Background: the metaphor technique is something I’ve adapted from Suzette Haden Elgin‘s teachings. It’s an amazing tool for destuckifying.
It’s also how I discovered that I work on a pirate ship and defeated the hackers. And cured my fear of being beautiful.
More recently we turned my dreaded Tickler file into an Iguana Watcher’s Guide And doing taxes happens in a Secret Money Cave where I visit my treasures and make Tribute to the lands that allow me access to their fair harbours.
Metaphor Mouse to the rescue!
The situation.
So. I was talking shop with a [very nice, very successful, male, significantly older than me] colleague, and we ended up in one of those clashes of opinion whose entanglements are primarily semantic.
He was using phrases like “taking over the world” and “world domination” and “full growth potential” and “building your empire”. And “taking it to the next level”.
And while I’m into biggification that happens in a mindful, conscious way, all this talk of dominating hugeness is sooooo not my cup of grown-in-my-backyard tea.
So he was thinking I was hitting some personal walls of my own fears of biggification, which okay, yeah, I have some.
But as we talked it out* it became clear that this was really more about vocabulary.
* NVC FTW! It is still astonishing to me how many disagreements turn out not to be disagreements as soon as I remember to apply Non Violent Communication.
Wait! A really important thing that needs to be said before I continue with the post!
Words are individual. Definitions and associations: even more so.
So if you like having an empire or dominating things, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. And it doesn’t mean that your way is wrong, or that we can’t be each others’ right people.
It just means that each of us gets to work on our own stuff in our own way. This is me figuring out things for me. And I sincerely hope that me-working-on-my-stuff and processing out loud doesn’t step on your stuff, because that’s not my intention at all. Okay?
Okay. Back to the stuck.
He really couldn’t understand why I didn’t want an empire. And I couldn’t understand why wanting one was so important.
It took us a while to figure out that we actually both want similar things in our businesses. We just have really different ways of talking about them.
As it turned out, it wasn’t my biggification monsters showing up. It’s a much more basic discomfort (and personal associations) with this vocabulary of dominance and dominating and kicking-of-ass.
Which is not a culture I feel at home in.
[NOTE: I don’t at all need things to be huggy and lovey. There can totally be Bruce Lee moves and jedi stuff. I just don’t want to dominate anything. Not my style.]
So it was clear that — whether I want to biggify more or just be able to talk about what I’m already doing — it’s time to find a vocabulary that does describe what I want.
And who better for that job than … Metaphor Mouse!
All together now! To the tune of I am Iron Man. Yes. Still.
“I am Metaphor Mouse … doo da doo doo doo doo doo!”
Unpacking my current relationship with this.
What are the qualities, aspects, associations, attributes of my PERSONAL DEFINITION of the problem word (including what *is* working — if anything)?
(EMPIRE = ?)
[+ crushing opponents]
[+ unkind]
[+ sprawling]
[+ conflict]
[+ governed through strength]
[+ rapacious]
[+ unclear boundaries]
[+ constant growth]
[+ hard to get a handle on]
[+ requires forceful maintenance]
[+ can’t afford to be compassionate]
[+ dominance]
[+ masculine]
[+ imperialism]
[+ mainstream]
[+ influence]
[+ power]
[+ ability to get stuff done]
[+ respected]
[+ thriving]
[+ could be awesome]
[+ Death Star]
[+ storm troopers]
Reminds me of? Makes me think of?
Alright. I know I was going all Star Wars there, but when I asked this question the first thing that popped into my mind was: Napoleon.
So Napoleon it is.
Learning more about my IDEAL metaphor (X = ?)
What sort of qualities, aspects and feelings does the thing I want contain?
[+ power]
[+ sovereignty]
[+ thriving]
[+ clear boundaries]
[+ I get to be Pirate Queen]
[+ nonviolent]
[+ well-defined]
[+ contained]
[+ silly]
[+ playful]
[+ sustainable]
[+ good relations]
[+ independence]
[+ margins]
[+ support]
[+ community]
[+ queer-friendly]
[+ grounded]
[+ strong]
[+ fierce]
[+ creative]
[+ using powers for good]
[+ healthy growth]
[+ respected]
[+ flexible]
[+ freedom]
Reminds me of? Makes me think of?
Mmmmm.
Safe harbour for my pirate ship and my people. Something with both isolation and connection. An island kingdom? Treasure island? An enchanted island? A hidden island?
