Okay, enough with the disclaimers.
The cast of characters:
My arms: not so much their actual physical arm-ness, more like a representation of my arms. Actually, think of a Greek chorus made up entirely of arms.
Me: You know, me.
Cobalt: The awesome body-work chick who does various wacky healing stuff with me.
The scene:
A small massage room. I am on the massage table. Cobalt is holding my arm (my real attached-to-my-body arm). Meanwhile, my symbolic arms are marching around the room, holding placards. They’re protesting.
The protest.
My arms (chanting and waving signs): No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
Cobalt: Do your arms want to say anything today?
My arms: No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
Me: Uh, they seem to not want any more pain.
Cobalt: Well, that seems reasonable.
Me: I guess.
Cobalt: Do they have anything they want to add to that?
My arms: No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
The pain.
Cobalt: What kind of pain are they not wanting more of? Is it the pain that they feel right now? Is it all pain? What pain is this?
My arms: No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
Me: Okay. They’re not being specific. They’re ignoring what I ask. In fact, they’re actually just marching around the room with placards chanting “no more pain” over and over again.
Cobalt: They’re protesting?
Me: Yup.
Cobalt: Nice!
What do I want?
Cobalt: What do you want to do?
Me: I kind of want to join them.
Cobalt: Go for it.
Me: No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
My arms: No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
Me: But I’m also mad at them.
Cobalt: Okay, that’s legitimate.
Bolsheviks.
Me: It seems annoyingly hypocritical of them to protest pain when they’re the ones causing me pain.
My arms: No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
Me: It’s because of them that I haven’t been able to work more than a couple hours a day since January, which has been really hard on my business. It’s because of them that I can’t write very much and I have to make Stu write my blog posts which sucks because it takes forever … and also because he’s a conceited, bigoted asshat.
Cobalt: Stu?
Me: He’s actually voice-to-text software. But he’s still an asshat. Also, he’s obsessed with Bolsheviks.
Cobalt: Wow.
I get a negotiator.
Cobalt: Well, let’s get the protesters over here so we can find out what their list of demands is, and you can tell them why you’re mad.
Me: Oh. You’re my negotiator. Thank you.
Cobalt: What are their demands?
My arms: No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
Me: Listen, I can’t help meet your demands if you don’t tell me specifically what this no more pain thing looks like.
My arms: You need to stop going to acupuncture. And you can’t get massage if it hurts. No shots at the dentist. No more stitches!
Me: Those are all things I do to take care of myself. And the massage and the acupuncture are for you guys, so you’ll get better. I can’t stop doing healing things.
My arms: No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
I learn something about my arms.
Cobalt: Any other demands they have?
My arms: A bodyguard.
Me: They want a bodyguard.
Cobalt: Okay. What’s this bodyguard like?
Me: He’s really big. He has a shaved head and earrings. He has enormous arms. But he’s actually very gentle. Like, you get the sense that he is a lovely person, but if the wrong person got close, he’d beat the crap out of them.
Cobalt: Nice.
Me: Oh, weird. It’s my massage therapist! It’s like … my arms want protection from pain … from the person who sometimes causes them pain?
And I learn something else.
Cobalt: You’re thinking of your arms as the source of your pain.
But maybe your arms are more like a barometer of pain. They show you when there is too much pain in your life. Maybe they’re measuring it and demonstrating it, rather than causing it.
Me: You’re right.
The negotiation begins.
Cobalt: Havi, what parts of these demands can you meet? Any of them?
Me: I am willing to take a break from acupuncture. I am willing to ask my massage therapist to only do very gentle stuff for a while. Last time we were at the dentist we asked not to have shots and it was fine … we’re done with the stitches …
Cobalt: Is there anything else you want to say?
Me: These demands are unfair.
Cobalt: What would you tell your arms about why you think this is unfair?
Me: I can’t protect you from pain! Life involves pain. How can I make promises about future pain? Plus, what if I stub my toe tomorrow?Of course there will be pain. I resent the idea that I could just decide not to have pain in my life (though I admit I also find it appealing).
My arms are appreciative.
Cobalt: And what do your arms have to say about that?
My arms: No more pain! No more pain! No more pain!
Cobalt: What else?
My arms: You can do more.
Me: What?
