Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
It has to do with exits and strategies, mostly with exits, and possibly also with Exit Strategies, which might need a new name.
It has to do with craving a sense of safety (which does not come from strategies, it comes from me remembering that I am safe).
And it has to do with goodbyes that are doors, and creating beautiful containers for the experiences of endings/beginnings.
That way these endings don’t have to be the sad, aching, everything-is-falling-apart endings of the past few years. They can be conscious, safe, sweet, intentional, infused with love, made from spaciousness, filled with Amnesty. Sometimes closing a door can be peaceful, even joyful…
Okay, the monster crew just gave a big NO to the notion of joyful exits, so we will just leave that as a theoretical concept to revisit later when it feels less scary. And I will conjure up the memory of some exits that I have enjoyed, exits that felt like FREEDOM.
What do I know so far?
A lot of endings on the horizon. Or really, a lot of changes that involve exits, in various forms.
Sometimes I am the one doing the exiting, in some cases it is a person or a practice or an experience exiting, in other cases it’s just endings.
And: everything ends. I know that.
The Spy is going away for a long time, a little under three and half years, during which time there will be no way to have contact. The exiting isn’t for a while, but the strategizing is now.
There are other people exiting.
And the lease on the chocolate shop is up in a couple of years and I need to decide if I am staying in the chocolate business.
Or possibly changing the chocolate business: it made no sense that I had a (metaphorical) chocolate shop until my recent nut obsession. So maybe I could fill my shop with nut-based treats and eventually turn it into a nut emporium that happens to have chocolate sometimes?
Or maybe I just want out. Maybe I want to say no instead of not-yes. Maybe I want to find a new yes.
Maybe I still have too much pain over the loss of my big dream, and all the things that happened when all the barns burned. Maybe I don’t want any shop at all, and I just want to be here, in this lovely online space with you.
What do I want?
When I say “strategies”, I think I really mean: Ease.
Mechanisms for ease.
For example, if I know these things are ending, I can prepare for certain aspects. Maybe not for how I will feel necessarily, because how do I know? But I can make things easier on myself.
I can ask Slightly Future And Wiser me what she knows and what might help.
I can come up with practices that might help with the missing and with the transition.
What do I know about this?
Huh. Most of the time when I think about loss and my relationship with loss — and I don’t believe endings have to be about loss necessarily, just that this is how I have perceived these particular past endings….
I am used to endings being sudden.
Or if gradual, unseen and unexpected. Endings for me have typically been of the [holy shit I never thought that would happen] variety.
Sudden endings: One of my best friends taking his life. Taking, taking it where? Ending it. Or my beloved mentor turning on me out of the blue and attacking with stories, assumptions, misunderstandings, lawyers. Rena dying. No warning.
Gradual endings: Relationships unraveling. The person who used to say “you are glowing in my mind, goodnight-goodnight my beautiful lover” becoming the person who says “thanks for your words, I’ll probably talk to you later”. Realizing that the center I’d been dreaming of for years and had finally built was never going to be able to sustain itself, and saying goodbye to all the time, money and energy that had gone into making it just right, and letting it turn into a chocolate shop that I didn’t want because that was the only option I could see.
Those endings were like waking up and taking forever to realize that everything in the dream was a dream, shaking off cobwebs, slowly piecing together the new reality.
Suddenly, now, there are all these endings approaching, and I can see them and I even know the dates of their arrival, this is new.
What do I want?
The quality of this month is effervescence, and I think that is important:
What if these endings can happen with lightness.
What if these endings don’t have to be crumpled-on-the-floor-in-tears, watching the barns burn, moving through the shock in waves.
What if these endings have to do with choice. What if I meet them with bubbling effervescent aliveness
Like I said last week in my wish:
More lightness. More light.
The same thing that happens when I view the bells / when I am a bell.
What if I can ring in these endings, these new doors….
What else do I know about my wish?
It is going to be okay, whether I come up with strategies or not.
I can handle these exits, I know about doors.
All I need to do for now is seed the qualities I want, breathe them, practice living with them, get to know them, plant them in my compass. Eight breaths in eight directions, so that I put myself to bed inside of a compass and I walk down the street inside of a compass and I meet the new whatever-will-be inside of my compass.
