Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Only two wishes this week, but they’re kind of involved. And special.
And, I’m just now realizing, related.
Thing 1: Like Eric is about the donuts.
Here’s what I want:
I want people — people who appreciate magical wonder — to be as excited about Stompopolis as Eric is about these creme brûlée donuts!
“They’re not even donuts. They’re fine magical light fluffy pastries fried in truffle oil, under the disguise of a lesser name. The creme brûlée donut is the best but please note that creme brûlée donut is somewhat elusive. They only make a small amount, seemingly between 11 and noon, and sell out fast. Once they sell all their donuts, they close so: no set hours.
“They have a peanut butter and jelly one too that’s basically a jelly donut with powdered peanut butter. So when you bite into it, your saliva (sounds gross but bear with me) makes the peanut butter. And today’s creme brûlée came with an orange simple syrup in a squizzy thing that you pump into the donut before eating. Delightful!!! ”
Oh man.
I don’t even eat donuts and I want to be around these donuts. Well, I want to be around someone else while they’re eating these donuts.
I want to be around people who are this delighted in things in general, and I want people to talk like this when they talk about Stompopolis and how thrilled they are to have found it. I want ERIC DONUT LEVELS (E.D.L.) of gloriously joyful, over-the-top effusive delighted enthusiasm.
That is my beacon. That is the lighthouse I am following. That level of delight. Also people who can allow themselves to delight like that. I adore delight. It’s one of the best parts of being alive.
Though maybe that part isn’t necessary, because one of the magical things about Stompopolis is that people who do not normally delight in things find themselves delighting in ALL KINDS of things there…
The qualities inside of the want:
Delight, obviously. What else?
Joy. Enthusiasm. Presence. Sparks. Surprise. Wonder. Irrepressibility! Celebration.
And the superpower of Invisible But Secretly Visible Glitter Confetti.
Ways this might work:
People who have been to Stompopolis or visited it or played in it at Rally (Rally!) could write about it in some form. Not in a formal way, just referencing it and something about their experience and gleeful appreciation of its magic.
That would be amazing.
More people to play with us on the Stompy twitter and Facebook and instagram/stompstagram!
Our international Passionate Adorers of Stompopolis maybe know Portlanders who could also use some of this hot donut-like magic…
I have no idea. I am putting it here and letting the seed be seeded.
(Note: I don’t need marketing advice, I’m great at growing things, this isn’t about that, it is about delight.)
I’m playing with…
Enjoying. Enjoying that this level of enthusiasm exists.
And faith. Trusting and knowing that if ever there was a place in the world worthy of Eric Donut Levels of delight, I HAVE BUILT IT. Now it is time to let it be found by the people who need it and don’t know that they need it because who could know something like that?
p.s. If you’re coming to a Rally in 2014 (dates coming soon!), you’ll have to go try and find one of these donuts….
Thing 2: Something about removing contact points with toxicity.
Here’s what I want:
I am not entirely sure how to explain this.
Something about living in permanent silent retreat mode has made me extra-sensitive to all kinds of things.
No, that is not true. Living in permanent silent retreat mode has made me extra-aware of how sensitive I have always been, and how I don’t respect these sensitivities.
Which is interesting. I mean, if I were dangerously allergic to walnuts, for example, I’d commit to making sure I never consume anything with walnuts.
And yet, I am dangerously allergic to all kinds of subtle things. I know this. And I don’t do anything about it.
Example of this: I finally stopped taking dance class with the instructor who makes constant negative comments about her body. I don’t want to be around that. I don’t want to even be breathing the air of we’re-doing-this-because-how-we-are-is-not-good.
That’s not why I dance. I dance because I am ALIVE. Because of VITALITY and PLEASURE. I dance to feel like a gazelle.
Anyway. I’d like to get better at noticing all these access points where toxicity shows up (in the form of things that I perceive as potential allergens to me), and removing them.
The qualities inside of the want:
Spaciousness. Love. Presence. Steadiness. Protection. Shelter. Glow. Time.
And the superpowers of Taking Exquisite Care of Myself and Shining Radiant Boundaries Activate.
This is all related to the TIME class, of course. Yes.