My arms: There are already things you do to keep out or to mitigate pain. You have people who read your email for you and moderate your blog comments. You don’t go to networking events (thank you, by the way — we appreciate that). You take steps. So why can’t you take more steps?
Me: Okay, you can have a bodyguard.
My arms: Thank you.
The agreement.
Me: Alright. I cannot promise that there will not be painful things or situations in my life. But I am willing to take steps to care for myself and to be considerate of … the things that I’m apparently really sensitive about.
My arms: Okay, then we will stop protesting.
Me: Will you stop hurting?
My arms: Cobalt is right. We don’t give you pain. We just announce how much pain there is in your system. And when we think you have been given too much, then we protest it because it’s not fair for you to be in so much pain.
Me: You’re on my side?
My arms: Hello! We’re your arms.
The party.
Cobalt: Sounds like we have a settlement.
Me: Yeah.
Cobalt: So … is there going to be a party?
Me: A no-more-pain party?
Cobalt: A party, a ribbon-cutting, a ceremony … what needs to happen to mark this new relationship?
Me: There could be a party.
My arms: Can we have it on the pirate ship? Can we? Can we?
Me: I don’t see why not. Let’s go!
Today’s comment zen.
My arms: Havi would appreciate it if you would avoid anything judge-ey or should-ey like telling her that she’s crazy or that she should really be using The Thing That Worked For You to stop her pain. Also, she has a bodyguard.
But she would be happy to talk about other aspects of this. And to laugh with you about the ridiculousness that is her arms getting to write the comment zen.
Me: That wasn’t bad, actually. Works for me.
Follow
I just wanted to say that I love the ideas of your arms being on/at your side. LOL.
And also say: I hope you and your arms are feeling less pain soon, now that you’ve made a deal.
I’ve been through the same thing with the source of my pain… my pelvis. And in the end I made the same deals… massage that is gentle and calms things down instead of flaring them up, extensive changes in my life which lead to a practice of wellness that improves things, and just trying to learn to be compassionate with the part of the body that causes me pain.
So just know, I hear you, and I’m sending out whatever hope I can to you. This is the right move.
That is so great! Congratulations to you for getting a negotiator AND a bodyguard! The way you listen to your body is so effective and the way you talk about it is bloody HILARIOUS. You are teaching me (and us all, I hope) a lot of useful, wonderful stuff by talking about what is going on with you.
Awesome! I love how your Stuff sometimes like talks directly to my Stuff at the exact moment that I need it. Sooo cool.
I was diagnosed with arthritis of my thumb the other day. It’s my non-dominant thumb and the Dr said I’m too young to have arthritis, both of which annoyed me to no end. So I decided I am done with conventional medicine in regards to my thumb! (And would like less of it in general.) And I’ve been thinking about starting a conversation with it to see what it needs. So this whole post gives me ideas.
Incidentally, I asked for this in my mini-personal ad this week. Look at the results! All Hail Havi!! Quack, quack!!
I *LOVE* these conversation things, just LOVE them… your processes have really helped me start to learn about what various aspects of my life have been trying to tell ME, and learning to set my own boundaries for myself…
And YAY to “nothing judge-y or should-ey”!!
My fave part: “Hello! We’re your arms.”
Sending you a world of love.
Havi, I love this! Your arms are SO SMART! There’s enough unpredictable pain in life already. Anything we can do to reduce or remove sources of pain is a Very Good Thing.
When I was in my twenties, I had a whole year of Rolfing done on me. It was excruciating. Since then, I’ve made the choice to only have bodywork that is gentle, nourishing, and that doesn’t hurt or cause me tense up in any way. My body makes changes much more easily when it’s treated with gentle kindness.
Hooray for your arms, Havi! And hooray for you, for taking such good care of yourself!
Lots of love,
Hiro
Oh I just love the idea of a tough & lovely bodyguard. Tough on anything scary, lovely on me. I want one, too. Full sleeves of tattoos, shaved head, twinkly eyes, huge heart.
And I could also use a negotiator, for the times I’m in pain and want to do something about it, but don’t know what that something is.
Thanks for the ideas, and hooray for ribbon-cutting pirate ship party!
You’ve got some wise arms, there, lady. They’re a little repetitive, sure, but they’re smart.
