Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Oh this weekend. It has been full of words. Beautiful words. I am having words. I am having all the words.
So let’s put these words into some visions.
What do I want this week? What do I want, in general?
Thing 1: Saying yes to the opening.
Here’s what I want:
Saying yes to all kinds of things opening, but specifically the opening of Stompopolis, our new and life-alteringly amazing space.
This requires that I finish what I began at Rally (Rally!), namely the sorting of pieces into three magical boxes-that-are-not-boxes.
One is the Plumlet. One is the On A Mission From God Statement slash Understatement.
And one is the Secret Hatch.
It doesn’t really matter. The point is: Me. Sitting down. At the table. And letting all the pieces fall into place. And then opening all the openings!
Delightedly. With grace and ease.
And if this turns out to be a secret fractal flower that helps other things open? Like passages, channels and portals. Or a thing that has to do with wine and stones, except that these are proxies…
All the better.
Ways this might work:
So many ways!
I am absolutely convinced that Beach Day is essential to the magic.
And also I could just wake up early full of vim and vigor and things like that.
And of course: commitment.
I’m playing with…
Well, shiva nata, obviously. That is the fastest way I know of to make a portal to a thing you want. And to do it through untangling the old patterns that are keeping you from finding the secret hatches.
I will also play with (related!) being the fox in the video game.
And with a thing that is like presence (“all the presents!”) but crazy-shiny and it glows.
Thing 2: What are the useful things about the stones?
Here’s what I want:
Not the stones that you skip. Though also those.
And not the stones that you can’t get milk from. Though also those.
But the stones (people and experiences) who come into your life and take you somewhere and then they are gone, and then you cry.
This week I want to look back at some stones from then. But to do this through putting my attention to the beautiful gifts I received from knowing stones, instead of remembering old stories about the unbearable sadness-anguish of goodbye, stone.
Ways this might work:
Asking curious loving questions.
Remembering the truth about excitement from the Book of Qualities.
Maybe it would help to invent some sort of ritual for saying thank you, stone.
Here is a lovely shining piece of truth that Kate told me, and something I have experienced myself many many times: Sometimes stones come back. When you’re ready for them.
I would like to remember that without being attached to it or needing it to be true.
I’m playing with…
Opening my heart and letting the fire inside, to quote J. Ruth Gendler.
Thing 3: Exiting July. Not so much exit as passage.
Here’s what I want:
I love exits. I love them as much or more than entry through preparing for the voyage. I love the spangly Revue. I love reflecting the reflections.
Except I have been avoiding doing this with my month because it seemed like the bookend to Hello, [Month] would be Goodbye, Month.
And I am not doing great with goodbyes right now. Exiting, yes. Saying goodbye, no.
So this needs a new name and a new form.
It needs to be a passage. A crossing.
And no goodbyes. Wishes of faring well. Like in the sea shanties. Fare thee well, my sweet fair maid. Thrive, my love, thrive. Thrive while I cannot be with you.
Not goodbye. I can’t take any more goodbye this year.
Ways this might work:
I am placing this here to find out.
I’m playing with…
Intention. Wanting what I want. Getting clear on the elements of exit that I love, activating those!
And making space for the pieces that still hurt.
In fact, let’s just start the whole damn thing with a long slow MOMENT of let’s-just-burn-it-all-down. Followed by a giant exhale for how much hard was hiding in this month.
Yes, quiet sweet loving acknowledgment is always the best door. Still.
Thing 4: Bells for Havi Bell! Almost-almost!
Here’s what I want:
This Friday is the day.
The process of my bell-ringing is complete, and then I become the bell and get to reverberate with all the qualities.
So. What do I want for this?
Preparing to meet me-of-Friday.
Doing sweet symbolic things for her, setting it up, making things sweet for her.
But mainly: Excitement. Anticipation. Tingle-joy.
Ways this might work:
Beach day, of course.
Going with Lady Chuck to get the things for the baths.
Immersion at the pools.
Writing love letters to Havi Bell about the bells and about all the ways that things can ring right now. Asking her how she wants to be welcomed.
Making all the Isabel jokes. Havi Bell is a bell is a bell is a bell, Isabel. Even though yes, there is sadness in there too. Identity is hard!
Oh! Oh! Look at this post I just found from two years ago called Ringing the Bell.
I’m playing with…
I will dance out the patterns with shiva nata and align all the alignments.
It will be spectacular.
Thing 5: Play-fueled everything!
Here’s what I want:
Let’s make this week run on play.
Pure essence of play. What would that be like? I want to find out.
