Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Three years of Very Personal Ads, you guys! Though yes, I’m now thinking of them as Visions of Possibility and Anticipation.
But either way, we’ve been doing this for a while.
I love that. Hi.
Let’s see what comes up this week…
Thing 1: Releasing trauma and pain.
Here’s what I want:
Oh man. Sunday morning I got seriously PTSD triggered, for the first time in a while.
It was some combination of two really innocuous conversations over the weekend, one that I was involved in and one that I overheard, and then somehow everything just completely unraveled when I woke up.
So I spent all of yesterday dealing with that, and then today ran into a new chunk of it that I didn’t even know existed. So there’s that.
It’s time to do the acknowledgment and the releasing, in the most patient, loving and nonviolent ways available to me. I want this to be filled with more ease, grace and grounding than it ever has been before. I want access to my superpowers. I want to remember that it passes, and that I return to my strengths.
Ways this could work:
The usual ways. Physical therapy. Permission slips. Being in and next to water. Crying my eyes out. Writing. Yoga. Shiva Nata. Consulting the Book of Me. Staying present with the existence of the pain without forcing myself to go directly inside of the depths of it.
And figuring out where to go from here with this new well of hurting. Though really, it was probably there all along, so it’s just a newly discovered well of hurting.
Which is good, that it’s been discovered, I mean. That’s how the pain is able to EXIT, through being found. And not fought with.
Hello, pain. There you are. There is a reason for you. You are allowed to exist. You are not the whole of me. You are a part of me. You are temporary. This experience has meaning. And I am also allowed to hate it.
All of these things can be equally true at the same time.
But there are other ways this could work as well, at the same time even. Like a miracle. Or a shivanautical realization that resolves an old pattern. Or talking to one of my people who treat me in times of hard.
I’ll play with…
Taking this to the version of me who knows exactly what to do, aka slightly wiser me or Incoming Me.
Finding out what she knows.
Creating safety for myself by not discussing this with ANYONE who is not one of the three people that I discuss things like this with. Especially with people in my life who assume that they can get involved. I can be very clear, in a loving way, that I am not receptive to being asked how I am doing, or any other questions about what I’m going through, and that is just how it is going to be.
Thing 2: Flow into flow.
Here’s what I want:
So I’ve been doing the craziest and most outlandish shiva nata over the past weeks, and then later in the day my body has been inventing/discovering these wildly creative yoga flows. Just really beautiful and unexpected ways to put poses together,
It’s this pure state of playful, creative, inquisitive flowing wonder and delight. Gazelle state!
I love it. I want to keep doing this, and also to document some of the more interesting/unusual combinations.
Ways this could work:
Keeping a notebook by the stage at the Hidden Playground.
Making more time for this.
Pretending that I still teach physical yoga instead of mental and emotional yoga in disguise in disguise in disguise, and then planning the class I would teach based on these new discoveries.
I’ll play with…
Being with my body and remembering that it is where I live, and letting myself discover new things about this particular version of one way of having a home.
Thing 3: Announcing the announcings!
Here’s what I want:
I haven’t made any formal announcement about the 2013 Rallies yet, other than hinting in the chicken that yes, they exist!
And we already have 12 people signed up.
So maybe I should tell people before they are both full?
I want this process of announcing to feel joyful and light-hearted, for the right words to come to me, and to be filled with how much I adore Rally and the extraordinary things that happen there.
Ways this could work:
I can ask the First Mate for information about a hat that I want to decorate. Metaphor!
And there are two really amazing things about Rally that I have never told anyone, and these two things are huge. I could start by trying to describe them at the Floop and then maybe add them here or to the Rally (Rally!) page. Process process!
I’ll play with…
Doing shiva nata to get in the headspace and bodyspace of flow and voice. Also: of mystery and wonder, because those are two of the qualities that are relevant to this particular mission.
Talking to Incoming Me and ringing all the bells with her. She’s good at that.
Letting it take its own shape and form in its own time.
Thing 4: Brunching the Stompopolis website.
Here’s what I want:
The website for our new huge space that we’re opening has been a huge source of stuck for me, even though normally writing copy is totally one of my superpowers.
