It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Asking the question “What do I want?”
This was actually the only question I wrote in my journal this week. Every day, on repeat, anywhere between five and twenty times. What do I want. What do I want. What do I want. Got some fantastic intel.
Counting all the things that are not real.
This is almost like a parallel technique to naming things and saying “I am here”. Except in this version I remember the wisdom from yoga philosophy: everything is maya, illusion.
I walked around saying thank you to all the beautiful illusions:
Thank you, sweet illusion of rocks. Thank you, illusion of feet that allow me to stand on rocks. Thank you, illusion of bright red toenails, chipping a little more each day along with the illusion, and thank you, illusion in which I notice this and wonder if I am going to be near civilization anytime soon, thank you illusion of civilization, thank you, (illusion of this) beautiful moment of playing this game of counting illusions.
I’m not sure why this was so incredibly calming and steadying, but it was.
Next time I might…
Have my buffer phrases in hand.
I used to have a list on my phone of buffer phrases so that if I got triggered by a situation or ran into some unsovereign bullshit, I could look up what to do. Things like “that doesn’t work for me” and “I’m going to need to get back to you on that.”
Oh, right! Here’s one that works so well for so many problematic situations:
”Hey, you know what? I am feeling really uncomfortable right now.”
Anyway, time to make a list again. I’m adding some new ones, including “Hey! No food-shaming in the kingdom!” And: “Wow. That is not okay.”
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The mystery of why I question my right to feel upset when someone does something obnoxious. Double-especially when they do it with malicious intent in the interest of boundary-testing. This always makes me think of Straight Man, the Richard Russo novel. There is a character, a not particularly likable character, who has this same flaw. A breath for glowingly healthy boundaries, and for trusting myself.
- Sometimes when something upsetting happens, I kind of go into shock and can’t react. And then while I’m figuring out my own reaction (see above), I make the mistake of looking to others for social cues instead of trusting my own sense of what happened. if no one else reacts, I begin to second-guess my take on things. Also nothing is more frustrating (for me) than a total WTF moment happening, and everyone else reacting like this is normal. Oh, are we not talking about the elephant in the room who just took a dump on my lap or did no one actually see that or does everyone else just think this is okay? A breath for healing all forms of collective cultural gaslighting, and for restoring what needs to be restored.
- I have a page from my journal scribbling that says, “Bless everything by saying ‘thank you for revealing yourself to me’. Joy reminded me this week of Maya Angelou saying this better: “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” Someone showed me who he is (untrustworthy) almost immediately after having met me, and this person will apparently be spending a large portion of the summer with me, and I have feelings about this. Also, in my experience, when someone tests a boundary in a big way right off the bat, that person is a) a toddler, b) an abuser, c) a compulsive liar, or d) someone who never grew up. So that happened and it’s not okay, and let’s have another breath here for boundaries, and for trusting my instincts, and for thank you for revealing yourself to me.
- We all reveal things, all the time, and what I revealed in that situation is that I’m not great at boundaries either. A breath for recognizing when I am agreeing to be an outlet to someone else’s messed-up plug, and for not doing that anymore. Let’s not do that anymore
- Did you ever watch Burn Notice? I am thinking of that part in the opening when Bruce Campbell always says, “You know spies, bunch of bitchy little girls…” Anyway, turns out this apparently describes climbers as well as spies. I am learning a lot about climbing culture on this trip, and there are aspects I admire, and some parts I don’t love, and the one that is going to drive me out of my mind is the gossiping about other climbers who aren’t there. You would not believe the things people say about other people. Things no one would ever say to anyone’s face, or if they would, then that might even be worse. My dislike of gossip is the main reason I don’t spend more time in the dance community, and to suddenly find it here is distressing. A breath for standing up and walking away every time it happens.
