Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: Glow it up!
Here’s what I want:
Still not entirely sure what this means, but it’s what Slightly Wiser Me instructed me to do last week at Rally (Rally!).
So I’ve been trying to figure out what that is and how to do it.
Thus far it has involved a new hair color (coppery-gold) and sparkly eyeshadow.
There is also something about wheels and the radiant radius. And being a forest! It’s complicated.
Anyway, I guess my ask is about further clarity. And further glowing.
Ways this could work:
The usual ways.
Playing with it.
Yoga. Shiva Nata.
Doing an OOD to investigate more in depth.
Wanting the wanting, without having to understand it yet.
I’ll play with…
Sunshine. Breath. Glow-sitting (that’s my secret agent code for meditating).
Thing 2: Hot water thingy.
Here’s what I want:
Picture a tall metal cylinder with a spigot on one side that makes water hot. The kind of thing you’d see on the end of a table at a church buffer. Like this.
We need one for the new Playground.
I want to find a super affordable one. Possibly used. Possibly someone gives us one.
Ways this could work:
Maybe someone we know has one.
Maybe the First Mate finds an awesome one at City Liquidators.
I’ll play with…
Drinking tea after old Turkish lady yoga.
Thing 3: Pirate Crew Rendezvous!
Here’s what I want:
I want to arrange to meet with the karma pirates and crew for the new Playground space.
But there’s all this stuff to get in order before that can happen. Like how to describe it. Like essence.
Wishing for a date. But also wishing for certainty, ease, support, trust, comfort, flow, and perfect simple solutions.
And I would like this to just come together.
I’ll play with…
Asking for help.
Thing 4: the ship!
Here’s what I want:
I need to be on the water.
This can be as metaphorical or literal as it needs to, but there is a ship involved.
I’ll play with…
Finding out what happens when I say yes to the wanting.
And lots of shivanautical flailing to generate epiphanies.
Thing 5: [Silent Retreat!]
Here’s what I want:
I’ll take a silent retreat on this one, but it is an ask about sovereignty.
Ways this could work:
Interviewing slightly future me.
Using the Floating Playground for support.
I’ll play with…
Trusting the process when I can. Crying my eyes out when I can’t. Then trying again.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I had an ask about flexibility in a variety of forms, and then that ended up being the theme of the week. Feeling good about progress there.
Then I wanted knee-length skirts and a bunch of people made lovely recommendations. And my friend Rebecca offered to take me out shopping, which is perfect because that is not one of my superpowers. But I also realized that this ask was really about wanting to be young and hot, and my stuff around where I am in my life right now. So that was interesting. We’ve been working through that.
I also wanted to Stop, Drop and Picnic! This worked really well on some days and not so well on others. Still practicing, and taking notes.
And my silent-retreat-ed ask is going pretty well. I will throw in back into the pot.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
Follow
Whoa, am I really the first VPA’er ?
I’m not much in an explaining mood, I just want to throw things into the pot.
Here goes:
1) Courage to interact with my monsters around putting myself out there, and compassion for myself when I don’t have it.
2) Ways to find/feel freedom in my busier schedule.
3) Something about ways to be present for my friends in need, watching them struggle, offering something valuable that isn’t about fixing them or the situation.
3) Courage. Did I say that already? More of it.
4) Silent Retreat: It has something to do with unlocking energy, something I call “the box.”
My Commitments:
– To shake things up a bit – notice when I’m “routine
-ing” without be conscious.
– Lots of Dancing a la Shiva.
– Yoga and Focusing
– Monster Workbook – Yes!
Progress on previous asks:
2 more clients – they’re not coming the way I thought they would, but I’m getting responses and offers to discuss workshops, both wonderful &, t e r r i f y i n g.
Selling #217 – So many visitors, no buyers…yet. This ask is more conflicted than I thought at first.
Hello, week. (Hello, Very Unsubtle Subconscious That Woke Me Up 1 1/2 hours before my alarm!)
Update on last week’s ask: not quite done, but no all-nighters necessary. Go me!
This week’s thingiest Things:
Thing 1: I have phone calls to make and messages to write. I would like to say and write the right words, or at least to be okay with however they come across and whatever comes back to me. At the same time, I don’t want to spend so much time on these things that I resent having spent it.
WTWC: Superpowers. Costumes. Deliberately cultivating gratitude and generosity of spirit and hopefulness.
I’ll play with: maps (outlines or scripts) for the thickety stuff. And maybe a bouquet of flowers to myself (as encouragement and acknowledgment of the superpowers).
Thing 2: I’m having surgery later this week. I’d like for it to go well, solve the problem it’s supposed to solve, and to have the four days following it be truly restful and restorative. (Which leads to a bigger Thing: how to create and maintain shabbat-space in my life on a regular-ritual basis.)
