It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday, for this space, for being here when we get here.}
I realized this week that it seems kind of weird to say Chicken 366 as if we are assigning a number to a being, when in fact it is the 366th week that we are engaging in a process. So. Experiments in title format.
What worked this week?
Having a PROTOCOL.
When I found myself surrounded by internal monster-hordes at five am, all shouting reasons to not skip trapeze class, but also reasons about why going would be disastrous, I didn’t know what to do.
I couldn’t hear what I really wanted or needed. It was kind of terrifying.
But then I remembered the PROTOCOL: Apply Extreme Self-Care Immediately!
So I went back to bed, and slept for three delicious hours in a cocoon of sweet healing permission, and when I woke up, I knew that not going to trapeze was the most loving and respectful thing I could have given my body that day.
Ah, that’s why there’s a protocol. Even if, in the moment when I remembered the protocol, it felt vague and fuzzy and I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant. I was still able to ask, “How do I best take care of myself?”. So here’s to protocols, and all the superpowers of intentionally and powerfully Going Back To Bed.
Next time I might…
Not let the monsters write the titles to my blog posts.
I want to apologize to you guys. Last week I wrote a chicken called “Joining the circus is not a viable option”. And I was completely wrong.
That was my monsters writing the title, and we had a good meeting, and they have now retired from all forms of copywriting.
There are so many wonderful ways that I was wrong!
For one thing, a friend of mine told me that she had directed her friend to this blog, and then her friend decided to quit their job and JOIN AN ACTUAL CIRCUS. Wow! Can you even imagine the joy and wild delight I feel at having even theoretically played a tangential part in this marvelous and inspiring story?!
And then Vicki commented that her brother had joined the circus even though he couldn’t trapeze, and he fed the elephants. She pointed out that not everyone in the circus performs — you can cook, you can do maintenance, you can contribute, there are LOTS of ways to join the circus.
Of course! I was just in a state of self-directed monstering, and also suffering from the cultural thing about how you supposedly have to (especially if you’re a woman) be self-deprecating and self-critical all the time. What a great reminder that my monsters don’t get to title my posts.
And the title of my upcoming Biopic if it were based on this week…
Oh, cool! What else might I be wrong about? The Havi Brooks Story.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- I don’t think my body has ever hurt so much as it did after trapeze. All week. So many unhappy muscles! I got emergency massage and emergency Feldenkreis and spent ninety minutes in a floatation tank, and still could barely even dress myself this week. Between the physical discomfort and the frustrations of learning to love my unique pace of learning, it was rough. A breath for easing and releasing, the theme of this year.
- My lover is a natural athlete who just launches himself into any new challenge with grace, agility and fearlessness. Oh, and then immediately excels at it. Racing motorcycles, breakdancing, parkour, whatever — if it’s impossible and terrifying, he’s good at it. I admire this tremendously! And I had Ludicrous Fear Popcorn all week because now he knows I cried my way through remedial trapeze, while not physically able to get on the trapeze. Clearly (say the monsters), he will want to trade me in for someone much more impressive/courageous. One assumes this imaginary upgraded version of me is a successful hip hop dancer who does extreme triathlons for fun and rides a unicycle to her incredibly meaningful job. A breath of love for small me who forgets how to trust life and stirs imaginary comparison stew. And a breath of laughter, because while Ludicrous Fear Popcorn is always legitimate, it is also always ludicrous and therefore funny.
- The third or fourth heat wave of the summer. Enough is enough. A breath for taking this as a Redirection. Let’s find somewhere to live that is not 102 degrees Fahrenheit (39 Celsius), because that is too much. Or, alternately, let’s find somewhere with air conditioning.
- Oh, the patterns. Oh, the stew-stirring. Oh, the forgetting to be gentle with myself. As I said last week: Loving yourself as you are is not for the faint of heart. A breath of deep permission and acknowledgment for being who I am, as I am, where I am, right now, in this moment, with all that this entails.
