Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
It’s Sunday! Again. Time for some Very Personal Ads.
Let’s see if I can get these up before the Timbers match starts.
*friendly wave to Whitecaps fans up north*
Thing 1: Conscious entry
Here’s what I want:
I have been doing a lot of work in my own practice around entering things. And I’ve been talking about this at Rally (Rally!).
It’s now time to begin teaching this in deeper and more formalized ways, because it’s the next step. And it’s the kind of thing I want/expect my people to be playing with.
So. I’ve spent the past weeks creating materials about preparing for the voyage.
I am going to give these as a gift and as non-homework practice to everyone coming to Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage password: haulaway.
And I’m going to teach a marvelous class on the Art of Embarking, which is going to be a prerequisite for rallying (though it will not cost anything to people who have already signed up for a 2012 Rally). Or who sign up before I announce this.
We’re also going to put up a special forum board at my Kitchen Table program that will be devoted to practicing various forms of entry and exit.
So I’d like to be able to go live with all of this in the coming week, and for it to go smoothly and be lots of fun.
Ways this could work:
This is the time. This is what’s needed.
It can just work.
And it can be light, buoyant, happy and playful.
My commitment.
To keep talking to slightly wiser me. To do the work.
To live by the words in my heart.
To have fun with this.
Thing 2: To announce a bunch of announcings!
Here’s what I want:
There’s a special FURLOUGH scholarship. And a stowawayship.
And new and exciting things for the next round of Plum Duff days.
I need to actually remember to tell you guys about this stuff.
Also I need to finish up the last little bits and pieces so it can go live.
Ways this could work:
I can spend tomorrow tweaking and getting into Announcement mode.
Wearing a costume usually helps.
I’m going to try my Shopkeeper’s hat and the wizarding skirt (It’s hilarious, seriously you need to come to Rally just to see this ridiculous skirt).
And possibly wings. It couldn’t hurt.
My commitment.
To approach the announcings with conscious entry.
To take care of myself.
To let things have their own timing.
To find out what needs to happen for me to trust that.
To dance around and flail the shivanautical flail of chaos and hilarity.
I might also have to do Erin’s penguin dance while wearing a top hat.
Thing 3: Magazines, please
Here’s what I want:
We need more magazines that we can cut and chop up for collage-ing and various crafty projects at the Playground.
Also stickers! We pretty much always need stickers.
Ways this could work:
I am putting it here. Anyone in Portland or the general area who can bring some?
Anyone coming to a Rally who might have some?
I can ask the roller derby team I sponsor.
And maybe some of our Playground neighbors who get trade magazines or keep magazines in their waiting rooms.
My commitment.
To ask the ask.
To fill up on appreciation for all the people who contribute to the Playground.
To give you our mailing address in case you have stickers for us:
The Fluent Self, Inc.
1526 NE Alberta St
Portland, OR 97211
United States
Thing 4: Next steps on planning Denver! How can this be easier?
Here’s what I want:
There’s so much more to do!
I want to let this be as easy as possible. To ask for help. And to be really specific in how I ask.
Someone recommended Mygola, so I’ll try that too.
The main thing is: progress! Let’s get some.
Ways this could work:
Using the Deguiltified Chicken Board at my Kitchen Table program. That always helps.
I also need to talk to my derby pals and get information about their plans.
My commitment.
To love this project as much as I love derby.
To channel the pegacorn.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
There was the ask about going to Denver for roller derby championships and I took some initial steps on that. More to be done! I also learned a lot about being precise when asking, and about certain things I take for granted, so that was interesting.
I wanted creative child-care solutions for the Playground, and we’ve been thinking about those.
The next bit was about wanting energy and enthusiasm for getting back into my body routines, and YES YES YES!!! Totally happened. It was amazing.
Then I wanted sweet, loving acceptance for my body, and I got it. That is: I was able to give it to myself, repeatedly. This is a big deal.
And I wanted to open registration for the Great Ducking Out III in November, 2012. And did not get around to it. Putting it back into the river for now.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Follow
VPA
* I want fabulous pair of black boots that are gorgeous and not very expensive.
* Stone Skipping Card, I’m anxiously awaiting them. Wanting them more and more. Every time I got to the shop I cross my fingers. Hint, hint:)
* Someone to buy our house
How this can happen:
*Put it out there. Which I have just done. As for the house – it’s definitely out there.
