Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 390th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Starting the day with me-first!
No matter how hard a day is, if I can look back at the end of it and remember that I did something beautiful for me, I feel better about things.
Starting each day with a wonderful-something for me instead of neglecting it or letting it hang out at the bottom of the ever-lengthening list, or using it as a treat when feeling miserable. This was really good for me.
Other things that worked this week: remembering that treatments for me need to be on the emotional level, western and eastern medicine will do nothing for my sore throat until I figure out what I’m upset about. People vary, and that’s how I vary, and it is so easy to forget this.
Next time I might…
Avoid the internet.
Not sure why I forget that the only consistently safe space I know about online is here. Clicking rarely leads to good. For me.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of En Route to Bravery, and here were the days:
Colliding wish magic. Boundaries engage. Restoring quiet order. Wild borders. All my powers land. I am a power tool. More powerful than I think!
Huh. Apparently bravery is related to quiet, boundaries, and standing in my power. Good clues, days of the week!
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Can I Click It. And If So, Ought I To.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Mysterious illness knocked me out Saturday night and kept me in bed until Wednesday afternoon. A breath for recovery.
- Mysterious illness was set off by (or at least tied up with) BOUNDARY ISSUES, of which there were many. Lots of big processing of pain, rage, grief, despair. A breath for the process being the process.
- Coughing up gunk, short of breath. It’s painful. A breath for sweet healing.
- When you have time, read this very powerful piece of reportage about the lawyer who took on Dupont. Warning: if you are anything like me, you may cry a lot. Well-researched and important. And also, what is this world that we live in, how can people be so deliberately short-sighted about the consequences of their actions. What have we done. A breath for clear seeing.
- The surprising-to-me discovery that just about everyone I know is devastated over the death of David Bowie, and apparently I’m the only one in my world of friends who sees differently. I see someone who got the world (and maybe himself) to fall for his magical sparkle alien performance, whose intense charisma, talent and external beauty were inexplicably enough for people to erase-and-excuse his predatory actions. I am going to stop talking about this now because people have big feelings about it. I wish I could be as gentle and magnanimous as Sam Dylan Finch, who said this: “I am committed to holding space for the queer kids and the weird kids who needed someone as visible as David Bowie to embody a kind of liberation from prescribed gender norms that, otherwise, would have slowly killed them. But I am just as committed to holding space for survivors of rape and abuse for whom David Bowie represents an insidious epidemic of rape culture and rape apologism, the kind of epidemic that has thwarted justice and closure for far too many. […] I’m not celebrating or mourning today. I’m just sitting with the uncomfortable truth that, good god, is humanity just a clusterfuck of contradictions, a heartbreaking mess.” Beautifully said. I think for me I’ve known too many powerful charismatic abusers, and seen them idolized by the people who didn’t know how they really were and sometimes also by the people who did, and the disconnect is too much for me. All I see is how dangerous and wildly unsovereign it is to put anyone on a pedestal. I’m very glad someone else could frame this in a more neutral way, which I imagine is infinitely more helpful than anything I could say on this topic from my bitterness. So, with acknowledgement that probably for many people reading this, Bowie’s death was a painful loss-filled part of this week and I truly am sorry for that loss, the hard of my week was not only experiencing big, complicated, not-fun feelings but a great loneliness in realizing that my perspective is so different than that of the people I love, a very isolating moment. Anyway, here’s to all the superpowers of androgyny, challenging prescriptive gender bullshit, transformative garments, and to the what’s truly important in life: Safety, Sovereignty, Everyone Is Equal. A breath for big healing in the world.
- So many things that had been yes are now no, and dealing with the fallout of that. And not sure yet what the new yes is, or what form it might take. A breath for all things change, and for being intentional about building that knowledge into the infrastructure of everything I do.
