the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 331st consecutive week of wishing, come play!
clues
I love the faith I have in myself
even when wildly unjustified
as evidenced by all the times
words come to me wanting to be written down
but The Game Is Rigged
and does not always allow time for the sitting-and-writing part
so I jot a note for future me,
positive it contains all she could possibly need
and then when it is the time for writing,
I puzzle over the clues in the note
— once a a poem in the form of a grocery list —
with no idea what it means
but filled with so much love towards past-me
who believed in my ability to connect the dots
ginger
cozy with ginger tea
warm orange sweater
and Patsy Cline
ready to write this week’s wishes
holding a wonderfully cryptic note from last-week me:
Cornbread vs the Iditarod
I am almost giddy in love with past me
what a magnificent title
it reads like a lost Richard Brautigan novel
or the title of an especially surreal episode
of a beloved television show I haven’t discovered yet
do I know what it means though
hmmmmmm-maybe?
these are good clues
I can work with these
so let’s explore
maybe I will arrive at the place last-week me had in mind
or somewhere even better
raising my glass to
the superpower of “and maybe even something better…”
cornbread
I had a cup and a half of buttermilk left over
from making luscious life-altering butter
and a bag of organic cornmeal appeared on the shelf
so I baked cornbread
wondering why I never bake cornbread
but then once there was cornbread
I remembered:
cornbread is not a true yes food for me
even when made with love and quality ingredients
the SCENT is joy sparks
slathering BUTTER ON THINGS is joy sparks
but the cornbread experience itself,
meh, I just don’t care about cornbread
I am wondering what else in my life
is cornbread
the yes and the not-yes
for some reason this is something we never talk about,
the combination of joy and not-joy
and how we make choices towards joy
when things are so mixed
and we are so busy
when I was involved with someone not good for me,
once upon a time,
many aspects of our connection were very, very yes:
adoration, treasuring, love, chemistry, pleasure, practice, the desire to be deeply present
and I let those hold so much value
I gave them permission to eclipse
the parts that were very not-yes
the jealousy, the suspicion and accusations, the flashes of blind anger,
the hurtful words
once that lovely enveloping intoxicating freshly baked cornbread scent cleared
and I stopped slathering butter everywhere
it was pretty clear
that you can’t actually receive nourishment or joy
from something that is not what you need
and that I was scared to say no to the no
and lose the parts that were yes
compassion
compassion for past-me who
really needed that experience of being treasured and loved
and didn’t know she could have that
without all the bullshit
compassion for havi of the big heart
who believed that if she just glowed enough love and trust
this person could work on their stuff and figure it out
that is still a very lovely thought even if it turned out not to be true
in this particular case
compassion for being someone who was raised to believe
that being loved means giving up on big parts of who you are,
how could she have known otherwise
compassion for anyone involved
in the constellations and configurations
of that connection and all connections
and for anyone caught in the crossfire
of unsovereign energy sparks
compassion given
as a given
that part is important
I was talking to a dance friend this week
he was deep in self-blame
about the realization that he’d been dating someone
because he was lonely and liked having someone to hold
and not because this person was his yes
so yeah, that’s a thing
we realize we’ve made a choice that isn’t true
to what we want
because part of it was what we wanted
but instead of being able to just say that:
x was yes
y was no
I let x have more weight than y
nothing is wrong
we make it about blame
when blame is so counterproductive and unnecessary
(which is not to say it’s not understandable)
(our culture thrives on the shame-blame game)
so here is what I want to say about that:
if insights about you aren’t kind towards you
they’re not really insights
there might be a beautiful kernel of truth in there
but it’s been seriously distorted in monster-filters
the iditarod
I had the pleasure of hearing Libby Riddles speak once
having no idea how enthralled I would be
my favorite part was not her win
though good lord what an exciting and powerful story
my favorite part was after her first disastrous attempt in 1980,
she took four years to train
like her own personal olympics
think about the faith
with no money, no sponsorship, no training,
in an entirely male-dominated sport
she didn’t have running water or electricity
her village held a bake sale to raise the funds needed for her to enter
the race she won
I find this very appealing
naming an intentional container of spaciousness
in which to move towards something that matters to you
a form
the jealous ex had a dream/plan to go on
a three year retreat
more specifically:
three years three months three weeks three days
without any contact with anyone in the outside world
just meditation in seclusion
and while that would not be my yes for me
I love the shape of that container
what a beautiful amount of time for
process
a way to be the fields
and the seeds
and the water
and the sun
all together
that is really beautiful to me
what else do I know about this
I like things like this that have a shape,
space for a process
in which to sort out
what is my yes and what is less yes
and to actively choose towards things that support
my true yes joy spark life
my peacefulness
my well-being and bell-being
my ability to glow good things into the world
and inside of my own kingdom
the ingredients (for me)
- designated time
- designated (safe) space
- spaciousness
- ritual
- pleasure
- compassion, of course
- turning inwards
- luscious minimalism
relating differently
to myself
and my wishes
deep listening
joyfully self-granted permission
to never make cornbread
to have my internal iditarod training take place
somewhere sunny and quiet
it might involve lounging in a pool
there are pretty rocks there
basically it’s a lot of resting
and learning/relearning how to be someone who
chooses towards rest, yes and less
pleasure, treasure, and even more quiet
what do I know about my wish this week
It’s a wish about creating sanctuary
for myself / my wishes / my desires
the things I need both in my connection with myself
and in connections and love stories with others
doing this with intention
and playful presence
crown on,
breathing down to the root
true to the glowing jewel in my heart
it is related to a long-ago wish about flowers everywhere
and being someone who studies lights and lightness
what is my wish?