- Lots of trouble (or the perception of trouble!) with accessing my True Yes this week. A breath for trust and for reducing input.
- Oh hello, late thirties monster-driven identity crisis: What do I want to be doing? Where do I want to be doing it? A breath for all the big questions, and for not needing answers yet, and for taking exquisite care of myself while I explore.
- Taking care of my body with its aches and pains and [alternatively-abled learning] is expensive and time-consuming, and I just want to hide in a lovely bath and not have to do anything or worry about anything, and just watch cop shows and eat peanut butter. A breath for this wish.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I said this last week and I will say it again: I am the bravest person in the entire world! I recovered from TRAPEZE! I spent ninety minutes floating in a dark isolation tank! I went to the super hard hip hop class that is supposedly easy but it isn’t! I told people what I wanted and needed! I tried new things! I went back to bed! A breath for saying GOOD JOB, BABE.
- My big wish/intention this week was I Advocate For Myself Joyfully! And I did. And amazing things happened as a result. I was able to give people really specific information about how I learn, what I need, how they could help. And instead of thinking that was incredibly annoying (which was the monster-fear), they were delighted to have that information. A breath for radical honesty, radical sovereignty, and for the magic of what is supportive for me is actually good for everyone involved.
- My beautiful lover, who somehow just radiates warm, sweet loving acceptance towards me at all times. And thinks I’m brave. Go figure. We are sweet and hot and magical together, and I feel this intense spilling-over-of-joy when I think about him or feel him thinking about me. A breath for this full and happy heart, and immense gratitude for this thing I didn’t even know I wanted.
- Somehow everything that needed to get done this week got done. It seemed impossible but it happened. I credit the Monster Manual, which helped with everything, and the Secret S-Word Society. Oh, and the Sail of YARD got canceled due to rain, and that turned out to be perfect, because it allowed me to discover that this had not been my true yes. A breath of wonder and thank you.
- So much joy and healing and joyful healing this week! I explored mysteries! I had beautiful dreams and extraordinary naps. I uncovered memories in the floating tank and in hypnosis (which is its own kind of floating tank), and understood things I hadn’t understood before. I learned about my body and about next steps, and practiced Wild Uninhibited Gentle Self-Forgiveness. I felt immense gratitude for Shmita where I am committed to giving myself the time to just be instead of making and doing. A breath for the fruits of Quiet Undoing.
- Had an absolutely phenomenal dance lesson where I got to practice being a Relaxed Panther, which is my new favorite thing. A breath for receiving this treasure in the moment I was ready to receive it.
- This was, again, and I don’t even know how this is happening, just a beautiful week for me. I felt light, bubbly, joyful, hopeful, full of life and aliveness. A breath of immense appreciation for all of this.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Lovely glass bottle. Favorite rug. Marisa texted me from the Land of Math. I remembered that Asking For What I Want is a huge success, whether I get it or not. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I took exquisite care of myself. I planned a secret op. I heard and asked (and even answered) the scary questions. Calling that a successful mission, and I now award myself a hundred billion sparklepoints. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I wished for the superpower of Releasing In Love Because I Do Everything From Love. And, incredibly enough, this is exactly what happened.
I also had the superpower of catching an unlikely bus, make of that what you will.
Powers I want.
I want the superpowers of Beautifully Anchored, Deeply Trusting, and, of course, I am a Powerful Slinky Very Relaxed Panther.
The Salve of Radical Self-Acceptance or: Me As I Am.
So often I find myself wishing I was something I’m not (someone who would want to hang upside down from silks, or go backpacking in the mountains for ten days), and I forget that what I REALLY want in life is to love who I am, how I am, as I am, and not try to wish myself into being someone or something else.
When you rub this salve into your skin, there is a tingling peppery-sweet something, and then you are in this moment, meeting yourself, and suddenly noticing and appreciating all the lovely bits about your you-ness, your suchness.