WTWC: telling people about it so that they know (or are at least alerted) to respect the space I want at this time. Lots and lots of permission slips and a couple of shoe-deflecting shields. Or a moat.
I’ll play with:
– asking myself “can this wait until Tuesday? or next year?”
– asking for the attention I do want at this time
Wishing everyone a good week!
Okey-dokey, here we go.
Thing 1: Money
Which includes:
[+ PREDICTABILITY & CONTROL / income and budget]
[+ GROWN-UP-NESS / not cringing when the phone rings or avoiding my letterbox]
[+ POWER / not passively waiting for big bureaucracy to get around to processing my paperwork)
[+ CHOICE / doing without xxxx because I choose to spend my money on something else, not because I fear something else might happen]
[+ LEGITIMACY / buying xxxxx because I KNOW I can afford it / not “getting away with it for a bit longer” / not living under Damacle’s sword]
Specifically: to step into my power around money. To make some SPACE amidst my money-stuff so that I can create SYSTEMS that will keep bills sorted, playment plans attended to, expenditure predictable and within capacity, etc.
Benefits: calm, spaciousness, sure-footedness.
Monsters say: no point! Doesn’t matter what you do there will not be enough! Besides you won’t stick to any system you create, LOSER! FAIL! SHAME! Besides living within our means will be BOOOOORRRIIINGGG, monotonous, depressing, POINTLESS, rat-on-a-wheel, draining and unrewarding. *heavy sigh*
Play with:
– compassion / safe rooms for poor past mes
– an escape plan from Boringsville
– low expectations so slow progress in anticipated and acceptable and I don’t trip up on disappointment
– system to track progress so there’s evidence that it’s NOT pointless
Wow, this is long…. I’ll summarise the rest!
Thing 2: Computer! And time and space to use it!
Thing 3: Glorious greenhouse! (yes, a metaphorical one!)
Thing 4: Greenhouse for little lad! (also metaphorical)
See y’all. xoxox
Hello week.
This is what I want.
Quiet. Introvert recovery time. The sovereignity to claim it. Vegetables. Lemon water. Quiet. Quiet. Time with the cat. Time with me. Time without other people alternately jostling, rushing or constraining me. Time without drunk people. And I don’t want to go to Las Vegas. And I am not going to go to Las Vegas. Ah. Breathe.
This is what else I want.
Time and space for the seeds to grow without someone stomping on them or pointing and yelling “hey, seeds, grow, look at the seeds!” And for the seeds to grow and blossom.
This is what else I want, even though it involves changing other people which you can’t do but I can just wish that people would stop saying “you need to wear more mascara” “You need to act like this” “you need to pretend you like basketball if you want him to like you” “you need to hurry up, I want to leave” “you need to stay, I don’t want to leave” “you need to have at least 3 drinks” “you need to share a room with someone if we go to Vegas”
No, I need to stop hanging around with people who won’t just let me be.
ANDEAMOOOO for the VPAs (as they say in Italy – in grand style of course)
VPA update!
I threw things into the pot last week ! And stuff was harder than I thought but some of it worked because I wanted it to feel that way
The seminar I attended was fabulous – even if I was almost completely too late due to stoopid trains getting cancelled
I did have confidence ! I wanted time to rest & play @ write ! And the week the opposite of restful as it was was insanely busy but the Sunday was empty. And I feel rested anyway (not sure how that works but something about the week was still very centered). In some strange way it really worked out.
Thing I want – more transcendence musings
This sounds so vague. It means: feeling connected. My birthday is coming up – that could be an occasion.
playing with lots and lots of writing. shopping with congruence. cleaning my room. listening to this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KId5R_f-YI
Thing 2 that I want – Safety and Help
Ow the hardest. But I still need heaps of this. It’s about absolutely-absolutelies and moving from ‘i have to perform’ to ‘i want to set things up so i feel safe to create things’. big ask.
playing with asking my friends to show up for safety. working in ‘safe locations’. flooping it out. and flooping it up. safe rooms. thinking about what kind of help is useful. helping my students – its a proxy for learning about fairy godmother help.
exit-ing – gah! my brain is a scramble and so full! but i think this covers the main asks of the week. time for a little walk outside.
Also, everything that @ClaireP said.
I am so grateful for this space on this Monday!
What I want:
All the pieces of work to come together easily and effortlessly today. I want all the accounting information I need to be accessible and correct. I want the phone to be quiet and my brain to be firing on all cylinders. I want everything to flow and for time to expand in magical ways and for the classical station to play a lot of Mozart.
I remain,
* a long-time lurker who receives so much goodness from all the people who share here
What I want: To say a sovereign, definite no.