I had pain for years and years (RSI pain in arms that turned them into useless flippers) and there is a Thing that helped immensely, but I don’t want to break the comment zen rules. If you want me to say more, I will, or of course you can email me.
Havi, I love reading your conversations with objects and appendages–walls, your arms, whatever. Because they make me LAUGH OUT LOUD while they teach me wise things.
And I want to hear more about your arms’ new bodyguard! Is he going to join your wacky and beloved Cast of Characters?
Your arms seem to be the most intuitive, well-spoken arms in the world. As painful as they are, it does seem they’re providing you with some powerful insight. I’m definitely learning from them– thanks, havi’s arms!
Next time I’m bringing you all to the negotiation party. Yay.
@Hiro – thanks for the reminder that it’s really okay to not have to do painful things to heal.
@Alice – ohmygod. *slaps forehead* Repetitive arms who are repetitive about their … repetitive stress.
It’s not just the stress that’s repetitive, it’s the experience and the communication. I have to go boggle over that for a minute. Thank you!
And you can share your experience – just know that I have already gotten my hopes up over so many people’s perfect-for-them solutions that ended up not helping me, so I can be kind of bitter on that subject. But what the hell, another thing can’t hurt.
And if it does, I’ll just give it to my bodyguard.
@Briana – oh you should get a bodyguard too! That would be lovely!
Yay arms! And way to go on the negotiations.
Over the fall I had a ridiculous condition called costochondritis. It is inflammation of the cartilage in your ribcage. It is painful and icky and really puts a damper on things. No lifting anything over 10 pounds, no yoga, no stretching, no deep breathing. Nothing that causes the ribcage or surrounding muscles to move a lot.
The treatment my doctor recommended was waiting it out. Another was steroid shots. I’m terrified of shots, so I stayed in bed. I waited. I waited…. and waited. Finally, my entire core was screaming at me to get the shots. No more waiting.
But I waited. I hate shots.
My ribs decided to exact revenge and got worse. Finally, I went. My doctor shook her head at me and said, “When I said to wait it out and take it easy, I didn’t mean you had to wait this long!” She held my hand while the nurse gave me shots.
Ugh. Fear. Pain. Yick. Do not want.
Yay. Listening to body. Win!
My stomach talked to me the other day. It said, “Ewww. Ick. Run away! Run away!” And I did. And it was awesome.
I love what happens when we listen to our bodies. Our bodies are very very smart.
Hope this leads to ‘no more pain’ for you soon!
All the best!
deb
I love you – back at ya.
All I can say is “Thank goodness there’s a Havi in this world.”
Awesome! I love it!
barometer, oy!
Thank you and thank your arms. I have been trying to be kind to my adrenal glands as I crawl my way through adrenal fatigue, but after 6 months I’ve also gotten to the point where I’m impatient with the process (meaning with them.)
Hello! We’re your adrenal glands. We’re the barometer par excellence of how burned out you are.
Keep taking excellent loving care of yourself, Havi. I’m off to negotiations.
Hi darling,
I’m just laughing so hard at the image of your sweet arms marching around the room with placards for goddesses sake, that I have nothing more to say.
Other than that I COMPLETELY and UNEQUIVOCALLY adore you!
And YAY for big, burly, heart of gold bodyguards.
Chris
Hi there! So I found your blog last week (through a link on twitter, of course – I’m @spiralshannon), and I’ve been immersing myself in the archives over the past few days. You’re just so freaking awesome, I’m a little bit in love – though not in any stalkery way, more in an “Ohmigod how can there be someone so cool who is all internet famous and even lives right here in Portland and I didn’t even know about it!” way.
And then there’s the great connector-mouse thing that you do so it’s like a little secret door just opened up to a corner of the internet where the people are all sparkly and down-to-earth and fun and getting-great-things-done and silly and smart and it’s all just really exciting.
I’m just having to restrain myself from spending too much right away as I jump in to everything – I’ve ordered the Shiva Nata starter kit, so I’ll be playing with that while I decide what to invest in next. (Procrastinator? Me! Meltdown moments? Me, and more frequently recently. Growing a small business? Yep, me! And beyond the money, I know that I can just only absorb so much content at once…)
So, anyway… rather than doing what I normally do, which is thinking about telling someone how cool I think they & their thing are, sometimes even writing the email/comment and then deleting it, I’m actually going to post this now. Even though it has nothing in particular to do with this specific post.
