Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

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Mid-life easing.

Shortly after my mom died, I took off on a road trip with a camper and a boy and two notebooks and more pens than you would think necessary and no real plan.

Well, there actually has been a plan, which I’ve been more or less sticking to. The plan has been work a few hours a day, see beautiful places, think, write, release.

The part about no plan is that I am not really sure where I’m going or when I’m coming back or what’s next. Also I am already out of pens.

I’ve been referring to this voyage as Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, and it has been very good for me. And by good, I mean: useful. Also good. Mostly useful.

Somewhere around Day 30 though, I officially hit mid-life crisis mode. Full on.

Full on. Hello.

I hadn’t been expecting this.

We weren’t supposed to meet like this.

It was surprising.

Me: “Um, okay, hello mid-life crisis, I have heard about you as a concept but I didn’t think we needed to do this.

“I mean, come on, why would we need this. My life is pretty chill. I live more or less on the margins, which is where I like to be, and I swim my own way, which is how I like to do.

“So listen, there’s no reason for everything to break down, and also in case you haven’t noticed, I just went through three years of EVERYTHING BREAKING. I learned how to smile at the broken pots, and say thank you to both the breaking and the broken, and I’m okay now, and we don’t need to do this, right?”

Though really it wasn’t that surprising.

I mean, okay, I was already dealing with some stuff.

For an example, an entire brigade of Shame Monsters, led by the very loud head monster whose name is something like You Screwed Up Everything Irrevocably In One Awful Noir Moment Three Years Ago And That’s When Everything Went Horribly Wrong This Is All Your Fault Forever And It Cannot Be Undone.

So I was already in peace talks with the shame and the guilt, with my fear of the empty places.

That’s why I came out here to the desert. To sit with the void, as my friend A puts it. To sit, to wait and to listen.

And then the mid-life crisis showed up, when (I thought) it had no business inviting itself to the party, and it was not fun and I was a mess of doubt, regret, and apprehension, with a big dose of Okay Something Has To Change Right Now.

Listening.

I noticed the pull towards pattern and habit, a familiar fork in a familiar road.

I could do something really, really stupid, or I could hide and wait out the storm.

I know where both those paths go, and I am not interested in taking either of them again, so I said new path, please, and that was when I remembered to return to the practice: breath, legitimacy, this is normal, this is okay.

That’s the practice. Meet myself in the moment with love and spaciousness and permission, return to I am here now, what do I need, what do I desire, how can I take exquisite care of myself right now?

And then, suddenly, a quiet realization:

What if it’s not a mid-life crisis at all? What if it’s a mid-life easing? A mid-life releasing? A mid-life letting go?

What if?

I can do a mid-life easing. I’m ready for a mid-life easing.

My business is just shy of turning ten years old in a couple months, right when I turn thirty eight, which is prime mid-life easing territory.

What if this isn’t so much a falling apart as it is a letting go?

Last year was the Year of Emptying & Replenishing. This past year has been the Year of Emerging & Receiving. This coming year is the Year of Easing & Releasing.

So bring it.

What do I know about this?

Letting a crisis become an easing is about perspective, which, funny enough, is why I am out here in the desert, dancing spirals in the wind and walking among the rocks.

This isn’t about semantic play. This isn’t about rose-colored glasses. It’s about looking at something clearly and honestly, with presence, and realizing that my vision has been distorted.

There is nothing wrong with letting things go. There is nothing wrong with letting things move and change. Everything changes, and everything ends, and this is important because otherwise you get stagnation.

What I want is aliveness. Vitality and luscious, awake presence: delight in life.

Maybe a good mid-life easing is how I make sure I’m on course with that. That I’m not carrying anything out of habit or obligation.

Maybe it is time for some deconstruction and reconfiguring, and it feels a little like falling apart, because I can’t see the new form yet.

Maybe I’ve been feeling uneasy because I couldn’t see this letting go is only going to bring more ease.

What else do I know?

For months now I have been whispering Love More Trust More Release More Receive More.

Now I get to practice.

What is next?

Clearly there is a version of me who is really good at being in a mid-life easing. She finds the whole thing entertaining. Let’s talk to her.

Now.

I am sitting on a bench and people are walking behind me. I hate having people behind me. I need my back to the wall, I’m a Bond Girl. There isn’t a better option right now though with the way the seating is arranged here, this is actually the most protected spot available.

I often catch myself wishing I weren’t highly sensitive, wishing I could just be a regular person who can sit on a regular bench. Wishing that sounds didn’t drive me crazy, that I didn’t experience physical pain when someone is untruthful.

This is what I get to work with though. Like on those cooking shows where an expert chef has to make a meal using a bizarre collection of ingredients. These are my ingredients.

I am remembering this wise advice: Grieve what cannot be, get creative, don’t hide who you are.

What do I really want?

Same as the past few weeks. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: Change your seat.
Me: Okay…
She: Change your place, change your luck.
Me: So I’m the problem?
She: You’re the solution. Give yourself safety instead of wishing you were someone else.

Clues?

In the car we pressed pause on the music, and then for hours the display was just repeating the song title:

Do What You Want Be What You Are.

And yes, it took over an hour of staring at that to realize it was a clue. Sometimes I’m slow. Sometimes I trip over things. There are more clues in the lyrics, too.

The superpower of wearing my crown.

We’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.

Current sovereignty challenges: Standing in my strength, unapologetically glowing, trusting what I know, trusting that doing what is obviously good for me is also good for everyone else involved. Acting on this steady truth.

Today I watched someone I care about make potentially painful situations extra-painful situations in an attempt to avoid potential conflict. Since I do this too, a lot, it was like looking in the mirror and it was uncomfortable, and I am going to pay attention.

Ongoing wishes.

• Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
• I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
• This doesn’t require my input!
• My body gets the deciding vote.
• Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
• I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
• Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
• I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
• I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.

Taking care of these seeds.

The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.

Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:

Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka hearing both the question and the answer…

I’m working on this one. I am holding my answer like a small stone, and letting it warm my hands.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox

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