Ways this could work: I could say it simply, and trust it will be received in the right way. I could do the alignment exercise (ooh, that could really help, I think). I could do it sooner to lessen the weight of it.
I’ll play with: The alignment exercise, I think.
Thing #2: Swift flow in the continued planning of getting hitched.
Ways this could work: Dedicated time for this. Small bits at a time. One foot in front of the other. Trust that what people say is true, and that it will work out.
I’ll play with: Pockets of planning.
Thing #3: A spirit of celebration for this highly unique time in my life.
Ways this could work: Unloading my schedule even more to allow for processing. Recognition of how many shifts are taking place, and how hard and good they are/can be. Moments of stopping and looking around.
I’ll play with. Pausing before, after, and during things. Letting my senses soak things up during the pauses.
Wishes for a flowey week for everyone!
Last week I asked for more sparkle, and that has been working out very well, so I’m going to keep playing with that this week. Sending love and luck for everyone’s gwishes!
I’ll have what @ClareP is having. 🙂 But that thought scares me, so maybe I’ll creep up on it this week.
VPA #1: Easy, joy-filled revisions.
How that could look: I could just jump in there and things will be clear. I could have fun with it. I could come up with a costume or a ritual or something similarly play-ish. I could dance beforehand. Not sure.
My commitment: To show up to the page and write “FUN” in the air first.
Happy week, y’all. 🙂
1: I gwish for an easier transition from an awesome/jarring weekend.
Ways this could work:
journaling,
conscious breaks from emotion-sorting,
making it into a game (without rewards, because I’m having issues thinking of rewards that don’t jeopardize other wants).
2: I want freedom from the urge to rebel. For example, I really want to use the word “manifest” just because I was asked not to! Super silly. It feels like a trivial example of my self-sabotage.
Ways this could work:
a proxy for self-sabotage (which sounds like doom)
chatting with the leather-clad rebellion monster I met at Rally
Updates:
I had been afraid of this. What if there was no progress? What if I can’t even remember/find past asks?
Yet, I’ve discovered that I made progress on the long-term ask of patience and presence. In fact, one of my top five strengths is now Adaptability, aka Presence and responsiveness to changing circumstances. (Why does last-minute change still annoy me? I’m too good at it? I feel like the doormat that me-from-then was?)
What I want: For the transition between roommates to go very smoothly. For roomie #1 to have ease as she moves out, and also for her to do her part of the cleaning to make the apartment sparkly for roomie #2. For me to have good relations with present and future roomies.
Ways this could work:
Affirmations. That anger meditation I did yesterday. Myself being clean, responsible, and friendly. Communication.
I’ll play with:
Sovereignty. Communication. Positive thinking.
What I want: To write a paper that gets an A, and to do it by the deadline and unrushed.
Ways this could work:
Start now! Research, brainstorm, write, revise, repeat.
I’ll play with:
Affirmations. Ease. Intelligence. Focus.
*happy sigh* – I am so content right now that I don’t know what more I could want. Which is different from last week, where I didn’t know what I could want (i.e. was allowed to want) because of all the stuck. Let’s see what’s there anyways:
Thing 1:
Grown-upishness around food, around cooking and being a good host, having the proper utensils and a dinner set, being able to call people home (being able to feel at home enough to call people over).
I’ll play with:
– Curiosity, seeing what more this want is about.
– Learning to cook healthier and yummier things, maybe just one for next week.
– Taking the time, being mindful.
– Starting a recipe book with space for me to “review” each thing I make.
Thing 2:
For work to go well, to be Sovereign and Present. Did I mention being sovereign? I feel like I will need a lot of that tomorrow.
Ways this could work:
– Doing yoga in the morning?
– Having breakfast.
– Dressing well but comfortably.
– Breathing.
– Being mindful, remembering to invoke sovereignty if things get bad.
– Letting myself take breaks.
I’ll play with:
– Remembering and acknowledging how much I’ve done all on my own this past year.
– Remembering and acknowledging the fact that I *have* worked before, under worse circumstances, and I still did a good job.
– Remembering that now is not then, that I will not have to be miserable at home to be good at work.
Thing 3:
To start “filling out forms,” to gently ease back into caring for my body in a way that I know feels wonderful and empowering.
Ways this could work:
– Thing 1 is a step in this direction.
– Investigating ways in which I am already taking care of my body.
– Starting slow, figuring out if I need/want a gym membership at all.
I’ll play with:
– Forgiveness for not being as fit as I was.
– Patience
– Remembering why I’m doing this, i.e. not so I have another thing to beat myself up about, but rather, to care for my self and my body out of self-love.
