Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I invariably discover useful information about my relationship with the thing I think I want, and with the experience of Wanting itself. Join in if you like….
What do I want?
The situation. And background.
I have a bunch of copy to write. God what a boring sentence.
I mean, I have a HAT to decorate!
Anyway, there are words to be written, about a thing, in order to announce that thing.
I want to write these words, I feel confident in my ability to write these words, I am a little anxious about time and timing, because (as we know from last week), I’m dealing with some pretty big [rhymes with headlines] on other projects.
So.
What I want.
I want this to be fun, playful and easy. I want a clean, clear window of time for it. I want lighthearted companionship.
I want it to feel like being at Rally (Rally!)
The qualities inside of the wants:
I’m keeping the eight qualities from the past couple weeks, in the same order.
Trust. Release. Steadiness. Ground. Love. Receive. Miracles. Willingness.
And the superpower or sankalpa of everything falls into place.
What might help?
Ask Richard to make the page pretty so I can just drop the words in.
Do this in the park.
Write it like a secret love letter.
What else might help?
Remembering that this is part of my process of Emptying and Replenishing, not something that is taking me away from it.
Remembering that Incoming Me is wise, so the more time I spend checking in with her on everything, the more smoothly all of this will be.
Do *other* things related to Emptying. Tell people about the secret sail of Toy Shop Emptying.
I’m playing with…
Letting words surprise me. Letting this be more fun than I think it will.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- San Diego is full of treasure.
- It’s a genius grant granted, genius.
- Skipping all the stones.
- Focus.
- Nothing that can’t be solved by a bath.
- I know what I need and I know what I want, and this is okay. .
- Solved!
Repeat-wishes
- Resting into miracles.
- Choosing quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Being at the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- Well-rested: the first and best well.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Play. Confidence. Focus. Alignment. Love. Release. Glow. Energy.
And the superpower of All Timing Is Right Timing.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: Seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
Joyfully.
I’m playing with…
Being willing to be surprised.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week..
Last week’s ask had to do with changing the soundtrack in my head from You’re So Trucked (okay, rhymes with trucked) to something else. I really liked the TRUCK acronym (trust receive undo create keys), and I also liked knowing that I had a response.
Silent retreat on everything else for now. 🙂
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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Midsummer Day is such a celebration of desire, and some wants are getting clearer.
-the White Flower project. this is a gentle, gradual and fully integrated shift towards clean/clear/de-tox. these habits need to land gracefully, without force. These are fractal flowers, occuring in many ways and interlocking.
WIW: Integrate White Flower pratcies daily, the more the better.
WTCW: It just could. I have all kinds of clews about what helps: early bed, sobriety, off line, movement. Commit to explore this more and to consciously making the more aligned choices when they come.
ICT: Curiosity, conducting and compssing. This may need to Embarked Upon. hmmm
Oh Dear God!
I have to report on last week!
Last week’s visions was ALL about wanting to find answers and find out more about answers. And I got, like, a mothereffing TRUCKLOAD OF crazy crazy crazy answers at the deepest craziest level whose magnitude I am still reeling from. I mean DEAR GOD. And it’s hilarious that I am just now realizing that I got a truckload of crazy answers from a completely unexpected source TWO days after having VPA’ed on them essentially. This shit works, I keep forgetting!
So I spent most of the week being high on the sweet answer-i-ness of the answers. And then of course hahahahaha I got hit with a new truckload of NEW STRESSFUL QUESTIONS. Oh geez, hard hard hard hard hard hard.
But I have learned things about questions and answers! Like: answers will arrive. They always arrive, usually way faster than I think they will. Reinforcing the learning of: answers are always sweet. I am also learning that it is hard for me to trust this. Legitimacy, legitimacy, legitimacy.
I am documenting my big questions that I have now, which I would love answers for.
1. Realizing that there’s a meta-pattern of me seeing myself as a victim of external judgment, which I later then realize is self-judgment (which doesn’t make it EASIER for me to dissolve or anything.) Judgment judgment judgment which leads to the undermining of all the things that make me want to go on, so PAIN. I want answers on how to [verb] this pattern.
2. After a lifetime of having been an expert at not liking myself – oh, fuck it, let’s not euphemize it. After a lifetime of really hating on myself pretty viciously, I suppose two or so years of Working On Myself and acquiring genius tools and everything isn’t quite enough to perfectly undo all the painful patterns related to, you know, not even self-love or anything embarrassing like that but being able to meet myself where I am and all of that. This is related to above. I have an extremely complicated relationship with myself and I want answers on how this can be easier.
3. Embarrassment. Also related to both things above. Answers on this, please.
4. Just.. like… being human. Answers on being human, please. Answers on being me. Actually, this is just it.
Hmmmmm.
Okay, so really, what I want is not ANSWERS per se but the qualities that answers hold. Which is… truthiness. trust. love. forgiveness. steadiness. expansiveness. oh-THAT’s-why-ness. relief.
