Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
Hmm. I have been sitting with this week’s wishes for a few days now (apologies to those who have been waiting since Sunday morning).
I’ve been learning about my wish, and then running away because of monsters.
Luckily these wishes come with the built-in superpower of All Timing Is Right Timing, so the running away from the wish is also part of the wish. It is even part of what will take me towards the wish, if I let it.
Something I have noticed over years of a weekly practice of wish-exploration:
When my wishes get sticky, there’s often a hidden layer of resentment about some aspect of the wish, or a situation in the past that my wish is reminding me of. And sometimes there’s also a layer of shame about the resentment. Hurt and sadness.
So my secret-secret wish is about undoing these layers. And I’ve decided to address the monster stalemate by giving them a platform so they can be heard.
I am co-writing the wishes with my monsters. Listening.
What do I want?
Monster representative: Ugh. What you want is dumb. You want to not have a car, as a ‘lifestyle choice’. You are SO SO stupid. This is the most meaningless wish. You don’t even HAVE a car. And you couldn’t afford one if you wanted one. And even if you wanted one and it magically appeared, HSP means you can’t drive. Flashing lights and high beams trigger you. Driving makes you so tense, the damage it does to your body isn’t worth the convenience of a direct route from Point A to Point B.
There, problem solved. You don’t need a wish. You don’t want to drive, you don’t have to. Stupidest thing ever.
Me: Solved?
Monster rep: Ohhhhhhh but you still want to GO PLACES and DO THINGS. Like the two big dance workshop weekends in the suburbs. Well, that is selfish and stupid. You can’t have it both ways. You have to COMMIT TO THE CITY!!!!
The penny drops.
Me: Oh, this is about when I was married. You warned me not to move to the suburbs because I need to be in the city. I knew you were right, and I did it anyway. I did it to try to make my husband happy, which of course was not actually possible and also Not My Job, and did not work.
You were right, and I was wrong. The way you tried to convince me of that maybe wasn’t the most effective, and at the same time your point was a fair one.
There is no but. There is no rebuttal.
Monster rep: GOOD. So Stop worrying about stupid things that you can’t have anyway because they will harm you!
Me: I appreciate how much you want to keep me safe.
Monster rep: “But blah blah blah?”
Me: No but. I appreciate how much you want to keep me safe. Period.
Monster rep: So you’ll drop this wish?
Me: I want the same thing you want: for me to be safe from harm, rejection, disappointment. And I also want us to remember that Now Is Not Then. Now is now. That was an entirely different situation. We have had thirteen years to grow and change since then. I can tell you really want to keep me from getting hurt, and that you think if I make this wish I will get hurt. That’s why you’re trying to head this off at the pass.
Remember?
Monster rep: Yes, that is what I want, and you will be hurt.
You want a community, and the dance world is not where you’re going to get it. There is not going to be some hippie ride share. People look after themselves, they are not going to offer to pick you up. No one has responded to your rideshare request and no one will. You have to be independent and strong and take care of yourself. Tough times means you find out who your friends really are, remember?
It can be scary to feel need, yes.
Me: We still have so much sadness about Operation Resilience, don’t we. I guess that makes sense.
It was lonely and scary not having a home. It was scary having NEED. It was awful asking for help, and even worse not receiving it. It was awful watching the bridges burn.
And, while some aspects of this current situation might remind us of then, this is in fact its own situation: new and different. Confusing the two is not in service of our wish of Safety, even though I know you are trying to prevent me from re-experiencing pain from Then.
Don’t do it.
Monster rep: Why don’t you understand. You can’t count on people! You can’t depend on them! And you shouldn’t try to. You shouldn’t set yourself up for pain by asking for this. When you find out that people won’t help, it will hurt too much.
Like when Dani gave you a place to say but then he stole from you. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you have to trust people who are not your closest friends.
Supporting the mission.
Me: I see how much you want to keep me safe, and I want you to know that I am committed to supporting your mission of Keeping Havi Safe. I also want that.
I am not challenging your mission.
I do have some questions about the forms this could take, and I will keep pointing out when we are talking about Then instead of the workshops. However, I support the goal of the mission. I am on board with Keep Havi Safe.
Monster rep: I don’t want you to get in a situation where you feel sad and bitter. I would rather you didn’t go to the workshops than and possibly get stranded, because then you will stop dancing. And you can’t stop dancing, it is part of your mission. Better to miss out. Just skip it.