- Still having so much trouble with these new dance drills. Wax on, wax off. Try again. A breath for trust that one day it will land in my body and make sense and I will be delighted.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- While I was too sick to leave the house, I was not too sick to slowly put myself through the paces with my dance drills, and while doing so had a massive epiphany that is hard to explain, because it is a known phenomenon that epiphanies all sound stupid and obvious when we try to put them into words, but the idea was basically something like this: “If I engage what Esther Gokhale calls the inner corset muscles, this is what that teacher from New Zealand meant when she talked about imagining a glowing orb in my heart and contracting around it to protect it while still standing tall, and OHMYGOD OF COURSE, the more I protect my glow and my glow-source, the more I can glow! And then, from that, the more I glow, the more protected I am, because now the orb and the protective case/cloak are in harmonious relationship, so they support each other.” A breath for how unbelievably happy I was when I understood this, and for the life practice of Glow More. I love when dance training shines a light on exactly what I need in my life.
- My favorite person is in town, earlier than anticipated and staying longer than planned. Did we not just recently invoke the superpower of receptive to incoming good surprises? Yes, on the December calendar. Thank you for that. A breath for glowing smiles and humming happy heart.
- Did all the hard, brave things this week, even though they scared me. Initiated difficult conversations. Looked at things I didn’t want to see. Investigated cobweb-covered territories in my life and business, and examined things that I have neglected. Received tough decisions. Filled out a bunch of ridiculous forms (not a proxy). A breath for this toughness, and for being en route to bravery.
- I have been wishing hard for the just-right-for-me sweater, and not finding it, and being convinced that what I want is an impossible holy grail, and then a wonderful friend gave me the perfect sweater, which he had made for himself and didn’t fit and was looking for the right person to fall in love with the sweater, and we were both so delighted with how this worked out. A breath for Colliding Wish Magic, and how great that is, and how sometimes an impossible quest can turn out to be ridiculously simple.
- Feeling weirdly calm and at ease about everything. Didn’t even mind being sick, and I usually hate being sick. A breath for how good this feels to not be fighting anything.
- Dance training at home, every day, putting in the time, feeling things change. A breath of presence.
- Heart full of love. A breath of joy.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of spicy mushroom salad, playing on the balance board, advanced levels of snuggling. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
Still obsessing over the Wild Montage op. Made some behind-the-scenes progress on The Namer Names and The Studio Op, and the first baby step towards relaunching the Fountaining op. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the power of fierce wild panther grace, and it is here, at least in my dance practice. Now to apply it to everything else, please! I also had the power of Wonderfully Unfazed.
Powers I want.
I want the powers of Easy Clarity, Colliding Wish Magic Everywhere, and I Glow So Hard.
The Salve of Protected Glowing, of course….
This salve makes navigating our way in the world (outside world and internal worlds) so much easier, like a force field and a safety cloak and a light source all at once. As it touches your skin, you begin to feel radiant and powerful and steady. It brings this clear, easy grace to things.
It has a bit of a spicy kick, as its properties release into the bloodstream and begin to mix and reconfigure beautifully inside of you, like a wonderfully orchestrated internal dance:
Strength. Radiance. Ease. Sweetness. Grounding. Wonder. Shine. Protection.
This salve straight up works miracles, and I am going to apply some right now.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
Muppet Dance
Their latest album is What The Hell Just Come To The Wedding, and it turns out this band is just one guy.
TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS!
We are doing some reconfiguring and Congruencing, and the shop will disappear soon, so if there was something you wanted to buy, go ahead and do that before it’s gone. More explanations about [reasons] to come, but it’s all good stuff, and if something is speaking to you, this is a good time.
Also! We sold out of all the Playground Care Packages, but I was able to put together one more box! The theme is Joyful Play, it’s $25 plus shipping, contact the First Mate if you want it.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
The hard:
– the nightmare about the room being wrong, with bonus flailing and screaming ‘no no no no’ and knocking stuff off the chest of drawers
– the room continuing to be wrong when I woke up
– it’s still dark in the mornings
The good:
– Superpower of Remarkably Easy is in full force. ISBNs arrived early. Got the proofreading done in a week
– trees have been trimmed back. So much light!