- My patience level for food-shaming and disordered eating bullshit, disguised as teasing or not disguised at all, either way: nonexistent. This is apparently a thing in climbing culture too, my traveling companion and I have different theories as to why this is. I don’t actually care. Here’s what I think about this:
We are all sovereign beings who are completely capable of deciding how much or how little or how often we need or wish to be nourished in the form of food, and NO COMMENTARY on this is required or welcome, ever. People vary, and the amount of food they need and want varies, and no one gets to be the judge of what goes into my body because it’s my body and I live there, and they do not live there.
I feel very strongly about this principle, and about the idea that food should be joyful. I don’t want to be around people who don’t know this, I don’t want to breathe the same air as food-shame, it can go up in flames as far as I’m concerned. I do not agree to be around this, which means I will either be setting lots of boundaries this summer or eating alone a lot. A breath for sovereignty, and for my wish for a new external culture that matches the one in my internal kingdom.
- The situation in the building where the Playground lived: still unresolved and still not okay, and I am still waiting for things to move. A breath for sweet hope.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- This week was sweet and easy, I kind of floated through it (until yesterday, when everything from the above list showed up) on a breeze of happy peacefulness. To the point that I even had some hilarious Ludicrous Fear Popcorn that I wouldn’t be able to write the Chicken because what if nothing hard happens. Hahaha, that is a marvelous ludicrous fear. And, no worries, the hard came just in time. A breath for getting to experience this deep ease, and having a taste of what I am like when my life takes place mostly outdoors, and features yoga, naps, long walks and very little work. Delight! .
- My sweet, thoughtful, extremely attractive traveling companion and that way he smiles at me. A breath for meltiness, and for closeness.
- My knee is well again! I went for long walks in the hills every single day, without the brace, and felt great. I got to have yoga in the sun. I balanced on rocks and did secret spirals for an hour straight, most of that on either one leg or the other. A breath for this beautiful miracle.
- The beautiful boy and I had this wonderful shared moment on our evening walk. It suddenly dawned on us that we didn’t actually want to go to Salt Lake City this weekend (we were supposed to take off last night for Reno and then salt lake tomorrow), and we started scrapping our entire plan for the month of May, and then everything began shifting and reconfiguring and falling into place, and — like magic — we instantly had this shiny, new, fun, way-better-in-all-ways plan that both of us were really excited about. A breath for sudden Joy Sparks!
- We then went skipping — skipping! —down the trail, laughing our heads off for half an hour. A breath for being almost forty and also five at the same time .
- I was brave and shared my feelings and said, hey, this is my stuff! A breath for the this.
- I am getting better at standing up for my yes. A breath for this.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Yosemite really is just spectacularly, intensely gorgeous. Holding hands. Blackberry smoothies in the camper. Everything beautifully reconfiguring inside of the matrix. The wonderful people of Twitter all validating my first impression. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for joy, presence, pleasure, Shmita and this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Okay so I had more business ideas this week than in the past three years put together, apparently this is another very funny side effect of being on sabbatical. It was great fun writing them down and then folding them away for future me, should she ever be in the mood to play with them, and if not: no problem. I am not attached to any of this, it’s all creative play, and that feels amazing. More research on Operation Adventures In Reverberation and the Rogue Ops for August! Thank you fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of being a great adventuress!
And the superpower of asking people to remind me of truth. And the superpower of Hilariously Good Surprises.
Powers I want.
Deep Trust In All Is Well, and Of Course I Only Go With Yes.
Also the superpower of Haha Yet Again Something Which Appeared To Be An Obstacle Is In Fact The Opposite of an Obstacle!
The Salve of Of Course I Only Go With Yes.
When I wear this salve, the first thing I notice is that there is no reason to doubt myself.
It’s as if you forgot to pack your doubt to bring to the beach like you always do, and suddenly it turns out you don’t need doubt at the beach and you never have, so now you can just cross that off your beach day packing list forever.
I feel a surge of steadying grace, like a charge. Of course I trust my instinct, of course I trust my indicated next step, of course I trust the pull towards what is right for me.