It’s definitely an island. But not some little island with a lone palm tree sticking out of it.
It’s substantial. And also protected from other people’s imperial enterprises.
It’s more like … Vancouver Island. Size-wise, I mean.
If Vancouver Island was home to the Emerald City. And belonged to me. And had a lagoon that was named after my duck.
It’s like … Sovereignty Island.
What do you think, Metaphor Mouse? Are we at metaphor?
Uh, no. But this is a really bizarre (and therefore excellent) direction.
What needs to happen next?
My designer needs to produce a map. A gorgeous, gorgeous map.
Also, at least one city needs to be called Selmopolis. Okay, maybe that’s going a little too far.
But definitely a lagoon. We need a lagoon.
And how do we make it more fun?
We’ll start with the maps and go from there. But I have some ideas …
Anything else?
You know, it’s so hard to know where word-resistance and/or personal definitions come from.
In the case of me and my friend, we’re both successful entrepreneurs. There isn’t a class gap, but there are gender and generation gaps.
And it can be so difficult to tell how much of our talking past each other is due to that, and how much is more about our personal values and associations related to different words and concepts.
For me, the take-away is: it’s useful to take time to unpack the words I use, so that I can either rewrite my own personal definition of them or find a new word.
Because if my resistance to something buried in that word is keeping me from moving forward, that isn’t good for anyone involved.
Again, words are individual.
You can absolutely have an empire if you want one. I will still like you.
This process isn’t about deciding which words are good. It’s about figuring out what stuff trips us up so that we can rewrite it.
And often as not, a word or an association or a metaphor that works wonders for one person is meaningless for someone else.
Here’s what I don’t care about: what you end up calling something. Here’s what I do care about — a lot: the freedom and play that come with consciously interacting with words and with everything else in your life.
Play with me! And comment zen for today.
Anyway. You are more than welcome to practice your own Metaphor Mouse-ing in the comments — anything you’re working on is fine.
Or to think out loud about stuff that’s troubling you. Mess around with words and wordishness! Or get brainstorming help from other commenter mice.
Maybe you just want to be happy for me and my new baby metaphor. Always appreciated!
As always: we let people have their own experience, and we don’t tell them what to do (unless someone specifically asks for help).
Come play. It will be fun!
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I always love Metaphor Mouse. I’d love to visit your island, sounds great and definitely needs a lagoon. And maybe you can use one of these? http://www.freespiritspheres.com/gallery_eryn.htm
And it’s so funny: the word Queen doesn’t work for me at all, and I’ve tried. Maybe because my country has a queen. She’s a lovely woman, but ultimately merely decorative. She’s really good at being decorative in a regal way, so that helps my support for an otherwise rather outdated way of governmenting. Her son – our future King and that sounds HORRIBLE! Queens are nice, but Kings? Argh – doesn’t get the idea of being regally decorative at all, so is causing scandals all over the place. That’s what he gets for trying to be a human being. I say we let him and turn the Kingdom of the Netherlands into the Democracy of the Netherlands.
So annoying that living in an actual Monarchy makes a perfectly lovely metaphor unusable for me! 🙂
Empire has always worked for me, as does Empress. (Empire = made it yourself + big enough so people respect you + big enough you can produce what you need + rolling green hills (yeah, don’t ask where that came from) + calm. Empress (heavily influenced by Tarot, not by history) = sovereign + beautiful + calm + loving + funny + decisive + protector.
On the other hand of the scale, I love Captain. For the ‘small enough so nobody will try to get in there and claim half’ aspect (because as Captain you either have the ship, or don’t have the ship. No fiddling in the margins!), and the ‘steers the ship wherever he wants’ aspect. Plus, Captain Picard AND Captain Jack Sparrow. Yum. 😉
(Off to do some Metaphor Mousing on Captain. Empress is a little far out to me, but Captain is absolutely the right size for me. Only how to get from ‘small enough so nobody encroaches’ to ‘big enough so nobody encroaches’ if there’s a ‘so big that people will think they can take some and not so big they will no longer try’ in between? Don’t want to put myself on a perceived dead-end path. Fleet? Island’s nice, with the boundaries and all. Promising.)
I’m imagining Selmopolis as being filled with houses whose gables are decorated with duck carvings. And for some reason this thought makes me happy.
Okay, I’m breaking my lurker mode to finally comment! I admit that I love your blog and also find it intimidating because your writing style forces me to sit down and actually read word for word, not skim. Probably a good thing!
