular self-destructive collapse. An equal and opposite reaction to every action.
Also, in my current burst of crazy-productivity, where is the relaxation time? Where is the Shiva Nata? Where is the writing? Where is the time for journalling and destuckification practices? Where is the time for long rambling prayers and long listening silences?
And then: oh. OH. Maybe these two things are connected.
Maybe if I schedule in plenty of the latter, I might, just might, avoid the former.
This will mean getting less crazy-productive stuff done, in the short term, but more in the long term. I hope.
Thanks for this post (and for the whole blog, which I have been reading for the last few months).
I am exhausted, too.
From doing less of the work I love and more of trying to keep people from killing each other.
From weeks of having to be “the adult in the room” in a roomful of grownups.
From months of nursing our extremely aged and frail kitty, who finally left us last Saturday.
From a month of small domestic disasters, the blizzard, a bad cold, and so on.
I will be taking a staycation in a few days, and a fine thing it will be, too.
Thanks for shining this light on the importance of taking care of yourself. I will remember it.
This post reminds me in a very helpful way about a realisation that I had awhile ago.
That I have an old program that still sometimes runs within me that says that work is something that should be done every day in more or less equal parts, and that I’ve realized that doesn’t work for me.
It’s so much better in so many ways if I just care for myself when I’m not in a good place to work, and then work when I am. I spend much less time working, but I get way more done, and I end up feeling great rather then feeling depleted.
It’s important to remind myself of this because it’s so helpful, but not yet automatic. But it’s getting there….
Havi, I’m sorry to hear you’re burned out, and thrilled to hear that you’re learning amazing things from it! I wish you wonderful resting!
Andy