What if those aren’t the only options?
Me: There have to be other people who want these qualities of [Sharing] and [Companionship].
Maybe there are perfect simple solutions that we aren’t aware of yet.
I mean, that’s the point of these wishes: to seed what we want, and learn more about what that is. What I want is a supportive network of people I can play with, so that I have options and possibilities.
And really what I want is the part about options and possibilities. So that’s useful to know, right?
Alignment.
Monster rep: I want these things for you too. I’m just so afraid you won’t get them.
Me: If I don’t get them in this particular way, I will trust that Nothing Is Wrong. It might just be a case of Not My Bus.
I can still get the qualities I want, even if not in the form I am envisioning.
And I can still invite these qualities into my life, just like we are inviting the quality of Safety into this experience that we are solving for right now.
Monster rep: I guess things are really different than they were then. I think I feel guilty because I wasn’t able to protect you from Operation Resilience.
Me: Oh, sweetie. It is fine. I learned what I needed to learn. We were both doing the best we could with the tools and intel we had at the time. We didn’t even know how to talk to each other then. And the truth is, whether I had stayed in the city or not, I don’t think that would have changed the outcome.
Not stupid, just hopeful.
Monster rep: I’m tired. All this worrying about you has tired me out, and I didn’t even need to be doing it, so I guess I’m the stupid one.
Me: We’re not stupid, just hopeful.
Monster rep: I’m going to take a nap now. You can ask for rides, and maybe you’ll get them and maybe you won’t, and maybe you’ll get a hotel room there or maybe you’ll spend more time doing east coast swing which is easier to get to, or maybe the west coast swing events will start coming to your ballroom so you can walk to them. It will be okay.
Me: Yes, yes it will.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
MAY IT BE SO.
This week’s ops?
I rest my ankle, I ask questions, I am curious about the magic pill that I never use.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka canceled by weather…
My wish had to do with healing and taking care of myself, and letting things be. And letting go.
I got exactly what I needed, through a Rally-esque combination of epiphanies and peacefulness.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I’m going to need help meeting our budget this year (it’s a Blodgett!) so that I can keep doing this work.
Take a look at Operation Sustenance (password: fredastaire) to see everything offered for 2014. And please spread the word about this site and the work play we do with self-fluency. Let’s have more people playing. More play and more treasure that I can distribute!
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
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The thing about layers — so much to think on! Thank you.
Project/Gwishes for this week:
Rallying Along At Home
Project ShuffleStuff
MORE lapwing phalanger, pref with WWW,WWHW… but totally doing it anyway
Planting Seeds:
Stuff works the way it is supposed to
Paid to Learn
Noting the Notes
LTGs: Taking Action
Not PWT — just not
4ish years ago I posted a VPA for a job. I wanted something different and challenging. At the time I was unemployed after getting fired from a job I hated. A job that made me anxious, angry, and sad. My boss was a tiny monster, and even though I was good at the work, getting fired for ‘personality differences’ still hurt. Shortly after I posted my VPA, a job did come along. A job that was challenging, where I worked with lots of people that I respected, people who became friends. Fast forward 3+ years, friends have moved on, and I’m back in the same boat again. I have new co-workers who are selfish, insular and mean-spirited. It’s a toxic environment. Their bad attitudes have made my own monsters of inadequacy and affirmation-seeking are up in arms and they won’t leave me alone. I know that I’m good at my work, but sometimes it’s hard to believe surrounded by so much negativity, and deep-set patterns and behaviors.
But I can’t just quit. I, unlike Havi, decided to move to Bolivia two-plus years ago, and I have a beautiful, funny smart little boy. My husband is a freelancer, so we depend on my income for a reliable source of cash between his jobs. To make matters worse, even though I live only 15 miles away from my job, I spend more than an hour commuting between home, day care and my office each day.
My son is my top priority, but that doesn’t mean I’ll toil away in a job that’s eating my soul, stifling my goodwill, and choking my desire to be valued and to do good work. If anything I have more of a desire to find a better situation because I want to show him how work is a fulfilling part of life, just like learning is–I want us both to have the kind of lives where the weekend isn’t an escape from something unbearable, it’s a natural extension of who we are, what we do, and what we want. I also want to pursue other interests outside of my chosen field, but right now, I have neither the money, time, or space to do this.