Yes! A lagoon. There needs to be a lagoon. I love your word list, actually, it works really well for me, too. I love silly and playful, I love support and community. I would add the words “safety” and “enthusiastic consent,” which basically goes with your clear boundaries term but to me is a super-important part of safe spaces. Asking before touching, yay! (And boy, am I a snuggler, so those who ask shall often receive.)
.-= Judith´s last post … We interrupt this long radio silence for some breaking news… =-.
I was doing some metaphor-stuff on Monday around my resistance to my to-do list. (And to lots of the stuff that I’m doing, which is stuff that I do actually find kind of fun! And yet I don’t want to do it…). Got as far as the idea of a “shiny things to make” list instead (much of what I do is creative), but I’m not entirely happy with that. It’s good as far as it goes, but is a bit unwieldy!
Ideas appreciated: I want something that feels fun, something I’m choosing to do, something I get satisfaction from the process of (not just from ticking the thing off the list), creativity…
.-= Juliet´s last post … Tar sands activism today and next month! =-.
De plane boss de plane.
That was my first thought about the Island which isn’t called Sovereignty Island.
Then, yes this thing with words and the meanings, associations and values they hold for us vs pretty much every body else, has and continues to create conflict.
The fear of being misunderstood and maligned for and by those we wish to communicate with keeps most vital communications from happening.
Duck gables – Oh yes! I am happy with you @Jane. Also I googled duck gables and nothing came up but The Drunken Duck Inn did and I thought I would like to visit The Drunken Duck Inn in Selmopolis. I imagine it would be most hospitable.
Havi, the thought of you owning Vancouver Island makes me laugh with delight! Yes! Especially since I live here. And it needs a Selmopolis, complete with lagoon and other ducks for Selma to play with. 🙂
I love this post. Words are powerful. And they can carry so much emotional charge that they lose their own essence in the process. Metaphoring removes those personal charges, and restores words to their inner sovereignty.
From post-colonial land here in Canada: thanks so much for this lovely, thoughtful post.
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Going Away =-.
A few blocks down from The Drunken Duck Inn should be a Just Duck Inn, which should also be fabulously comfy with a fire place and Guiness on tap. And a pond out back. With ducks. And swans. 🙂
LOVE. This.
A Just Duck Inn sounds kind of perfect. Gables. Pubs. Flags. GARGOYLES! We definitely need gargoyles. Okay, I have to write a bunch of stuff down!
You know, the oddest thing just happened.
I’ve been having trouble with “empire” too, and I’ve been trying to reframe it mentally as an island or set of islands, but when I read this post I immediately got an image in my head of Lothlorien and Rivendell – vast forests full of magic and shadows.
I’ll have to think on this. Thank you.
.-= Chris Anthony´s last post … Everyday Delight 4 – Comfort Edition =-.
At first, I was all “Empire! Yes! I want my OWN storm troopers!” because, well, I always loved Darth. I wanna get myself one of those shiny suits (but without the burn damage underneath) and a mask that makes me sound like James Earl Jones. I’ve always wanted to be Darth more than Leila. “You’re my only hope”? Pshaw! I’m my only hope, brotha!
But…now that I’ve geeked out in public (we’ll call it “transparency!”)…what I really want is that cottage you mentioned in the Copy Magic call yesterday.
A little cottage with stone fences and fields for the sheep and some chickens and fresh eggs. And rooms that are all MINE to decorate and paint and the studio will be huge with gabled windows and I’ll always be painting new murals on the walls. And the entire thing will be cooled by fans. And warmed by fire and sweaters and hot chocolate.
Not an island, not an empire, just a cottage and land and **noone else**, except when I invite them.
.-= Tara´s last post … In which I prove better systems lead to more time on the beach =-.
I totally get this with my other half. We’re at the point where we go “hang-on; can you clarify what you mean by X term?” but we used to have real walls brought up by the differences.
Your metaphor made me think of Valhalla – it has military links but ignoring those – it’s got it’s own protection – can only be found by those who need it and those who work there {kind of like anyone who’s working on their stuff].
@Maartje Queen didn’t fit me either, but I found Enchantress which does =)
@Juliet May I just throw in some words that came to mind? Please use or discard at your lesuire:
crafts list. creations. play-dates. glitter-list. art supplies. [i’m not sure if art feels fun to you]
I might need to borrow Metaphor Mouse to find a name for.. erm.. my thing that isn’t a business- because that makes me think of people in suits in a big block of offices with lots of gray walls and no windows and argh. [note: totally personal – people in suits are lovely in general- it’s just my vision of a business.]