Ways this might work:
More AIR (accessing internal resonance!), specifically via airplane mode on the phone.
I’m noticing kind of a more general wish that the entire world would come with trigger warnings: Hi, we’re about to talk about something horribly traumatic. Or: This short and pretentious piece of New Yorker fiction includes references to emotional abuse, heads up!
They sometimes give a warning on the radio if they’re discussing war crimes or whatever, but not with assault and physical abuse. World: please please please give us a chance to find a buffer and strengthen force fields before you spring this stuff on us.
Except, yeah. Since this might not happen for a few years: Havi Bell, please take time and space to make conscious decisions about what gets to be in your environment.
I’m playing with…
Paying attention to what I need, how I feel and what would help.
Talking to the monsters and using the coloring book & manual to dissolve pain.
(I see you, You’re A Big Crybaby Stop Being So Sensitive And Get Over It Already. And I know where you come from. You’re from then. And I know what you want: to keep me safe from pain. I’m on board with that mission too, so I know we can work this out.)
Noticings about the things I want this week…
Presence and play. Shelter and spaciousness. Delight and plenty.
This is what is important to me right now, in this and in everything. So this is good.
Bonus wishes, please!
Some of these are secret agent code and some of them are things I’m silent retreat-ing on. Some are qualities that will help. And some are almost pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Cutting the flower stems.
- Marigold missions. Package. Making this fun.
- Dance dance dance.
- Same as always: strong radiant glowing boundaries.
- Time with Bond Girl.
- Patience re Agent E. Trusting truth and letting this take as long as it takes.
- Compass.
- Giving R the booklet.
- Writing the bullet points. Hmm, rename bullet points? Kugelpunkte, which is not the same thing but should be, is way funnier. Mmm, kugel.
- Vitamin Sea.
- Activating the card.
- Tell Stan!
- Is it a rebus? More on the mystery of when is a chart not a chart? And when are pirates actually spies?
I’m playing with…
The superpower of remembering that challenges can be mysteries instead. And that this can be fun if I commit to letting it be fun.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted to set up the Bond Girl mission, and I haven’t. However I’ve done a lot of thinking about it and am super excited. I also am getting the feeling that it needs to happen in May, so playing with that.
I asked what is like a chrysalis but not a chrysalis and got the exact right answer. Now to set it up. Yes, setting things up is the challenge mystery at the moment, but I am trusting that all timing is right timing. And I will play with this at the wonderful Floop.
Then I wanted the 36 mish’alot, and that happened!
I asked for hamsas, and Richard made me one. By hand. And hand-painted it. And on the back it says: For the protection of Havi Bell.
Wow. Delight. See? Delight.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Follow
Challenge = mysteries. Something for me to play with, especially vis a vis the MGGCs. What is their mystery? I will attempt to unravel it this week or at least make some tiny inroads.
The week that was:
This week–and especially, the long weekend–was full of ACCOMPLISHINGS, which I am glad about but also feeling and as a result) in need of extra doses of Appreciations and
Rewardings.
What I want:
Play. Fun. Ease. Delight. Sweetness.
What That Might Look Like:
Coffee and conversation with MRZ, MD, TS. Wanderings and random shoppings and leisurely basketweaving (*with breadcrumbs.
Make zee reservation — It’s a sprint! But it’s also a sweet looking-forward-to. (This is sort of a chicken but I’m VPAing the sweetness)
Also: Reigning in the Internet OCD. Continue! Today I got Freedom & I love it. Continue to explore how it can help with creating strong and spacious containers–especially for things beyond the obvious Accomplishings.
Stone for the week: How can I make this as easier–as easy as possible (and even easier than that)?
Also: ALL the amnesties and ALL the permissions!
Ooh, delight!!! Delight is the most important quality in my life right now! I discovered on my birthday (a month ago to the day!) that my purpose in life is to spread delight! And I am a conduit of delight because I am delighted by so many things, and I transmit that delight to others! Yay!!!
Stompopolis delights me! By looking at my Stompy calendar, I can access the delight I felt when I was there! And I know with absolute certainty that I will visit again and be even more delighted! 😀
Delight! Yes! Surely part of Taking Exquisite Care of Myself involves delight.
