A few months ago, at Rally (Rally!), Agent Em Dee shared with me a very Rally-esque mini-epiphany she’d had while conducting.
It had to do with a tray, that is the part I remember most clearly, and it went something like this:
“I suddenly realized that while I hate making choices (stress! decisions! what if I choose wrong?), I like them in the form of ‘have a choice!’. Like: Here, have a cookie. And then you can take a cookie or not take a cookie, or choose which cookie you like, from the tray.
So I need to stop looking at my to-do list and thinking, oh crap which thing should I do first. It’s more like a waiter coming by with a tray. There is an assortment of things being offered to me — have a something! — and all I have to do see which one I feel like reaching for now.”
What do I want on my tray?
I have noticed that I often try to put ALL POSSIBLE SNACK-FOODS IN EXISTENCE on the tray.
Until it is too heavy to carry, and then I get overwhelmed and cry.
I also am aware of my tendency to vastly overestimate my capacity for doing, while grossly underestimating the amount of time it takes me to devote myself to the experience of tasting something and enjoying it.
[Or if the tray has magazines, it takes me longer to read one than I think it will…]
I like having possibilities.
I also have monster-expectations that I should be able to do all the things, as well as simultaneous monster-fears that I won’t be able to do any of them.
That’s why setting up the tray is so helpful.
It brings the focus back to the real question:
What do I want to work on or play with right now?
And it presses pause on the old pattern of Overwhelmed By All The Things.
The piece about choice.
[Monsters: “Ugh, illusion of choice! And also, these things HAVE TO BE DONE, you don’t have a choice about them. So they are not at all like cookies. AND you are wasting your time with this tray-organizing bullshit when actually you should be DOING ALL THE THINGS THAT HAVE TO BE DONE and YOU ARE BEHIND and if you don’t do them there will be DOOM.”]
Okay, so there is much monsterizing. And at the same time, I know that Perpetually Behind is a story I use to feel bad about myself, and that this is also a choice. I don’t need to put that story on the tray of options.
I also know that I feel better when I choose something out of desire rather than out of fear.
And I know that despite all my (and my monster’s) best intentions, I will not be able to do all the things. Only some of them.
So I might as well find ways to have less pain around the process of choosing.
These are some things I know about myself.
These might not be true for you, because People Vary.
I find it useful to have information about the size of tray I like, how many possibilities I like to choose from, things like that. I take notes on what works and what doesn’t work, and put them in the Book of Havi.
And maybe on some days the tray won’t work at all, and I’ll need an entirely new metaphor.
It’s a ongoing process of practicing and observing, running ongoing experiments with the internal scientists.
It’s gathering intel, which is part of self-fluency.
Alright let’s do this. Here’s my tray for today.
These are things I might do. I do not have to do them.
I am going to try to stay as connected as possible to the internal pull of my own desires.
Most of them are in secret agent code, so if you have no idea what I’m talking about, no worries.
Coded names for ops helps me feel playful and lighthearted in my approach to things that maybe have hidden layers in them.
These are just options, possibilities. And yes, some of them have [gah, monsters, scary deadlines!], and at the same time, preparing the tray is helping me be steady and present so that I can get a clean, clear read on what I want.
This is my tray of possibilities…
- Pipe Cleaner: “it’s in the bag, baby”
- The Magic Purple Pill Investigation: writing about this
- Make the drop with the Czech Agent down the hall.
- Operation Close Eyes I: the saving of the last threads and updating R that this is done
- Operation Close Eyes II: goodbye ritual
- Operation Close Eyes III: initial notes about wishes for the Operation Open Eyes, in the form of a secret missive to Agent Em Dee.
- The Eyes/Is Have It. Combo!
- Sparkler Reply
Do I want a clue?
Yes, please.
Okay. Finding a clue.
My tea bag says “be proud of who you are”. Who I am, at the moment at least, is a clue-finder. And someone who is placing beautiful things onto a beautiful tray. I don’t know that I am proud of those things, but why not. It is a start.
Clue: a book called HUG. Yes, that is good.
And the wall at Rally says ALL ABOARD. This is a clue, for me, right now, about making sure that I am bringing all aspects of me into this. I am making safe rooms for the sad, scared parts of me who get overwhelmed by doing.
Where do I want to start?
Well, the most vital thing, the one that absolutely absolutely has to be done today, is Operation Close Eyes I.
