This week’s Very Personal Ads reminded me — again! — that I am desperately in need of a Pirate Queen Holiday.
And that if Selma and I don’t go into Emergency Vacation mode and take one immediately, some pretty not good things will probably happen.
Even the monsters agreed.
And they are usually of the (extremely vocal) opinion that any time off whatsoever is DOOM DOOM DOOM and IMPENDING DOOM.
My monsters were now more worried about the impending doom from not taking a break than they were about the doom of taking one. Wow. That got my ass in gear.
Thus a mini-holiday!
A mini-holiday! It is happening! Hooray! And happening tomorrow. Again hooray!
Except about ten seconds later it turned out that the pre-holiday freakout was happening too. Surprise. Not-hooray!
So.
Let’s be scientific about this.
As you know if you have the Monster Manual & Coloring Book, one of the ways to lovingly stop your fuzzball monsters in their tracks and get them on your side is by invoking SCIENCE.
Your monsters don’t just get to make wild claims and give supposed evidence by telling stories about how much you suck.
They have to come up with a hypothesis and test it.
And your crew of internal scientists comes out with their lab coats and clipboards, and it’s awesome.
Because it pretty much always turns out that the monster theories are not very accurate. And then you are armed with statistics for the next time they mistakenly attempt to terrify you.
Anyway. That’s just background.
Let’s do this. Seventeen Billion Things!
Monsters say there are Seventeen Billion Things To Do before I can go on this mini-holiday. So DOOM!
Also they say that I will never get them done, so not just DOOM but also SHAME and possibly a chorus of Oh No Oh No Oh No Oh No and some hyperventilating.
That’s their number. Seventeen Billion Things To Do.
I say, on the other hand, there are no more than thirty things, and that some probably don’t need to be done right this minute anyway.
Who is right?! It’s so hard to say.
Let’s bring in the scientists!
Wait. Monsters say we can’t bring in the scientists because:
a) no time! and
b) some of the Things To Be Done are things whose existence we won’t remember until later, and the monsters will feel stoopid (again!) in front of the scientists.
I pull out the Clipboard of Tested and Acknowledged Facts.
And I show it to the monsters. Yup. They made the very same No Time argument eleven out of the past twelve times that we consulted the scientists.
And in all twelve of those situations, consulting the scientists actually saved us time.
As for the feeling stoopid thing, we are asking the scientists to reserve judgment and be neutral. They can do that. They’re like the Negotiators. They don’t take sides.
Compromise? Compromise!
I suggested to the monsters that we just make a list right now of the things that Absolutely Absolutely must get done.
And they said Okay. Deal.
They wanted to make the list themselves without me looking.
So. This is a list written by my monsters, who wish you to know that they have permission from me to write it.
And I will just add that they were granted that permission on the condition that they not say anything mean, call me names or try to guilt-trip me.
They asked if they can quietly whisper-add “except in bed” to each item to make it funnier and I thought that was a good idea, and now they are giggling hysterically. Which is weirdly cute.
Also. These are not in order but the monsters say there’s a Very Strict Rule about how if there aren’t numbers it doesn’t count.
Except in bed. Tee hee!
So there are numbers but I don’t have to follow them. Yes? Yes.
The monster list of things we think Havi absolutely absolutely needs to do today so she can go on mini-holiday tomorrow!
- write notes for the dvds ordered this weekend
- finish and put up the new post
- give FM packages to deliver to Cindy
- have a giant fit about packing
- pack
- go to stephanie
- don’t forget to tell stephanie about what NOT to do
- buy toothpaste
- go to the Horrible Store and procure the Thing You Can’t Live Without
- make lists of posts for while you’re gone
- Oh! The folder! The folder! It needs so much work and this is urgent ohmygod!
- tramp on the tiny trampoline
- go to dance class
- notes for the chickening
- clean up for S who is coming to stay (take note, imaginary Twitter stalker burglar!)
- take care of the Project Mess at the Playground
- send the card to Svevo
- put the pouncers in a box
- laundries
- emergency birthday present hunt because uh-oh we forgot his birthday
- questions for H.
- put that music on the ipod because you’ll need it for doing Shiva Nata
The monsters feel ashamed that they temporarily cannot think of more than twenty three things but they assure me there are more that they have forgotten.
They also say that if I weren’t so disorganizizized, they would have a better list, but they understand that I am scared of order because they yell so much.
They kind of wanted to put GET ORGANIZIZIZIZED PLEASE on the list but I reminded them about being realistic. And about not yelling.
So here we are.
The monsters wish to say thank you for the opportunity to write a list all by themselves without supervision, which has never happened before.
And I want to say thank you to them for not saying anything mean on the list. I’m sure that was really challenging, guys.
All right, monsters! They also agreed that I could stop freaking out if I did some of the things on the list. And they agreed that they would stop freaking out too.
So I’m going to see if I can help them out by doing a couple of these while they chill out in the Chilling Out Room (it’s like a safe room) and drink their Timber Joey milkshakes while making extra loud slurping sounds.
And comment zen for today..
Interacting with monsters is hard! It’s the hardest!
You might be wondering why my monsters weren’t more abusive and scream-ey and terrifying today. That’s because I’ve been talking to them every day for the past six years.