You hug yourself tightly and say “hey, babe, here we are, I’m not going anywhere, I’m with you for this wild ride, and you, as you are, you are good and you held in love by me, right now and always.”
Or maybe what you say is different, and said in an entirely different way! People Vary and you are your own person. That’s just what this salve glowed through me. Whatever it glows through you will be good too.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from me trying to high five my brother via text, which didn’t work at all. The band is called HUGH FIVE. They are a five piece doo wop band composed of Hugh Grant impersonators who do sort of an awkward british take on the Jackson Five. They do solo scat bits that are basically just shy self-deprecating stammering to a beat. Their latest album is I Just David Copperfielded Myself. And not sure how this works, but it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS. Special CARE PACKAGES this week!
The marvelous Monster Manual is how I got through this week and was able to hear my YES again.
And if you want, you can get this with a Fluent Self Care Package, because I just made two Care Packages on the theme of Everything Is Okay.
They contain clues, Marvelous Reassurance, at least one squooshy companion for whatever you’re working on, and inspiring, calming Playground goodness. They should help very much with whatever you’re working on. And you get either the Monster Manual & Coloring Book (basic version) or the Art of Embarking course, whichever you like. That way you have techniques along with Playground magic.
Price: $76 for care package and ebook/course. I will cover shipping in the continental United States, otherwise ask the First Mate for a shipping estimate. Either way, email the First Mate if you want one!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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You ARE the bravest! I mean trapeze and hip hop class and then a flotation tank – not your grandma’s idea of a good time (not that I have anything against grandma style fun, I do that often enough…)
I’d so like to try out a flotation tank, but the nearest one to me is in Italy.
My week was just oh man, so much work my whole body aches from all the sitting in front of the computer.
I want to build my career into something that doesn’t require me to sit and stare at the screen so much.
The upside is I got so much work done both for clients and my shiny new website and I get up all excited every morning even though I haven’t slept enough and I’m definitely not a morning person.
Also, wearing a nice summer dress made everything better.
What a beautiful salve! From within this 366th Chicken I located a new salve for myself (Wild Uninhibited Gentle Self-Forgiveness). Together with Me As I Am, there is nothing I cannot release and therefore, endless room to embrace. Thank you, Havi!
<3 *Breathes out*
A thousand thank yous for this beautiful salve! I was doing some full moon magic on this very theme earlier.
Hard stuff:
1. Biopsy is a scary word. It just is. Probably everything is fine. I just won’t know for sure until about two weeks from now.
2. Someone I love has been in his stuff and in a lot of emotional pain.
Good stuff:
1. Absolutely fabulous cheese ravioli, absolutely free, with mushrooms and spinach and grape tomatoes.
2. Wonderful music therapy clients.
3. We’re going to the beach! For a week! OCEAN!
I now invoke the superpower of Clear Sailing. Sending love and fair wimds to all Chickeneers…
>> It just is.
*nodsnodsnods*
I’m so glad that you’re getting a week of ocean!
Hello, Friday! Hello, Havi! Hello, fellow chickeneers!
This week, I am not separating out good and hard.
Hardgood and Goodhard:
– It is Beartime, and never have I embraced the *potential* of Beartime, which is release, rewilding, and redirection, as deeply as I did this week. In fact, I went to someone who said he could help my PMS and while I’ve had very difficult and painful times this week and while I understand that “help PMS” secretly means “become even better and more graceful at release, rewilding, and redirection,” I am so amazingly *grateful* for the gifts of Beartime generally and this one in particular that I’m having a lot of resistance to the idea it might be made to go away. At any rate, I have been letting go in a way I normally do not and I have been redirecting and rewilding in a way I normally do not, and though it’s involved screaming and saying hurtful things to myself and my love and being very uncomfortable, I am also very grateful for it. And I’m grateful for my love, who is very good with this kind of thing most of the time. Nothing like having a calm center around which to tempest.
