the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 340th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
the best clues
I find that fairly often autocorrect knows better than I do
what I need in a given moment
and — if I’m not paying attention
to what’s actually important in life,
some combination of my fingertips and predictive keyboard algorithms
will come together to send me in the right direction
and so it happened while on my way
to Beaverton — well, actually, as it turned out, to Hillsdale
(but all suburbs occupy the same place in my mind)
I tried to share my whereabouts with a fellow agent
but “Beaverton” got scrambled and here is what was transmitted instead:
en route to Bravery!
is that not marvelous
what a perfect destination
what do I know about this
who is the me who is en route to bravery?
bon courage
what do I (not) have the courage to ask for?
that was the next question
not mine
somewhere online I ran into one of those depressing memes
that is supposedly motivational
but really just makes you want to crawl into bed for a year
— “you get in life what you have the courage to ask for” —
for the record let me just state the probably-obvious,
I don’t believe this statement is necessarily true at all
but it does make an interesting question to explore…
especially for someone whose job is releasing wishes and letting things be named
what am I not asking for right now due to courage issues?
this following the heels of my accidental announcement
that I am EN ROUTE TO BRAVERY
well, it seemed important
then of course I went into avoidance and did everything in my power
not to answer these questions
especially when [boundary issues] started popping up all over the place
and then became very ill and have been in bed
which is a good place to listen to my courageous heart
and hide out and maybe skip some stones
let’s skip some stones
what do I know about en route to bravery
this is the year of doors, and so
en route to bravery is clearly a passage,
a series of doors
and the first door is freedom,
god knows that might be the door that requires the most courage
the freedom to let go
let things go
experience what I am like on the other side
obviously letting go of my beautiful home
is wild intense bravery
even if I had a plan, which I don’t,
it would still be the bravest door
especially for me, with my history
and all my pain about belonging and space and place
I like that this is en route to bravery,
and not the monster-version — en route to hardship, despair and doom!
who is the me who is brave?
I think of myself as a not-particularly courageous person
and there is ample monster-collected evidence to support this,
and yet, when we just look at things:
yes, okay, I am someone who
1) moved countries three times, alone, with no support
2) ended an unhealthy marriage
3) got through many months of Operation Resilience (no home or place to stay)
4) went back to work the day after a suicide bomber blew up the neighboring bar
5) started a business from nothing, and eleven years later it’s still going strong
6) took off on a five month road trip on her 39th birthday…
as much as the monsters want to replace “brave”
with words they like better
(“foolhardy”, “reckless”, “stupid”, for starters),
and as much as I think of myself as
timid, highly-sensitive, fearful, anxious, traumatized,
in need of scandalous (say the monsters) amounts of
alone time, recovery time, quiet time, hiding in bed…
I am brave
so why don’t I know this
[we interrupt for a monstering message]
monster representative: this is bullshit, you are not a brave person, and not only are you not brave, but it is unethical for you to try to portray yourself this way on the blog, you aren’t supposed to be putting up a facade, you’re supposed to be sharing who you actually are, and who you are is a very scared person
me: uh that actually seems like a pretty good point, need some help here!
wisest-me: I’ll take over from here, babe, how about we all keep in mind that bravery doesn’t mean not having fear, bravery is the ability to recognize and acknowledge fear, staying centered and clear, able to appreciate the wisdom-seeds stored inside of the fear, all without letting fear run the whole show
monster representative: ugh, whatever, Havi is not brave and she will never be brave, end of story
wisest-me: I understand that your mission is to keep Havi safe, and I am committed to that mission as well, so help me understand what you’re trying to protect her from so that I can be supportive….
risk analysis…
monster rep: if she thinks she’s brave, she’ll take risks that will hurt her
wisest-me: okay, I can see why you wouldn’t want that, what kind of risks?
monster rep: oh god, who knows, she could enter a dance competition and get her spirits crushed and stop dancing, she could do the [project], she could start saying what she thinks…
wisest-me: so you’d rather she not think of herself as courageous so that she doesn’t try things and then get hurt if they don’t work, am I getting this right…?
monster rep: yup, let’s keep her focus on her weaknesses and fearful nature so that she doesn’t start testing any limits…
wisest-me: you know, I’m wondering, in the past it seems like any time Havi has been separated from some aspect of her identity, that’s when the painful stuff has happened, so, what if we allowed Havi to embody this quality so that it’s another part of who she is (because it is!), and then we have a more whole, unified, stable, powerful Havi, whose bravery is just one aspect that lives in harmonious relationship with all of her other qualities
monster-rep: I would say that sounds like hippie nonsense, but I see your point, cutting her off from herself never goes well, I guess we can try it your way…
what am I not asking for right now because of courage issues?
whether that’s asking of myself or of other people or just
asking like wishing
asking source to provide for me
asking myself to remember that I am provided for
even when I forget
asking for things like…
- boundaries
- freedom
- respect
- time, money, resources for [important projects]
- more rest
what do I know about brave me?
