It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Choosing intentional seclusion, and redefining it.
I got invited to a fun thing on Wednesday and realized the better choice was to say no, because, as I put it, “better to not inflict this tender, vulnerable, emotional premenstrual state on the world.”
And then I instantly corrected myself:
“I mean, better not to inflict the world on tender, vulnerable, emotional me.”
I chose to stay indoors and take care of myself, and this was such a good move. Thank you, wise me.
Next time I might…
Trust the no.
I had been getting a maybe-no on something for a while, but the thing itself sounded so amazing, that I just talked myself into sticking with it.
Then when obstacle upon obstacle piled up, I realized that I was being redirected towards a better yes, even though I didn’t know what it was yet.
I want to trust the no, because that’s what helps me trust the yes.
Actually this happened with about ten different situations this week, so clearly this is the thing I’m meant to be figuring out right now. It is not easy.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Massively ptsd-triggered by an explosion on Saturday. Pain in right ear lasted through Monday evening, hearing probably damaged. A breath for poor scared me-from-then who can’t tell the difference between fireworks and suicide bombers.
- Entirely new levels of overwhelmed. Also, the phrase What Unsovereign Shit Is This? (WUSIT!) gave way to What NEW Unsovereign Shit Is This? That got said a lot this week. Oh, and I got angry enough to give someone the finger. That never happens, I don’t even know who I am right now but this week I got to the point of Seriously Hating Everything. Except the boy. I still like him. Everything else though is getting on my nerves. A breath for ease.
- Still letting go of everything and it hurts. A breath for releasing.
- Collating collating collating and getting all the things ready to go. And then a hundred things went wrong. Our shopping cart software gave us billing addresses instead of shipping addresses, so we had to redo each package individually. And they haven’t respond to help requests because they have this new thing where paid requests come first. So apparently paying a thousand dollars a year for the service doesn’t count. Oh, I could go on. Post office obstacles and ordering obstacles and everything obstacles. A breath for logistics.
- Body hurts. I miss yoga. I miss being outdoors. I miss Rally. I miss dancing. A breath for comfort, and for patience.
- Waltz brunch, my all-time favorite Portland dance event and the main thing keeping me here, was not enjoyable for me this month. The lesson was terrific but got triggered twice during the dance and left early. A breath for all signs lead to the exit.
- Missing the beautiful boy. And our four weeks of running away together got canceled for [reasons] and [obstacles], and this is absolutely the right thing, and I can still be sad about it, and I am. A breath for a new plan, may it reveal itself soon.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The secret code name my lover and I gave to our four weeks of running away together was Operation True Yes. So it’s pretty funny that less than a week before we were set to leave, we both discovered simultaneously that this was not our True Yes. I mean, running away together is still our true yes. Just not in the particular form that had been planned. So here’s to true yes, here’s to the new form of that, here’s to going somewhere quiet to breathe together. I can’t wait to find out when and where that will be. A breath for trust, and for true yes, and for knowing that this is right.
- Sweetness and warmth. I know what in my life is good. A breath of appreciation.
- Sending off all the BORKS! A breath for delight.
- A wonderful talk with Alon about living by joy sparks. A breath for delight.
- I was hating the latest self-administered haircut, and Marissa was able to salvage it, and now everything is slightly better. A breath for perspective.
- Turned the horrible yard sale of iguanas and doom into a Releasing Party & Treasure Hunt, and now I feel better about that. A breath for how words are magic.
- Taking care of so many iguanas. I am ready to let go of things I was not ready to let go of before. A breath of thank you.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Rumba. Soup. The red hot water bottle. People who care about me. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
So much done! Finished editing the last two ebooks! Stuff is moving at the Playground! More boxes are leaving my house! A very complicated Playground op: taken care of! Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
Let’s revisit the fountain. As much as possible. We’re all equal at the fountain.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of Solidarity In Irritations (is it just one guy?), and the power of Finding My Way.
Superpowers I want.
I want the superpower of Totally Unfazed By Any Of This.
The Salve of True Yes.
When I wear this salve, I feel steady and grounded. I remember again. I feel what draws me, I recognize that belly spark of oh, this is for me!
Everything that is not my yes doesn’t even appeal, so I’m not even tempted.
I just zero in on moments of yes.
It takes three seconds to know what I want to wear. I am not overwhelmed by choices in the supermarket.
This salve is a secret sovereignty salve: want what you want!