– Speaking of my love, when I first met him he told me that anger is a good thing, because when it is clean it sweeps out to your boundaries, clearing your space and declaring “I am.” I thought he was crazy, but I watched him do just that (sometimes, I mean sometimes it’s messy anger that festers and comes out sideways just like all my anger always is) and I have aspired for years to learn how. Lately I have done several things, including:
a. Telling someone they were blocking the bike lane rather than stewing about “everyone getting in my way” and “woe is me no one respects my space.”
b.) Telling someone that they were smoking in the only no smoking area on campus aka the one area of campus I would be able to breathe if anyone respected the no smoking signs. She continued smoking, but I still felt a million times better for having said something. (All I said was: “hey, this is actually a non-smoking area. There’s a sign you’re leaning against.”) Maybe she was having the worst day ever and had to smoke and had to smoke there. I don’t know. But I, someone who can’t even sit by someone who’s been smoking without getting a headache and starting to wheeze, exist too. And I get to say stuff about that.
c.) And then yesterday after listening for 30 minutes while a sophomore talked about how his friend with a “fucking useless degree like ANTHROPOLOGY could get a job, so even braindead business majors will manage to get a job. I mean if someone who studied something as stupid and useless and ANTHROPOLOGY can get a job, then we should have no trouble…” etc. I said “Hey, this is the nearest seating area and to the anthropology department so a lot of us majors sit here, and you just might want to keep that in mind.” And then the other lady listening said “yeah, I’m an anthropology major, too.” I feel… great about this one, actually – really clean and calm and like it was exactly what my heart wanted to do in the moment. I *think* that I must have been secretly more triggered than I knew and that this isn’t a worthy thing to correct someone about and… well monsters have opinions. But even if what the monsters think is true, I am experimenting with a way of being where I say “I am! I exist!” I get points for that even if my experiments are sometimes failures. I get points for trying it without feeling like there’s a “rule” on my side, like no smoking or no leaving your car door open in the bike lane. This was just about me and my sense that I exist.
And in each of these three cases, no one attacked me or yelled at me or followed me. I was able to leave cleanly and happily and feeling safe. Nor did I yell or sound or look angry (that I’m aware of) while I said any of them. I very much doubt I ruined any of their days, though I’ll admit I don’t have data on that. So all of that is very reassuring.
– I’m also noticing myself more able to handle a lot of situations that require some varying amount of declaring I-exist. This week by rights I should have been under a blanket shaking and crying basically the entire time because I had to do a lot of things I hate, like going to doctors, and calling lots of people, and driving through rush hour, and finding places I’ve never been before, and showing up to appointments late, and making appointments, and having my blood drawn, and fasting, and grocery shopping, and facing three different experiences that would normally trigger my abandonment like *crazy*. I handled them like I imagine a somewhat tired and anxious “normal” person would, and not someone for whom any one of these experiences is THE WORST. So yay for me.
– Of course, I’m currently getting emails from two separate people who are in their stuff about money, about something to do with *my* money which I believe is none of their business, and I am having a giant (internal) tantrum about it full of plans to literally never speak to either of them again because I’m certain no one is going to survive how angry I am and if they keep sending me emails literally ordering me to do things that are in no way their business to tell me to do then of course the anger is going to come up and “I can’t ever make them stop emailing me so maybe I just should stop having an email address and get rid of my phone and…” So there’s still work to be done on the pattern. I don’t have to be ready to go from kindergarten to high school in just one month.
– I’m having a very difficult transition to the adult world of…well, who “I am,” right? It’s all about identity here, all the time. And this week I had a very difficult clarity about one aspect of that pattern (rooted in my arrogance. Fun to find out you don’t want to commit to anything because you secretly judge everyone and want to feel better than them), and then a dream that showed me where the pattern began in my life and what the dilemma is. Then some reading in the class I hate, of all places, was about exactly this problem, and then I had another dream where I got to take a few steps forward on it. Really beautiful steps to redress this part of my past that was all wrong for me – I love how dreams can sometimes let you go back and rewrite your past in a way that feels very real, and I love how sweet it feels to have done that. Plus I got on the crazy hippy healing device and let all *kinds* of stuff go. Encouraging! Even fun! In a kind of hard way.