Here’s how this could work:
I could find a job and child care closer to home. Even if it’s not a permanent solution, it would temporarily alleviate some of my current challenges, and could open up some time and breathing room for me.
I could reach out to my professional networks again and see if anyone knows anything about new jobs opening up.
I could begin to take small steps toward my other interests, joining online forums, or doing small research projects.
I could be patient with myself, show myself the kindness I would readily show another, and recognize that this searching and unearthing of patterns is a process, and this too shall pass moment.
Into the pot, season and simmer:
–a happy Rally at home with Incoming Me
–safe travels and savory adventures on Saturday
–peace and plenty
I just acquired an excellent new pot, via Operation Sustenance: Floop 2014! O, the things I can stew, braise, bring-to-boil/reduce-to-simmer, etc! What comfort, this sort of cooking! What sustenance! Looking forward to cooking thusly with everybody else who joins up…
yay!
Yay back! It’s such a relief to have made this commitment: to myself, my process, and to a community that sustains me from afar. The simple prospect of bringing it nearer — more daily, more interactive — has stirred me in all the best ways! Color me giddy…
Stirring AND Simmering. Those are some of the BEST S words. (S words are secret Swords…this is my new favorite joke). Anyway, I am happy about this. <3
Wish: Mission B.O.B. (Boston or bust) to succeed!
What I want:
A source of income that will enable me to take this really cool housesitting opportunity in Cambridge.
This can either be an internet-based source or a source in Cambridge/Somerville/Boston area.
Ideally, I think I would like this to be a full-time position doing either marketing or events stuff for an organization that is changing the world in some meaningful way. This can look like non-profit or it can look like start-ups or it could even look like education, but whatever it is, it’s definitely non-corporate-y. It might be focused on women, or gender issues, or media literacy, or arts education or small business… at least, those are the things I’ve applied for so far that make me feel excited and tingly.
But it could also be a part-time something or temp work: maybe event production, maybe being an assistant to someone really fabulous, maybe some more marketing clients of my own, maybe finally taking that bartending course, or maybe just temp admin stuff.
Ways this could work:
One of the things I have already applied for could come through.
I could get a lead or connection through someone in my network.
Which would mean I could continue to ask and reach out to people.
The universe could bestow on me a few glozings of Georges, so I could just move and then figure it out.
The rent could be low enough and the possible AirBNB income high enough on the house sitting thing that I could do it anyway.
I’ll play with:
Asking for help.
Staying in touch with what I need.
Remembering that if it doesn’t happen now, it wasn’t my bus and it will happen when the time is right.
Cultivating the qualities I need *here*, rather than waiting to get to Boston.
Taking care of myself.
Some qualities for the pot:
Trust. Steadiness. Compassion. Delight. Play. Connection. Community. Companionship. Right Timing. Ease. Flow. Security. Adventure. Grounding. Peace. Stability. Support. Reassurance. Partnership. Mutuality.
Alligatoroo!
-Job leads or suggestions of companies, organizations or individuals I might want to investigate.
-Connections to people who might have jobs or job leads.
-Reassurances and encouragement.
Not wanted:
-“Just do it.”
-Advices on whether or not to take leaps.
BOB’s your uncle! I am noticing how much I am admiring this beautifully clear ask, with extra admiration for the “not wanted” section. Seeding love and hopefulness: MAY IT BE SO.
May it be so!
Also, Bobs and Georges? I don’t know what is going on, but I think my stuff is trying to stage a production of Hello, Dolly or something this week. <3
My challenge this week is to figure out the balance between communicating with the complexity I crave, while still being understandable to people who do not have experience with my particularities of language. Wishing to create something new and not-about-easy-topics.
Do not want: To waste too much time not-doing boring, but needed-by-choice tasks.
Qualities I want: More momentum, social bravery, confidence in communication, feeling a belonging, sharing the hard stuff without attracting only negativity.
Looking forward to going someplace WARM next week.
Operation: Valiant Intergalactic Mission
Where I’m At: Ice cold buckets of anxiety; wanting to hide under the covers forever
What I Want: To pull off this mission with /panache/; For Future-me to look back on this op and be amazed at the gutsy, confident attitude Past-me had **regardless of what ends up happening** (“Remember that time we…?” “Yeah, wasn’t that incredible?”)