Yet, I don’t like ‘self-employment’ or ‘shop’ or ‘selling services’ or ‘products’. [i’m fussy :P]
Annd I have this enchantress metaphor going on. I guess a shop is a list of products so – a book of spells or a casket full of potions, perhaps.
I want to think of.. expansion. Light and airy – a meadow maybe. No walls or lots of windows. And i’d love to add wings. it’s a space to offer my people what they need – like a.. umm. [my mind just said “jaccuzzi” but i’m not sure that’s helpful].
Oooh maybe a meadow of butterflies. A safe space for butterflies/nymphs/birds to grow into their wings.
It would be useful if I could find terms for both ‘business’ and ‘store/shop’.
I’m going to do something I rarely do and ask for help – I wondered if any commenter mice might be able to help me with some ideas?
Many Thanks,
Rose
.-= Rose´s last post … Monsters at the Launch Party =-.
I think I would buy a timeshare in Selmopolis, and visit, and bring Guinness.
And perhaps, I’d be rooming next door to the great racehorse, Zenyatta, who also likes a Guinness. I know she’d visit.
I hope the Just Duck Inn accepts horses and jolly Oregonians. We’ll clean up after ourselves, we promise.
I’m wondering if there’d be cute signs with Selma pointing to areas of interest, and special duck boats in the harbor.
The word I use to describe my place is Haveden. It’s a cross between a Haven and an Eden. A place for shelter and a place for growth. A place for ease and a place for new things. Something sustainable, and iterative. A place for people to come and rest and grow and then embark again on their journey.
People who desire to dominate don’t see the inherent sovereignty of others, and thus, maybe themselves.
.-= Bridget´s last post … I like money =-.
An empire, reframed or not, is a bit far out for me to consider right now. I do, however, like the idea of a little grey clapboard cottage on the Oregon coast. It has a huge front porch with a hammock and a porch swing and a comfy couch (for Atlas), and the porch steps lead down to a wide expanse of beach. It’s bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside, so there is room for many. And I can have my friend Kelly come and paint on the walls of the studio.
You know, this is a good metaphor; it’s what I really want to have someday, so it’s easy to imagine.
.-= Elizabeth´s last post … clever pup =-.
I love how everyone is getting such beautifully varied responses to this! For me, the first thing I thought of when you mentioned an Island (with lagoons!) was Neverland.
I just have to share this little excerpt from Wikipedia;
“The novel explains that the Neverlands are found in the minds of children, and that although each is ‘always more or less an island’, and they have a family resemblance, they are not the same from one child to the next. For example, John Darling’s ‘had a lagoon with flamingos flying over it’ while his little brother Michael’s ‘had a flamingo with lagoons flying over it’. The novel further explains that the Neverlands are compact enough that adventures are never far between. It says that a map of a child’s mind would resemble a map of Neverland, with no boundaries at all”
I’ve always loved the idea of Peter Pan and his Never Never Land. Now I especially love the idea of creating my own version of an Empire, where the landscape can shift and change according to one’s desires/dreams, where adventures are never far between, and each inhabitant has the ability to make of it what they need or want 🙂
Time to go gather more Happy Thoughts!
.-= Heidi´s last post … Healthy Eating Habits 2 Mindful Eating =-.
I am happy for you and your island. I want to swim in your lagoon.
One metaphor that I like a lot, for me, is that I am a Bard. To me, there’s a lot of sovereignty in that — I travel throughout the land, sharing words and music, beauty and inspiration. I may form alliances with clans or individuals, but I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … The trouble with “middle vision” =-.
@Tara — I also love the idea of having a cottage, and in an alternate metaphor, I am a Witch in a cottage. I’ve read enough Terry Pratchett that to me, a pointy hat is as much a symbol of sovereignty as a crown.
@everyone — I’m glad you’re here, and glad to have this place to play. I’m having a sad afternoon, and all these lovely imaginings are comforting me.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … The trouble with “middle vision” =-.
Because I have a morbid, gothy side and also because I think it’s very funny, my metaphor for my don’t-call-it-a-business is a mad scientist in a castle on a mountain. There are things in jars and cackling and lightning bolts and a big book called Evil Plans. Even though my plans are totally Not Evil. But there is no empire because I’m not trying to take over the world, I just want to make My Beautiful Creatures. I am a misunderstood crazed genius. I mean no harm. Please leave your pitchforks at the door of the castle.
