the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 332nd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
rest into…
this week’s wish involves some of my favorite things
delicious double meanings and puzzling clues from past-me
the pink post-it note from me-of-three-days-ago
holds only the title:
rest into clarity and the wild mysteries
am I to rest into the wild mysteries as well as into clarity?
or is resting into clarity the key to solving said wild mysteries
probably both
let’s find out what is in this wish
and welcome it by saying thank you in advance:
oh wow what a beautiful wish
(the fact that I don’t know what it is yet does not detract from its glow)
the labyrinth
I walked the labyrinth in Taos
asking to understand something about sovereignty
I got to the center
and the word there for me was REST
it wasn’t the word I wanted
but now it is
so let’s fill up on retroactive thank-you-heart of grace
for this treasure
rest is the first duty of the queen
a wise friend said that once
and I didn’t want to hear that either
though at this point in my life
I am 99% convinced that rest is not only
the first and most sacred duty of the queen,
it might even be the only duty of the queen
because really, everything-everything-everything comes from that
rest
when I am not rested, I think I need to make decisions
forgetting that I can get quiet and
receive-and-reveal the decisions that have already been made
this really only works when I am rested
because otherwise I follow the outside culture over the culture of my heart
and choose push more over release more
when I am not rested, I miss big clues
(even while tripping over them)
and forget about Now Is Not Then
I disconnect from myself
and mistake treasure for bad news
but mainly
when I am not rested
I forget how to rest
and when I forget how to rest
I get hijacked by Rebellious Me
who wants to lead the front of the V
and blow shit up
because she thinks that now is then
and how can I tend to my kingdom, my internal worlds,
meet myself and this moment with presence, curiosity and loving-kindness
if I am disconnected from my body,
from that calm steady wisdom that comes from
not being exhausted all the time
the question I asked and didn’t answer
in the deck of stone skipping cards
one card asks
“what do I know about the relationship between rest and sovereignty?”
I loved that question when I wrote it
and then hated it every single time I drew the card
which is fine
there are two schools of thought when it comes to pulling cards
one is “hey, you picked the card so it’s your card”
mine is “if it doesn’t spark something good, it’s not your card,
so maybe you picked someone else’s card or it’s a card for future you,
no worries, pick another card”
one day it was my card though
and I knew
rest is the prerequisite
rest is the door (or at least: one really good possible door)
rest is how you uncover
p.p.s. rest that is motivated by guilt/shame is not the same as actual rest, the element of choosing towards rest is important here
what do I know about [REST + CLARITY]
rest into clarity
rest leads to clarity
resting is a form of clarity
rested-me has clarity
resting through clarity
resting from clarity
resting for clarity
resting is clearing
resting makes things clear
resting clears things up
resting clears things out
resting clears things away
resting is clear
rest is the door to clarity
the rest can be solved by clarity (double meaning)
release and reset, release and rest, release and be clear
clear like a bell
clues
I received some good clues on this in the form of
musical sparks from a wise Rally friend:
Rests are spaces in a sequence of musical beats.
Rests allow the pattern of beats to be clearly heard and felt.
A certain kind of musical rest indicates a pause before a new section of the music. It clarifies the end of one section and the start of the next. (Or of the rest!) Or, it may signal movement to a new version of a prior section.
In musical notation, a space-indicating rest has form, taking a specific shape indicating duration in the context of all the surrounding notes and beats. Paradoxically, the white spaces in musical notation are amorphous and have no duration at all.
There is an implied rest between each peal of a bell, even if not indicated in the music on the page, because of how bells operate. The reverberations of the peal continue through the rest, however.
