It is Friday Saturday and we are here.
{a breath for the Chicken showing up when it’s ready.}
What worked this week?
Giving up!
Thursday night at around midnight I was still working. And very annoyed. Not only about the latest frustrating challenge keeping me up, but also about all the other similar midnights I’ve been through.
My business will be ten years old on Saturday.
That’s ten years of saying “okay, this is the last time it will be like this, just one last push and then we’re done”. I did not like this thought.
This was a rough week for me, in a lot of ways, and I was imagining sitting down to write the chicken and instead just saying: YOU KNOW WHAT NOTHING WORKED THIS WEEK BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS STUPID AND AWFUL THE END.
Band of the week: Ugh. Salve: Screw Everything. Superpower: Giving Up.
So I was sitting there thinking, “I give up, I give up, I give up, I can’t do this anymore.”
But then this switch happened and I suddenly felt so joyful about this! Like, HEY WAIT A MINUTE! I COULD JUST GIVE UP! OHMYGOD! I GET TO GIVE UP!
And suddenly that felt amazing. I mean, that’s the essence of Shmita. Giving up on things that are not working is releasing, which is what I want to be doing anyway.
Next time I might…
Give up sooner.
And surround myself with people who support this. Yeah! Give up!
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- My knee isn’t healed enough to dance, and I’m missing Rose City Swing, a dance convention taking place this weekend in Portland, something I’ve been looking forward to for the past year. This is the worst. I mean, I know that this is not my bus, because if it were my bus I’d be on it. And I know that it is good for me right now to be away from the competitive, comparison-heavy mentality of the dance world. It’s just hard for me to trust this right now. So. A breath for trust, patience, healing.
- The nightmares are back. A breath for rewriting, and for restful sleep.
- Consulting with lawyers about the distressing thing in my work space. A breath for remembering that sometimes the right door is an exit.
- Working on projects and waiting for other people to get back to me with critical intel. The ball is in all the courts but mine. A breath for trusting in right timing, and for the sovereign superpower of calmly and warmly requesting updates.
- Somehow we didn’t save vital posts from last year’s Floop (my online community) when everything got erased during Dry Dock. And the backup disappeared. And the 2013 backup is the an old version and anyway we couldn’t re-install, and the Secret Sword Society is embarking this weekend and suddenly we din’t have any of the orientation material. We uploaded it somewhere else but that still meant sorting through THIRTY THOUSAND POSTS. After about a million hours, we finally found the search terms that worked, but it’s still the old material without my rewrites, ugh. Speaking of millions of hours, my entire week was like that. For example, I thought a project would take two hours so I allotted three, plus an additional two hours to get in the right headspace for doing it. Nope, it took NINE HOURS. This whole week was just one long frustrating experience of everything being infinitely more complicated than I wanted it to be, and re-doing the work I’d already done. A breath for this.
- I didn’t get to see my lover this week at all, partly because he was sick and mostly because we are both working our asses off so that we can hit the road for Operation True Yes. Except what is the point of being in the same city with the person you want to be near if you never see them, and what is the point of working towards LATER if you can’t be together now, and anyway, I don’t believe in later. A breath for me.
- So many endings. A breath for saying goodbye with love, and for new eyes so I can find the treasure and enjoy the beautiful beginnings taking form.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My knee is doing better this week. Actually my knee no longer hurts at all, just parts of my lower leg, on and off, depending on many things but mostly my mood. It’s still not predictable enough to test it out on the dance floor, but I am walking with ease, and stairs don’t bother me anymore. A breath of love for my body for being so clear about what it needs.
- Long talks with my lover (by text because we haven’t seen each other in eight stupid days) about what we want to be doing with our lives. A breath for insight, sweetness, seeing new paths forming.
- Spend most of this week at the Playground, soaking up its love and magic, resting in the hammock, looking at the ceiling, listening. A breath for being loved, because I have never felt more loved than when I am there letting it love me.
- So much joy and appreciating for things in my life that are beautiful. Usually when I’m going through a rough time, I can’t see any of this, but right now even in the hard, I am enjoying so much. The sensation of my feet on the ground, my marvelously comfortable shoes, the miracle of taking a bath, the wonderful thing that is moisturizer, the taste of this tea. A breath for the superpower of enjoying what is.