Ways This Could Work: Recruiting some trustworthy crew members (at the space pub? the landing dock? we could put up posters); Reading the star maps and the engine manual; Outfitting the ship for all weather and adventures
What I’m Not Looking For: Turncoats; mercenaries; obvious leaks in the hull; loud bragging about said mission in the space pub (fiction has taught me that’s never a good idea)
I’ll Start With: A space costume, and working out jump-drive coordinates.
Want Ads Answered:
I have been bothered that Big Monsters do not bother me, in fact, I feel like they are absent. All I seem to have are Bugs that bug me. And I realized that the Big Monsters are satisfied with my boundaries, that my force fields are protecting me so well that they do not have to come yell at me.
In January, I thought I would investigate Re’s like rehearsal, re-visioning, revising. Maybe regress, and raison d’etre (okay, a ra, not a re, but it’s French). Re: the Quest: reward, recompense, recognition. I did play a little with rehearse.
But this morning on the way to work, I was hit with the idea: The Well of Refreshing. Because you get cool, refreshing water from a well. And water is my chosen element. So it turns out Miss Laeticia Lemon (yes, Hercule Poirot’s Miss Lemon’s first name is Felicity) has been playing in the background with the Re’s in her orderly manner and it turned into:
Producers Playhouse is pleased to present:
A Metaphor Concert
featuring the Debut Performance of
The Wells of Re-
Composed by Miss Laeticia Lemon
And played by Miss Laeticia Lemon and The Little Grey Cells
(It’s Just One Woman)
On the Absolutely Unique Vibrophonic Water Organ (a creation of Miss Laeticia Lemon)
Including a movement called Claire P’s Gwishing Gwell
The last three movements are:
The Well of Retirement – a grand, slow movement full of crescendos. It’s a big well.
Well Recapitulated – in which is heard the motifs from all the previous movements plus my own motif, I Am Woman sung to the tune of Strauss’ Emperor’s Waltz
And the final movement, Reality – All is Well (which is entirely the audience’s reaction to the piece, similar to 7 ½ Minutes of Silence or whatever the piece is called that is the recording of noises in the concert hall for a certain amount of time)
And releasing is a re-word, too.
I love the re-words!
<3 <3 <3
Questing Lee, I love that the Gwishing Gwell is inspiring music! It’s not *mine* though, haha! But I’m gwad you gwove the gwishing gwell!!!! That’s gweat! I am gwiddy, if a gwittle gwashful 😉 . I gwill gwop gwow, gwis is gwetting gwightwy gwididugwous gwahahhahahaa!
Aaaaaahem!!
Gwishes!!
Serpentine, Shel! Serpentine!
Brene Brown, whose work I completely adore and find soooo useful, in the book I’m reading at the moment catalogues a number of common techniques people use to avoid feeling their vulnerability. I make use of the big three of course, just like everyone, but of the less common ones my go to, and the one that probably causes me the most hassles these days, is running around, serpentine, dodging and weaving, ducking and avoiding those missions and elements of the missions that I feel vulnerable around. Ooohh, look at me, I can procrastinate my procrastination dissolving for SHIZZLE! I can even find a hundred reasons to avoid Calming The Heck Down Techniques because then I’ll be ready to dissolve procrastination and then I’ll have to Get On With It.
So. Here I am, as ever, the dweller on the threshold, waiting until I feel *ready*. Readiness apparently defined as Not Vulnerable.
Interesting how when it comes t Heart missions I’m incredibly capable at opening to the exquisite experience of vulnerability, and there are Doing Things missions where I can only seem to perceive vulnerability as excruciating.
What do I want?
When it comes to Doing Things, to Pay Attention; to connect to and ground into Courage, to remember Amnesty and It’s a Process and There Is Time; to STEP, even just a little, if I can. To forgive myself if I can’t but to be honest and accountable about whether I *really* can’t or I’m just dodging the question and not even looking inside to see if I can or not. To remember Now Is Not Then, that Doing Things back *then* was impossible because I was having my requisite breakdown slash spiritual awakening at the time, and that it was the BSSA that was the difficult part, not the Doing of Things. I have Done Many Things in my life, I am good at Doing Things. Natural for Hard Experience to corrode confidence but the last taste of Doing Things doesn’t need to define the Truth of Doing Things. I want to remember those Thens where Doing Amazing Things was par for the course, as much as when Doing Simple Things was very mysterious. Both things. I want to remember and release layers of distortion and pain.
That’s what I’m gwishing for this week.
Love and fairy dust.