When I wear this salve, I have the superpower of Taking A Breath before I respond to any request. Is this my yes? And then, if it isn’t, which it probably isn’t, I am unhesitating with my sweet, generous no.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us from Holly (metachaos), and it’s called Shrodinger’s Fuckhead, and it is my new favorite band. They play Pogues-infused zydeco, and it’s actually just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
How Much Room Is There In Her Life For Assholes? There Is Zero Room In Her Life For Assholes. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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What worked this week –
Putting my phone on flight mode on my birthday and not using Facebook – till around 9pm. Actually heard myself in a way I never hear myself.
Also, Not Returning Messages or Calls When I Don’t Want To Even If People Might Expect Me To.
Next time I might –
Well, for my next birthday, I’m definitely doing all of this and I’m probably doing this for actual 24 hours instead of turning my phone back on at 9pm and getting a crazy flow of other people’s energy which I don’t want and definitely don’t need.
The hard –
1. Realizing how much I’ve been soaked up in other people’s energy, or my response to their energy, and that I am actually hidden deep down under all of this stuff. Wanting a lot of quiet. Getting some, but wanting more.
2. Issues and beliefs about stuff that I carry for ten years and still am not sure I have got any closer to solving them.
3. Realizing that I’ve got a LOT to do on the holidays, and that it all takes TIME.
4. Hard volunteering shift yesterday. Thinking that I’m not as good as I hoped to be.
5. Sick again and again for around 3-4 weeks already.
6. This project seemed so cool and fun but I’m not sure how to turn my idea into animation and time is running out and aaaarrrrghhh.
The good:
1. Allowing myself to be really sad about this thing that’s only the issue I struggle with for years and years, and crying, which I haven’t done for a while.
2. Became a bit calmer about [weird relationship which maybe isn’t weird].
3. Italian in DuoLingo! New language, finally.
4. I’ve got a Secret Plan for July.
5. Love being at speaking terms again with best friend. This person’s mere existence calms me down.
6. Getting better at drawing with a graphic pen, which I didn’t think would happen. Actually considerring classical animation over stop motion (a choice I’ll have to make in a year, so there’s still time…)
7. Again, Flight Mode and hearing myself, myself, myself. So good. So need more of this. And need to learn to distinguish between loneliness and calm silence.
8. This is ffrom last week, but a meeting with someone with whom I felt a special connection which was felt but not spoken. Even if nothing actually happened, something happened.
A superpower I had this week:
Speaking only to people I wanted to speak to at the moment!
Superpowers I want:
Turning the world off and listening to me!
Being brave with my ideas and turning them to reality!
My family member who is passing away is still in his process of passing away – in Palliative care, all treatment removed, only pain medication administered, and going onto day 7 of not eating or drinking. He in now unconscious. Those close to him are in waiting mode – a small purgatory like place between life and death, between exhaustion and grief, between acceptance and closure.
And I cannot imagine or fathom what he is experiencing. What sort of waiting mode he is in. How much awareness does he have in his analgesic-induced fog? What does he dream while unconscious?
And how horrible a way to go… or so I speculate. I cannot help but wonder… why… why do we let people die in this way? Why do we deem this way to be the humane way? Why is it that we fear the slippery slope so much that we allow people to slowly, essentially, starve to death. Why can’t this seemingly incredibly aggressive cancer just get on with it already? So many questions, triggering big emotions, with a myriad of answers… or not.
And I find I occasionally slip into that odd hypochondriac blip that happens when faced with death and mortality… where a zit is really, probably, maybe, just a little, massive cancerous tumor growing on one’s forehead… or, ya know, just hormone-driven zits… but still… and then I hear the Kindergarten Cop remind me, “It’s not a too-muh.” And I smile and move on.
And then I realize how weird I could be if I let myself go unchecked… I am thankful for someone to help keep me in line. And thankful for the mundane realities of daily life – intrusive, trivial, annoying, and grounding.
And then I remember how lucky I am… how the Universe has supported and provided for me thus far, in spite of my best efforts to the contrary, at times.