This weekend I interviewed Incoming Me about it and got some absolutely fantastic suggestions. With her help, I completely rewrote the home page and the not-a-contact page, and it was actually FUN.
Now for the rest of the site! So we can go live! This week, please!
Ways this could work:
Windows of time.
Planting the seeds.
GET GROUNDED, HAVI.
I’ll play with…
Pictures.
Thing 5: Changing a word. Among other things.
Here’s what I want:
There is a thing I am committed to doing, and ohmygod I do not want to do it.
That is not true. It is important and necessary and vital to the mission. And I have stuff about it.
So I need to find a way to alter it or my approach or both. So that it can be… palatable? Doable?
Again: ease and grace, please.
Ways this could work:
I am planning on giving this one to the pool.
And then asking metaphor mouse to help me come up with some strategic code phrases.
I’ll play with…
Asking for a miraculous resolution. Again.
Committing to truth. The truth of knowing what I want and why it is so important.
Man, I hope this will not mean losing something else that I care about deeply, but if it does, then it does.
I am going to have to cry some more about that, and then do some stone skippings and find out what some more peaceful perfect simple solutions might be.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Last week was all about CONGRUENCING and making things congruent, and oh boy did that ever happen. Wow.
Lots of movement with this, especially at Hoppy House, especially in bedroom and bathroom.
I am going to replant certain aspects of the asks, and blow celebratory bubbles about all the ways that congruence happened and is still coming into play.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
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Visions! Of Possibility! and Anticipation!
(Varying! Portals! to Amsterdam!)
(Veeerrry! Possibly! Astonishing!)
What do I want?
Thing one: The best most radiantly present beautiful perfect Blanket Forting.
I want all its right people to be there. I want it to be imperfectly perfect. I want bing and beauty and harmoniousness for everyone. I want the ebook to be written and sent out by tomorrow!
I want to have access to grounding, support, love, heldness, sweetness, and permission. I want to introduce the essence of the blanket fort to its right people and let them develop their own relationships.
I WANT THIS TO BE AMAZING!
Ways this could work:
It could be like when I teach Shiva Nata, and Shiva Nata whooshes into the room and everyone gets to play with it.
Which is another way of saying: RADIANT PRESENCE!
It could also be just like a blanket fort! Silly and fun and hanging out and talking!
I could remember to not over-explain *and* it could be okay when I over-explain because I’m held too.
I’ll play with:
Breathing exercises for radiant presence.
Doing lots of Shiva Nata.
Drinking water. And then more water.
Jotting down a few notes.
Letting the ebook come as it wants to come.
Thing two: I want the bedroom and office to reorder themselves.
Qualities of clarity, present time, flow, order, beauty, functionality, support, ease, and sweetness!
Ways it could work:
I don’t know yet. Both of our closets could hold more secrets than we know.
There are probably a lot of things I’m wrong about.
Oh! This totally has to do with boundaries and MY CASTLE (which I almost forgot to ask about for the second week in a row).
Pink and red go better together than I think?
I’ll play with:
Shiva Nata!
Setting up the altars first.
Noticing all the boundaries. Destuckifying the big stuck.
Loving the space! All the space! So much space!
Thing three: Welcoming in the castle
Point of clarity that is important to my monsters: the castle is not a physical castle and does not relate to my home in any direct way because my associations with home and with castle and do not go well together. My home is not my castle. May it never be so!
But I do want my castle! And I want to live in my castle. Just not physically or yes physically but the castle is not physical.
This is an identity shift. A deepening of sovereignty. It has a lot to do with boundaries.
Ways this could work:
Well, it’s ready to shift. All my stuff is coming up and hitting me in the face and pointing to this. So I can be with my stuff and follow where it leads me (in essence, not distortion.)
And Shiva Nata would be helpful. And (surprisingly) conversations with other people. Specific other people. Interesting.
I’ll play with:
The Floop!
Having said conversations.
Doing so much Shiva Nata. Silly Shiva Nata like today.
Noticing where I need my castle. Asking my castle to come in.
Last week I reasked for Brunching the Blanket Fort and the Blanket Fort was much more thoroughly brunched. With results! I also reasked getting closer to the Blanket Fort and it has been *seriously* present with me. And I *also* reasked for progress with Big and Little and then forgot about it but it totally happened and is in a very good place right now. (Also, arm wrestling boobs. It’s a thing.)