Thank you all for sharing your VPAs and creating this space together 🙂
VPA for today:
I started making a list of things but the computer froze up as I was writing that I want the new laptop to do what it’s supposed to do. I guess it doesn’t like criticism.
So I’m revising my asks and just asking for one thing:
less stress! Please! Because everything is harder when I’m stressed, and this weekend, ooh-la-la and ay-yi-yi-yi!
What I’m going to play with:
playing.
hiding out.
running away.
sleeping.
doing housework.
costumes.
Wishing everyone a good week. Good wishes for your VPAs.
Oh hello, wanting! You’re back again! 🙂
I still want the thing that I {Silent Retreat}-ed on last week. Things are happening with it, but I still need:
Patience
Here’s what I want:
To be okay with waiting for {Silent Retreat}
Ways this could work:
Trust. Faith. Harmonious timing. Listening to Slightly Future Me.
I’ll play with:
Delaying assessment. Yin Yoga. Shavasana. Shiva Nata.
And unrelated – but possibly related in a way I can’t see yet –
I also want:
For tomorrow not to suck, even though I think it will.
Ways this could work:
Delaying assessment. Recognizing WEAR vs TEAR. Receiving support.
I’ll play with:
Conscious Entry.
*hugs to all the VPAs and gwishes*
So many things!
from before: More Joy is working well, more Grateful Dead was a magic bullet. Elegant Leadership is getting better. The SUrgery PLan is coming together–no details yet, but a good structure. Deeper Practice is still elusive, so I’m looking at the pattern underneath.
Also, this was not an ask, but getting more clear insight into the different selves inside, and who can come to the front of the V, and who csan’t and why. VERY instructive.
Things I want:
-better more mindful food
-still need to work on More COnscious Exits and Entries
-there’s a whole cluster of sovereignty + sobriety + yoga + Flailing + Treehouse Time
-writing Time!
-to see the patterns and heal the wounds
VPA 1: To stand in my power all the time
WTCW: I have lots of clues. Exemplary self-care (not just adequate). Deeper practice (a reflecting pool?)
ICT: Playing with the qualities of this, being open to what I find. Especially COSTUMING. Committing to finding better ways, to not acting out of fear or pain. Wearing Sovereignty Ears and playing with circles of Power. To look for examples of this type of power, to ask the Ancestors, the Warriors and my Guides to reveal this. To play games with this, and ask questions (what do i know about why? what do i know about why not?)
This seems to require getting friendly with my SuperPowers. Is that a separate ask?
Shame-free late VPA-ing!
VPA 1. Forgiveness.
For my long-past selves. For my recent-past selves. For my present self. For my future self.
This was really hard for me because I didn’t understand how I could derive the authority to forgive myself and then I destuckified a little bit and found out that forgiveness doesn’t mean that “there were no problems with X, la la la” but rather a deep knowing that “having guilt and shame muck things up only makes things worse so what is useful is lots of love and spaciousness and compassion and being-okay-not-knowing and learning and giving myself to the flow.” I have no idea if that makes any sense to anyone. it barely makes sense to me.
I guess I’m LEARNING more about forgiveness! (ohh! maybe that is the real ask.) Yes, please! I want to learn about forgiveness.
I’m going to play with TAT and EFT.
VPA 2. Trust and Love and Mindfulness as lots and lots and lots of [what would have been incredibly hard and scary] decision making processes happen.
Basically, I’m figuring out Big Things and I want it to be filled with trust and a sense of belonging in my own life and “IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY”-ness. Which is basically the opposite of what I’ve done in the past 2 months.
How this could work: I could just spend a lot more time verbally destuckifying on the Floop. I could consciously cultivate rituals and carve out space in my life where I plant seeds of LOVING TRUSTING. I could experiment with different modes of meditation.
VPA 3. Allowing myself time.
Don’t make decisions. Contemplate things without feeling nervously compelled to take action. Mull things over. Allow thoughts to exist without believing in them. <– that is what I want.
How can this work?
This is a new thing for me. I think I'm just going to think about this. Do breathing exercises when I think about things that are potentially scary. Maybe some self-hypnosis with mantras might help.
Very late, but I’m allowing myself that.
The thing is I’m stuck in Wanting but not knowing what I want.
I WANT, but I don’t know what. It’s like someone’s tickling me but when I try to catch them, they vanish.
So I guess the thing I want is:
Insight.
I want to know what this wanting feeling is all about.
What I’ll play with – being ok with waiting to find out, being open and listening for tiny gwishes.
How this could work
Make a blanket fort and take some paper & crayons in there, see what emerges.
Make space each day & just sit with the question.
Do some colouring with the monster chorus who are chanting – “you are just greedy, you want too much, you don’t deserve anything”