As I sit here and type this, a woman beside me in the coffee shop just said, to her companion, “When I say, ‘Love is my religion,’ people look at me and think ‘weirdo’, but you know… what else is there?”
Thank you.
<3
– o –
What worked? The Russian watch.
What next? Start with more space; give myself more time.
Warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom.
This Week:
The Hard:
1. Very triggering thing happened last week, and despite all last week’s tears, this week there were still more tears to be shed.
2. A lot of the reason, at least lately, that I have such a hard time being around people is I have to watch who I am with people, and this is hard. This week I got the “opportunity” (okay, so yes, it really was an opportunity, just one for which my gratitude is mixed) to see a lot of that up close and magnified and this was painful.
3. I’m craving nature in a way I don’t even understand. I want to spend all day lying on the ground surrounded by trees and flowers and water. Instead I spend almost all day in windowless concrete rooms. This is hard.
4. Wanting to share a thing and not having words. “Yeah, I’m tired because I was out until 3.” “Drinking?” “Well, sacred tea. At church. While chanting. And dancing. For ten hours.” This story, while true, does not send any of the right messages. I want a cover story that encompasses hard work and exhausting and powerful and so very beautiful. Or maybe I want less attachment to everyone knowing what state I’m in and why.
5. Catcalls. Cars following me on my bike. Homeless men blocking my only way down the stairs to ask for money and calling me a cunt when I don’t give them any. And then when I tell [a man] about it I get told I was never in any danger and etc and this is not the response I want.
6. Just a lot of sadness.
The Good:
1. Lying on the ground out in my increasingly gorgeous yard. It’s not enough, but I’m still so grateful.
2. An entire two days with my baby girl to love on her and get caught up on everything and rest and relax and savor.
3. Learning the most interesting things! Phonology! Ritual symbolism! Comparative anatomy! Sometimes you don’t even realize how bored you’ve been until you get to be u bored again.
4. Sweet grounding interactions with people, even when I don’t like myself in them. The mercy of being liked in spite of some ugly habits.
5. I biked 12 miles! It was aMAZing! Exhausting, but still so fun. I’ll work up to making this daily.
Hello, hello, hello chicken!
It is chicken time, hooray.
Mostly I am feeling frustrated and ouchified because my body is being so unbelievably uncooperative for me right now, and I can’t see any other immediate solution to this problem besides just lying in bed and waiting for it to stop. I am wishing HARD for a perfectly simple solution.
Breathing for the tangles.
+This thing, with my body, oh I am breathing for this thing, all the physical and emotional stuff trying to expel itself from my system with no regard for whether that process is happening in a way that’s actually good for us. Breathing for the sadness that it is Like This, and the anger, and the frustration, and the unfairness. Breathing hope for when it’s over.
+Breathing for the Roadblocks, the communications that aren’t happening that I believe need to happen, the radio silence. Breathing for the Mystery of the Tri-Cycle.
+Breathing for the Flower Conundrum. Breathing qualities of smoothness, time warp, possibilities, confidence, clearness. Yes.
+Breathing for the Final Door of Op: Groundswell. Breathing for the Mystery of: why does this not look like I wanted it to look? Breathing for it being exactly what it is. Breathing for it being over.
+Breathing for the Mystery of Redwind. Breathing for how Hard That Got Blown. Breathing forgiveness. Breathing patience. Breathing good answers.
+Breathing for Banana Peels. Big, big SIGH. And some regular breaths.
+Breathing for the Mystery of: why is it so HARD to find {Quality Perambulators}?!? Breathing for how unfair this is. Breathing for the mes who don’t want to keep trying. Breathing for the mes who do. Breathing for the mes who aren’t sure.
+Breathing for Pizza. Oh, Pizza.
Breathing for donuts!
+Breathing for Le Grande Voyage to Chicago next week! EEE!!
+Breathing for sunshine! Oh sunshine, I like you a LOT.