It reminds me of vetiver, frankincense and the hidden staircases inside of me that lead to treasure.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from the Vicar. Since everyone I know has been having a week of Everything Is Extra Horrible (the latest album of this band), it is reassuring to know that I am not alone, there’s some weird cosmic clearing out of junk, or something going on, so really, we have company, and The Cosmically Fucked is a gigantic ensemble, and not at all just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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Hello, Friday, let’s be friends.
What worked: Being a pattern-whisperer.
Next time, I might… Take even deeper breaths. When in doubt, breathe a little deeper.
Hard: Having things to do that make me nervous. Getting depleted, again and again.
Good: My decision, at the sweet eleventh hour, to treat myself to an extra helping of Plum Duff. Work going smoothly. Being appreciated.
I now invoke the superpower of Everything Is Easy. Sending love and sparkle to everyone who would like some!
It’s not just one guy!!
Thanks for dispersing the brain fog with that.
Double the WUSIT here as I realize holy Toledo I have been dimming my spark for some people SO MUCH.
Ugh. The End.
Thank you, Havi!
It is Friday, yes.
And I feel so guilty (Friday, it’s nothing personal… truly it’s not), but I do not love Friday.
Friday means that any space / time / calm I have is about to be taken b/c the family will be home all weekend & need more from me than I feel like I can give (and then I feel smaller yet b/c a mother & wife “shouldn’t feel this way”. Ugh.).
But Friday is here regardless, and I’m not sure how to handle it b/c I’m already feeling worn down (#HSP issues) and very very thin. The Reiki II class that I’ve been so looking forward to (for what feels like forever) has been cancelled, and that felt like my one saving grace for the weekend.
Deep breath for feeling like I need to cry, for feeling brain fuzzy and nauseated, and for having another client call to take before I start the evening craziness.
Deep breath of acceptance vs beating myself up for feeling the way that I’m feeling.
Gentle breath for remembering that I Am Also Human (I’m not just a wife, nor just a mother… I am those and lots lots more), and that it’s really ok to feel how I feel… and beyond that, that it’s ok to ask for what I need (oh, clenching inside with that, but gentle breath around it as well).
What Worked This Week:
*I really did get tons done, and that feels good.
*I created some new offerings (finally realized that I can remove the offerings that make me cringe – even though I think people might want them, and add only what makes me feel yummy inside) and am super pleased about that.
*When I remembered to take a time out & visit Mama Earth, or nap, or give myself Reiki, or paint, or read… I immediately felt better. Stillness felt (feels) best. Very grateful for those moments. #MoreOfThosePlease
What I’d Like To Do Differently:
*I’m still taking on too much, but am not sure I know how *not* to. I am open to seeing new options and trying new things.
*Absolutely NO MORE artificial scents in this house. They make me physically sick and I do not want them in my space, dammit!
*Releasing guilt for needing what I need.
<3
hugs and a pebble for so much of your post.
-o-
Hello, Friday.
The Hard:
– Relatives visiting, people over, and going out. None of it so bad, but it all wore me out. A breath for rest.
– I have been so exhausted this week. For three days, my pattern was 8 hours of sleep, then two hours sleeping in, then a two hour nap, and still so tired my eyes close in the middle of sentences. Another breath for rest.
– The last time I was this tired, it was on the trip to Bolivia. So that’s terrifying. Though I find it extremely unlikely I could be on the way to Bolivia because I’m not sick. A breath for right timing.
– But then after spending all week saying: “Okay, I think this tired is just because of transitioning and not because of Bolivia THANK GOD,” I found out three people I know are on their way to Bolivia and promptly started crying because I’m not. A breath for ambivalence.
– The lovely man is sick and grumpy and I wish I could fix it for him but I can’t. But I keep trying. A breath for patterns.
– I am avoiding answering a bunch of rather innocuous emails. In similar situations in the past, I tend to feel better once I’ve answered them, but I’m not sure if it’s correlation or causation. At any rate, I very much do not want to answer them, and I’m reluctant to force myself when it’s unclear that would be helpful (really I’m reluctant to force myself at all). Still, it’s hanging over me. A breath for mysteries.
– There is a blanket. And I hate it. When we get to the linens and blankets part of our congruencing thing, I’d like to get rid of it. (Really, I’d like to get rid of it now, or two years ago, because I have the clarity that I do not want this thing in my space.) But it was a gift from someone who made it, and who has already yelled at me once about it being in my closet instead of out being used. Do I give it back to them? Do I donate it? It seems like such a small easy thing, but I am having nightmares about it. A breath for family stuff, and how deep it goes.