– cake with Kat
– the days are getting lighter. I can see things changing.
Also, I found my Vaccai! Yay singing!
I love the salve. I’ve already begun absorbing it.
Hard stuff this week: facing the inowannas. Being with someone who can’t seem to help himself; struggling to stay in my own field and keep my crown on. Also, sneak attacks from the monster of You Aren’t Perfect Therefore You Suck.
Good stuff: the usual suspects: singing, playing, writing, loving and being loved. I have also been appreciating the Secret Sword Society. Oh, and I am also taking a moment right now to appreciate what I’m wearing, the deep blue poet’s shirt and the flowing aqua skirt, the handcrafted clay pendant on the silver chain. These things matter, and taking the time to give these things to myself matters even more.
I like this superpower of Everything Is Secretly Easy that I’ve been exploring. I think I’ll stay with it for a while.
I am lighting my candle, and sending love… <3
The Hard:
Realizing that your friends see you as different and therefore when they think “I have this gentleman to introduce to someone” they do not think of you because they think you like people exactly like yourself which couldn’t be true because you love your friends and they are not the same as you. Feeling like they don’t know you and can’t see you which is the loneliest feeling.
During the discussion of “types” (which you don’t have) having a man friend say to you “you are a tough type” (which you don’t even know what that means) and then saying the horribly patronizing “don’t worry about finding things like that” (love, companionship etc)
Having your friend say “you should put all your yoga pictures on your ‘dating websites'” which is essentially saying “you are not enough. your personality and presence and general prettiness isn’t enough. you need to show them that you can contort yourself and then someone will like you.”
Wanting to take refuge in things that are not refuge.
The Good:
The news that your friend’s husband is not sick after all. And seeing her finally cry with relief and love and feeling blessed to be in the presence of that. And being very glad that he is not sick.
Remembering to go to the bathroom when people are being ignorant and you forget to not respond but then you do but then you remember to excuse yourself and do deep breathing and then come back when they have moved on.
Remembering true refuge.
oh, heartsigh for the loneliest feeling of not being seen… I had a lot of that this week, too
Oh, seagirl. what a tender sharing, thank you. I see you and feel your wholeness.
some pebbles to arrange into a heart: o o o o o o o o o o o o o
or to skip into a lake…
I’m continuing to go through piles, boxes & bags of items in my studio to decide what to keep. In some cases, items have accompanied me through not just years of life, but multiple moves. And much of them turn out to… no longer fit the life that brings joy. I’ve been releasing all such.
Just a few years ago, the idea of spending hours a day, maybe even hours every day, in my studio was terrifying. {I’m not sure why.} Now that I’m doing it, it’s a bedrock I didn’t realize *could* exist. Growing, changing, and loving the process.
Mmmmmm hand-on-heart sigh for this and how beautiful it is, yes yes yes yes yes to all of it. Congruencing magic!
An oh very yes to Finch’s “I’m just sitting with the uncomfortable truth that, good god, is humanity just a clusterfuck of contradictions, a heartbreaking mess.” Which applies to so much else of this week that I cannot talk about.
What worked? Reading aloud. Taking much more time and care with the drawing of lines.
Next time? Less attempting to explain/converse/appease. I get cut off and it gooses the already overactive your-efforts-aren’t-appreciated monsters.
Hard, exasperating, etc.:
* Bumps and cracks and the not-yet-solved smell of things rotting.
* Toilet again acting up.
* The worst-case scenario for a car that needed to be moved was not in fact the worst. Grrr.
* I get that other people don’t get as wound up about additional/unnecessary expenses and fees as I do, seeing them as small change in the great wash of getting things done with a minimum of stress, but it still sends my cortisol levels through the roof and the you’re-being-insufficiently-responsible and your-luck-will-not-hold-grasshopper monsters into mega-polka mode.