bravery is a quality of incoming me
she says what she thinks
asks for what she wants
does not take shit from anyone
which is important
I am practically a professional shit-taker
but this has not always been the case
when I was a bartender I was very good
at being clear with people
once I threw a stack of coasters at a client
hit him in the forehead so hard he stumbled off his barstool
he deserved it and he knew it
okay so maybe not my proudest moment in life
but actually right now kind of wishing I had
some of that back
wouldn’t mind the assertiveness or the good aim
my cousin Anat in tel aviv would say
if you don’t want to take shit
don’t put your hands out
something like that
anyway, what I want is the superpowers of past-me
(standing up for myself, pushing back, determination)
combined with the superpowers of incoming-me
(calm easy grace, radiant boundaries, fierce panther aliveness, steady ground)
what else about this?
well, this is related to the rigged game,
there is this very rational fear
when it comes to standing up to men
because men (yes, some men, not all men, do I really have to say this)
are known for sometimes wanting to hurt you or kill you
at the hint of perceived rejection
or any assertion that you are in fact a sovereign being
who gets to make your own choices
the other day at Doug Fir
I wanted to say NO POKING
to the guy who thought I was deaf and kept poking me
to get my attention
but there is always this part of me that knows
sometimes guys like that take it personally
and wait for you in the parking lot
and my god does a lot of energy go into these absurd
placating procedures where you try to navigate these situations
in such a way that protecting your boundaries doesn’t get you in trouble
I want to be someone whose space is so clean and clear
that it doesn’t even occur to anyone that they could poke me
and if they do, PANTHER ME gives them a look
and nothing more needs to be done
but I also want
I also want to be someone who can just say it
— NO —
— THIS DOESN’T WORK FOR ME —
— I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE —
— I DON’T LIKE BEING POKED —
— THIS IS NOT OKAY —
— STOP —
with no qualms
no reservations or hesitation
my no is my no is my no
my beautiful no is held by the earth
and the sky
by all my allies
by a thousand panthers
my entourage of brave selves
yes to my yes
no to my no
just like that
taking up space unapologetically
glowing hard
with peaceful powerful presence
no one messes with me
because I am my full wild self
this is what I want the courage to ask for
what do I know about my wish this week
like last week’s wish, and the week before, it’s about
presence and embodiment
and passage
and of course, following the clues
in the order that they reveal themselves
and asking questions without
needing a plan
now
I am sick in bed and this is not a bad thing
it’s a passage and a crucible and its own door
last-week me made excellent vegetable stock
and yesterday-me used it to cook up a pot of
garlicky wild rice with vegetables
maybe en route to bravery isn’t always
a road of adventure
maybe sometimes it happens under a giant duvet
with a notebook
and a few just-right questions
superpower of I am here and ready.
december on the 2015 fluent self calendar was TREASURE MORE, with the superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises, and now we are in the Year of Doors: january is FREEDOM, and the superpower is I am here and ready
here and ready is about presence
which is what bravery requires
if I am going to have the courage to ask
then this is the way to enter
thank you, past-me, for putting this
on the calendar
thank you, year of doors
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish about being the namer who names…
this wish led me to the realization that my belongings are treasure, and treasure is best counted/named in categories, and this wish also brought me to new levels of releasing, and for that I am very thankful
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
‘yes to my yes
no to my no
just like that
taking up space unapologetically
glowing hard
with peaceful powerful presence
no one messes with me
because I am my full wild self’
OMGYESPLEASE
I am asking for this too. For you, for me, for all of us who feel it. Absobloodylutely.
MAY IT BE SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
was going to comment but this pretty much sums it up. Thanks, Claire! I also so resonated with & was touched by this. Wonderful wish for Being all that we need, rather than having to Do something about it.
Yes. YES. May it be so!
hear hear!!!!
I laughed my way thru this entry, esp the convo btw your monster and wiser-Havi.
Bravery is as bravery does. And you *do*.
For the first time in my life, i’m not striving for… anything. When I’m in my studio, mostly i’m sitting on the floor. Looking at stuff, not even really thinking. (Musical) rests, negative space, looooonnggg rhythms are entering my inner life. I’m feeling enriched in a whole new way.
ohh this is deligtful! yes to loooong rhythms and negative space and not-striving!!
mmmmmmmmmm, musical rests!! life rhythms! love it!
That sounds like pretty much the best thing ever! I have managed to work a little more of this fallow time into my life but oh, I could wish for so much more of its deliciousness!
Heart sighs for so much of this. I agree about those ‘motivational measges’ I saw one last week about ‘the difference between what you setlle for and what you deserve.” Felt very unsafe and violent, not least ebcause it was posted by a dear friend who is also a raging narcissist, who is incredibly demanding of her loved ones. And havign a Now is Not Then moment, because when you’re married to an alcoholic, you are not the primary partner: you are a concubine, and how much you are tolerated depends on how much you fall in conflict with the wife.
Some wishes:
-next week, i’m having another[unpleasant medical procedure]. i need TLC and appropriate care for my kids
-rising light. my hibernation time is coming to an end. i want to feel more vital and energized, and actually get out and do fun things
-i want my christmas bonus from my boss, this is not a proxy
just found a clue from Joseph Campbell: The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek
!!!! Amazing!
