the release papers (i)

In eight weeks and two days
(not that I’m counting)
(I am counting so hard)
we are out of the chocolate shop for good

we get our release papers
or really, we are released from our lease papers
(we were supposed to be re-leasing)
(but instead we are releasing)

four years exactly
since the idea spark that led
to signing those papers
and everything that came after that

there is good experience and useful experience…

that’s what my former mentor used to say
imagine a russian accent for the full effect

it’s been four long years of very, very, very
useful experience
I’m talking extreme levels of useful,
previously unimagined levels of useful,
a usefulness that rattles you to your core
painfully useful in its useful
usefulness

during which I lost
not only my mentor
but pretty much everyone and everything
in my life

I know so many things I didn’t then
and no longer want anything I wanted then
and here we are

and here we are

there is some residual sadness
but mostly relief

and I didn’t know if I’d ever get here but yes
now I can breathe in my thank-you heart:
thank you for this abundance of useful experience

and hey, now I know many useful life things
and I never have to do this again
or spend my life wondering if I should have
followed that call: nope!

the release papers (ii)

I am slowly and steadily
readying myself
to move into the tiniest space

a space so contained
that there is room only for me
and those few belongings I treasure most

what do I treasure?
fascinating exercise:
life becomes haiku

forming

the process of
allowing my life to ease itself into a
more embodied
concentrated glowing shape

I have big yes for this move
and big yes for the sweet shed
and big yes for the sweet shedding

aka The Great Downsizing of 2015

and, also, oh dear lord this is a lot of work
it’s the papers, so many papers, they need to go
because there is no room for them in my new space

the release papers (iii)

each year I name the next year
and we are in the Year of Easing & Releasing

the name is always ridiculously prescient,
I can’t say how it works
but it’s as if invoking the theme sets me off on a trajectory
and the trajectory holds itself
like sailing with the trade winds

though yes, when last-year-me named the year she had no idea
just how much releasing this was going to entail

since then she and I have released:
my home,
my job,
the playground — the retreat center I [verb]-ed in Portland for five years,
the ballroom business aka the metaphorical chocolate shop,
my desire to live in this city, or any city,
my willingness to put up with The Game Is Rigged,
attachment to most things,
any agreement/acquiescence to be around plastic
(goodbye goodbye to this insidious construct of the disposable life),
the beautiful boy I love so much,
and, oh right, pretty much EVERYTHING WE OWN
to move into a tiny-tiny-tiny space

thank you, past-me

for all of this
but mostly for
adding the word EASING

easing & releasing
is such a loving combination, and a healthier, more sustainable way to let go;
a softening into, rubbing butter around the edges of the pan

I never would have been able to
handle all this releasing
without the accompanying easing

and really they are much more related than I ever knew:
releasing is a form of easing
and easing is a form of releasing
and both of these get easier with practice

pleasure

all this letting go
allowing the new forming of something more compact
more contained and more present
is not without a certain pleasure

forming
is not without a certain pleasure

I didn’t know that before

and I am letting go in order to have more pleasure
letting go of things that do not bring me pleasure
releasing into pleasure
towards pleasure

pleasure, and also treasuring myself as someone
who gets to have more pleasure in their life

everything incongruent with my pleasure

(being in charge of a chocolate shop, for example)
(being in love with someone who has forgotten how to rest, for example)
has to release or change
form itself into something better
kind of like actual chocolate-making

funny story about that

I was in the glum
(truth: knowing that everything ends doesn’t make it less hard)
and asked the spotify app
for some sort of calming/energizing meditation

and received in return a charming scotsman
who instructed me
to imagine my muscles melting
deliciously like chocolate

you have to add the accent for extra meltiness

he might in fact work for Big Chocolate
it was extremely effective
I totally wanted chocolate
though mostly I wanted to be chocolate
and also it got me out of bed
and into a remarkably productive day

what I’m taking from this

1) pleasure is healing
2) rest is healing
3) maybe having a chocolate shop was more important for me than I realized,
maybe it has things to teach me about deliciousness,
about softening and hardening, about shapes and forms and sweetness,
maybe the treasure isn’t only in releasing something that was not-yes,
but in having this reminder to devote my life to
sweetness and pleasure, form and delight in forms,
do you see?