– Even though I had been up until 2 am and then up again at 6, and even though I forgot to bring the 12 pages of forms I’d carefully filled out, and even though I left late, and even though I then went to the wrong place, and even though by the time I arrived I was literally shaking… I made it to the doctor! And he spent two hours talking to me and examining me and ordering all kinds of tests and now I am in an interesting place of knowing that I am probably quite sick from at least three “incurable” diseases, but that all of them can be significantly helped and so I can probably stop feeling so incredibly awful all the time. Turns out I have literal, verifiable, physical signs of something that’s wrong with me. Like, a lot of them. And I kind of knew that, but also I had been kind of avoiding the information.
So several things are going on for me:
1. I’m really respecting all the emotional and spiritual work I’ve done to get to a place where I can even look at the mess my body is in, and for all the surrendering of my “work ethic” and other self-disconnection that caused this mess and which this mess is helping me learn to release.
2. I have some amazing healing tools on my side, of which this doctor is only one, and so I have great hope in the face of “incurable.”
3. But then there’s ludicrous fear popcorn that I’ll get too better before I can schedule all the tests, and then I’ll be told I’m crazy and there’s no helping me. Or really, it’s mostly just the idea of being rejected for my experience, for literal things existing in my body that are seen for the first time and then deemed somehow unacceptable. Being witnessed is a fraught experience for me, and right now a lot of experts are peering into lots of parts of me.
4. I get one thousand million sparklepoints for going to the doctor (by myself) and asking questions and staying engaged the whole time instead of lapsing into victimhood or abandonment patterns, and for then keeping self-connected for the rest of my day even though the doctor wasn’t the only stressful thing going on and I had no way of contacting the people in my life who usually calm me down.
5. I’m scared because I’ve always thought all my little abnormalities like scary low blood sugar and blood pressure were secretly super healthy because isn’t it high blood sugar and high blood pressure you have to worry about? But now I’m looking at diseases that cause infertility, despite very much wanting more kids and very much not wanting them right now (ie I need to stay fertile into my thirties), not to mention a much bigger risk of simply DYING SOONER. Of completely unromantic things like diabetes and heart disease. This is hard.
6. I decided to “research it all” on the Internet, which is when I *purposefully* pull a bunch of other people’s stuff into me as if this will help anything and then I feel awful.
7. I had to switch to a full paleo diet with *one* day’s warning. I did ask if I could take my time and was told it was that urgent. And as much as I like to “eat healthy,” other than lack of sweeteners, my diet is much more theoretically healthy than actually healthy and now it has to be paleo *and* every meal needs to be 2/3rds vegetables with at least 1/3rd of those being a brassica. Again, I really only like to eat vegetables when they’re theoretical and/or doused in dairy-based condiments… So this is an adjustment. And I already feel a lot better, though I’ve been having some crazy detox symptoms and also I’m having to be very kind to the parts of me who are afraid we’re about to starve because “there’s always more rice,” has morphed into “how does one cook this stuff?” and “how much do I need to eat?” and “how do I tell I’m hungry? I feel both starving and full right now…”
– I am setting up a schedule that seems untenable again. And I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through or what needs to give (if anything). Maybe I’ll just mysteriously have the strength? I did last time, but then I crashed pretty spectacularly. And I’ve scheduled crash time for September…but September is a ways away… I am breathing the trust one gains when they leap and the net doesn’t appear and they fall for three years and learn that falling, while awful, is survivable. Not an experience I am usually grateful for, but it has finally given me a certain amount of steadiness. Though I am also breathing into the possibility of magic, based on experiences that are much less painful.