Yes – I have experienced this. Scary but amazing.
“Maybe sometimes it happens under a giant duvet with a notebook and a few just-right questions…”
Yes.
I have this perception (assumption?) of having many many things that I am supposed to do. Too many, say the monsters; a million billion things, say the monsters. My wish is that I can begin to see the things as not so many, not so hard, or both. What if everything is secretly easy? Now, there’s a superpower I would love to have!
Everything Is Secretly Easy! Yes. I want that power, too.
me too!!
!!! What a beautiful wish!
Everything Is Secretly Easy is a most beautiful superpower
My wishes are about doors:
1. I wish for progress on the Pushing On Doors That Read Pull issue that is both literal and metaphorical. This is about allowing myself time to process (even the split second that I need to understand a familiar one-word instruction). It is also about Conscious Entry and Listening Instead Of Assuming. It might be about other things, too.
2. And I wish for clarity on which doors need to stay closed and which open. A review of my inner door-keeping policies is in order! I think I have a maze right now (with forbidden corridors I fear entering, with treasures which should be displayed and used forgotten behind doors I’ve lost the keys to, and with public access to spaces which need to be protected) I want an easily navigable, comfortable home.
so many helpful images!!! my mind overflows with all these beautiful ideas!
ditto! these images are so resonant!
If one is taking a train from Leighton Buzzard or Milton Keynes or Birmingham New Street to London Euston, one passes a pub that says in very large letters on the side, TAKE COURAGE. And clearly they are trying to sell beer, so perhaps one can take courage in the same way that one would take medicine, but I’ve also read it as ‘here, have some courage’, which was very useful when I was on the way to a job interview.
I remember a painting called ‘Go Bravely On’ (I think this is a quotation from Thomas Merton), and of course this is only a step away from Star Trek and Boldly Going.
This week I am editing. I wish for clarity and the superpower of Seeing Exactly What Needs To Be Done. And yes, I will have some of I Am Here And Ready too.
And I want to put a forcefield of selective invisiblity around my reversubmersible so that the people who need it can see it, and the people who would try to blow it out of the water (if indeed there are such people; maybe there aren’t!) remain blissfully ignorant of its existence.
Love to you all, fellow travellers on the road to Bravery.
That pub is going on a main road in my internal kingdom!!
Do you know Heron Carvic’s Miss Seeton? Her books were published 30+ years ago, so maybe not.
In one of the books, Miss Seeton and a young woman were being kidnapped. Miss Seeton kept seeing signs that said Take Courage so she did. She took courage and a hatpin and poked it into the driver’s arm or neck, causing the car to crash, giving them a chance to get free. Her speech is full of non sequesters and divagations, and the books are fun to read.
Thanks for reminding me of that book.
How lovely that there’s a pub that seeds clues as you pass!
For some reason this all makes me think of a favorite piece of art, “I Know Where I’m Going” by Lori Chilefone:
http://www.portalwisconsin.org/online_gallery_image.cfm?rid=83049&artist=625&sort=medium&i=1&medid=14
love to all.
Last week I wanted refraint, connection, bravery.
I have continued to refrain. It’s hard some days. The monsters start to stir around 3 to 4 pm and say “just stop and get some wine. it’s nice and will calm you. you shouldn’t be this wound up.” They forget that being wound up isn’t necessarily bad. And that lots of things can calm me – tea, yoga, more yoga, and still more yoga. Also music and podcasts. The monsters love yoga. The rolly polly kind and the upside down kind.
Little connections made and remade with friends who are boys who make me smile. Sitting next to and chatting and smiling at things that are ours.
And so I want more – more threads, wound and wound to make them stronger. I want more things that are mine and ours. They are all related – the refraining makes wanting stay alive, because the monsters aren’t all sleepy with lovely wine. Then the monsters turn to what they really want – which is connection. And they have no choice but to be brave to get it.
Refraint, bravery. connection.
<3 <3 <3 this is a lovely way to be en route to bravery! and for connection!
As always, this comes just in time. Especially because it turns out you posted it just as I *was* being brave and Talking About Our Relationship with THYMID. My monsters were coming up around it all over the place before it happened, because How Dare I Ask For Things and don’t I know that The Best Way To Be Happy In A Relationship Is To Be Small And Want For Nothing?
And it turns out that THYMID also wants to see me more (for which there was ample evidence), and that we’re both somewhat stymied by the vagaries of adulting and city life, and that this is an ongoing conversation that we both want to keep having.
I want this to continue. That conversation was just one step en route to bravery. I want more. I want to radiate good boundaries around my time; I want to trust that however it happens, it will be wonderful (whatever “it” is); I want to hear my Yes and my No ring out within me and then act on that intel. And all of that is bravery.
What beautiful wishes! Deep deep love to all of you. <3
Yay! All of that *is* bravery!
“maybe en route to bravery isn’t always
a road of adventure
maybe sometimes it happens under a giant duvet
with a notebook
and a few just-right questions”
That is a wonderful poem. Thank you!