2017
in yoga, a few days before the new year, Em said to us,
“if you had a terrible unpleasant painful year,
please know that you are not alone,
we are going to make it through, together
we are going to coast our way there”
a toast to company, and the superpower of coasting
a door into the new year
this year I am asking new questions,
less about what I want, what I think I want, etc,
and more along the lines of:
how do I want to care for myself,
how can I treasure myself
a toast to wild self-treasuring
even/especially in troubled times
treasures
a toast to all the treasure from 2017 received through painful experiences
like the treasure of way the hell more self-respect
found through learning what it is like
to lose it completely,
(ha yes, I meant the self-respect,
but sure, I also lost it completely in all senses of that phrase)
no more will I make room in my life for
people who will not make room for me,
— did it hurt to learn this? yes! —
but it is still treasure,
a toast to the good that comes from the hard,
here’s to the new good coming from good
we made it to the threshold, friends
good lord it was a toxic shitstorm of a year
not just politically but also personally,
for me it helps to remember that we all felt this
a toast to remembering that the pain/fear/anxiety/
is legitimate and understandable, and connected to bigger stuff going on than
just exceptionally bad luck or terrible life decisions
a toast to setting it all on fire,
and to breathing in light
small sweet surprises
I got piercings in my ears from someone who told me that
her only life goal is BE MORE FORMIDABLE
(she was nailing it by the way, I want this too)
and surprised myself by falling in love with motorcycles,
returned to yoga after a long time away,
undid an addiction,
discovered that hitting a punching bag feels amazing,
turned things upside down,
changed states (geographically and in all ways)
started over
a toast to BE MORE FORMIDABLE
a toast to changing states
and the equilibrium within the disruption
fountains
I drove all day from a tiny town in Kentucky to Chicago
sure this was a terrible mistake but this terrible mistake led to a
3am improvised dance so transcendent and so magical that
my new dance friend and I abandoned the floor
to spend the next two hours
moving to breath and music by the water fountain,
in awe of the dance-life force itself
a toast to discovery, good surprises, and Nothing Is Wrong
a toast
thank you for the good, the brave,
the moments from this past year that glow in my memory,
the moments I remembered to breathe into my heart,
may the good light the way to more good and help me remember
that not everything in this challenging year was awful,
to approach this new year with crown restored
a toast to raise and rays
and something better
yes, crown restored
Incoming Me keeps showing up to whisper
(sometimes it’s more like shouting),
and she always says the same thing:
the time has come to reinstate and reawaken your
UNWAVERING SENSE OF SELF WORTH!
god I love her
a toast to knowing that she is right
berlin
once upon a time I was a smoker who lived in tel aviv
and was planning a move to berlin,
and I knew that berlin-me did not smoke,
but I didn’t know how to make the passage,
wanting to trust this deep certainty inside of me,
but also wary
I can’t remember how close to the move it happened,
if it was days or weeks,
but I boarded the plane, cravings alive,
and on the other side, I was free,
haven’t desired one since,
though sometimes I still smoke in my dreams
I need this new year to work like that flight to berlin,
the toxic inhalations of loving-and-missing someone
who loves me back but will never put that love first,
or even move it towards the top of their list,
the aching and the fury
all that is over on the other side of the door
a toast to the other side
new
In 2018 the addictive pull of desiring sweetness and
feeling hurt/angry at its mysterious disappearance,
the need for the sweetness and for the anger
all this does not exist, because here on this side of the door
I breathe better air
a toast to right timing and to process and to
what you do not feed will not grow
up in the air
so much I’d hoped would be resolved
is still up in the air
and so I am taking a new approach,
no more asking WHAT IS THE ANSWER,
no more PLEASE COME IN, SOLUTION,
I am deciding there is no bad answer,
I go with what feels most indicated based on gut yes
and the best intel I have in the moment,
and hey, if it is all in the air,
then I will rise and play in the air,
an aerialist who draws power from all directions
do-overs
my new years eve was mostly terrible but that’s okay because
we get do-overs
that’s how it works, right?
pretty sure there’s a thirty day grace period
let’s test this theory, friends, come join me!
every time someone asks me how new years eve went,
I have been honest and said MEDIOCRE
and then they laugh and say that theirs was too,
so apparently I am not the only one in need
of giving it another go
a toast to hey we tried a thing and it wasn’t yes, let’s try again, cut, take 2!
what do I love towards
I was thinking about the plane-to-berlin phenomenon,
and typed the question what do I move towards…
except what I actually wrote was what do I love towards,
which might be the most beautiful and poignant typo I’ve ever made
what do I want/choose to love towards?!
pleasure/freedom/adventure/play
on my terms
feeing peaceful and powerful,
at ease in my life,
fullness in my thank-you heart,
thank you for this life, this aliveness-of-life,
this glow-state of breath
a toast to turning inward and glowing outward
love
love to all you friends here,
everyone who had it rough this year,
those in the “it’s only going to get worse” camp and also the
“it really fucking has to get better” camp,
despair + hope + all of the big real feelings are intense,
and we get endless cascading sparklepoints for being present with what is
I love you
thank you for your companionship in 2017
(which was a nonsense year), and
let us wish loving wishes for this new year,
may we ease our way in and take
exquisite care of ourselves
as we can when we can to the best of our ability
a toast to us
xox
p.s. you are welcome to seed new year wishes in the comments or share anything sparked for you!