* To write love letters to the future buyers of our house
My Commitment:
patience and kindness for the time all of this might take.
Active alertness for openings and offers that I might not notice.
*** Update!!***
My last weeks’ VPA was not concrete but rather it was very much about working with how I feel about things and the essence of it rather than just plouging through and starting to work harder again.
Essentially, I want to feel like I am the Fun Queen of my Research again (and also PS my life.
That happened, it totally happened in an unexpected way.
– I had an interaction with the Evil Supervisor that went well.
– I found a book about traveling (Paolo Coelho’s “Aleph” warmly recommended) that inspired me out of my sadness.
– I had a fun night out with a new friend
– I took an afternoon of for a movie and enjoyed watching the kids have their free afternoon
… among others
New VPA’s
– Fun
its back on the agenda!! It feels this is crucial now and I’d like some thinking about how this can work – while traveling between countries too and stretching for the last part of a four-year project.
– Centering
that sounds vague. what i mean is i want to feel more connected to myself; i want to remember what i want but also just be where i am and breathe the air.
– Optimism.
I have been in survival mode and its not how i want to continue. I’d love to figure out ways to
Ways It Could Work
I am open to good surprises. I am open to some more thinking in the cave time, some taking of steps but also letting go of the outcome. I’ve cared enough about outcomes and its leading to emotional bankrupcy. I am just taking it day by day now.
Oh, Havi. How I have missed the hoodoo magical goodness of VPAs. Glad to hear that people have continued gathering at the stream and partaking while I was holed up, sobbing in my cave. (It’s all good. As you know, cave-sobbing is highly underrated in our society.)
And HOORAY for all facilitation of Havi-related progress! Will put my mind to getting the Playground more mags.
Okay. How about some VPA action for our former (and sometime) cave-sobber?
What I want: For everything to come together perfectly to launch this amazing, amazing eight-month Talking Tour this week.
Ways this could work: I could find out I’m already more come-together than I realize. I could let go of some things I think HAVE to be there, i.e. change what “perfectly” means. I could rely on my prior ability to get (“impossible”) things done.
My commitment: To talk to my support peeps. To spend time each day with this, without worrying what that time needs to look like. To allow for surprises. To hew to the “make it fun” rule.
What I want: To write this book in November. All of it.
Ways this could work: A spot could open up in the Ducking-Out Rally. I could be really productive in airports. I could quit writing the blog and everything else until it’s done. I could hypnotize myself to write it in my sleep and wake up refreshed in December, with a completed draft.
My commitment: To stay open to possibilities and unattached to specific routes. To laugh. To do my good work and get my proposal written in the meantime, so the Universe gets that I’m serious. To remember that if I did 50-for-50, I can do ANYTHING.
VPA Magic!
Progress Report on last week:
I wanted recovery from previous weeks’ extremes of activity plus pain. I followed through on my commitments and by the end of the week felt more rested and in a good frame of mind.
I wanted to develop and/or restore routines and rituals and there is progress. I will re-ask this.
I also wanted to do some work, dealing with iguanas and aardvarks. There’s a lot of resistance to this, as evidenced by my posting the ask without considering ways this could happen or my commitment. And by the lack of any of it being done. Another thing to re-ask, this time with the plan/commitment to consider my relationship with these things and to explore the stuckness.
And On To The New!
Thing 1: To feel safe and loved.
My bitchass sister-in-law threw a horrible shoe at me, MrB, our son, and his wife. It hurt. I wanted to hurt back. But I didn’t. And she and her husband have thrown more shoes.
I am hurt for MrB, for R and for C. I am angry because they have been hurt.
I don’t see any way to fix this. I don’t know if I want to. But I want the pain and anger to stop.
I started to do the alignment exercise and realized that I don’t want to have ANYTHING in common with her. Can I change my gender?
What I want: Support and love and friendship. Hugs. Safety.
Ways this could happen:
People who read this can send hugs and support. Please.
I can read archived posts about shoes and safety and sovereignty and I can try things.
I can call friends and ask for what I need.
I can have a conversation with the scared sad hurt versions of me and find out what will make them feel safe and loved.
I can journal about it.
My commitment:
To be gentle.
