the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 352nd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
such an interesting and incomplete question
as you may already know
I’m getting ready to close the fluent self shop
where we have various useful products available
for people who want to go deeper into this work of self-fluency
in addition to reading and playing with the vast library of posts
and I know a number of people have been wondering
why I’d do this
why remove income streams or potential income streams
why remove ways for people to do the work
is all that not in fact the opposite of what you want
answers
hmm okay there is a short answer to this question
but it is incomplete
there is an even shorter — the shortest! — answer
the answer of Well That’s What Is Indicated
aka I have to follow my yes even when
I don’t fully understand it
but that’s not much of an explanation
and still only a partial story
I can give longer answers
which go more into the complexities
but what I want in this moment goes beyond answers
what I want is to share with you
something sweet deep and intimate
something from the place where answers
come from
real
I am thinking about these different answers
and their relationship to each other
I am thinking about honesty and raw vulnerability
and how deeply I crave these in life
and in love
I want this to be how I am with myself
how I am with you
I want to be as real and present as possible with you
so I will share all versions of the answer
and maybe in between the words
something beautiful and true can be revealed
trust (more)
so far this year has been one ongoing exercise in trust
in love-more-trust-more
there is a big deep wild trust that is so beyond
anything I know
I’m not there yet
but I can feel it asking me to come in
and maybe part of trusting is knowing that
reasons don’t matter
and, at the same time,
I want this real vulnerable truth-moment with you,
to share my trust-process, trust it will be received with love
so I will share all the reasons
maybe some will make more sense than others
maybe taken together they will form a picture
and you will say yes, oh of course, that makes sense,
I see what you’re getting at with this new way
this new trust
where to begin
let’s start with one of the reasons and
name them until they have all been heard
roll call in the sisterhood of reasons
reasons of head, heart, internal knowing
present, present, present
breathing presence
it’s time
it’s time because
when I get quiet enough
to be a conduit for my own wise knowing
the voice says now
and it’s time in a different way
some of these products are eight or nine years old
I still stand by the material completely
there is nothing else like it
and it works
and the practice of self-fluency just is,
so I wouldn’t change the content
but so many other things have changed over the years:
my voice, how I articulate things,
and, maybe most important,
my disinclination, no, what is a stronger word for this,
the way I do not agree to present in any way as an authority or expert
because I have seen how this reinforces the rigged game
and keeps people from trusting their own wise expertise
from remembering, as each of us needs to, each day:
“oh yes of course I am the expert when it comes to me
because no one else knows as much about being me as I do!”
something else about that
there was a time several years ago
when having products was in fact an income stream
(for me, at least, probably not for most people)
but that’s long since not the case
and anyway here’s what I’ve learned from running a shop:
for the most part, if you want people to get your stuff, you also need
to give them a very immediate reason,
so the whole point of having products available gets lost…
the whole point being this:
whenever people want to dive deeper into
the work of self-fluency, they can, in that moment,
without my help,
and this supports both my ability and my motivation/desire
to show up and share process and wisdom twice a week or more
balancing out the uncompensated labor
a lovely philosophy if only it worked in practice
in that sense the shop also enables the rigged game
because it implies that this is a viable sustainable way
to run a business, which it isn’t…
sure just take 6-8 months of unpaid time to
create something fantastic
and then who knows maybe once in a while someone will purchase it
if you remind people enough times that it exists
and this is just the way of the world
well, okay that might be the way of the world but
that’s a stupid way of the world
and I don’t want to even accidentally be giving this community the message
that they should imitate something I’m doing that isn’t actually effective
I don’t want to contribute to that
I want, as you know, a new currency, one based in appreciation
and whether that beautiful quiet revolution happens in my time or not,
I am no longer willing to unintentionally be a part of the
collective misleading that says
oh you just need to make products
and get better at marketing
there is a lot more I could say about this but let’s get back to
now being the right time for this change
timing
so we have the reasons of knowing
the reasons of heart
the reasons of practical business stuff
and the reasons of ideology
(I want a business that challenges the rigging of the rigged game,
not one that supports it)
the reason of It Is Indicated and I am pretty intensely committed
to trusting that
but there’s also a reason that is very raw and vulnerable for me
which is that I need a new home
I need a new home
as I am moving out of mine of the past seven years
and require a new arrangement —
to paraphrase something my father said
“leaving the place that is your beloved home
is somewhere between challenging and traumatic
and also very expensive”
I have been learning how true this is
so I am combining two things
a) closing the shop because its time is done
and the wise inner voice that whispers “now” has spoken,
with b) raising funds because now is the time for that
a story about that!
