I was at the Great Ducking Out last week, projectizing a project.*
* A project of the kind one avoids because it is so very dear to one’s heart..
And about twenty minutes in, bam! I hit the first wall.
Well, I thought it was a wall.
But then when I got closer, it turned out to be a conglomeration of fuzzball monsters, all wringing their hands and grumbling in unison.
I couldn’t tell what they were grumbling about — just chaotic hubbub. A mob of worry.
So I stopped to listen. Grumble thrum grumble thrum don’t do it don’t do it.
Confronting the Grumble Thrum Collective.
Me: Whoah. Hey, conglomeration of monsters. What’s going on, guys? Can I help?
Monsters: We’re not monsters! We’re editors!
Me: Oh, is that right? Well, I don’t mind a little red pen here and there, but that sounded like a lot of grumble-thrumming. What’s the deal?
Monsters: Hrmmmmmmmmmm.
Me: Oh? Really? You don’t want to talk about it?
Monsters: No, we totally want to talk about it. We just don’t know where to start.
Finding out what is true.
Me: Nu?
Monsters: Okay. It’s kind of like this:
If you write this, you will be different.
Me: Yes, that’s true. In one sense, it is true. Writing this will change me. Of course I will also still be me. A stronger me who has more certainty about this. But me.
Monsters: That’s good. We like the idea of a more confident and happy you.
Me: You do?!
Monsters: Yes, but we don’t want confident to turn into cheeseball. Stupid writerly things. Don’t do them. Just be yourself. No cutesy titles. Make it more like you.
Me: Okay, that’s legitimate. What else?
Monsters: You are still going to be kind, right? But you’re also going to be snarky and not too kind, right?
And getting to the fear.
Me: Of course. That’s a given.
Monsters: So you are kind and confident and sometimes funny-mean. But not cheesy and not predictable and not boring.
Me: Yes. I am committing to that.
Monsters: Do you want to know what we are really afraid of?
Me: Uh, yes. Of course I do.
Monsters: You are REALLY SPECIAL. But you’re also a total kook wackopants. Is the world ready for that? What if they stifle you? Or mock you? We are having outsider complex!!!!
Me: You’re right. I am rather special. And you are right that some people won’t get it. And that some people will have no context for it. And that maybe some of my goofiness will get toned down.
But all of those things are okay. This new project will be different and special and I can do it. So let me try. Let’s see what happens.
Monsters: We fear rejection! We fear what will happen to you. What if you get rejected and shut down and then you never try again?
Deluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusional!
Me: There’s really no way that can happen.
Monsters: You’re deluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusional!
Me: Listen. The project we are currently projectizing is going out to people who have already vocally expressed interest in it.
Monsters: If they change their mind?
Me: Many people are interested. This is doable. And it’s important. And anyway, the me who shuts down isn’t here anymore. She willingly chose to retire and live in a safe room, remember?
I am not going to shut myself down. But I appreciate that you want me to be safe. That’s very sweet of you.
Monsters: That’s all we care about.
Me: I know, guys.
Monsters: So can we have a Letter of Reassurance?
The Letter of Reassurance.
Me: I don’t know. Possibly. What would it say?
Monsters: It would say grumble thrum grumble thrum.
Me: Wait, what?
Monsters: It would say:
DEAR MONSTERS, EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. WE’RE DOING THIS IN A SUPER SECRET NO-REJECTION WAY AND BEING SAFE. THE END.
Me: Seriously? That would work? You’re kidding.
Monsters: That’s what it should say.
Me: Okay then, let’s get out the magic markers. Anything else?
Monsters: Helper mice. You need helper mice. And metaphor mouse. And your friends. And a new chair. And yoga. And nothing that makes you itchy.
And then I agreed and they all scurried off, and I went back to working on my thing.
Of course, we still weren’t done.
This was the first of many monster conversations over the course of the Rally (Rally!).
Those conversations had negotiators and also (for the most part) made more sense. But I think this one was the most entertaining.
And yes, I’m pretty sure that the Grumble Thrum Collective is just one guy.
And … comment zen in the comment blanket fort for today.
All this talking to monsters is hard. It just is.
I have an advantage here, which is years of practice. This stuff takes time. Sometimes they won’t play. Sometimes they are so mean that we can’t bear to be around them (which is why we need negotiators and/or the coloring book).
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff.
It’s a process, and you can’t get it wrong because it’s all a giant experiment. You do what’s needed for you to feel safe, you add stuff to the Book of You, you take notes.
Kisses to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
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I’m glad you felt good about reassuring the monsters that you’ll stay snarky.
In the meantime, I have a lap full of iguana. But I’m going to deal with them this morning so I can go back to working on Awesome Creative Outlet-generated Project.