Which is what I want.
I haz projects this week, and I want them to be delightful:
Project Hammer
Project I
Project SPW-dig
Project Duarte I and II
So much resonance here.
Even though I’m an ocean and a continent away from the ‘real’ Stompopolis, the Stompy calendar brings me SO MUCH delight every day.
(Delight, I think, has to be one of my wayfinder words for the year.)
“Living in permanent silent retreat mode has made me extra-aware of how sensitive I have always been”
Yes. This.
Hand-on-heart sighs for Havi Bell and for all the sensitives, wherever we may be.
VPA’ing for strong force fields. Star Trek deflector shield strength!
Oooh… I am suddenly reminded of the pink-painted tires in an elementary school classroom I spent one summer in. They had bright pillows inside and were for sitting in while reading.
I think I’m reminded of this because I also think of tires as buffers against things that want to crash against me or to jar my bones.
A Thing for this week: tires to cushion my tired. I need to do my job regardless of shoes, shoulds, spikes of ambition, sullen/surly exes, unshed baggage, and other sad stamina-siphoning things.
Qualities: rest. safety. faith. (pampering. comfort. don’t tell the monsters.)
Ways this might work: Asking more questions. Like whether I even need to write down the new questions.
“Summer school” mind (escape!) instead of graduate-school mind (grind). Or in complement to.
Hatful of permission slips: I don’t have to do or be anything else by [date]. Just this. Everything else is bonus awesome.
Maybe start a physical 2014-2015 calendar? Hrmmm…
Playing with: new lounges for the ess-crowd. Better soundproofing. Gooey-yummy snacks to keep those fangs busy.
Plus (looking at last week): I haven’t yet decorated the “next time” page. It’s not a should. But that’s something else to play with if I start feeling snarly.
EDL! Mmmm. Maybe I’ll pick up some donuts after today’s shift. Because supermarket donuts will always be a luxury to me. Because I woke up dreaming about a dessert that wasn’t quite right being discussed at a meal where scarcity of time was crowding me. Because being an adult who can treat myself to a donut without anyone who matters telling me no is EDL-awesome.
Flowers and donuts and warm wishes to all who wants ’em.
I am just tickled pink about those donuts! That is hilarious and so much fun. Stompopolis is the best thing ever, I am in awe of it so much that I get a little wordless.
I wish there were trigger warnings everywhere too. I have come to think of Twitter as Trigger. I wish there were a special romper room area or something. I would like to stay off of there for the next few weeks.
This week, kicking off today with the new moon in Pisces, that’s nice when it happens on a Monday:
1. Finish this round of the Thing.
2. Do so by taking care of self and choosing to rest in between sessions, also by stopping and not pushing it at night, also keep not eating sugar (which is totally great and easy, at some point I should review how I put that into place)
3. Possibly try various resting recordings that I purchased a million years ago and never used.
4. Continue to process 2012 and move in to more clarity on the so far excellent goal/focuses that are emerging for 2013 so I’m ready to set it in play at the equinox.
Sovereignty. DGAF. Whoosh. Not checking the locks (proxy) so much, there is help and love here. Completion. The right thing just shows up. Ease. And more sovereignty. Peace, like the beautiful moment that sort of descended last night, more of that please.
Update on last week, when I enVisioned a simple-but-not-easy habit change: there is progress, and there is useful information! I’d like to keep building on that this week, playfully, and In Grand Fashion.
Remember when I had the epiphany about moving up to my right place in line? I met with the people today who are up there. Who said “hmm, let’s figure out where in this line you can be. What coins have you collected so far? Where do you think you’ll go from here?” And the lady who has the horse and the sword and said “I will figure out where we go next, and here is what you need to know.” I thought maybe it was just a chat, but they had their abacuses out and their brass tacks and a copy of my newsletter and it seemed real.
And I didn’t panic. I held my seat. I remembered my clients who love me. I didn’t shy away when they said “your life will change.”
And while I was meeting with them, clients were calling and emailing me. And my options were staying open.
So this is my vision: that they don’t look at my meager coins and say “no” but that they see the path ahead of me and the benefit I can be to the ship and they say “yes, come aboard, we will all get further if you are here.”