My yet to be renamed ‘hide under the desk’ words:
Business
Boring, boring, boring.
SEO
We shall not speak of it.
Target market
No, no, I do not want to use the word ‘target’, it makes me think about shooting my lovely, lovely peeps and that is a big sadness.
Marketing
I’ve mostly got round this by doing my marketing the fun way, i.e. I just talk to people but I could do with a friendlier word.
Selling
Oh dear, this one brings the monsters out in force.
Accounting
Haha, it is to laugh. The numbers and I, we do not get on.
.-= Kirsty Hall´s last post … Embarrassment Won’t Kill You =-.
I’ve recently tried the metaphor idea with my “intensive summer teacher training” which was scaring the crap out of me and is now called “Orange Witch’s Magical Mystery Tour” which sounds way more fun in dealing with the unknown things coming!! Now I definitely will start using more metaphors for the ikky stuff in life!
.-= Samantha´s last post … Orange Witchs Magical Mystery Tour =-.
All I know is that I want to draw a map of my world, like in one of those books where in the very beginning the author has drawn a map of things and you can go back and look at it while you read. And it will have all the things I want in my life.
Oh, giant piece of paper I am so glad I brought you home with me.
Hooray, I metaphor-moused SEO and wound up with ‘guiding star’ through a strange route that involved searchlights, the Blitz, Hide and Seek, breadcrumbs and the Rocky Horror Picture Show. ‘Guiding Light’ is much better than SEO, don’t you think?
.-= Kirsty Hall´s last post … Embarrassment Won’t Kill You =-.
Oh hey, check that out, it morphed without me even noticing there. Hmmm, interesting.
I think I’ll stick with Guiding Light, because it makes me think of lighthouses and leaving the porchlight on to guide my people home – it’s dark out there and they’re cold and hungry and in need of a nice cup of tea and maybe a biscuit.
.-= Kirsty Hall´s last post … Embarrassment Won’t Kill You =-.
I have been trying to work on the whole “empire” thing for years, but the past two years or so have been really… trying. I’ve had a lot of wreckage to deal with, so it seemed hard to try to build an empire from where I am right now. But then I found Havi and Metaphor Mouse, and the fine art of monster-whispering. In a short time, I’ve been able to figure out where I am, and realize I can’t make the jump to Selmopolis from there exactly. My biggest monster: The Overwhelm. Trying to figure out how to tackle all my different priorities and important-things-to-do-at-once. The Metaphor: The Great Escape, which was one of my all time favorite books and movies as a kid (of course, I stopped the movie half way through. I liked the FIRST HALF of the movie.) So now I know what my priorities are. Gotta dig my tunnels and get ready for life on the outside.
It’s not a perfect metaphor, but it helped me get out of stasis. Perhaps once I’m out, I’ll get a drink at the Just Duck Inn. 🙂
For now, I’d just like to say that it made me happy to see queer-friendly on your ideal metaphor list.
Dude, your island could have Pride, but like Sovereignty Pride so everybody knows they’re welcome.
.-= claire´s last post … 28 The Book of Codes =-.
Sovereignty Island with a safe harbour for a pirate ship sounds excellent! Reminds me of Wild Cat Island from Swallows and Amazons with a hidden harbour (and a lantern on a pole for signalling allies) …
@Chris Anthony: Rivendell rocks! I have a picture of Rivendell as my desktop wallpaper at the moment …
.-= Luke´s last post … Ighalsk – release 0115 =-.
THANK YOU, Havi. I find the talk and use of empire and domination very alienating. My ethnic roots are from a homeland that has suffered greatly under empire and domination because of imperialism as you also associate. Yes words are personal, and those in particular reflect a long standing history of oppression for many people – many of whom are people of color in the States and elsewhere. While it is personal, it’s also historical and even current reality for many. Something to keep in mind.
Just FYI to others who have commented or who are reading Havi’s post and the comments, if you use world domination and empire in your product name or marketing, you could turn off a lot of people of color from your product who have histories negatively affected by empire and domination. When I see products with those words in them or the marketing, no matter how good they are, I’m not inclined to buy. I’m not speaking for all people of color here, just myself.
.-= Lydia´s last post … Tap Into Your Creativity and Spirit- An Introduction to SoulCollage® =-.