- While I was panicking about [Situation], my wonderful friend Alon gave me some of the best counsel I’ve ever received on the topic of NO, LISTEN, THIS IS ALL GOOD. Which is also what the Playground told me: “There is no bad news here, there is only being Redirected towards something more congruent.” A breath for remembering this, and for finding the treasure.
- In five days I am leaving for Operation True Yes aka Operation Rosh Tzalul (clear head) aka six months in a camper with a boy, being places that are not Portland, and uncovering, I hope, what I want to do next and where I want to live, and what this all might look like. A breath for a grand adventure.
- The thing that looked like the biggest obstacle might in fact be the most beautiful exit. A breath for saying SWITCH, and having everything switch.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Lira is in town! My suitcase arrived! I have new glasses for the first time in nine years. The cherry blossoms are going crazy and it smells like spring. Emptying out. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Good grief this week. I did more ops than I can even remember. Got the Secret Sword Society ready, on schedule! Emptied out even more of the Playground. Wrote a very hard letter. Met with the attorney. The Munich op is taken care of. Got the necessary provisions for Operation True Yes. It’s happening! Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
There are two kinds of asking why…
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Knowing That I Am Okay.
Powers I want.
I will take the power of Completely Trusting The Adventure, along with Paying Attention To What I Want And Need, and also Delighting In Surprise Exits.
The Salve of Screw Everything: Giving Up!
Normally I think of this in terms of Letting Go, or Releasing, but Screw Everything Giving Up is about reaching the point where you realize you just don’t want to do something anymore.
It is a combination of the sweet softening of Surrender, with the bold, clear, firm deep body knowing of saying Not Going To Do This, Dammit.
This salve has a cooling, calming effect. It establishes boundaries. When this salve touches my skin, I can feel not only my internal space change, but how my immediate external space changes as well. It becomes more defined. The space around me sparkles.
It is a joyful giving up, because I realize that I don’t have to do [it] anymore. The [it] that I don’t have to do might be a pattern, or a way of thinking. A behavior, an approach, a belief, a chore, a way of doing or a way of being. Whatever it is, I don’t have to do it, and I don’t have to do it that way.
This is a salve of options because when I decide to give up, new doors open for me.
Or maybe they were already there but I couldn’t see them because I was still trying to hammer at [it] instead of giving up.
When I wear this salve, I breathe more peacefully, and suddenly I am smiling and I don’t quite know why. This salve is comforting like chamomile, but it also has a zing of possibility to it. I never knew giving up could be so much fun, but it’s kind of celebratory, who knew.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Amye and it’s called Husband And Smash, their latest album is Do You Take This Smash, and it is a very loud band with a gigantic drum set that plays in a completely not-soundproofed room, and yes, it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
They help, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
The page is many years old and needs rewriting! Copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office filled with thank you notes, and most of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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My life has been full of Letting Go (or trying to) lately, but I like Screw Everything – Giving Up even better.
Protracted good-byes and what if’s and feeling conflicted give way to Burning Bridges with a Flamethrower.
Wow, 6 amazing months Away! I hope you’ll still be posting here, so we can hear about what you discover about yourself and everything else. 🙂
I will definitely be here! I am still in love with chickens and wishes and wish-chickens…
Wish-chickens! <3
Hello, Chicken. I’m not even sure I remember this week, but that caveat aside…
The Hard:
– My half-bio-brother-in-law stayed with us, and I found it exhausting.
– Then my father-in-law came to town and there was an unfortunate triggering of The Pattern and also more exhaustion.
– We screwed up and a client showed up and we weren’t ready for her and this after we’d already rescheduled her once. Ugh-ness.
– Everyone was sick, most especially me. Scarlet had to stay home from school, which no one liked. I have no voice, but this is difficult to explain to a toddler who wants books and songs and stories with her strong passionate wanting.
– This week was the first time I’ve missed Facebook. I hurt so much and I wanted distraction of the mindless Internety kind.
– Apparently everything is different in the fourish years since I’ve been on a college campus and backpacks identifiable as such are out and clearly I’m a dinosaur.
– I am writing/mostly wrote a letter that I am conflicted about sending, in a monstery sort of way.