And that all the other things I want from this will be. And that my brain will blossom like a sponge in water and my soul will be filled with the amazingness of it all.
Whao…I’ve been out of this lovely and delightful loop here for a bit. I made a major MOVE! Put all my stuff in storage and left my igloo in the middle of the big city and headed up to the big sky country. It took me a while to get over the agony of exertion and then exhaustion, but I feel I can swing my arms here more and my mind.
I relate to being overly sensitive and looking back at the firey yang city I left, it was full of warningless triggers and traumas. My big heart has been weak for the troubled who often turn out to be more trouble than I’ve needed and it’s nice to put miles between them and me.
Being an HSP, I don’t know why I fail to protect myself more either. I really don’t. In keep my thoughts more pure and good, I need to keep the space around me socially and inter-personally and mentally more pure and good as well.
Been thinking a lot about Buddhism and how I often act “unskillfully” in various situations. Or how I often react rather than take a moment or a full day or two and then respond to the situation at hand. Someone said once to take a moment before responding to a situation. As cliche as it may sound, it is often better to think before acting, “Is this in line with the spiritual self I am becoming?” Sometimes, no, it is not, but it is most authentic and that is where I sometimes have to work from.
Overall, though, I am delighted in my new/old enviornment asking myself why I ever left but do I want to put down roots here again? The land of ancestors, the land of beauty, but no city?
I have to lay down some gratitude first:
Grateful for:
A big gorgeous house all to myself for six weeks
Big Sky healing powers
The comfort of snow on the ground and wildlife everywhere
The nice people in the college town
A happier terrier pal
The fact that synchronicity forced a change on me I had thought of but was not sure of yet.
Not paying rent for a while
Going with the flow
Thing 1 for this week: Stay totally present in Big Sky and Enjoy and Delight in all its bountiful gifts.
This is the only way I will know if I want to move back here to live.
Qualities inside of the want: Expansion, Healing, Freedom, Clarity.
Ways this might work:
Remember to stay in the Now and cast out any negative thoughts.( I am finally getting it that I have to stay positive in order to be at peace or find a way to be at peace in strife.)
Seek guidance from within and without. Asking, “Where would you have me go, what would you have me say, and to whom?”
Imagine what it could or might be like from the easiest to the grandest scale of possibility and then do the same for where I came from (as it is still a viable option.)
Playing with: Contacting various entities for more information, staying in the flow, seeing what presents itself. Considerations. Keeping it real.
Thing 2 – More healing. Still I need more energy and more productive time.
Ways this might work: Become an earlier riser, less caffiene, more consistent ashtanga, yoga nidra, pacing, and yet I already have more energy since coming here!
Playing with – Still staying mostly off of Facecrack except to respond. (Yay me!!) Becoming more efficient and zen like in routine endeavors, one thing at a time, having fun at mundane things, rewarding myself for proper use of low level energy. Playing with energy itself. Noticing my breath.
Engaging the superpower of super-presence to the unfolding of this adventure I find myself on.
Bonus wishes:
Earlier rising
Less caffeine
Great art opportunities ( which are already in the making here)
Okay…Males. They’ve been on my mind – that I will meet the right guy in the big sky (preferably in the next six weeks) and it will all be settled once and for all.
Art contacts while here
Great finds
My card actually gets here
Car gets cheaper
X-country skiing
Time to start putting in time on art again.
Ebay sales go well.
Thank you!
P.S. Forgot to add that I’m playing with the idea of visiting ancestors in the cemetery here once a week and having discussions with them about what to do?
Eric Donut Levels! I read this first as “Epic” Donut Levels but I can see that this Eric fellow really embodies something epic and that just comes with.
Totally onboarding the idea of Eric Donut Levels.
Here is something I have realized about me and toxicity. And this is not about anyone else, just about me, but here it is:
I can no longer have asymmetrical relationships with teachers. Just can’t. Toxic!
I am kind of feeling about my old way of relating to teachers the way I feel about New Yorker fiction altogether: SO not worth it. It’s just gonna get me, every time.
