Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
I have trouble taking care of myself.
This is not exactly news.
No, let me rephrase this. I have a fairly well-documented history of neglecting to take care of myself in certain situations, and this is something I’m working on and playing with.
This is the process of becoming someone who treasures herself, who takes exquisite care of herself.
So here we are. This is the practice, and everything that takes me off course is also part of the course. So I’m working on two things, taking care of myself, and trusting that however long this skill takes to integrate is okay.
I am slightly allergic to packing.
This is problematic, because this year has involved quite a bit of gallivanting about.
Every time I use metaphor mouse to sort this out, I learn that packing is actually taking care of slightly future me.
In fact, it’s one of my favorite things: setting things up for her so that her life has more ease, more joy. Leaving sweetness for future me.
Like treats in the back seat. That sounds dirty. It’s not. Read the link!
The point is, I get that Packing is providing for incoming me. It’s provisioning, I word I may have made up because providing sounds kind of heavy but getting provisions is fun.
This is a way I can treasure myself.
Pre-provisioning.
This is partly about doing this for myself in advance, not leaving it until the last minute.
And it is partly about finding a new way to interact with my monsters and their insane expectations.
[Monsters: Packing should only take half an hour, how does it take you all day?! Packing should not be this fraught thing, just do it!]
I need to remember that these things can take longer — much longer — than I think they will, and this doesn’t mean I’m slow, lazy, incompetent or not good at life.
It just means I estimated wrong.
And let’s be clear about this too: one of the reasons I find estimating so challenging is because I’m doing it while under the influence of monster-instigated anxiety and false expectations.
I know what I want.
Do less.
Spend more time on entry. Pause more. Spend less time doing and more time considering how I want to feel, and how I want to be while doing.
More permission, more legitimacy, more acceptance, more peacefulness.
Ringing more bells.
How can I play with this?
I want to let go of fantasy.
Fantasy, in this case, is some variation on either “I will be completely packed a week before my trip!” or “Oh whatever, it will only take half an hour, just make it happen!”
I want to work with what I know. It takes time (for me) to adequately prepare for things, especially travel.
My entire childhood was spent thinking that we were about to move. It never happened.
Nothing drives me crazier than being in the pre-stages of a voyage, or someone I love saying they’re about to make [big life change].
What do I want?
Steadiness. Breath. Choosing towards me. Choosing towards taking care of me.
What else do I know about this?
It can happen in bits and pieces.
There is no way to do this wrong.
It’s an experiment.
What do I really want?
Same as always. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
To live by the sea.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: I know how much you care about me. And I know that sometimes you can feel how much I care about you. Everything we do to connect and get closer is good.
Me: It’s like a hug moment.
She:Exactly. More hug moments. Remember that I’m right here, all the time. Ask me for help.
Clues?
“Are you feeling lucky?”
The superpower of wearing my crown.
Last month on the calendar was the month of embarking, and trusting the voyage.
Now we’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.
And, hilariously, this past week has been nothing but sovereignty challenges for me. Pre-provisioning is taking this whole being-true-to-my-truth thing to an entirely new level. It feels like a good way to practice, to get to know what I am like when I wear my own crown.
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. See also: The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers. And adds panache.
Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…
More sweet pauses, yes to the red lights, remember the purple pills, say thank you to the broken pots. Permission. Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Lipstick. My body gets the deciding vote. And, as always, saying thank you in advance.
Give it to the compass: Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka joining the resistance…
I ended up having to move Operation Lacy Hips (anagram for physical) so I didn’t get to practice Joining The Resistance with my doctor. Except I went to have an eye exam, and they wanted my weight (they asked me three times), and I refused to give it and also made a note on the form that I thought this question was ridiculous.
Also I listed my profession as “unicorn”. So there’s that.
Oooh, and I 5MX-ed like crazy this week, and noticed that five minutes go by unbelievably fast.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Follow
A hug for now and another for later. Hugs are always available when you want one.
I have been spending a lot of time lying around lately, and still find time on the floor to be amazing. This is very useful information!
“…thinking we were *about* to move…” That resonated with me. Wow did it.
Last week I wanted more clients, and I got 2 more. Yay.
The office move is tomorrow. A good move. And probably it will be done snowing by then.