The Good:
– I had the interview for the job I really want and it went about as well as it could have, as far as I can tell. I should hear back soon. It was only moderately stressful. Also I got to ride the bus there!
– It was neat to have my half-bio-brother-in-law over, because he is sweet and because seeing two adopted kids (now grown up) get to be around two someones who look like them is kind of amazing. Also he befriended the neighbors who never talk to us so now they do talk to us.
– The day Scarlet fell asleep next to me, two hours ahead of schedule, without me having to work at it at all.
– My sprouts are growing like gangbusters! I like to sit and just look at them.
– And outside! Growing things everywhere! So beautiful! So exciting to literally watch last year’s seeds sprout. Past me was the best.
– This is much calmer than I usually am about feeling sick for weeks on end.
– I’m once again rereading exactly the right book at exactly the right time.
– I had the sweetest most comforting dream.
– Good talks with the husband man. And good hanging out time.
/endchicken
Just wanted to drop by to say a heartfelt Thank You for your KonMari posts! The most recent one was especially relevant to where I am in my own process.
*leaves a flower*
I love it when the chicken comes along when it feels like it, bearing the gift of the screw everything salve.
The hard:
Snow piles are making me claustrophobic and I’m finding it difficult to find places to move that aren’t the treadmill.
Money, of course. You know, these bills come up every single month. Maybe at some point I will catch on.
Clicking knee and weird ankle.
The good :
Mid week friend fest with people I love and all the laughing plus winning at trivia.
The money stuff didn’t paralyze me. I kept an eye on it all week, showing the monsters that when you look at something every day it gets less scary.
I found a brand new rock gym and love it! Super nice owners, scary fun challenges, and a dog to pet to absorb your nerves and give you strength. A place without snow!
Sidewalk trekking in hiking boots with a pole makes the snow bearable and keeps me upright. A breath for 3 legs and being outside.
A pebble goes here, of the most wondrous simplicity and beauty. If you drop this pebble in water, it’s the kind where you say oh my god who knew it would look like that! <3
Chickening the briefest chicken: I dreamt I received a gift from the Playground, and it was a magical yoga mat that unrolled to be so giant I could cover a whole room. And so thank you, Essence-of-Playground, for such a delightful gift! I bow happily in its general direction.
Six months of adventure, how marvelous. Waving a wave of love and appreciation towards this!
>>A pebble goes here, of the most wondrous simplicity and beauty. If you drop this pebble in water, it’s the kind where you say oh my god who knew it would look like that! <3 <<
Oooh! *admires*
That is the best dream ever!
Jesse, thank you for the wondrous pebble. I dropped it into Havi’s lucid lake, and watched with tears for the beauty. I’m not sure about pebbles, (unlike hugs, hearts, breaths and flowers), but that one was beautiful.
>>That’s ten years of saying “okay, this is the last time it will be like this, just one last push and then we’re done”.<<
Oh, man. My monsters know that jam. Come to think of it, it's the jam to their bo(u)ree. Breaths, breaths, and more breaths.
Hard:
* This friggin' cough.
* Bumper-car boogaloo with Stuff.
* The energy needed to dodge the shoes still tied to those bumpers.
* Oh machine, why so slow?
Good:
* Now is not then.
** Revisiting documents that reminded me what a struggle my teens and twenties were.
** Feeling able, finally, to discard many of those documents.
* An excellent week in fantasy tennis.
* The reaction of both man and dog to crockpot pot roast.
Warm wishes and big bouquets to those who wants 'em.
I love this space so much.
Hard: dealing with dread and what-if fears.
Good: one of the things I was dreading turned out to be just fine, and contained unexpected moments of treasure. I discovered a new-to-me song that’s just so beautiful. I had lovely moments with clients. I felt myself deepening.
I am lighting my candle and invoking the superpower of Vivid Voyaging. <3
Vivid Voyaging! <3
I used that Salve a few years ago now and ended my marriage. To me it always smells of *freedom*. I love it profoundly.
Hards
– busy busy busy, not enough sleeping, sore throat and a cold
– the tidal wave
– knocked the scab off the infection (metaphor) which means I kn what the actual toxin is, which is good and useful, however uncovering the yuk is yuk.
