Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
So I’ve been sick for a week, and it’s been a real call to action. Or a real call to inaction, actually. And the inaction (rest) is the action.
I need more ways to take care of myself.
So. Who is the me who takes exquisite care of herself?
And how subversive is it to take exquisite care of ourselves. It really is.
It doesn’t come easily to me. This mission requires presence, curiosity, commitment, attentiveness, love.
And: Agency.
What do I want?
Let’s assume there is this version of me, an incoming me, who knows how to do this.
She’s the agent.
What else do I know about her?
What other qualities does she have?
Can I wear her costume and her qualities as an aspiration until I become her and we are reunited?
What do I want?
Limbo City Moons.
That’s my secret agent code for Symbolic Motions. Anagrams make the best code.
Tiny steps that bring me closer to what I want.
This code is marvelously appropriate, because right now it feels like I’m in Limbo City, and I don’t like it.
Moon over Limbo City. Or maybe more like: mooning Limbo City.
What do I want?
I can imagine that the me who knows how to take care of herself holds all the qualities that I want.
All the things I’m working on can be contained in this one identity.
What do we know about her?
She loves to dance. She writes. She likes being at home. She makes marionberry smoothies. She naps, unapologetically, all the time. She takes baths. She makes things happen, but very, very quietly.
What do I want?
What if I go into Deep Cover as her!
Or, alternately, I could take all the things I resent because they keep me from doing her things, and make that the cover.
So: two options.
I am current me, in deep cover as Incoming Me.
Or: I am Incoming Me, in deep cover as current me.
Interesting.
What do I want?
So I’m a double agent!
But in a good way.
I am playing two roles as a way to bring two personas together.
And it can be fun.
What do I want?
To play.
To play in community.
To play with people who delight in play.
What do I want?
To do less.
And to have that make space for more. As in: write more, dance more, sleep more, think more, release more, glow more, hum more, find more clues.
What do I want?
To think Deep Cover is the most fun, energizing, joyful thing I have ever done. To delight in the mission.
Where/how do I want to start playing with this?
Finding out how Deep Cover solves all the challenges.
And finding a costume.
Anything else coming up?
Double agenting is not about duplicity. It is about plenty, about multiples and multitudes. About options.
Since I am all the agents, and I am also the Agency (and the quality of Agency), I am never against myself.
This is about using my powers for good, and trying on aspects of me that I haven’t explored yet. It is about reuniting myself with forgotten or lost parts of what I hold.
What are the qualities of my wish?
Spaciousness. Steadiness. Peacefulness. Trust. AGENCY. Delight. Play. Glowing.
What would help me move forward on this? How am I going to play?
If I were going to live for a week as her, what changes would I make?
And: Drawing a crown and a heart on my palm. Crown. Heart.
Clues?
Margins. Ten percent. I can empty out one thing so it can become another, like a playground that turns into a dance studio.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is getting easier, and oh look, miracles everywhere.
- Regular gigs at the (non-metaphorical) ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
- Past me is a GENIUS.
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
This week’s ops?
Naps and baths and flowers until I feel better. And then, once I feel better: naps and baths and flowers.
Because that is what Havi Who Chooses Sustenance does. She doesn’t just do these things to heal, or because they are doors to what she wants, she does them because they are pleasurable and part of vital aliveness.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka meeting this moment…
My wish had to do with pausing and creating safety, both of which are incredibly important. It gave me a lot of work to do, and it means my programs will be smaller this year, and that is okay. It is about eliminating to support illuminating.
I am trusting the process, both in this particular instance as well as the bigger process of life and aliveness. Making choices in support of what I want. It’s good. And it has brought me to this decision to go into Deep Cover, which is very exciting.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked. Thank you, everyone who said amazing things.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
It is my joy (very much joy) to whisper to you about Operation Sustenance (password: fredastaire). This contains everything I will be offering in 2014. Please spread the word so we can meet our Blodgett and distribute treasure!
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large. In any form you like, there’s no one right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Follow
Eight minutes for eight breaths for eight things wanted:
1. A breath for enough water
2. A breath to dissolve glitches
3. A breath for hoped-for results
4. A breath to sink into warm sheets
5. A breath to stroke still-green leaves
6. A breath to absorb the broth in the fridge
7. A breath for the asking for help/support/payment
8. A breath for all the things waiting for their turn
Wafting feel-better-soon wishes and glittery ribbons toward all y’all.
I want there to be hugs, and not to have to talk to anyone.
This is difficult, because the two people in the world who get this idea are many miles away from me.
So I want something to work the same way as that. Because I also want to keep loving everybody, but I do not want everybody to hug me.
I think the first step is to go to bed.
I heart hugs and no talking. Mmm.
