Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, we get to learn useful things about our relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What is Operation Delete 8?
The goal is: create clarity and spaciousness by deleting eight things.
- 8 things in the downloads folder that I don’t want (like some menu from a restaurant because for some reason they had to have a pdf instead of a link).
- 8 draft that are never going to be sent or published or whatever.
- 8 documents in a folder.
Or any combination of these that adds up to 8.
This is because I am not actually going to carve out a day to delete the seventeen million monsternumber things or possibly seventeen billion monsternumber things that need to be deleted.
Even though I imagine that one day I will just magically be in the mood to do this. And I might. But let’s stop waiting for that day to show up.
Let’s create some spaciousness, and maybe it will show up.
Or maybe it won’t, but either way stuff is being deleted.
Sometimes when I’m working, I’m a bit like that stereotypical writer at the typewriter who types a line, wads up the paper and tosses it on the floor. Until the floor is littered with crumpled up first tries and second tries.
And then I never throw them away. And then the room is knee deep in paper. Not just in paper but reminders of That Thing You Tried Didn’t Work. You can’t see them because they’re all files on my computer, but I can feel them.
And they start to feel like iguanas. Like a mess of iguanas, which is actually a giant scary pile of iguanas and doom.
And then I avoid the writing room, or I feel uncomfortable while I’m there.
But I’m not actually going to spend a day putting all the papers in the recycling bin, because I have things to do.
So I am going to throw eight of them in the recycling bin, each time I pass the room. Or each time I remember.
This is Operation Delete 8.
What else do I know about this?
This mission is also a stand-in for other things that I’m working on. That is: working on them by not working on them. Like Operation Secret Maybe Mitten Visit.
And! This practice feels very light and freeing to me. It reminds me of the practice of Just One Thing or the related Ten Things Gone.
I know that probably I will delete more than eight. I actually just deleted sixteen blog post drafts from 2009. I’m probably not going to write those, they can stop being reminders of Things Not Done.
What are the qualities of Operation Delete 8?
The qualities have to do with freedom and spaciousness. And ease.
And now I just giggled, because look at the qualities I planted in last week’s compass of qualities, for my gym bag search:
Ease. Spaciousness. Freedom. Options. Play. Pleasure. Delight. Glowing.
Yes. Those are also the qualities I want for Operation Delete 8.
Del8. Delight-Del-eight.
Anyway. What I want is what I want, apparently, regardless of whether I’m focusing on a gym bag or on my writing.
How am I going to play with this?
It feels very important that this remain lighthearted and playful.
As soon as it becomes a “Do X Every Day”, I am going to lose interest, because that is not my kind of thing.
I would like it to feel a little like a game and a little like a ritual. A breath of spaciousness. Whoosh! Clearing out!
Maybe as a break, or as part of a break, or the thing I do whenever I get stuck. God, if I do it every time I get stuck, I will have deleted an actual seventeen billion monsternumber of things because I get stuck all the time. Excellent. Now I can be secretly excited about being stuck, because: deleting.
Also I would like to remember that sometimes the deleting itself will be loaded with Stuff. Identity stuff, desire stuff, I-wish-things-hadn’t-been-like-this stuff. Sometimes it will feel heavy instead of light. This is part of clearing things out.
So I would like to remember to drink lots of water to flush things out, and to do lots of walking/dancing/bouncing to disperse whatever gets stirred up. That’s just me. Someone else might need to do different things of course.
Anything else I know about this?
I can let this be easy.
And if it doesn’t feel playful, I need to make it more playful.
Also I can be a spy and make up secret agent code, and pretend that I am REDACTING things or deleting documents to save the mission!
What might help with this?
Oooh, maybe I have a costume for this.
I can interview the me who loves deleting things. Interview slightly future me aka incoming me aka slightly wiser me, and finding out what good things happen as a result of me deleting all the things.
Flowers. Flowers always help. And dancing.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Progress on the ops!
- Miracles everywhere.
- Regular dancing gigs at the ballroom, which is also the Spiegelsaal.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
- Past me is a GENIUS.
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
- There is money for this.
- I can see why this moment is good.
- Trust and steadiness.
- Hawaii.
- Happy BeeNBeeNBee.
This week’s ops?
Aside from Delete 8, it might be Operation G Presto and it might be about the Book of Salves. It is definitely still about borders/boundaries, and about dancing.
I’m playing with…
Dance. Bath. Tea. Compass. Asking questions. Skipping stones. Taking care of myself.
Requests and announcements!