Goods
– Floophaus Downunder is being founded, Agent Be is coming to stay with me for a good long visit and I am thriiiiiiiilled
– upgrading my situation
– clarity of what flavour of yuk I’m dealing with means the possibility of significant change and healing is high
– hope and faith are girding
Cluck xo
Freedom! I remember when I got divorced and people would say “ohmygod that’s terrible I’m so sorry”, and it was so disorienting because to me it felt like Free At Last I Can Breathe Again. I love this slave too.
Leaving a pebble for Havi, in recognition of the hard and of your beautiful wishes.
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And another for the other chickeneers.
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My week was hard. There was stress and an attorney. There was concern and doctors. My best friend succumbed to cancer. And there was (and still is) a lot of snow falling.
Snow is beautiful and it covers a lot of things so we can’t’/don’t have to see them, and it makes it harder to do things. I’m remembering the phrase “snow job” and what a perfect metaphor that is for covering things up.
It’s supposed to keep falling till Monday night; I don’t have to leave the house till then. Everyone, please cross your fingers and/or send the right vibes for two things to happen: for the college to close because of the weather and for someone to dig us out, because I can’t.
There was good in the week, things that I needed and now want to recognize rather than take for granted: heat and light, food and drink family and friends, medical providers, good classes, the car works, the phone works, the computer and internet work. Things would have been a lot worse without these things.
Leaving a stone in recognition and thanks for all these.
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A breath of love for the pain of losing your best friend. A breath of love and a stone for your friend and a breath of love and a stone for you.
SO much love for this, and for you Havi and all the Chickeners.
this week, good heavens. Everything was stupid and there wasn’t any ice cream.
the sucks:
-when did i lose all pretence of Best Practices? i might as well juts admit i am a total muggle couch-potato. Insert all my shadow stuff here.
–the air hurts my face
-car stuff
-no ganas for work. this is really not good
-the total lack of Wite flowers is making everything worse
-no workout time in weeks, but i have till pid for it. joy
-not getting to the new rec center even though i am paying for that. joy
-FIL smoking again so the common floor smells like that. add him lihgting the cigarette and jut forgetting its there as it smouldrs away, like a cancer-scented inscence. considiering i get the side eye for nag champa or smudge, RAGE
-computer issues, thanks to my youngest kid. rage and annoyance
-knowing i need to get out more, just not having the sppons or ganas to go
-revisiting Operation Natasha because we have backslid in bad ways. also, hating the above thoughts at all but still having them
-i dont know what you poeple mean by cherry trees. i have never seen such a thing. i live in Narnia, always winter and ever christmas
the good:
-i can see a tiny faint bit of green haze
-it’s march, oh thank gawd
– i pushed myself to get out of the house yesterday. altho it was not my us, i made he effort, and it was good to do so.
-realizing i’m wearing my Crown pretty comfortably.
-better well tending in many ways, despte low compliance onn Best Practices.
-trying o take enforced workstoppage in strde.
I know what you mean about the cherry trees. I don’t think they exist.
love, pebbles and hearts to you Havi and all the Chickeners. This week has been better… but still, I absolutely LOVE the Salve of Screw Everything: Giving UP! It reminds me of those dreams you have when you suddenly realise you don’t have to do the thing, like you’re not married to that person any more or you don’t work at that crappy place any more, and you’re FREE and can just walk away! Hurray! Keepin this one in my bag with me at all times this week… xx
A Saturday chicken (now a Sunday chicken for me!) feels so appropriate because this week felt like it had a lot of week in it–perhaps because it was a “regular” week after a week that contained both a holiday and a snow day.
Next week (now this week!) I am taking the longest vacation I’ve ever taken since I started Current Job six years ago–two whole weeks at once! My intention for this week was to mindfully prepare but also not just be about preparation–I wanted to enjoy the week I was actually in.
Some of the time I was able to fulfill that intention–other times not so much.
The Hard:
A pipe burst last Saturday afternoon–even though we did all the right things like running our faucets etc. No water for about 16 hours. A breath for surprises of the not-fun kind.
No one came to the after school activity at the Teen Center that I had organized and put a lot of time into. A breath for disappointment (and also a hint of relief).
The perception of having a monsternumber of things to do before leaving for vacation. A breath for overwhelm.