To protect myself.
To avoid responding in kind.
To call my friend instead of doing any of the dramatic and unproductive (and creative!) things that I think up.
Thing 2: Letting it go.
I really want to let go of this thing, to stop replaying it in my head, but it keeps coming back.
Even when I feel safe and loved, it sneaks in and then I stop feeling safe and loved.
Ways this could happen:
I could go to the river and leave it. There’s a stream in the park near my house, where I could write it on a leaf and drop it in and let the water carry it away.
I could find a song that helps. Any suggestions? I’d prefer something silly, childlike, fun. Isn’t there one about “you don’t have to be a dick about it”?
I could find a good photo of this person and add it to my (fortunately small) collection of Role Models of What Not to Be Like.
I could try Shiva Nata.
I could examine my relationship with this person, though I really don’t want to and it’s legitimate for me to feel that way and I can allow that. I’m putting it out here in case I become ready to do it and it might help.
My commitment:
Sing and dance (or watch the pink wig video and get lost following it).
Thing 3: Fun
October is a wonderful month with an incredible number of fun activities, and I’d like to do a lot of them.
Besides things that are arranged by others, I want to make things that I do anyway more fun.
Ways this could happen”
MrB and I could go out to dinner and review the listings in the paper and decide what things to go to.
I could find friends who are interested in the same things I am.
We could take pictures.
Costumes.
My commitment:
To say yes instead of no to activities.
To be open to possibilities.
To be curious and playful.
Good thoughts to everyone — may all your VPAs be answered.
Last week I asked for:
Arrival. The arrival of checks in the mail. [answered]
Clarity. Over some things. [answered]
Maybe some time with that boy. Or another one I don’t know about yet. [not really]
The inspiration to write a good ad that will bring in business. [wrote ad.]
This week I’d like:
The perfect shoes to wear to a wedding. Probably more than one pair. An “appropriate” pair to walk in with, a comfortable pair to dance in, and some silver sequined Chuck Taylor’s for the after party.
Focus during the week to get done what I need to get done. With ease and competence.
Healthy & happy immune systems. Sleep, hoop, eat green & orange & purple things.
Movement forward with things. Space to do organizing before the weekend.
Good hair. And make up. And fun times with safety.
My wish for you Havi and your gentleman friend is a Happy Healthy New Year and all good things always.
I think of you every day, am inspired by the good work you’re doing in the world, and how I see you continueing to be your spacious, gorgeous, playful self that just grows and grows.
Sending you love and light.
What I want:
To make a list of things I want to do this week and to get most of them done in the same week. To do this every week. To get unstuck about not writing and accomplishing daily lists. To practice putting individual actions from longer-term projects on the weekly lists.
How it could happen:
The list could magically appear under my pillow, or I could write it sometime when I’m not paying attention.
The actions on the list could be easy enough not to be scary.
The list could go on the wall on a big sheet of paper that has to be torn down in order to put up the next week’s list.
I could remember to use the 2-D Monster Collective approach from Rally (Rally!) to keep the grumbling about the lists and the actions to a minimum.
I could do a monthly Revue of how this is working.
My commitment:
I will journal about what types of things should be on the first list, and what types of things should be on these kinds of lists in general.
I will clear out a space and set up my new squishy cooshion (from the Toy Shop at the Playground) as the place where I can sit and journal and write lists.
I will get some flip chart sheets to use for visually appealing, colorful, visible-across-the-room versions of the lists, and something to attach them to the wall without damaging the paint.
I will find “one tiny thing” from each of my most scary projects to put on the first list.
Progress on last week’s asks was pretty spotty. Sigh.
OK. So maybe what’s underlying my ENGAGEMENT and ABUNDANCE asks from last week was this:
I just…don’t seem to value long-term/future benefits over short-term ones. I don’t do well controlling my impulses. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m lacking in discipline, not being honest with myself about what I really want, haven’t yet figured out the proper way of motivating myself, or what.
Maybe I should, like, host a conversation between Deprived, Grumpy Me and Frusted with Myself Me?
I’ve got a couple of long-term ones, too. So just…into the pot, I guess!
-Rituals. I want some! I don’t even know why or what I mean by that! But every time they get mentioned, I’m jealous. Something there.