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Love this, all of it! Thank you for reminding me about do-overs. I need one.
*breathing in light*
*be more formidable*
*what you do not feed will not grow*
*an aerialist who draws power from all directions*
(hand on heart, humming)
Thank you, Havi, for the revelations of this year, shared;
For the words that spark insights;
For all the beautiful doors, and what happens when one walks (or flies) through.
<3<3<3
* <3 *
I think I'm just going to sleep out under the sparklepoints tonight, fall asleep thanking Last Year's Me for being so brave and steadfast, and wake up ready to have a warming morning cup of something good with Incoming Me.
This really resonated with me:
“I am deciding there is no bad answer,
I go with what feels most indicated based on gut yes”
And I have a guiding phrase or 2018: “Trust in Connection”
Trust in no bad answer, just in the being of the current space, and in connecting with others like drawing “power from all directions.”
May this year be full of light for us all.
Thank you for your words. They inspire me.
This is so lovely. Particularly the decision that there are no bad answers. What a clear way to live “love more and trust more.”
Naturally, this is what I want for my year–even more loving and trusting, and moving in the direction of joy. I am realizing just how much I accommodated and put up with in 2017, and that I have other options now. I am practicing asking for what I want in all areas of my life, and remembering what I have already.
Today a plate that had been missing since last June was returned to me.
I am hoping for more good fortune, for myself and all y’all.
A toast to you and this space and to being illustrious travelers together, my love!
And I will toast again and again this year to BE MORE FORMIDABLE. I think this is my life goal, too.
A toast to taking up space unapologetically in every way.
In therapy we talked about how I don’t know how to access anger because my mind somehow along the way has equated it to violence and shies away from it. So I’m going to toast to accessing a powerful, angrier me even though that toast scares me (because isn’t anger always and unequivocally unhealthy? no, love, sometimes it is a call to action).
My New Year’s Eve was a kind of magic and I hope I can lend some of that to you in your do-over. I had my families–origin and chosen–with me and we wrote down a thing we want to leave behind and a thing we want to take with us, and cast the former into the flames. And I cast the contents of my 2017 Good Things Jar into the flames as well, not because I want to leave those good things behind but because I want to make space for more good things.
A toast for making space, too.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
A toast to Formidable Coasting! (Or Foasting? Perhaps we can foast as a Tribe…)
At the last minute, I changed my word of the year to Discernment. Not because my previous word (phrase) didn’t fit–god it fit–but because my previous word relied on outside forces, and I need the skills to influence my world. So I chose Discernment, so I can discern what is Right for me, what is Not, when to Stop/say No, when to recognise Garbage/Not Right, when to breathe and re-orient to My Elf [myself].
And even more oddly, for me, was also changing January’s word–probably for similar reasons, but the change was odd (to me) yet very Right. I changed it from Connection [I thrive on connection] to Kindness. And when it first came up, I felt indignant–I AM Kind! Why do I have to be Even Kinder?! And a tiny voice whispered, “To YOU…” and I was like, Ohh. And when I shared this with a Kind Woman who Gave me Time, she giggled and said, “AND learning how to receive Kindness!” Ohhhh!
So a Foast for Kind Discernment! Heartfelt tenderness to all that dwell here…
*what you do not feed will not grow*. I need a GARDEN of LOVE and LIGHT and STRENGTH and STANDING MY GROUND and being in rich topsoil and surrounded by sparkleflowers in this garden of not allowing others to trample my flowers of LOVE with their TOXIC BS. I want to reach out to LOVE but not to those who don’t GIVE BACK. I SORROW for the past year and all the LOVE that was not received but the bouquets of flowers that I created and GAVE. I will not cast pearls before swine, and will not sparkle for those who can’t see LIGHT. My GARDEN has a BIG FUCKING FENCE around it and my FENCE will stand and PROTECT me and my flowers of LOVE and give me STRENGTH to pull WEEDS and water my SPARKLE LIGHT LOVE FLOWERS of SELF TREASURING and COURAGE and GROWTH till my garden is full of tall lovely flowers for 2018 that no one can come in and trample, or spit on, or pull down, or turn into darkness. My word for 2018 is GARDEN and the incoming me says , “GROW YOUR GARDEN my dear heart.” January’s word is GENTLE STRENGTH. I am weak in body but strong in SPIRIT and HEART. I have GENTLE STRENGTH for the month ahead and will trust my seeds sown in love under the dark soil.
I just found this site – and it’s exactly what I’ve been searching for. Your writing; your connection to self; your ability to speak your truth and be a teacher at the same time – you are inspiring. I want to write – I have a lot to say – and a lot to learn – and a lot to explore – but I never do it anymore.
Your Bolivia/childfree blog post was discussed in a Carolyn Hax chat (The Washington Post) and I’ve ready 50 times. What a brilliant way to discuss such a polarizing issue.
Thank you for your words and your light.
Oh that’s beautiful, thank you. Luckily, writing never goes away, it just sometimes does the [seeds under the snow thing] for however long, you sound like a writer to me. <3
There are too many stunningly beautiful words to choose just one for a whole year, but I do love FORMIDABLE. When I picture myself in 20 years’ time or more, this is one I’d love to embrace. Flame-haired, paintbrush in hand, strong as an ox and formidable!
May 2018 bring you all you wish for and more!
Mmmm what a beautiful image! MAY IT BE SO. I feel the power in this and want it for you. <3