– My phone died this morning in the midst of my second intense dream, and then I was so anxious (because I had like ten people to call today, and my husband’s phone is lost in the mail so now we have no phones and this feels dangerous) that I couldn’t go back to sleep. And yet this is a very nice gift because it means I get three days off from having to call the people without berating myself for having avoided it, and I get no scary Internet stories in the palm of my hand. Also I got up and used the crazy hippy healing contraption and that was a very good thing to do at 5am this morning and *then* everyone was awake at 7 so we went to the park just as the day was starting to get too hot and thus were not stuck inside breathing air conditioning all day.
So that’s this week. Plus many adorable toddler stories, because she has been spectacular and brilliant and I don’t understand how someone can be so very lovable and how I can be so lucky to have her in my life.
So yes. A moment to acknowledge scariness of writing so much truth. To center in Truth is okay and I exist and I say I exist.
<3 to all.
Wow, Rhiannon! A thousand billion sparkle points for you! You are inspiring.
~o~
and
<3
hugs and flowers! so much scary!
This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life; I’ve posted a lot about it on the Swoop and in the Floop Groop and I’ve started posting about self care on the Floop Coop because it’s been really easy to set aside my needs in favor of dealing with some aspect of the Thing.
Hard: Being in limbo. Insensitivity from certain persons whose job it is to help. Telling people and re-experiencing my own shock when I see/hear/feel theirs. Feeling unsupported by family members because we couldn’t reach them and didn’t know why they weren’t responding to our messages.
What helped: Declaring Wednesday a “drop-out day” where we did nothing that had to do with the Thing. Knowing about the grieving process and using what I know. The outpouring of love, kindness, and support — including so many from the Fluent Self-sphere. Finally, just today, getting things set for a memorial service for the Boomerang Boy, and finally hearing from some of those relatives.
Also remembering to take refuge in the mundane, doing normal things to stay grounded, holding onto each other.
Oh V. Flowers and breaths and all the things to care for yourself and to feel cared for.
<3 <3 <3 amen for remembering to take refuge in the mundane, what a beautiful description of a thing that is important and true
“Drop out days” make things more bearable, especially when Too Much, and/or Too Much Scary/Hard is swirling all around.
Hope you find what helps you get through this.
<3 in awe of you as always, Vicki. Lighting a candle for you here.
This was my birthday week, and it mostly kinda sucked. To the extent that I almost feel like I didn’t even have a birthday this year, which is bad because I love my birthdays, and look forward to them.
Gearing up to do a hard thing, which is extra challenging because it’s a First Step in what will likely be a long process, so I don’t expect the First Step to go well. More difficult to get motivated to do a Hard Thing that likely won’t feel like a resounding success, when my life hasn’t had a resounding success in so long I think I’ve forgotten what they feel like.
<3 wishing you good birthday healing
There should be a manual some fairy godmother hands everyone for the late 30s thing. Started way back when by the Eighties Ladies and refined/added to over the decades. There are so many challenges beyond the obvious turning 40 part that I found out were very common in that time of life but nobody talked about unless I brought it up and sort of interviewed them. Common rhythms, patterns. Still erased from the books 🙁 I think because it is a super powerful time, for me it was. Like it is very common to distance from/lose all one’s friends mid-thirties and then be like, what??? I never even heard of this until I hit that age then it was all around me. Other things too.
Ooh! YES. I want to read this manual! That is fascinating and now I am feeling both reassured and curious. Thank you. <3
This would be my contribution to that book:
Looking back from age 60, I find that my best years were 40 to 60. Even though I had all the doubts and insecurities and old patterns, I also had experience *and* experiences to draw on; I could speak with confidence and be listened to; and people did not overlook me the way they did when I was younger and a “cute little thing”.
Before 40 was like an apprenticeship, and then I gradually moved into mastery, with the changes in my late 30’s and early 40’s being sort of a time of being a journeyman. “Journeyman-ship”? Is there a word for that? Forty to sixty were the years that I had the most impact in my professional and personal associations.