This year’s 26 Rallies are mostly full, but there are eight Rallies that have openings. Take a look at the new page…
I would also like support for our magical Red Rose Ballroom — likes on Facebook is great, as is spreading the word to anyone you know who might want to have an event, program, party, anything at all in Portland…
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka I want to write…
My quest for a gym bag was indeed actually about IDENTITY, as predicted.
I found a number of possible bags, but nothing that had all the qualities I wanted. So I think what I need to do is either get a genius pack backpack and cover up the unappealing-to-me logo with a patch, or get a sexy bag that feels like Bond Girl, and just carry my dancing shoes in a separate bag that I carry on my other shoulder to balance things out as I go from bus stop to bus stop.
It was a very interesting and useful quest, and I am enjoying all the things I am learning.
Also I said I would work on the Life of a Chocolatier, and I finished it! The 122-page ebook was finished, formatted and twice-edited. It went out yesterday to the people in my Year of Emptying and Replenishing program, and I am really happy with it. Yay.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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Oh I do indeed like Delete 8! I remember when we were little and couldn’t find something my mother would say “well just starting picking things up and putting them away and you’ll come across it.” Maybe in the deleting I will come across something worth saving.
Progress on last week:
Well, blergh. I was not my best self on the blind date because I didn’t go on it. It was getting moved to later in the night and then I just quit emailing about it. And then I went on a date with someone else and I knew 5 minutes into it that while a perfectly lovely person, he was not *my* perfectly lovely person and then had to walk around the museum with him for another 1.5 hours. I love museums, and snuck back in to see the Rembrandt etchings after we parted ways. Because I wanted to peer up close at them without being bothered by the person asking “which is your favorite one?” Because if he was the right person, it wouldn’t have bothered me.
What I Want:
To be ok with being the way I am.
To maybe see if that person whose questions I didn’t mind wants to hang out again.
To remember the tea cupboard.
To keep the filters in good shape so the wrong things stay out and the right ones come in.
Ahh, I love Delete 8, Del8 and of course Del-Ight which could be a way to pronounce 8 if you held a marble against the roof of your mouth as you spoke. Or something like that.
In the past I’ve engaged in versions of delete-all-the-things-that-went-nowhere and been both saddened and tumbled by tidal waves of loss-and-failure. Delete 8 seems more manageable and potentially del-ight-ful, even if I’m sure to encounter tidal pools of loss-and-failure. For which we can try 8 Breaths.
This week my wish is to continue finding my path in the hinterlands of unfinished maps and to do The Thing, without too much fear and shame and horror. Sunshine would be nice too, after three days of almost non-stop rain.
Thanks Havi, for the Life of a Chocolatier. I am seeing all sort of clues and appreciating proxies as never before.
Happy week to all!
A magical thing happened this morning. I just spent the entire morning sulking on the theme of I Am Homeless and I Am Going To Spend the Holidays ALLLLL Alone, Wahhh, Nobody Loves Me. (Well, clearly I am not homeless but family/built-in holiday destinations are far, geographically and energetically.) I gwished in my G-journal: “I suppose someone could just invite me to do something cute in the city”. And voila, a friend of mine emailed and asked if I’m available around Christmas time to go theatre-ing. Well, hello there Universe, delivering things to me.
So I am going to make this a simple wishing list. Uncomplicated Wishing Time!
1. Ongoing wish. I want to make more music not-by-myself. I don’t know how and with whom, but this needs to happen, please.
2. This feels like the hardest, most painful ask. So I am hiding behind a giant beautiful potted plant and writing a little note on a tiny orange slip and giving it to the Friendly Ghosts Who Manage My Gwishes. *****shhhh***** I want just a tiny bit more easy-breathing and simple grace and effortless enjoyment around interacting with the Mystery Moppet. That’s what I’m calling it. ****shhhhh*****
3. The most obvious superpowers, activate! aka Operation Hah That’s a No-Brainer. For ding the simplest things to feel simpler. Doing what I know to work, which are so obvious I forget about them. Yoga. Clean space. Reading. Writing. Catching more beauty from the reliable sources. I feel so blocked up right now I don’t even know what else is there.
4. I have everything I need. Wait, I have more than what I need!
5. What I’m perceiving as the most tangly knot at work can resolve itself. And it feels like a fun low-stakes game. Ahhh low stakes! I want everything to be low stakes.
6. Hi Operation Solitudinal, thanks for the grueling drills from the 101 course. I would like to graduate now to 201 — I think I’m ready — where I discover new challenges but with more presence, EASE, happy discoveries and I Trust Myself.