* Objectively, I’m totally ok with not getting solos. But Pageant Winner Me has to repeatedly come to terms with the reality.
* Rejection slip. Not a surprise, but still a bruise.
* Doggie health scare two nights ago. Eeep.
* Zero spoons for correspondence or insulation or many other things I would feel better about were they addressed.
Good, reassuring, giggle-making, etc.:
* Now is not then. It is not 2008-9 or, really, any year before 2002.
* Speedy reimbursement.
* Debugged the iguanaphant and pushed it outta my door!
* Astounding results from the B-guys on my fantasy tennis team. Didn’t expect both Troicki and Bautista-Agut to win titles.
* Reading a lovely Wimsey + Rivers of London crossover fic.
* Progress on [c]
* Things being in good-enough places that I’m feeling OK about not checking my day job e-mail until Tuesday.
* On my kitchen counter, there’s a cookbook by a Korean American chef whose restaurant is in Louisville. 2010s South is not 1970s South. I am so happy about this.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
mega polka mode! I know it well. <3 <3 <3
I <3 Muppet Dance.
Superpowers I had this week! Remembering to Breathe. Remembering Wherever I’m At is Legitimate.
Next time I might…not go to the party.
Frustrating:
*Sticking myself with Big Task, and then in the middle, remembering everything takes 4x as long as I think… and the only way through is forward. Or is it? Hmm…
*Tension accumulating in shoulders
*Loved one in distress, not knowing how to help.
*Not knowing whether my beliefs about X are realistic, and no spoons to spend on investigation
Comforting:
*Yes, the only way through is forward…but maybe I could use some Salve of Protected Glowing to brighten things up.
*Cuddles
*Tea
*Seeing progress & good change in a lot of places
But at this moment, I’m feeling pretty pouty, so I’m going to let myself pout. :[
<3
<3
Thanks for reminding me that it's okay to not know what the new yes is yet. I still have to ride out the big no for one more week yet. Perhaps I need for that to be behind me before I can start thinking about what the new yes will be.
And that's okay. All timing is right timing.
I read “beautifully said” “as “beautifully sad”. It resonated, or maybe it more kind of screeched, an off-note. Waiting for intel on how I feel about beauty and sadness. Of course there are things both beautiful as sad, but is sadness itself beautiful to me? Why? Is it some attention-seeking monster tactic – “come look at how beautifully sad Zuzana is, a tragic hero, a poor victim”? Is it a thing I do to get comfort or compassion from other people? A woe-is-me performace? Do I hide behind sadness, do I take comfort in it because it’s so familiar? This is very uncomfortable and it seems important.
Hard:
– being misunderstood
– loneliness. all the complex patterns I have about friendship and love-ship. and rejection.
– leveling-up of my game in many ways = so much intensity, which leads to extreme levels of fear and exhaustion
Good:
– trying. surprising myself. creativity. shaking things up. leveled-upness and bravery and hope. fortitude. security.
– cheesy jokes
– peanut butter
– the gym
This question about beauty and sadness strikes a chord, thank you for asking it in that way! I am going to investigate too.
It was indeed a week of Very Mixed Feelings, with the great joy of starting a new semester of exciting work (because exciting new students are excited to start their semester! and now it’s the time of ideas and shining eyes – then comes the pain of data analysis) but also the difficulty of recovering from the Great Flu of 2016. Cough is not a friendly companion.
I also did a great deal of thinking not so much about the death of DB (so much chaos inside of my head) but rather (maybe selfishly) about tiny teen me, her discovery of queerdom and what she would think of who I have become. I felt so much tenderness, and so much yes to letting go.
It is the year of Brave after all.