That is why it was total ERIC DONUT LEVELS of thrill and delight and symmetry to have you on Silent Retreat at Rally!, Havi. So perfect in every respect. So unexpected. Miraculous, actually. OMG I loved the spaciousness it created.
And it was warm, companionable, delightful space. BIG THANKS.
The very personal ad of being able to step in and out of the river!
Here’s what I want –
The River (yes, that River!) is becoming pretty deep and wide and it’s hard to swim back to shore.
Silent retreat for the rest.
Qualities inside the want:
spaciousness. celebration. joy. forgetfulness. all of the power of forgetfulness.
Ways this might work:
Imagining a big bubble that is an extra special amazing forcefield so that I can swim in the river without getting stuck in it.
Visiting Stumpopolis with intention to explore what that could feel like. Scuba adventure!
I’m just going to let the idea of a scuba adventure exist.
I’m playing with:
Clews for my space that relate to water and swimming. Turtles! A turtle can live in the water without being a part of it.
Or maybe it’s all about sharks. Sharks live in the water and thrive in it, they don’t need a scuba adventure. I will summon the spirit animals so that they can swim with me!
(I feel better already.)
Having the scuba diver image let me deal with the conversations that I needed to have. (mumblemumble silent retreat works again!!)
—
I have been spreading the Stompy sparks in my own ways. I have taken the sovereignty that Stompy gives and the spaciousness and the loving kindness and I have imagined that they are little bubbles in the river and I am spreading the bubbles all through the little eddies and the place under the log by the waterfall.
The bubbles hit all of the right people at the right time.
(blows kiss @amye!)
There is so much in this post that resonates deep. Thank you and heart sighs.
Past VPAs:
-i’ve been asking for the many peices to start revealing the way they fit and that’s been happening LOTS lately. what makes this happen: Flailing and Best Practices, espcially Exiting the Day well and lots of sleep
-i asked to be okay with waterloggin my STompolis calndar and i am. i still kinda cringe at april and july, but despite it’s more “antique’d” appearance, it still does its job beautifully
-i have not gotten new clothes but the despire for them has waned
-there is far more supoprt available than ever for me, and all kinds of sweetness in my marraige
-Putting the Puppies in a box has made puppy time less “sprawly” and more managable. this includes both Put it in a Room and Visiting the River.
What’s been working: ALL the Havi tools, expeically Conducting and Compassing, naps, investigating how long thinsg REALLY take, more naps, pranayama and humming.
SO let’s continue with the Congruencing in all ways, and more Exiting and Best Practices.
VPA 1: I want my green hemlock yoga pants and green cotton shell!
WIW: I have misplaced these loved clothign items. I wnat them back.
WTCW: I’m saying it out loud, I’ll hum on it. I could maybe find them during the Switchout of winter for spring clothes.
ICT: Not obsessing, and “ship-shaping” m,y closet this spring, it really has to be done. Make that ship-shaping my wardrobe.
I have Eric Donut Levels of Delight for Stompopolis!
But where can I get these creme brulee donuts?
VPA
I want to graduate.
I want my thesis committee to read my thesis and tell me they will pass me and let me graduate and all of that. This May! Not graduate at some ambiguous future date. This May.
I want to write a thesis that will satisfy my committee.
I want to write a thesis I am proud of.
I want to strengthen and rework that particular story.
I want to come up with new/better endings for a few of the stories.
I want my committee to respect my aesthetic values, and allow that successful theses can be full of fantasy and magic and werewolves.
I want to not go bat-shit crazy over the next eleven days.
Very quickly, my thesis has changed from creativity and play and passion to DOOM DOOM DOOM. How can I write a thesis that I love and am proud of but that also satisfies that member on my committee who “doesn’t do” fantasy? Can I do both things?
The qualities inside of the want:
Creativity. Passion. Respect. Peace. Confidence. Sovereignty.
I’ll play with:
Trust.
Trusting:
that everything is working out for my highest good
in the process of life
in my own abilities, my talents and skills in writing
that my professors respect my abilities and artistic vision
the creative process
the stories, the characters, my tiny sweet things
Remembering to Enter. Affirmations, ritual, gwishes. Intention. Using the tools I’ve collected over the years. Making sure to bring love and delight into everything.