Over the past several weeks, I have been asking the same four questions.
This set of four questions has been my anchor. For pretty much everything.
I ask these four questions when I enter things. Before conversations. Before meetings, meals, decisions. Another way of preparing for the voyage. Or to say, Hello, Day.
It’s been hard for me to write, hard to explain what’s been going on. But these four questions keep bringing me back to certain internal truths that are steadying and reassuring.
The four questions.
I took these from a book called Crucial Conversations. It’s supposed to be a technique for communication, but I’ve been applying it to inanimate objects, monsters, hopes, ideas and anything else I run into.
The first question is about what I want for me.
The second question is about what I want for [the other ___________ involved]. In the book, they’re imagining that there is a person on the other end. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. But there is something that you’re encountering.
The third question is what you want for that relationship, between you and X.
I think the fourth question is: “How would I behave if that were true?”
I have stuff about behaving, so my version is usually more like, “What might I be doing differently assuming that’s really what I want?”
But basically the question points out that there are places where we’re not acting in accordance with the thing we really want. And that there are ways to be more harmonious with the wanting. I like that.
Okay, I don’t always like it. But I find it useful.
Anyway, here is what this looks like in action.
Hello, experience of sadness that is not mine.
1) What do I want for me in relation to this sadness?
I want to remember that now is not then.
I want to let the sadness take a new form. I want to trust that this is happening in the right way.
I want to not hide my powers. This is the closeted thing. I want to be out in my weeetchy-ness but quietly, safely.
2) What do I want for the sadness?
I want to see what is underneath the sadness, which is radiant love. Yes, I said it. Fine.
I want any distortions hiding inside the sadness to be lovingly destroyed. I can do that with SHIVA NATA!
I want the sadness to feel safe. I want the sadness to know that now is not then. We got through it.
Sad self: But what if there is no safety?
Wise me: That is a question that comes from THEN. This requires a re-adjustment of your filters. Re-filter it.
Sad self: There was always love and I couldn’t see it because of the filters?
Wise me: We are constantly replacing the filters. That’s what Shiva Nata does. It is a filter-replacer.
3 What do I want for the relationship with the sadness?
I want us to go deeper than the sadness. The sadness is surface. But under the sadness is the quality of dedication. I want a rededication.
I want to recognize that the sadness is a distortion of PRESENCE. I am allowed to have sadness. And when I am not believing the story that the sadness tells, I am present.
4) And what would I be doing if this were what I really and truly wanted?
I would choose the filter.
I would take time to learn more about the version of me who knows these wise things.
I would change the costume. I would spend more time talking to sad me and giving her safe rooms to recover in. I will do that!
Hello, conversation that I am not looking forward to.
1. What do I want for ME?
Peacefulness. Peace of mind. Being grounded, stable and connected to myself.
Isolation, as in: the cutting of the cords. Sovereignty. Standing in my power.
Not putting up with crap. Invoking the power of NAQICA! Not A Question I Can Answer.
Relief. Sweetness. To take in the essence of love and support without all the rules and trappings, the demands and expectations.
2. What do I want for them?
Also peacefulness. Also being grounded, stable and connected to themselves.
I want them to feel happy. We may not have a great relationship but we can have a warm and pleasant conversation.
3. What do I want for the relationship?
Ease and spaciousness.
4. How would I behave if that were what I truly wanted?
Well, I think I would set aside time to make the call. But I would wait to call until I felt strong and capable. I would wait for the clear knowing. And I’d want a really strong force field.
Hello, getting ready for a holiday.
What do I really want for me?
I want ease, safety, encouragement, the feeling of being supported. I want a lovely picnic-like meal, with flowers, following a slow, deep practice of sun salutations.
What do I really want for this holiday?
To feel celebratory, joyful and to be about freedom in every way.
What do I really want for the relationship between me and the holiday?
A welcoming. To come home to each other and be happy to be together.
And how would I behave if I really and truly wanted these things?
I would buy flowers. I would go to the safe place. I would put the tablecloth out.
I would know that taking the time for this is not taking time away from Stompopolis, it’s contributing. I would take deep breaths and commit to a peaceful peace-filled experience.
Hello, writer’s block.
What do I really want for me?
I want steadiness. I want to reconnect to my sense of steadiness.
And, weirdly, I want to dissolve into steadiness. Which doesn’t sound really steady, but that is how it feels.
Almost as if I’ve lost my connection to organic form and so I keep running into structures of my own creation that are not relevant or true for me anymore.
So the way back into form is to release the forms. See, Shiva Nata again.
Also there is something in there about a version of me who is feeling powerless and upset, because of a real-life situation. And she needs some attention.
I also want to spend some time with “What’s true and what’s also true?“, because you know what’s also true? I have actually been writing up a storm on the Floop.
And I have filled at least ten zillion notebooks with stone skippings and processing. I don’t have writer’s block. I have a block about pressing pooblish on the blog posts, and I know what’s behind that. It’s not mysterious. It just needs time.
What do I really want for the experience of writer’s block?
To remember that there is no block.
What do I really want for the relationship between me and the experience/perception of the block?
Trust. Trust. Trust.
And patience.
And how would I behave if I really and truly wanted these things?
I would give permission and legitimacy to all the varied and complicated things that I’m feeling. And to the situation.
It is okay to get into a plonter (Link for the non-yiddish-speakers). It is okay to not know. It is okay to slowly unravel and find your way back to wherever you find your way back to.
(And it’s not really back either, but that’s a good thing.)
Also I think that I would change my entry and exit, and make other changes in my writing kingdom. So that’s something to learn more about. There is time.
Play with me! And the commenting blanket fort.
If you would like to use these four questions (or any variations on them), go for it.