Then I also asked for getting all the f***ing furniture out of my apartment and it just left about 10 minutes ago. Yay! And then I wanted more radiant presence and that happened too! AND I would like more, so am reasking! Finally I wanted the chickens to be fed and that kind of happened but I’d like more destuckifying there.
Havi, hooray for more congruency- and bubbles!
This week I’m noticing I have a lot of things centering around flow and ease. Something for a general stone skipping!
Wanting, the first:
For Recess, and the planning and putting together of Recess to be fun and easy.
For all the pieces to flow together. To find the art supplies I want, and for the chair and table rental people to be reasonable. To have fun, no matter how many people come or don’t come.
What I can do: Data dump all notes, sort, and just follow the steps. And let it go!
Wanting, the second:
For more progress on the CE project. To figure out the next steps, and have them just flow into place. For people to see and understand the vision, and share the excitement. To relax about it a little.
What I can do: Write three next steps. Teeny, tiny steps.
Wanting, the third:
Easy writing. I found the lost notes from what I thought I was going to be revising… but there’s a new idea poking around the edges of my mind. A whole new world to build… and its not like there’s a contract or any rush on the other. So I may go play with that. And there’s a non-fiction project I want to just reach out for. And I think it may be time for guest posts. So much, much easy writing.
What I can do: Watch Beth’s video. Brainstorm for 30 min a day. Keep it fun!
Wanting, the fourth:
Easy cat transfer. The cat has a place to go, and is safe now. And I have most of the tests done. I just need to get a few more pieces into place, and he’ll be on his way. Crossing fingers his socialization has been going well!
What I can do: Email S about testing. Wait for R to email me that she’s back.
Havi, you are magic; what you wrote about PTSD is so very much something I needed to hear. Thank you.
Yay for congruency, bubbles, bells, and flow into flow!
Corie — Recess! I love this reminder of my favorite thing about school. I need recess as an adult too. Not a break or a sabbatical or a vacation, but a recess. Yes.
My VPAs:
This week I want EASE:
The last week and a half where it was over 100 every single day have been days of not doing much. They have been wonderful days of estivation, staying where it’s cool, going out early, as soon as it’s light, taking it easy, and reading a lot.
Now cooler temperatures are predicted (yay!), starting Sunday and I am ready for a different kind of EASE.
What I want:
Thing 1. Energy! Days of estivating (the summer equivalent of hibernating) have taken a toll and I feel lethargic. Combine the extreme heat, hot flashes, and inactivity, and I have become torpid as a turtle (reference to a very slow computer in an office where I used to work).
– Walking or other exercise.
– Nutrition. Water. Tuesday last was a zombie day because, as I realized at the end of the day, my electrolyte balance was off. Once I addressed that via food and water, I felt a lot better.
Note to self: on Zombie Days, always address possible nutritional deficits as a first step.
– Because lack of activity begets lack of activity and lethargy, I could do projects that involve physical activity, in addition to projects that are primarily mental.
– Projects that show a quick result or measurable/visible progress!
– Social interaction that nourishes me.
– Activities from the Happy List (the list of things I enjoy that I started for the 21 Chickens). The Happy List needs a better name.
Thing 2: Action. Taking action on various projects and TTDs. Addressing iguanas and aardvarks.
Maybe the thing to say is “being Active”, rather than Action: Being active enough physically to develop/maintain strength and energy and to do things that I need or want to do.
Where I want to take Action:
+ When the Butler comes, I want to try out his suggestion about moving the buffet.
– What will we do with the white desk?
– Paint the blue shelves and put in the dining room?
+ Declutter my bedroom and make the bed!
+ Move boxes into the studio and:
– arrange other things in the studio.
– work on the Piles of Iguanas in the workroom.
+ Have a time of Riding the Wild Donkey upstairs. With food provided by the Sandwich Gnomes (I want some veggie cream cheese and “everything bagels”) and a clipboard for the Internal Scientists to Make Notes.
+ Deadhead the rose bushes and cut out the wild asters.
+ Water the yard! Very early.