7. Perfect Simple Solution for how my Nest can beautify and simplify itself. Gwished-for qualities? Coziness. nest-iness. Inviting-ness. Welcome-ness. Belonging. Play. Delight. Beauty. Cuteness.
8. I downloaded a prompt this morning and it had to do with falling in love with Agent S. There were clues coming from how all the other people had fallen in love with her, and there are important nuggets in there, but I knew that wasn’t all of it. I want to learn more about all the different ways I can fall head over heels in love with Agent S and how and why this will make everything better.
9. A comforting return to My Body Is My Home.
10. I just want to learn more about Home in general – it keeps coming up in different themes – and I want it to be easy.
11. For sleep to continue to be deep and restful and sweet.
Lately I’ve been struggling with the concept of PATIENCE. I’ve been feeling a lot of IMpatience with myself, with the other people who live in my habitat, with the world, with cultural norms that seem hurtful and crazy to me, but still have people who believe support them, and with people from my parents’ generation, since I often feel disrespected, patronized or ignored by them, despite the fact that a) I have a right to exist and be heard and b) I often have more insight about [x thing] under discussion than they do. *inhale* *exhale*
Impatience = Frustration + Caged + Misunderstood + Rage + Hurt + Outsider Syndrome
Patience = Confidence + Trust + Spacious + Sovereignty + Centeredness +Relaxed
This is really a mission about control and fear and “not-good-enough” blobs. I don’t need anyone else to agree or validate my thinking for me to know that it’s right for ME. And as always, fractal flowers mean that my questions about patience are also questions about GENDER and DESIRE and other things floating in my big ocean of insecurity.
I want to follow this line of questioning with gentleness, with curiosity and, of course, with patience.
Other Things I Want:
+ Writing, writing and more writing. To let the wave continue rolling forward; progress building on progress.
+ To find time to PLAY to balance out all the work, or maybe find a way to combine the two.
+ For the painful, protracted shedding process that is going on to continue moving, and to understand this experience as something that is on the path towards something else.
+[silent retreat on a super-hard epiphany that doesn’t have words yet]
Updates on previous asks: the ship is sailing straight for the moment; I wrote and wrote last week with abandon, and I am 9/10s over this cold (huzzah!).
Warm wishes for everyone’s week!
Uncomplicated wishes sound great Simone! Me too.
Darling Universe and PTB, please may we have more of….
+ finding the rhythm of my home, flowing with it, asking the rhythm, documenting the rhythm, honouring the rhythm.
+ continued ease and contentment with Things Are Like This And That Is Just Fine. Cos that’s been good.
+ luscious fountains of love energy, decontaminated of projected Stuff.
+ Off You Go Then! If I get an idea, and have the means, BEGIN! Because, really, did you see what happened on Friday afternoon?? Oh my god I am the person I have always envied and doubted I could ever be. And it was simple and doable and no problem. Begin, darling, begin! Off you go then!!
+ superpowers of patience and letting people (children) be where they are and need what they need and not take it personally when they want something I can’t give them. It’s not a personal critical attack. Let me have the wisdom and sovereignty to respond with kindness.
<3 <3 <3
*fairy dust*
Update! Deleting is massively full of stuff!
But/and: I removed all 200 items in my downloads folder. Some went into new folders: The Museum of Thing I Used To Teach, The Museum of Retreats I Used To Lead, so they still exist but I don’t have to visit the museum unless I want to. That helped a lot. <3
Oh, I like this idea of museums!
<3
Museums! Brilliant!
Just a quick update on last week: My two scary tasks got done, so yay for that!
Del8!
And Dil8 — dilate – becoming wider, larger, more open, to expand.
My visions for this week: More and Less
More writing, more art for Art Every Day, more reading and researching.
More restful sleep.
More eating well.
More fun and play.
Less worry.
Less stress.
Less pointless activity.
Less time in the River.
More contentment.
More openness.
Having discovered your blog about a week ago, it made me feel more unstuck than I have in a few years.
Your Dammit List helped me to create a more comfortable relationship with what I am willing to do to promote myself and what I will not compromise (which is to say that I do not need to compromise anything!!). 🙂
Having decided to just blog and twitter for a few months and to see what happens is lovely (I am enjoying the therapy through writing aspect of it and am hoping to attract the Right for me people and learn to create good free content.
Now that the pressure is more off I have been able to write (and edit!) every day this week, which is so awesome and new.
Thank you Havi, and be well.