You can mess around with this here or on your own. As always, taking a silent retreat is a perfectly acceptable (and wonderful!) thing to do.
You could also come up with a list of things that you would like to plug into these questions when you have time.
Or throw some wishes into the pot. Or add something this sparked for you.
I am also receptive to warm smiles and happy sighs.
No advice or reassurances, please. That’s not what I would like today.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. We make this a safe space by letting people have their own experience
Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers (mwah!) and everyone who reads.
Follow
Love, love this. I’ve been in survival/full steam ahead mode on several issues that would deeply benefit from this perspective and attention.
As always, thank you.
Warm smiles and happy sighs – what a powerful process.
And I am going to re-read your sadness one, over and over. As a proxy for me. Because under the sadness is radiant love! YES. And I want to see the distortions under the sadness. And I’ve been entirely ignoring that Shiva Nata can be used for Lovingly Destroying. Not just dissolving or clarifying… hmm.
So many thanks for the honest content and the bravery of poooooblishing (and the word, pooblishing!)
Oh yes, I think this is just what I need right now. Let’s see.
Hello Upcoming Stay at My Parents’ House
What do I want for me?
I want to feel connected to the deep love and appreciation that I have for these people and for everything they have given me.
I want to feel sovereign and adult. I want to be present, and very much aware that now is not then – not in the ways that were good then or the ways that were hard then.
I want to feel respectful of all the ways that my parents are different from me, and to be ok with that. I want to respect their sovereignty just as I want them to respect mine.
I want to feel comfortable, loved, and appreciated.
What do I want for my parents?
I want them to feel comfortable, and like their space is still their own.
I want them to feel loved, respected, and appreciated.
What do I want for my relationship with my parents?
I want it to grow and develop, as we grow and develop as people.
I want it to stay relevant in all our lives.
I want it to stay true to its essence, which has always been love.
How would I behave if I really and truly wanted these things?
I would pay close attention to which me had control of the mouth – me from now, or me from then?
I would use my tools – the Floop, entry/exit, naming the essence, these questions, to stay connected with my forcefield, my sovereignty, and me who can do this with grace.
Wow. I can see these questions being very useful for me as a way to enter into (and transform) a creative block. For me, they would be:
What do I want for me?
What do I want for the artwork? (or “the poem” or “the music”)
What do I want for the process of creating?
Given those wants, where is one place that I could begin?
Yay! Post goodness!!!
This appears to be a pretty advanced practice, but I will give it a go soon.
Thanks, Havi!
I have just requested Crucial Conversations from the library.
NAQICA! I’m going to invoke the power of her cousins NASISA — Not A Something I Should Address — and NAMTIM — Not A Move That Is Mine — to support Past Me, which has been bellowing at me all day about some things lobbed at me. And some things not offered or answered. And perhaps asking the questions in their company will help me feel more at ease about both the things being asked of me and the things that haven’t been happening…
In my first quick-and-eager reading of this post, I interpreted the fourth question as “How would I behave if these things that I want were already true?” Which also strikes me as an interesting thing to ask.
Okay. This is part experiment and part self-intervention, as you’ll see…
Hello, going to bed!
1. What do I want for me?
I want to be peaceful and relaxed, and comfortable.
2. What do I want for the going to bed?
I want it to be something I look forward to, something I relish and savor. I want to feel held, supported, and embraced by my bed.
3. What do I want for my relationship with going to bed?
I want it to be easy and natural. I want a smooth, gentle, ease-filled process of exit and entry. Goodbye computer, hello bed. Goodbye noise, hello quiet. Goodbye wakefulness, hello, sleep. Goodbye holding on, hello letting go.
4. How would I behave if I really wanted these things?
I would say good night to the computer, to all the people, places and things in the Internet river, and I would stand up, and walk up the stairs, and climb into bed, and st-r-r-r-e-e-e-e-tch.
4a. How would I behave if these things that I want were already true?
My body would soften, and my eyes would close. My thoughts would meander down soft, misty pathways. I would whisper, “Good night.”
Good night.
Thanks for these lovely questions at a lovely time!
What do I want for me, regarding procrastination?
Peace, harmony, focus, calm. A little break so I can really enjoy myself.
Understanding, both the parts of me that want to do X and the parts that don’t. Understanding thrills my Analytical and Deliberative strengths, but I also want the simple clarity to move into the bigger me (which includes, yet is not defined by, the relationship to procrastination). This move is not a scary decision, just a sweet creative “yes, and…”
What do I want for procrastination?
Satisfaction that he served his purpose, showed me what I needed to see/feel/experience. Calming of the urge to be so loud. Safety.
What do I want for the relationship between us?
I want the relief of listening. As I listen to his real message, I think he will move on. As he listens to me, I think he will see he is killing the host (or at least the host’s ability to do and be confident and love), which is not his purpose.
What would I do if I believed this was true?
Note when procrastination screams loudest, eventually hear the message: Is this the wrong thing to do? Am I in danger (I being not the ego that is avoiding criticism, but the I who can get bogged down in following through on any opportunity, only to be surprised where that takes her.)
Just wanted to share a warm smile and happy sigh Havi. I know I’ll use this method for myself soon, but right this minute I wanted to share my gratitude with you for everything you share. Lately your site has been like my go-to-comforter-solution-providing-happy-safe-space and I appreciate all you’ve shared here and how it’s been waiting for me like a little wisdom treasure box, ready for when I needed it.
Thank you very much Havi, you’re a blessing. 🙂
Ah! This is awesome. Silent retreat on ze content, but I wanted to say that I found this wonderfully helpful with something that was/is difficult for me. Thank you 🙂
Another Really Useful Technique for the toolbox. Yay.