-Gently experimenting with what it might be like not to have an overview of everything. With other ways of deeming myself worthy of expressing myself or ready to do it. I mean, it actually *would be* ridiculous to think any writer is stupid who dares to write before, say, having read *everything.* But that’s the kind of stuff I worry people will think of me. I hate to let anyone see me with my metaphorical opinion-pants half-sewed, but how am I ever going to do anything in this life if I don’t get started?
Into the pot!
VickiB- *hugs*. Like a tarantula backed into a corner, some people are dangerous to be around when they believe they are being confronted and threatened. Seeing people be dealt a big pile of goat shit by *life/universe/whatever* seems to trigger their oh-my-god-I’m-in-imminent-danger survival defense via attack mode. As if it’s somehow about them. It sucks. It totally sucks. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with her crap on top of the rest of it. More hugs. Cx
This week I would like this pain I feel in my chest to go. It’s an emotional pain, not a physical pain so no need to call the emergency services 🙂
Ways this could happen- I have no idea. I just want it to happen. Amnesia perhaps?
My commitment- to sit with this and know it won’t kill me. To go to a therapy appointment tomorrow and ask for what I need. To make space for sleep and good food and rest.
Magic wand time- I wish I could wake up and this all have been a dream.
Thing #1: Processing this weekend’s binge-ish eating
Here’s what I want:
To accept my body, how I am feeling, my emotions. To be curious about the causes and effects rather than upset. To explore ideas. Freedom, not restriction.
How this could work:
Giving myself a get out of jail free card for the past weekend.
Creating a menu with extra special yumminess
Increasing my Points to decrease panic (I use Weight Watchers)
Meditation / Four Day Win (book by Martha Beck)
My commitment:
To be LOVING.
To be present.
To email 3 mentors regarding this and tell them what kind of responses are welcome and what I don’t need (comment zen)
Thing #2: Peace in My Physical Space
Here’s what I want:
OMG, our house is a disaster and it feels like the dogs destroy it faster than we can clean it up! I’m especially frustrated with Old Dog’s inability to hold his bladder more than 4 hours. And Rotten Dog’s night time chewing habits. There are also dishes piled oh so high in the kitchen that need to be dealt with rather than stacked higher and pushed aside.
How this could work:
I can run partial loads of dishes. No it isn’t environmentally friendly. But sanity is important.
We could establish of a habit of going out WITH Old Dog out until he does his business right before bed (this sounds like a “duh” but he’s senile and sometimes forgets to go potty even when he’s outside).
We could pick up the water bowl after 9pm to discourage accidents.
Dog crates and baby gates. 🙂
My commitment:
To discuss the dog options with my Beloved.
To set an alarm to put the water up. (done)
To pick up a storage tub for the holiday decorations currently strewn across the table
To buy fresh flowers to start changing the indoor vibe!
Thing #3: Purpose
Here’s what I want:
I want purpose, spark, a reason to get out of bed every morning. To make my life someplace I want to be. To do something worth the doing.
How this could work:
This revolves around work. Around income. Around doing something I love (what?) and/or value and having enough.
People know what they need, they know what I provide. I only need to listen to them to get ideas.
I could list values/concepts that speak to me.
My commitment:
To accept myself where I am.
To be open to ideas.
To write down my list of “amazing options”
Good morning everyone! Good luck on your VPA’s
So last week’s VPA, the one for the first day of class to go well. That did not happen. But my worst fear was not as bad as I expected it to be. I missed the class because they moved the room and the professor did not tell me. So now, I have been added to the class website, know the room, have the syllabus, and I read for a ridiculously long time this weekend while making labiovelar fricatives and other fun sounds from protorromance (ie post-“vulgar latin” and pre-Spanish.)
So, things for this week.
**thing 1**
I want the class tonight to go well and to be in the right classroom. 🙂
-ways this could work
well, I am definitley prepared. I could take notes, I could talk to the professor after class. I could ask good questions. I will double check the website/syllabus for the room number.
-my commitment
To be open to the class. To talk to the other (actually enrolled) students.
**thing 2**
I want to exercise and be good to my body this week. Specifically with yoga, biking, and swimming.
-ways this could work
Make time for these exercises. Specifically getting up when I wake up the first time to make time for yoga/stretching. Planning with Steven for biking and swimming in the morning and after work. If I look at exercise as a set appointment, not something to ignore.