Because that’s how I feel when I receive the answers. Maybe the feeling itself is what I’m after, not answers! Or… maybe I feel the feelings first, and then the answers arrive?
Or I play with different ways of getting answers. Opening myself up, emptying myself out, taking myself in, putting all the sad scared selves in safe rooms.
Oh, “dear god I can’t do this please hide me forever and ever” can go inside a small but actually-not-too-small closet which is actually really beautiful and comfortingly dark and smells like sandalwood and vanilla.
“I can’t figure this out now so I’ll NEVER figure it out, clearly, gah hopeless just give up now and never try again” honestly needs to be given some smelling salts. I have no idea what smelling salts are but there’s something retro-glamour-ish about them. Is that just me? So, yeah, smelling salts and an exquisite turquoise fainting couch.
“you’ve let down EVERYONE AGAIN when will you grow up and start acting your age” can go in the sauna where it smells like pine cones.
I have no idea where this is going. But.. uh.. here it is, for me, this week.
Report on last week’s VPAs:
Filling the Wells: progress!
Iguana-free finances: progress (thanks to MrB)
Business drag for the Assistant of Extreme Awesomeness: found in my own closet, of all places!
Step One for Project HEFT: Done! Agent G is due tomorrow; he can take care of the rest.
I learned how to do Access 2. I still need to do both Access 1 and Access 2.
I am asking for more progress on the asks that there has been progress on.
I want to re-ask these:
Project Terror, still to be done.
Also Outputting the Input, Porch Time, Treehouse Time, and Getting Grounded in the SG.
Also this week,
I want to REVEL! MrB’s situation is so much less dire, and I am learning things from him that will make the next time he goes down less difficult for me, and in the meantime, I’m filling the wells and all of this deserves to be celebrated.
Oooh, I love that there is a HAT coming! GOODY.
Hooray for HATs!
Want:
“Declutter call-ins” this week with two other challenged people will be super productive!
Qualities:
Play, Focus, Cooooolness (in this heat), Artfulness, Creativity, Toe-Tapping, Color, Joy.
How:
-Plan my work in advance
-Time all activities (for later monster reporting)
-Kindness to all
Try:
-Include location/filing of notes from other declutter work … have them handy
-Costumery
-Finish last week’s project #1 (Elf work for Santa)
-Try project-listing for another room (Wow, did that ever work last week!)(Find are the notes from last week)
….. Last Week’s Achievement of the Week:
* I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to, and it was OK.
…..What I Want For This Week:
* To go house-hunting with a sense of ease and (dammit!) entitlement. Wear those Grown-Up Pants with ease, like a Boss-Level First Home Buyer!
* To obtain for my body what it wants and needs without doubts and hesitation. Even if this means making phone calls, dammit.
…..Ways I Could Make It Happen:
* Continue the things from last week that made me feel Grown-Up. Don’t forget to let off steam if/when being a Grown-Up starts to get too stressful. Breathe.
* Use the Unseen Ninja Skills and the Assertiveness Lady tips to make phone calls with incisive purpose and success. Breathe.
Other Things That Might Help:
* Singing ‘the Real Estate Gnomes’ to the tune of ‘the Underpants Gnomes’ song??
…..Superpower I’ll Use:
* The Ring of Confidence and the Much-Improved Handshake.
Happy VPAs to everyone!
What do I want? Less gunk. Less itching. Less un-fun distraction.
Qualities inside of the want: Calm. Poise. Comfort.
What might help: more water. more time. more applications of salve.
What else might help: reworking a section of the mental monologue with rose-colored crayons.
I’m playing with: bringing the stickers back out.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Gwish:
I am leaving for a lovely seaside vacation on Wednesday. I want Toozday to allow me to be prepared for my trip so I can leave worry-free.
Qualities: Satisfaction. Readyiness. Steadiness. Defrazzled. Feeling taken care of. Presence. Making room for what is coming.
What might help: Use my octopus friend to list the lists. Not just the ones for this trip either, maybe adding [x] to the list…
Bring my earbuds on my errands run tomorrow!
Invoke the fairy godmother
What else might help: Somehow sneaking in an Artist’s Date.
I’m playing with: Visiting and catching up with R will be amazing! And it will help me prepare for my trip, in ways I didn’t anticipate. Fractal flowers.
Hi, Wednesday.
Revue of this month’s Visions, which were intertwined: I did my best. And it was hard. I’m trying to give myself credit for what went well, and forgive the screw-ups. On a related note, I seem to have a harem of monsters, and they’re all trying to be Sheherezade, and I don’t *want* to hear their stories right now.
Things weren’t as bad as I’m making it sound. I’m just really drained. Time to figure out all the ways I can claim more recovery time for myself. Meanwhile, I need a safe room — a seaside cottage, with a clear path to the ocean.