releasing papers

a few weeks ago, I was hanging out with
incoming me
she said something like
what would your life be like without paper

I may have freaked out a little / a lot
because NO NO NO that scares me,
but also I was intrigued, and gradually this idea
has become more liberating and sometimes when I think of it
I burst into laughter, which is a good sign

what would happen if I just let all the papers go
I mean, I don’t have anywhere to put them in the new space anyway

what do I know about this mission

• it’s equal parts exhilarating and terrifying
• it seems important
• this is clearly a fractal flower: a More Than Symbolic thing I can do to help the other missions along
• did I mention that this is scary for me, very?
• and I am so very drawn to this
• it seems impossible especially given that I don’t speak, so writing IS how I speak!
• last night while asleep I somehow managed to kick a pillow at a weird angle and knock over a glass of water and soak a pile of papers
• since july, I have released the contents of 37 binders, and there are still more
• yesterday I shredded TEN YEARS of notes from client sessions, glorious sparks of genius there, let us trust that the best sparks will return
• I am not a packrat but when it comes to paper I kind of am
• I don’t even want most of these papers and yet here they are

will the November Glums sabotage this mission

I am in the November Glums and feeling
doubtful
of my ability to do anything
with this beautiful mission
so let’s talk to Incoming Me
and get some intel and reassurance

incoming me says:

a marvelous wish-mission, my love!

in an ideal november
your only mission would be
finding your way back to november

that is to say, remembering
that the combination of Time Change Fog and
sudden early darkness throws you into a sort of
bewildered hibernation state

you have three beautifully lit november paths available to you

1) have nothing going on so you can just be with that
nap, read, eat popcorn by the fire,
find your way into the quiet enjoyment of this new cozy mode,
remembering potato-rosemary soup and warm robes

2) be a bird and head south for the winter
towards warmth and freedom
like you did last year
remember? november fifth
you and the beautiful boy and the open road
six weeks of grand adventure
and wandering the desert in love

3) use this time to plan
your next adventure
this combines both of the first options:
the energy of gleeful wish-seeding and sunny-skies-to-be
with drinking tea while wrapped in blankets
listening to the rain

any of these is good
the November Glums are both real and not real;
real in the sense that this is a very real phenomenon to be aware of,
not-real in the sense that they are a distortion,
a forgetting that you are a wild creature who knows in your essence
how to nest and how to fly

last week you said something about pleasure asking for presence
choose pleasure for yourself
and let the releasing of papers
and the papers of releasing
come from that

what do I know about my wish this week

It’s yet another double meaning wish,
related to LESS
and releasing
and the subversive practice of
luscious minimalism

this is entirely new levels of red balloons
I am going to give this as much time as it needs
and trust in the beauty and rightness of wishng

now

it gets dark so early now
and I do not like these narrow cramped days
but incoming-me is right
there is treasure in this
in [tiny spaces] like haiku
as there is treasure in everything

so let’s breathe in
the scent of small winter potatoes
roasting in olive oil with rosemary and herbes de provence,
let’s fill the red hot water bottle,
snug in its knitted sweater

let’s remember that wishing the wish is enough
I am receiving my release papers
through asking

superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone.

november (on the fluent self calendar) is GLOW MORE, with the superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone

just when I was starting to get into the swing of october boldness, now it is time to glow more, and I am loving this, loving the joy and the defiance: I do not agree to dim my spark!

thank you, past-me, for choosing this for me

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about 120% yes…

this was a very revealing wish
and this week I learned that
something I thought was probably 100% yes
was really only 87% yes
and that this is not enough even though I want it to be,
and now a much better plan has emerged

oh, and we are having a FLASH SALE (password: sweetdoors) and you should peek while it’s still happening!

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

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