+ Declutter the front porch some more.
+ Wash the car!
+ Make calls to set up social activities (coffee dates and lunches).
Thing 3: Setting things up. Sometimes there are obstacles to doing what I want to do, so part of what I want this week is to recognize, preferably in advance, what those obstacles are and to make plans/take action to address them.
Setting things up for the week also means: doing Hello Week and writing out the Schedule and Plan for the Week; getting the right food; and —
Getting information.
Making decisions.
Making social appointments.
Thing 4. Elimination. Because of a medical condition, there physical issues about elimination. AND there are elimination issues in the decluttering and the iguanas and the other things that I want to do this week.
Obviously that is Stuckness. Ways to deal with the stuckness, depending on what area of my life, include:
Water and walking.
Decluttering and finding homes for things that need homes.
Work with the Butler (who is becoming an extraordinary helper of extraordinary helpfulness).
Clean out the refrigerator.
I put a copy of this VPA in my vade mecum and plan to consult it frequently this week as a reminder of what it takes to remove the stuck and create the ease I want.
And may it all happen with ease and grace, for me, for you, for all of us.
This is what I want – for my body to give me a sign or signs that the things I am doing are working.
I ran yesterday, for what I thought was a a better, faster run than ever before. But when I checked the clock at the end the time was no different than when I slog along, stop and can’t breathe. If I can’t trust the signals from my body, what can I trust?
I have been eating healthy, fewer calories, more protein, quinoa, green beans etc over the past couple of months. And yet, my body says – no, even all that work is not sufficient for me to release this fat. You get the same results as when you don’t pay attention to what you eat and feed me crap and laze about.
and I want a sign from Men that my efforts in that area are working. Date on Saturday, no chemistry. No attention from the men on Match, no prospects. And then my friend goes on about her newly separated friend who is glowing and men are falling all over her and I wonder where my glow went and why no one falls.
that is what I want.
I love Rhiannon’s new words, here are three of mine for this week:
Veritable Plethora of Acceptance!
Vines of Peaty Acacia!
Vittles with Plenty of Aplomb!
.
1. The container
I want it. I want to plant the 20% flag! I want to feel held and safe and triumphant!
Ways and means
Committing to the app. Or committing to the paper version. Chickening in general, not as a revue but as a part of the process. Oh! This has to do with slowing down and planning!! Ahhhh that feels like a much more congruent way to approach it. Phew.
Also, if this is what I want, then today is Day 1 again. (Pause (paws!) to chicken the app. Hooray!)
Play proxies
Playing with what I know about going slow. And with what I know about planning (like the green box that blocks the fridge light! what are the other signals?).
Also, this week is meant to be a proxy or fractal flower for many future weeks. This is like…the tiny skip-hop that gets you back into the double-dutch ropes. Rhythm! That is important too. And perhaps I should play with actual jumping with my actual jumprope? Yes.
2. “Yes and”
I feel very stuck in a “but/no” phase and I want more of the “yes and” mindset, please.
Ways and means
Stop drop and radiate culture! This means the culture of the yes goes with me wherever I go. What does this look like? A secret pass phrase in my pocket? A tiny telescope (what can I not see yet?) or a tiny magnifying glass (what is here under the surface?) perhaps, or both. Maybe I need to make a calling card identifying myself as a member of the Order of the Scope and Glass. Our motto: Yes!
Play proxies
Well the ways and means are already pretty full of play, actually, so that’s fun. But I’ll play with actually scheduling a time to make that calling card. I can also practice this with the little llama! She has all kinds of improv mojo and so after-dinner times can be times when we practice the improv and detecting rites of the Order!
3. Have the talk.
Yup.
Ways and means
I’ve done a lot of good work to get here, but I clearly have more pain around it. And of course the tide is changing all the time, but the touchstones remain the same: integrity, truth, opening, flow, passion, freedom, grounding, identity, sovereignty, new patterns, courage. So I can do more entry to connect to those parts of it. I also need to look at the schedule because there are only a few opportunities to make it happen this week, and then I can investigate if we can finagle some time alone.