+Breathing for all the fabulous books I’ve been reading and how much fun it is to write reviews about them and share them, YAY!
+Breathing for Spinach Party! Oh man that was fun!
+Breathing for Operation Mobilus. I wonder what this will be like! Breathing for wonder! Breathing for body! Breathing for mind! Breathing for spirit!
+Breathing for Future Me who knows what to do. Yeah! Hi up there! Breathing nourishment and support for this me.
+Breathing for Ladders. Ladders are the best! MMMMmmm, Ladders!
+Breathing for The Rest. Deep, deep breaths. Deep, deep Rest. Mmm. Yes.
And my fake band this week is…the Insomnia Lemons! Yeah! Yay!
Happy Friday and Cluck!!
what worked this week: Sailing (its a proxy). Wanting and desiring, my desires are valid. Lights out early (which made the days of late-nite easier to deal with)
Next time: Listen to my Yes and honor my No.
Hearthugs for Mysteries 1-4 and most definitely 6. And for catcalls.
There were sucks this week, but many of them were Obstacles that Aren’t or, It’s GENIUS it turned out this way!
-generally tired and blah
-green eyes.
-I lost my shit and yelled horribly at my oldest. this is NOT the way we want to be with her, right?
-Operation Neutralizing Agent. there’s plenty of silver lining here, but so much stress, especially wrt Princess Amethyst
And this: I became aware that when talking to the Occultist, I would get swept up in his energy and ideas, and I would start agreeing to things without much agency. I would have to back up later and be like, wait I agreed to this?? Holding the boundaries was hard. It’s always hard for me, but I was taken aback at how quickly I was abdicating. 2 weeks ago, I agreed to [Dearborn] which meant I would have to forgo [San Jose], even though I was balancing out the various nos & yeses. While there was plenty of Yes, it would mean saying No to [San Jose] which is full of Yes for me, and the next day I realized I was saying No to things that I wanted to say Yes to, things that were very important to me, and had been. So it felt like saying No to my desires to say yes to a boy and his plan, (which was a lovely plan, but not a full, unequivocal Yes) which made me feel like I had taken a dive on my own Sovereignty. So it felt less than awesome.
the sparkles:
-moving! I’ve gone to yoga, pilates and Barre over the past few weeks and I love it. I have resistance to gym culture and most of the words associated, but I love going to train
-will be adding dance soon
-True Yes!!
-this year is my 50th birthday and I was having trouble coming up with my True Yes for celebrating it, and worried because I am often sorely disappointed by my birthday if I don’t have a good idea going in of what I want. LOTS of solid intel on this Caper!
-including intel that I wanted to go to the Grateful Dead Shows at Santa Clara (2 tix for Sat and Sun nites). And then stuff happened that put this Caper in jeopardy, and then my Priestess Tribe of Awesome Women hooked me up with tix! A breath for following the True Yes, and the doors that open when you do!
-thanks to the Occultist, I am no longer hanging at the pound, and this is marvelous. This was not my true Yes, and having abandoned this bad behavior, so much energy was released. A breath for I do not have to settle for what I don’t want.
-the end of [X} means more integrity, less dysfunction and dishonesty. a breath for finding True Yes in a basket of ‘this or that’ and ‘kinda/sorta yes.’
-so much Sailing! so many Sailing Ops! Wham boom!
Hello Chicken, and hello Chickeneers!
Hard: driving in the rain, back and forth, looking for a hard-to-find place. GPS kept saying, “your destination is on the right,” when it wasn’t. Then when I finally got there, the place was a disappointment. Maybe I should have taken a closer look at wherever the GPS was trying to take me.
Good: Superpowers! Old clients happy with me, new clients delighted with me. Oodles of singing and playing and writing.
I now invoke the superpower of Fresh, Light, and Enticing — and if that makes me sound like a frozen yogurt, well, so be it! Happy weekend, all…
What worked this week: The Thing I Have Been Most Fearing happened this week and I not only survived it, I did just fine. I didn’t feel invaded or traumatized. I stayed present. I went toward it in my head rather than retreating and approached it with intellectual curiosity. And I was fine.