and: what is the relationship between cornbread and the iditarod
I think cornbread is an example of a thing I think
should be yes because aspects of it are yes
but the parts that are no make all of it a no
and the iditarod is an example of a thing I think
would be a huge obvious no for me
but actually holds some appealing elements
in the form of intentionality, training and desire
and so even though the thing itself is not yes
it holds enough yes for me
to invent my own shape
and then I can take elements from each
butter = pleasure, intentionality, joy, making, sustainability, doing things my way
slathering = pleasure, lusciousness, plenty, alchemy, transformation
training = presence, play, repetition, ritual, containers, form, desire, planting, growth
let them combine
into something entirely new
entirely mine
something that is a marvelous surprise
I can drop cornbread and the iditarod
into a compass of qualities
and let their yes-elements ripple out and interact
waiting for the new beautiful something to show itself to me
now
sitting in a dark booth across from agent emdee
she and I are both working on scary projects
I want to be dancing
this is both true right now
and also maybe this is my iditarod
without anything to win
just the training
in a way dancing is an escape
it gives me something to do that is not
sitting on the couch crying because the beautiful boy is not coming back
no matter how much I want to believe he could
he can’t
but if we add compassion
because insight without compassion is not useful and not actually insight
then the truth is this:
dance connects me to my body, to my joy body
it is how I remember joy
and find my way back to being a beacon and a bell
which is how healing works
so nothing is wrong
superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone.
november (on the fluent self calendar) is GLOW MORE, with the superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone
how perfect that my question which
answered itself above
just answered itself again with the calendar
the answer is to glow more
nothing that dims my spark (cornbread),
and a big joyful yes to things that support glow
in whatever form that currently takes
and the form is allowed to change because all things change
and glow more is the opposite of stagnation
thank you, past-me, for choosing this for me
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish about the release papers…
this was a wonderful wish
it healed the november glums
and got me dancing again
and helped me understand some things about the
sweet bittersweet of chocolate and being a
(metaphorical) chocolate shop owner
and it reminded me about the importance of clearing things out
for clarity
and you are invited to come by our a FLASH SALE (password: sweetdoors) and you should peek while it’s still happening!
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
Yessssss, cornbread is always SO GOOD until I actually put it in my mouth & then. Alas.
I’ve been finding the concept of _proportions_, and _thresholds_, helpful in figuring out my own Yes vs Not-Yes. For instance, the Best Job I Ever Had, it turns out was ~ 1/3 Yes, and ~ 2/3 Not-Yes. Reversing the proportions would be better, but honestly? The threshold of where the proportion of Yes reaches Sufficiency is probably closer to 80-85% than 67%. And, if I could only claw my way up to 67% after years of tinkering with that job, realistically, I can’t get to 80%. (Unless I live to be 120, and continue working at that job all that time. Not gonna happen.)
Figuring all that out (laboriously) has been grand in showing me how I’ve been settling for way too little of what I need.
I reminded myself just yesterday, “Noticing the pattern is changing the pattern (per Havi). Now that I’ve identified the problem, I can experiment with alternatives…”
“rest, yes and less” –beyond the usefulness of the meaning, love the rhythm of this!
Also wonderful and evocative – “it holds enough yes for me / to invent my own shape”
I haven’t *quite* found my way back to dancing yet {although you are a continual inspiration!}, but thinking about shapes and volumes and proprioception lately has been helping me *feel like* a dancer again. Someday I’ll have a “joy body” again too.
Maybe there have been recent comments from Vicki B, and i’ve just missed them, but i’ve been wondering how she & Mr. B are doing. Does anybody know?
Thanks for this! I started posting under a different user name — Vica Pota — because I want to connect with her powers.
MrB lost part of his foot at the end of October, and could still lose a toe, but he’s getting daily infusions of antibiotics and feels well, so we have hope.
My brother is staying with us and because he is there, I was able to get away for a few days. MrB is doing well enough that he could be left alone if it weren’t for the infusions. They’re done at the clinic and he can’t drive anymore. Brother is handling transportation and home repairs and other things that MrB and I can’t do.
I’ve had four days away, and that is about as long as I can handle unless I have a traveling companion/playmate, someone to share adventures with and talk about what we did and what we’re going to do. I’ve been to museums and I’ve rested and loafed; I wrote and I made some small sculptures that have been on my mind for ages. I wrote, though not as much as I do at home, and I read, though a lot less than I do at home.
I had one particular project in mind, writing a devotion or meditation on scripture to send to Cuba (our church has ties to a church there) and although I worked on it, I didn’t write anything that I want to send to them.