I’ve read that as people age, they become invisible, so from 60 on I may be overlooked again, but I take hope from the fact that the Baby Boomers are getting old and are still active, still a powerful force in the culture and, because of them, 60 to 75 may be another stage of power and presence for me.
VickiB ~
Apparently, the stars and the planets are all lining up to encourage this ‘moving into Mastery’ time, too – whether we’re ready to or not. <3,
There could be one of those manuals for every decade after 30, too! Not a “this is how it’s *going* to be” but “here’s some (experiences and emotions) that *may* come up… so you’re not completely blind-sided…”
Oh, wait – there is: it’s called “talk to your Aunts and Uncles (or somebody else’s)…
<3
I had a week of Lessons in Balance. it was all about contrast. it started with no job, three very tentative very tiny sweet things and no clue what's next. i felt free but anxious and frustrated.
as it ends, I have long-term engagements for more paid work than I need, two websites in the making, a comedy routine and a binder of finished paperwork. i feel secure and excited but trapped.
and so it goes, the search for balance.
I am thinking of a pendulum, swinging many times until it finally settles in the center. And it's okay, as long as it doesn't get stuck, it is going to settle down in the end and all I have to do is observe.
I am also thinking that of course there are is no such thing as a fall or misstep or stagger. It's all just Lessons in Balance.
i am thankful for all the intel, the hard (stomachache and brainfog, need for downtime vs. 12 hour shifts, fear, language barrier so much bigger than expected, smug people being patronizing), the delightful (knitting, surprises, the magic of fractal flowers, the high that comes with trusting the process, not having a boss).
-o- -o- -o-
“It’s all just Lessons in Balance” <3<3<3
For the coming week, I would like the superpower of Compassionate Listening to work its magic in tandem with the superpower of Honoring My Boundaries. The superpower of a physician tending to people during a plague while staying healthy enough to continue being a healer.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Yeah for floating, drop out days, fairy godmother manuals and so much more, thanks to everyone for the nest created by all the chicken posts.
So here comes my Sunday chicken with
first the hard:
– Sudden intense bouts of melancholy about long holidays that are coming to an end
– I wanted hermit time this weekend, gave it to myself, but ended up feeling intensely lonely for parts of it.
– Holidays gave me glimpses of things that I would like to see incorporated into my life on various levels and I don’t feel brave enough to take the steps that would take me into those directions
– Togetherness time so short again
– Sneaking back to work for a couple of hours before the official start and having a monster sneak back with me.
And now the good:
– In total my holidays have been wonderful, despite the excruciating heat in the last place I stayed at.
– Friendship time
– The discovery of TRE (tension & trauma releasing exercises) – shake it, baby!! The guy who invented this method will be in Portland on 12th August and he must be so amazing and I would love to be there. Gratefulness to the woman who made me discover this and who gave me four wonderful sessions.
– The bliss of cool nights after the return from the place of super heat
– Our little office crowd happy to be reunited again
– My neighbours
Oooh! Big sparks! Thank you for sending me to TRE! I went this afternoon, and it was fantastic. Will try to attend his lecture thing too. Blowing kisses to you
So glad to hear, crazy and amazing experience, isn’t it!
Morning! Invoking amnesty! Moving slow today.
what worked this week: excellent self-care, working thru the list, slowing down.
sucks are minimal this week:
-my cobalt blue vase was broken this week. it was a gift from one of massage shcool peeps, 20 years ago. so sad
-husband had an awful week at work, including 30 straight hours in the office from friday to sat afternoon
-feeling ungrounded in groups of strangers.
-part of self-inquiry, and leveling up, is not comfortable. part of biggifying is not comfortable. so many feels and monsters and stuff
-in my stuff
-beign White Flowers makes it more shameful to fail at white flowers the following day.
-waking up with a migraine, and all the joy that ensues
so many Sparkles!:
-my kids came home from their visit to FLA
-i am finding the joy with them, the ability not to freak about stuff.