I scored a big rock-solid free cat structure by acting quickly and offering to pick it up right away. It is now painfully apparent as soon as you walk in that we live in a house filled with Cat People. We are beside ourselves with joy.
I continued to visit the pool five days a week and I rode my bike two days in a row for the first time in almost a year. My knees have mixed feelings but I am being gentle and slow and forgiving at every opportunity.
What has been hard:
Doing something every day is the absolute hardest thing, next to doing something at a particular time with other people every day, and yet I did something good for my knees every single day this week.
I am completely uninspired to do anything today and yesterday. I don’t know why, but my plan is to just wait it out and see what happens.
My computer is slowing down, and it’s likely because I loaded it up with a bunch of crap I don’t really need. Troubleshooting WHICH unneeded crap is causing the problem may have something to do with My Complete Lack of Motivation and Inspiration.
I guess I volunteered (or was volunteered) to do a very technical project on Sunday, one that would have been easy five or six years ago but may not be now that the drivers for the equipment I need to use may be hopelessly out of date and no longer supported by the company. I am feeling pressure to make this work, NO MATTER WHAT, which is also probably contributing to MCLoMaI (see above)
The Good: The bike rides were heavenly. I love the creek next to the bike path, and Eugene pulls out all the stops this time of year. Camas, cherry blossoms,hyacinths, tulips, duck eggs, frogs, turtles and mourning doves wave hello every where you go.
My Beloved is fixing dinner. Yay.
The dog, who was told he only had weeks to live, is still alive six months later and although he is crazy as batshit after dark, he is still with us and we are very very happy about it.
Superpowers I had this week:
The power to persevere
The power to detach
Superpowers I wish for:
I wish for the power to de-clutter and clean effortlessly and to easily let go of anything that isn’t bringing me joy.
Also the power to laugh at “helpful” criticism thrown at me by well-meaning friends, while we shop for strawberries at the Master Gardener plant sale tomorrow.
Hugs to everyone — for the hard and for the good and joyful.
Hard things in my week: Only two things, really, plus a minor blip to annoy me.
1. Travel documents for a trip from May 3 to May 17 came in the mail and there’s no mention of important things like facilities for wheelchair users. They seem to expect us to rent a car and if I read it right, that will be expensive, and there are complications involving where we pick up the “welcome packet”. I will have to make phone calls about that.
I am not feeling good about this trip because of this.
2. A visit to the neurologist frustrated me. According to the nurse practitioner, MrB is fine. But there has been a lot of dropping of the ball and passing of the buck regarding information, where I have stated very clearly, with examples, what is needed and what form it needs to take, and there’s a lot of shrugging of shoulders, shaking of heads, and placatory voices but nothing forthcoming.
The clinic works closely with the medical school but *this* office, which diagnosed and prescribed for my husband’s Alzheimer’s Disease, doesn’t know a thing about the program at the medical school, that evaluates and treats Alzheimer’s Disease. In a building two blocks away. Mentioned recently in the newspaper. More than once. I expect better. I want better, for myself and for my husband. And when I said that on the phone, there was more placatory words and excuse-making.
Finally, the annoyance: A friend who is studying Spanish with me was rude I let it go rather than argue during class but I can’t let it keep happening.
And now the good joyful positive fun things! I note that is is so much easier to be succinct about these than about the hard things in my week.
MrB had a healed wound on his leg that reappeared after six weeks; our family doctor cultured the wound — no pathogens were found — and made a referral to the wound clinic (again). I told MrB that we need to take a box of candy or pizza or something to the wound clinic staff.
MrB and I made an EEP plan, and did most of the things! We were playful and we had fun.
We spent a couple of hours with our friend B.
We went to see my mom on her birthday. We sat outside on their lovely porch and it was just nice.
I bought myself flowers and then someone gave me more flowers, masses of flowers, and I shared them with Mom.