The Painfully Grim:
~ One Illness
~ Another Illness
~ Tiny I Curse (related to the one illness, why of course)
The Magical:
~ laughingly welcoming Shame, Insecurity and Aloneness to come in, take a seat (even whilst wondering about the company I keep)
~ being the Keeper of Secrets; honoured and humbled, as always (“Here, I will hold your precious, tiny (and gargantuan) secret and keep it safe for you, even while you find it so hard to hold–and you can have it back when (if) you’re ready to hold it–and yes, never is okay”)
~ shredding (shredding!!) – who knew it could be so carthatic *sighs happily*
~ even though too sick to leave the house, I pulled out a cupboard’s contents for more carthatic cleansing (mmm, letting go)
That salve is magical and beautiful! Applying it as we speak. 🙂
Superpower I had this week: I Know How I Want To Feel
Superpower I want: Knowing In My Bones That I Am Loved
Hard things:
– THYMID going to Spain with his other partner; this is hard because I will miss him, but also because I really want HOP to be a friend of mine and we’ve never achieved closeness, and somehow this combination arouses all sorts of romantic jealousy that I’m not used to feeling. A big big big breath for trying to remember that Now Is Not Then.
– That Endless To-Do list is a thing and I’ve been pretty good at remembering that that’s OK and doing things at my own pace, but I still have to remind myself that not doing everything is OK.
Good things:
– The most delightful birthday party last night; delicious food; great conversation; wonderful beer; spontaneous hangout with complete strangers; impressing two of them with the fact that my Actual Legal Name is Robin Goodfellow (good for the ego, which I enjoy stroking)
– My Tidying Coach (not a proxy) suggested a new, more free-form method for our tidying/decluttering/clearing process and I *love it*. As soon as I read her suggestion it rang all sorts of beautiful bells inside me. I spent some time thinking about how I want to feel and it was… magical.
-It’s snowing as we speak! I love snow! I’ve been aching for it all through this too-warm “winter”.
Big warm floofy blanket hugs for all who want those. <3
Floofiness! *glows thanks at you*
THYMID, HOP and Robin Goodfellow!!!!!! It should be a cartoon! (or a fake band? they perform at children’s birthday parties and probably also do puppet theatre and/or balloon animals.)
And I love love love both your superpowers!
Hee! Thanks!
I approve of the Fake Band idea. Our first album will be Spain Is a State of Mind and the soloist will be a talking Giraffe!
What’s been working?
+Keeping the Switch Flipped (flipping the light fantastic?! :D)
+[More Works Less Jerks]
+[top secret name]
+Delight Book!
+Operation Toll Car
+Pegasus Blue (finally!)
+Coconut Wanderings (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=indERcOlIws)
Next time I might…
+chill out on my feet BEFORE i’m injured, not AFTER. 😛
+implement 4KST:RNBWZ expansion pack
+create the container for Op:RockSteady so it will be there when i need it
I love the idea of naming the days. Next time I might try that, too. OR I might stick with the thing I already do which is to color the days. 🙂
Breathing for the tangles, the mysteries, the enigmas.
+Breathing for The Mystery of the Sprained Toe. What has happened here? Why does it hurt so much? How can I make it stop? How can I prevent it from happening again? It is a great mystery.
+Breathing for The Mystery of the Giant Man Costume. Whose costume is this? Who is supposed to wear it? What is my costume? Why are there costumes? Why THESE costumes? Why do we need costumes for THIS? What do I need to know about {Costumes} in general and {Giant Man Costumes} in particular? What is my next move, and what costume am I wearing when I make it?
+Breathing for The Mystery of the T-Rex. Why is it like this? Why does it have so many teeth? Why are its arms so short? Why doesn’t it understand my very clear instructions? Why why why why?
+Breathing for The Mystery of the Double Snooz. Why are there two of you? Why do you happen when you do? Why so snooziful? What is my snoozasaurus trying to tell me? Is there another way that I could receive this information? Is there another way that I could address this need?