Notes and rests on a page are like the Tao that can be described; tales we tell each other about the True Music, which is not in written form.
rest and reset
what Sue said about rests and pauses and bells
translates well to dance
in west coast swing it is the anchor that is the pause between
form and form, pattern and pattern,
the anchor is the sweet exhale and the waiting for the inhale
we call this moment kumbaka in yoga
the moment of blank mind, tabula rasa, detach, reset
anchor might be even better because it says:
GET GROUNDED, BE STEADY, BREATHE DOWN TO THE ROOT
and then the sexy part of swing of course is the way you
drift casually away from and back into that stopping point
swaying into the pause, softening into the connection
what do I know about the wild mysteries
the wild mysteries have to do with glowing boldly
and the superpower of
I DO NOT DIM MY SPARK FOR ANYONE
the wild sisters are versions of Incoming Me
there are three of them, each more wild than the next
their superpowers include wild confidence,
not caring what anyone else thinks,
choosing towards pleasure
unapologetically taking up space
filling up on joy and life
and overflowing with gratitude
because they never forget that this moment is treasure
what’s the mystery then
well, there is mystery in the sense of awe
mystery of immersion in qualities of spirit
and of course the mystery
of how do I soften into this Becoming
allowing their powers to become mine
meeting them on the bridge
and the mystery of not dimming my spark
when The Game Is Rigged
and we have been trained to dim consistently
and readily
a tiny example
yesterday in waltz class
there were more leads than follows
I wanted to lead but people kept
expecting me to jump in and follow to even things out
and I almost did
I had to bring so much consciousness into the moment
in order to realize
HEY WAIT, I WANT TO LEAD
I want to be learning to lead this cool move!
and I paid $14 to learn this!
and who cares what other people think or what I perceive they might think
but there it is
I almost caved on what I wanted
because of all the accumulated cultural good-girl programming
that tells me “helpful” and “compliant” are my job
anything else about not dimming my spark?
cultural agreements want us to dim
so every act of not-dimming is a tiny beautiful revolution
dictation from one of the wild sisters:
- Anyone in your life who says things like “did you do thing X that you were supposed to do” does not understand about All Timing Is Right Timing, and and needs to know that this is always the wrong question. A more helpful question is “Hey, just checking in, is thing X still important to you, and if so, how can I help?”
You can train the people in your life in the helpful way to ask questions, or you can invite new people into your life to replace the current ones. Either of these is absolutely valid as an option, follow your yes, as in all things.
- All timing is right timing, and I know you have trouble believing this, so I need you to channel the part of you who knows this. This moment is a fucking miracle, and what you think is late is right on time. You can’t see any of the goings on backstage, or above/below/all-around you, just know that everything is configuring and reconfiguring beautifully around you. You know how when you waltz with Uwe if you are even a fraction off on a turn he adjusts himself almost invisibly so that you end up exactly back in his arms, and the only reason you notice him doing this is that you are also a marvelous dancer? Well, there are energies that are marvelous dancers, and they are all integrating and moving and interacting, and they can recalibrate seamlessly according to where you are, so BE WHERE YOU ARE, and rejoice: where I am is just right. And know that all the changes and shifts that need to be made are already happening, it all is already becoming, it all already is, so just breathe and say thank you, that is your only mission.
- All of this inherited guilt/shame/late, the idea that you are behind, the idea that you owe people things, that people wanting your time is more important than what you are called to be doing (or not doing!) with your time, it is all Rigging. It is all Culture. And it isn’t there to serve you. It’s there to serve the hierarchies and the forces that be. So every time you refuse to participate, you’re dismantling the patriarchy. Bam.
what do I know about my wish this week
it is a wish about adventure
both internal and external
and resting into adventure
and letting rest be the adventure
and the door into other adventures
it is a wish about glowing clarity and
clear glowing
and it is a wish about restoring my crown
so that the wild mysteries become fascinating
rather than frustrating
so that I can say
“oh wow, what an interesting challenge to my glow!”
instead of hiding in bed
and if I do choose hiding in bed
I can delight in the hiding
and in the choosing to hide,
knowing that this is just another sweet way
to rest into clarity
and what could possibly be better than that
now
I’m sitting at Slow Bar, appropriately enough
today has very much been about slowness
and trusting this slowness, trusting the All Is Well of slowness
is part of the mission of rest into clarity
and also part of the wild mysteries
it is marvelously dark in here
the booths are tall and deep red, making their own little world
I hardly ever drink and when I do, only whiskey
but today I ordered a pomegranate margarita made with peppercorn tequila
partly to satisfy my ongoing obsession with pomegranate
partly because my mouth liked the taste of the word peppercorn
especially in combination
(pomegranate-peppercorn pomegranate-peppercorn!)