I also know that if I don’t make the drop with the Czech Agent, take care of the pipe cleaner and reply to a Sparkler, these things will be poking at me and make it hard to concentrate. Prickly Bits! Plus they do not involve Stuck, at least not that I know of, and they can all — in theory — be taken care of relatively quickly.
And the thing that I would do if nothing else mattered at all would be to investigate the Mystery of the Magic Purple Pills.
So here’s my inclination:
I will set a timer for 22 minutes and see how much I can get done on the three Prickly Bits.
Then I will conduct and give 22 minutes to Operation Close Eyes.
Then I will check in again and see if I have a better sense of what needs to happen from there.
What will help?
Doing things widdershins, and Change Your Place, Change Your Luck.
Pausing to stretch.
Ginger tea. [RGW!] aka Replenishing Glass of Water.
Music. And wearing a wig, of course.
If I get stuck, I will blow bubbles and look for clues in the pattern. Maybe I will ask the waiter to bring in a new tray. Maybe I will be a spy. Maybe I need some flowers.
Let’s do it.
Come play with me in the comments.
This is that incredibly rare thing (online at least) that is safe space to play, and usual commenting principles apply: We are here to play! We remember that people vary! We take care of ourselves. We do not tell anyone what to do or how to feel. We are on permanent vacation from advice-giving and care-taking.
Ways we could play today: You can put things on your tray! Or invent something that is not a tray. Or seed qualities and notice clues. Or play with this in other ways that are up to you. I will update in the comments as things progress….
Love, as always, to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers, and everyone who reads.
I like this! One helpful aspect of the tray, for me, is the reminder that I don’t necessarily need or want to take *all* the spring rolls (clean the whole entire kitchen) at once. I can just take one or two spring rolls (wash the big pan, wipe down the countertops). Then, if that spring roll tastes delicious, maybe I’ll try another, or maybe I’ll have some cheese instead.
I may be back to play more later, as I figure out what’s on my tray today. <3
Destuckification at its best 🙂 thanks, Havi
Somebody gave me another amazing metaphor for this once! I was complaining about how hard it is for me to make choices, and I used the metaphor of “keeping as many doors open as possible”. This friend reflected back to me that while it might look like keeping doors open from my perspective, to someone watching me struggle with it, it looked very different. To my friend, it was like watching someone toss balls at me, and me trying to catch them and juggle them, and refusing to let any of the balls go, even though it was actually impossible for me to hold all of these balls. Whereas if I could just slow down and say “I have enough balls now, thanks! Stop tossing more balls now!” and hold onto even just 2 or 3 balls, I could choose which ball I really want to hold right now, and if I want to come back and get a different ball later, I could do that. But if I keep trying to have EVERY POSSIBLE BALL, I’m so stressed out by all the work I have to do to keep all these balls in motion that I wouldn’t even be able to notice if a really great ball came my way, much less stop and focus on that ball.
Oh wow, it was really helpful to ME to share that story because I needed to remember it!
I love the tray metaphor, too. It fits really well with my stuff. Also snacks. I like snacks.
LOVE!
Co-chickening! YES! (Also, Floop withdrawal! YES!)
Okay, my day is in segments, so let’s break this down.
First part of the segment is being at work. But ugh, work. Gross. *Goes off to metaphor*
Okay, George Central. or G.C. Kind of like a headquarters (HQ) or a refilling station, but only for one particular thing.
So at The G.C., here is what needs to happen.
-Call H.
-Call NBL
-Card swap
-Go to Way station
-Update Captain’s Log
Then I am taking a yoga class, buying dinner (sustenance!) and going to the theatre, where I will do the show.
I am realizing that it is unlikely that I will get to do much more than this, but here are the things on my chicken wishlist for today or even tomorrow morning.
-Finish LS farewell
-Send dossier to a hero
-Review other starship postings and decide where to send dossiers.
-Write the thing about advices for NHH
-Mission: Science!
Oh, also I think I have a call about another thing at 5. Oy.
Okay, so I’m at GC so it’s time to do the GC things. Yeah? Yeah.
I’m noticing what I’m not liking is that there are some really yummy things on one half of the tray, but the waiter keeps smacking my hand when I reach for one of them because I’m at the GC so I am only allowed to have GC related tray items. Although I just did 3 of the GC things while writing this and screwing around on FB… so maybe not?
{tbc}
-Call H.-Call NBL-Card swap-Update Captain’s Log
-Go to Way station
Okay, I am taking 5 minutes to get on the floor because my shoulder is icky, then I’m spending 20 minutes on the captain’s log and then, if I finish early, I can leave, go to the Way Station, get lunch, and find a nice cafe to work on my me-things!