This week I wish for:
Settling in and feeling safe.
More progress on the arm.
I want to remember (and act like I remember) that if I refrain from leaking money out I can channel it into things like yoga dance retreats and Spain.
Last week, I had the wonderful experience of taking steps in the right direction, and seeing doors opening to let me in. This week, I am wishing for more of the same, please! Fair winds and smooth sailing to everyone here. <3
I want easy steady progress on the hard thing. Easy steady progress I don’t have to work on. I want it to crop up like early spring flowers for me wherever I go. “Oh look, another progress bloom.” Like this.
I would like the Internet to resolve. Specifically my current problems connecting to it, which are of course wrapped up in the hard thing.
Easy steady progress.
What do I want?
I practice the practice of Radical Amnesty, the conscious choice to believe that just about *everything* is the inevitable result of the rippling of effect from the Big Bang, particles moving this way rather than that, atoms bumping into atoms, butterflies flapping their wings in South America. That the only power we really have is the level of consciousness we bring to where we direct our attention.
My heart is more open and my compassion is deeper, my view of the world and myself more gentle, I am more aware of the depths to which privilege of every sort sets us all on our paths, and cuts us off from others. I am more capable of seeing individuals as agent-ious agents operating within a set of nested systems, starting with the genetic package we are unfolding from, through the many and varied details of personal and social history occuring in the nested and connected cultures of family, neighbourhood, nation and beyond. That if we wish to create genuine, sustainable and effective change, we need to focus on things that will change these cultures rather than attempting to change individuals, especially by means of force.
I find these benefits of Radical Amnesty useful. And the vision of the world it leads to feels like Truth.
But. AND.
I am struggling with what feels like a passivity, a fatalism, a handing off of responsibility for making an EFFORT, that I am experiencing coming along with my practice of Radical Amnesty. Is this really as deep as I can dig? Why don’t I want to dig any deeper? Or even *investigate* if I can dig deeper?
What do I want in these moments of resistance to digging deep, and enquiring about the true capacity of my …capacity?
What do I want?
Ease, freedom, and an easy, free path to ease and freedom. (Can I become okay with this want? Is it situational? Does it just reflect the fact I am so very tired? That maybe what I need is a holiday? A sabbatical even?)
What else do I want?
An end to this ennui. There are so many wonderful words associated with this state. Ennui, enervation, lassitude, torpor. I don’t particularly enjoy it though.
What else do I want?
I am also experiencing an extreme reactivity, a tendency to be suddenly overtaken by strong sensation, anxiety and fear, powerlessness, hopelessness and depression, furious anger, a sense of humiliation and insult.
None of this is fun.
What else do I want?
To know the answer to that question.
What do I want?
Not this.
<3 Here's to Radical Amnesty, Radical Sovereignty, Radical Healing, Radical Trust In Right Timing <3
What I want: to borrow from ML in Wish #234, “The Super Power of Staying in My Own Business.” Here-ness! And hear-ness, too: to expand my ability to listen to people and discern what’s wanted (even and perhaps especially when it’s not necessarily in sync with what’s actually said, and even if I think I’ve already heard the story before, and even if the story is leaving out or mis-narrating parts I’m aware of, and …).
Also the superpower of gracious and stylish boundary upkeep.
Some ways these could happen…
… practicing sankalpa
… practicing NVC
… staying home / keeping to myself / avoiding social media
… coloring pages
… postcards to myself
… yoga nidra
Warm wishes to all y’all.
All of this was hugely helpful for a thing which had nothing to do with packing! Thank you!
Also rippling in my mind is the question of why we avoid self-care, why it can be such a struggle, why we avoid the pause (paws!). Right now, I’m struggling with a thing which has a documented history of making me completely schizoid-paranoid-unhappy-despairing, but which I still continue to choose toward, a LOT. I know that, in times when I can choose away from this, I feel so free and happy. And yet!
Something Havi said recently about being scared of learning the beautiful truth that we would find when we [pause/breathe/do sweet things for ourselves]. And of course because I am a student of Havi’s, I know that the reason we avoid that isn’t “because you’re an asshole” but because… well, all the resistance is legitimate and probably has to do with fears that the monster brigade stir up because it wants to make sure we’re… taken care of. safe.