The Good:
– Considering all the socializing, and the tired, and the husband’s sick, things are still…flowing. Time pops up in perfect mysterious little places all over.. This may be my first conscious experience of flow when things aren’t necessarily going “well.” It’s been very nice. A breath for trust.
– Still going strong at congruencing. We went through all the electronics and the tools, and sold a bunch of furniture and hobby stuff for way more money than I thought we’d make. And our new low-to-the-ground table is spectacular. A breath for more miracles.
– OUR HOUSE IS SO CLEAN! Blissfully, blissfully so. And so easy to keep clean. Like, keeping it clean is actually something I can do instead of this Sisyphean battle I fight every day. It feels amazing. A breath for comfort.
– Kid took herself to the potty without even telling me about it until after. It was only the once, but still. Kind of a hallelujah. A breath for good changes on the horizon.
(I was explaining to a babysitter the procedure for changing her, and started to say “It’s not too bad,” but then corrected myself because I think it takes several years of parenting to get to the point where cleaning up someone else’s poop and pee is “not too bad.” Yes, compared to an infant it’s not too bad, but I’ll be glad to put this particular skill mostly behind me.)
– As things clean out, it feels like my marriage is cleaning out too. Like everything’s getting moved offstage while a spotlight shines on just us. It’s very sweet. Kind of scarily so. A breath for vulnerable closeness.
– o –
What worked: cleaning up my side of the street.
The Hard:
The money suck continues. It’s like a cliff eroding or something. A sickly child that has caught a cold. A ship with nothing else to throw overboard taking on water. And no idea why or how to change it. All the plans and actions in the world don’t matter.
When you take certain options off the table, you lose your imaginary escape hatch. I sometimes miss the imaginary escape hatch.
The Good:
A day out with my mother.
Finding gym clothes for 1.97 at Old Navy. And finally having an adequate supply that make me look less lumpy.
I saw a boy at the gym. We did a weird awkward wave thing where at first I didn’t know he was waving at me, then I didn’t quite recognize him, then I realized I’d had a very small crush on him a while back (and tried to set him up with a friend). But we managed to smile and say hi after all the neurons in my brain figured out what was happening. Anyway, nice to know someone who is at the gym.
I signed up for an acting class. A breath for new and scary things that might be fun or weird or something.
Less introvert alone time, which is a good thing.
Oh Friday cluck! the sun has just gone down s i am lighting candle and saying Shabat Shalom!
what worked this week: praxis. the tea bedtime ritual. following the spark of energy. i’m not quite ready for ‘only what sparks joy or is useful’, but i made strides there this week
the sucks.
-the biggest suck is all the ways in which I KNOW BETTER and still do the thing. iterations of this stupid stupid pattern of stupidity are:
-getting high in the morning. wtf? even when i am determined i still do it. fuck.
-up too late with the friendly dawgs
-abandoing any progress on Securing the Keep
-in other news, husband and all his sucks
-spectre of [thing i dont want at all]
-longing for congruencing, not getting there
-the hosue is a sty. hate that. this is the consequence of stepping back and not pushng myself too mjcuh on the weekends, which is fabuous. but, the hosue is a sty
-cant make any progress on new Ops, any habit changing or modification
-no movement in weeks. supersuck
but some sparkle:
-Grateful dead 50th anniversary shows, the weekend after my 50th birthday. because gawd loves me.
-getting so much doen at work
-the presence of a spark! towards getting things done, both at work and on the mat and in my writing.
-treating myself to exactly the peice of Plum Duff i wanted
-sharing the fluent self blog with a friend who really dug it
-being ready to get into third hand works, finding treasure there
-Art! making more art! art in the evening, art on the weekends, making art and journaling about art
-Embarking !!
-my collage for 2015. it’;s taking frever and i am lving every moment of work on it.
-lots of connection ot Ochun. yea!
Two months worth of Catchup Chicken.
A new cluck for a new year. My word is Freedom. Also Legitimacy.
Thought to end 2014, “Let’s put some lipstick on this pig and shove it out into the spotlight one last time!” Packing up the past year is happening more easily than in the past.
Not everything happened by their skylines, but everything happened, (details redacted) A little sadness that I will not have to make cards for people at work, because I will be on The Quest. Unless I am working somewhere.
On the evening of New Year’s Day, my body decided to Release – big time. I suspect something I ate for lunch on New Year’s Eve. I Do Not Like the BRAT diet. Spicy foods are Not to be Eaten by Me.