it has taken me some time (ha, understatement)
to trust the voice that says NOW
but here is my favorite instance of this
I was walking down the street and suddenly Incoming Me said
“hey, text so-and-so about Thing X, do it now”
and I thought, “okay but I’m walking down the street,
how about we wait until we reach the corner at least”,
and Incoming Me said, “are you listening? now!”
so I stopped in my tracks
in that very moment
a bird deposited an absolutely enormous amount of droppings
exactly where my head would have been
had I taken two more steps forward
I laughed
and Incoming Me said “okay finally we’re getting better at this”
all is well
I mean, either way, in all ways, all is well
if I am the recipient of a massive load of birdshit
all is still well
and also if closing the shop does not in fact
support me in my need for a new home, then all is still well
because I am following my yes and
trusting my yes
being honest, vulnerable, real, alive
to the best of my ability in the moment
that is how I want to live
regardless of “consequences”, related or not
I want to trust in all is well
in my ability to play, laugh, listen, pause-and-wait when that is indicated,
(it so often is)
and then move forward when I feel that whispered now
be fully engaged in this thing that is life-and-aliveness
for its own sake
undoing rigging and saying yes to my yes
what happens now?
the shop is closing APRIL 8 at MIDNIGHT pacific time
so if you desire
a) truly great material to work/play with
b) to express appreciation for the amazing thing that is this space, the people here, the accumulated wisdom here, the practices, the work, the insights and epiphanies that spark here and keep on sparking…
c) to be a part of what we do here
d) to support my move to a new home
e) any or all of the above…
go to the shop which is now the Door of Releasing
and choose some treasures before they are gone
now
just signed a lease with the new tenants
who will be moving into my house come May
how is that for an act of beautiful trust
sitting in my quiet empty kitchen
so grateful for these seven years and five months
of big joy
and for this space online,
did you know that it was my VERY FIRST WISH published here
that brought me and this house to each other?
what treasure, all of it
may I remember this feeling of yes, even inside of the big unknown,
there is still big knowing for me…
knowing that I am so fortunate
to have loved (and been loved by) this home
so much sweetness, so much joy
and now it is time to trust
— big new wild trust! —
that there is more joy for me
in a new location
waiting for me to say yes
the superpower of beautifully supported
here we are in April, the month of ROOTS
and I am laughing a little
because the superpower of Beautifully Supported
is both what I need most right now
and also what I feel most right now
these calendars!
it is uncanny how what I need in a given moment
is exactly what past-me invoked for exactly right now
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called finding the ease/Es…
oh I am in awe of this wish
I’d honestly thought while writing it that ease was so far away
and yet this might be the fastest-acting wish/shift of all time
because this past week was suddenly out of nowhere
so remarkably full of ease and Es
— like excitement and energized!
and oh I love how the superpowers of the past few wishes
I Hear My Yes and listening with love
brought me to this moment right now
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
“well, okay that might be the way of the world but
that’s a stupid way of the world”
a laugh of delight and appreciation at this phrasing. and at all the times I’ve recently thought or tried to express this sentiment far less eloquently.
and a *<3* for true yeses and farewell to the shop
Planting some wishing pebbles for the week:
Steadiness o Clear Seeing o Trust o Love
o o o o
Wow, that bird poop situation was a really powerful lesson in listening. I would like some of that superpower of Gracefully Avoiding Birdshit. (it’s just one guy)
I was wondering about the why (got a sense of it from your previous updates), but also the part on how products work (or rather, fail to work) as a reliable income stream is pretty new to me, given the hype around them. Now I get why some of the people I follow online have moved away from having a permanent store, and instead do launches all the time. (Not a way of life I personally find appealing.)
My wish for this week is to find a wonderful, clear resolution with a person who I find difficult to deal with.
I really wish to find a way to run collaborative projects at a pace that is comfortable for both parties and doesn’t slide down into “OMG I’m juggling a bazillion projects at the same time because X and Y were both late, and Z has come along”, which is a reality I’m currently living.
I’m open to fun, pleasant, elegant and tactful ways to deal with this.
yes I don’t find launches (neither the launch lifestyle nor the time/energy involved) appealing at all, still thinking this through myself. I mean, I have some ideas to play with but ultimately I do have to say that probably occasional offerings is the only way to remind people that something is happening. Also I think the hype about products probably comes from back in the day (like when I started this thing eleven years ago) when there were way fewer voices out there, way fewer products to choose from, and VERY few that were any good. I launched my first product in 2006 or early 2007, a different world. Anyway, when there was less noise, if you were a thoughtful person saying cogent things and producing quality work, you had a solid chance to build a following that would support you, and products made sense because it was a way to not trade your time for money and wear yourself out. There’s so much noise now that I honestly don’t think this is a realistic game-plan anymore except for a few at the top who got in louder or climbed harder, everyone is fighting to be the noisiest, and the whole thing is just too exhausting to be around. I would love it if people would stop touting products as the answer. I don’t know what the answers are (will share if I find any good ones!) but any realistic answers are going to have to come from acknowledging the rigging of the rigged game.