So. Going back to basics. Remembering the simple things, and remembering why the simple things aren’t necessarily (or at all!) the easy things.
So here is what I want:
Simple thing: whatever is going on, there are a thousand legitimate reasons that have to do with protection. (and the legitimacy doesn’t depend on my having-figured-them-out).
Simple thing: I am allowed to be here. It doesn’t say anything about me. It is not the whole of me, it is not permanent, it is just a thing that is happening now.
Simple thing: I am allowed to not like being here.
Simple thing: I am allowed to be here hanging out with the thing that is happening now and my dislike of the thing.
And then…. one thing. one thought/action to pull me to where I need to be. One word, even.
I’m going to go with glow.
I want to glow.
Grace, thank you for the reminder of simple things.
I wish for the hard things to dissolve, without me having to do anything. I want the hardest thing to go away.
I wish for ease in all the things I have to do, no matter how hard they are.
Havi, since no one else said, and in case it matters, “provisioning” is a word, you didn’t make it up.
May everyone’s coming weeks be filled with fulfillment of wishes and gwishes and goals and especially the fulfillment of dreams.
Oh wow, you guys! What beautiful wishes! 🙂
This is going to be a hard week. I am not capable of doing all the things that are required of me this week. So when it turns out that, surprise, I don’t actually do all those things, I want to remember that this is not my fault.
Not accomplishing an impossible task is not a failure. And for sure it’s not a character flaw. It is simply a mistake on the part of the person who assigned the task. And it doesn’t need to be a big deal, because mistakes are not a big deal.
I want to remember that a year from now, none of this will matter.
I want to focus my efforts on doing the things that are good for me, and not let myself get pulled into doing other things instead just because lots of people told me I had to. This is my life. Their life is their life. Mine, not mine.
I want lots of healing, restful, peaceful sleep.
I want the superpower of Deflecting Unreasonable Expectations (both internal and external).
THIS: ‘Not accomplishing an impossible task is not a failure. And for sure it’s not a character flaw. It is simply a mistake on the part of the person who assigned the task. And it doesn’t need to be a big deal, because mistakes are not a big deal.’
Even when the person who assigned them is ME to me.
#mantra
So much love for this. “Always about to move, but didn’t”–man, does that resonate.
I have used the word ‘provision’ as a verb for decades, esp when getting ready to go on Dead Tour or more recently, when I leave the family to go to cons or gatherings. Provisioning the house, so my re-entry is easier, or so my entry into my adventure is easiest.
Provisioning is part of Conscious Embarking, part of adventure that starts when you say YES. I enjoy it, and yes it gets overwhelmning when I have to pack the kids and me for Miami, or for a camping trip, and it always takes longer and is more involved than you think, and there are often functionality-issues and booby traps that slow me down. This is a lot better since I read about Barrington and Conscious Entry/Exit.
Setting things up for FutureMe has become a very effective and sweet thing that just happens so often. Like gassing up the car the day BEFORE going to Boulder (because we are always leaving late). Picking out tomorrow’s clothes (for the kids and me). Today was very cold and I was so appreciative that LastSpring Me puts the right gloves in each coat (the everyday coat has gloves, the Nice Coat has Nice Gloves, the SuperColdWeather Coat has SuperColdWeather Gloves). I discovered this again this morning and I was like, thanks PastLeni!
SuperPowers that I’ve been claiming lately: I know what to do next (especially when the Next Thing involves a pause, a tea or water, a course correction etc). It’s Genius it turned out this way. This doesn’t require my input. Miracles are everywhere. I have more Support than I expect. I know my priorities.
The latest most brilliant thing: stopping long enough to enjoy a thing. Frex: this was Samhain weekend, and as usual there are literally a MILLION things to do. If I get spun by trying to get everything in, I will exhaust myself and have no fun. I slowed down enough to enjoy all of Samhain, and when I couldn’t get to stuff I let it go.
I have more specific projects and wishes, but this will do for now.
I am 42 and have been in therapy for more than *20 years* and it is still SO POWERFUL to read that others are struggling with the same things that I am. When am I going to realize that basically NOTHING is “just you?” 😉
It takes me daaaayyyyys to pack and I hate it. Sparklepoints for us every time we pack!