So much more fun playing in community.
I love it! Yay floor!
Got on the floor and realized I needed to use my superpowers. This is a phrase that I need to have more of in my life.
“I’ll be right back. I just need to go use my superpowers.”
“Where were you?” “Oh, just using my superpowers.”
etc.
Things done! Chicken magic! Waystation and lunch and outta here!! Wooooohooo!
Done:
Pipe Cleaner: “it’s in the bag, baby”Make the drop with the Czech Agent down the hall.Sparkler ReplyOperation Close Eyes I: the saving of the last threads and updating R that this is doneNow onto the Magic Purple Pill Investigation and/or the I’s Have It.
Yay, company! Thanks you guys. I love having company.
Except now I also see that I want to send some intel to alabamalabamanymany, and write about Saying Everything Twice.
I am still trying to pronounce alabamalabamanymany <3
Intel sent! I skip the stones and Say Everything Twice. Whew.
Havi, I like this post a WHOLE lot, and am bookmarking it. Thanks!
Hmmmm. I think I will play with extending the tray metaphor a little bit, for myself: the most prominent item on my tray, right now, is something that I probably wouldn’t have chosen as a first pick, but it’s important to Person A that I give her info about how it tastes, and Person A is someone I want to support in certain ways, and this is an OK way I can do that. So, I am taking the item off the tray and tasting it now. And that feels different-from-and-better-than what I usually say to myself about tasting this kind of thing. 🙂
Also, there can be music to taste to! Yay, play!
*Hugs offered all round*
Tonight I am doing INDULGENCE. (The chocolate biscuit fairy visited, and also I seem to have the house to myself.) I shall put myself a tray together for Saturday. I might do it with a real tray. My cousin gave me a beautiful one for Christmas.
Love to everyone and their trays!
OHMYGOD genius. Setting up a real tray. I have a tray! This is a lovely idea. Mmm. Tangible things.
I could also light candles on a tray and blow them out when I am done. Or light then when I am done.
So many sparks from this! Thank you. <3
The Magic Purple Pill Investigation is turning into a different investigation, however it is a remarkably fruitful one and a door into another project I had been kind of scared to start.
Setting the Beautiful Bell for another 22 minutes.
Hmm, setting is not the word I want. I will think on that….
22!
It turns out I want to work on the New Investigation and not the other things, so that is what I am choosing for today, and the other tray items can wait their turn for now.
Next up: resting on the floor for 15 minutes, and soup!
I didn’t end up choosing some of the things on my tray. They looked nutritious, but I wanted to listen to my body, which wanted light refreshment, nothing heavy. And that’s okay!
Yay! Body knows best, I know I keep relearning that one…
And one of the things I love about the tray (which I also keep relearning) is that the point of a tray passing by is not “Havi has to demolish everything on the tray or else”, it is “these are things someone thought Havi might like to try, however they might not be what Havi needs or desires right now, oh well, such is the life of a tray”. I find that very reassuring! 🙂
Oh, hahaha HA! What in the world is there harder for me than a waiter coming through with a tray.
I will be over here in a corner, for the next week, just reading this over and over.
Oh, how I love how much people vary. And you!
Double ditto!
Fabulous approach to dance around overwhelm. I needed this, Havi. Thank you!
My tray hath runneth over the last few weeks of Epic Move and All the Stuff (not even a proxy), but my physical role in the Epic Move has come to its close. So hard to step away and leave the other Agents on their own, but there is no choice because of Prior Arrangements.
My tray this morning before Operation Broomstick holds Release with some Added Stuck thanks to fear of sticky locks. Oh, poor Self with Fear of Sticky Locks. (Again, not even a proxy.)
Maybe she can color in the new office space while another self carries down the bags. And then its Operation Embark and then again on Saturday.
There is Always Choice and Nothing is Wrong. Mantras for the day.
Oh this week, THIS WEEK. I am here, I am breathing, and I am okay.
The word project is done. Spontaneous dance break! And then bed, and maybe getting up in the morning for body time. It depends on the weather. Many things depend on the weather!
Much love.
The Planner hates the tray. He says it needs to be a PERT chart and a Gantt chart and PDCA. I am laughing because we need to converse about using all the tools.
I have a pizza party tonight (kinda metaphor) and I have to get The Annual Gov’t Money Deadline stuff done for tomorrow, but there are no rules about what can and can’t be done at the pizza party, so I can handle the other stuff then. Eat two cookies at once!