I know that it involves, like everything else that is important: body, breath, attention, curiosity, open heart. And of course: having words. All the words!
Ways this might work:
Paying attention to what I need and want.
And then finding out how to bring more essence of playful into any situation.
This may require costume changes, and I am fine with that.
I’m playing with…
Dancing it up. Dancing it out. Gazelle state.
Playdate.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Oh wow. What a week, you guys.
I asked for big huge heart openings, and that was um…interesting. It happened, and with unanticipated side effects. I talked to my heart every evening, and breathed into it for twenty minutes every morning. When the Tiniest Goodbye That Was The Saddest Ending showed up, I was able to breathe my way through it.
Man, it’s almost like me from a week ago knew how much potential heartache was coming down the tube this week, because she had me exercising to prepare for it. When I asked for this, I didn’t realize how much anguish I would have to encounter, how distraught I would feel, how much I would need it.
But I’m glad I asked. Because it saved my ass this week.
Then I wanted to invite in an unasked question. And that was also very interesting. I pretty much never make an ask that involves someone else, because it just seems super unsovereign. People will do what they want. My asks are about my process, not their actions.
But this ask had to do with how I wanted to ask and receive, and it involved another person doing a thing. Which is sticky. Anyway. I looked at the situation again, and realized it wasn’t so much a question as an unchecked assumption.
And the thing with any conclusion is that once jumped, it will remain unexamined unless there is reason to examine it. It can’t be asked as a question because there is no question in the question.
So. I take back my request and will stay with the part of my ask that is about maintaining sweet receptivity to what is.
Then I wanted writing AND IT HAPPENED! Joyful appreciation!
Playful playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Here or on your own or in your head. It’s all fine. Or call silent retreat!
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
If you’re looking for suggestions or heart-sighs or anything else related to your wish, you will need to ask for that because our default mode is giving each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We make space for people’s wishes.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Follow
Checking the visions of last week:
V1: No more scale. I did a very poor job with this. It’s the most simple – hide scale. Instead I put it under my bed where I can just reach out with a toe and get it. But, it had less power over me this week, which is good.
V2: More effort. This was good. I kept repeating “you have everything you need” as I ran, and I ran well and far and fast this week. Let’s continue this.
V3: Gentlemen friends. This didn’t go so well. I don’t know what to do to make this go better. I guess keep asking the Universe for guidance, opening my heart and taking action, although that is where I am fuzzy.
V4. Thriving business. I did some Value/Goal/Actions work for my business this week, and took some crucial actions and more clients came in and hired me and gave me money so yay! Let’s continue this too.
This Week:
I am envisioning living in integrity with my values, and holding my seat. Things I can play with: meditating, practicing the pause (paws!) on my meditation bench so I can practice it in person too.
Re-placing the visions from last week and silent retreating on the hows.
Havi,
Oh the stones. Wishing you playfulness and whatever healing still needs to happen. Also, today I realized that I need a Book of Qualities too. Started on it now.
I realize I haven’t done a VPA in quite awhile. Mucho monster-mashing of my wishing – too superficial, too demanding, too silly, too, too, tutu.
Wish/want #1: To spend more time doing Shiva Nata. I think I need a friend to do it with me, so wishing for that too.
The how it could happen:
* I could just do it.
* Someone could offer to do it with me.
* I could talk to the monsters who tell me there’s a better way to do it than I know right now.
What I’ll commit to:
* Exploring.
Wish/want #2: To get this project done faster and with more ease than the last time.
The how it could happen:
* Do Dance of Shiva every day while working on it (see above).
* It could just happen
* I could use my focusing partnership as a place to explore
* I can talk with Future me – I like talking with her, she’s way more confident than I am.
Commitment:
Playing with the above
Previous wishes/wants
I wanted someone to buy our beautiful house. We got very close negotiating with couple and came to a price. They backed out before going to contract cause they had already committed to a different house before negotiating with us. What’s with that!
Anyway, Still want this. A lot. Even though it means huge change and goodbyes and stuff I don’t usually like.
It’s been a while since I’ve VPA’d, it feels like! And sending much love to your Visioning.
Wish 1: For the superpower of Whoosh!
How it could happen: I could remember to do the set up. Force fields, shiva nata, conscious entry, rest. I could look at what I want to do and pop it in special (but SIMPLE and WHOOSH-QUICK) containers. I could just take nibbles.
My commitment: starting with a simple list and a simple metaphor. Saying “whoosh!” whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Wish 2: Finding a jungle guide.