I processed some new ideas and insights about patterns and beliefs. I feel as though I’m at the edge of a significant change in how I “do life”.
I’m so glad to hear how well you’ve been doing, and the progress you’re making on figuring things out.
I’m sorry Mr B is dealing with difficult health challenges, but I’m grateful you have family available to assist.
This wish comes at such a perfect time,
since it’s been a week of taking my cornbread and telling it
“look cornbread I love that you are warm and comforting, and how necessary you have been for me when I was hungry back then…but you are also hurtful, hard to digest, and i really don’t know if a lighter, more fulfilling version of you is possible”
I’m coming to terms with having offended the cornbread, who is only partially to blame. And I’m coming to terms with choosing half-yes or not choosing, trying to reason with my monsters who keep telling me that thing about time.
I wish for peace for the upcoming week, and possibly a miracle,
I don’t think I’ve ever had cornbread! But there are plenty of things that work as substitutes. Domino’s pizza, for example, or Pringles.
I love this month’s page so much that I have made it into a necklace. I am wearing it now.
It contains
– glow
– and I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone
– and I Will Wear My Skirts As Short As I Damn Well Please
– and Fuck Off Sam My Brackets Are A Valid Stylistic Choice
– and I Don’t Need Anyone Else’s Approval
– and the salve from a few weeks back of Sanctuary Within
– and that thing C said last week about my being brave… no, not brave, strong.
It’s pretty amazing.
It is new moon today! New moons are for wishing on, apparently. I am wishing to get the mermaids out of the sea by the end of this month.
Oh me too re Pringles! It is well-documented my body hates them but there is some something there that sometimes draws me in and then: unsurprising regrets.
!!
Havi! I have so many !!!!!s here, to the point that someone reading sections of this would think I wrote it (complete, depending on the someone doing the reading and the mood they were in, with plenty of extraordinarily unkind insights about me; they were always painfully good at that) … except I would never have written about the self-compassion; I wouldn’t have seen that;… “if insights about you aren’t kind towards you they’re not really insights”, this is earthshattering and feels true and I really want to believe this on all days where my jerkbrain is saying the opposite.
“if insights about you aren’t kind towards you
they’re not really insights
there might be a beautiful kernel of truth in there
but it’s been seriously distorted by monster filters”
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
also: !!!!!!!!!
My wish right now is to experiment with making one particular very big change that the monsters keep insisting is a small and simple change. It is neither small nor simple! I do wonder, though, whether there is some possibility that it could be *easy*. I am ready to explore…
In pursuit of self-compassion
(I know it’s in there somewhere)
I wish to find the Good
or the __understandable__
in where I’m at
with tuna fish.
[a proxy]
[the first thing that came to mind.]
This tuna fish has been sitting in my fridge
for weeks
literally
waiting to be cooked.
I am throwing a party
at 7 am tomorrow
where I am required to serve tuna fish.
Not just any tuna fish.
This tuna fish.
But I have not even thought about what to make yet
Also, I do not like tuna fish
And thinking about it makes me feel ill.
What is good here?
Well, some of my reasons for avoiding the tuna fish might contain Good. Opening the tupperware that it’s been sitting in was a definite NO… bad smells… yuck. yuck.
It might be Good that I knew that, and did not do the NO thing, in favor of doing more YES-like things.
Also, during this time the tuna fish has been in my possession, there were a lot of people asking me to be fed… who didn’t eat tuna fish. So I spent lots and lots of time feeding them OTHER things. And it is Good that I am acting with the where-with-all to Make Choices and Prioritize.
And it is Good that I am Trying to find the Good.
And…
It’s tuna fish time.
No matter what happens
it will soon be over
and no matter what
Nothing is Wrong.
Instead of eating the tuna fish, I think I will bury it under a corn plant and then eat the corn.
Or not eat the corn.
<3
!!!!!!!!
clues: Morocco | mushrooms | moss | mustard
what could I try?
ginger bubble tea
shredding things sooner
– or –
bringing six-year-old Me to the front of that V
because how she enjoyed tracking things
– or –
historian Me who still delights
in seeing orderly, elegant ledgers and inventories
and also the quirky, doodletastic kind —
might not she have fun
with what is asked of present Me?
mustard bath
oregano oil?
what do I want?
less itchiness/skittishness
more safety and surefootedness
also, pony rides and footrubs
what do I know?
patience has served me well with the tomatoes and cyclamen
sleeping on the revisions served me well these past two days
warm wishes to all y’all
<3 for these great clues!
This has been one of the truest things I’ve read. Thank you, Havi.
Especially this bit:
if insights about you aren’t kind towards you
they’re not really insights
there might be a beautiful kernel of truth in there
but it’s been seriously distorted in monster-filters
!!!!!
I have a tendency to distort every truth about me into the unkind monster version of it. A good thing to notice and be kind to myself about.
I just reread this today (thank you, Puck, for linking to it!) and had the jaw-dropping realization that the Montage mission I started 13 days ago, which is the best thing in the entire world, is my Iditarod, my Anti-Cornbread. I am so delighted about this realization! JOY JOY JOY THANK YOU!