Oh, glittery ribbons! *inhale, exhale* Hello, Monday. Some things into the pot:
Operation R.O.P.E; restful sleep and the systems to get me there; snack-sized art; investigating the other qualities underlying entry and preparation; letting go and then letting go some more.
Catching some of this afternoon’s sun in a bottle for anyone who needs it. 🙂
Mmmm, sun! *quietly basking*
Oh, Limbo City! Let’s moon Limbo City together… I am so ready to not be in Limbo City.
Here is what I want for this week. It is a big want:
I want to learn to be okay with being me. With the cravings for connections and community. With it being OKAY (and awesome) to figure out how to make my life about that. I’m not doing it wrong because I’m an extrovert and extrovert-y self care may look different than introvert-y self care. I want to learn about this. And hey, I have a weekend coming up in which I get to be in intentional community with smart, sparkly, sovereign, soulful and super-fantastic people… so Summer Sarah is going to find out what clues that all holds for me.
And my cover story is to find out what satellites have to do with community. And maybe how I am like a satellite.
Oh, okay. I’m going to sneak in a tiny wish for it to be Friday because I all-kinds-of can’t wait.
<3 <3 <3
Many hugs for “not being in Limbo City”!!
Moving out of Limbo City brings its own challenges – fastly and furiously. ~ A breath for the F & F challenges.
For the last 2 hours and 24 minutes, I haven’t heard anything or said anything. After I stopped meditating, I wanted to stay in that space of silence, so I kept my ear plugs in and have been going about my life without speaking and without sounds.
I am so surprised at how much I love it!
And since my interest in this came about so spontaneously, without any prior thoughts or effort, I know I’m in a sweet spot.
*What do I want?*
To be receptive to these kinds of spontaneous experiences…these clues.
And to see what there is for me in silence.
To celebrate life without noise.
To be closer to myself and to be with what’s real.
*How this could work:*
Well, I already emerged from the bedroom and wrote a note to my Love on a sticky pad stating my experiment and that I wasn’t going to be talking. He smiled and wrote back, OK. When he wrote asking if he could talk to me, I wrote back that I’d be wearing earplugs. He smiled and winked at me and we hugged. It’s already working!
*Why this matters to me*
Because I matter more than all the stimuli I’m used to engaging with — especially the sound of my ego coming out of my mouth. I’ve been in a habit of making other stimuli more important than I am. I’ve had enough of that flavor, thank you very much.
Because insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…and I’ve been insane. Being silent, and in silence, is different for me.
Because in less than 3 hours I’ve seen how silence is breaking my pattern of being mindless and unconscious.
Because it’s time for me to be silent, but not just on silent retreat at an ashram or retreat center, but silent amongst others. In the world.
Because it showed up tonight and I couldn’t help but open my arms to it. If Silence could be adorable, this Silence is.
*Superpowers I need for this wish?*
The power of “This Matters. I Matter.”
The power of “See? Everything is Okay.”
The power of “The World Looks Mighty Good to Me, Cuz Silent Life is All I See”
*And Then?*
And then come the thank yous:
– To Havi for having/Havi-ing this space for this kind of work to be done. <3
– To myself for showing up here recently because I like it and also a thank you to me for recommitting to my process. <3
– To my husband for respecting me and honoring my experiment and even playing with me by playing charades to tell me he was going for a walk. <3
– To present me who is happily enjoying this Silent Night. <3
Love this Havi! I haven’t hung out here in ages and despite my head getting a little bit scratched just trying to work out quite what you mean, I love it, it’s so refreshing & wow- your clarity is amazeballs. I’m inspired, this is exactly what I needed to read and contemplate, this very idea has been a bit on the backburner for me as I’m working hard right now on a project (aswell as the ongoing project of raising my 1 year old boy). Happy to be here, that is all!
As is true every single week, there’s something deep and precious here for me (as well as some coincidences, which I LOVE). This week, it is asking
What do I want? What do I want? What do I want?
MANY times. That is the way to ask this question. Thank you, Havi, for pointing that out.
xoxox
I am declaring Operation Relocation mission accomplished. There are a few loose ends. I would like for these to be resolved gently, smoothly and easily.
Ways this can work: Slowly and steadily, with great kindness.
Qualities: Peace. Ease.
I’m playing with: stepping stones and skipping stones.
Wishes, oh wishes. It occurs to me I could go undercover as the me who’s already finished the story, and see what it looks/feels like from the other side. Hmm.
For the rest of this week, I want ease (I always want ease) and to be free from distractions. There’s a thing I need to have completed by Sunday night – actually two things. Oh dear. Well, we can do this. I would like some solitude and quiet and focus. All together!
Shaking things up and seeing how that changes everything.
A few years ago I chose EASE as my theme word and it really made a big difference for me to have that as my guiding quality. <3