And yes here’s to fun, pleasant, elegant and tactful ways though all of it! <3 <3 <3
I think everyone needs to read this comment.
And this whole post.
God yes, so much noise! Everywhere. How can Sensitive Attunement and Deep Listening occur within such noise? So exquisitely named and outed, Havi!
A kazillion sparklepoints for this, and for the lovely Door of Releasing!
My wish is for cheerful dancing with iguanas (especially this week’s), so they may be liberated in the most joyful way possible.
This wish is for everyone, not just me.
<3!
MAY IT BE SO! <3
My iguanas are perking their ears, wondering where the music coming from!
Thanks!
I am so happy to be a part of this community. <3
My wishes are on a sweet silent retreat this week. Ooh, I think they may be having a tea ceremony!
tea ceremony! T ceremony!
o.o.o.o.o
I like this month’s door a lot. (I think I say this about every door!) The moon for April is the Moon of the Open Road, which goes with Roots and Beautifully Supported far better than you’d think. (Or perhaps exactly as well as you’d think: you don’t get very far down the road if you’re not beautifully supported.)
Wishes for this week:
1. A theme song. (The Stone Skipping cards suggested this, and I think they are dead on the money.) (Excitement – something new – encouragement – rhythm)
2. A Grand Congruencing. (Space – order – freedom – clarity)
Thank you for Emergency Calm, Havi. Your information has helped me often over the years. I still refer to it and find something new.
It’s funny in a wistful way how our truths morph over time. We constantly grow, produce new cells, expand our minds. Our truths are no different.So is our transit through space and time.
Thank you for letting us know you’re changing focus.
mmm that is so beautiful and true, thank you <3
So much love for this! And love and gratitude for you!
I’ve often wondered about some of the questions you address here, and I am so happy to see you Embark on even mo’ better, more congruent adventures, and can’t wait to the True Yeses you will find. Thanks you for this work, for this space, for the play and the tools and loving attention you give us thru your work. love you dearly!
Reading your words today, I thought, “oh yes, of course the timing is right to move on” in the sense of you’re an artist. Your old(er) projects were important & necessary in your process and progress, but now you and your work are heading in a different direction.
As a fellow artist, i’ve been there many times myself.
P.S. I LOVE the poetic cadence of “roll call of the sisterhood of reasons”.
YES!!!
And, me too, I loved that sentence so much that I had to put it in the title even though it didn’t really make sense there, because it was just so lovely to say in my mouth/mind
Havi,
Your procrastination ebook was the first product of its kind I purchased, way back in 2009. It led me to lots of things, including starting my own business, which is mostly online, and which I still run to this day.
This might sound odd to say, but there’s been a lot of pain in this the past few years, since the upheaval of 2011, even though the work I do is the thing I have wanted to do for a very long time, and the business I started was one I had been preparing (at the time) to start for several years.
Marketing is fairly intolerable to me, because of the rigged game, as you say. It is easy and tempting and comfortable to get caught up in the dream of it when you are starting something new, and have the best of intentions, and you assume everyone else shares your intentions and dreams. When you find out they do not, that some of them are willful participants in the rigging – and that you, yourself may have been induced to replicate some of their games – well, to me it was a traumatic loss of innocence and belief.
For a good part of the last five years, I have been suffering the pain of this because I had to wonder, over and over again, what part I played in this rigged game and whether I was, at heart, just a bad person. Only in the past month have I come to see that I am not.
I’ve had occasion to think of you several times throughout this process, and I want you to know that your work and the inspiration you provided me was invaluable. My gut tells me, seven years and many sleepless nights later, that you have done me good, and that I’ve been able to do good for others in part thanks to you.
So, thank you.
Life is goof. I, too, am very far from 11 years ago. Never would have predicted it, never would have headed towards it.
Glad to hear that you’re still moving around on this old marble.
Congratulations, Havi, on walking the talk… listening to yourself is the highest respect you can practice.
And thank you for a lovely first introduction to the interwebs all those (8? 9?) years ago. It was a different world. But you’re still inspiring people to listen, as Rhonda Lane’s touching comment proves, and shop or no shop, you always will.