How it could happen: he/she could find ME, like my V.A. did. Or I could think of qualities, and find him/her. Or I could find several people/books/groups/whatever that fit the bill.
My commitment: to write an OOD for my guide. 🙂
Mwah. Love you guys.
Thing 1: reciprocity wrangles
I’m resenting gifts to people who can’t be arsed to write thank-you notes. I’m haunted by past friendships that foundered because I was too self-absorbed. I’d like to make peace with feeling like a fool, feeling petty, etc. and move the heck on.
WTCW:
I dunno. Maybe some sort of intentional exorcism-by-association — i.e., when I find myself stewing or dwelling on this stuff, write x or clean y or file z?
I’ll play with that.
Thing 2: cell phone spam
I want it to cease. And I also want my provider to downgrade my plan properly, like I requested three months ago. Though what I really want is some combination of cheap plan + better phone. Though what I really want underneath all that is the financial security to enjoy the better phone (so a not-so-cheap plan would be fine, if I’m earning enough to feel I can afford it).
WTCW:
Follow up with my provider. And with the You Shouldn’t Be Spending Money on Anything monsters.
Warm wishes to you all.
Visioning! I have realized how important this practice is. Re-realized, perhaps. Because wow. Just wow.
Thing One! Is for centered-holding
Everything is in the air. Physically (but also in other ways), my stuff is everywhichwhere and a lot of the future is less than 100% certain. Usually when this happens, I go into a modified version of the infant startle response and there is panic and terror and unpleasantness.
So I would like not-that. Specifically feeling centered and held. Finding the center. Like in Shiva Nata where you just let the positions swirl around you, and you are in the middle, and the middle is safe and power in chaos.
Ways this could work:
Well, I could do Shiva Nata. And ring bells every morning and every evening and every other time. Walks in the park? Rituals? Hanging out at Stompopolis…
I’ll play with:
The above. And Flooping. And even more Shiva Nata because is there anything better for helping you arrange things? No. There isn’t.
Thing two! The Purple house.
There is a house. It’s not purple. But it wants to be. It also wants to be my house. Or mine and the hubsters. There are ridiculous bank and regulatory obstacles to us owning this house but we have the money and we are going to try.
I want the purple house! But whether or not we get the purple house, I want to feel calm and centered and not freaking out in every moment about whether or not we get the purple house. I want to be aligned to potential and purpose and congruence and beauty and desire and love and haven and safety and mostly to what is meant to be.
Ways this could work:
I already made a list of everything my monsters do when something is not 100% certain, and now that it’s so obvious this is just my stuff, the monsters have calmed down a little bit. Overall, I could just be in loving alignment to all the qualities above. Instead of in my stuff.
I’ll play with:
Thinking loving thoughts towards this home, and towards myself. And towards my wanting, which is beautiful. I could do Shiva Nata with the qualities! I will wander around this neighborhood soaking up the joy of living here.
Thing three! In-law visit.
In order to work on papers for the house, my mother-in-law will be staying with us for a few days.
I would like it to go well. I would like to have my castle, effortlessly, so that I can enjoy what an enjoyable person she is instead of being stressed that I have to ask out loud for what I want.
I want ease for her, and for me. Space for her, and for me. Fun for her, and for me.
Ways this could work:
It just could. The days could flow really easily without a need for much clarifying of what happens when and why. The paperwork could go easily for her. The house could be organized and unpacked by then.
I’ll play with:
Entering the experience. Doing Shiva Nata on it. Hangin’ out at Stompopolis. Taking time to myself.
Thing four! The August trip.
There is a trip. In August. A trip I feel very ambivalent about. And then last week it sounded like the reason we were going had evaporated and I was almost relieved. Then the reason reappeared. AND some of the other reasons reconfigured themselves.
Basically I don’t know where I want to go or when or how or whether. And I would like…easy knowing. To take in all the new data and reconnect with myself and do the thing that will be most joyful and loving for everyone involved.
Ways this could work:
I could use the clews from breakfast with D and having the movers in town. I could just come clear, feel clear, be clear. At least on what I want. So I can talk to other people.
I’ll play with:
More Floop time. More Stompy time. Letting reconfigurations of home space fractal flower it. Untangling the clews (and celebrating the celebration). Hoping.
Last week
I wanted a guitar and I HAVE A GUITAR! And I know four chords and it is glorrrrrious!!
I wanted to feel the house hum, and holy cow did *that* happen. Not only did we find and acquire a rental house (that I am currently sitting in, all moved in), but as described above, we found the perfect house to buy. And the houses we were waiting to sell sold. So all in all, massive progress house-wise. And humwise.