The Dude and I screamed and yelled at each other 1/8/15. (Details redacted.) He thought my request was A Ballistic Clown Shoe. Although I got Very Loud and pounded the arm of my comfy chair and wound up crying, which dialed him down because he didn’t want me to cry, internally I was quiet. But upon review, I think we both were tired.
Other than that, the day was wonderful. The AdventureMobile passed its smog test! Thanks to his effort which I appreciated physically, verbally and by us going out to a steak dinner. Then we Screamed and Yelled.
I realized that I Have structure! The Dude, the House, church, my sister, the in-laws, my principles, competencies, income, health.
And I could boil an egg and add it to the leftover ramen! I did and it was good.
I ruminated a little on House Soup – do I want Underground House Soup, or will Renovated House Soup have the qualities I want? I can return to this at My Leisure.
I used my Superpower of Professional Crastination to take care of Feeding the Wolves. Darth’s Audit (not as much of a metaphor as you might think) and Gas Log did not need to be done That Night. The Wolves are fed. Legitimacy of not liking the wolf-feeding process. Legitimacy of not wanting to play with changing metaphors right now. Darth’s Audit and Gas Log got WHAM Boomed in Due Time.
During a Day of Running Around, learned that trying to estimate how long things will take is not something I need to spend energy on or worry on because That’s How Long It Takes! Even though it seemed I was looping on my own tracks, That’s How It Works! DangIt! Big WHAM Boom for the weekend I Got Stuff Done! Was wearing the Salve of More Options I whomped up from Havi’s post.
Recent conversations about The Quest add intel and reinforce that No Expectations are Needed, I don’t Need to Know, but gathering maps and intel, especially from those Who Have Gone Before are worthwhile activities. Using the Salve of True Yes will be helpful. My face smiles when I hear myself say a True Yes.
Jonquils in abundance for everyone!
Grateful for the gift of Jonquils, QLee. They will make a lovely salve, too. 🙂
What worked this week: asking for what I want.
Next time: more NVC. Maybe developing a morning devotional?
Hard, frustrating, etc.:
* So tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open at a birthday celebration
* Too sleepy to work on calligraphy commission
* Wikipedia, WTF? (trigger warning: Gamergate)
* Lots of PC crash and freeze
* Drains not draining. Dammit.
Good, satisfying, etc.:
* Temp gig now permanent!
* …and being congratulated with lovely messages AND a grapefruit macaron 🙂
* Celebrating a friend’s birthday with, among other deliciousness, a glass of A to Z pinot noir (super-appropriate in light of him being a print artist and me a letterer)
* Still alive in an Australian Open pool
* Commission = tax-deductible shopping for pencils
* 99-cent purple dress fitting like the proverbial glove
Warm wishes to all y’all.
I have been so removed from the chickening, and yet I return to find homage paid to my compatriots in The Cosmically Fucked. The lead single off Everything Is Extra Horrible is an Elliott Smith cover. A very sad one, naturally.
This week I am thankful for ALL THE PEOPLE, and all the distractions, and all the listeners, and all the time which continues to run ever forward. And you. Very much you.
Ah, yessss: “Since everyone I know has been having a week of Everything Is Extra Horrible (the latest album of this band), it is reassuring to know that I am not alone, there’s some weird cosmic clearing out of junk, or something going on, so really, we have company, and The Cosmically Fucked is a gigantic ensemble, and not at all just one guy” made me laugh out loud, which I haven’t done in far-too-long. Thank you Havi. <3
Too many [decisions] about too many [parts of] too many [different things] – making my head (and my heart) hurt. A breath for remembering to breathe, and for permission to accept and take in what is freely offered.
Hi chooks,
Hardenschtuffs…
* Body needs something that it is not getting, or is dealing with something that is draining, or a combination, so I am tired, a lot. A breath for paying attention.
* I think I should know what do next a hellalot more often than I feel like I actually do. Then I get anxious and thinky. Or the other way around. A breath for patterns being, er, patterny.
* I am back home, and All The Projects are waiting for me. Gulp. A breath for trust.
* I take a lot of comfort from screentime and I know this is not particularly good for me, and only partially and temporarily satisfying. A breath for being bonded with less-than-ideal connections.
* Now Is Not Then and He Is Not Him But Bloody Hell It’s A Close Resemblance ended on a note of being HIGHLY RESEMBLING. A breath for whooshing and clearing old toxins and old temptations.
Gudenschtuffs…
* As I theorised, getting squared by chastisement was actually angelic intervention and meant I avoided much more painful chastisement a few days later. Pronoia ftw!