they call this drink the Zerkpatrick, a marvelous name
and the wild sisters wanted newness and adventure
the unfamiliar path
glow more glow more glow more
down the unfamiliar path
this week I have said yes to many new things
so yes: glow more down the unfamiliar path
superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone.
november (on the fluent self calendar) is GLOW MORE, with the superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone
november has been giving me all kinds of
glow challenges
and I am pausing/anchoring/exhaling
to say THANK YOU for the extra training
and for the reminder
thank you, past-me, for choosing this for me
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish about cornbread vs the iditarod…
this wish helped me realize that dance
is not just something I love
or a way to ease the ongoing heartache of [he is gone]
but a container for me to learn the things I need to learn
in the rest of my life
and giving dance its own container
so that I can say yes to things that are [butter]
and no to [cornbread]
this is a more important mission than I’d realized when wishing the wish
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
!!!!!!!!
Zerkpatricks!
…Zeldangos?
……Pepperglows?
………Pomegravivs?
Some things I want:
* the supahpowahs of de-bait and (declining or rerouting) debate
* sleep + safety + support
* the refund I requested to reach me
* to coax the calla into blooming, and to keep the rose cuttings alive
* to visit Yemen and Tunisia
What do I know:
* not this week and not this year and not ever are all acceptable options
Report on earlier clues:
* Moroccan olive loaf on sale at the supermarket
* mushrooms among the tomato vines
Warm wishes to all y’all.
(Pepperglows!!!!)
what beautiful wishes
what beautiful words
what a brilliant and beautiful spark
i will join this tiny beautiful revolution
what a mission
oh rest oh rest oh yes yes yes
!!!!!!!
Me too.
A few more wishes I am adding to the pot…
…I would like to begin getting to know 2016 Incoming Me.
…I would like for the thing that makes me anxious to stop making me anxious.
…I would like to deepen my connection with my siblings and friends who live far away. The love is there, clear and steady, already — what I want is more frequent communication. I want to reach out to them more.
Oh my, what beautiful wishes we all have. <3
oh, my heart of love and appreciation!
thank you.
<3
Rest! Rest, and the rest will follow!
(I have been much more paying attention to looking after myself this year, and the thing that is really striking me is how much more rest I need than I could possibly have imagined.)
Wishes!
– rest.
– to remember that this is November, and that I am tired in the evenings, and this is just the way things are, and it’s not going to be like this forever.
– to enjoy this last month of the year, to do my grieving and remembering and the other Novembery things and to be ready to greet Advent with joy.
I’m noticing a want to get Speak Its Name wrapped up and off my hands by the end of the month, too. I think this is partly a desire to tie up loose ends by the end of the (liturgical) year, and partly some overenthusiastic monsters with ideas about the Christmas Market. Actually, I think that even if all my editors got back to me today and said it was perfect, and even if the last putative publisher got back to me today and said, no, thank you, it couldn’t get out in two weeks without making me cry. So I’m just going to wish for Quiet Steady Progress and a Light At The End Of The Tunnel and All Timing Is Right Timing.
What beautiful, beautiful wishes.
My wish is a continuation of the previous wish. That one was about taking an extended sabbatical from online media, which I consider challenging because my creative production is intertwined with sharing over said media.
So I would be forced to create in a sort-of media vacuum, which in and of itself isn’t bad for visual stuff (it’s part of the reason why I’m doing this), but I want to share my *writing* regularly.
Anyway, the thing that came up last night was:
“I have everything I need at the moment.”
It felt really powerful, and like a part of me didn’t believe it at all, and there’s this inner struggle that I have to look into more.
The reason this showed up now is that it’s that time of year (or maybe it’s every time of year, I just notice it more now) when everyone is announcing things, and I’m looking at the announcements and sighing because I’m unable to participate.