Advanced blanket forting happened a little bit, but with less ease than I would have liked. Reasking for that, and reaffirming that I’d like it to happen with ease.
I wanted my castle minus the rage, and that didn’t happen (first, lots of rage and then no rage and no castle), BUT I had a huge clew about what the rage meant and that it was actually a good thing and it told me how to transform it. So I would like flow and ease for this transformation.
Aaaaand… visioned. 🙂
Okay! Wishing, today. Because. Because I need to goddammit.
What I want:
For this to be easier. Or, y’know, for me to be stronger. To be able to knuckle down and do my work without dreading it, without feeling anxious, without freaking out even a little because even a little feels too much.
Ways this could work:
– Meditating before I get to work could come easier. Clearing my mind could be easier. That would be nice.
Aside from that, I’m stumped.
I’m playing with:
Oh, god, I don’t even know anymore. I’ve been attacking this for months and every day feels like an uphill battle.
Yay, Visions of Possibility and Anticipation! Yes, that is exactly what I need right now!
Thing 1, or The Only Thing:
(Because everything is all tangled up in this right now…)
Turning the Block into a Door
Here’s what I want:
I have run into a major stuckness, and there is much panic among the monsters. This block seems to be the Doom of DOOM! But I had a realization today (thanks, Shiva Nata!) that perhaps this huge scary block is actually a grand door of possibility!
(Of course, that is also scary, because change is hard!)
So I want to fully understand how this block is a door – and if I can’t completely see how, I want to at least trust that it is and prepare to go through it. Hopefully soon!
Ways this might work:
Ummm…?????
Harmonious timing.
A perfect simple solution will appear.
There is nothing that cannot happen.
I’ll play with:
Trusting in uncertainty.
Trusting in trust.
Asking for support.
Recognizing and letting go of what is not mine. Elevator shaft!
Processing on the Floop.
Blowing bubbles.
Listening to the music that helps.
Yin yoga (with my totems and my ticket of trust!).
(Oh, and I’ve been thinking so much about stones since the June Rally!)
So much love and sparkles to all the VPAs! 🙂
Wishes and more wishes!
An update on last week’s VPAs: I asked for specific qualities in my search for gainful employment, and opportunities turned up this week so quickly I could hardly keep track! Including one posting that made everything in my chest say YES and my first call-back and interview in months. I also asked for clarity about reconnecting with someone, and we had some really great moments this week. It is still ongoing and I am going to continue examining that ask and seeing what I can find in the layers underneath.
Onwards!
Ask A: Structure and Mapping
In the wake of all the (excellent! positive! exciting!) opportunities I found last week, I am asking for a scheme and a map to help me navigate through all the things that need doing in order to follow-up and make the most of each one.
I’ll play with: Sitting and breathing, looking for simple solutions, not re-inventing the wheel, trusting myself.
Ask B: Silent Retreat, but mainly I’m asking for patience and gentleness with myself. As well as the ability to treat myself with at least as much compassion as I offer other people.
I’ll play with: Self-awareness, the reminder that now-is-not-then, giving the hurt parts of me what they need, taking it slowly.
Ask C: There are many things I need to write this week. I’m looking for space and a small, silent bubble to hide in so that what needs to be done, gets done. Both literal and metaphorical bubbles are acceptable.
I’ll play with: Saying no, setting my space, finding my headphones!, ninja escape skills, and the phrase “I’m leaving for a while, but I’ll be back.”
Happy week and wishes to everyone.
Thing 1: Outrageous sovereignty
I want to feel very contained in my body and space. I want to feel like the air parts way before me. I want to glide and bend and return. I want to accept what I want and to move towards it. I want to make space for all of myself in each moment. I want the intention to move all of myself in the direction of that which I want to make the space that will then contain me. With lots of delicious side-benefits and surprises.
I’ll play with: imagining the air moving around me. And connecting to the bedrock, which is love, which is where I live.
That is all for this week.
*fairy dust* and *fire flies* for everyone’s visions, and for everyone’s hard stuff and good stuff that accompanies the travel towards what you want.
xoxo
Visions ! They are here. Sending steady calm growth love for everyone.