In business, in moving, and in comedy, timing is everything. Bravo on, and best wishes for, your “now.”
~GirlPie
So many reverberations. Reverberation: what a great word. It’s like resentment’s sunny-side-up twin. To feel again. To [verb] again.
I am so glad that you are talking so openly about the rigged game and so grateful that you are openly undoing the rigging, even and especially the accidental knots, the tangly snarly bits, and to have a bird shit on your head is said to be good luck, but to trust oneself, well, that is well past luck and straight on into wisdom..
There’s a lovely Burmese monk called Sayadaw U Jotika who has a talk (in English) that you might find of interest these days. It’s called “I Have No Home, My Mind Is My Home” and there’s a link to the audio file here: https://littlebang.wordpress.com/2009/03/30/i-have-no-home/.
Xoxo, S
Mmmm yes amen to all of this, here’s to reverberating! Reverb-verb-erating! <3 <3 <3
It was spring here for a week or so, and then it snowed, but the daffodils kept blooming under the white blanket and melted it away around them
so much happiness!
so much appreciation for this space!!! – <3 – o – <3 –
mmmm, I have been thinking about a wish in that under-the-surface way a few days now. I think it's about presence
and ROOTS, of course
roots are the best!
I'm going to play with how many different kinds of roots I can imagine being. and how does each one feel.
AHA!
Yes, Yes!!!!!!!!!!! A beautiful unfurling of petals of yes in the big garden of truth that is your heart. I can see you skipping joyfully to your ship with the dancing sisterhood of reasons by your side. Gigantic sails of trust are billowing, as you set sail on the sea of authenticity. Bon Voyage, Darling! We will play on the beach of our own knowing, awaiting the delightful discovery of magical bottles filled with messages from your most magnificent next adventure.
Go get em girl! I do get why you’re closing the shop. It is tiring, playing a game you hate so much. Why play? Well, we were told to, so we thought we had to. Good thoughts to you for new adventures and avoiding bird shit at every turn.
Long time. . .And your infrequent email policy is the only reason you can reach me anymore–aha!
Because six years ago or so i got just this–ack to authority, ack to marketing, ack to being an authority, and so a big fat bird-poop on web 2.0!
And it is so awesome to have a peek in at you in this place of your journey–I’m sending some good energy into your latest wish. . .
Oh, Havi, this resonates with me so much. I am currently in my own year of [Verb]ing, and it involves finishing some things, embarking on other things, percolating on still more things, releasing old parts of my identity and embracing new ones. Tweaking, reconfiguring, evolving, shifting. I’ve been pretty quiet (for me, *really* quiet) about most of it, so I think to outsiders it sometimes seems like a lot of jarring change. (Others don’t seem to notice unless I tell them what’s going on, and then they’re surprised. Hmm.)
One person recently asked me when I would next do [X], and I replied that [X] is no longer part of what I do. (Cue the Sisterhood of Reasons!) They were shocked. They told me that my decision was “really sad.” And that threw me for a loop, because for me the decision has been joyful, freeing, exciting, adventurous. It hit me that while it might not be intentional on the other person’s part, what they saw as “sad” was the loss of their access to something they thought would always be there. (And maybe “sad” that I made a decision without consulting their opinion?) They were in their stuff, and it reminded me that the person most likely to be Wildly Happy For Me and my choices…is me. So now I’m putting up more bunting to welcome that future self I have been preparing for…she is Joyfully Unapologetic, and I am so excited for her to get here.
I am also so excited for you, and whatever lies ahead on your journey. Thank you for providing us with your voice, your ideas, your perspective, all these years. Whatever you might choose to share or create in future, I’ll be listening, and smiling.
During my last round of therapy 18 months ago, I realized my Life’s Purpose is to… Be Myself.
It didn’t take long before I backed away from that idea. It was too *small*. It was too *selfish*. It was too… weird.
In those 18 months, i’ve been gathering data, evaluating it, experimenting. Thinking about all of it.
Slowly, slowly, i’ve come to realize I’m facing a Doorway. There’s a whole other world waiting for me. A world where me-being-me is right and joyful. And necessary before I can X.
Am I ready to discover X? To discover myself? Discover a new world?
YES.
YES!!!
Thank you for this illuminating post, Havi.
I’m wishing for a new job. One that actually suits me, now that I know more about who “me” is.
May it be so! <3
Adventure on!
Dearest Havi,
Sending you a big hug and vibes of support…reading this post, it rings me up with reasonance and I thank you for sharing.
<3 <3 <3