So we have a different relationship than you might if you’ve only recently started experimenting with opening up channels for sovereign, compassionate internal communication.
This stuff is challenging. It takes time. And I still have moments when I forget what I’ve learned.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.
No advice, please, but if you want to make lists of your own or say YAY or invent milkshakes, that is welcome.
Love to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
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Love the idea of a monster list (with restrictions)! Thanks, Havi!
Thanks, monsters!
I think I can use this idea for lots more than travel prep.
Ha! The “Horrible Store” is also on my list.
Ohh. My monsters are Very Suspicious because we had such a similar conversation this morning about…wait for it…YOUR RALLY.
They don’t think that can be right.
They were worried about how all this travel would work out (Chicago for a wedding in July, San Fran for a work thing, followed immediately my Portland for the RALLY, and just a few weeks later, Boston for anniversary surprise (shh!)). They are EXTREMELY convinced that Portland makes it ALL TOO MUCH and that I’m being ridiculous even *hoping* that it could be allowed.
So I let them make a list of Every. Single. Expense for the next two months.
And they brought it to me (full of “well, if you already HAD a budget this would be easier” and “grumblegrumblefarmersmarketgrumble”) and I filled in the already-known money-coming-in times + amounts.
And then we put it aside for a bit and came and read your blog and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, but apparently it’s let-your-monster-make-a-list day. So now they want to make a things-that-have-to-happen-first list and how-it-could-be-possible-to-make-up-the-little-bit-of-extra-money-needed list then they *may* allow me to fully embrace the awesome of COMING TO A RALLY.
From my monsters to yours – *pfffft!*
(that was a tongue-out-of-the-mouth thing)
“GET ORGANIZIZIZIZED PLEASE”
Saying it over and over, with an “ee” sound and with an “ay” sound, and giggling breathlessly. Love it. Suggesting to my monsters they use it more often. Monsters love the idea. Thanks Havi!
Oh, this is an excellent day for monster lists! We’ve got a trip coming up this weekend — part vacation, part family reunion, and part celebration of my parents’ golden wedding anniversary — and my monsters are freaking out. I think we probably do want to have a conversation about the whole thing, but for now, we’ve agreed that as a warm-up, my monsters would like to make a list of invented milkshakes:
1. Resurrection by Chocolate.
2. Vanilla Waivers.
3. Reincarnation by Chocolate.
4. Key Lime Pistachio Mint. (It’s green!)
5. Chocolate Rapture.
6. Mellow Milky Way (no sugar added).
7. Zombie Chocolate Brain Freeze.
…now, why do I feel so much better already? 😉
Forgot to add: YAY.
Goodness! My monsters love lists, and they think it would be all right if I take a tiny holiday from being a BL (beloved lurker)–although they are somewhat nervous about that title–and tiptoe out as a CM (commenter mouse)to say YAY! And to say that they think that Monster Mash would be a very good milkshake (if you had a list of good things to mash up and put into it).
This is..this..is BRILLIANT ! I absolutely love your writing style !
It was so fun to read that i re-read it again !
But maybe i have some monster fetish after reading to much Koonz horrors…hmm..could be..:)
Oh dear oh dear oh dear
(the monsters say)
“we don’t think we approve of such shenanigans.”
So now I am creating the role of Shenanigan Mistress and some of my personalities will share in that role and make sure to schedule both appropriate and inappropriate shenanigans.
Thank you for spawning such a thing, Havi! Happy PreHoliday to you!
Some days my monsters insist I have 7000 things to do. Other days they insist I have 12 million thins to do. How do they come up with these numbers? It’s always either 7000 or 12 million. Are different monsters coming up with the different numbers?
I don’t know which is making me laugh harder, “except in bed” or “Zombie Chocolate Brain Freeze.”
Havi, I hope your holiday is full of exactly the kind of fun you would like best.
Havi and friends, I get so much pleasure from reading this blog and the comments! But I don’t think anything is better than the frequent reminders about taking holidays. Thank you for that.
Today (thank you, Kat!) I’m going to have a mini-holiday in the form of Reincarnation by Chocolate. In my next life, this afternoon, I will maybe come back as an even more ORGANIZIZIZIZED person. Could happen.
xo to all!
The milkshake flavors are brilliant. I want to try at least one of each! I love that so many of them are chocolate because chocolate is the perfect food!
The number thing too is strange… because I used to have “forty-eleven” things to do until SOMEONE caught on that forty-eleven wasn’t a real number, so now it’s forty thousand or seventy million or 1280 (which is exactly the number of calories in a Zombie Chocolate Brain Freeze milkshake, if you add fudge sprinkles).
I have this monster voice saying, right now, no one cares what you think, and anyway you just made it up about the calories because it’s really much higher! But I’m going to submit this comment anyway.
I love LOVE the idea of giving the monsters a voice so that they can be listened to and considered. It helps everyone feel calmer, right? I feel calmer already! Thank-You. I think I’d like a milkshake now.
Thank you for your candid, playful and wise self. Following your process and learning from your approach has helped me to play and create through times of deep hellishness. I painted a pirate ship in your honor, it is on my blog – the post with the title ‘ship’. And yes, I am a lazy shivanaut…but a proud shivanaut nonetheless!