*mwah*
I talked to my first monster last night! It was bawling its head off, poor thing. I reassured it about various things, but it still wanted to make noise. So I gave it a tuba to play instead 🙂
Havi, you’re wonderful. Thank you for sharing your stuff with us; I really appreciate and enjoy it. Even (especially?) when it’s Hard.
And I kind of adore the phrase grumble thrum collective. It’s like a chorus of didgeridoos being played by monsters from Where The Wild Things Are. 😀
Riv, Congrats on talking to your first monster! Tuba? Brilliant!
@Riv: the tuba substitution is absolutely fabulous. #notetoself
What Shannon said. I miss you both, and the rest of the wonderful Rallions. My body is in total revenge mode for taking it a quarter of the world and back in such a short time, and my own monsters are dancing about. I guess it’s the down after that amazing amount of UP that Rally was.
I’m also working on my issues with rejection and fear. I’m allowing the tears over aches, physical and emotional, to do their thing, while procrastinating writing the book of me by cleaning. Gosh, this place is a mess. All of this too shall pass. And later, Shiva Nata with the kids will make me laugh (somehow the aches are not bothered by the(upper body only)Dance of Shiva, thankfully it’s quite the opposite).
Sending love from Ithaca.
DEAR MONSTERS, EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. WE’RE DOING THIS IN A SUPER SECRET NO-REJECTION WAY AND BEING SAFE.
I’d like to borrow that, please.
I have been doing a lot of talking to monsters lately. It IS hard. And I am frequently scared. But they are slowly, slowly getting it, so that’s something. I managed to make a Big Announcement today in spite of them, so that’s something.
Totes feel the “if you write this, you will be different” thing. (Which is always followed by “and no one will want to deal with Different You because they’re too used to Current You.”)
And now I’m stuck trying to remember whose book has the whole “people naturally resist you changing because they’ve based their behavior on you remaining the same” thing. Dang, this is going to pick at my brain for a while…
Logistical question – how do you record your Monster conversations? Typing? Recording? Handwriting seems like it would be painfully slow & disrupt the flow. Curious….
I talked to my first monster last week. It was the sick feeling I kept getting in my stomach when I thought about songwriting. When I talked to it I saw that it was a lizard–a big green mean-looking lizard hissing at me. The Songwriting Lizard. It turned out that it was trying to scare me into not songwriting in case I couldn’t do it. I didn’t even really finish the conversation or write it down–just got that far. And then I went and finished the chorus of my song.
I would also love to know whether you write or type as you go or record later.
Thank you thank you thank you, Havi!
Thank you, I needed that today – at the moment my monsters are all shouting “It’s too hard and we don’t WANT TO!!!” at whatever I suggest, and especially, it seems, when I suggest we have a conversation to find out what’s bothering them.
I know who they are an what they want – they want me to be as I’ve always been and do as I’ve always done and it’s hard getting out of their tangly snares – so maybe I should go somewhere they’ve never been and do something they’ve never done, to innoculate myself?
Aha! They don’t like that – I can hear them starting to shriek and mutter and suggest that maybe that’s just avoidance and I should stay here with them and stop sinking sill and unsafe thoughts…..
Hmmm. I think it’s going to be One Of Those Days…
I feel comforted by the fact that you “…have an advantage here, which is years of practice. This stuff takes time.” When I try to look at my monsters or attempt to speak, they scurry away and hide. They remind me of the little goblins from “Labyrinth”, who hide under beds and rocks. I think they’re scared of me, which is pretty funny considering that they’ve pushed me around for quite some time. All I know is that when I start to try to really peek at them, my tummy starts to shiver a little.
This sounds like the beginning of something a bit epic.
Hey guys!
In terms of how I record monster conversations… it really depends on how I’m currently projectizing.
So if I’m working on a project while writing in a notebook, the monster conversation gets scribbled in the notebook. If I’m using my laptop, it happens in the middle of the document or at the bottom.
If I’m drawing with magic markers on construction paper, it happens that way.
Sometimes there will be a very loud angry monster who goes too fast to converse with him. In that case, I invite a negotiator and a scribe. The negotiator listens (so I don’t have to take it personally), and the scribe just writes as fast as she can to get it all down.
Then I go back and have the negotiator address each individual point.
@Kaleena – yes! They *are* scared of you. They’re scared because if you know they’re there and you acknowledge them, they have to interact with you. They’re used to just running the show from behind the scenes, and they know you’re more powerful than they are.
One of the things that I do when they don’t want to talk is just to offer a lot of reassurances so that they will feel more comfortable, eventually, giving me information.
I tell them:
“Listen, guys. I know you don’t want to interact, and that’s okay. I am curious about learning more about what you think and what you need to feel safe. I promise that I will not try to harm you or make you leave. I just want to know what you need. I want you to be safe AND I want me to be safe! If you tell me what your mission is, I can help you with that mission.”
Like that.
Hope that helps! 🙂