+Breathing for The Mystery of the Carpet Pullers. Are you coming? Are you retired? Are you lurking? I can’t see you but I feel like you might be there and I want to be ready if you are, but I don’t want to put energy into being ready if you aren’t.
+Breathing for The Mystery of Sparkle Alien, about which it sounds like Agent Bell shares my perspective, for which I am relieved and grateful. Breathing for the super duper power boundaries I have had to have about talking about this with anyone or responding to anyone saying anything about it or addressing any assumptions anyone is making about how I feel about it or listening to the radio while operating heavy machinery 😛
+Breathing for The Mystery of Light/Dark. What is this? Is it real? What do I do about it?
+Breathing for The Mystery of Lezgo and Wachooo, which I haven’t figured out yet, because HELLO! mystery. Breathing for the unknowing. This is okay, to not know. Time is an illusion. Monsters are receiving comfort and playtime.
Breathing for the donuts, the delights, the sparkling rainbows!
+Breathing for Op: Rock Steady. FUCK. YEAH. I can hardly contain my excitement. I want to go back in time and un-tell all the people I told about it already so I can tell them AGAIN. I’m SO EXCITED.
+Breathing for Unicorn Violet and the brilliant insight ze channeled today with Pegasus Blue about the synergy of {SINGING} and {POWER}.
+Breathing for the Exit Sequence Concerto for Agent Pterodactyl. How ‘bout that? You get your own awesome theme song and a super graceful exit. SWEET.
+Breathing for the Warm Setting on the M’Ship. Breathing for it now, and now, and now.
+Breathing for the Wonderful Wandering and the Wanderful Wondering. 🙂
+Breathing for the Rainbow Mountain Flirtations. Nice to see you! Nice to wiggle away! Entering and Exiting with sovereignty and batted eyelashes. Yes, yes, yes.
+Breathing for the Wishes, the Beautiful Beautiful Wishes. Yes yes yes yes yes.
Up, up, and away!
Lots of forward motion on Op: Rock Steady. ALL THE SPARKLEPOINTS. Exploding with enthusiasm. The Agent is Rocking Steady!
Sitting contentedly with the wobblysmooth temporal flow with Rainbow Q. It is as it is. We are as we are. I am as I am.
Pleased to report that things seem to be going really well with Pegasus Blue. I was worried about this, and I addressed what I was worried about instead of letting it fester, and that was definitely the right move. Yay me!
Continuing to play with Op: Toll Car and Op: Yum Mag Knees. The Vessel seems pleased so far!
Superpowers!
+Superpower of I Totally Got This
+Superpower of Right Words Right Silence
+Superpower of Rock Steady Rock Steady
+Superpower of Twinkle Twinkle
I love this spicy Protected Glowing salve. I am soaking it right in. Yum.
And today we’re excited to introduce our newest fake band of the week: Spoon Fairy! They are currently promoting their debut album, Human Poptart.
——-> flipping the light fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh. Had no idea about that part of David Bowie’s life. Disturbing and disappointing.
Hard from my week:
– Feeling small
– Triggered into old stuff
– Withdrawing from loved ones
– Not seeing the path out of the funk
– Wanting to sleep, not work
Good from this week:
– Crisp, cold pickles
– Hot baths
– Nice blends
– Thick socks
– Car gratitude
PICKLES <3
I didn’t know that about David Bowie, or Alice Cooper, or Mick Jagger, or any of them. I read about music. About musicians. I hadn’t read these things before.
I have been raped and sexually assaulted several times, first time when I was 5, and even so, every time I hear women share their stories of rape and assault I think “it’s so weird that those things never happen to me, wouldn’t they be happening to me if it was so common” for a long while until I remember that oh yeah, they have totally happened to me.
It isn’t all that strange that men can say “what?! is this really happening” because so many of us are doing such a splendid job of pretending it’s not happening.
Fuck, the level of rigging.
Thank you Havi for mentioning this.