Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
The red sweater.
Before I took off in a camper on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, I ran away to Eugene (the city, not the person) for a few days.
Just to soak up some pre-emptive tranquility to get me through until the op and I were ready for each other. My uncle Svevo is the most tranquil person I know, and I knew that if I could just be in the same place with him, everything would be okay again.
While in Eugene, I went out dancing, which was amazing, and while out dancing I somehow lost my black sweater.
I really, really love that sweater and I was feeling super sad. Except then I remember what we say at Rally (Rally), which is that everything that happens at Rally is part of Rally.
And since everything that happens on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic is part of the op, then I had to operate under the assumption that losing the black sweater was vital to the mission, I just didn’t now how.
The next day.
The next day Svevo took me to the train station, and we were early and went for a walk.
We passed a clothing exchange shop and he said, maybe they have your sweater!
I went in and met a deep crimson red sweater by Eileen Fisher: thick, warm, cozy, flattering. Eighteen dollars and exactly my size.
So I went home wearing the sweater, it’s a very Havi sweater, and I’ve been wearing it for pretty much all of Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic.
It’s actually a much better sweater for this op than the black one would have been, because it is cold in the desert, especially at night.
This red sweater is like having the Right Tool For The Job, and I didn’t even know I would need it. It’s almost as if the black one knew I’d need something else and took off on its own adventures so that I could take care of a need before I needed it.
Apply to everything.
What if….
(Deep breath for me)
What if I can apply this red sweater thing to everything in my life?
For example, I have been feeling very frustrated about many things in my life not working the way I think they should, or at all.
What if these things are like my black sweater? What if something going wrong (in my perception) is like losing the sweater, an opportunity to replace the thing that isn’t right for my current or upcoming needs with something that is?
What if this is another way to say thank-you to the breaking, to smile at the broken pots?
What if I can say a graceful goodbye to all the versions of [black sweater], trusting that the thing that will replace them will be so much better than I ever imagined?
I mean, I was super sad over the loss of the black sweater when it happened, but since embarking on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, I have had a glowing heart full of appreciation for this just-right super-snuggly red sweater, thankful for it all the time, and have not missed the black one for even a moment.
What do I know about this?
- It is very important to not push through grief. Grief is legitimate. I am allowed to mourn the loss of all the [black sweaters]. When one door closes, it is okay to feel sad about not having access to that room anymore.
- I love the way this turns bad news into hopefulness. Oh, this thing is breaking or malfunctioning or exiting because it was done, and the next thing is going to be a huge improvement. When one door closes, it is very exciting if I can remember that the new one opening for me is the right one.
- Having this mentality of red-sweater-receptivity seems to require a certain calm grace that people like Svevo have, and that I do not always remember how to access. This will take practice, deep heart breaths, patience, play.
What do I know about what I want?
This has to do with entirely new levels of trust.
What’s next.
I don’t know. Right now it seems as if — with many aspects of my life — I’m in that point between having lost the black sweater and before the red one has revealed itself.
So I guess this is why I come here each week: to seed some wishes, to get back to the qualities.
What are the qualities of my red sweater wish?
Play. Presence. Ease. Illumination. Trust. Release. Love. Receive.
What do I really want?
I want to be someone who is really, really good at letting go, and actually enjoys it. And who laughs at how this didn’t use to be true.
And, as I seem to wish every week: To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
Now.
I am in bed in the camper.
At some point during this trip I have undergone a shift from being someone who finds small spaces claustrophobic to someone who loves the coziness of a ridiculously low ceiling.
I like typing in bed, reclining, resting the laptop against my knees.
I am liking all kinds of things I don’t normally like at all. For example, how it gets dark obscenely early this close to the solstice, and we set up camp at five and I am in bed by seven thirty in the evening. This would normally be depressing to me, except right now it feels right.
Maybe not forever-right, just right for now. Like this red sweater which is exactly what I want and need, and one day in the future it will no longer be the sweater for me and it will become someone else’s just right sweater.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: You think this wish is a simple wish, a surface wish, but actually it goes so much deeper than you think.
Me: Tell me more.
She: This is a wish that can only be wished by someone who has loved and lost, who has lost her clear seeing and then regained it.
Me: I don’t get it.
She: Everything is temporary, and everything is beautiful. There are different ways to react to knowing this, and the way you are choosing to react (appreciating the red sweater for what it is right now, not thinking that it will be your one and only right sweater forever) is really great. You are able to do this because of what you have lost, not things on the black-sweater level of loss, the other losses. You have new eyes, babe. This is good. I’m glad you got here so we can do the next piece together.
Me: Thank you.
Clues?
I was writing about the chocolate shop, and I misspelled shop so that it was ship, and then I went oooh! Because I love ships. The chocolate ship, I like that so much!
What if it’s not a chocolate shop, it’s a chocolate SHIP?!?
What happens then? And in what other places in my life can I switch out a vowel and make them better?
The superpower of bringing light to the corners.
I owe you guys an apology. Or maybe I don’t, maybe this is a perfect example of the red sweater thing.