What will help me with my wish?
Writing some goodbyes.
Inventing some rituals to play with, some for me and some will allow me and the to practice at the same time even though we won’t be connected in other ways.
Finding out what I need, what will help this feel safe and supported. Crying as much as I need to cry. All forms of release are valid. Permission and legitimacy to the emotions stirred up by endings.
Remembering that Now Is Not Then. These endings are new endings.
Anything else? Starting points?
Interviewing Incoming me. Skipping as many stones as possible. Writing and Righting. Xs and Ys. Beautiful dances. To be wonderfully surprised. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
My compass for these wishes:
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Release. Anchoring. Shelter. Glowing. Receiving.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii. What if Hawaii is not in Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s ops: Recovery Recovery Recovery.
Clues?
“I am intimately familiar with the music of not-no. I play that music. All echoes and reverb.”
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka bells and wishes…
I am so happy about last week’s wishes, and also the week before. Also, did I tell you guys that I got a ride to Bellevue? Thank you, dear Tree, and everyone who wanted to help.
In short, I had an absolutely incredible time during Operation Bell View, and an amazing experience exiting it (see, I know how to exit gracefully now, I just forget that I know this), and was able to take exquisite care of myself, which is what I wanted most.
The superpowers of bubbles and bubbling are still with me, amazingly. And I was even able to Trust In Pleasure, which is one of the things I find hardest.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
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Oh, Havi! Thanks today for these reminders:
1. Exit as well as Entry
2. My body gets the deciding vote
3. Holiday from taking care of others! YAY!!!!
also: Yay to Hawaii, wherever we find it. xoxoxo
Oh! Thank you for the reminder to see which way my body is voting!
a breath for goodbyes.
My ear is clogged this week. I thought I was dying from a cold and then my office mate reminded me that every spring I get like this, and it is allergies so I could then get something to stop the eyes and nose from running. And then I put a reminder in my calendar for next spring.
Last week I wanted to let go and say yes more. And then a newish friend texted me and I thought about not responding but then I remembered about saying yes so I said hello and things and there may be a date this weekend. Interesting. And my own monsters are shoving each other out of the way trying to get to the mirror to show me that they are in no way ready to date because of horns and large ears and look at those hooves! Shhhhhh.
I also met with one of the people who issues visas to Bolivia, and she seemed hopeful that I could actually get there and she lifted the gate and sent me to the next person. And I walked through the gate.
And so, this week, I want to keep saying yes and walking through gates and laying myself out there to be annihilated (or not).
yay reminders in calendars and yay walking through gates
such beautiful wishes!
Into the pot:
Filters and sieves. Separating what goes into the stew so that I don’t stew. Responding to toxins with tact while remaining intact.
A suitable slipcover-sarong solution.
A thermos or travel mug that is short yet large enough for the the hospital coffee machine
A tiara.
Lilies of the valley.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
What beautiful wishes. Tact and Intact. <3 <3
I don’t know how this happens every damn time, or nearly every damn time? but it does. Havi processing something that I’m processing. The witchery!!
I realized that I was processing an ending without even realizing I was processing an ending because ugh complicated fraught! And when I read ‘ending with lightness’, my entire monster brigade (maybe it is not a monster brigade. maybe it is just an internal voices brigade.) sang in unison: “NO WE DO NOT WANT LIGHTNESS IN ENDINGS, WE ARE NOT USED TO THAT OHMYGOD NO NO WE MUST DO A HEAVY SAD FEARFUL BITTER ENDING.”
Oh reaaaally.
I don’t know. I am not there yet, or something. What do I want, then?
Each time something has ended in my life, it had been horrible like that, and each time, it had led to something better. Not even in an “let me talk myself into being all retrospectively rose-colored glasses-y about this” way… but in a very straightforward, “yeah that happened and haha wasn’t that funny and now everything is better — if not better, more congruent, more clear, more of what is true to SImone-heart.”
If something fell apart and I really, really did not want it to and I still want the thing that fell apart, it was all because there was some important aspect of [the thing that was forming which I lost] that was not congruent. Something was calling my attention until I gave in and said fine, let me take a look and it was important.