Last week’s asks
I wanted Amelie time, and I found it :). I found back my old notebook and I did remember what I used to love about my project. I also fell ill and not everything was easy but oh well. And finally, I spent some time connecting to the people in the other country, and that was lovely although I will re-ask it, too.
thing 1: co-working
I just remembered. I used to organize things around here, and I would like a sort of playdate in this city with the other students, set up by me, with all the sillyness that comes with playdating.
wicw – planting the seeds, remembering about ease. emailing the emails.
thing 2: A steady souvereign work space
Possibly related to the above. I want to re-inhabit, re-forcefield my work space from the beginning. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually (almost-quoting captain Jack Sparrow, with a wink in the eye).
wicw magic. so much magic and protection spells and i will practice them. also: ease. invoking ease!
thing 3: Time & Space Design
Speficically the time part. I haz ideas. I’d like to draw them up. I haz also been slightly stuck on it.
wicw monster convo’s or playdating or personal picknick with project events.
thing 4: Ease
Speaking of ease, i am invoking a special sauce of ease to come with the entire week. I am not ready for hard, I am not inviting the hard or the challenging just yet (while I did remember that I enjoy the challenging sometimes so not to worry it will come back).
wicw i don’t know but I am willing to find out !
wheeeeeeeeeee. welcome, week!
Oh, Havi! Superwarm reception for Stompopolis! YAY!
For me: asking for ease. Have to do a big crazy intellectual conceptual thing this week, and it makes my brain hurt.
Sometimes my brain hurts right before everything pops into place. Then I just have to be ready to see how the pieces go together, so I can recreate it in space.
Wanting all of that to happen.
And then, to get ready for Beach Week on the coast of Maine. Ooooh, cold and knitting and puzzles and walks and salt air and fog and all manner of quiet deliciousness.
I wanted the way of letting the continued letting go be more gracious….
And here you gave it to me
“And no goodbyes. Wishes of faring well. Like in the sea shanties. Fare thee well, my sweet fair maid. Thrive, my love, thrive. Thrive while I cannot be with you.”
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Muuuuuch better
Thank you x
Yesterday, I had an aching, anxious gwish for a thing that I’m nervous about today to go smoothly and gracefully. Today, I feel that it is coming true, along with a marvelous side benefit that feels hugely important! So, now I’m also gwishing for more movement with that, and for all the little lingering fragments to dance together and re-configure over the next few days, setting the stage for my Incoming Self.
Silent retreating on the details, mostly because this feels like a day when I need to move around, and not spend too much time in the Internet river. Blowing kisses for everyone’s visions!
Visions of possibility
Oddly agitated today, for no good reason. Which is making this more difficult than it should be, but figure just roll through it and throw it into the pot!
I want to meet everything this week with serene radiance and self-confidence.
One thing I can do: Three times a day, sit for just a minute and visualize my mission.
I want to find time to work on my stories every day.
One thing I can do: Work on them every time S goes out to practice.
I want to keep clearing out old commitments.
One thing I can do: Make a list of everything pressing on me, and do one thing that looks easy.
I want to get 1000 words done on moving to Borneo (yes, it’s a proxy).
One thing I can do: put on the timer for 15 minutes every evening, and just bash the word out. Fix them later.
I want to lighten the load in the house.
One thing I can do: Find the contact information for the people about the silver.
See, honey? That’s all do able. One itty bitty thing at a time!
What I’m possibilitizing this week: Conscious interaction with some of the patterns and structures in my life, which have been changing in recent weeks.
Ways this might work: I could get out a new notebook and write in it. Shiva Nata. Shiva Nata just really needs to happen. I could play with my thoughts, and beliefs, and actions.
I’ll play with: Shiva Nata all the way.
Thing 2: Interaction with the business thing I’m feeling stuck with.
Ways this might work: I could gather the papers all in one place. I could get out my book that helps with these things. I could write down steps in my notebook.
I’ll play with: Doing some train journaling about the stuckness surrounding this.
Progress on last week’s VPAs:
Well, first I asked for celebration, and that totally happened! I welcomed and accepted cheers (some of which came from fellow VPA-ers; thank you!). I also exclaimed excitedly, and gave myself treats. And we had a celebratory cheese evening, and some Olympics-watching.
The business-systematizing didn’t really happen, but it’s transformed into one of this week’s VPAs.
Fabulous wishes for everyone’s VPAs!
Checking in from last time. I had asked for more mental space and for ways to be more in touch with my intution.
I don’t know how well I did with this. I mean, the weekend did help to get perspective for the mental space, but where will I be at the end of this week? I need to put some more space making routines into my days I think.
Also, on the intution front – I don’t even know where to begin, except to trust myself. I’d like to play with this, and perhaps tarot/cartomancy this week. As an intuition exercise. And just… I don’t try to be more open to new experiences.