Play proxies
Really hard to make this one feel playful, I’m scared that if I get too playful I’ll just lalalalala run away from the big scary talk. I need Shiva writ large as the cosmos to change this pattern, because it doesn’t have to be deathly serious–that is the old pattern of hiding. Perhaps I can play with Shiva to connect up the ease/openness qualities to hard words I wouldn’t normally put together with them.
.
In my VPA from two weeks ago, I asked to figure out what I want and boy howdy did that happen, though of course not in the way I thought. I also asked to pick up a lot of dropped threads, and some of them did but there are others still by the wayside. I’ll throw that back into the pot.
Yay VPAs!
Hi, friends!
Let me just start with YAY! Rally! Super excited!
(Here is something that Havi may not have mentioned about Rally! When you go to Portland, you can get Pixie Retreat RAW Labs’ unbelievable vegan kale and cashew cheese salad. I seriously cannot wait to eat this again.)
Then, a wee VPA: I am going to half-time other-employment in a few weeks, and before that happens, I want to create for myself a schedule that makes me hug myself with glee! I am almost there. I would like to be fully there this week. Maybe today.
Because it’s so much fun to create! YES.
This is just amazing…as always. Havi, sending you lots of sparkles and virtual hugs for what you’re going through this week. And lots of gratitude, too, for being willing to talk about it.
Because my biggest ask this week (ever? always? ongoing?) centers around just what you mentioned: “the people in my life who assume they can get involved.” Silent retreat on the details, but…yeah. I would really like to release some of my hurt along those lines, and figure out how to set up loving, clear boundaries—and hire a metaphor-mouse guardian (or something) to man (mouse) those borders. Lots of hurt, lots and lots and lots of fear around this.
I really have no idea, at this point, about ways I could make that work. But I’ll play with kindness to myself, and maybe coloring in some monsters. I think those things will help.
Smaller ask: I would really like the superpower of Actually Being a Blogger. Sigh. I think this could work with time set aside, proxies galore, a spot in a nice café, and comfy internet access (as opposed to the un-comfy internet access in my studio). I’m committed to making those things happen this week. I just have never verbalized the ask before. So on we go…
Reading about the Hat Parade on Friday reminded me of a thing I’ve been wanting for quite a while, so since I’m thinking about it again, I’ll make it a Vision of Possibility and Anticipation!
What I want: a wonderfully witchy, perfect pointy hat! I want this to be absolutely marvelous and of excellent quality — not something thrown together and mass-produced for purchase at Halloween superstores, but a well-made hat, a work of art and craft. It could be made of leather, or of some other delightful material.
Ways this could work: I can keep searching the Internets, and keeping my eyes open. Or maybe someone will read these words and send me a link to something wonderful. Or maybe someone who has made (or would enjoy making) such a thing could read these words and contact me!
I’ll play with: rocking my invisible pointy hat, and savoring the sovereignty it brings.
Hokay…. The hupdate:
Over the last six weeks I have asked for supercharged me-ness in a few different ways (knowing what comes next, greenhousing, four-Ss, clarity, focus, energetic containment, etc). Interesting. I’ve also asked for car fixing and that’s pretty much complete and computer acquisition is going to happen when money comes in. Didn’t go for solar power as the debt arrived and we need to prioritize that right now. *sigh*.
But really, the big one keeps circling around this idea of a strong sense of myself and my agenda and priorities, the ability to make decisions calmly, quickly and painlessly (or at least less-pain-ly), and to stop second-guessing my decisions to the point that I make up my mind and change it again the same second. It’s a waste of time and energy. I think.
I would like to process some of this stuff everyday this week. So that’s Wednesday to Tuesday. I’ll play with Flooping it up and a Downton proxy. I want to watch Downton every day for a week with the super seekrit proxy spy plan of understanding more about my ‘pollywaffling’.
Very Possibly Astonishing:
in the pot:
-Pleasant Transition back to Work and Children. Exiting Recoverie as I wish to continue: with ease, communication and support.
-better progress on Project There is No Spoon. Seriously I was doing well there. I need permission, amnesty and a renewed commitment
-return to the End of Shabby project, without spending more damn money. is this possible?
-attention to the whole writing thing. does this need a page in the Book of Me? a proxy? i need to work on this very soon. in addition to actually doing the writing.
Lots to play with.