-so many things to be grateful about
– Ops are revealing a lot
-praxis is strong
-went to Lugh rituals, brought my own cutting board and knife. Adulting achievement level unlocked.
Sunday chicken! This seems to be the way that this week is set up.
The hard:
– occasionally feeling like I Ought to be doing something
– obnoxious loud drunk people
– actually I am not so good at festivals. Glad I did this one, but I will not do another one
The good:
– clever Past Me setting up two whole days of nothing
– a lovely, lovely wedding
– two new dresses for what I’d vaguely budgeted to spend on one
– ah yes, grown-up hand-bags
– JOAN BAEZ
– and Rhiannon Giddens, whom I’d never heard of and who is absolutely brilliant
– also, Peggy Seeger
– moreover, Peggy Seeger complimented me on my hat
– I have mostly been good at noticing when I need to get out of places and then getting out of them
– it has been a fantastic holiday, hurrah!
Hi chickeneers – Me again. You might guess why I’m back. Same reason I always come back to Havi’s blog after a long time away — I need healing. Today found myself in a familiar old place – like I need a shell around me. I’m bundled up right now like it’s winter, including hiking socks, and it was 80+ degrees today. I just wanna feel cozy and safe. These clothing choices are helping, so now I need to add the salve of “me as I am” so I can accept this loving gesture without judgment.
I don’t know why I don’t stick with my self-care and self-kindness. (okay, not totally true, I have some ideas, and one is related to not wearing this week’s salve in recent months).
I get serious about self-care, when I crash and have to rebuild, but once I rebuild and reestablish my sense of wellness, it’s like I eventually cut off the safety net and start flying solo…which always ends badly because without my self-care and self-kindness, I always wind up pushing myself too hard and then become so sensitive to my surroundings and relationships that I wind up crashing and having to start from the low-feeling place I find myself in. So that’s where I am tonight. Feeling worn down and needing to be revived. Hmm. Revive. Revive. Revive. I like it.
Difficult:
So many monster thoughts toward myself and immediate family. I miss feeling loving.
Such a lack of feeling rested even after sleeping for 10 hours.
Blessings:
$0 for prescriptions, thanks to insurance
Bills are paid for this month
These cozy clothes in the middle of summer
This relaxing music I’m playing from Spotify
Hot soup made just for me
The TV isn’t on
Reading Havi’s blog tonight
Deeper connection with a new friend
Being able to comfort a long-time one
Peaceful thoughts about my mortality
Breath goes in and out without any effort on my part
Reminders to be nicer and gentler with me – to appreciate and respect my sensitive system
Sigh. Inhale Exhale. Thank you difficult and thank you blessings. Now I begin again with caring for and being kind to me.
Also, maybe i spend time letting go of the judgments I have toward myself about not sticking with my self-care better. I am where I am. Without a story about it, I can just be here and take the next loving step for myself.
That feels much better.
<3 + resonance! I'm pretty sure I've never met anyone who can just stick with self-kindness and self-care! I hope to one day become a person who does that automatically, not holding my breath though. Which is good, because holding my breath would not be kind to myself. :)
Ahhhh. So true! I don’t really know anyone who is good at self-care ALL the time, either. Definitely helps to let myself off the hook and just meet myself where I am. Thank you, sweet Havi. <3
Relaxed Panther! Goodness, how apropos!
I am deeply pleased with this whole chicken so thank you. :)))
It’s odd, because I rarely comment, but I read:
“I am the bravest person in the world! I recovered! I went to the super hard class! I went back to bed! GOOD JOB, BABE.” and my first thought was “g’on yersel'”, which where I come from is broadly synonymous with “excellent work! I applaud you and aspire to follow in your footsteps, brave trend-setter!”. With a side order of “I am somewhat in awe”.
THANK YOU. My secret wish this week was actually, I kid you not, “I need someone to be somewhat in awe of me right now so that I am able to remember that this is all actually kind of impressive”, so this is perfect. Thank you. <3