Or maybe it does… I like to play with lasers. Can I make Selma a laser-cut pirate ship for the ribbon cutting party?
Havi,
You have inspired me to no end when it comes to this healing your arms hike you have been on. Seriously. My future patients thank you. Immensely.
And, yay! Party on the Pirate Ship — woot!
This is just so great.
Okay, Havi, here goes!
I read John Sarno’s The Mind/Body Prescription. That’s it. And my arms got better. Like, all better. There’s some Freudian talk in his book that turns some people off, but I just disregarded what didn’t resonate with me and paid attention to what did. It took a while, but after his ideas really soaked in, my arms just…healed. Kind of crazy. I had a few friends who were similarly impaired (many of us writers get this, after all) and the book had the same effect on them.
Your talking to your arms isn’t too far off from what he recommends, actually!
Interesting! Now, I’m thinking that my lower back wants a negotiator and a bodyguard instead of what I’ve been giving it – or not giving it, as the case may be. Who’d a-thunk it?!
Funny old arms. I agree with them on the painful bodywork stuff. Ouch, is how I feel about that.
Ow ow ow. Havi, I hear you.
I woke up this morning with a pinched nerve or RSI in my shoulder after a day of intensive computer use. It’s the same problem I had in my last in-house job; I needed a left-hand mouse and regular massage to deal with it.
And guess what the coincidence is? Next week I’m starting an in-house job two and a half days a week. Perhaps my body is telling me in no uncertain terms that she is NOT keen on it. Wah! But I’m committed to it and can’t renege now. So I’ll just have to be very gentle: swap mouse hands, do plenty of stretches, etc. Do you have a spare bodyguard?
You are so totally amazing Havi- this was my favorite part–
“We just announce how much pain there is in your system. And when we think you have been given too much, then we protest it because it’s not fair for you to be in so much pain.”
Your sweet arms are just the broadcast system that says there is too much pain in your being/system and they want to protect you from that – so they start hurting.
I love that you are all on the same side now – and thank you so much for sharing your process with us.
Hugs to you!
I am sorry if this counts as judging, but I think it is my favorite of your blog posts, ever.
I dig those crazy arms, I do.
Ooh, I want a bodyguard for my head!
Also, I had to tell you that I downloaded some new ftp software called Cyberduck, and their icon looks a lot like Selma, so every time I open it I say “Hi Selma!”
@Riin – I LOVE cyberduck! And I always think it’s Selma too. Cyber-Selma!
And you should definitely get a bodyguard for your head.
@Colleen – mwah!
Actually, kisses blown all around. You guys are the best ever.
@alice – I got Powell’s to hold the book for me and I will walk down and pick it up. I will tell the book that it is full of finslippy magic and then it will *have to* work for me. Ha.
We don’t give you pain. We just announce how much pain there is in your system. And when we think you have been given too much, then we protest it because it’s not fair for you to be in so much pain.
Me: You’re on my side?
My arms: Hello! We’re your arms.
Reading that I want to laugh and cry at the same time!
you are so cool!
::being a fan of Havi & her very wise arms::
also, this whole thread is very validating of the choice I made to stop seeing this one massage person after I tried to communicate “that is too hard” and she didn’t hear me.
also thanks to Alice for the Sarno recommendation – I’m gonna check out his stuff.
You got to party with your arms??
Damn, your arms are totally cooler than mine.
🙂
i love you (and your arms)
just thought you should know
cheers! amy
.-= amy goetz´s last post … 20 minutes to your life purpose =-.
Ahh, oh gosh. I know this is an old post (I am a long-time lurker but my entire being is super excited about what just happened so commenting, here we go!)
I had a tiny meltdown today because I have stuff about stuff and am trying lovingly curating my life but then I started crying today because pillows might be sad? (I don’t know, it was a big thing >.>) so I went back to your blog and read things that resonated as things I should read.
And then I got to this part:
” Me: You’re on my side?
My arms: Hello! We’re your arms.”
And a chorus in my brain of every part of me was like YES THIS OMG THIS WE ARE YOUR BODY AND BRAIN AND SOUL.
They are excitedly cheering now that I’m sharing this with you. Much thanks to you and your arms. <3
<3 Yay excited body-mind cheering yay!