Maybe my mission is to remember those things. Also to remember, any and every single time I thought to myself “but how can I live without X”, I lived very finely without it, even if it took a while to get there and I blessed Past Me’s heart for not having known enough to know that it would be so.
Every time I said “how can I live without the thought of Y destroying me every time,” again, I lived just swimminngly because the essence of Y really had nothing to do with Y at all and always found me in different forms in unexpected ways at surprising times.
Maybe the whole ‘processing loss’ thing is surrendering to the mystery of it all. Sure, it may feel like a tragedy now due to 15 different assumptions I’m operating under but I’m likely wrong about… oh, probably everything. Let the mysteries de-mystery themselves. Give them time. Take 5 to conduct. Release the need to know, to heal, to Destuckify Now, to Get There Now.
Conduct, conduct, conduct, and conduct some more. There’s time.
Blessings for all those beautiful wishes ~ which are exactly my beautiful wishes, too ~ I know, Simone! It’s almost scary, in a not-Monsters way, isn’t it?
Hmmmm – I am humming in my endings. Letting the vibrations slowly evaporate and rebuild into whatever is coming next.
And I love Strategies that transform into Strateg…Ease. Strategic Ease. Planning for Ease. Strategizing to experience Ease. That’s exactly the salve I’m needing today. When I rub it over my shoulders and neck, I feel every tension dissolve because I know whatever strategy I pick, will have ease in the center. This salve allows me to see the ease in every plan.
I think I’ll also have it in the form of tea.
Into the pot!
–Operation Amphibian
–Beautiful storage containers
–Creative flow (today, please!)
Basking in all of the beautiful wishes here…
This is wonderful. Posts like this open a door into myself, and I think–hey, I could think about these things! There’s a whole world in there. Thank you, Havi.
I am putting a wish into the world for a gentle, exciting, non-scary way to achieve Operation Archive.
Thank you!
I’ve come to join the Endings Party! With a bottle of Rioja and a packet of those strange vegetable crisps that look like pot-pourri and taste delicious.
I am saying all the good-byes this week, and on Saturday I will move a hundred miles away (and a hundred miles is a long way, in England). I wish for these good-byes to be Good Byes, and I wish to move on with love, and to trust that I am not losing anything that I leave.
My friend Sarah, to whom I said good-bye today, said ‘I will see you exactly as much as I see you now, because we never see each other anyway.’ Which could have been harsh, but wasn’t, because we see each other about twice a year and it is always the same as if we had seen each other last week.
That is my wish: to see people exactly as often as we need to see each other. And, for the next stage, to notice and water the friendships that are already seeded around the Safe House.
(Beautiful wishes!)
Heart sighs and breaths for goodbyes. So, so hard.
Lightness, yes, that’s the key. Being light enough to float on top of the changes and transitions, rather than sinking under their weight. Stories always have endings, but there are always more stories! I love how your writing inspires feelings of wanting to explore new possibilities. Awesome! I’ve added The Fluent Self to a list of positive sites on my blog. 🙂
Oh I am feeling this. Actually it brings back memories for me.
A most important K-word I forgot until now. Katabasis. Going down to the underworld.
Mine occurred when the house I had built with my hands over a year of hard labour blew down in a storm one day. A twisting beams of 8mm structural steel, storm. Overnight my dream became a Daliesque nightmare.
I can’t really remember how I got through that although I do remember there was some theme music involved.
So the good thing about a journey to the underworld is that I learned more about what I could survive and that is freeing. I won’t say I hit the bottom because I still had a lot to be grateful for. My family and i were living pretty rough for the next five years while I rebuilt though, so It’s not like I want to go back to that. But I now know what we can survive and that means that a lot of concerns that would have frozen me with anxiety in the past, now don’t have quite the same force.
I have wondered if the process of dreams translating to reality is naturally traumatic. Visions, at least the type I’m attracted to, are delicate fantasies of coloured glass. They tend to shatter when pushed through the small aperture between the imagination and the material plane. It seems that the art is in making great mosaics with the shards.
To making great mosaics. <3