We’re in the month of Illumination, with the superpower of bringing light to the corners.
And last week I forgot to switch out the month and said we were still in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.
That might have been good though, because it was working with sovereignty that helped me say what I need, which brought me to Clarity, and the thing that helps with clarity is illumination. So here we are.
What else needs to be illuminated? That’s what I’m asking right now, and I am enjoying many different sources of illumination: the moon, and the flashlight app on my phone, and also going to bed ridiculously early (at 5:30pm on Wednesday, just saying) and waking up and dancing spirals in the light. Illumination is exactly what I am needing.
Oh, and by the way, if you enjoyed this year’s Fluent Self Year of Salves calendar, or if you didn’t get one but wished you had, the 2015 calendar — the Year of More — is ready and it is gorgeous, and you can order one soon. I recommend!
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- My body gets the deciding vote.
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
Taking care of these seeds.
The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.
Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka midlife easing…
I got much more ease than I was expecting. Really I don’t know why I don’t wish for things more often. Just the process of uncovering and getting closer to desire is its own magic, and anything that comes after that is a bonus.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
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Yesterday I couldn’t sleep at 3 AM so I got up and set out to write my very first VPA.
I am experimenting with my relationship with ease.
Over the past month I kept saying to my friends that life feels so hard and sleeping all the time seems like the easiest option.
Hard, hard, hard.
(In my language, the word for “hard” also means “heavy”, and “easy” is the same as “light”).
I uncovered so much about my “my life is hard” story and it’s mind blowing.
All because I set out a wish for more ease.
I’m asking myself a question: “How can this be easy?”
I’m so excited to see what shows up in response.
Thank you for this practice.
Accept my gratitude gift of pebbles and red rose petals.
I’m sorry if I botched the protocol, I’m new here and I’m trying to learn how to play 🙂
Welcome, Nela. What a beautiful uncovering and asking.
Thank you for the warm welcome, Mechaieh!
Hi, Nela. Thank you for the question “How can this be easy?” — I like that one, and think I want to try it out!
Yay for the red sweater coming into your life, Havi–thanks for writing about it!
Karensu, I’d love to hear your experiences with this question!
I’ve been asking it often for the past few days and it’s been amazing how my perspective and mood had shifted each time.
CHOCOLATE SHIP COOKIES.
That is all.
Hahaha love it! 😀
Thank you for talking about wishes you didn’t even know you had coming true in unexpected ways. Perfect for me today! <3
What beautiful wishes! Hello, Nela! I love the story of your sweater, Havi, and the resulting wish! Also, the chocolate ship reminds me of the Good Ship Lollipop.
This week’s wishes:
– I don’t do the things I don’t want to do, and I don’t care
– I get off the damn train when I feel like getting off the damn train
– sweet rest and refreshment
– clear seeing (I had some of this when I woke up this morning, and it was really very helpful – more, please!)
– I remember to schedule nothings into the timetable
– loving and letting go
– sovereignty all around me
What beautiful wishes, Kathleen! I think I might steal some of them.
I especially love “schedule nothings” – so, so needed.
Black and red sweater magics! What wonderfulness.
A friend’s cat was killed yesterday by a dog, and she is pondering how and what to tell her small daughters about it. A wish for a togetherness of knowledge and honesty and comfort.
I teared up unexpectedly in church today. My mother would have been 71 last week. Complicated relationships don’t end, even when the ashes are no longer distinguishable from the earth. A wish for a togetherness of sovereignty and respect and compassion — including toward people whose memories of my mother are different than mine, and toward people whose beliefs about motherhood are different than mine.
My honorary mama is traveling this week. Wishing her ease and safety and a fantastic time.
I am going to attempt making divinity candy this week for a friend who misses her great-aunt’s confection something fierce. I am not delusional enough to dream that I can match that memory, but I would like to come up with something passable, even though the humidity here isn’t going to drop below 55% if the forecasts hold true. A wish for good intentions and cooperative therms.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
I love the red sweater story. And – an Eileen Fisher sweater for $18!
Negotiations with the arms dealer have come to peaceful close. Messages were received and thus the messenger could depart. I am pretty sure the message is “you can either feel for a little while about the engagement, or the fires of hell can rain down your arm nerves while you try to pretend it doesn’t bother you.” Alrighty then.
A lovely private yoga class today, everything that had been stiff and closed and tight was stretched and wrung and opened. Actual cracking sounds in my sternum as the muscles let go. A wish for the opening to continue.
A busy week ahead and my wishes for it are:
engagement of new clients
at home in my body
a home for my body
I love the red sweater story: the just-right sweater for now.
My wishes and gwishes for this week:
To let vacation be vacation. The thing about going to places that are “vacation destinations” is that there is so much to do and there’s pressure, internal and external, to try to do it all or at least some of it. Last month we let all that go and didn’t do any of the things and the result was lovely. I wish to have the same attitude this week. I don’t *have* to do anything; I’m on vacation.
This relates to the word of the year for 2015: rest. Year of recovering and replenishing, also of letting go and emptying and rejuvenating. Shmita year. Sabbatical year. Jubilee year?