And yesterday another person whose work I adore and has helped me a great deal announced another thing, and I was like “oh my GOD people, would you stop announcing things I want and can’t afford?”, and my stuff about lack flared up, and I’m glad I recognized it and worked with it.
And I realized hey, if I can’t have this now, then I must not really need it at the moment. I must already have everything I need, otherwise I would’ve had the means to get this thing.
I never thought about it that way, but now I see FOMO is a version of lack.
I fear that if I switch off for a while, I will be left behind.
That the information I would have accumulated during this time would bring about the changes I want, and I realize how silly that is – it’s not information that changes things. It’s me doing things that changes things (see my latest post on this), and if I switch off and go inward, MORE will happen.
This wish is about feeling I have enough and knowing I *am* enough.
Being unplugged for a month can only make me be more me, and return into the world with greater clarity.
Things that might help:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Looking at my calendar for how my outer world activities are arranged, and find the gaps.
* Completing work ahead of time. Not waiting for the deadlines like I tend to, but looking at this as preparing for the voyage.
* Announce my sabbatical on my blog and share it on my social channels, so that people know in advance there will be things on my blog even though I’m not present in these other spaces. Provide value. Make the announcement a natural ending of the post, but write the post to be about the thing itself and why it’s so helpful to disconnect for a while, and what I get out of it every time I do it. (A happy side-effect may be that more people who still haven’t join my newsletter.)
* Figure out some kind of entry and exit ritual.
* Maybe keep a special sabbatical journal? I already have a shit ton of notebooks and sketchbooks, and the thought of having another one bugs me. But I also anticipate that I will be learning a lot about myself, and that in the beginning I might not have appropriate places to categorize and store these insights, so a dedicated journal could be it.
It could be a handmade book, one where I could easily add pages if I need more, so it will be a complete volume by the end of the sabbatical, whether it’s thick or thin. Note: buy more kraft paper.
* Ask Slightly Wiser Me? I never do that. I usually ask the Wisest Me and she’s very kind, loving and encouraging, but I sometimes rebel against her. Maybe talking to a near future version of me would feel less intimidating and allow for more practical advice. Worth a shot.
Well, this was incredibly useful.
Thank you, dear Havi, for providing the space for doing this practice. I wouldn’t remember to do it on my own.
<3 <3 <3
Oh oh oh so appreciating your comment here, Nela. And your blog post too (which I just hopped over to – thanks HAVI for the link.)
It’s been a long time since I came out to play on the web with you all. I’ve been… struggling… for awhile. Needing and taking as much REST as I can.
One of the lovely things that I held on to through this recent darktime is this wonderful place and Havi’s wonderful words. I’ve been reading the posts in my email. I count myself blessed to have found this place, Havi. Following along with your journey is entirely nourishing.
Long may you reign.
Long may we all.
go easy ~p
Thank you, Pam! <3
I second the Havi-thankfulness. It's wonderful to play along here with all you gorgeous people.
Rest and take care of yourself, I hope you get much better soon!
all timing is…
where i am is…
changes and shifts around me shall be…
i can breathe in acceptance
thank you, havi
What beautiful wishes 🙂
How did the Zerkpatrick taste?
It was delicious! Not at all sweet, the peppercorn bit was subtle but present, would enjoy again!
I am remembering another agent’s words from the Floating Playground a couple of years ago, which she may not even remember now but was *profound* for me and has stayed with me ever since….
‘The truth is relaxing’.
Which I have always found to be true since that time, when I pause/paws enough to reflect on it.
The truth is relaxing. There’s nowhere to go once you’ve hit truth, so…. baby, that’s just the way it is.
Which isn’t to say it isn’t OFTEN painful and full of grief because it is, because of all the dreams that have to be released.
And yet…. non-resistance…. resting…. clarity…. truth.
These experiences are definitely connected.
Mmmmmm. <3
Thank you for the description of anchor in connection to dance. This leads me to how an anchor allows the relaxed sway of a ship, still holding the ship at rest, before the next movement into the voyage.
And for kumbaka, the reverberating white space between the breaths.
What beautiful wishes!
Butter, this is butter.
This is the space between.