* I was away from my kids long enough to actually miss them and feel joyful to be back with them again. Oh my, colour returning to my life, this is good!
* All The Projects are good projects, I am excited to be undertaking them, and the Overwhelm is just endorsement for getting through the projects which are designed to minimise the occasions of having All The Projects Overwhelm again.
* A wardrobe that fits! Oh, this is so lovely. I have hungered for this. Yum.
Onward, to Projects.
<3 <3 <3
cheers, chickeneers!
What worked this week:
>focusing on what sparks joy. oh my gosh is that a revealing concept
> keeping in mind the ship internal, sovereignty. like, leaving the light on, where the light is the light of sovereignty. using that light to help me notice tiny patterns.
+ and –
so much change, so much emptying. still illuminating those corners. finding stuff and Stuff of yuck and treasure. movement. hellos and goodbyes.
taking into next week:
>keeping the light on
>remembering Shit Is Not About Me
>lavender oil
A long time since I did a chicken here, but it feels like I should start again.
What worked:
Building in quiet time.
Just keep moving, even if the steps are tiny.
Kitten paws!
The hard:
Emotional exhaustion.
Tough news at work regarding the budget. Feel like I have finally come up against an un-solvable problem.
Sad news at home, a friend was diagnosed with cancer four weeks ago, and he died on Friday. Still struggling to wrap my head around this.
The good:
Trip back to my hometown went very well. Lots of laughter and discovery of new things as well as old.
Old friends! They are a gift.
Past me scheduled today as a day off, for rest and processing. Smart!
Have a good week!
I’m so very sorry about your friend. So much love. <3
Thank you!
This week has been a massive Festival of Covert Ops. Agent Sneaky Snake led me underground to do some deep inner landscaping and it was intense (in tents!!) and amazing. I can imagine implementing this practice more often!
Here are some tangles and donuts.
TANGLES
+the mysterious disappearance of Agent Talksalot
+the weird message for Agent Deadname
+getting sucked back into Bananapeelness after so many weeks of…not exactly
+Agent Mishap not really wanting to talk to me when I called
+oooh that smell
+Agent Brainbow is vacating the premises (fuck! whoohoo.)
+fuckin crazy ass dreams
+feeling like trusting my instinct on Op: Uno is equivalent to “wimping out”…helloooooo monsters
+the Paramecium Conundrum — resolved by declaring Slippers Sovereignty.
DONUTS
+The arrival of the Trumpet Manual!
+Everything about Festival!
+Bibliophilia forever!
+Rag Tag (an awesome movie which I highly recommend!)
+cool respectful discussion about gender stuff on FB!
+Top Secret Personal Holiday!
+Agent Auctoria has arrived and is On The Case!
+FOCOmaths! YAY!
+Project SLIPPERS. Delight! Sovereignty!
+Agent Browncoat & Co’s Grand Expansion!
+Qversary!
+Op: GYDNYB!
+Introducing: Nanorabbit!
INTEL
+Testing of valuable hypotheses: the Madeleine Badassery Hypothesis and the Fuckin’genius Corrollary
+Transmogrifying the How Dare You Throw Hockey Pucks In The House Monster into a It’s Totally Okay To Have Pancakes When You Want Pancakes Fairy Godmonster.
+OBVIOUSLY I can eat lunch WHENEVER and as OFTEN as I WANT, because I am a FREE AND SOVEREIGN BEING. <3 <3 <3
+the true secret identity of Projadra the Dragon (shhhhhh)
+THIS CLEW: http://cdn3.volusion.com/hpsho.sjaxp/v/vspfiles/photos/000092-3.jpg (image: black t-shirt with white text “WORLD’S OKAYEST GUITAR PLAYER”)
SUPERPOWERS I HAVE HAD
+Infinite Love Rays PEW PEW PEW!
+Finding the Best People
+Love is Always Available to Me
+Invisibility Cloak
+Songs Flow Through Me
+Perfect Broccoli (totally not a proxy! :D)
+Saying the Right Thing
+Fairy Godmonstering
+POOF!
+Extreme [Silent Retreat!]
And my fake band of the week is: Prank The Cat! (It’s just one cat!)
The hard:
-body hurts (especially my hips, wut)
-heart heavy (death is hard)
-can’t figure out how to do the thing (where “the thing” is a number of things in my life)
The good:
-family are good people
-chosen family and friends especially good to me
-taking time
-blizzard! extra good for taking time and ease
Sending along hearts and flowers and pebbles to all here.