The weather has been delightful and I have been out in it.
Cheers to the chickeneers.
Adding: the frustration of timing. Until all six of us are screened and a kidney donor is selected and the surgery date is set, no one can make plans for the summer. My sister in particular needs to be able to make plans; we want her going into surgery with as much joyful experience as can be managed, and with lots to look forward to.
Ahh! I am so glad I got to be part of the chicken! ^__^
While the chicken was winding down, I had a thought. I have grown so much in the last few years, and yet there is always so much more hard. Sometimes it feels like there has been no progress at all, but when I look back, I can see where I have grown.
And then I thought, it all comes back to practice. It might look to me like I haven’t grown, because I have practiced, and at first that was hard, but then it became everyday. Once it becomes everyday, it is very easy to forget where you came from and the hard thing that you defeated.
So I have fought and I have practiced and I have won. There may always be more hard, but I need to remember I can win. When I practice, I win.
The Hard:
Too many appointments this week left me drained.
Still waiting too long to pull the trigger on things that will make life so much better. A breath for all timing is right timing.
Uncertain about the Boy and whether is crush or more.
The Good:
Teeth fixed. Spaces gone. Suddenly liking my smile again and amazed at how fast it was done.
Wonderful new clients and old clients.
Blue sky and time to walk.
Namaste Havi & all the Chickeners! This week’s Fake Band and Biographies made me laugh out loud :-). I too have had cause to question how much room there is in my life for members of the climbing community in the past… And I want to thank you for reminding me about the buffer phrases. I used to have these on a beautiful green post-it beside my landline phone, but the post it disappeared when I moved house in Feb. I think I will re-make it. One of the phrases was, “Ooooh, FOOD POLICE”. Zero time for them either.
Love light & happiness for the week ahead! <3 <3
Oh, that’s a good one! Adding that one to my list.
So much love for this post!
Buffer phrases! I am adopting them and loving them.
Commenting on other people’s eating is not okay. Can that please be added to the Bill of Rights?
And Zero Room for Assholes. so much yes.
What worked and what was hard this week were the same thing for me: realizing (with wonderful help from my wonderful therapist) that my fear/convincedness that I don’t exist come from a complete lack of gender models and that’s *bullshit* because don’t I completely believe that we get to create our own models?
There’s a lot to unpack there and I’m not sure where to go next with it, but I think I need to play with it.
Pebbles and good wishes to all right now.
Buffer phrases! That’s wonderful and I need to adopt some!
thank you deep dear havi. this site is my go to to feel myself again and again. there is a language spoken here throughout the posts and comments that nourish and soothe me and remind me of so many things i need reminding of that i didn’t even know i needed reminded of. little whispers of my soul sent out in questions, queries, that are written as little love notes back. thank you.
i am sitting in a cafe in new orleans. we are travelling ‘cross country (from no. california) for my sweetheart’s dad’s surgery in nyc in may. so grateful to be in amazingly amazing rich soul of new orleans. i love this citi like a long lost french monastic/sex healthy artistic highly musical old soul friend from another time. there is an ease that lights upon my body, my heart when i am here. like i can breathe a little easier. a compatibility of sorts, i s’pose.
i have not yet written as i have felt overwhelmed by wishing to express so much, to express it all in a really true to myself way, in a really good way. when i get overwhelmed i tend to just not do something. this is a little breakthrough for me to share myself…my real thoughts and feelings.
this is my very big thing lately. what do I really think? what do I really feel? what is MY sense of whatever it is in question? uncovering my real me. i know she is here.under piles of rubble of deep conditioning from this life and others. my big work is letting go of the good girl. the girl/womban who does everything so she won’t go to hell. i am a recovering people pleaser. feeling deeper, through the conditioned responses. feeling. asking. taking a moment to feel a little deeper. a pause. to feel into my buried girls’ heart. i am now beginning to know to listen. i am now beginning to hear. her. me.
Recovering people-pleasers unite <3
<3