Nothing is wrong with between.
Between is the water or the grass
Flowing and growing with the steady rocks anchoring it.
Sometimes between looks like lava
But really, it’s just the living room carpet.
You can stop the frantic leaping and walk to the kitchen at any time.
There is butter in the kitchen; there is always butter in the kitchen.
Sometimes you just have to move the pickle jar.
OMG. Thank you Havi. This:
Anyone in your life who says things like “did you do thing X that you were supposed to do” does not understand about All Timing Is Right Timing, and and needs to know that this is always the wrong question. A more helpful question is “Hey, just checking in, is thing X still important to you, and if so, how can I help?”
You can train the people in your life in the helpful way to ask questions, or you can invite new people into your life to replace the current ones. Either of these is absolutely valid as an option, follow your yes, as in all things.
and
All timing is right timing, and I know you have trouble believing this, so I need you to channel the part of you who knows this.
I needed this. Three years ago I committed to [X]. Now, I’m not so sure [X] is the thing I’m supposed to be doing. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not, but I’ve committed and well… everyone seems to be expecting me to finish it because that’s what I do, but I really just want to be done. And [person] and [other people] keep asking me if I did piece of [X] when I’ll do other [piece of X] because I was supposed to do it already. But… I don’t want to.
Now is not the time for that, and I don’t know if it will ever be the time for that.
X is not important to me anymore. I’m ready to leave it behind.
So, my gwish for the week. Courage to admit this and find a new path (that also, hopefully includes some sort of income).
The rest thing really resonates too. I’ve been sort of reseting — well I meant to type resting, but reseting too, this past 7 weeks, but it’s all been tinged with guilt and some anxiety over [X]. Monsters have been out in full force.
Gwishes
• Courage to find the right path
• Rest, true rest [reset?] without the anxiety and guilt.
• Puppy cuddles because they make everything better.
Cheering for you Mel, and for the courage to admit that old path is not fun anymore, and to claim the new path!
I went though a similar thing with an art project that was dragging on for 5 years, before I finally realized it’s a dead horse and I need to bury it and move on.
And it was painful to let it go.
But after that, it felt so free.
Like when you get out of a bad relationship you’re afraid to let go, and after you finally break up, you wish you’d done it sooner?
Something like that.
Good luck!
What beautiful wishes!
I had the epiphany last night about shame and feeling like I stink at trying to be a whole human – that it is rather self-centered (in the bad way). My Monsters started in with the chorus of “you have nothing to show for these past 10 years!” And I started to believe them. And then I said “really? nothing? are you sure about that?” And they stopped singing and said “well, maybe not nothing, but we are worried about your future.” Which is very reasonable.
So these are my wishes:
That putting the monsters on deck with their eyes peeled off the bow instead of the stern will keep them occupied and keep us off the rocks.
That keeping the decks swept, and the envelopes opened, will bring us the power to keep going with heads up and eyes open.
That the right shore is out there. Or at least the right flotilla to join. And that my steady consistent efforts to get there pay off soon.
havi I hope to meet you again someday. you inspire me so.
did you walk the labyrinth at the lama foundation?
ditto! the labyrinth at the mabel dodge house…
Oh all these beautiful wishes….
And they feel like hugs because so many words here BONG with truth for me.
Nela, Mel, Seagirl – I too have a huge project that has been years in the…making and unmaking. It is still with me, though it has lain dormant for almost a full year, it called to me again a few weeks ago.
I am giving it one more go. We’ll see what happens.
And the monsters…oh that chorus of monsters.
I forgot that they were monsters.
Thank you all for…clarity.
Gwishes:
– To really knowknowKNOW that All Timing is Right Timing.
– Courage
– Special clear-seeing goggles that reveal the True
Thank you all.
Glad, so glad to be back here among you.
go easy ~p
!!!!!!!!!!
Everything about this speaks true true true to me! Rest being clarity; prioritizing rest even though the Game Is Rigged and says that rest is shameful; “BE WHERE YOU ARE, and rejoice: where I am is just right”
Yes to this. Yes to all of this. Thank you.