-my commitment
to make time for me and my health.
**thing 3**
To make progress in finding a way to support mysef from my writing. Or perhaps – to see progress – or make any money from my writing (or creative projects).
-ways this could work
I could submit a story for publication, or release a short as a short story single. Now that I know I don’t need ISBN’s if I’m only doing e-books, I could move forward with the challenge I had set myself.
-my commitment
To keep writing, even just a little bit of fiction every day or to keep working on my writing projects. To finish editing my Hunter story and get it reviewed to prepare it for a possible short story single release or to be shopped.
Update: I asked for info around self-indulgence vs self-care (which I’d already identified was really around worthiness and deservingness) and got the Very Clear Message that I can always provide myself with whatever good things I need without worrying whether I deserve them or sabotaging myself out of fear that I don’t because: hey, it’s not about me. It’s about the Mission From God (which is I am mildly embarrassed to admit currently sitting under the words ‘Saving The World’. Brie? camembert? wensleydale? edam perhaps? Cheeeeeesy. But
deadlylifely serious). So any kind of self-care is actually about supporting the Mission and Saving the World (my eyes are rolling with you don’t worry) which my deserving-ness monsters have far fewer issues with. So, yay. Big yay. Got the theory, now to bahahaha implement it hahaha oh dear….Also, asked for info on Why Not Now? Why Not Easy? And got a bunch of bewdiful coincidences which I’m taking as the answer.
Okay, another set of gwishes coming from a place of curiosity and being in the process and trusting that I am going to be looked after anyway… Oooooooooooommmmnomnomnomnomnoooooom
More info on the above issues
Anything else that I need to happen next to fall in my lap, please
Some perfect simple solutions around my car ?dying? and also ?not enough? money to deal with same. Thanks.
Thanks for the hugs, Claire P, I like what you wrote about trusting that you will be looked after. In this situation, I have to trust too, that I will be looked after and that things will work out. I’ve made up lyrics to sing when I think about it, and I also found on YouTube the song “Don’t be a dick about it.” That helps a lot.
I’m glad to hear that you are getting some clarity about so-called self indulgence. It sounds like self care, and yes, you DO deserve good things. Tell your monsters from me. Let them hear me speaking in a Voice of Authority.
Beadle, I want a get out of jail free card too! Laminated and in my wallet to pull out whenever I need it. And a list of “amazing options!” I like that.
Hannah K, this is totally irrelevant to what you’ve written about engagement, but I keep remembering the big glittering fake diamond ring that I used to wear so I could tell people I was “engaged” when I didn’t want to deal with something right then.
Sue T: I’m not thinking about a list, but I could use some magical appearing and if I do things when I’m not paying attention, that will help too. Thanks for that idea. I hope that works for you.
And now I’m going to borrow from Seagirl’s VPAs and wish everyone: perfect shoes, good hair and makeup, and fun times with safety.
I am calling silent retreat on the VPA. Just not ready to let the monsters mock and belittle right now.
However! They are always happy to have me set aside my problems while seeking solutions for others.
My sister lives mere blocks from the Playground, and is always saving things that might, potentially-someday, maybe-possibly, be useful for crafty stuff. I will ask her if she has any magazines or other cut-up-able things, like old calendars. (She is also active with Trillium Charter School which might have old magazines to give away too.) If I were in Portland I would totally give you all the boxes and boxes I have in my attic, plus the never-ending stream of catalogs that we get. Especially this time of year…yeesh!
Money fears: into the pot! While I’m at it, I’m putting some fractal flowers into the pot as well, and tending them lovingly.
Quick hit today.
VPA: Blue hair!
I have this fabulous hair dye. It has bleach and everything in the kit. I have a strong desire right now to make parts of my hair this color. Streaks, or chunks, or even just the bottom half.
Ways this could work: I can’t do it myself, because it hurts my arms to do hair stuff that much, and I won’t be able to see the back. So I really want a nice volunteer friend-person to come over (or we can go to their house) to get my hair did.
Or something unlikely can happen. Like I can win a free trip to the salon for streaks. Even though I’m not sure if there are any contests like that going on right now.
My commitment: To keep putting this out there.
To ask, and ask some more.
To keep dreaming.