alternate

I think a lot about parallel worlds,
an endless cascading of alternate universes, each just
oh let’s say a degree or two apart from each other
in terms of how they vary
so visiting a nearby one is no big deal,
in other words, not at all the scenario of
“oh no you stepped on a leaf
now nothing is as it was before
and the people you love suddenly don’t know who you are”
(which might be the worst thing imaginable)

what I mean is more like this:
I wake in the morning
and before my eyes open
I consciously decide that today I am going to play
in the world that is pretty much exactly like the one I know
but where I am 3% more calm and confident
where I have a little bit more of the superpower of
Oh Right I Remember That All Is Well

secret doors

then I open my eyes
because my eyes are a door
and I step into this day in this slightly-altered world
and explore

and all day I feel tingly
because I know something everyone else doesn’t:
today I’m in a different world than yesterday
getting to know what I am like
— me with this extra three percent power! —
who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll visit the me who is slightly more adventurous
and slightly more excited about change,
I can’t mess things up
because jumping worlds like this is an experiment in
endless second chances

groundhog day

today is groundhog day
my favorite adopted holiday
because it is the day of breakfast-twice
and, yes, endless second chances

it took Bill Murray’s bitter recalcitrant meteorologist
an almost suspiciously long time to realize he could choose
any kind of second chance he wanted,
and while hollywood likes to make things about moral choices, wrong or right,
there are many beautiful choices available to us that don’t necessarily involve
Doing The Right Thing, saving lives, or Finally Opening Up To Love
though sure, all those are pretty sweet

yes, doors

there are choices — let’s call them doors — towards PLEASURE
towards PRESENCE
towards WILD TINGLY DELIGHT IN ALIVENESS

I was thinking about this over Second Breakfast today,
how we get so caught up in the rigging of the rigged game,
so devoted to believing that it’s real
that we will postpone our pleasure, our good, our health
in service of crossing things off of lists that don’t actually ever end,
or trying to meet external expectations that we don’t even agree with,
or that maybe don’t even exist, just things we perceive that other
people want us to be doing

inventory

as I prepare to exit my home,
getting quiet and naming each item I own
it becomes clear that so many belongings and treasures are not in fact mine,
in the sense that they are not true yes for me-now

I hold something in my hands and ask “whose is this?” or “who is this for?”,
and very often it turns out that
this dress belongs to past-me
this book is apparently to impress people I don’t even know
this not-quite-yes cushion is about my fear of there-won’t-be-enough-of-what-I-need
this bag is about the me who likes to escape
and this thing I never use is actually for future me,
I will gladly hold onto it for her, she whispers that she is on her way
just through another door or two
but the rest can go

this literal inventory of my space — my life — has been
powerfully revealing
and intimate, and sometimes almost unbearably
uncomfortable, both the seeing and the letting-go
and, like all things that set you free,
not always fun

yesterday

yesterday I didn’t want to get out of bed
maybe because I knew the beautiful boy was leaving town (again)
and would come to say goodbye (again)

yesterday I didn’t want to get out of bed
and had to concentrate hard on the parallel world
where I want to be awake, the world where I
trust the process of life to hold me,
and then I opened door/eyes into that world
it took a while but we made it

yesterday I put myself through the paces of my daily
dance training aka learning to be a panther,
walking my eight count patterns
from eight starting points, in eight directions,
like a spiraling labyrinth compass flower
I did this for hours
and then long shavasana on the floor
emptying and emptied

set free

this was what came to me as I lay sprawled on the living room floor

SET FREE

I love how both clear and vague this is at the same time,
an instruction, an explanation, a blessing
did it mean that I am set free (yes)
did it mean that I am to set things free (yes)
did it mean that this is what all this endless
reconfiguring of endings in my life is about (yes)

set free and be set free
be set free and set free

this is the year of easing & releasing

about to become the year of echoing & reverberating
because I begin my year on leap day
or invisible-leap-day in non-leap-years,
the door into spring and adventure

easing and releasing is about setting free
what a marvelous turn of phrase
to set something sounds like a form
and free sounds like not-a-form
to set free is to cast (also form/not-a-form) off and away
into space
the place where the doors live

what do I want to set free

other than myself
it is funny that yesterday was the passage between
the month of FREEDOM (january) and this month, the month of SANCTUARY
for the longest time I believed that
I could only ever have one
safety meant relinquishing freedom
freedom meant accepting the lack of a place to land
classic bird vs tree, false dichotomy, false choice

I want to set myself free from the notion that I must choose
between safe space and adventure
I want to inhabit the world where I contain both,
where I live both, and am gloriously unconflicted about this

I want to set free whatever holds me in the
old way of thinking, whatever bits of programming and rigging
make me think I have to adhere to expectations,
conform or pay the price

what else needs to be set free?

assumptions
jumped-conclusions
old rules
or anything else I unquestioningly believe that
limits my sense of what is possible

I set it all free, imaginary red balloons,
along with my wishes
and I step into the world where my feet trust the ground

what do I know about my wish this week

this is a wish about Less
but mainly it is a wish about doors

it is a wish for ease of transition
for softening
for some peace of mind during this very difficult-for-me time
when my list each day starts with [snack/cry]
and some days it seems like that’s the only item that gets crossed off

deep breath, deep love, deep trust
open eyes, step through,
with the superpowers of sanctuary-and-freedom,
and endless second chances

now

my kitchen looks so strange with all the art gone
the only thing left on the wall is my Year of Doors calendar
with the gorgeous door of SANCTUARY

and two cards, from the playground, the retreat center I used to run,
leaning up against the kitchen counter:
one says ALL THINGS CHANGE
the other says AND ALL WAS GOOD

I am ready to live in the world where I believe that
not just in my heart and mind, but in how I live,
not just three percent
but one hundred and twenty percent
where I live the truth of this so beautifully
that it glows

superpower of safety first

february on the 2016 fluent self calendar is the door of SANCTUARY, and the superpower is safety first

I think that my trick to getting out of bed, playing with parallel worlds, is a safety first technique, as is my rule of “there is nothing wrong with going back to bed either”

to me nothing embodies self-fluency more than the principle of safety first
any form of self-exploration or healing that doesn’t start from there
is kind of violent actually
so let’s breathe this in, with endless compassion, enough to echo out
through all those parallel worlds at once

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about FREEDOM but I couldn’t say it because the R key on my keyboard wasn’t working, which resulted in a very entertaining wish called what fantastic unanticipated luckiness…

this worked out perfectly as it brought me to this week’s
wish about freedom,
and searching for “wait, how is this lucky” was very useful
in a week of hard and challenging things

do you want to hear a lovely story about that?

on thursday, I ran into an old waltz friend who was so happy to see me
that they paid my entry to the dance
then on sunday, a woman showed up to waltz brunch and was $7 short
guess how much I had in my pocket because I didn’t pay for the dance thursday
(yes, I have one pair of dance pants and no, I don’t wash them that often)
but the point is that I was set up to be the angel and cover the entry for a stranger,
and glow inside over how Fantastically Unexpectedly Lucky it all is…

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

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