The week just seemed to go on long after I was ready for it to be over. A breath for anticipation and impatience.
Good:
A plumber was able to come out early Sunday morning and fix the pipe! A breath for helpfulness–and also for the advantages of being a renter rather than a homeowner.
A coworker of mine suggested that my activity might be a great thing to repurpose for our planned homeschool outreach. A breath to receive encouragement and kindness.
A great interaction with a teen who has just started coming to the Teen Center. A breath for geekery–and for It Gets Better.
I made use of my new membership at a coworking space to do some extended journaling & get the monsternumber of Pre-Voyage Ops out of my head and onto a list. A breath for the spare beauty and focus of my new Third Place and for a new understanding of the Mission and its Ops!
A surprise visit from L while I was working the desk. I knew she worked close by–but I didn’t realize _how_ close! We’re always talking about getting together but now I think we’ll really do it. A breath for surprises–the fun kind–and for connection and love.
The start of my very first Voyage with the Triple S Society aka the Swoop! A breath for excitement and getting to play.
Cheers to the Chickeneers!
So excited for you, Havi – !! Lately, Life keeps showing me examples of hope and inspiration and your Operation True Yes is one of those clues. Also excited for me/all of us here that you’ll continue to chicken-wish while during your adventures.
CHICKEN DANCE
Hello Chicken!
Currently the Festival of the Happy Snowman is underway, and the Unveiling of the Sublime Star Stone is transpiring, and the world is full of smooth smooth smoothness because I declare it to be so.
Tangles?
+The Mothership arrived and brought the Comfy Chair. (NOOOO!! Not the Comfy Chair!!!!) OHMYGOD. A breath for the Comfy Chair. A breath for the me who knows not to sit in the Comfy Chair. A breath for the me who sits in it anyway. A breath for the ship. A breath for the chair. A breath for the negative space (Negative Space!).
+Still mourning the death of Red Curry Noodles. Accepting and grieving. All okay. A breath for the Noodles. A breath for the me who thought the Noodles would live forever and go with me through the Chocolate Door. A breath for the me who is still here picking up the pieces.
+Still a lot of eyerolling and sadness because of the Rogue Agent disaster. A breath for me and my sovereignty as this scenario does whatever it’s going to do. A breath for the me who knows I am okay no matter how it plays out. A breath for the sadness. A breath for the eyerolling. A breath for the okayness being okay.
+A breath for the 4head. Yes.
+A breath for the Rogue Drummer. A breath for the Clue. A breath for the Pattern. A breath for the me who held their own rhythm. Yes yes yes, yes yes.
+A breath for the BoW. Breathing for all parts of the BoW. Unconditional love for all parts of the BoW.
Donuts!
+SWOOOOOOOOOHOOOOHOOOHOOOP!!!! Breathing full of Qualities and Celebrations and Festivals and Shipmates and Rooms and SPAAAAAACE!!! and YAYing. MM MMMM MMMMM.
+Breathing for my new Popcorn Popper! OOHHH YESSSS.
+Breathing for the Superpower of BUBBLE FILES. OH I AM SO GLAD I HAVE THIS SUPERPOWER AND THAT IT IS ACTIVATED AND OH YES YES YES.
+Breathing for Op: Great iDeer! So good! So good so good! So glad I decided to do this!
+Breathing for the Festival of Happy Snowman! YES! YES! I have been looking forward to this for WEEKS! And here it is! And I am doing it JUST RIGHT!!!!
+Breathing for Team Rabbit [Nano Wondercabin!] I hardly even know these people (most of them) but they’re exactly WHEN I need Rabbitage and the whole setup is just right or at least close enough to just-rightness that I can Team Up with them and Count Snails [write words!!!] with them and OH YES TO THIS A LOT.
+Breathing for the Continuing Revelation of the Silent Retreat Buttered Buns [the epiphany that it is okay to go on silent retreat from myself sometimes!]!!!!
AND: Fake band of the week is…Poo Census! But, you know. Just one poo
Everything about this is exactly what I need! Thank youuuuuuu. I am sending so many hearts and pebbles your way right now for articulating the amazing incredible power of just saying SCREW EVERYTHING, I GIVE UP. Yes.