Between now and the end of 2014, there’s this week of vacation, and there’s Christmas, and there’s time to herd some iguanas out the door. Some of them can be released back into the wild — let go — and some of them can be reconfigured into something playful that I will actually want to do. What remains will need a new treatment, a new container, a new metaphor, a metamorphosis. Herding iguanas now will make 2015 really a year of rest.
I wish for clarity to see what needs to be seen and what needs to be done. I wish for clarity about the best way to do what needs to be done.
I wish for ease and vacation mode to prevail.
Oh, wow, what beautiful wishes!
I am wishing for better breath management. This didn’t start out as a proxy, but come to think of it, perhaps it is. I want to breathe deeply, and I want to make good use of all my breathing spaces. <3
What a great name for a band! “Red Sweater Wish” they play electrified Celtic folk, harmonize beautifully and guess what? It’s just one guy!
Ohmygod that is a FANTASTIC band name, good call!
Recently I’ve been wondering why I don’t have wishes. Maybe too many wishes for one or several to make their ways out? I’ve been putting them symbolically in the pot, these hypothetical wishes, but not wishing.
And then! A wish.
I finally watched The Hours, which I was aware of in a vague sort of way since forever, because it came out back when I still watched TV and the news and hung out with people who also watched those things and so it’s been flagged in my mind since then and then more recently in my Netflix queue.
(Though I am once again surprised at the disconnect between hype and reality. It was a good movie, but I also found it rather uneven overall. I would not have given it such perfect praise as I remember it getting way back when. But I digress.)
And it is a movie about unhappy artistic women with mixed relationships to sanity and life and so of course I relate, strongly.
This was on the day I was writing scholarship essays, where I must boldly proclaim “what I want to do with my life” (with a side of “why that’s something deserving monetary support” dressed thoroughly with “I am a good bet, not a risk.”). And I just… Got really mad.
Because Virginia Woolf had friends.
I mean, okay, I know almost nothing about Virginia Woolf except this movie and Wikipedia and what Sylvia Plath thought of her and what my dear high school friend who spent all her time with me being obsessed with Sylvia Plath thought of her. And I’m filling in all the rest with my knowledge of Anais Nin, like the frog DNA in Jurrassic Park. Not that I’m an expert in Anais Nin either.
*And* it seems like Virginia Woolf spent at least some, maybe a lot, of her life lonely and isolated because of mental illness and peculiarity and what have you.
But also, she had at least some friends, at least sometimes. Not just friends but artistic colleagues. People who inspired her art and vice versa, all together supporting and cross-pollinating and living strange edge-of-the-circle kind of lives.
And she made art! I’ve never been able to make it through anything she ever wrote, but she wrote it. And it was strange and it inspired people.
And I… Want this.
I mean, not really to be Virginia Woolf not only because of how her life ended but also because…Well, how silly to be someone else.
But it seems like some of the time she found a place she fit and work she fit and so the world got to benefit from all her weirdness instead of only her not fitting.
And I want to make art but I don’t make it and I want to (and do) live this rather unconventional life but then I spend all this time apologizing and hiding and mostly I just want to feel I’m living out what’s inside me and seen and appreciated for that and I don’t feel like that’s what I’m doing.
So I am wanting deliciously unconventional creative colleagues and even more than that to begin to feel safe -having- deliciously unconventional creative colleagues, since I know many people who fit the bill but I spend a lot of time avoiding even the ones who seem to like me because being seen is really hard for me.
My clue is R, who weirdly never made art with me but who had this way of talking with me. Some combination of both completely understanding each other and conpletely inspiring one another.
Other clues are Erin, Donna, Sarah B-B.
Qualities in this wish?
Vitality. Community. Being cherished. Creativity. Being of service.
Wiser me:
You are on the right path. It seems like school leads away from this but school is (already) teaching you about community and service and all of these things. You are a different person now than last time.
And school will not be enough. Teaching anthropology will not be enough. It will be grounding and supporting and that gives you the base for other explorations. But your art lies elsewhere and you can do both. Teach facts and tell stories. Walk and fly (and swim.)
Everything is happening in its time and every opportunity you’re meant to have comes back to knock again and again. You haven’t pushed everyone away or squandered any opportunities and you don’t have to be ready to connect right now or risk losing people. When you are ready, the people you are ready for will still be there. Some who waited in the wings and others who arrived right then.
Keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Keep exploring this dream/wish. You’ll get there.
-o-
This has been a whole year of losing the black sweater & the red one not arriving yet for me, so I really needed to be reminded of this – thank you so much, Havi!
Also, ‘ahahahahaha, I am an accidental genius moment’! – I have been assigning a quality to each month on my own calendar for a while now, but I always like to see what yours is first. But as you hadn’t flipped into December yet, I sat down last week and decided that December for me would be: The Month of Seeing Things in A New Light!
Wishing you much beautiful illumination, <3 <3
Haha, seeing things in a new light! So perfect.
red sweater treasures!
LOVE
makes me so readier to crank open those cupboard doors
and SPRING clean!
Excited for what’s waiting for me . . .